I Ain’t Drunk, I’m Just Drinkin’

If there is one theme in Hollywood this week it’s that gay is in. Gay is hip. Gay is cool. This weeks Golden Globes is a perfect example. There were multiple awards going to Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and even our own Desperate Housewives Felicity Huffman won a Golden Globe for playing a transgendered man in Transamerica. It’s enough to make Pat Robertson put a shotgun in his mouth and pull the trigger. Sadly it wasn’t quite enough, but it was close. Couple that with last weeks gay make out scene it left me feeling out of my element, what with me being scorchingly heterosexual. Luckily there was the 4 hour manly premiere of 24, which replenished my testosterone levels and got me ready for this weeks Desperate Housewives. I’m ready to take on anything they can dish out. Girls talking about their feelings, dinner parties, you name it. Thankfully I was instead rewarded with an episode that had internet porn, a vicious beating and Gabrielle parading around naked. We even got to see Terri Hatcher in her bra and panties. While this would have been much better circa 1997, you take what you can get. Also Bree’s much ballyhooed drinking problem starts to take front and center. But leave it to Bree to become an alcoholic on white wine and tawny port. God knows the bong she’d ever get if she were a pothead.

The episode starts with Susan getting set up on a blind date. I hope this restaurant has liability insurance, because we all know we have some Susan shtick coming our way. I’m gonna say either a head butt or they accidentally glue their hands together and even though they end up hating each other, by the end of the night they fall in love. Jim, her date, has a horrible sense of humor and starts making racial and offensive jokes from the beginning. And I found it especially ironic when Jim is telling Susan a joke about rectums just as she is eating her tossed salad. That’s layered comedy people. Pretty soon the shtick bomb goes off and as they both go for a dropped fork they end up head butting each other. So head butting wins. At the hospital we see Jim with a huge bump on his forehead and Susan looks fine. That’s what happens when you go up against Skeletor. The woman is all bones.

The doctor at the hospital is a young stud and when Susan convinces him to keep Jim in for tests so she can get out of the rest of the date, she senses sparks fly. Nothing makes a girl hotter than a doctor violating his Hippocratic Oath. It’s a veritable panty peeler.

Next up we see the girls all hanging out outside at the neighborhood blood drive and gossiping about the Applewhites. Ever since the body was discovered in the car parked outside their house they have finally come around and started to suspect them of something. Dead bodies have a habit of doing that. They all ask Bree to have her detective friend do a background check on the Applewhites. Bree isn’t so sure since her detective “pal” was the one who was trying to pin her for Rex’s murder, yet dumb enough to let her get away with George’s murder. Betty Applewhite, sensing the suspicion, is turning on the charm and invites them all out to celebrate Susan’s impending 53rd birthday. She then goes up to Bree later on and tells her that her mother is sick and they may have to be moving soon.

Over at the other side of the blood drive, the nurse is thrilled to fond out that Zach’s blood type is the super rare AB negative. When the nurse mentions that he is the second person today with that blood type he asks who else had it. She them points to Mike Delfino. Hear that people? Mike Delfino, the ex con who was married to the junkie ex whore, and the son of the heroin junkie ex whore both just donated blood. I’ll give it six months before half the people on Wisteria lane have Hep C.

Susan meanwhile is jonesing on the Doctor to Julie. The only problem is that the doctor, like most people, is younger than Susan. Other things younger than Susan include The State of Alaska, the Magna Carta and 2/3rds of the Golden Girls. Julie however convinces her to go for it, thus ensuring all sorts of wackiness to come.

At the Scavo’s Lynette is rushing home after a frantic call from Tom. It turns out that the kids have chicken pox. Since Tom never had it as a kid, he is refusing to go in the house and dumps it on Lynette to take care of them. I love this marriage. It always surprises you.

And what better segue than talking about a form of herpes than by cutting over to see things at the Solis household. Ralph, the gardener who looks like Horatio Sanz, has something to tell Gabrielle. He starts by talking about how his wife left him because he has a hankering for the internet porn. He defends it by saying he only likes the classy websites. No German scat videos for this gardener. No siree. When Gabrielle asks why he is telling her this he finally whips out a bunch of pictures he downloaded of Gabrielle in the nude giving a midget a rusty trombone. That last part is pure conjecture on my part but it makes the show much more interesting.

Later on Gabrielle tells Carlos all about it and shows him the website. It turns out that the pictures are from an ex boyfriend of hers and she made them as a present for him. This poses a problem because that means they are legally his, as opposed to the ones my ex girlfriend stole from me and is threatening to release to the internet. No, that bitch is breaking the law. Gabrielle wants Carlos to go back into his gay bashing mode and go threaten him with bodily harm. Since Carlos is into the whole god thing lately, while simultaneously wanting to bang the nun who got him that way (It’s the new and improved Catholic church. We’re hurting for new recruits). He refuses and tells Gabrielle to clean up her own mess.

Since Gabrielle is incapable of doing things for herself, she is forced to some drastic measures. The next afternoon she goes outside to do her Yoga and before she starts she strips down naked for all to see. THe only people actually there to seea t the time are the gardeners. It’s amazing how this house needs constant gardening when hey have a grand total of 3 shrubs in the front yard. This freaks out Carlos who reluctantly agrees to talk to the guy about getting her pictures back.

When he finally does confront the guy he gives over the pictures without hesitation. Unfortunately he mildly criticized Gabrielle’s abilities as a porn queen and Carlos being Carlos, sends the guy through a window. This gets Gabrielle’s juices flowing as she looks on fondly at “my man”. Yet another awesome marriage in Wisteria Lane.

Mike Delfino is visiting mob boss Noah Taylor, the one whose daughter was a junkie that Mike was in love with and then they had Zach, and she gave Zach away, and then Paul killed her and buried her in the backyard, and then years later Mary Alice killed herself from guilt and on and on…. Anyways, since he’s dying Mike is their to tell him what ultimately happened to his daughter. Mike lies and simply says that she OD’d after getting hooked on drugs again by some lowlife. Mike is probably lying because he doesn’t want him to know about Zach, and the fact that telling him the whole truth would have taken 4 hours and required flow charts.

Back at the Scavo’s Tom is sitting out in the front yard too scared to go in. While talking with Carlos Lynette comes out and Carlos mentions how he understands why Tom is afraid because he wouldn’t want to be shooting blanks either. When Lynette asks what he is talking about Tom says that there is a small chance of fertility with adults who get chicken pox. There’s even a higher chance of that if you have to get a blood transfusion from the Wisteria Lane blood bank. Lynette asks him why this matters since they are not having more kids anyway. He says that just in the chance that something happens to tone of them they can have options. Lynette freaks out thinking this means that Tom s thinking about having another family if she dies. So she responds to this in the most reasonable and intelligent way that someone like Lynette can. She pressures Tom into getting a vasectomy. She’s a real catch isn’t she? If it was me in Tom’s position I’d force Lynette into getting a massive boob job. I’m talking freakishly large too. I mean, it’s not like she’s going to be nursing with those little flapjacks anymore, so what’s the problem right? Turnabout is fair play. Tom isn’t as cool as me and he reluctantly agrees to do it.

When he goes to do it the next day he comes home and admits that he couldn’t go through with it. He feels it would be like taking away his manhood. I would have focused more on “You want me to get a vasectomy just so you ca win an argument, you manipulative bitch” line of arguing but the point is made. Tom then tells Lynette that he’s not happy in their marriage. Years of manipulation and lying will do that to a marriage. When Lynette asks what they are going to do about it, Tom Just says he doesn’t know and walks upstairs. Don’t fret dear reader; I’m sure Lynette will hatch some nefarious scheme to bribe Tom back into loving her.

Susan shows up at the hospital to see Dr. Ron. Instead of just asking to see him she decides to fake symptoms so he will diagnose her and she can try and flirt with him. The symptoms she comes up with are nausea, chills and tingling. That’s probably because if she went with oozing open sores on her hoo-ha it would’ve killed her chances with him and saying that her botox is causing an infection would’ve cut a little too close to home. Susan being Susan, her plan goes awry and instead Dr. Ron orders an MRI. What happens next is shocking and upsetting.

AHHHHH!! MY EYES!! MY EYES!!!!

When Susan is getting ready for her MRI, she mistakes the MRI slipcover for a gown and begins to undress. If you ever wanted to know what the Cryptkeeper looked like in a bra and panties, you’re prayers have been answered. I’d call her bony but that would be an insult to bony people everywhere. And to apologize for the above screncap I will make it up to you with an image of the unbelievable hot Scarlet Johannsen getting felt up at the Golden Globes. She looked so hot she overtook the # 1 spot on my “hottest chicks ever” list (Grace Kelly in Rear Window), and believe me I thought that was a #1 that would stand the test of time.

Ahhhh. Much better!

Once Susan is told of her wacky mistake she gets on the MRI machine mercifully clothed. As the test starts she then awkwardly asks out Dr Ron on a date through the MRI intercom. But since this is Susan she gets the response “Dr. Ron’s not here he had a call from his girlfriend.”. In the immortal words of one Mr. Simpson, “D’oh!”

Luckily for Susan however Dr. Ron is still worried about her and makes a house call. He has gone over the test results and can’t find anything wrong with her. This guilt’s Susan into finally admitting the truth. She faked all her symptoms so she could spend time with him and ask him out on a date. At first he storm soff angry but then he asks her out to Sushi. She just admitted to medical fraud and an MRI costs about 2 grand a session but in an episode where one woman is forcing her husband to get her balls chopped off, one is flashing their gardener her cooter in order to coerce her husband to physically assault someone, another just killed her fiancé because he killed her previous husband, and all this is happening while living next to a family that’s dumping dead bodies on their front yard and keeping a retarded man chained in their basement, it really isn’t that big a deal. And don’t forget the inevitable outbreak of Hep C that is on the way.

At a fancy restaurant Bree is having lunch with Detective Barton, better known as the evil fat and bald assistant Mayor from Ghostbusters 2 (I have an encyclopedic knowledge of bad movies). He thinks it’s a date, but she is just there to try and get him to check up on the Applewhites. The man who was suspecting her in the murder of her husband says he thought there was “a spark” between them. Hey good luck pal, Men who have sex with Bree end up dead. And she doesn’t look like she’s that good in bed anyways.

At the end of the meal Bree offers to pay and when she goes for her checkbook it drops to the floor. Detective Barton then suggests that he drive her home since she has obviously had too much to drink. She protests saying she’s only had 2 glasses of wine. Barton points out that she had 3 glasses of wine and a glass of tawny port with desert. Man I can remember endless days at College getting drunk on Tawny Port. For a while I just got drunk on 150 year old Grand Marnier, but that made me more of an “angry drunk”, whereas the tawny port would just make me the “happy drunk”. Now I just drink Schlitz.

When Bree is driving home she gets pulled over. When the cop comes up to her window we see that its Detective Barton. He says she was weaving all over the road. Bree accuses him of doing it because she said she didn’t want to go out with him. This just pisses him off more and he cuffs her. I know this is nit picking, and coming from the writer who can’t get his apostrophes straight I am the last to judge, but in what state can you get arrested for DUI on the spot without taking any sobriety tests?

Later in the lockup we get a modern day Odd Couple when a local prostitute mistakes Bree as one of her own. Bree is horrified and tries to deny it but when the prostitute keeps asking her how much she charges Bree just gives in and says “5 thousand dollars”. Which is preposterous because I know for a fact once the girls hit 40 you get a huge discount. Add in a missing limb and they practically give it away.

When she makes bail she finds out that he car is impounded and she doesn’t have any money on her so she is forced to walk home on the dangerous streets of downtown Nameless Southern California City. Luckily for her Betty Applewhite drives by and offers her a ride home. Since Bree is embarrassed she initially makes up stories about what happened, but when none of them pan out she finally admits to Betty that she was pulled over for being drunk, and that she would bang her for 5 grand. When Betty doesn’t believe her story that she was set up, Bree gets mad. Betty says that its understandable that she may be drinking more because of her husbands death and problems with her son. Bree snaps back asking why she knows so much about her personal life. Betty says that in this neighborhood its hard to keep secrets. Bree then snaps back saying that Betty’s secrets are still safe, and she mentions the strange noises everyone’s heard, the dead body, moving in in the middle of the night, etc.. When Bree storms off Betty is spooked by what she said and immediately calls Edie and tells her she is selling her house.

As the show comes to an end we see the mob boss in his bed doing his best Citizen Kane impression. as the camera pans acrosss we see..DUH, DUH, DUHHHHH…. Felicia Tilman is his nurse! Felicia is the one that knew Angela (the junkie daughter) and got beat by Zach with a hockey stick. Also, her sister was Mrs. Huber’s who was killed by Paul, so shes quite a few axes to grind on Wisteria Lane.