Desperate Housewives: “I Am Way Too Young For Menopause!”

I’ll admit that I’m not exactly sure what happened last season. It runs in my mind that Suzanne Sugarbaker had sex with her son Payne, Lois Lane married a super plumber, Kimberly tried to blow up Melrose and some tranny attempted suicide. Although I didn’t pay close attention, I was still riveted by these oversexed, underworked, housechicks and I’m painfully happy to have them back. It’s been a long summer.

Ahh, everything is back to normal, yet older, pregnanter, bitchier and cancerier than before.

We pick up this season with Edie plotting her faux suicide to win back Carlos Solis. Edie has the ingenious plan to hang like a monkey with a noose around her neck and then let go at the exact right moment when Carlos enters the room. Luckily she already had the noose strung up from the last time she beat off during autoerotic asphyxiation night, so the rest should be easy. Of course nothing goes as planned on Wysteria Lane because just as Carlos is about to enter the house, Edie lets go only to have Carlos interrupted by that sexy broad Miss McCluskey asking Carlos if her skirt is too short. See, Miss McCluskey was on her way to strip bingo night and didn’t want to look like she was just giving it away. As Carlos and Miss McCluskey chat about the good old days when men were men and hookers were a nickel, they notice Edie hanging lifeless through the bedroom window. Carlos rushes to her aid and pulls her down before any real harm is done, although her neck is now 14 inches long,

(but that’s measuring from the base of her balls).

Carlos, your girlfriend brought you here to The Springer Show to tell you that she’s been keeping a secret.

Mary Alice’s voice over this week tells us that there is a time every night when women lie awake and think about the secrets they’ve been keeping from their friends. Boys have secrets too, ya dead hag. Anyway, Susan is seen lying awake in her cryo-tube thinking about the impromptu wedding she had with Mike, Lynette is contemplating the bad wig she purchased on the Ukrainian Internet because of her cancer, Bree is wondering how the botox would effect her unborn child, if she were actually pregnant and not just pretending to be so her slut of a daughter can give birth at Sister Magdolines Home for Wayward and Whorish Girls, and Gaby is pretty so she has no problems. She’s married to a handsome and rich senator while having an affair with her hot ex-husband while still waiting for the gardner to come back and give her some deep-dickin’. Poor Gaby. She’s burdened with more cash than she can reasonably handle, several attractive men waiting to give it to her good and hard and her diamond shoes are too tight.

White? Seriously?

While at her wedding, Gaby hooked up with Carlos after finding out her rich new husband only married her to attract Latino voters, much like George Dubya only married Laura to attract the shrill harpy demographic. Gaby and Carlos had devised a plan to run away together (aww middle-aged love) but the plan was halted when Carlos found Edie’s balls hanging 4 feet off the ground, as opposed to the usual 2. It seems Edie’s evil scheme worked since Carlos tells Gaby that he can’t leave Edie while she’s on a ventilator.

Susan and Mike are enjoying a casual breakfast celebrating their one month anniversary, when Susan goes and cocks it up like she always does. She tells Mike that he seems disconnected and not very happy. Mike denies the claim and their bland, elbowy, geek-fight is interrupted when a moving van pulls in across the street. Uh oh. New neighbors. Think they’ll have a dark secret? That never goes well.

This is her face after being told her puppy just died.

Bree is in the kitchen adjusting her strap on. Strap on baby belly, that is, and chatting with her hot, bisexual son who doesn’t get nearly enough airtime. Andrew tells Brie that he doesn’t want to participate in the charade anymore because it’s wrong, unlike blackmailing your mother with molestation charges. Bree begins is explaining that she has to maintain the charade to keep up the family’s reputation since it’s already been so tarnished with the murder, suicide attempts and undercooked raspberry tartlets at the last ice cream social when she is interrupted by Agent Dale Cooper telling her that there’s a moving van next door. What halfwit do they have chained in the basement this time?

Lynette and Tom Scavo are still in bed when one of those demon spawn gingers yells in the room to wake them up. Your wife is bald and has cancer, what’s your excuse for being a lazy bastard, Tom? Nick encourages Lynette to forego her regular wig-donning and tell her friends that she has cancer. Lynette refuses because she can’t take the looks of pity from them, even though she ignorantly forgets that sympathy usually means baked goods. As they argue one of their ginger-kids yells in that there’s a moving van across the street. Ugh! What washed up Oscar winner is gonna screw things up this season?

C’mon, you’ve woken up with worse.

Next door, or possibly across the street (I never really understood the layout here) Gaby walks in her home to find her new husband having it appraised. She reminds him that she is not ready to get rid of her house, but little does he know she intends to use it as her once again love-nest with Carlos when they run off together. The girl’s pretty, but obviously deeply stupid because she’s planning to run away to her own home. As the two argue, Gaby looks out and notices that there is a moving van across the street. Son of a! How long are they going to drag this “mystery” out? Sure hope it lasts all season with no satisfactory resolution.

The women all converge outside to sip their Celestial Seasonings and gossip about the as-yet-unseen new neighbors. A car drives up and the new neighbor emerges, only to be Dana Delaney from China Beach with longer hair. Susan is ecstatic since Delaney’s character, Katherine lived on the block 12 years ago and they were obviously BFFs back when they were in their sixties. Katherine and her hunky gynecologist husband Adam, played by the sex on a stick Whedonverse alum Nathan Fillian, moved back into her old homestead so that her poor decrepit aunt wouldn’t have to live out her final years in a nursing home. That doesn’t sound too dark and mysterious.

Work it! Work it! Own it! Own it!

As the ladies chat over lemonade, Katherine’s daughter, Dylan, comes in the room. Susan is again ecstatic (even though her face doesn’t move), because Dylan was Julie’s best friend when they were little girls. Susan mentions how excited Julie will be to see Dylan again and Dylan politely replies, “That’s great. Who’s Julie again?” Katherine politely reminds her daughter that Julie was her best friend and Dylan says, “Oh. Ok. Well I’m going to go finish unpacking my room.” That was odd, right?

Bree, in full on Bree mode, tells Katherine that it’s lovely to have such an attractive family living next door, since the last ugly family tried to kill her and rape her daughter. Katherine and Bree chat amiably about Katherine’s beautiful home and stunning view, until Katherine mentions that Bree’s prize-possession pine tree will have to be cut down so that Katherine can have the sun needed to grow her prize-winning vegetables. Bree says that beyond being her favorite tree it blocks the view of the ugly neighbors, which is her greatest pet peeve after murder and attempted rape. Their exchange drips with gooey, waspy niceties until Katherine mentions that they won’t make any decisions until they can come to a solution that satisfies everyone. “Curtains, perhaps?” Well done, Katherine. Well done. On top of this, Katherine says that she is organizing a large party on Saturday to say hello again to all of their old friends and to welcome all of the lovely newcomers, as she glances at Bree. These two are either going to have a bake-off or a knife-fight in an alley before this season’s over.

“Don’t f&^% with me, B(*&%! I could kill you with a pastry bag.”

Later the next day Bree and Agent Cooper are shopping for some leather pants for Andrew and a chastity belt for Danielle when they run into another of Wisteria Lane’s seemingly endless supply of old ladies. The old British hag is insistent on feeling the baby kick, but Bree of course protests since her belly is nothing but padding over a fifth of gin. When the old lady persists, Bree grabs the woman’s wrist, lowers her voice and tells her that she better back off! Agent Cooper plays mediator and pulls Bree away before she can curb the old broad like she learned watching American History X.

“Someone help! She has a pastry bag!”

Speaking of dried up old hags, Susan has a gynecologist appointment. Who would her new OB-GYN be but her new neighbors hot doctor husband. That annoying “Susan’s such a goofball” music plays as he begins to inspect her sniz. There’s an awkward scene where the doctor keeps telling Susan to relax because he can’t seem to get in, but like any good Gyno he uses his leaf blower to get the cobwebs and sand out of the way and then proceeds. After the procedure, the good doctor tells Susan that everything seems normal, despite the fact that she’s been having irregular periods. The doctor automatically jumps to the natural conclusion for any woman over 65 and suggests that Susan is going through menopause. Of course Susan freaks out at the accusation that she is a day over 30, and storms out while frantically dialing Dr. Van Pheister for an emergency tuck and injection.

It’s like watching The Mummy in high def.

While at her kid’s play, Lynette gets roped into heading up some fundraiser at her hellspawn’s school, even though she’s exhausted, constantly nauseous and her mom’s a crabby old alcoholic that won’t go away. After agreeing to the cause Lynette and her mom settle in to watch one her boys play Friar Tuck. Of course Tom is nowhere to be seen, as usual since he’s probably somewhere getting it on with some dude. That’s not fair. Doug Savant does play a straight guy in this show, but it doesn’t mean his character’s any less boring. Anyway, while watching the play Lynette starts to feel nauseous from her chemo, or from her son’s horrible performance (seriously, the kid was phoning it in) and she vomits in her mom’s purse. Luckily the only thing she ruined was a boot flask and a crisp, never read pamphlet for AA that her doctor slipped in there.

Gingers unite!

It’s finally time for the social event of the episode as we’re magically whisked away to Saturday to attend Katherine and crew’s fabulous welcome back barbeque. Katherine takes a moment to chat with Miss McCluskey and says that the years that she and Bill, her ex, spent there were the happiest years of her life. Of course Miss McCluskey, never one to mince words, asks why Katherine skipped town so suddenly without even bothering to say goodbye. Katherine smiles politely and excuses herself without an answer. Hmm, that was strange.

Susan and Mike get into a conversation about the deviled eggs having gone bad, and Susan’s subtext rapidly becomes text when she admits to Mike that she may be entering menopause. “Meno…exactly how old are you?” Susan laments to Mike that she realizes that he must be disappointed since he thought he married a young, vibrant woman in her prime. “Oh honey, I never thought that. No, seriously. How old are you?” Of course Susan makes a mountain out of this mole hill, like when she wears a padded bra, and says that they are doomed since Mike may still want to have kids someday. “Maybe we can’t have kids, but pretty soon we can have grandkids. I know it sounds like a joke, but really, how old are you?”

Julie finds Dylan at the party and squeals with girlish delight when she is reunited with her former best friend. Of course her best friend twelve years ago, when she was four! Anyway, Dylan again doesn’t have a clue who Julie is but luckily Katherine steps in to remind her daughter how much fun they used to have, prank calling boys, hosting make-out parties in the basement, driving to Cabo and going on benders. Back when they were four.

Julie and Dylan flip through the photo album and reminisce about old times.

The festivities are interrupted when Edie sachets and chantes onto the scene, fresh from the hospital and limping with Carlos’s help. She’s gonna ride this one ’til the wheels fall off. Since Edie is Edie, she assumes that the party is a “Welcome Back, Glad You Suck at Killing Yourself Too” party and the ladies let her think she’s right. Gaby delivers icy model stares when Edie mentions how her suicide attempt brought Carlos and her closer together.

Gaby storms off and confronts Carlos about his stand by your man attitude. They erupt in a fiery Latino make-out session when Carlos says that he needs to be all up in her puta later that evening, Gaby melts from his romantic prose. Unfortunately Carlos crotch-blocks himself when he says that he can hit it as long as he’s home by midnight to give Edie her pills, obviously her anti-hanging herself pills. This kills the mood and Gaby rides off on her huff. Or as they say in her native tongue, her juff.

While Bree is chatting with Danielle on the phone she steps close to the table where Lynette’s children carelessly (or purposefully?) left a meat fork perched on the edge. Without noticing, Bree impales her fake stomach with the fork and stands obliviously until one of the Wysteria old chicks screams at the carnage and calls for Adam to help. Luckily Bree and Agent Cooper are quick on their feet and half-ass convince everyone that it was a retractable fork they purchased to freak out the old ladies. The two flee the party, effectively stealing Katherine’s meat fork in process. An elaborate ruse, but I can’t think of a better way to get a meat fork for free. Agent Cooper tells Bree that they can’t keep up this charade any longer and encourages her to go on a vacation and “accidentally miscarry” (wink, wink) and simply let Danielle keep her own baby. Bree refuses saying that Danielle is way too immature and selfish to raise a child. Not the kind of immature and selfish that leads a girl to fake a pregnancy to save her reputation at the country club of course, but immature and selfish nonetheless. Agent Cooper realizes that Bree is keeping up this fake pregnancy because what she really wants is a chance to raise another child and do it right without them turning out to be slutty, bisexual or both.

“That fork’s gotta baby on it!”

Random Psycho mom confronts Lynette at the party about her failure to purchase decorations for the upcoming fundraiser at the school. Of course Lynette is intent on being super mom (while looking more like Lex Luther) so she acquiesces despite the fact that she’s too tired to pick up her own daughter, that everyone always forgets exists. When Lynette realizes that she’s expending what little energy she has in the wrong forum, she tells psycho mom that she has to back out of chairing the annual fundraiser. Psycho mom does something unexpected and goes all psycho mom on Lynette telling her that she’s being selfish by refusing to honor her commitments. Lynette tries to gently tell Psycho mom that she just hasn’t been feeling well, but of course P.M. retaliates with her chronic migraines and knee pain that keeps her off the treadmill. Lynette, being awesome, picks that exact moment to peel away her luxurious flowing wig to reveal that she has cancer. Psycho mom backs off, but unfortunately the rest of the ladies witness the scene. This leads to a heartwarming scene where the girlfriends bond and tell Lynette that it’s not only pity she sees in their eyes. There’s also love, and for Susan a tiny shard of glass from that accident that left her face so hideously scarred. The women all agree to no longer keep any secrets from each other with a hands-in pact, and after a contemplative moment Bree finally agrees, while still holding her very pregnant belly.

Later that night Gaby is intent on making her marriage work, not out of commitment, but on the basis of every good relationship: spite. She tells her senator husband that they need to connect again as husband and wife and should go away together. The senator checks his book, “I have the Lynette’s kid’s fundraiser next week, my dad’s birthday the week after, parading you around East Los Angeles next month, a photoshoot with Esai Morales for Latin People in November, plotting to leave you penniless after the election and then an affair with a black chick in March….ah April! I can give you two full weeks in April.” I wish I could have a marriage of convenience. Or spite. I’d settle for a marriage of spite.

Back at Edie’s, Carlos tries to sneak out while Edie is trimming her mustache, but she catches him. Carlos makes up a story that he’s going to the Scavo’s for beers and Edie asks if she can come with. Carlos tells her that he’s willing to nurse her back to health but he can’t hold her hand 24/7. He leaves and Edie gets that look in her eye that says she needs to move to the next stage of Operation Trap Her Man and fake a pregnancy or have a close family member die. Of course Carlos wasn’t going to the Scavo’s, no on goes there unless they have to. He was sneaking off to see Gaby, who’s waiting seductively on the stairs of her home for him to ride her like they’re going someplace. The next day, Carlos is sleeping the sleep of the freshly boinked when Edie wakes him up with a casual question. She wonders why he never told her about her Cayman Islands bank account worth 2 million dollars. Edie says that she misses Carlos when he’s gone and going through his things comforts her, which did not work as an excuse when I was caught stealing jock straps at my high school. Anyway Carlos is visibly nervous that Edie is aware of his shady dealings, but Edie allays his fears by saying that she would never turn him in because she trusts him, which is why their relationship is going to work. She’s good.

I will have a Latino, and I will name him Jorge. I will pet him, and squeeze him, and love him…

The next day Julie is trying to jog Dylan’s memory by showing her pictures of the bikers they picked up at that bar one time, when they were four. Dylan can’t remember a single thing about Wysteria Lane, especially that horrible season 2. Her earliest memory is of being really little, alone in her room when some guy tries to grab her. Julie recommends that Dylan see a therapist but Dylan tried once based on her old baby sitter’s recommendation. Unfortunately Katherine refused to allow Dylan to see a professional and shortly thereafter fired the babysitter. Well that’s awfully dark and mysterious?

Across the street Susan is busy…..what the hell does she do again? Anyway, Katherine’s doctor husband comes by for an unexpected visit. He stopped by simply to tell her that her test results came back and she’s not going through menopause as he previously suggested. She’s actually pregnant. There are SO many reasons this scenario could never happen, starting with the fact that no doctor makes house calls.

Mary Alice chimes in again about secrets and how good it feels to finally get them off one’s chest. When she finally shuts up, Julie comes into the kitchen to talk to her gran….mom. Julie is obviously upset and confides in her that Dylan and she used to be best friends and do everything together. They’d scam doormen to get into clubs and sneak a smoke in the school’s bathroom, when they were four. Julie tells Susan that she can’t explain it, but that girl that she’s been hanging out with next door, isn’t Dylan. That’s certainly curious?

Why did you have to mention season 2?

Over at the new mystery house we see Katherine standing alone in the upstairs bedroom when Adam enters. There are some odd glances before he asks her, “Is this the room?” Katherine’s eyes fill with tears when she says yes. Apparently Dylan has been asking to move into that bedroom but Katherine won’t allow it. The good doctor asks Katherine if they made a mistake coming back there, to which Katherine replies, “Did we have a choice?” Furtive glances are exchanged before the two exit the room and lock the door with the key from the outside. That certainly is peculiar?

I must admit, I’m anxious to see how all this is going to play out. So far there have been plenty of great moments and sexy, bawdy fun. Let’s put aside our bad memories of the mentally challenged son locked in the basement and look forward to what is undoubtedly going to be a great season! What did you think? Are you nearly as excited as I am? Discuss.