Desperate Housewives: I Too Was Molested By a Clown

Previously on Desperate Housewives Edie got lost in an airbrushed house of mirrors possibly to never be seen again.

Lynette has never felt like the best mother in the world. There was the time that she bribed Parker with cash to finish his spinach. The time she convinced the boys that there was buried treasure under the weeds in her garden. The time that she sold all four into white slavery and was less than thrilled when they found their way back. Despite all that she knew she wasn’t the worst mother in the world, that was until Children and Family services came knocking on her door to inform her to the contrary. It seems Kayla turned Lynette in for repeatedly beating her, slapping her in public and mental anguish.

This must be the introduction to the opposites.

“What’s in a name?” Mary Alice asks. As it turns out Lynette means “pretty one,” Katherine denotes purity, Gabriel is a Hebrew word that means, “God is my strength,” Bree is an Irish word for power. And of course Susan is Gaelic for “skin graft.” Every name has a meaning, which is why Susan and Mike are having such a hard time coming up with a good one for their new baby.

Proof is, of course, the name Tom and Katie are going to name their next baby. Mistake is too on the nose. The two go back and forth, tossing out stinkers like Peyton and Nathaniel, total pussy names, until they overhear a page on the intercom stating, “Dr. Conner to radiology.” They both look at each other and realize that they have finally found the baby’s name. Intercom Delfino. Has a nice ring to it.

Back at Casa de Gaby, Ellie has left the house giving Gaby and the police handyman time to plant the bugs in Ellie’s room. While Gaby and the chubby police technician, who’s kind of cute in a fat way, I got his number, plant the bugs they hear Ellie coming back down the hall. Gaby falls back to her default cover and throws the fat guy to the bed and starts making out with him. When Ellie enters she is furious that Gaby broke into her room but more furious that Gaby is making out with a fat guy.

“He just makes me feel even tinier than I am.”

While at church, Bree and the rest of the congregation are instructed by the Minister to turn and offer peace to their neighbor. When Bree turns, she finds that Orson has snuck into the church and is sitting creepily close behind her. Bree is furious that Orson keeps popping up when she least expects him: in the grocery store, at the manicurist, driving a cartoon car up her body from under the covers, and demands that he stop stalking her.

Speaking of popping up out of nowhere and acting creepy, as Katherine unloads groceries she is startled when Wayne pops up behind her and tells her, in that creepy Mr. Brady/American Gothic tone, that she shouldn’t leave her door unlocked because any psychotic could walk in off the street. Sadly for Katherine one just did. As Wayne begins to threaten Katherine for her to tell him what happened to his real daughter, and who this scarless girl is that Katherine is parading around as Dylan, Katherine is saved by the gays. Neil and Bob, the gaybors from next door are in a gay panic as they have just decided to have a commitment ceremony that weekend and need Katherine to help them plan it. Katherine, normally one to shoot any queer that comes on her lawn, happily ushers the boys in and starts talking centerpieces.

The costumer on this show is a total homophobe.

Katherine takes Bree to the firing range to go over the menu for the Civil Union Ceremony they are catering together. While squeezing off a few rounds into a black cutout with Susan’s face taped to it, Bree asks Katherine why she wanted to come to the firing range for menu planning, when they usually go to the holocaust museum or AIDS wing of the hospital. Katherine says that since Adam has moved out that she hasn’t felt safe alone and wants to make sure that she could defend herself if an intruder broke in. Bree advises Katherine to use hollow point rounds in her gun and try to soil herself when the perp starts raping her. It totally makes them lose momentum.

“Great grouping around Susan’s neck waddle.”

Mike comes into Susan’s hospital room to tell her that his mother just called to tell him that his Grandfather just died and would very much like to name the baby after his grandfather. Susan agrees since the name has a family connection, and James is a perfectly perfect name as names go. Unfortunately James is Mike’s other grandfather, and Maynard is the one who just died.

Later Katherine comes home to find her door unlocked. As she goes for her gun in her pocketbook, the door flies open to reveal Adam, AKA Captain Mal waiting for her. He heard from Dylan that Wayne was back and wants to take Dylan away somewhere safe, like Beirut or Skull Island, which is lovely this time of year.

When the ladies come to Susan’s hospital room, they gush over the beautiful newborn baby, who has Mike’s personality, Susan’s face and Julie’s jawline, until Susan tells them that his name is Maynard. The ladies try and talk Susan out of the name, but she is committed to honoring Mike’s grandfather and unfortunately Mike said a plaque just wouldn’t do. Bree tries to think positively and come up with a clever nickname until Lynette poses the question, “yea, which do you think would make kids in his class want to hit him less: May or Nerd?” Good point, Pretty One.

Pretty One returns from the hospital to find a police officer waiting to arrest her and toss her pretty ass to the hungry lesbian inmates. Kayla, which incidentally is a Swiss name meaning “Little Evil Bitch Monster from Hell,” previously burned herself intentionally with a curling iron and called the police stating that her Stepmonster had done it. Lynette pleads with the officer to not put on the handcuffs in front of her kids, but the female officer tells Lynette that she should have thought about that before she decided to beat one of them. As the officer handcuffs Lynette, the boys scream, “no you’re doing it wrong. You’re supposed to handcuff her to the radiator and then kick her.”

“Hey, watch the wig!”

We’re now treated to a really boring subplot where Bree goes out with the Minister who comes on to her inappropriately. Snooze. If Bree were about 30 years younger this would be headline news, but since she’s not let’s move on.

Ellie comes to talk to Carlos and tells him about Gaby’s illicit affair with the chubby handyman. Since Carlos wasn’t privy to the handyman cover story cooked up by the police, he assumed this is real based on Gaby’s track record as a chubby chaser. Carlos confronts Gaby who sets him straight on the facts. Carlos doubts her initially but Gaby informs Carlos that since he’s blind now he has to trust that she is being honest with him when she tells him that she looks hot or that she’s not feeding him from the little box and that she’s not screwing all the paid help.

More boring Bree stuff. The minister and Orson get in a fight at church and Orson gets knocked out.

As Susan tries to come to terms with her son’s stupid name, she finally realizes that it is just not going to work. Susan takes it upon herself to go to the hall of names and change the baby’s name back to Conner. The first clerk that Susan speaks to refuses to change the name without both parent’s signature, but Susan realizes that the woman has no sympathy because her name is Vanessa and has never had to live with a stupid name. Susan doesn’t realize that the woman’s full name is Vanessa Turdburger. When Vanessa leaves Susan notices another clerk in the office with a nameplate that shines like a beacon from heaven:

She could have been the next Julia Roberts.

Ellie comes to Gaby to apologize for spilling the beans about the affair to Carlos. Gaby is bitchy and condescending until Ellie tells Gaby that her mother’s affair drove her father away thus severing their Family Ties. Ellie’s mother went crazy which drove Ellie to the street and made her do a lot of things she’s not proud of, and the things that she is proud of she should not be proud of. Gaby sympathizes with Ellie up until, and including the time that her phone rings and the police tell Gaby that they are coming in to make the bust. Gaby has a sudden moment of rare humanity as she grabs Ellie and whispers that the police are coming and she needs to run. Ellie hightails it out the backdoor just as the police burst in the front.

Did they really not know she was a stoner?

Over at the Wisteria Lane Magnet School for Gifted and Gay students, Dylan is performing on the cello while Adam and Katherine watch proudly. During intermission Adam goes to the parking lot to make a call and is approached by a seemingly polite stranger who asks for Adam’s help to fix his tire. What Adam doesn’t know is that this man is Wayne and is about to whomp him over the head with a tire iron any…o no he knocked him out.

While Kayla sits in her room Tom comes in to have a traditional father/daughter chat with her. “Kitten, why did you frame mommy and coerce minors to commit arson?” Kayla tells her dad that she hates Lynette and things are better when she’s not around. Tom tells Kayla that she will have to be sent away to wherever Bree sent her troubled daughter. Kayla promises to tell the police everything if she can just stay there with her daddy. Tom tells her that she needs help and will have to go and live somewhere else so Kayla turns icy cold and tells Tom that she will continue to lie about Lynette abusing her and generally be a bitch if he threatens to make her leave. Tom coolly picks up his cell phone and asks the doctor if he heard all of that before walking out of the room. You successfully tricked an 11 year old. Proud of yourself, Tom?

As Susan and Mike prepare to be discharged from the hospital, nineteen days later which means Susan has the best insurance ever, Mike goes to the bathroom to collect her toiletries: spackle, rubbers and such. While he is in the bathroom a nurse brings in balloons that read “Bon Voyage Conner.” Since Mike doesn’t know that the baby’s name is Conner, or that the baby can read or speak French, Susan tries to make the nurse leave. Susan tells the nurse that she has to get the balloons out of the room before her husband sees them since a clown molested Mike when he was a child. A desperate attempt to make the nurse leave or a stunning revelation that explains so much? You decide. As Mike exits the bathroom Susan quickly pops all of the balloons but misses one, revealing her duplicity.

Hey, that’s Lynette’s wig!

Susan tells Mike that she hates the name Maynard and doesn’t think it describes such a beautiful, albeit terrifying to look directly at, child. Mike informs Susan that his grandfather started the first integrated elementary school in Tennessee. He also took Mike in after Mike’s father went to prison and wouldn’t allow Mike to go to said elementary school because he didn’t like him “mingling with the darkies.” Susan realizes that Maynard isn’t such a bad name after all and nothing really matches Delfino other than Guido anyway.

Kayla’s grandparents have come to take her away, ha ha, they’ve come to take her away and they have no idea what they are getting into. Tom takes a moment to tell Kayla that he loves her and he promises to come visit, barring global warming and as long as she promises to stay behind the protective glass while he’s there. Lynette tries to apologize for the way things went down between them but Kayla won’t accept it. Kayla gets in the car with her grandparents and we hear her cry as the car drives away.

“Daddy, no! I’m sorry! These people smell old! Don’t make me go! Ew, the lady just offered me hard candy and it has lint on it! Get that shit away from me! Yuck, the old guy just farted and he locked the windows! Come on, that’s just childish!”

As Mary Alice drones on about the importance of names we see Adam unconscious and tied to a chair. No he wasn’t unfortunate enough to fall for Julie’s frantic call to help her kill a bug only to be drugged and molested like so many other previous neighbors, rather he was stupid enough to get kidnapped by Wayne to be tortured for information. Wayne is determined to find his missing daughter and will stop at nothing to get what he wants including tying people to chairs and torturing them. It’s a shame he never met Julie.

End, hour one.

When Katherine goes to the police to report Adam missing, she is reminded of all of the times that she had been there before to report Wayne’s abuse. Sadly as a police officer himself, Wayne had a little pull at the station and Katherine’s claims were never taken seriously. While at the station one night a female police officer, a sister in vag, told Katherine that her only hope is to pull a Sleeping with the Enemy and flee in the night. The officer says that she stopped watching the movie halfway through, during the funny hat montage, but assumes Julia Roberts lived a full happy life after that. Katherine took Angie Dickinson’s advice, which is when she fled to live with her aunt on Wisteria Lane where nothing dreadful ever happens.

The police finally come to take Katherine’s statement about her missing husband, but are as flippant and glib as Matt Lauer when she tells them that she thinks Wayne was involved. The policeman talking to Katherine knows Wayne, having golfed with him and experimented a little with Wayne at a key party, and knows that Wayne would never hurt a fly. Katherine realizes that her only option is once again flee the city since it worked out so well before.

He only beats you because he loves you. Get over yourself.

When Katherine comes home she begins packing. Dylan comes in and demands an explanation for her mother’s wild hysterics knowing that her mom’s period isn’t supposed to be for two more weeks. Katherine realizes that the only way that Dylan will understand why they have to leave is to tell her the truth, a fact to which we, the loyal viewing audience, are not yet privy. After Katherine divulges the horrible, awful truth to her daughter we see Dylan run out of the house crying hysterically.

It’s weekly poker day again with our favorite four ladies pretending to understand poker while they talk about the people that aren’t there. Bree wants Katherine to start coming to the games but the rest of the ladies aren’t keen on the idea since Katherine has a….she has a certain way of….she just doesn’t…..she’s a raging bitch. As Bree tries to defend Katherine’s personality, since Bree shares the same one, Katherine enters and tells Bree that she has to leave town and can’t help with the gay wedding. Bree is furious at the raging bitch for bailing on her, but looks at the positive side since she has three slav….employees at her will.

Let’s switch to Old Maid.

When Susan comes home with her list of chores from Bree, to pass on to Julie and Mike, she finds Julie looking more wide eyed and clench jawed than normal. Julie just received her acceptance letter from Princeton and has to leave next week for an honorary summer internship based on her Senior thesis: Mothers: Parasitic Attachments in Elizabethan Poetry. Susan is less than thrilled and tells Julie that she can’t go since she and Mike don’t have the money to send her so she should just stay there and get a job at Tom’s pizza joint like Bree’s son. “Who’s single by the way.”

When Lynette brings home her list of tasks, she finds Tom in a pissy mood as he packs up the rest of Kayla’s stuff, mostly consisting of Barbie heads and partially decomposed cats. Bree asks Tom if he is ever going to stop being so passive aggressive toward her after the incident with Kayla, and Tom says that he is angry at the situation (meaning marriage) and not her (definitely her). Lynette tells Tom that he can be as angry as he wants to be as long as he will make the mini pizzas for Bree.

Gaby comes home with her chore list and passes it off to her blind husband and thumbless Seeing Eye dog. Carlos immediately begins bitching about money, bitch bitch bitch, it’s all he ever is. Gaby dismisses Carlos’s complaining by standing still and quiet until he leaves the room to read Playboy in Braille. Gaby’s phone rings and it’s Ellie asking for one last favor from Gaby: her teddy bear that Ellie’s dad gave to her when she was just a little drug dealer. Gaby goes to retrieve the bear and finds it oddly lumpy and heavy, prompting her to unzip it. Gaby looks inside and her pointy jaw drops to the floor when she sees $118,000 in cash stashed inside.

“Do all teddy bears have this inside? No wonder Lynette has so many kids.”

Bree and Lynette are going over the wedding details with Neil and Bob at Scavo’s Eateteria. Bree mentions the ice sculpture and one of the gays, I forget his real name so we’ll call him the bottom, seethes with anger that he is not getting the fairy castle that he dreamed about as a little girl. His partner, Bob, tells Bottom that he changed the sculpture upon realizing that neither of them were 14 year old girls anymore. The bottom concedes since Daddy Knows Best.

Bree takes a break from the planning when she sees Orson enter the restaurant to offer his services. Bree rebuffs the latest of Orson’s sad attempts to get back with her by offering his calligraphy skills for the place cards.

While Bree and Orson chat, Tom takes the opportunity to tell Bottom that he should stand his ground and not let his partner walk all over him the way Lynette does to Tom. If he doesn’t make a stand then his partner will just ride him, pushing and pushing and just use him until he finally just loses it and explodes. The Bottom finds his inner Erin Brocovich and stands up to Bob demanding his fairy princess ice sculpture. Bob gives in, until Lee, Lee! That’s his name. Lee! Until Lee walks off at which point Bob tells Bree to stick with the cherub and when Lee bitchs about it he will buy him some jewelry. See the gays are just like you.

Wayne gets a call from his buddy at the station giving him a courtesy heads up that Katherine has filed a report claiming that Wayne kidnapped her husband. Wayne thanks his buddy for the heads up before disconnecting the call to continue beating Adam to a bloody pulp. Quick sidenote: the actor playing Wayne’s cop friend also played D’Hoffryn on Buffy. See, you learn stuff here at TVgasm. When Adam is no longer responsive to Wayne’s pounding, possibly dead, Wayne decides to go back to the source for answers. After Wayne leaves the room, Adam opens his eyes and pushes himself off the floor.

Yup. Still hot.

As Gaby and Carlos make gift bags of poppers for the wedding, they receive a call from Ellie asking where he damn bear is. Gaby says that she couldn’t find it but Ellie knows from Gaby’s tone, which is her usual tone, that Gaby is lying. Ellie tells Gaby that she is coming to get her money and if Gaby tries to stop her she will throw acid in her face. Acid. Gaby’s one weakness!

Katherine comes to Susan to ask if she has seen Dylan lately. Susan says that she has not seen Dylan but not to worry, sometimes she doesn’t see Julie for weeks at a time when the fleet’s in town. Katherine tells Susan that she and Dylan had a fight after Katherine confessed that she had been lying to Dylan her entire life and fears that she may have lost her forever. Susan again tells Katherine not to worry since she also lied to her own daughter, telling Julie that she was not adopted from a box of howler monkeys as a baby.

As Bree Brees about organizing the pin the wang on the dude game and butt plug centerpieces she receives a call that the ice sculpture can’t be delivered as planned. Since sisters are doing it for themselves lately, Bree goes to pick it up. While driving back with the cherub sculpture rapidly melting in the back seat, not only does her cell phone die but she also gets a flat tire. Bree leaves the car by the side of the road, obviously convinced it’s easier to just buy a new one, and decides to carry the sculpture back to Wisteria Lane. Shortly after the wings of the cherub fall off, a car pulls up beside her to offer a ride driven by none other than Orson. He may be an attempted murderer but he also has air conditioning.

Bree considers snuggling up next to the sculpture for warmth.

When Katherine returns home she finds Wayne waiting for her ominously. Katherine races for the kitchen drawer where her gun is kept, safely tucked away since Dylan never learned how to open drawers. Before she can retrieve her gun, Wayne slams her hand in the drawer and points the gun at her.

Over at the Delfino’s, Susan gives Julie a cell phone as a peace offering for attempting to deny her a college education. Susan tells Julie that she was prepared for her to leave the house in the fall, or the next time a moon-faced sailor happened by the house, but was just scared to be left alone with Mike and Maynard so soon. Susan warns Julie that she will call everyday and Julie needs to be prepared to answer questions about how to use the washing machine or where they keep the unguent.

Bree and Orson arrive at the wedding, with Bree once again insisting that accepting a ride does not mean that she will sleep with him, a character trait she learned by doing the exact opposite of Gaby. Lee sees the wingless fat baby ice sculpture and flies into a rage at Bob for deliberately disobeying his wishes. Bob tries to sooth the Dan Savage beast but this time it’s personal, and Lee calls off the wedding stating that Tom warned him about this.

“Plus I faked every one! That’s right. I spat on your back!”

Lynette and Tom take Lee and Bob into the house to fix the mistake that could cause Bree to kill them all. Seriously, she would murder them. I know it’s all funny, “haha, Bree’s gonna kill them.” No, seriously. She would murder them. Tom tells the boys that he doesn’t regret what he said to Lee. It was true that Lee needs to stand his ground, and they need to deal with these issues directly because when something bad happens, something really bad like a tornado or cancer, they need to know that they can lean on each other no matter what. Lynette reads into the subtext and realizes that Tom is speaking about their relationship, a fact that was lost on me until my boyfriend explained it to me. Lee and Bob see Tom’s point and decide that they do indeed want to get civily unionized.

Across town Adam stumbles out of the abandoned warehouse just in time to highjack a passing car and race to Katherine’s rescue. Maybe.

While Carlos is dressing for the wedding his super powered spider senses make him realize that Ellie is standing in the room with him. When he goes downstairs to tell Gaby, Gaby immediately rushes up the stairs to save her money. As Gaby retrieves the bag of lute from under the bed, Ellie appears and tries to grab it. A sexy catfight ensues causing both ladies to tumble down the stairs, knocking over Carlos. As Ellie and Gaby grapple with the duffel bag of money Carlos runs to the door to scream for help only to yell into the closet. The only thing stronger than Gaby’s commitment to save her own life, is her determination to save the money so she successfully wrestles away the bag from Ellie and runs out the front door and alert the police who were watching the house for Ellie’s return, obviously not very well.

Orson? Orson are you there?

While Wayne holds Katherine hostage, Katherine begins to question Wayne’s method. Right now she’s just his crazy ex-wife, but if she turns up dead then he will have no one to pin it on. Luckily Ellie enters the back door at that moment and grabs a knife. She tells Wayne that she doesn’t want any trouble and just needs to hide out there for a while until the heat dies down and as long as he cooperates nothing bad will….O no he shot her. With Katherine’s gun nonetheless. Looks like fate just gave him an alibi.

Poor Mallory. She didn’t deserve this.

Bree is marveling at her beautiful work when Miss McCluskey comes up to shower praise on Bree and Katherine for all of their hard work. Bree tells Miss M. that Katherine left town and therefore all of the praise should be showered on Bree and Bree alone. Miss M. tells Bree that she just saw Katherine less than an hour ago which makes Bree realize that Katherine is a lazy liar and needs to be taught a lesson, so Bree storms over to Katherine’s house. As Bree beats on Katherine’s door Miss M. gives the police a statement regarding Ellie’s whereabouts as Wayne pulls Bree into the house directly behind them.

The hat ma’am. Tell us where you got the hat. We’re just looking for the supplier here, not the little gu…old woman.

With Katherine and Bree being held at gunpoint, Wayne decides to use Bree as a bargaining chip so that Katherine will tell him where his daughter is. As he lowers the gun prepared to shoot Bree in the kneecap, Katherine finally decides to reveal the awful truth to her ex-husband, and most importantly us. Finally!

One night months after Katherine had left Wayne and moved to Wisteria Lane, she had asked Mary Alice to babysit while Katherine and Aunt Lily went to see Showgirls. When they returned Mary Alice said that Dylan was an angel and was very excited when her father stopped by to give her a gift. Katherine and Lily both rush into the house to find Dylan safely asleep, clutching the doll that Wayne had given to her.

“Thanks for letting me baby sit. I’m going to go home and clean my gun.”

As Dylan slept, Katherine started to pack up determined to move again. Unfortunately Wayne returned before she could leave. Before Katherine went downstairs to see Wayne she took the doll from Dylan and placed it on top of the heavy, oak antique curio cabinet in Dylan’s room to prove that Wayne’s gifts weren’t welcome there.

Hey, don’t punish the doll!

Katherine and Wayne argued in the living room about his right to see his daughter, with Katherine telling Wayne that she was not going to let him start beating on his daughter when she spoke out of turn or didn’t have dinner on the table by six the way he had done to Katherine. Wayne had come at Katherine but she grabbed a candle stick and smashed him over the head with it and sent him running away from the house vowing to come back.

I survived a season of American Gothic. I’m a survivor, dammit!

Katherine had been so pleased with herself for having finally stood up to Wayne that she thought it was all finally over. She fell asleep on the sofa, content with her girl power, until she heard her aunt scream from upstairs. Katherine ran to her aunt to find Lily kneeling over the fallen curio cabinet with Dylan’s arm lying limp and cold from underneath. Dylan had awoken in the night to find her doll missing. When she saw it on top of the cabinet, she had tried to retrieve it only to have the cabinet fall over, crushing and killing her instantly. Katherine stood helpless for a moment before getting that motherly rush of adrenaline and tossing the cabinet off of her daughter’s body.

Phew. The doll’s ok. That’s an antique!

Lily convinced Katherine that she could not go to the police since Wayne would convince them that Katherine had killed Dylan to prevent Wayne from taking her. Katherine and Lily buried Dylan’s body in the woods, which was the grave marker that Katherine had visited a few weeks back. Katherine knew that Wayne would never stop looking for her so she devised a plan to protect herself. She visited a Romanian orphanage after getting the idea from an episode of Absolutely Fabulous and had met a young girl who looked just like Dylan, right down to the big blue eyes and shiny glamorous hair. Katherine adopted the girl and fled with her knowing that if and when Wayne returned he would think the girl was Dylan, which is why Katherine had raised her as such.

Can you act? No? Great!! You’re a perfect match!

After Katherine conveys the story, Wayne raises the gun to her to punish Katherine for killing his daughter. Downstairs Adam races in and calls for Katherine, prompting Wayne to race off to kill him. As Bree frantically unties the triple Charlie slipknot with a galley tree loop, they hear the scuffle of the two men downstairs. Everything falls silent before Adam comes in the room holding the gun.

When the three walk downstairs they see Wayne gasping on the floor from a superficial gunshot wound to his shoulder. Bree, the consummate host, offers to take Adam to the kitchen to clean up his wounds and leaves Katherine to hold Wayne prisoner until they can call the police. Wayne doesn’t quite know when to shut up as he starts telling Katherine that he will not go to prison and he’ll be back for her when she least expects it. O yes, one day he will return and seek his revenge for….o good, she shot him.

When I can move my arm again I’m gonna elbow your face.

Bree rushes out the front door as Susan, Lynette and Gaby rush to the front door after seeing Adam drive through the wedding. Bree remains calm and tells the ladies that they don’t have a lot of time and there is a lot of story to get straight. The police take the ladies away to take their stories, which Bree cleverly developed, with all of them stating how Wayne had been harassing and threatening Katherine for years. They always knew he would do something like this. Katherine always talked about how afraid she was of him. Wayne was quiet. Kind of a loner. Kept to himself. Read Catcher in the Rye a lot. D’Hoffryn comes to Katherine and tells the police to uncuff her since she was obviously attacked by Wayne and only acted in self-defense.

“Thanks for giving us your statement, Mrs. Delfino.”

When Katherine walks out of the house, all of the ladies smile at her, well Susan does that cockeyed sideways grimace that her face allows, letting Katherine know that she’s one of them now.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART!

Black screen. Word flash up. “Five Years Later.”

All FIVE ladies are sitting around Gaby’s table for their weekly poker game. Lynette’s hair has grown back, Bree is dressed like Diane Keaton, Katherine is obviously part of the group, Susan looks suspiciously younger, and Gaby just looks like hammered shit.

See? Old Maid is easier!

After the game Gaby goes upstairs and says that the ladies have left and she can make dinner now, only to find to chubby Latina children playing in her makeup and dresses. Gaby angrily chases her kids out of the room, but Carlos is nowhere to be seen.

I like tans on my hands, not on my face!

Bree comes home to find Andrew dressed like a business gay on his cell phone spouting a laundry list of tasks for Bree to do including approving the proof of her next book and taking an interview from The New York Times. Orson calls down from upstairs to alert Bree that the bath is getting cold, so she puts all of her duties as a….super famous book proofing Newspaper interviewee aside to take a bubble bath with her husband.

I already told the paper about the time you left me homeless on the side of the road, so you can skip that part. Yay suit!

Lynette walks in confused as to why there is another cop car outside. The police officer informs Lynette that her son has broken into another car at the mall and has taken it for a joyride. Lynette apologizes for Porter’s criminal prowess only to be informed that this time it was Preston, the right-sided allegedly “good” twin this time.

I’m so sending him to live with Kayla’s grandparents.

Katherine checks her messages to hear Dylan calling to inform her mother that she’s back from Paris and she’s engaged! Adam doesn’t seem to be there either.

First new housewife to survive a season finale! Do I get to be in the credits next year?

Susan comes home to find her dutiful and smoking hot husband waiting for her. Her husband Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk!! What the?

I have to warn you. I’m not a bottom.

Where’s Mike? Is Brian Kinney not gay anymore? Is Julie now a doctor leading a lab in mandiblitis research? Will Kayla be back as a sassy 16 year old vixen hell bent on revenge? Which one of Lynette’s sons will be the gay one? When did Andrew get a suit? Did Bob and Lee actually get married? Where’s Carlos? Where’s Adam? Why must I wait a whole summer????