It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere

After last week’s horrible misfire of an episode where everyone started acting like Susan for an hour, will Desperate Housewives recover this week? Well the answer is… kind of. It was much better than last week’s episode for sure, but that’s like saying that having uncontrollable explosive diarrhea is better than regular uncontrollable diarrhea. Either way, you’re sitting in some stink.

The problem with this show is that they constantly follow four separate storylines every episode, and even on a good day, only two of them are at all interesting. I’m all for the Bree as a drunk storyline, but then I am forced to sit through a grotesquely deformed Maria Conchita Alonzo and Eva Longoria going head to head to see who can overact the most. Ah well, if life gives you lemons… then tell him to F off. Or something. I’m not good with sayings.The show opens with Susan and her ex-husband lawyer working on their insurance fraud scheme. Susan as you know has a…sigh, “wandering spleenâ€?, and needs to have an operation but doesn’t have any insurance. Her ex-husband Karl agreed to marry her so she can have insurance for the operation and is setting up the pre-nup. Karl then asks her to get her wedding ring, which was Karl’s mother’s ring. Susan, of course, doesn’t have it. She threw it out the window Bobbitt style back when Karl cheated on her. Karl won’t hear it so he makes her look for it with a metal detector. Susan fumbling with a metal detector, the writer’s idea of high comedy.

Over on the other side of town, which I think is named Wisteriaopolis or something, Bree is at a fancy Italian restaurant getting shit faced drunk and crying at the arias being sung by the waiter. Not exactly my idea of a Friday night. Well, the shit faced drunk part, sure, but not so much the Italian restaurant and crying part. OK, maybe the crying part, but definitely not the Italian restaurant part. When her waiter comes by and offers to order her a cab she reluctantly agrees, but not until asking for another bottle of Pinot Grigio. When the car goes to drop Bree off at home, she stumbles out of the car and then promptly falls on her face in the middle of the front lawn and passes out. The next morning Mrs. McClusky finds her spread eagled on the front lawn reeking of booze. She knocks on the door and tells Andrew, who thinks it’s hilarious. He says he can “take care of it� and sends Mrs. McClusky on her way. Then he turns on the sprinkler system to wake her up.

Mrs. McClusky then goes over to the Scavo’s to babysit the kids as both Lynette and Tom are being pulled into work on a Saturday. When Lynette sees this she freaks out and tells Tom that there is no way there are going to let her watch their kids. She is too old and they would kill her. She tells him that she will find someone herself.

At the Van De Kamp’s Andrew is goading Bree about her hangover. Bree is denying it and saying that she had a ‘reactionâ€? to her antihistamine medicine. The kids aren’t buying it, since they aren’t idiots. Well, maybe Danielle. When the door rings it’s Lynette asking Bree if she can babysit their kids. I smell alcohol-fueled shenanigans in our future.

When the twins are making a racket with their toys Bree tells them to please be quiet because she has a special “grown up� headache. They keep making a racket so Bree decides to take the edge off with a giant glass of wine (using the same etched crystal wine glass she’s been using all season that bothers me for some reason). Which leads to a few more and a few more. She eventually passes out on the couch with the baby in her arms. How very Pamela Lee of her. The twins try to wake her but when she doesn’t budge they take the baby, put him in the stroller and walk off into the sunset. Bree then wakes up and when she can’t find the kids runs frantically into the street yelling for them. She stops by Mrs. McClusky’s asking her if she’s seen the kids because she “has something to tell them� but Mrs. McClusky says she hasn’t.

Back at the ad agency the Scavos are working hard on whatever it is they do until Lynette gets a call from a woman in a salon in downtown Wisteriaopolis saying that she has their kids. They both frantically rush down to get them. When the woman dares to criticize the fact that their kids were wandering the streets Lynette gets pissy and is offended that the woman is judging them. Former junkies have quite the temper, I guess. It’s kinda like if you call Courtney Love a bad mother she unleashes a drug fueled tirade of F-bombs in your direction. Tom stops her before she gets into too much trouble reminding her that the kids walked three miles and they don’t have a leg to stand on. When they get back home Bree races across the street telling Lynette how sorry she is. She says she must have been busy in the kitchen and didn’t hear them leaving. When the kids say that she was sleeping, Lynette grounds them for a week. Way to go, ex-junkie. Punish children for telling the truth. These kids would be better off at Paul’s house. Oh wait, he’s the cold blooded killer. Maybe over at Mike Delfino’s house? No wait he’s an ex-con who’s got a mob boss after him because he didn’t kill Paul as ordered. OK, how about Susan? Nope, she’s too busy committing insurance fraud. Same with Karl. Hmmmm. The Solis’? Well, Carlos is on parole for gay bashing and corporate theft. Wow. This show really is something else isn’t it?

The next day Lynette is taking out the garbage. Mrs. McClusky is gardening next door and asks Lynette why she would hire a babysitter that gets drunk and loses her kids. Lynette says it isn’t true. Mrs. McClusky points out that she smelled wine on her breath when she was looking for the kids and that she found her passed out on her front yard the day before. Goddamit, it was the antihistamines! Lynette still doesn’t believe her and tells Mrs. McClusky to “spread your poison somewhere else.� Mrs. McClusky is the most out of place on this show. She’s too… what’s the word I’m looking for here? Ah yes. Moral.

When Lynette confronts Bree about what she heard Bree admits that she may have had a “tiny bit of chardonnay,â€? the same way I’m going to have a “tiny bitâ€? of Guinness tonight and end up propositioning a flagpole. Lynette freaks out saying that Bree got drunk and passed out while babysitting her kids. Bree denies it and walks off in a huff. Lynette then notices the garbage bags full of empty wine bottles and starts unloading them one by one. She leaves them all lined up on Bree’s front porch with a note saying “Do you still think you don’t have a problem?â€? Just when they come up with a good idea for a storyline, they end it. If they resolve this “Bree as an alcoholic” storyline by next episode I’m gonna be pissed. They could have had at least 5 or 6 episodes of drunk Bree doing all sorts of things. Puking on people, random guys doing belly shots off her, maybe even killing a guy in a drunken haze. But instead we are veering towards after school special territory with her “getting help.â€? Whatever…

Over on the Susan front we’re still dealing with the unbelievable plot point that a young hot doctor is pursuing a romantic relationship with an anorexic 50-year-old single mother with a deformed face. Can you tell this show makes me bitter? Anyhoo, “Doctor Ronâ€? is coming downstairs after a night of geriatric lovemaking (I bet they burned through three of Susan’s trusses) to tell her that he made reservations for two at Chez Naomi, to which Susan says she will “have a light lunch.â€? Since she weighs 62 pounds, a light lunch to Susan is flavored air. Ron then says that he can move up her surgery to Wednesday if she wants. She says she can’t because she “has a wedding that day,â€? meaning her own. This leaves her in a brief guilt mode, but Julie is there to assure her that insurance fraud is OK. It’s nice to know that Susan’s ethics are being brought to a new generation. Then Susan sends her over to Karl and Edie’s to give Karl his mother’s ring, illegally download some music and rip some tags off of some mattresses.

Since dinner with Susan can never be normal (the last one, she gave her date a head butt), we see Edie looking through Karl’s things and spotting the ring and he pre-nup, thinking it is for her. Later that night both Susan and Dr. Ron and Karl and Edie are at Chez Naomi. When Karl orders the soufflé Edie thinks it’s his setup for proposing and she goes over and grabs Susan and drags her into the bathroom. Since Edie is a vicious bitch she wants to tell Susan first that they are getting married. When Susan asks why she thinks he is going to propose Edie tells her about the ring and the pre-nup. When Susan realizes that those were for her she tries to convince Edie that he isn’t going to ask her. Edie just thinks that that means that Susan is jealous and she storms out. The wacky misunderstanding has been set up, now onto the mediocre payoff. Even the “wacky Susan mishap� musical cues are being played, although I would myself prefer them go with a classic Debbie Downer trumpet noise.

Susan makes one last failed attempt at trying to thwart the incident by sending a waiter with a note to the table warning Karl that she thinks he’s going to propose, but wouldn’t ya know it; he sends it to the wrong table, thus causing a hee-larious scene with another couple. Oh, my sides hurt. And not from laughing. I was actually stabbing myself with a fork as punishment for watching this stuff. From here Edie starts digging through her soufflé looking for a ring. Karl just stares at her stares at her, and then Edie exclaims “Uh oh, spa-ghetti-os!� OK, so she didn’t but she might as well have.

Later that night Susan grabs Karl outside his house to tell him what happened at the restaurant. She says she can’t go through with the wedding because of all the deception. Karl tells her that she can’t and says he can handle Edie. When Susan asks how he says he will simply ask her to marry him for real.

And finally we have the Solises. Gabrielle is coming home and sees Carlos upstairs smiling and talking to a woman in a bathrobe; it sends her running upstairs in a jealous rage. When she finally gets upstairs she sees that it’s just her mother Lucia. When Gaby asks what she is doing here on Valentine’s Day, Lucia says she and her rich boyfriend broke up. Then Lucia shows Gaby her new boobs. “My plastic surgeon gave me a great deal!â€? she says. Well if it’s the same one that ravaged the woman’s face it had better be a good deal. Seriously, for those few fans out there of the Running Man era Maria Conchita Alonzo, don’t watch this. It’s sad to see how ravaged her face has become through plastic surgery. Remember at the end of Poltergeist when all the bodies started flying out of the ground? She looks like on of those. Take a good look at your future, Gaby. That’s you, only with better teeth.

Join us next week for more….Tales From the Crypt!

Later as they are having dinner the conversation turns to them trying to have kids. Carlos refuses to adopt so Gaby suggests a surrogate. Carlos isn’t thrilled with having a stranger carrying their baby but then Lucia has a suggestion of her own. She offers to be the surrogate mother. Gaby refuses and storms off.

The next day Gaby is singing a different tune and tells her mother than they should go shopping together and talk about the “surrogacy thing� and see if they can make it work. Gabrielle then drives up to a hotel and tells Lucia that the boutique is in the lobby. When Lucia gets out Gabrielle locks the doors and tells her she is leaving and she wants her mother to check into the hotel and get out of their lives. When she gets home Carlos is furious with her, telling her it was a rotten thing to do. Gabrielle tells him that the only reason she offered to be their surrogate is because she needs a new sugar daddy. Carlos then asks Gabrielle if she ever bothered to talk to her mom about what happened between her and her stepdad who raped her. Gabrielle says Lucia knew exactly what happened and she didn’t ask because she thought she wouldn’t believe her, and that would have hurt worse than being raped. With that Gaby cries, probably pulling several muscles in Eva Longoria’s chest, since actual attempts at acting after years of neglect can cause all sorts of muscle pulls.

Later, Carlos goes over to Lucia’s hotel room to talk to her. He wants to know if she is still interested in the surrogacy thing. Lucia then comes out of the bathroom asking Carlos to zip her up. I throw up in my mouth a little. Carlos says that it could work if she and Gaby could mend some fences. He brings up the fact that her second husband assaulted Gaby when she was young. Lucia says she knows all about it but says it was Gabrielle who seduced him because she was jealous of her. With that Carlos finally realizes how scummy Gabrielle’s mother really is. When he goes home he gives Gabrielle a big kiss and tells her that he thinks adoption may be the way to go. When she asks why he says “blood isn’t everything.�

Finally we go to the Zach/Mike/Paul storyline. Or, the “seriousâ€? storyline. At breakfast Zach is asking questions about his real dad, and Paul gets angry and cuts him off. Over at evil Noah Tyler’s deathbed one of his goons is telling him the entire story about his daughter, Zach’s junkie mother. He tells him about the Youngs killing her and dumping her in a toy chest and raising the kid themselves. Well, at least they didn’t babysit him while drunk. When he says that Paul Young is still alive he asks him if he wants to take care of him. Noah just says that he wants him to make sure that Paul gets “a toy chest of his very own.â€?

Mike meanwhile goes over to Paul’s house to warn him about Noah and the fact that he knows about Zach. He tells him that both he and Zach need to leave town. He doesn’t want Noah to get anywhere near his precious borderline serial killer son because Noah “destroys everything he touches.” When Paul says that that means that he will never see his kid again Mike says he knows, but it’s the only way. He’s such a sensitive and caring 40-something stud. No wonder they had him judge the Miss America contest. Zach of course, is doing the oft-used writers cheat of having overheard the whole conversation so now he knows Mike is his real dad.

So what did everyone else think? Are they getting as bored with this show as I am? Grey’s Anatomy is more fun to watch for me now, and I can’t stand squinty-faced lispy girls.