Kiss Me, Stupid

You know, as much as I bitch to friends about the fact that 24 doesn’t start their season until January, they at least make it so you get uninterrupted episodes every week. This way they can avoid the annoying month-long intervals between fresh episodes, which is what we just had to endure with Desperate Housewives. It has been so long since a new episode that they had to air a “so far this season” recap show last week just to remind everyone that yes, the show does still exist. Someone needs to tell the producers that Teri Hatcher’s face has only so many days left before it just completely disintegrates, so they better use every day wisely (don’t believe me? check out the top ten scariest celebrities in HD, where she took top prize).

And really, why do they need this big a break between episodes? I mean, it’s not like they take that long to write. Gabrielle wears some lingerie, Susan trips over something, and Lynette lies to the people she loves. It’s about as formulaic as a Bond movie. They could program a computer to write them but then it may gain sentience and order a nuclear war resulting in aging Austrian cyborgs wandering the earth hunting the last vestiges of humanity. And since we made the mistake of doing that for the last season of Moesha, I would hope we learned our lesson. But I digress. Let’s get right to it shall we?We open on yet another one of Bree Van De Kamp’s fabulous dinner parties. And unlike past dinner parties seen thrown by Bree where all her guests were nameless nobodies, this one actually has all the other major characters in attendance. Except the Applewhites. In fact now that I think about it, Bree never has any black people at her parties. Hmmm.

Anyways, in the kitchen Gabrielle is reminiscing about her days as head cheerleader and Tom reveals that he used to be a band geek. He then pulls a “woe is me� about how cheerleaders like Gabrielle never looked twice at band geeks. To be honest with you, I knew some band geeks back in high school and let me tell you, those band road trips were veritable orgies. Everyone hooked up with everyone else. I can also say however, that the local Dungeons and Dragons club was not like that. No, not like that at all. But my 13th level half elf Wizard was a hottie. I drew her all over my Trapper Keeper.

Once Tom mentions that he didn’t even get kissed until he was 18, Gabrielle, as a joke, reaches out and gives him a big one (closed mouth of course). Everyone laughs at the joke, but not Lynette. She is one insecure 40- or 50-something. After the party as everyone is cleaning up she brings it up to Gabrielle and asks her not to do it again. This bugs Gabrielle because the thought of her hitting on Tom, who rarely shaves and spends all day in sweatpants, is rather insulting.

After the party Susan is walking home and sees Zach taking out the garbage. She then races over to Mike’s house in that cartoony way we’ve come to love (God help anyone who asks her to open a jar of pickles) to tell him that Zach’s back. Mike says he knows, but he isn’t allowed to talk to him because Paul threatened to go to the police and tell them about Mike holding a gun to his head. Paul is a truly evil person. Not only is he keeping Zach from talking to Mike, but he also killed Mrs. Huber. And what we see next is even more horrifying. He is home schooling Zach. Either it’s because he wants to keep Zach close to him at all times, or Paul just can’t stand anyone polluting his kid’s mind with all that evolution nonsense. Zach asks if it’s because of the rumors that he killed Mrs. Huber. Paul denies it, of course, but we know that it’s all true.

Over at the Van De Kamp’s Bree sees Andrew outside making out with his boyfriend. The writers are clearly trying to capture some of that Brokeback Mountain buzz. Ahhh Gyllenhaal. Why can’t I quit you? The spectacle of course freaks out Bree, who’s as straitlaced as it gets, which is funny because her dead husband was into getting dominated, her son’s gay, and her daughter’s secretly dating the only black in the lily white universe of Wisteria Lane. When Andrew walks in she demands that he stop seeing him and that he must obey her rules when in her house. Now Andrew is an evil little shit I grant you, but there’s no reason for Bree to get all homophobic. Christ, she just banged her husband’s murderer a few weeks ago, you’d think she’d give her family members some slack. Andrew simply ignores her and makes a smug remark about her drinking, which we all know by now is going to become a plot thread in upcoming episodes.

Over at the Applewhite’s, Matthew is locking Caleb up in the basement again and he’s starting to feel guilty about it. Everyone feels this way the first time you lock someone up in your basement, and Matthew is no different. Luckily I can assure you that it gets easier from then on out. Teaching them to put the lotion in the basket however, never gets easy. Betty yells at him to stop complaining and that everything she is doing is for the best. As Betty walks down the basement stairs she also mentions that they might have termites because the stairs are creaking. Foreshadowing alert #1.

Outside their house the mysterious private investigator played by Michael Ironside is sitting in his car with a clipboard. OK, not the most subtle of private investigators I grant you. He’s less Thomas Magnum and more Jonathan Quayle Higgins III. When Edie jogs by she stops and bangs on the window, asking why he’s been sitting in his car with a clipboard for two hours. He says that he is doing a property appraisal. Edie, being the local realtor, starts going off on him, saying that she is the only one who sells property in this neighborhood.

Over at Susan’s, Zach walks up to her and her daughter Julie to apologize for the doing “a lot of bad stuff,� meaning holding them at gunpoint and threatening to kill them. But it’s OK, Zach says, he was able to spend some time by himself and clear his head. He now realizes that attempting to kill people is a bad thing, or at least not a polite thing to do. If he reflects on his life even more maybe he will also come to realize that wearing tucked-in shirts with a braided belt went out with the last Right Said Fred album. But hey, as long as we got the whole murderous rage thing under control, it’s all gravy. Baby steps.

After his heartfelt apology, Susan and Julie feel bad about the whole situation and devise a plan to get Mike and Zach together. They will invite both of them separately to bowl. Susan and a 16 pound bowling ball. What could go wrong? Well, when they are bowling, things actually do go smoothly. Mike and Zach start to bond a little, and Susan doesn’t get a bowling pin accidentally stuck in someone’s orifice.

Outside Lynette’s house she is driving to work and stops to talk to Bree, who’s off to pick up some fresh croissants for breakfast. Lynette thanks Bree for standing up for her with the whole Gabrielle kiss thing. Lynette says it’s only natural since Gabrielle had an affair and would make any wife nervous. This shocks Lynette who had no idea. And it makes her even more wary of Gabrielle. I’d also like to take a moment right now to point out that the gardener that Gabrielle had an affair with is named John Rowland. John Rowland also happens to be the disgraced former governor of my fair state of CT who is now serving time in jail. I only mention this because I thought it was funny, and have yet to find a way to gracefully insert it into a recap. So there. And honestly, what’s funnier than jokes about politicians no one knows? That’s right. Nothing. Except maybe jokes about monkeys.

When Bree comes back home and goes upstairs with her croissants to give to Andrew, she walks in and catches him sleeping in bed with his boyfriend, the stench of man on man love thick in the air. Well, I can only assume. Bree freaks out and tells Andrew that if his “friend,” meaning the boy he just had anal sex with, doesn’t leave right away she will call the police. Here is where Andrew plays his card. He tells his mom that if she does that, he will tell the police about how she killed George. The battle is joined. You don’t mess with Bree and live to tell the tale, my friend. Soon Bree will be doing to him what his boyfriend just got finished doing. Only in the figuratively bad way.

Later that Day Bree goes over to Carl’s, Susan’s ex-husband and a lawyer, for help. When they both confront Andrew, Carl informs him that it doesn’t matter if he tells the police because Bree had no “affirmative duty to intervene.â€? I’m no lawyer, but the woman did refuse to help a dying man asking for help. I can’t see how that’s legal. But hey, whatever. At least Max Headroom lawyer didn’t take the case. When Andrew realizes this he threatens to tell all her friends and humiliate her publicly. This puts Carl into full on Chuck Norris mode and after he asks Bree to leave the room for a minute, he shoves Andrew up against the wall and makes violent love to him. OK, he didn’t do that, but with the amount of gay kissing in this episode, it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. Instead he just threatens to beat his ass if he doesn’t treat his mother with respect. Andrew gets the message.

When we see Tom emptying out the SUV full of groceries with one of their interchangeable kids in tow, we see Gabrielle stop from jogging and offering to help out. Countdown to Lynette walking in on them and getting the wrong idea begins…now!

The wacky misunderstanding scenario is ratcheted up yet another notch when the baby spits up on Gabrielle’s running outfit and she needs to change. And lo and behold Lynette just happens to call at that exact moment and overhear Gabrielle in the background asking for a place to change her clothes. What’re the odds of that? Luckily the twin’s clothes fit Gabrielle’s 4’3″ frame exactly. Lynette rushes home and walks in acting annoyed when shes sees Gabrielle still there. When Gabrielle calls her on it, she admits that she’s upset that she’s there and Gabrielle gets mad. Before you know it they are back to fighting again. But since this is the male gay themed episode, it’s just fighting. It doesn’t devolve into sweaty lesbian lovemaking. I guess they are saving that for sweeps. Lynette then lets it slip that she knows about the affair she had with her gardener. Gabrielle storms out.

Alter as she’s venting to Carlos about the whole thing, he seems nonplussed. He then points out that she brought this all on herself because she did, in fact, cheat with the teenage gardener. Gabrielle is so sick of having it hung over her head she says that Carlos should go out and have an affair of his own.

Later on when Lynette comes over to apologize, things seem fine and dandy. Lynette says she was 99% wrong and is about to leave but when Gabrielle says she doesn’t know what the 1% was, Lynette shows her by grabbing Carlos and giving him a long passionate kiss, and if I’m not mistaken, the barest hint of a dry hump. I personally think the whole stunt was BS because her kiss was a long and passionate one, and Gabrielle’s kiss was a harmless jokey kiss. Once again Lynette has unfairly manipulated someone in order to get her way. Same old same old.

At the Applewhite’s house things are getting more serious. When Betty and Matthew leave together to go shopping, the mysterious and badly trained private investigator sneaks into the house. He goes downstairs and finds Caleb locked in the basement. When he takes off his shackles and tells him to come with him he refuses. He then knocks him out with one punch and ties him up. Now that’s the Michael Ironside we all know and love.

He handcuffs Caleb and leaves him at the bottom of the stairs, since he’s too big to carry. When he refuses to come upstairs, the PI takes out his gun and comes down after him. He then falls through the stairs and his gun goes off accidentally, killing him right there and thus winning him the 2006 Michael Hutchense award for most embarrassing death. When Betty and Matthew come home and see Caleb sitting upstairs and eating ice cream, they look downstairs and see they have a problem on their hands. New basement stairs are expensive.

When they rifle through his pockets they see that his name is Monroe. Then they hear his cell phone ringing with one of the most annoying ring tones this side of Crazy Frog. The caller ID says the name of the person calling is Foster. When they see this they get a scared look in their eyes and Betty says when it gets dark they will dump the body.

Later that night we see them dumping the body in the trunk of his car right on the street in front of their house. When Betty shuts the trunk Matthew tells her that he accidentally left the keys inside the trunk. Betty starts laughing at the absurdity of it all. But she wont be laughing when she finds out what happens next.

Over at the Young house Paul goes in to check on Zach who’s taking a nap. One of the benefits of home schooling I suppose. When he looks in the wastebasket he sees something that shocks him. A bowling score with his, Susan Julie and Mike’s name on it. It’s shocking because he told Mike to stay away from Zach, and also because he now realizes his son is the kind of nerd who brought home his bowling score.

Paul immediately walks across the street and sucker punches Mike. When he walks away Mike goes after him and starts a fight with him in the street. Susan happens to be driving by at the exact moment and when she sees what’s going on she swerves right into the dead man’s car. I’m guessing her insurance premium sets records. When they all get out they see that the crash has caused the trunk to pop open and there for all to see is the body of Monroe.

Later that night we see everyone gathered on the front lawn as the cops take away the body. They all are beginning to suspect the Applewhites and putting together the pieces. The noises in the middle of the night, them moving in under cover of darkness. They look over at the Applewhites who can see the look in their eyes and Betty says she is getting nervous.

As the episode ends we see Zach talking to Julie outside his house, When she goes to leave she stops and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Looks like that braided belt may be coming off sooner than we think. Zach is too sexy for his shirt. So sexy it hurts. Julie likes the bad boy/creepy dweeb mix. Then the camera pans over to the window where Paul is looking on with an evil look in his face, which is really his default look, the way “Skeletorâ€? is Susan’s. Oooh. Zach’s in trouble. I bet he gets detention.

Well, what do you guys think? Was it worth the wait? Do you think it was a good episode?