Mary Alice in Wonderland

By Umnata (formerly Eddie)

Uneven. Over the top. Plastic Face. These are just some of the adjectives that have been used to describe what has been going on at Wisteria Lane this season on Desperate Housewives. Over the course of its second season, Desperate Housewives hit its sophomore slump harder than Paris Hilton gets pumped on a Greek stranger’s camera phone. It became pretty easy to see how the show was about to flame out by year’s end. Rather then getting attached to the lame storylines of the season, it was easier to let your imagination run wild over the “Teri Hatcher stole my anti-aging potion!” tidbits that would be uncovered in the inevitable E! True Hollywood Story. The show kind of became so bad it was good. And hey, there ain’t nothing wrong with so bad its good (says the guy who saw Poseidon and LOVED it). But then after last week’s episode which I HATED (in case you didn’t get that point from my recap last week), I thought that was it. The show was now so bad that it was just plain old-fashioned bad. The kind of bad you just don’t think you’ll get to see anymore. It made a left turn at Lindsay Lohan-bad and smacked right into Hilary Duff-horrible. I thought there was no hope. Needless to say, the thought of a two-hour season finale was almost unbearable. And then, wouldn’t you know it, those robots on Wisteria Lane turned around and gave me a pretty solid episode that actually entertained and, gasp, intrigued me. Find out why after the jump. Tonight’s overly dramatic, painfully delivered Mary Alice voiceover (“MARY ALICE knewwww that her voiceovvvers were annoying, but there was NOTHING she could do. Tostopthem.“) lets us know that this isn’t the first time to Betty Applewhite has moved in the middle of the night. Although Betty is so concerned about getting off Wisteria Lane ASAP, she decides there is still time to play a little number on the piano. Now, lest we forget that Betty is not only a concert pianist, she is a magic concert pianist. On at least two separate occasions she was able to distract a whole room full of fairly intelligent people by her piano playing so that they would either forget about the forming of a neighborhood watch or fail to notice that her mentally challenged son was being snuck out of a psychiatric facility.

Tonight, Betty’s piano playing is going to transfer us back to the night that Melanie Foster was murdered. One year ago, Matthew wanted to break up with his girlfriend Melanie, I think possibly because she was really an Asian Street Hooker, as she was ready to give him a hand job in the foyer of his house while his mother played Caleb a little diddy on the piano in the next room. Matthew says no, probably because he’s still on a round of penicillin from the Chlamydia she gave him last month, but Melanie turns around and offers him a goodbye bang at the lumber yard that night. Aww young love! At this point it should be noted that Melanie is way hotter than Danielle Van Decamp. Caleb overhears their conversation and thinks that this is his time to strike and get Melanie on the rebound. He may be mentally retarded, but man can Caleb spot a girl who needs to get it!

Caleb takes a short cut and makes it to the lumberyard before Matthew and surprises Melanie with flowers and profession of his love. Melanie, in turn, laughs at him profusely and tells him he’s pathetic. So she’s a slut AND she’s mean to retarded people? They aren’t exactly making her impending murder a tragedy, are they? When Caleb gets a little feisty with her, Melanie retaliates and picks up a 4 x 4 and starts to whack Caleb. Caleb is a mountain of a man, and Melanie could fit in his back pocket; so he’s able to take the 4 x 4 from her and bash her in the face with it. Since it’s very likely that on her way to the lumberyard Melanie clubbed a baby seal just for laughs, this potentially shocking moment kind of feels empty. Now in the present, Betty is finishing her song and seems weary from the travel back to 2005, but as they are getting ready to leave, the cops show up and arrest both Caleb and Betty in front of the whole town. Message to all you Wisteria Lane Dwellers: when the two new neighbors getting arrested in the middle of the night isn’t even the most exciting thing to happen on your block in the past month – it’s time to move. Property values are plummeting.

As I said before this episode is going to be flashing back to the moves of our main ladies (except, oddly, Edie). In the literal sense we get to see all of the Lovely Wisteria Lane Ladies (they should join a bowling league), as they move in and have their first encounter with our spiritual guide, Mary Alice aka the Spectre. First up is Susan. Mary Alice starts by informing us that 14 years ago on the first day that Susan popped up on Wisteria Lane, she was intimidated by her and how together she was. NOT! Remember!?!? Susan is a mess! Always has been, always will be! This week’s zany adventure involves her getting locked in her moving truck while a baby Julie (too young to realize how hard it’s going to be having SkeleHatcher as a mother) sits outside in the stroller. Now, this season as a whole, the slapstick mishaps of Ms. Susan Meyer, have grown a little… well, terrible. Where last season it worked, this season things like Susan running around with a cane just didn’t fly. However, I must say this little scene is kind of charming. I know, I know, my heart is growing three sizes, and it’s not even Christmas. Mary Alice kindly helps Susan out and the two start to talk about Susan’s life and how happy she is and how wonderful Carl is and how much she loves her new bangs, and BAM flash forward and we’re staring out Susan’s burnt down house and grown out hair.

I have bangs! My hair is soooo now!

Susan has blindfolded Julie and is showing her where they are going to live until the remodel is complete: An RV! Susan says that they can’t stay at Bree’s forever because she’ll be coming home from her spa vacation (read: looney bin) any day. I don’t necessarily see why they can’t stay at Bree’s forever. It doesn’t seem like Danielle’s coming back, Rex is dead and Andrew is probably living in New Hampshire with Johnny Cakes by now. I say as long as they don’t ever shine a black light around Andrew’s room, they’ll be comfy in there for a long time. But NOOOO, Susan is going to make her daughter live in a trailer. In a piece of unintentional comedy, Susan mentions six book proposals in the works, which means that she actually has a career; although, we’ve never really seen her do anything besides awkwardly get kissed by her book editor Vizzini (Inconceivable!).

Susan is now washing her car/home/trailer, and all I keep thinking is how this is probably what Tawny Kattan would look like if someone shot a Whitesnake video today. Instead of leaping from car to car seductively, she’d be washing her trailer in an oversized sweatshirt. Tom spots Susan and starts giving her the third degree about where Lynette is. Susan unconvincingly tells him he has spoken to Lynette and decides to pretend like she’s concerned with their marriage and asks him if everything is okay. He then saunters off, and Susan calls Lynette, who has taken their kids, or as I like to call them, the MINIONS FROM HELL, away while she figures out what to do about Tom’s assumed infidelity.

Just Matt stopping by on his way back to Melrose Place.

Continuing with the let’s-make-Susan-likable theme of the night, Mike brings over some coffee and correctly deduces by the fact that Susan is spraying for bugs that she is not interested in moving back in with her. They have a cute little scene about whether or not Susan is ready for a relationship when Carl interrupts. They whip out their cocks, and it turns out that Mike’s is bigger because he makes out with Susan before he leaves, causing Carl to drop his jaw to the floor. Wait. When did Susan and Mike make up again? I was never a really big fan of this couple, but they are starting to reach McDreamy/Meredith levels of annoying (let the hate mail begin).

In one of the all-time great coincidences, Carl spots Mike going into a jewelry store, where he is picking up a ring! A ring! What could that be for!?!??! He asks Carl to keep his mouth shut and since Carl’s been such a stand up guy up to this point, I kind of get the vibe that he won’t be doing so.

Over at Casa de MUPPY, Gabrielle comes in dressed like a stripper at a bachelor party held at a Golf Course. She tells Carlos that she got them matching golf outfits for their lessons today! Carlos scowls and complains about having to do community service picking up garbage on the side of the freeway. He orders Gabrielle to go without him. He then notices that outside ChowMein is being ogled at by his landscaper. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. A landscaper – ogling a woman! This is unheard of! Carlos then quite comically complains about not being able to hire a gardener that doesn’t want to sleep with someone in his house.

Gabrielle is now at the club finishing her round of golf with the trainer when she hears on the television about a man who was killed by oncoming traffic while doing community service. The phone rings and she finds out it’s Carlos. She has to break the news to ChowMein: CARLOS IS DEAD! The love of her life! The father of her baby! The man she gave up hot, sweaty, illegal sex with her teenage gardener for is gone! ChowMein initially cries out with concern and pleads with Gabrielle not to kill Carlos. And then figures out – PSYYYYYCHE! Carlos, being the standup gentleman that he is paid Ralph the gardener to do his clean up for him. Poor Ralph, but at least he got to check out ChowMein’s ChowMein one last time before he died, if you know what I mean:

That tragic news doesn’t sit with Gabrielle for very long before she realizes that Carlos is still sweaty for someone who wasn’t picking up garbage on the side of the road. He gives her some lame excuse about being on the treadmill, even though he’s barefoot, but Gabrielle realizes that the only thing that he was treading on was ChowMein.

Elsewhere, Paul Young is still in the Wisteria Lane penitentiary for the “murder” of Felicia Tillman, and he is begging his emotionally unstable son to ask his biological grandfather for money to get him an expensive lawyer. Get all that? Zack is hesitant to agree, especially when Paul slips up and mentions that pesky other murder that he actually is guilty of: Martha Huber. Although he swears to Zack again that he had nothing to do with either murder, Zack’s spidey sense is going off. So Zack plays the only real card he has: YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD! Ahh, but Zack might be a runaway, neighbor-beating, Julie-stalking nutcase, but he isn’t in the same manipulation league as his dear ol’ dad (I guess the Youngs are really good candidates for a nature vs. nurture case study) as Paul pulls out the only card that can trump Zack’s: DO IT FOR YOUR MOTHER; SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF YOU. Game. Set. Match.

Later at the House on Haunted Hill, Zack asks his grandfather to give him money for a car. His grandfather realizing the money is really for Paul says no. And then he informs Zack that he is cut off from the fortune he was to inherit. And he calls him weak. Zack isn’t weak, he’s crazy. DUH OLD MAN! He laughs when Zack makes a B-line for the respirator that is keeping grandpa Noah alive and tells Zack he has no balls. Oh snap! Zack shuts the machine down, and sits calmly while his grandfather gasps for his last breath. Zack may have no balls, but you don’t have any oxygen, sucker!

Zack is standing at the lake by his dead grandpappy’s house and is informed that he’ll have to sign some papers to get Scrooge McDuck’s fortune. Paul then calls him to see what the deal is with the shake down. Zack blows him off, and I get the feeling that this is the last we’ll see of Paul and Zack, and I say good riddance.

It’s now 12 years ago, and we are seeing Bree’s entrance to Wisteria Lane. Mary Alice informs us that Bree is not one of the people who makes a very good first impression, which is totally the opposite of everything they’ve said about her character up to this point, but whatever. Apparently, Andrew, planting the seeds of becoming the evil genius I loathe today, once stole Mary Alice’s decorative lawn frog. When Mary Alice inexplicably says it’s alright, KimberBree emerges, and she informs Mary Alice that Andrew needs to learn shame. Alright… things about Andrew are starting to make sense now… Bree calls over to Rex and Andrew, and I get sad because Rex is dead and is going to be on a lame midseason replacement show on Fox next season. Andrew apologizes to Mary Alice, but in such a way that it makes you realize that if toddler Andrew and the kid from the Omen got into fight, the Devil would be pretty pissed off about what how things ended for his son. Oh the coup de gras of this scene is Susan’s mid-80’s perm (although it’s the mid-90′s).

Well it is 1994…

We follow Bree into the present where she is stuck in the mental hospital (that she seems to think is a day spa) and runs into the mysterious Orson. Kyle Mac Lachlan is not much of an actor, but there must be something more to this role if they have him on the show. Bree is definitely curious about him because he shows up to the hospital a few times a week to visit with some crazy lady who sits by the window all day like The Lady in White.

Bree is in her session with her shrink, but although she checked herself in and has spoken to a therapist before (things, however, didn’t end so great for him), she seems really upset about the pervasive questions that this psychiatrist is asking. How dare he! All Bree wanted were some Robert Downey Jr.-level drugs and to be on her way. But apparently Dr. Know It All, isn’t so into that idea. He actually wants to “help her.” He makes the mistake of bringing up the fact that she’s had kind of a rough year (husband- dead, boyfriend-dead, etc.) and since Bree scoffs at the thought of needing help (then why the hell is she in there!?!?!) and storms off, the doctor decides to take away all of her personal items and give her a spanking and a time out.

In the county clink, Betty Applewhite is informed that her son confessed to the murder of Melanie Foster but since he has the mental capacity of a child, his confession probably won’t stick. They show her crime scene photos and get all Law & Order: SVU on her because there is a jacket on the body, and once they match a sample of blood from it to Caleb, it’s lights out on the short bus. But whoa whoa whoa Ms. Nelly. The jacket isn’t Caleb’s: it’s Matthew’s! Apparently, by the time that Matthew made it to the lumber yard, Melanie was just regaining consciousness, and although she was just nearly raped and beaten with a club, she was still able to make some threats to Matthew and his family! I’m not quite sure, but she may have even cackled a little bit. Matthew basically gave her a big helllllll no and finished the job his brother started. You see, Melanie, you should be careful what you wish for because you did want to get banged by Matthew one last time. Now, I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I generally see these kinds of twists coming, and this one I had no idea about. However, when I look back on it, it is fairly obvious, if you paid any attention to this plot strand. Which I didn’t. Score one for Marc Cherry – you tricked me with my own lack of interest. Next thing you know, we’re seeing Matthew standing over Danielle watching her sleep. Creepy.

Back in the mid-nineties, we see how the gals met Lynette eight years ago. Lynette and Tom are mid-argument over Lynette’s ovaries, and Lynette, being all tact decides to ask the ladies what they think about the fact that Tom forgot to tell her that twins run in his family. And now she is pregnant with twins! Umm, hi, nice to meet you. The problem with this scene is really a) Felicity Huffman’s wig – seriously, stop wasting the money on getting SkeleHatcher food on the set and put it into a decent hair & makeup person and b) it reminds me how much I used to like Lynette Scavo, when she was a real Desperate Housewife hating her kids and resenting her husband.

“First of all, the penis I wore was fake…”

Over at the pool with her kid hiding out from GayMatt, Lynette informs her demon brood that they are going to be living with grandma for unspecified reasons. Sensing that if they ask their mom any questions about why they can’t stay with daddy anymore they could be out of the pool for 2 possibly 3 minutes, they respond as if they just heard their mother ask them what they wanted for lunch. Seriously, if children could be sent straight to hell, these little boys would be driving.

Lynette is trying to pack up her kids while they are sacrificing barn animals to appease their lord, Satan, when Porter decides that he wants to go swimming. Lynette says no, and then Porter pulls the, “Dad would let me”, to which Lynette really digs her Keds into the ground. Porter realizes the only way out of this is to take a nosedive off the balcony and end it all! Okay, he was really just trying to make a break for the pool – but I’m sure although he’s still a grammar school, pulling an Amityville Horror has got to have crossed his mind at least once. Porter ends up in the hospital, and Lynette has to call Tom. Lynette is still really pisst about the conclusions that she has leapt to (okay, I admit I was only half-right last week with the whole Tom has another family guess), and Tom is trying to explain his side of the story, which is that he’s not cheating. He was in Atlantic City, because one night 12 years ago, he had anonymous, meaningless sex with a dancer on a cruise ship without using any birth control or protection, and now he has an 11 year old daughter he never knew about. Thank God, he wasn’t cheating though.

It’s now three years ago, and we see Carlos and Gabrielle in the throws of their honeymoon phase:

For Your Consideration: Primetime Emmy Awards 2007

Apparently Carlos and Gabrielle used to always have sex, but since ChowMein has been laying it down regular, Carlos’ burrito has no more juice. Gabrielle is in shock that Carlos doesn’t want her, and let’s be honest, why wouldn’t she be? Dude, if you’re married to Eva Longoria, and you’re not doing your sacred duty at least once a day, there is a problem. And that problem is named: ChowMein!

Gabrielle has noticed some odd behavior with Carlos, as I mentioned earlier. Taking a cue from ChowMein’s ripped panties, she takes her Asian slave to the lady doctor to get her hoo-haa checked out. She tells the doctor to just give her a thumbs up if he finds a hymen while he’s down there. She’s hopeful that ChowMein isn’t a stereotypical slutty Asian maid from any Kobe Tai porn but is met with a big thumbs down by the least ethical doctor in town.

SHOW ME… HYMEN!

ERRR…. WRONG ANSWER!

Although Bree got her personal belongings taken away, she somehow still had access to her cell phone. So listening to her messages she hears from Betty that Matthew was actually the one who killed Melanie Foster. Bree, for some reason, thinks that she’ll be able to just walk on out of the looney bin and is COMPLETELY shocked when she is detained. Again she turns into KimberBree and goes full-on woman on the verge. She then swears that if anything happens to her daughter… sleepy… getting… so… sleepy… Hey, Bree there are those hardcore drugs you wanted!

We get treated to another flashback, and sigh, there’s Rex again. This time we catch the Van DeCamps in the drugstore, picking up Rex’s prescription from George the Terrorist Pharmacist. They are also buying Danielle some hair dye because 5 years ago she made the mistake of expressing herself through a unique hair color, thus incurring the wrath of KimberBree. I don’t know how I felt about these two scenes depicting Bree as this Mommie Dearest. I just don’t think they ring all that true. I don’t know…

The next thing you know it’s the present day and Bree is all tied up in her hospital bed for being a VERY naughty girl.

“You had a bad day…”

There’s an orderly in the room with her trying to clean up, and she’s trying to convince him that the restraints are only because of her habit of sleepwalking and that it wouldn’t be a big deal to let her go. The orderly explains to her that he wasn’t born yesterday and that he’s enjoying every minute of her squirming misfortune. Apparently someone was NOT very popular in high school. As far as I’m concerned, she should just be grateful that he’s not in their rubbing up against her and licking her face like the orderly in Terminator 2.

Meanwhile, Carl has decided to grab his penis pump and kidnap his girls by driving their “home” over to the site of the house that he bought them. Take that Mike Define! Susan is freaked out at first, but Julie loves it, and since Susan has been seriously scarring Julie for the past few weeks, she decides to accept.

Mike Delfino’s next scene is sponsored by Nissan, and we know because as he’s washing his truck we practically get smacked in the face with the emblem. He spots Susan and Danielle across the street packing up their trailer, and he finds out they are moving. Carl feels confident about his cock size because not only does he drive a Ferarri, he’s bought his ex-wife a house, and a house is way bigger than a ring. Carl and Mike then get into a fight, during which Mike blurts out that he had gotten Susan a ring. Gauntlets have been thrown, and now Susan is going to have to make a decision: Whose penis is bigger?

Susan heads on over to Mike’s to talk about that little wedding ring he mentioned. Mike, however, is more concerned about the pain in his tooth from the fight that he and Carl got into. She tells him to go see Orson, her friend the Dentist, and he gladly accepts. They pause, they flirt, she leans in, he leans out, and it’s all very cutesy. And I could hardly care less.

Taking Susan up on her offer, Mike goes to Dr. Orson, DDS for some work on his teeth. They make a little friendly we-both-want-to-screw-Susan small talk before Orson asks Mike if he’s ever been in jail. Mike is caught off guard because he didn’t realize that you could tell such a thing by looking at dental records. Orson tells Mike that he used to be a jailhouse dentist (insert prison joke here), and even did some experiments on some of the inmates. Why Orson would tell Mike this is beyond me, but I’m at least moderately intrigued. Mike asks him if he was ever one of Orson’s guinea pigs because he did look a bit familiar. Orson says that’s ridiculous, he only worked in Virginia as a dentanalrapist. Mike astutely notes that his diploma is from Minnesota, and Orson swats that nugget away by claiming he is licensed in three states. Alright, Kyle/Orson/Trey I’m listening…

Back at the trailer, Julie is again placating her mother while Susan is putting the finishing touches on the Meyer family descent into white trash-dom: Christmas lights on the trailer. Apparently, Susan has left an invitation and a map to her G-Spot for Mike so she can propose to him Whatever, Susan. Lorelai did that to Luke last year. As Susan is stalking Mike through the window of the RV, she notices that he’s seen the invitation and is accepting! Now all she needs to do is shave her legs, and inflate her breasts and she’s ready to go!

Susan later finally tells Carl that she can’t take the house, his penis is smaller, and she wants a divorce so she can propose to Mike.

Elsewhere, Matthew and Danielle are hiding in some seedy motel where Danielle complains about the conditions of their getaway. She explains to him that she gets very bitchy if she doesn’t get fed, but also warns him NOT to feed her after midnight. Matthew informs Gizmo that they don’t have any money; so food isn’t really an option. Apparently, Danielle thought assault and battery and being on the lam would be more like the movie Troop Beverly Hills, and she’s starting to get a little disenchanted with the whole thing. She wants food, she wants money, and she wants Shelley Long. And she wants them now!

We are now back two years earlier, and Gabrielle is fighting with Carlos about never being around. Of course, he’s never around: He’s busy embezzling funds, silly girl. You know who is around though? John, the jailbait gardener. That’s right ladies, Jesse Metrosexual is back! Ugh. Great… We now see how their illicit “Dear Penthouse forum” affair began. Gabrielle was lonely, and John the Gardener was shirtless and a virgin. How sweet. Gabrielle, unknowingly, steals his virginity at 16 , but don’t worry, John the gardener was an excellent lover, even at 16. For his first time. Right. Damn you John the gardener! Why must you get everything! The only thing that helps me through this scene is the awkward tension between Eva Longoria and Jesse Metrosexual. Rumor has it that things between these two perfect specimens got a little tense this/last season, and it kind of shows in their forced make out. Also probably, because when the scene wrapped Jesse gave Eva some tips on tweezing her eyebrows and waxing her crotch. Leaping forward two years to the present, Gabrielle remembers that her tryst started in the garage and starts placing baby monitors in there and all around the house to catch Carlos eating ChowMein’s crem of sum yung asian slave. She quickly thinks that she’s caught them in the act over the monitor, but really, Carlos is just raving about her cooking not her vagina. Yet.

Back in 2004 again (not exactly easy for the recapper, Marc Cherry!), Lynette has just given birth to baby Penny, and she and GayMatt are debating over names that start with a P, because, aww shucks, all their kids’ names start with a P. How about Pathetic? Painful? Pretentious? Tom finally caves on the name Penny and says that he’ll get to name the next one. Lynette, at this point just completely loses it because she wanted one kid and GayMatt wanted 4 and somehow she just popped the fourth devil baby out of her. Enough! In the present Lynette and Tom are waiting on top of their car (a Nissan!) for Tom’s Baby Mama, Nora, and their illegitimate daughter, Kayla. Alas, Nora shows up without Kayla, but who cares! Nora isn’t really Nora at all! She’s Alex from Saved by the Bell: The College Years! You know, the one who wore those Blossom hatsand found love with AC Slater!!! I momentarily get distracted by wondering just what it’s like to work with Dustin “Screech” Diamond and because I can’t remember if Alex and AC end up together in Saved by the Bell: Vegas Wedding. I remember Jesse Spano showing up last minute at the Zack Morris-Kelly Capowski nuptials, but I can’t remember if Jesse Showgirls-ed her way back into AC’s heart. Someone out there help!

I love you Albert Clifford!

Anyway, it seems as though, Nora isn’t the drama geek she used to be at Bayside University. She wants back child support, and she wants it now! Best. Guest Star. Ever.

At the Scavo house, Lynette is very serious and concerned, and we know that because she hasn’t bathed or groomed herself in days.

It’s almost as if someone took Eva Longoria’s DNA and just reversed it 100%.

They are discussing how to buy off Nora to sign away her back child support. Tom Scavo: Father of the Year, Ladies and Gentleman. They come up with the tidy sum of $30,000. If Brandon Davis thought Lindsay Lohan was poor for only being worth $7 million, imagine what he’d think of the Scavos! This makes me wonder why all these people live on Wisteria Lane. Bree and her kids all have trust funds from her rich daddy, and Rex used to be a Doctor. Gabrielle & Carlos are the Mexican dream come true and loaded. Susan lives in a trailer and can’t afford health insurance, and Lynette and Tom can barely scrape together $30,000 grand to pay for Alex & AC Slater’s wedding!. That’s not even half of what the Solis’ paid for there last kid.

With the craziness going on over at the Scavo’s, we get to check out Bree in her therapist’s office at the Looney Bin, and she’s playing the whole I-realized-I’m-crazy-and-now-I’m-fine game. Again, flashes of Terminator 2 dance in my head when Sara Connor reneges on her whole “Robots are going to destroy the world” story to get to see her son and then flips out and stabs her therapist with a pencil. The exact same thing happens here, except that instead of a pencil, Bree throws the therapeutic sand from the therapeutic desk golf set in his face. Bree’s escape at this point is nothing short of a Daffy Duck/Bugs Bunny cartoon, as she hides behind doors and shoos herself out of the Looney Bin, all while making eyes at Orson, who is visitng The Lady in White.

Next thing you know the remaining housewives are hanging out at Lynette’s, talking about Susan’s pending proposal to Mike. It’s awkard for a moment because Gabrielle and Lynette forget momentarily who Mike and Susan are because they haven’t spoken in so long. Penny’s baby monitor is picking up some one else’s conversation, and wouldn’t you know, it’s Carlos in the process of watering ChowMein’s Lotus flower. Ouch! Gabrielle storms from the house, kicks off her shoes mid-run, and overhears ChowMein coming to a full boil. She decides not to confront Carlos right then and there. She then asks for ChowMein’s help with a chore — that chore being throwing all of Carlos’ belongings in the yard for him.

Carlos begs and pleads and even brings up the fact that Gabby said he could have an affair, but Wisteria Lane hath no fury like a woman scorn. When they are done, ChowMein asks Gabrielle if she can go too. And Gabrielle tells her she can go… start cooking dinner. ChowMein isn’t going anywhere while she has Gabrielle’s baby in her fortune cookie. ChowMein then says something under her breath in her native tongue, and both Gabby and I are in agreement that she wasn’t saying, “Thank you kind boss lady.” Gabrielle then tells ChowMein that she is the boss of her and shows her the slave trading papers to prove it. And channeling the character she used to play in Young and the Beautiful Life to Live, Eva Longoria warns ChowMein to behave or this will the WORST nine months of her life. I’ve got to say that this scene played pretty well (albeit soapy), and I’m pretty excited to see how this is going to turn out next season because I think they really played down ChowMein this season to make her more of a RoarMein next.

Next Stop: NoraTown. This is the funniest scene of the episode because Nora is casually crazy, sort of like Lynette, but in a funnier way. At one point she just starts yelling at Lynette and then meows at her. Literally. Lynette refers to herself as the mother of 80% of Tom’s children; Nora says she doesn’t want every Christmas to be ugly just because they don’t get along. It’s bizarre, and I love it. She informs the Scavos that what is more important than money is family. And they are now one big happy family. So she doesn’t want the back child support, and she took the 30 g’s they bribed her with and bought a house on the next block over. Next season, I think the sparks are going to fly between Nora and Lynette. And shockingly, I’m looking forward to it.

Poor Susan, though. She’s at her trailer which is parked on lover’s lane, waiting for Mike, and you just know things are going to turn out bad for them. Mostly because 2 seconds later as Mike is leaving in his NEW NISSAN truck, a car lights up and follows him.

Danielle had suggested that she and Matthew sneak into her mom’s house because she knows the combination to her safe. Matthew was hesitant, but Gizmo had just gotten wet and was starting to spurt Gremlins from her back, so Matthew thought it might not be the worst idea to get out of the motel for a little while. As luck would have it, Bree hasn’t gotten back from the Michael Scofield she just pulled at the Looney Bin. Unfortunately, Bree had changed the combination to the safe, but Matthew has the ultimate combo. He goes to his house to get a sledgehammer and rifle through his mother’s pocketbook. This leads to a Betty/Matthew emotional smack down where Betty plays the part of Velma and Matthew is Mr. O’Hare, the old lighthouse keeper. She starts explaining to him what she knows he did (Melanie. Bludgeon. Cover-up), and he starts monologuing about how he would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those nosy kids and their pesky dog! There’s also a nice little “you never loved me as much as Caleb” moment, but it’s about 22 episodes too late for me to care. Betty decides that she’ll have the last laugh though and calls the police once her son leaves.

Matthew brings the sledgehammer down on the safe, and not, sadly, on Danielle’s head. God, she’s annoying. It is worth noting, however, that Bree keeps about $50,000 in her safe at home, which isn’t strange, I suppose, if you have the funds. What is strange is that the safe is just lying right next to her bed on the floor. Not hidden behind a painting or in the floor. It’s just right next to her nightstand, like where I keep my sandals. Oh, rich people!

As they are leaving, Bree storms in and calmly asks Danielle to speak with her in the other room. Danielle declines, to which Bree leaps for the phone. Matthew ain’t having that and he rips the phone out of the wall. The wheels in Danielle’s head finally start turning as her mother explains how Matthew is the real killer of Melanie Foster. Danielle obviously thinks that’s the “lamest thing I’ve ever heard,” to which I was hoping that her mother would say: “Oh yeah! Well you’re the lamest thing I’ve ever seen!” Bree, however, takes the high road and blocks the door so they can’t leave. Matthew then takes out a gun, and Bree tells him he’ll have to shoot her in order to get out of there with her daughter. At this point, I’ve got to admit that I’m kind of thinking that maybe Bree should let Matthew take Danielle and just start over because she is not exactly batting a thousand with her current brood. Sure, she’s about 126 years old, but if technology can still paste her face together, it should be able to allow her to carry a child to term. And sure her ex-boyfriend was a sex/booze addict, and he slept with her son, but other than that, he seemed like a really nice guy. Alas, Bree doesn’t take my advice, and simply walks closer to the gun, egging Matthew on because she wins either way. If he shoots, her daughter will see him for what he is, and her alien creators will just recreate her. Danielle finally comes to her senses and starts screaming at Matthew, telling him not to point the gun at her mother. Happy Belated Mother’s Day, Bree! Unfortunately for Matthew he didn’t have to put his gun down because the 911 call that Betty made 10 minutes ago has gotten an entire swat team down to Wisteria Lane. One of those marksman decides not to disarm 17 year old Matthew but to instead, SHOOT HIM IN THE HEART! What? Who does that? I get the dramatic intent, but all I kept thinking was, why don’t they just shoot him in the arm, leg, shoulder, knee? Oh well, that’s why my application for Wisteria Lane Swat Team (WLST) was denied, I guess.

On Wisteria Lane the police are carting away Matthew’s dead corpse – WHOOPS — as all the neighbors are looking on. Danielle is crying, and Bree is consoling, and everyone is pretty torn up, including Betty.

BUT…I’M… AN… OSCAR… NOMINEE!!!

Remember when I said things seemed like they were going to end poorly for Susan tonight? Well, while Mike is heading on his way to see Susan, he stops and gets her some flowers, knowing that in order to get into Susan Meyer’s pants, you need to at least ply her with some sort of gift. Just ask Ryan Secrest. But then, WHOA, Mike gets mowed down by someone in a red car. First instinct is that it’s Carl, but wouldn’t you know it – its Orson the Dentist, or as I think I might start calling him, Dr. Giggles (IMDB that reference). I’m actually pretty torn up for Susan for thinking she is being ditched by Mike as she leaves him an umpteenth message. Then I get really upset that I care in the first place! So to feel better, I run outside and find a puppy to kick. Ahh. There we go. Much better.

We are then treated to what I can only hope and pray is Mary Alice’s last voiceover ever (sadly, I think not). Susan with bangs. Bree looking like a J. Crew catalog vomited all over her. Tom & Lynette with twins on the way. Gabrielle and Carlos doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it wellll. And then we see Mary Alice for one last time, all perfect and sweet, and not at all bullet-in-brain dead. In the present we see the Applewhites have packed up their moving truck and are hitting the road (PEACCCCE!), with the big shock being Dr. Giggles. The next morning he leaves his car with some flowers (the same ones Mike was holding when he mowed him down?), and you assume he’s moving in for the kill (PUNS!) with Susan. SHOCK. He’s actually heading over to Bree’s house, and she invites him in. Apparently, Dr. Giggles likes his women just a little crazy, and Bree likes her men, well, just a little crazy too.

Well thanks for sticking with me for this EXXXXTRA long recap! Letters to Marc Cherry asking him to never again let a 2 hour episode occur would be greatly appreciated. So what did you think of the season finale? The season, was pretty mediocre, but the new characters introduced here kind of piqued my interest. What do you think? Did the season finale make you want to watch or open up a space in your TiVO for next season? Do you care about Orson/Nora/The Lady in White? Were you glad to see the Applewhites go? Hopefully, I’ll be back here recapping in the fall. In the mean time, I’ll definitely be posting over the summer.