One Ring to Rule Them All..

It looks like the streak of good writing has kept up with Desperate Housewives because we once again were treated to a good episode last week. Hopefully this means they finally hit their stride, and we can only expect bigger and better things all season. Also, this episode marks the first appearance of actor Nashawn Kearse, after cast member Page Kennedy was fired for showing people his dingleberries. And unlike fellow guest star Bob Newhart, he didn’t have enough celebrity juice to sweep it under the carpet. You’d be amazed how many people Newhart has teabagged on the set, and yet he continues on the show unscathed. I heard it from a guy who knows a guy. First though I must apologize for the lateness of the recap. I can only blame the tryptophane-induced coma I’ve been in since earlier this week. The show starts as everyone is at a neighborhood watch meeting after last week’s escape of Caleb, who kind of sort of attacked Gabrielle and made her fall down the stairs. When someone mentions that they should hire security, Betty Applewhite starts playing the piano which distracts everyone. Then later when someone mentioned that the kid looked a lot like Betty Applewhite, she started dangling a shiny tin foil ball, which also distracted everyone. She’s good.

Unfortunately what we’ve suspected from last week is confirmed. Gabrielle had a miscarriage. She’s not exactly taking it hard however as we see her throwing out all the baby clothes and going off to shop without blinking an eye. Over at prison, Carlos is dealing with his grief in a much more Carlos-y way. By punching things. He sits down to talk to Gabrielle and his hands are bloody from ripping up a mattress and he’s been tranquilized. What’s worse is in ripping up the mattress he illegally removed the mattress tags, thus adding another six months to his sentence. When he sees that Gabrielle is showing no emotion about the miscarriage he starts to get that “gay bashing� vibe we’ve all come to know so well and before long he is carted away to his cell where he will no doubt download music illegally or tape a baseball game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

Susan meanwhile is approaching Mike with another excuse to have a conversation. She is asking him if he will show up to her mother’s wedding tomorrow to Bob Newhart. He says no, and then when she continues to try and make small talk he starts dumping leaves by her feet in a not-so-subtle hint for her to leave. When she starts talking about her father and how he died in Vietnam in a battle with the merchant marines, Mike points out that the story makes no sense and could never have happened. Which is true and yet I don’t find it difficult to believe that Susan never questioned it for all of her 48 years on this earth.

When we see Lynette coming home from a long day’s work she noitices both her twins are outside playing in the street. When she gets inside she confronts Tom about leaving the kids out on the street unattended. When Tom sees they snuck out without him seeing, he tells her not to worry because kids will be kids. He swears to her that he can watch them safely. In order to prove that the next day he brings Lynette into the living room where he shows that he has taught the kids to say no to getting in a car with strangers. But Lynette isn’t buying it. Soon this will lead to this week’s “Lynette lies to her familyâ€? moment of the week.

As Bree is cutting out coupons in the newspaper she notices that her and George’s wedding announcement is in the paper. When she goes to confront him at the pharmacy, he claims that he “forgot� to take it out of the paper. Bree of course buys it, but as she’s leaving George notices that she isn’t wearing her engagement ring, and in his not-so-subtle insane “do it or I’ll eat your eyes out� way he insists that she wear the ring. Bree puts it on for him, smiles and walks off.

Over at the Solis house Gabrielle is surprised to find a giant Mexican standing outside her house. His name is Hector, and he’s been sent to look in on her. She freaks out and tells him to leave. He says that he’ll give her her space, and then drives off. Something tells me we’ll see him again soon. Or it could just be a random plot point that goes nowhere and makes no sense. But my instincts tell me differently.

As Bree is working in her yard (and looking immaculate, as usual) a woman comes up to her and tells her they have to talk. She saw the announcement in the paper and says that she used to date George and is there to warn her. It seems George has a history of being insanely jealous. Which is weird because up until know he’s just been known as being murderously insane. Apparently there are numerous facets to George’s insanity. Perhaps he’s also insanely neat, or insanely devoted to watching reruns of Knight Rider. I know I am.

When she tells Bree about how George used to hit her and set an ex-boyfriend’s car on fire, Bree won’t hear it and tells her to leave her house immediately. Later she confronts George in the pharmacy and tells him about Leila’s visit. George says to ignore her, that she is a liar and mentally unstable. In order to prove this he goes over and prints out her medical records on file with the pharmacy, showing her on all sorts of antidepressants and antipsychotics. This pharmacy rules. She reluctantly says she believes him but as she walks away we see her surreptitiously take off her engagement ring and put it into her purse. Who knows what it was that tipped her off; perhaps it was having George illegally show her someone else’s medical records. But that’s not all, we then see George switching the name back on the medical record. It seems he switched names on the printout to trick her into thinking Leila is crazy.

At Susan’s mother’s rehearsal dinner, Susan confronts Sophie about her dad’s story on a picturesque bridge overlooking some swans. Susan did some checking and can’t find any evidence that her dad was ever in the Marines. Sophie storms off refusing to answer her questions and inexplicably the scene does not end in a catfight with one of them falling over the bridge into the water. That’s so unlike Susan.

Later in Morty’s car he tells Susan that Sophie went home. Morty has about six lines of dialogue in this scene but since this is Bob Newhart we are talking about, the scene goes on for about eight minutes when you include all the repeated words and “ahhs� and “umms.� The truth is that Susan is the result of a one night stand and Sophie never had the heart to tell her. Knowing Susan, her real father will most likely turn out to be Bozo the Clown.

Susan later apologizes to her mother saying she know realizes she was only lying to protect her. They hug and all is well. But you know it won’t be. Knowing this show I expect some sort of huge scene on her wedding day.

When we see Gabrielle walking out of her house she is surprised to find Hector sitting on her porch. He’s asking why she has spent the last few days doing nothing but shopping when she just lost her baby. He says that he never heard of “shopping out the pain.� I sure have. In fact I plan on going nuts at the Christmas Tree Shop this week to mourn the end of November sweeps. You can get like four Santa candy bowls for like four bucks there! It’s so awesome.

At Lynnette’s office she confronts her co-worker Stu, who I can only assume is Jim Carrey’s younger brother since they look exactly alike, and says she has a job for him. She wants him to kidnap her kids. Yep, in order to prove a point to her husband she is going to have Stu kidnap her kids in broad daylight in front of her house. Can’t imagine seeing that go wrong.

When Stu rolls up to the kids and tells them if they get in the car he will give them candy, they go running to him. One they are in the car Mrs. McClusky, Lynette’s bitchy next door neighbor, comes up to Stu and starts tasering him. All sorts of Jim Carrey-esque flailing occurs. And as stupid as it looks it’s still ten times more entertaining than Lemony Snicket.

Soon to be seen starring in Dumb And Dumber, The College Years

At Morty and Sophie’s wedding reception, Sophie is giving her speech, and when she looks over at Susan she breaks down and admits, in front of everyone, that her dad wasn’t a one night stand. He was her married boss named Addison Prudy and he works just across town. That’s right, Susan’s real name is Susan Prudy. That fits. Susan, doing what she does best, storms off. I need to start doing that more in my day to day life. Just storm out at the end of conversations. It would make things so much more interesting.

At a chic restaurant we see Bree and George having dinner. When George sees she’s not wearing her ring he asks her where it is. She says that the stone was loose and she wants to get it fixed. He still insists she wears it, and he looks dangerously close to a full on meltdown. Before they can continue the conversation Bree is interrupted by a former college boyfriend. When she introduces him to George and notices a jealous look in is eye Bree decides to test out a theory about what Leila said to him earlier. He asks Ty, the former boyfriend, to dance. Within a few seconds George grabs the engagement ring, storms over to Bree and in a fit of rage tells her that she has to wear the ring. She has to wear the precioussss. Then he grabs her hand and starts trying to shove it on her. Shove it on the filthy Hobbitses finger! When Bree finally sees the true George she tells him that the engagement is off. When George goes outside later, he manages to get Ty’s car from the valet and drives off with it. Later we see him in a field as the car is burning. That’ll teach them. That’ll teach the stupid fat hobbit to not wear the preciousss.

Meanwhile at Gabrielle’s, Hector is still hanging around. When she tells him that she will give him a thousand dollars to go away he says OK, but first they have to go to his bank to cash the check. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Let’s just get in the stranger’s dingy-looking car and drive off. Even Lynette’s kids are not stupid enough to do that without at least being given candy first. When she gets in the car, he locks the doors and tells her that he isn’t here to watch over her at all.

Instead of some creepy basement with a gimp locked in a suitcase, Hector takes her to the park and gives her a balloon. It seems that Carlos sent him to help her with her grief. And by releasing the balloon it will be acknowledging and releasing her grief as well. When she tries to let go of the balloon she finds she can’t and becomes overcome with emotion. She then says she was going to name the baby Charlie, and lets go of the balloon.

Finally, on Wisteria Lane, Mike goes to check on his dog barking and sees that its Caleb version 2.0 in his yard. He runs him down and tackles him. When the police arrive they put him in the back of the car and as he is being taken away we see Betty Applewhite holding her finger to her mouth telling him to keep quiet.

So what did you think? Do you think the show will continue its streak of good writing, or devolve into more silliness? We’ll find out next week. Or actually tonight, since this recap was so late….