Desperate Housewives: Breakin’ the Law, Breakin’ the Law!

Previously on Desperate Housewives, the gay kid got one line, the gay couple completely disappeared, and not a lesbot in sight. Yet somehow Desperate Housewives is still the gayest show on television. God bless you Marc Cherry.

“Girlfriend, you better get your hot tranny mess ass down here. Seriously, this fire is fierce.”

We begin this week with Mary Alice telling us that…..wait a minute. Mary Alice is dead! That’s a dead woman talking!! She’s a g…g…g…ghost! Zoinks!

Anyway, we’re told that Lynette has always been able to tell when Tom is lying by his high voice, or odd word choice and she’s hoping that she can use those tells to her advantage. She needs to know if Tom burned down Rick’s restaurant and where the hell he was when she wanted him to come play with her hot new straw hair last night. Lynette can’t decipher if he’s telling the truth about his whereabouts when Rick’s place caught on fire so she encourages him to have an alibi. Tom sees through her distrust and reassures Lynette that he had absolutely nothing to do with the fire.

“That’s funny. Tom never commits random acts of arson at home.”

Mary Alice continues to tell us, from beyond the freakin’ grave, that everyone is a rule breaker in one way or another. One such instance is the policeman, played by Mr. Brady himself, Gary Cole, who pulls over Dylan and tells her that she did not slow down when passing a construction zone. By the way Gary Cole ominously eyes Dylan’s picture while memorizing her address we can safely assume that there was indeed no construction zone and that Mr. Brady has moved on from committing simple polygamy to being a creepy stalker. We’re assured that this is true when Gary Cole gets in his police cruiser and sits next to the newspaper society page with Dylan and Katherine’s photo circled in red.

“Respect my authotiai!”

Back at Susan’s place, Bree is busy packing up her life, Pinesol, rubbers and such, while Susan tries to convince her to stay longer. Bree is determined to go back to her own home where there are actual mirrors and where candlelight isn’t the norm. Susan begins to ooze a salty discharge from the general area where her eyes used to be, which makes Bree immediately uncomfortable. Bree tells Susan that she shouldn’t be so raw and hideous with her emotions, rather she should push them deep down into the pit of her stomach and then put white wine on top of them. Susan agrees to try Bree’s method despite the spawn hormones that are raging through her.

“And then Enis went to the closet and found Jack’s blood stained shirt was there.”

Across the street, Carlos’ seeing eye dog arrives to become another hairy member of the family. Gaby is thrilled to have some help with Carlos but wants to learn the command to say so that the dog will fetch Carlos the remote or bring him a beer or polish him off when she’s had enough and just wants to sleep already. The dog trainer tells Gaby that Roxy isn’t that kind of full service dog, instead she is only there to help Carlos get from point A to point B. Gaby tries to insist that polishing off Carlos during their monthly sex nights is a little like that, but fails before storming off on her Latina juff.

“No, it’s pronounced ‘Ay-Zhun.’ There are only about a billion of us. You’ve really never met one?”

Mike is finally home from rehab, clean of the junk and now hooked on caffeine. Susan is making a celebratory dinner for his return but breaks down and cries over her potatoes before running off to find liquor, leaving Julie and Mike alone in the kitchen. With Susan out of the room Julie takes the opportunity to mention the odd thing that Orson said when he was sleepwalking. Not the thing about finding Rumer Willis attractive, but the part about apologizing for running over Mike with his car. Julie and Mike both agree that his were merely the nocturnal emissions of an insane sex addict since Orson didn’t even know Mike when that happened. Julie leaves but Mike begins to wonder, “did I really save a ton of money by switching to Geiko?”

“O dear, I think I pooped myself again.”

While Bree is busy pruning her poison oak plant Katherine approaches her with a proposition. Bree tells Katherine that she is flattered by the offer but hasn’t swung that way in over 2 years. Katherine specifies that the offer was for she and Bree to go into business together as caterers after receiving several calls asking for their services after the banquet last week. Bree again declines saying that she has a new baby, a husband that’s horny 24/7 and a raging case of hemorrhoids, all of which make running a business very challenging. Katherine uses her How to be a Raging Bitch and Influence People handbook and convinces Bree to do it by saying that she will do it herself and take all the glory. Bree never did learn psychology.

“If we were back in prison I would so stab you with my toothbrush.”

Mike decides to pay Orson a visit in Orson’s garage, the last bastion of masculinity on this show. Mike, never one to beat around the bush, other than that time Susan’s vagina actually burst into flames, directly asks Orson if he is the person that ran him over. Orson initially tries to deny the accusation, but quickly breaks down and confesses.

After Gaby completes her nightly full-body shave and uterus scraping, she comes to the bedroom to find Roxy lying in bed with Carlos. Gaby puts her size 1-1/2 foot down and says that she is not sharing a bed with a hairy beast with poop-breath, and the dog has to go too. Carlos likes having something in bed that responds when he pets it, but Gaby raises her voice and elicits a firm “no!” Roxy doesn’t appreciate Gaby’s tone and becomes protective, barking at her and not allowing her in bed. Gaby catches on quickly uses a dulcet tone to tell Carlos that he needs to get that disgusting beast out of the bed or she may very well kill him in his sleep. Carlos stands his ground causing Gaby to retreat to the guest room, but luckily she is used to sleeping around.

“Mmmm, my balls taste good!”

Across the street, Susan is trying to seduce Mike by wearing the latest maternity lingerie from “Fat Freddy’s Bustier Emporium” but Mike has too much on his mind. Susan is able to cool her bacon strip long enough to listen to Mike tell her about Orson’s confession.

“Are you saying you don’t wanna Get. With. This?”

Unfortunately, Susan doesn’t take the news well and immediately storms over to Bree’s house and bursts in. With a terrycloth robe screaming for relief while tied around her waist, Susan demands that Orson never come near her, Mike or her oddly proportioned daughter ever again. Bree is visibly confused until Susan tells Bree what Orson has done. Mike follows in and pulls Susan out of the house, with the help of 6 longshoreman, leaving Bree confused and angry with her husband. More so than usual.

The next morning Gaby decides to deal with Roxy the only way she knows how, with lies and deception. Gaby coaxes Roxy out of the house with a pair of Carlos’ stained briefs, loads the bitch in the car and drives her back to the guide dog school. She gives Roxy back to trainer saying that Roxy wasn’t helpful enough so they invested in a helper monkey named Buttercup Von Phisterburg. Gaby drives off, but Roxy is a determined little bitch and breaks free of the trainer and chases Gaby’s car down the street.

“Come here, Roxy. These are ball flavored.”

While Dylan is cruising the local park she is once again approached by creepy Gary Cole Cop-Man. He confesses that he didn’t really pull her over for a traffic violation, rather just so he could meet her as he is her allegedly dead father. Dun dun dun!!!

“As your father let me give you a word of advice: don’t ever do a bunch of coke and then put on a rented police uniform. You’ll really freak yourself out.”

When Gaby arrives home Carlos is in a blind panic over his missing dog. Gaby breaks the sad news to Carlos that Roxy ran out of the door and disappeared down the street. Gaby vows to Carlos that she will do whatever it takes to get Roxy back, if that means going to ends of the Earth, or crawling over broken glass or…..looking out the window where Roxy happens to be standing. Gaby leaves the house “search” for Roxy and while she is frantically trying to get the bitch back in the car, Carlos comes out and tells Gaby that the trainer called and told him everything.

“Open. Open. Open.”

Dylan’s dad has taken her out for pie to reconnect and spend a little time creeping her out. Dylan confronts her dad about the history of violence that her mother reported, and Gary Cole admits it openly. He tells Dylan that whereas he hit her a couple times, she gave as well as she got. Gary Cole notices the resistance in Dylan for her allegedly dead father coming back into her life so he offers to leave and never contact her again since his presence will no doubt make Katherine uncomfortable. Gary Cole turns to leave and Dylan stops him saying that they can maybe not tell her mother for the time being, causing that bielzebobian smile to creep back onto Mr. Brady’s face.

“Excellent. She’s falling right into my nefarious scheme. O crap, did I say that out loud. I crap, did I say THAT out loud?”

While Tom and Andrew are busy setting up for the dinner rush, meaning the Jenkins family, Rick enters the restaurant filled with piss and olive oil. Rick came to confront Tom about the recent vandalism and arson after finding a pack of Scavo Ristorante matches outside of his restaurant. Andrew leaves to retrieve candles just as Lynette is waltzing in the back door. Lynette and Andrew both hear the two men fighting, so Lynette races to stop them while Andrew hurries to find some jell-o. When Lynette tries to intervene she is knocked to the ground but luckily she has taken to using mechanic shop bondo on her wig so it stays perfectly in place. Andrew realizes that the only way to put a stop to this fight is for some Tom of Finland cops prompting him to dial 911.

“Boys, boys. Don’t fight. There’s enough of me to go around. And what I can’t handle, Andrew will take on.”

At the police station Lynette tells the policemen that Rick only opened his restaurant around the corner to antagonize Tom since she wouldn’t sleep with him. This only ads more fuel to the fire, pun intended, as the police interpret this as another motive for Tom to have set the fire. Lynette corrects their assumption, saying that Rick probably set the fire himself to frame Tom but did a poor job since she was with Tom the entire night at the founder’s ball. When the police mention the fact that witnesses claim that Tom disappeared for large portion of the evening, Lynette once again lies to a state official and says that she saw Tom sitting in the car and listening to the basketball game.

The police agree to let Tom leave since they don’t have enough evidence to hold him any longer since he’s white. Rick angrily asks the police if they are really going to just let him go based on his wife’s alibi, but is interrupted by Lynette who tells Rick that he knows her well enough to know that she would not lie, unless it was to her mother or a snack cake was somehow involved.

Square-Head-No-Neck seeks recent cancer victim for fun times, romantic evenings by a roaring fire and regular trips to Juvie to visit the kids. Must have own wig.

When Lynette and Tom enter their car Tom is furious at Lynette for lying to a police officer. A police officer, Lynette! Lynette tells Tom that she felt she had to considering all of the evidence against him and the fact that he is the most likely suspect, to the police and to her. Tom tells Lynette that he didn’t start the fire and though he didn’t ignite he is trying to fight it, but he does feel that she lied to him about ever sleeping with Rick. Lynette angrily states, for the last time, “I. Did. Not. Sleep. With. Rick.” Tom replies, “I. Did. Not. Start The Fire. See, I can talk slow too.”

“I. Pooped. My. Pants.”

Back on Wisteria Lane, Gaby answers the door to find Edie waiting with a box of dog treats. The metaphor is just too on the nose. Edie tells Gaby that Carlos asked her to bring them since he is currently not speaking to, nor is he seeing, Gaby. Gaby tries to defend her actions saying that the dog is crazy and barks at her every time she raises her voice or smacks Carlos or put rat poison in his coffee. Edie reminds Gaby that perhaps she should try not doing those things since there are a lot of women who would want Carlos despite his blindness and freakishly hairy back.

Super Doggy Snacks, when your bitch is in heat.

Meanwhile Susan is busy playing sentry guard on her front steps when Mike comes out and asks her to come inside. Susan tells Mike that she can’t see Orson across the street everyday for the rest of her life, which could be as much as 3 years if she eats right and watches her cholesterol. Mike tells Susan that he has forgiven Orson for his actions, and almost understands them since they have both frantically tried to cover up for someone else’s murder in the past. Susan says that it’s not that easy for her since she likes to hold grudges. Hell she hasn’t spoken to her high school friend Laura Ingles since the sophomore year when they had a falling out over corn pone. Mike tells Susan that he would like her to try and forgive Orson, but will understand if she can’t.

I found this picture in Highlights magazine. So far I’ve found the hatchet, the wrench, the old crone, and the pussy, but I can’t find the dog.”

Lynette is in bed alone reading the latest Nora Roberts when the two meanest children from her stable of gingers come in to talk to her. They ask why daddy isn’t sleeping with mommy and why they didn’t hear daddy screaming, “harder, harder!” the way they normally do. Lynette explains that mommy and daddy had a fight and they are trying to work it out, by avoiding each other obviously. The kids confide in Lynette that they heard Rick tell Tom that he was going to take Lynette away from them and they got scared. Their retaliation for Rick scaring them was to get on their bikes and ride to his pizza place and burn it to the ground.

“And if you sing to the coppers we’ll play the kid card. Who they gonna believe; a washed up ex-ad executive in a cheap wig or a couple innocent little boys? That’s what I thought.”

The next day Bree is once again toiling away in her deadly nightshade garden when Susan approaches. Susan sits down and tells Bree that she has decided to forgive Orson but it won’t be easy and it will no doubt be scarred and ugly. Before Susan can finish speaking she sees Orson walking out of the house with his suitcases and hatboxes. Bree says that it’s admirable that Susan has decided to forgive Orson, but Bree admits that she can’t, before breaking down and crying.

After Orson leaves, in order to support herself Bree takes to ho-ing.

Down the street Katherine is frantically working on her latest catering commitment when Dylan enters. Dylan offers to run an errand for her mother and pick up dinner on the way back. Katherine is delighted that her once bitch of a daughter has somehow turned into a delightful young woman with no horrifying secrets. Dylan kisses her mother on the cheek and leaves the house only to get into the car with Mr. Brady for another night of creepy father-idiot daughter bonding.