Recap: Desperate Housewives: All That And A Bag of Teeth

Desperate Housewives, you tricky, dirty little whore, you! Last week I was left sort of cold (and if you haven’t checked up the recap from that episode it was late due to some drunken miscommunication between b-side and myself, but it’s here). I don’t particularly know why, but Gabrielle’s antics in the flower shop and the dissolution of SkeleHatcher and Bree’s friendship due to Alma’s reappearance just registered as a big fat zero with me. And yet here we are a week later, and again for reasons I can’t quite explain, I loved the episode. Actually, next to the Supermarket Sweep episode a few months ago, this week’s episode happens to be my favorite of the season. In the words of Mugatu: “It’s funny how it switches like that.” Find out why after the jump!We start off in the prison yard, and it’s a testament to this episode’s enjoyability factor (scientific equation based on Breelocity multiplied by Lynnettativity), that this doesn’t immediately annoy me. Mike Delfino? Snoresville. And yet here I am moderately captivated (or at least not irritated) by the exploits of inmates who have nothing to do with T-Bag, Fox River or Dr. Sara Tancredi (my imaginary girlfriend this season – things are going really great, thanks for asking). Mike gets jumped by some scary inmates, who are probably just sick and tired of his mediocrity, and not even his toothbrush schive can save him. You know what can? Paul Young. Luckily for Mike, Mr. Young is trying to get in good with him, so he comes to the rescue. Or does he? We next see Paul paying off the guys who jumped Mike, so it looks like Paul is setting one of his wacky schemes into motion, most likely involving some Acme explosives and a really fast bird.

Next up is Gabby, who comes home to find a somewhat unwelcome surprise waiting for her: a mannequin wearing a designer dress! I know what you’re thinking, but no, this one does NOT come alive and fall in love with Andrew McCarthy. It’s just her anonymous stalker’s latest way of letting her know that he loves her. And can get to her any time, any place. Muhahahaha! Alright, that last one wasn’t part of the dress message, but I’m reading in between the lines here. Gabby freaks out and heads over to Carlos’, asking him to spend the night with her for protection… on the couch! Oh Gabby! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I really hope that the writers don’t ruin this sweet dynamic the divorced Gabby and Carlos have achieved by getting them back together. How about something a little different?

Across the street, Tom is just getting home, while Lynette is waiting for him all primed for some restaurant talk and nookie. Tom is being kind of skimpy on the restaurant details, because he knows that once Lynette gets her clutches into his dream, she’ll take over and he’ll feel even less like a man. Wait. Wait. Wait. Tom’s a man? Weird. Tom’s banning of Lynette from the restaurant opening allows for the flattest double entendre of the season (excluding anything said on Two and a Half Men, of course): Tom: “So we’re not having sex?” Lynette: “Well, you banned me from YOUR opening.” Umnata: “Oh for the love of God…”

At Susan’s house, Julie and Duckbill Platypus are having a mature and completely unbelievable conversion about contraception. Julie wants to go on the pill, but Duckbill Platypus is worried that she’ll need to tell her mother that they are having sex in order to get the prescription. He suggests that they just keep on using condoms. Riiiight. What 17-year-old guy says to his girlfriend: “Honey, you know what I really like? Condoms! Forget birth control! Let’s just always use condoms!” Of course, Susan overhears this conversation from up the stairs, and, oh this is going to kill you, falls down the stairs as she’s eavesdropping! Alright, alright, it had been a while since we had any kind of Susan pratfall, so it wasn’t too bad. The real crime here are the Ugg boots that she is wearing, fully laced up, while doing laundry in her house. Who does that? Or rather, what 40-plus year old woman does that? Susan’s fall scares Duckbill away, and she comes at Julie with lots of questions about the status of her V-Card. Susan so effectively freaks out at even the thought of Julie having sex, that Julie lies and tells her mother that her hootenanny is in tact. Liar! It’s kind of sad, actually, to see how far into the land of Sterotypica this once, dare I say it, Gilmoresque mother-daughter relationship, has fallen.

Lastly, it’s Bree. She gets a nasty little surprise, when she discovers that Edie and her hair extensions (seriously, what’s with these ladies thinking they are 20, no 14?), has sold the Applewhite house to Alma. Bree tries to dissuade Alma from buying it by telling her horror stories about the Applewhites and how they nearly brought down ABC’s most successful nighttime soap! Alma is not deterred however, as she used to be on Northern Exposure, thus knowing a thing or two about muddled storytelling. Bree comes home and goes all Martha Stewart (translation: crazy while cooking) on Orson demanding that he go over there and talk some sense into his ex-back-from-the-dead-wife.

Knowing that they’d get nowhere with Susan and her suggestions of chastity belts, Julie and Austin decide to go to Aunt Edie for their birth control problems. Edie is clearly stuck between a rock and a hard, sexy place, as she goes against her natural instincts to, you know, spread it around, by telling the kids that safe sex is no sex. Obviously, that line of advice doesn’t last two long.

At Gabby’s the stalker is nabbed trying to deliver another lavish gift to her. Carlos tackles the guy, but he is just some errand boy for the real stalker. Gabby is shocked and appalled, but also a little intrigued, because the way to this woman’s vagina is through a wallet and fancy dress. She gets the minion (my new favorite word) to call his boss and she gets on the phone with him. Apparently, the stalker is a blast from her past. Oooh, that’s interesting. Gabby is no longer scared, and now thinks all that breaking and entering is utterly charming. She agrees to meet him for lunch, when the big mystery will be revealed. I have $20 on it being either Mr. Drummand, Richie Rich or Karen Walker.

Back in prison, Mike and Paul are getting matching BFF tattoos on their asses, when Mike is warned by one of the guards. Beware of Paul Young!!!

Gabby is over Susan’s for a little coffee and gossip, when Susan fills her in on Julie’s possible sexual exploits. Susan is convinced that Julie wouldn’t lie to her, Julie’s shit smells like roses and Julie’s vagina is sewed up tighter than Joan Rivers face. Gabby reminds Susan that, if the apple truly doesn’t fall far from the tree, chances are Julie is just as much a little skank as a 16-year-old Susan was. Gabby suggests a room raid while Julie is out. Susan agrees, but finds nothing, until Gabby notices Julie’s VCR. I’ll admit, at first I didn’t know what to make of this, and suspected that it was a little soon for Julie and Duckbill Platypus to be spending A Night In Paris. But it turns out the VCR was just a beard, as Julie was hiding her birth control pills in a dummy tape.

Orson obediently heads over to Alma’s to tell her to hit the road jack. Alma laughs this off. You see, the problem is, she still loves Orson, and I suppose that the many hints that he’s given indicating that he isn’t a huge fan of hers is kind of lost on poor Alma. She has no intention of going anywhere. Not until Orson falls in love with her, that is. In fact, for as long as Alma thinks there is hope, she’ll find a way to keep quiet about Orson’s sordid past (running down Mike, etc.). Orson takes this opportunity to slyly let Alma know how slimming her top is.

Knowing that Tom will be out all day, Lynette heads over to the restaurant to check things out. What she finds she likes, except a slacking Andrew, who it seems is Tom’s sole employee. Andrew lets it slip that as great as the place looks, it won’t matter as they are opening in two weeks and the restaurant has no liquor license. If Lynette were my grandmother she would say: “I can not believe it this!”

Now that Susan has found the birth control she has some hell to dish out. She assumes that the recipient is the doctor who prescribed her daughter’s birth control, but soon finds out that the real enemy, naturally, is Edie. Susan and Edie have it out in the street, as Edie makes all the right points: They are kids, they’re in love, deal with it. It seems that Susan is about to come over to Edie’s side, when they walk in on Duckbill Platypus getting hot and heavy with… Danielle! Oh no he didn’t! Well, of course he did, because, let’s face it, Danielle might be a sloth monster, but there are certain things that sloth monster’s are good for. Things that, say a girlfriend, wouldn’t do. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why this world needs girls like Danielle.

Gabby is at the restaurant waiting to meet her mystery stalker. Interestingly enough, her stalker turns out to be a recently flush with cash Zach Young! Well, I guess the signs were there if we were really looking hard enough. Gabby is shocked, and not only because Zach has seriously let his hair grow out. Doesn’t he kind of look like a young, male version of Sally Field in Steel Magnolias? Just saying. Zach is in love with Gabby, which means that if she rejects him, he’ll burn down her house. Regardless, Gabby does reject him, which is shocking to Zach: “I’m two months older than John Roland.” Yeah, but you look like a weasel (or a young, male version of Sally Field in Steel Magnolias), and as much as a cockbag as I think he is, John Roland looked like Jesse Metcalfe. Sorry Zach.

At the urging of Mrs. McClusky (hey there sexy!), Lynette decides to take this whole Liquor License thing into her own hands. It seems that the hold up is signatures from the neighborhood. Her last stop is a sweet old man. Or at least, an old man who seems sweet. He is in fact more interested in Lynette’s boobs than he is in discussing, well, anything. Lynette, never one to back down from a challenge (or a moral gray area), decides to trade him a sneak peak at her knockers in exchange for his signature.

Bree goes over to Alma’s house for one last-ditch attempt at reasoning with her. Alma is flustered from the moving men traipsing in and out of the house. She leaves Bree alone downstairs with her lemonade and parakeet. Polly’s got a new trick: “Don’t tell Bree.” This causes Bree to drop her glass. She then heads into the pantry for some paper towels, but instead finds a loose floor board, under which is a picture of Orson and Monique and a little bag filled with teeth (remember Monique’s body was found toothless). This seriously creeps Bree out, who flees from the house. Me? There’s nothing I love more than a bag of teeth. Game on!

Gabby has returned from her play date, and Carlos is there to gloat. Since Carlos thought that Gabby was heading out to meet a psycho killer, he followed her, and received the extra bonus of learning that he was 100% right: Gabby was meeting a psycho killer, but since it was Zach it was just too funny to take seriously. Gabby is fuming, but still reeling from her lunch with Zach, when it must’ve stung a little bit to hear an 18 year old kid inform her that she was the type of person who always needed to be taken care of, she tells Carlos that she’s going to take a cue from Beyonce, Kelly & Michelle, and try to be an independent woman.

At the Scavo’s, Tom is celebrating the liquor license, although he’s figured out that the mastermind behind it must’ve been Lynette. Wow, that’s one thing Tom’s gotten right. So he’s got that going for him. Tom feels like a loser. Well… Lynette some how convinces him that he’s not, which is disturbing, because now not only is Tom a loser, Lynette is a liar. Oh well.

Susan is waiting for Julie on the front stoop and confronts her about the birth control. Susan mentions her disappointment that Julie felt she couldn’t come too her about this issue. Well, Susan, maybe, and I’m just spitballing here, it’s because you are a touch shrewish when it comes to anything involving your daughters south of the border region? Once they’ve patched things up over this issue, Susan drops the Duckbill Platypus/Danielle bomb. Luckily, the camera cuts away and we don’t get treated to seeing Julie’s initial reaction. Methinks this would’ve been slightly out of her acting depth. After all, she just mastered breathing convincingly a few episodes ago.

There it is! Something wicked this way comes!