Recap: Desperate Housewives: And P is For…

This episode of Desperate Housewives has a lot to offer mostly because of what it excludes. There is no Julie. There is no Austin. There is some Carlos and some Gabby, but there is no Carlos AND Gabby. There are Mike scenes, but one of them involve his arrest, so there is hope for the death penalty and to be rid of him forever. In other news, Ian and Susan’s relationship hit the “drawer at my place” level and Lynette goes wacky over the overly friendly neighborhood Pedophile. Also, some new characters were introduced: Ian’s persnickety, disapproving Butler, who is really, yes that’s him, Mr. Pitt from Seinfeld, and Wisteria Lane’s first Gaysian, Gabby’s BFF Verne. Find out what else is new after the jump!Susan and Ian ARE out on a date, with Susan in her FINEST high end call girl mini-black dress. Mary Alice, that wretched skank, is revealing that Susan’s life, suddenly, is akin to a fairy tale, complete with dashing Prince Charming and eating disorder. This is all but confirmed, when Susan is whisked away to Ian’s palatial mansion for one of the first times, and they make skinny love all night long. The spell is broken the next morning, however, when Ian’s butler, Jeeves (that’s not his real name, but it might as well be) walks in to discover Susan ready for a morning quickie. Jeeves is notably peeved, as it seems he was a big fan of Comatose Jane, Ian’s current wife. It looks to me like there might be some charming antics coming our way soon between “I want you to like me!” Susan and “I’m disapproving and stuffy” Jeeves

Lynette is getting her McCrazy (damn you Patrick Dempsey, for making it impossible for using a Mc without feeling totally lame) on at the police station, answering several of the comments that were posted on last week’s recap, such as whether it was a crime for Lynette to be in Art, the possible pedophile’s house, without him being home. Lynette doesn’t care about the minor breaking and entering laws she may have broken – her conjecture and speculation about Art is FARRRR more important! Unfortunately, without any proof and with Lynette looking like this, the police don’t take her very seriously.

At Gabby’s house, we make another startling discovery: Gabby has been hiding a Gaysian this whole entire time! This is absolutely shocking, since the Gaysian is the new accesory of choice, since the adopted African baby has gone out of style (Thank you Lloyd of Entourage for setting the precedent). I hate when TV shows introduce sidekicks for main characters, as if they’ve been around the entire time, ahem, Lost. Anyway, Gabby is trying on a new dress that her personal shopper/Gaysian Buddy, Verne, has brought over to her (She doesn’t like it: “I look like something Ike Turner would hit.”), when he drops the bombshell that he’ll be starting his own Beauty Pageant Consulting Company. What does this, forming a cult that worships at the feet of Nicole Richie and being disappointed with the new OJ Book dealing going south have in common? They are all part of Satan’s plan to rule the earth once again. Gabby is drafted into helping Verne on this little venture, as she is queen of all things shallow and pretty, and gladly accepts, because she likes when people confirm that she is both shallow and pretty.

Back at Ian’s, Susan has just gotten out of the shower, wrapped herself in a hand towel, and decided that it’s time that she should get a drawer in Ian’s house. After all, she’ll be spending a lot more time there, especially since Ian’s shower head has nozzles that Ian, himself, doesn’t. Ian says that this is just fine, but she’ll have to let Jeeves find the drawer, as he is very particular about the way things are run in the mansion. Ian is worried about Susan and Jeeves being able to get a long, but Susan thinks that things will be fine. They don’t exactly get off on the right foot as Susan bends over and gives Jeeves a flash of her cooter (R.I.P. EdHill). And he thinks she’s crass! Nothing says class like SkeleHatcher ass crack.

It’s dysfunctional family dinner time at the Hodge-Podge house. It seems that Grandma Sugarbaker has been running a mental muck on everyone, especially since she severely underestimated Bree’s Type-A personality superpowers. Seriously, Bree should be spotlighted on Heroes. Save the Casserole. Save the World.

Grandma Sugarbaker has all sorts of health problems, as well as, a fondness for the sauce. Bree’s insistence on not letting her eat anything detrimental to her or get her drink on (by the way, all though you can’t see it, I’m making the drinky drinky hand motion right now), is really starting to tick both Grandma Sugarbaker and her son, Orson off. Grandma Sugarbaker wants out from Bree’s tyrannical rule (if she’s open to giving closeted upper-class business men blowjobs in their Mercedes’, I’m sure Andrew could give her some pointers on life off Wisteria Lane). Orson loves this idea, although it will be a pricey venture for them to undertake. Whatever the cost is, it’s worth it to get rid of his mother. Bree sees the frustrations, although it seems nothing can bother her when she’s making a painfully perfect Strawberry Shortcake, but she’s not ready to give up on her mother-in-law. After all, it’s not like she’s one of her kids. If that was the case, Bree would’ve sent her packing ages ago!

Sadly, the next scene involved Mike Delfino. After recuperating from my mild stroke (I have one every time I see Mike and his HUGE head), I realize that Edie is trying to pay Mike’s bills (that wasn’t a euphemism), but Mike is more interested in Ernie Shaft Hudson, who is staking out Mike’s crib. Ernie Shaft Hudson won’t rest until Mike slips up, leading him to the mysterious tool box which, in addition to being the passageway to Rainbowland, may also contain the wrench that killed slutty Monique.

Gabby heads over to Verne’s House of Ill-Repute and scoffs at the horrid ordinariness of these pre-adolescent girls she has to help mold in to mini-Gabbys. The first lesson is the art of the walk, which as we’ve learned from many cycles of America’s Next Top Model, walking is damn hard. Tara Reid has also proven that, but for wildly different reasons. This, quite sadly leads to what I can only describe as a walk-off montage of the girls, who are “hilariously” inept at making the catwalk their bitch. I half expect David Bowie to judge the damn thing, and for the chubby blonde girl to win for pulling her Strawberry Shortcake underwear off through her pants a la Zoolander.

The next scene brought a surprise glee to the usually horrid scenes involving Mike, as he answers the door to find Carlos at his doorstep. Carlos is having a bad time of it lately and needs a place to crash (or the writers have him under contract and he needs to remain on Wisteria Lane even though he and Gabby are divorced). Carlos convinces Mike that they used to be best friends, and to let him stay with him. Well played Senor Solis.

For some reason when Lynette comes face to face with Art, she backs down. He is more than fine with the fact that she was running around his home while he wasn’t there, but she inexplicably backs down from calling him out on his Neverland Ranch basement. That is until Parker comes out calling for Mr. Protector Man (nice to blow his secret identity, dick), and Lynette shows her Mama Bear Teeth, telling Parker to stay back. Parker just wanted to play with Art’s Pinball machine again. The jig is up Lynette! Once again, your children were your folly! Lynette still doesn’t give him the requisite: “Stay away from my kids” Lifetime mom speech, but Art understands Lynette’s implication. However, it must be said that Art looks more offended than “oh crap, she knows I like little boys.” Perhaps my misunderstanding theory still holds water?

Bree will at least entertain the thought of buying Grandma Sugarbaker a house, so they are taken by Edie to a “fixer-upper” house in the bad part of town. Both Grandma Sugarbaker and Orson love the charm of the dried blood and discarded crack pipes, but Bree is disgusted. She’s also concerned about the liquor store located across the street, where Grandma Sugarbaker can get all the malt liquor her poor, shriveled liver can take. Orson has Bree on the ropes, until Grandma Sugarbaker trips over something in the kitchen, causing Bree to panic and demand that they all return home immediately.

After the girls have melted Gabby’s icy heart by being disgustingly “average” she treats them to pizza and ravishes them with stories of her modeling heydays. The girls learn about wild sex parties, smoking as a method for weight loss and, my favorite pre-teen lesson, bulimia! YAYAYAY!

At Ian’s castle, Susan has stopped by after a day of shopping – seriously, where does this woman get income from – to schmooze Jeeves. She’s even worn an “adorable” hat she
borrowed from Mayim Bialick and bought Jeeves a t-shirt with a British flag on it. Jeeves is clearly upset; not only was he rooting for Joey Lawrence in this season of Dancing with the Stars, he’s not even British. I would say big whoop, but I guess this is kind of like an American being mistaken for a Canadian. Shudder. Susan, who so obviously can’t take no for an answer, decides that the best way to get her drawer from Jeeves is to annoy him to death. Jeeves’ tolerance for annoyance is even lower than SkeleHatcher’s tolerance for complex carbohydrates, and he cracks quickly.

But the joke remains on SkeleHatcher, as the drawer Jeeves found Susan is in a bureau upstairs in a junk room. So this is what Jeeves thinks of her? The answer is yes, as Jeeves all but proves it by calling Susan every synonym for the word “prostitute” without using the word “prostitute.” Apparently, Gold Digging Whore was the straw that broke the Skelton’s back, as she slaps Jeeves and immediately apologizes for it. Sure, Jeeves may have gone a bit too far, but I’m glad someone is at least bringing up the fact that Ian is still married.

Gabby has returned home from a day of shopping for make-up for her new Bratz dolls, when Verne comes over to her in quite a tizzy. It seems that Gabby’s little stories had quite an effect on the impressionable (and, apparently, dumb) girls, as they were caught smoking, vomiting and shooting heroine to stay thin. Verne banishes Gabby from any more help with the girls, all but guaranteeing that they will grow up to be responsible, caring, fully developed individuals. And ugly.

At Mike’s house, the boys (joined by Tom) are watching the game. It’s a quick shot of testosterone I don’t quite know what to do with on a Sunday night. You sit down, manhood intact, saying to yourself that you are secure in your effeminate masculinity to watch Desperate Housewives without hesitation. It’s just that besides the occasional Eva Longoria money shot, there isn’t much happening on the screen to remind you that you are, in fact, a man. So seeing that Brothers Wisteria crowded around the tube is a harsh reality, especially if they were watching the Giants game (poor Eli).

The moment quickly turns from Brawny man to scrawny man, when Mike wants the guys to discuss with him, in detail, what life was like before the accident. What kind of man was he? What was he like? Was he an Autumn or a Summer? Tom and Carlos are annoyed by this, and not wanting to have the discussion, which seems natural, but also kind of like a dickhead move. I mean you’ve already lied your way into an amnesiac man’s living room, are eating his food, drinking his beer and watching his TV. The least you can do is humor him. Which, they finally do, letting Mike know that before the accident he was all Shady Von Shadebluen, and no one really knew him. They also should’ve mentioned that pre-accident he didn’t look like an AIDS victim. And also, what’s with the size of this guy’s noggin? In the words of Mike Myers: “It looks like an orange on a toothpick.” Actually, more like an eggplant on a toothpick, but you get my general point.

Obviously, since she’s Lynette, she has handled the Pedophile crisis in the craziest way possible, by locking up her children on a bright sunny day. I don’t really know where she plans to go with this plan, but Lynette has never been much a step-2 planner. Naturally, after a long day of doing nothing, she falls asleep. Parker, the supposed good one, leaves the house out of boredom. When Lynette awakes and discovers he is missing (and realizes that she made him idolize his Pedophile neighbor – ouch guilt), she races across the street to Art’s house. ‘

She barges in like a lunatic CONVINCED that Art has her son. Lynette, really? You all but accused him of being a child molester I doubt that your kid would be the first one he’d go after. These child molesters might be creeps, but they are clever. Don’t you watch SVU? Anyway, Lynette heads downstairs and is appalled (as am I, a little bit), that Art has cleared out the toy room. “Donated to a children’s hospital” he says. Hmm… interesting… My theory is losing weight by the second…

After Lynette safely finds Parker with his father over at Mike’s, Tom sits Lynette down for a chat about her nutty behavior. Of course, she’s worried for the safety of her children, but much like Goldie Hawn in 1988, she’s gone overboard. Tom thinks she needs to talk to someone, like a therapist. Lynette agrees that she needs to talk to someone, like a nosy neighbor.

Enter the hottest septuagenarian this side of Ida Greenberg, Mrs. McClusky. Lynette spills her Intel to the Lane busybody, thus starting a McClusky phone chain and, if my suspicions about Lynette’s wrongful accusations about Art are correct, a really bad restaging of The Crucible.

Well it took them almost a dozen episodes, but finally Desperate Housewives delivers a cringetastic moment worthy of the crapfest that was Season two. Ian and Susan finally have a heart-to-heart about his difficulties taking a relationship to the next emotional level while his wife is in a coma. Susan accepts this, but wants him to make room in his heart for her, as well as, Comatose Jane. By the way we’re supposed to forget about the fact that up until now Ian was crazy, if not, stalker-like, obsessed with Susan. Ian then finally moves some of Jane’s things out of a drawer, and gives the drawer to Susan. “If I can find room in my heart for both of you, I can certainly make room in my bureau.” Not even Ian’s British accent saves that line.

At the Hodge-Podge, Grandma Sugarbaker is MIA for dinner, so Andrew hurries upstairs, followed in close pursuit by his mother and Orson. Of course, Andrew was trying to save his own ass, as he was smuggling his Step-Granny booze in exchange for cash. Hey, it’s a lot better than what he used to barter with for money. Andrew gets my favorite line once his dastardly scheme is revealed: “You can kiss that codeine goodbye.”

But Grandma Sugarbaker has seen enough, and she finally blows Orson’s wad. Eww. The big secret is that Orson had an affair with Monique! No shit. Really? Damn this show! Well, Bree is pisst. I guess there is someone out there who hadn’t put that together.

To prove that the gorgeous among us, can be equally deep and shallow, Gabby returns to scene of the tween corruption to talk to the ordinary girls, ever more ordinary mothers. These women immediately hate Gabby because she looks like Eva Longoria, while they look like a before picture on a very special episode of The View. Gabby apologizes but begs forgiveness because helping the girls vomit up their food and hate themselves for their genetic imperfections makes her feel whole. The mothers aren’t impressed, but Gabby lays it on pretty thick, by telling them that she envies them for having families and loved ones, while she has just her good looks and money. Please, no one is buying it, not even, I suspect, Eva Longoria. But she wins the mothers over, not by being honest, but by letting them know about a stash of illegal diet pills she can get sent over from Europe.

Meanwhile, Bree’s done some long, hard thinking and while she may look a bit tarnished, she thinks it’s time to say goodbye to her third husband in as many years. Bree is kicking Orson out of the house because of the affair. No, he didn’t cheat on Bree, he cheated on Alma, but Bree’s dusted off her old Spice Girls CD collection and realized that Girl Power totally rocks!

As Orson leaves he tells Bree that he loves her, leaving Bree with the parting shot: “I know. But it scares the hell out of me.” Hmm… funny if you had just come to this conclusion two weeks ago, Aunt Jackie wouldn’t have gone crazy, The Babe would be alive, Lynette wouldn’t have gotten shot and life in general on Wisteria Lane would be a lot better. Just something to think on, Bree…

The ep ends all man-hater on us (Rosie… did you have something to do with this too!?!?), with Mary Alice telling us that dangerous men walk among us. As she babbles Mike takes out his toolbox and decides to bury it in the woods. Because the lack of body mass has gone to his brain, Mike forgets that Ernie Shaft Hudson is hot on his tale (or maybe it’s the amnesia…), and Mike is arrested for the murder of Whorenique. Dude, if this guy can vanquish Slimer, what chance do you have? Someone pass the Ecto-Cooler!