Recap: Desperate Housewives: Desperate Measures

Desperate Housewives has really started to ramp up again. Sure, I am the first to admit that I have a full-on love/hate relationship with this show. But somehow, when it’s firing on all cylinders, it’s one of my favorite things on television. And it seems to me, that these last couple of weeks, things are starting to click. Maybe it’s Marcia Cross’ pregnancy or perhaps Nicolette Sheridan’s last corrective surgery went exceedingly well. Perhaps even, Teri Hatcher has decided to eat something. Who knows what it is, but for this lowly recapper, I hope that it continues. That, of course, doesn’t mean that I will stop the incessant mocking of this show. No, no! It means the mocking must continue, and never, never cease. Bree does the first sensible thing since she invested in all those oversized housecoats (all the better to conceal your pregnancy with, my dear), and tells Orson about the bag of teeth she
found in Alma’s house. I expected this little bon mot to be concealed for weeks and week to finally come up during May Sweeps, perhaps at an important dinner party hosted by the Hodges. It’s all for naught however, since all Orson will admit to is finding these teeth “fishy.” Yes, that’s exactly how I would describe that bag of teeth I found in my ex-wives house: “fishy.” Fishy is a bad piece of salmon. Bag of teeth hidden in a floorboard is at least “curious.” Orson decides that he’ll slip them back into Alma’s house, lickity split, and no one will be the wiser. Then Bree can go to the police. This pleases Bree, although it’s hard to tell because it’s nearly impossible to focus on anything other than Marcia Cross’ huge mommy knockers. Once Bree leaves, Orson calls his mother and informs her that he knows what she and Alma are up to. Orson, buddy, I saw the rest of this episode and believe me; you have no idea what they are up to.

It seems that Ian’s comatose wife, Jane, has taken a turn for the worse, but Ian isn’t really up to date on Jane’s malady because he’s been out romping with SkeleHatcher. Currently, as part of their little indecent proposal, Ian is introducing Mike to his new lawyer. Ian will let him take the case for one million dollars and a night with his wife. That’s the deal. Wait, no. That’s’ not right. Anyway, Susan flips out because Ian’s fancy lawyer might be high profile, but he doesn’t believe Mike is innocent. This simply will not do.

Back at Susan’s house, she and Ian get into a fight about finding the right lawyer for Mike. Ian flips his lid (or, since he’s playing a Brit, I suspect he flipped his tea kettle), about Susan’s obsession with Mike. SkeleHatcher can’t believe this. She’s told Ian millions of times that she loves him, what more can she do? Umm, I don’t know, how about, not make Ian spend thousands of dollars finding a lawyer for Mike? Just a thought. Regardless, it becomes quite clear that we’re supposed to believe that this lack of trust is more about Ian’s issues than the fact that Susan has nicknamed her new vibrator, The Plumber.

At the Scavo’s Lynette is trying to get ready for her first day back at work, while her slightly less evil, but doubly annoying son, is trying to convince her not to go back to work. Then Lynette does something pretty wacky, by telling Parker that he has learned his fine art of manipulation from his father. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tom Scavo is the master manipulator? Please, Lynette. You rule supreme from on High as the Queen of the land Manipulatoria.

Ahh it’s the return of Gabby and her Gaysian, Verne. I know, I know, in this age of Isaiah Washington, a term like “gaysian” may not be appropriate, but I use it as an adjective (he’s gay, he’s an Asian – he’s a gaysian! It’s kind of like Brangelina, except, you know, gay), where Washington uses his word of choice as a pointed slur with which to smite the entire world’s gay population. See the difference? No? Sorry. Anyway, they are at the Little Miss Soon To Be A Promiscuous Teenager With Self Esteem Issues Pageant where one of their mini-Gabbies has just one the whole shebang! Beaming with excitement Gabby runs into Zach Young, who apparently paid off the judges to have Gabby’s girl take it all. Gabby, somewhat unintentionally amusingly, pretends to be above such underhandedness.

Alma returns to her abode, to find Orson waiting (skulking?) for her. He informs her that her threats no longer have (pun alert!) teeth! She starts to cry, but Orson’s one cold hearted snake (look into his eyes), and just wants Alma gone daddy gone. A Paula Abdul reference and a Violent Femmes reference in the same sentence? Come on, that’s impressive.

Lynette is ready for her first day back on the job, but Tom, shocking, has gone and fucked something up again. Honestly, this guy is more inept than Curtis Manning, and that guy just got shot in the neck. Tom’s newly hired manager is donzo, so Tom needs Lynette’s help at a street fair. Lynette begrudgingly agrees, since there is no moral or ethical grey area she has yet to not fuck in the ass. As Ed, her boss picks her up; she dons her old sling and plays the old I’m still recovering from my bullet wound excuse, complete with pills and howls of pain. Ed, never being the brightest bulb, buys the whole thing, and gives Lynette another week off.

Back in the clink, Mike and Paul throw down once again, as it is proven that men fighting in prison is far less entertaining when it doesn’t involve the names Scofield or Burrows. It comes out that Paul set up the prison yard beat down of Mike Delfino so he would owe him a favor. Paul tells Mike about Zach, and that all he wants is a chance to see his son again. Snore.

Lynette tells Susan all about Gabby and Zach’s hot date, as well as, the fact that little Zach Young is now a bagillionaire. Susan is intrigued, and then heads over to Gabby’s house, talking sweetly about Zach, the kid who she shipped off to the mid-west and who burnt down her house. Susan wants Gabby to use her wiles to get Zach to pay for Mike’s new lawyer. Gabby can’t believe the balls on Susan, but admits they are smoother than Edie’s. Gabby wonders to Susan how many people she’s willing to sacrifice for Mike, a person she claims to have no more feelings for. The answer is apparently “one more” as Gabby agrees to do SkeleHatcher’s bidding. By the Power of Greyskull!

Gabby heads over to Zach’s pad, where he is practicing with his new band. I’m assuming that their name is Zach Young and the Helmet Heads, but I may be wrong. Gabby lays the plan out for Zach for a date in exchange for the money to hire Mike’s lawyer and to pay his bail. Wait, does this one involve sleeping with someone’s wife? Gabby and Zach argue (alright, it’s kind of cute) over the conditions of the date, but the bottom line is that it will end in a good night kiss.

Things are going like gangbusters at the Street Fair, since apparently the people neighboring Wisteria Lane have never eaten pizza before. Back at the house, however, Mrs. McClusky is trying to talk some sense into the still moping Kayla. There’s a knock at the door and it’s a concerned Ed, there to see Lynette. McClusky uses her intense sexuality to dupe Ed into thinking that Lynette is at the doctors. Kayla overhears this lie, and runs out to tell Ed that Lynette is working the street fair. Hmm, is it okay to call a 10 year old girl the C-Word? Let me know. Naturally, Ed runs into Lynette and promptly fires her sorry, lying ass. Lynette begs forgiveness, and Ed takes her back (yet somehow still gives her the rest of the week off).

Ian calls Susan in a panic, as he has just gotten word of the bad news about Jane’s prognosis. Ian is away on business, so he asks Susan to go to Jane’s bed so she won’t be alone when she dies. Wow, even though Jane is in a coma, this still seems uber-awkward.

Gabby and Zach return from their date, which much to Gabby’s surprise went rather well. She is having so much fun in fact that she forgets all about the good night kiss she promised Zach. Gabby innocently gets ready for the big one, when Zach takes this opportunity to, I don’t know, swallow her face. It’s pretty bad. They get into a tiff about his technique, when he claims that tons of girls have told him he was a great kisser. Gabby asks how much he had to pay them, to which Zach gets uncomfortable. Oooh, Zach enjoys him some ladies of the night!

When Susan gets to the hospital she is met by Jane’s best friend who is also sitting vigil. Wait. Then why did Susan have to rush down there. Isn’t it better for Jane to be with her best friend then the hussy who stole her husband? Just a thought. Anyway, Jane’s BFF is also something of a gossip, and lets it spill that Jane had an affair right before the coma, and Ian was never able to forgive her for it. Let me guess! She was cheating with… Monique! Oh, oh, oh. So that’s why Ian is so jealous of Mike! It makes perfect sense! Man that was about as subtle as a Wayans Brothers movie. Or as subtle as a joke about a Wayans Brothers movie.

Later, Ian calls Susan from the plane, and asks about Jane. Susan suspects that Jane won’t be around much longer, so she suggests that Ian say his goodbyes to Jane now. For a second, I thought that he was going to tell Susan, and she was going to relay the message to Jane’s comatose body. But instead Susan just puts the phone up to Jane’s ear, and the two are allowed to have a private, presumably sweet goodbye.

At the pizzeria, Lynette is beaming about how great the day went. She decides that she isn’t going to go back to work for Ed, but rather run the business together with Tom. I actually think this is a great idea. Well, in theory at least. It’s obvious that Tom and Lynette can’t work together (we already went that route in season 2), but for the show I think it could really help. Besides the high enjoyability factor of watching Lynette and Andrew squabble as manager and waiter, this will keep Lynette close to Wisteria Lane, and go a long way to keeping the ladies in each other’s lives. Also, I think any show can only benefit by having a central place to put the characters. I see a lot of coffee breaks with the ladies at Scavo Pizzeria. Well-played Marc Cherry.

Orson gets home, and we see Andrew on the Hodge family laptop. Is it wrong that my first instinct was to think that Andrew was checking out porn? Unfortunately he isn’t he’s just there to soak up some screen time, while Orson is duped into heading over to Alma’s house, with word from Grandma Sugarbaker of an Alma suicide attempt.

And here is where we note that the writers of this show have been watching a lot of Rescue Me during their hiatus. Orson heads to Alma’s and upon seeing her bloodied body, has a drink with his mother. Why, what would you do? Uh oh. It seems that the suicide attempt was a rouse and that Orson’s drink was spiked. With TWO kinds of drugs. One to put him down, and the other to get him up, if you know what I mean. Yes. Alma rapes Orson. Just like Sheila raped Tommy on Rescue Me. I mean, literally, just like it. I’ll let it slide, because hopefully there will be many happy returns on Wisteria Lane from this latest plot twist.

Gabby decides to go make nice with Zach. She explains to him that while they won’t be doing the vertical mambo anytime soon, she enjoyed spending time with Zach. As a friend. Gabby suggests that they are both set adrift on memory bliss (yes, PM DAWN), and could use each other to lean on. I won’t even begin to discuss the song about Gabby that Zach decides to strum. This, of course, felt a little forced to me (is Gabby REALLY that desperate for companionship? Sure Susan isn’t the best friend in the world but she’s got to have more in common with her than with Zach), but somehow it is the best plot line that Gabby has had all year.

Bree gets home and catches Andrew watching porn on the big screen TV in the living room. Okay, he wasn’t watching porn, but I assume the minute before he heard his mom’s car in the driveway, he was (What? It wasn’t so long ago that I was a 17 year old boy). Andrew lets Bree know that Orson is at Alma’s, and he’s been there for quite a while.

Bree heads over to Alma’s and finds Orson passed out in bed, and Alma in her little Red Teddy. Bree goes berserk, but once she realizes that waking Orson up is hopeless, she figures out what is going on. Alma raped Orson! Before Alma can respond, she gets a big, fat pregnant punch to the face from Bree, who calls Andrew to come over with the wheel barrel. Oh how I would’ve loved to see Orson wheeled through Wisteria Lane!

This next scene is presented by: NISSAN. Mike is back home thanks to Zach’s bail money. Mike thanks Zach for helping him, and tells him about Paul’s desire to see him. There is a tender moment in this scene somewhere, but dammit, I can’t find it.

Zach takes Mike’s advice and goes to see Paul in jail. Paul tries and tries to convince Zach that he loves him, which may be true, but what is even truer is that he needs a favorino from the flush with cash Zach. Hire a private investigator to find Felicia Tillman, because Paul is sure that she is still alive. Zach says no, which is the best decision he’s ever made (besides letting his hair grow out of course). Do we really need Paul out of jail or back on this show, for that matter? The bad decision was to take Gabby’s declaration of friendship and turn it into this obsession, that is conveyed by telling your father that you are in love with a beautiful woman with expensive tastes who you are going to marry.

Mike comes over to thank Susan for all her help. Susan accepts, but tells him that she can’t be friends with him anymore. Mike seems to accept, but that’s what I thought that Bradley Whitford on Studio 60 would do, but damn, isn’t he just creepy. Seriously. Ian gets home, and Susan and he embrace, somewhat convincingly.

The coda involves a toe tag that says Jane Hainsworth, as a dead body is being wheeled into the elevator. The body is, naturally, covered by a sheet. Is it crazy of me to wonder whether or not Jane is actually dead? I know we just played that game with Alma, but this is Desperate Housewives. Then again, I was totally wrongo about Alma injecting herself with some mystery serum that would slowly kill her (in fact she was pumping herself full of hormones in preparation for the rape). What do you think?