Recap: Desperate Housewives: Everybody Do The Falling Man!

So after a few weeks off, Desperate Housewives is back. Where I was somewhat disappointed with the last batch of fresh episodes (the return of Zach & Paul Young? Really?), this episode didn’t leave me wanting to manually tweeze out all of my pubic hairs. And that is certainly saying something. In fact, besides a dud of a Gabrielle subplot (getting saddled with Zach Young? Really?) and a continued lack of Wisteria Lane ladies lack of togetherness, this episode actually delivered on quite a few things, most notably the Monique Pollier murder. If you love your episodes Mike Delfino-centric or are a big fan of the latest trend in TV, falling to your doom, boy will you love this week. Find out more after the jump!
Mike Delfino is getting the whammy put on him by a therapist in hopes that he’ll remember what the f-bomb happened on the night of Monique Pollier’s death and why the ho had his number on her hand. He remembers vividly the night he visited Monique and her cameltoe. You see, just to hammer the point home that Monique is in fact a ho, the writers have her decked out in little boy undies and a cammie with a flowing silk robe. Oh, she’s also drunk and giving new meaning to the term “trying to give it away,” as she doesn’t everything short of deep throat a cucumber to get Mike’s engines purring. Mike respectfully declines, as he is seeing someone (it seems Susan also knows her way around a phallic vegetable). Monique admits that she too is seeing someone, but still quite randy. Mike takes a look at her plumbing (her OTHER plumbing) and notes that he’ll need a larger tool (his OTHER tool) to get the job (the OTHER job) done. Upon Mike’s return the door to Monique’s house of ill repute is ajar. Isn’t this some kind of warning sign for anyone? Has anyone, ever in the history of Wisteria Lane or any other television show for that matter, ever entered a house through a slightly open door to find something less than ominous? Earlier this season alone, Lynette stumbled upon her neighbor Art’s stash o’ kiddie porn by letting herself into his abode. Ignoring any Spidey sense, Mike enters the house, and sees a pair of latex gloved hands crouching under the island in the kitchen. Said hands belong to… WAKE UP TIME MIKE! Mike, for the first time makes this breakthrough, meaning that there was someone else in the house the night Monique died. Mike isn’t a killer! Hooray! A Clayface, for sure! But a killer? Nah.

One of my favorite television traditions is watching writers try to deal with the unexpected, yet painfully obvious pregnancies of their stars. Sometimes, they write the pregnancy into the
show. This tactic is currently being put on display to brilliant use on My Name Is Earl – where Joy is going to carry the baby of her sworn enemy, who it turns out, is really her half-black, half-sister, who can’t get pregnant because she wants to pursue a career in B.L.O.W. (Black Ladies of Wrestling). The tactic is also being used on Studio 60, but the less said about that show, the better. Other times, the writers will simply ignore the pregnancy and supply the actress with a series of large pillows to lie across their baby bulge. This to me is hilarious, because in instances like this, where Marcia Cross looks about ready to give birth to a litter of puppies, the lack of acknowledgement of the new zaftig figure is so obvious, it needs to be addressed. Maybe she’s been stressed out because of all the scheming going on, and she’s been eating those feelings with fresh baked pomegranate muffins and key lime tart squares. Anyway, Bree is pleading with Orson to go to the police and charge Alma with rape. Orson bounces back from the revelation he was raped, pretty quickly, and refuses to go to the police. He channels his buddy Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet and ominously tells Bree that it’s time he told her about the night Monique died.

In a nice moment, reminiscent of season 1, Susan is comparing dresses to wear to Ian’s wife Jane’s funeral, with the help of suddenly precocious again daughter, Julie. The dresses range from slutty to sluttier, which isn’t surprising considering who we’re dealing with here. What is surprising is that there is still no mention of Julie’s “broken heart” after cashing in her V-Card to Austin, only to find out that he was cheating on her with Danielle “Sloth” Van De Camp.

Is it just me, or has Gabrielle not had anything worthwhile to do all season? This week’s entry into “ehh”, is her shopping with new friend, Zach Young in… wait for it… wait for it… the home furnishings department of Macy’s. Are we expected to believe that former supermodel/The Real Housewives of Orange County runner-up Gabrielle “I secrete gold from my vagina” Solis buys her sheets at Macy’s? I don’t think so. What’s even more ridiculous than that, is the continuation of her “friendship” with Zach. Did I miss the meeting where people rallied together, and stormed the offices of Executive Producer Marc Cherry, demanding the return of Zach Young? Let go, people. Let go. Anyhow, the set-up here is that Gabrielle is turning the big 3-1 and is kind of depressed about being rich and beautiful. Oh no, she’s depressed about being rich, beautiful and alone. Poor thing. She’s so upset in fact that she doesn’t interact with one of her best friends/neighbors for the entire episode, and not a single person wishes her a happy birthday. On the unlikely meter, this ranks somewhere between Tara Reid’s Oscar chances and a Police Reunion Tour (err, scratch that last one). As she tries out a mattress, some hot stud approaches, who doesn’t realize that Gabrielle is literally tossing her panties at him. Apparently, the girl is not only, rich, beautiful and alone, she’s also hard-up for cock. The guy, who is so inconsequential, I’ll probably keep referring to him as the guy, finally backtracks, realizes that Gabrielle probably gets waxed everywhere, and scores her number. All is going well, until Zach shows up and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy works for Zach! He’s one of his lawyers! What a small world. I’m not sure but I think a jealous Zach may use this to his advantage sooner or later.

Meanwhile, Lynette is showing everyone who is boss, by intercepting a pre-dinner Ice Cream cone from entering the mouth of evil child spawn number 1. It seems Daddy Scavo is very susceptible to his children’s pleads. As Tom is walking into the house, Edie pops in to make a request of him: Austin has been totally bummed out about the whole break-up with Julie, so she needs Tom to give Austin a job.

Ugh, back to Zach. He heads over to Gabrielle’s to offer her some company on her birthday, but Gabrielle has plans for some dick instead. She’s going out with the guy for dinner, much to Zach’s dismay.

Orson heads over to Alma’s house to let his ex-wife and mother know that he’s come clean to Bree about what went on at Monique’s the night of her murder. This effectively eliminates the leverage that Alma and Grandma Sugarbaker had over him, although we don’t know exactly what that leverage was. It’s also becoming clear that the real mastermind, and evil warlord is Grandma Sugarbaker, where it seems that Alma is just a very, very disturbed pawn. Best line of the night, by the way, was Orson to his mother: “Hats off mother for colluding in my rape. I’m so glad we can still surprise each other.”

As the Scavo restaurant is gearing up for its grand opening, we get yet another taste of the comic delight that will be Andrew vs. Lynette. Sample of things to come:

Lynette: “I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your mom’s. Now does this look Bree Hodge clean to you?”
Andrew: “No, this looks Andrew Van De Camp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge.”

Brilliant. In addition to Andrew and Lynette’s snaptastic banter, we get to see Austin, smoking some weed out back with the delivery guy. You know what’s even worse than having to watch Austin speak, breathe, walk or display a modicum of emotion? Seeing him play stoned, which by the way, he chalks up to his depression over losing Julie Mayer. Lynette’s icy heart does not grow three sizes and she fires him.

Dude, Where’s My Talent?

Over at the House that Crazy built, Alma is starting to freak out about the fact that despite raping and possibly carrying Orson’s baby, Dr. Giggles still wants nothing to do with her. Poor Alma. She really does love Orson. With Alma’s realization that Orson will never love her because of Bree (or Tammy Tightass, as Alma colorfully referred to the new Ms. Hodge), she thinks that her best bet is to just go to the police. Grandma Sugarbaker ain’t havin’ it, however. She promises that she’ll get Orson to come around (isn’t drugging and raping pretty scraping the bottom of the options barrel?), but Alma no longer believes the lies she spews.

This is Alma when she’s angry. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

Grandma Sugarbaker, has a plan in action that she needs to share with Alma. But it’s upstairs. In the attic. Alma blindly follows her, and yes, gets herself locked in the attic, by the treacherous Grandma Sugarbaker. No, I can’t believe she fell for it either. Hasn’t she ever read a V.C. Andrews book?

At Jane’s funeral, Susan is trying to keep a low-profile, but is having a rather difficult time, since she’s wearing one of Blossom Russo old hats. She spies one of Jane’s dear friends offering to cook Ian a home cooked meal. Umm, I think she means a ho cooked meal! Oh snap! Well I can’t blame this lady because, you know, there is no such aphrodisiac as your best friend’s funeral. Susan notes this, and tries to keep her mouth shut, but I think we know that’s about as likely as Susan Mayer not wearing a Blossom Russo hat to a funeral. Needless to say, later on at the funeral, she again overhears said skank talking over her plans for Ian domination with another friend and can’t help but mention that she is Ian’s girlfriend.

“Don’t know about the future/That’s anybody’s guess/Ain’t no good reason for getting all depressed…”

When Lynette arrives at the staff meeting at the pizza place, she is beyond shocked that Austin is there. Wait, didn’t she fire Duckface, for getting high on the job? She did, but Tom hired him back, and this causes a bit of a scuffle in front of the staff. Tom brings the meeting of the minds into the back, and he explains to Lynette that there was a reason he hired Austin back: He’s a grade A hottie! Tom was informed by one of the waitresses that Austin will bring in a lot of business due to his “good looks.” Boy, can I relate. Let’s just say there was a reason I was a greeter at American Eagle Outfitters, when I worked there. Lynette, begrudgingly sees the logic in this, but Tom needs to continue laying down the law. He realizes that when he gets home, Lynette runs the show, and he checks his balls at the door. The real shocker here is that Tom has any balls to check. But now, he needs Lynette to check her bigger, brassier balls at the door when she is working at the restaurant. Tom’s the boss. No, Angela’s the boss. But that’s a different story. To make sure they drive this point home, they have a staged fight in front of the staff, so Tom’s authority is firmly replanted.

Gabrielle’s date is going well, I suppose, although this guy, for all his good looks wouldn’t know a slutty innuendo if it slapped him in the face. And Gabrielle, is doing everything, BUT slapping him in the face with them. But it seems he is good looking enough, and she is hard up enough to forgive him this trespass. Just as he is making a painful effort to flirt back (I think he’s gonna start banging his chest and hurling his feces at her), there is a knock on the door. It’s one of this guy’s co-workers asking him to sign some papers. This guy thinks it’s strange, but signs them only to find a note from his employer Zach Young, telling him that if he sleeps with Gabrielle he’ll get fired. Snore. This all culminates in Gabrielle not taking no for an answer, until this guy (at Zach’s urging), tells Gabrielle that she’s too old for him. She kicks him out. Again, snore. Later on, Zach comes in to save the day with a gift for a very drunk Gabrielle. They cuddle on the couch, as she passes out in his arms, and we’re supposed to think it’s sweet and not really creepy that he opts not to caress her arm.

At the funeral, Jane’s skanky friend, heads up to the podium to deliver a “eulogy” for her dear friend Jane. Instead of honoring Jane though, she takes that opportunity to out Ian and Susan relationship. Wow, Jane must’ve been a real ax wound to have friends like this. To try to avoid the outing, Susan tries sneaking out, but gets tangled in an old man’s oxygen tank! All together now: Oh Susan!

Susan makes it out of the wake, so she hides out downstairs in the mortician’s office, with two dead bodies, until Ian finds her. He, of course, finds her antics beguiling, and almost proposes to Susan, until she stops him. Apparently, a proposal in Vada Sultonfuss’ favorite hang out is less than romantic.

Outside the Hodge house there is a ladder with a little pouch dangling from its upper rung. Bree spies this and, assuming it’s the much sought after bag ‘o teeth, heads up the ladder. Does she stop to wonder why the bag ‘o teeth is hanging from the ladder? No. She just heads straight up the ladder without a care in the world, until she steps on a faulty rung (which had been sawed in half), and falls to the cement. Andrew and Orson are quick to the scene, and Orson discovers that the bag is full of marbles.

At the hospital, Bree has had a concussion, but Andrew is suddenly quite suspicious of his step-dad. He warns the nurse against letting Orson see his mother, because he assumes that Orson is the one who orchestrated Bree’s “accident”.

Back at the hypnotherapist’s (what no analrapist on Wisteria Lane?), Mike has a breakthrough in his memory, and sees that the gloved hands at Monique Pollier’s house belong to none other than Orson Hodge! As a matter of fact, Orson is the one who handed Mike’s wrench back to him that night (the same wrench that killed Monique). So now Mike’s looking for some vengeance – Plumber style!

Mike catches up with Orson in the hospital parking lot, and the chase is on. My favorite part is the majesty with which Orson leapt from car hood to car hood like some kind of warped version of Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video, trying to escape from Mike.

Then a scuffle begins, with Orson proving to be scrappier than you’d think. However, his balance is only so-so, for after he pushes Mike off him, he falls off the side of the Parking garage. We don’t see him go splat, and we don’t know how high up he was, but the episode ends here.

So let me get this straight: Last season when Mike recognized Orson at the dentist office, it was from this night at Monique’s house, NOT from prison (remember Orson said he used to do some prison dental work?). And this is why Orson ran Mike over with his car? Right? It’s a little convoluted, but I’m not immediately annoyed by these revelations. How about you?