Recap: Desperate Housewives: Holiday Hardships on Wisteria Lane

In the immortal 80′s classic Fame, Montgomery McNeil asks: “Never being happy isn’t the same as being unhappy. Is it?” Well, Montgomery, I don’t know the answer to that particular plight, but I wonder about a similar predicament. Is being wrong and not being right the same thing? Because by all accounts, my theory that Art, the friendly neighborhood Michael Jackson, isn’t the pedophile Lynette claims he is, has been blown out of the water in the last five minutes of the episode when he admits to Lynette that he has urges. And not the kind of urges that I have everytime I see Kim Smith or a bag of Oreo cookies. I mean yucky urges. In the same breath, he admits to never acting on these urges towards his swim kids because of his sickly sister. So, then, technically, he’s NOT a pedophile YET. Right? So I’m not wrong! Look, I’ve only been wrong three times in my life: one involved a High School girlfriend, another involved a 1992 Ford Taurus and the third, a promising young actress named Leelee Sobieski (she seemed so cute at the time!), so I’m not ready to be wrong here also. Although I guess, lurking with the intent to pedophile is as bad as BEING a pedophile, but I’ll let semantics favor on my side.

Find out what else after the jump!It’s a very Merry Christmas on Wisteria Lane. Bells will be ringing, snow flakes will fall and all that. Problemo though, apparently, whoever was heading up the Annual Wisteria Lane Christmas Holiday Block Party (we know they got rid of the Black people on their block, but no Jewish families?) planning committee, forgot to cross off Art The Pedophile on the Invite list (this would have NEVER happened to Angela at Dunder-Mifflin). It must’ve looked something like this:

Wrap Presents for Kids – check
Buy 6 gallons of Eggnog – check
Decorate Town Nativity Scene – check
Disinvite Neighborhood Pedophile –

Let me tell you I made the same mistake at the TVgasm Christmas party last year, when I remembered to bring the beer and Spinach Dip Bread Bowl, but also brought the guys from Television Without Pity. Talk about Awkward!

Anyway, the Christmas party seems to be going off without a hitch. That is until Art and his wheelchair bound sister, Tiny Timette, come to the party dressed as Santa Claus and his elf, respectively. Nothing creepier than a handsy Santa Claus, believe me, I spent years in therapy finding that out. The party “crashers” cause the Christmas Block Party to come to a halt faster than Michael Richards raises his hand at a Klan meeting. Rim Shot!

We get a glimpse of the Wisteria Lane-ites busting out there Christmas stuff (which I myself will be doing tonight for my parents in what I consider the worst night of the entire year, just behind Halloween and slightly above the Daytime Emmys – don’t get me started on Susan Lucci!). But I must admit that I chuckle that slutty Edie is the one who pulls out the Baby Jesus from her box of “Winter Crap.” You know how Jesus loathes those Trannies!

Next stop is Susan’s house, where she is playing coy with some mistletoe and her British love, Ian. Now, it’s time for some kind of informal poll, as I honestly wonder if anyone actually uses
mistletoe, or if it’s just one of those things that only television characters use. Kind of like those sheets that perfectly cover both a man’s genitals and a woman’s boobies. Or the way every twentysomething character on television has wacky parents that they hate. Anyway, Ian has more than some tongue and over the shirt action in store for Susan. His parents, presumably British and stuffy, are coming into town! Susan’s excited to meet Ian’s parents, because couldn’t you just imagine how much they will LOOOOVE her. Probably as much as Ian’s butler, Jeeves, which is not at all. To help that matter along, Ian wants Susan to cook dinner for his parents, as a “Welcome to America – I’m boning your rich son” gesture. Susan is noticeably concerned, as she is “hilariously inept” when it comes to cooking. Or walking. Or properly raising a child. Ian endlessly pleads with her even though Susan clearly doesn’t want to do this. In fact he sounds like any number of sixteen year old high school boys talking to their girlfriends. Susan, of course caves, and has sex with him after Winter Pep Rally under the bleechers. I mean promises to cook for his parents. Same diff.

At Gabby’s new project, she and her Gaysian are checking out there pre-teen beauty pageant prospects, which are looking pretty grim. Gabby is really only interest in Pretty Girl (a better recapper would’ve caught her name; a better recapper I am not), however, Pretty Girl’s best friend is Awkward Girl, who they need to cut lose.

Bree is feeling the spirit of forgiveness. Or stupidity, I can’t remember. Either way, she informs Grandma Sugarbaker (who is inexplicably still living with her, even though, she kicked Orson out), that she is considering taking Orson back. Bree realizes that it might not be a good choice, but she can’t help it she loves her bad boys. Besides good choices said bye bye to Bree around the same time as feeling left her forehead. Seriously, looking at that thing. It never moves!

Lynette is in her car, when she gets a tap-tap-tap on the trunk, from Tiny Timette. She’s apparently, very angry with Lynette for accusing her brother, Art, of being a Pedophile. Some people are SOOOO overprotective! This is where Lynette’s guilty conscience begins, which I don’t understand completely. Lynette feebly defends her decision to warn the town about Art, because if something happened to someone’s kid, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself, which I completely agree with. Yet, Tiny Timette brings up the point that her brother is a swimming coach, and he’s proud of his swimmers, and that’s why he has their pictures posted on his walls. She says that if Lynette would turn that pride into something as ugly and disturbing as pedophilia, then there is something truly wrong with her. And yet, I find myself completely agreeing with Tiny Timette! Who knew this show could incite so many complex emotions. Usually it is just disdain, and deeper disdain.

Bree and Susan have a little girl talk over Gingerbread Houses, with Susan asking Bree if she’ll cook the meal that Susan is “making” for Ian’s parents. Bree says yes, since she could use the distraction and because she has vowed ever since Crazy Pharmacist guy, that whenever possible, she will try to help prevent a murder. And we all know that Susan’s food KILLS! Jokes about people who can’t cook are so rarel funny. In other news, Bree tells Susan about kicking Dr. Giggles out.

Over at the Dude Ranch, Carlos is trying to enjoy some breakfast while Edie is berating Mike for stupidly burying his tool box last week. Edie really wanted to use his wrench, if you know what I mean. Basically, to stop Edie from screeching, Ernie Shaft Hudson shows up and arrests Mike for the murder of Monique the Whore.

Gabby and Verne head over to meet with Awkward Girl’s father to tell him his girl is getting dropped for having the worst handicap possible: Ugliness. Gabby couldn’t care less that the girl’s mother just died, sh’es got to go. What she does care about is the fact that Awkward Girl’s dad is what the foreign princess AC Slater dated while working as a lifeguard at the Malibu Sands might call a real American beefcake. Hmm, her dead mother must’ve been one big uggo. This of course leads to Gabby finagling her way into teaching Awkward Girl private lessons instead of dropping her from the Beauty Pageant.

Now reason 5,343 why I love Edie and her ball sack. She heads to the holding cell where Mike is being kept, and breaks up with him. She hasn’t been “in” this relationship and needs to end it. Timing’s a bitch, huh?

Enter Susan, who, shockingly, has the opposite reaction to Mike’s plight. She is sympathetic, and if I’m not mistaken, a little aroused by his prison jumpsuit. She’s going to do whatever she can to help him.

At Awkward Girl’s house, Gabby is putting the moves on Hottie Dad, while pretending to coach his daughter on the art of baton twirling. However, I find it’s hard to train someone in anything, if they are outside working away, and you are inside giving their father a hand job. Unfortunately, I have lots of experience in this arena, since I was once a street whore crack addict. TVgasm literally saved my life.

Susan goes home to tell Ian about her meeting with Mike. Ian, planting the seeds of their inevitable break-up, is green with jealousy. Susan claims Mike’s just a friend, but Ian is British, not stupid, so he’s not buying what SkeleHatcher is selling. Unless she is selling tea and crumpets in which case he’s way on board.

At the long gestating Poker party at Bree’s house, the girls are trying to enjoy a nice game of cards, when Susan and Bree start to get into it, defending their respective boyfriends. Bree is ready to take Orson back, because with Mike behind bars, it is obvious that Orson didn’t kill Monique and that he is totally a stand-up guy. Err, did we forget that he cheated on his wife, and lied to you about it? Susan, naturally, defends Mike’s honor. This is all while Gabby and Lynette are trying to sway the conversation on to more pleasant topics: “Anyone have a yeast infection?” Gabby wonders.

Bree cites the blood on the wrench and Mike’s criminal past; Susan plays the “Monique’s teeth were pulled and Orson is a crazy dentist” card – which is a little used, but wonderfully effective card to play. I used it myself yesterday when my mom wanted me to pick her up from work. It confused her into submission. Score One – Umnata. Susan leaves the table, and Bree refuses to cook Ian’s parents’ dinner. Very mature ladies. When they think Susan has left, she actually stays behind and Veronica Marses around the house for “a necklace made of teeth” but finds the keys to Orson’s office (where he is staying) instead.

Lynette, meanwhile, heads over to a Simpsons mob rehearsal, as the mommies of Wisteria Lane and its surrounding neighborhoods are getting ready for a protest in front of Art’s house. . My issue here isn’t that these women are being pro-active in there uniform revulsion of what Lynette is claiming Art is, it’s more that I’m annoyed by Lynette’s response to the other mothers’ response to her news. What did she think was going to happen? I mean, she just seems so shocked that these women are being so fierce in protecting their own children, just as Lynette was last week, when she all but kicked down Art’s door looking for Parker (which we know she could – R.I.P. – The Babe and R.I.P. The Babe’s door). Sure, she’s probably starting to have some “doubts” about her accusations of Art – you know, since there wasn’t any “proof” – but again, I ask, what did she think was going to happen when you scream Pedophile in a crowd of mothers. It’s like screaming “Free Booze” at Danny DeVito. Thisngs are going to get messy and instead of vomitting on Elisabeth Hassleback, these ladies are attacking the Pedophile in town. Granted these ladies are a little over the top – I mean, I was waiting for someone to get all Crucible on our asses. “I saw Goody Proctor with a little boy!!!” But there reaction isn’t all that surprising.

Susan has headed over to Orson’s office looking for evidence against him. This search and convict mission is cut short, however, by Orson entering his office, and Susan hiding in a closet. Sniff, sniff. I smell antics. No such luck, however. As Susan is hiding, Bree comes in and she gets a whole new sob story to lap up from her husband: He never loved Alma, he was pushed into the marriage by his mother, Bree and Monique were the only women he ever loved, blah, blah, blah. Well, good enough for Bree! Let’s go home and make some Wasp love! At the very same time, Susan, has found a box labeled: “Orson’s dastardly plots” in which she discovers – gasp! – that Orson was a good student in school! Oh, and he was also once committed to a mental institution.

Meanwhile, Gabby is informed that Awkward Girl, daughter of Hottie Dad (keep up people!), is well aware of Gabby’s intentions towards her father. But Awkward Girl wants nothing to do with it. As luck would have it, Awkward Girl and Pretty Girl are total BFFs, and both have single parents. It’s Awkward Girl’s plan to have her Hottie Dad marry Pretty Girl’s Single Mom, so they can be sister for realz. Tricky plan, Awkward Girl. Thank goodness you’ve got the brains, since you don’t have the looks. However, in many ways Gabby is the complete package: looks, brains and no moral compass. She sets a plan in motion to turn Awkward Girl and Pretty Girl against one another, and since they are like 11 it works like a charm. Congratulations Gabby, you have broken up two tween best friends all in the name of cock. I can’t tell if the writers want me to like Gabby in spite of the fact that she does these sorts of things, or because she does these sorts of things. Either way, it’s not working.

Susan, now late for dinner with Ian’s parents, rushes home with some Fried Chicken. As far as first impressions go… Ian is rightfully pisst off that Susan missed dinner, even though his parents were unable to make it anyway. Susan thinks she’s off the hook, but Ian is angry that she would rather snoop around to help Mike than fulfill her promise to cook dinner for his parents. I got to say, I side with Ian on this one, especially after Susan’s half-hearted apology (she was more interested in letting Ian know that Orson used to be in the Nuthouse – which proves, what exactly?). When Ian doesn’t immediately leap for joy that Susan is sorry, she bitchily says: “I already said I was sorry.” Yeah, but was that enough? As the groundwork for an inevitable break-up continues to be laid, Ian says that he will get Mike the best lawyer in town, if Susan promises to stay away from Mike. This is meant to make us dislike Ian, which it succeeds in, but I suddenly realize that a) this is a huge about-face for Ian, who is such a likable character and b) I don’t care. The second that Ian forbids Susan from seeing Mike, the writing is on the wall for the end of this couple. Sadly, Ian can’t see any writing; not the writing on the wall, nor the writing on Dougray Scott’s contract. I say 3 more episodes max. Susan, readily agrees to stay away from Mike (unlikely since he lives across the street and we’re meant to believe that both of these stick figures are meant to be), in exchange for Mike’s freedom. So is this technically blackmail? Or is Susan just a prostitute (exchanging sex for services). I wonder…

The protest in front of Art’s house turns into a full-on riot, and Lynette is feeling some major guilt about this. I don’t know if it’s because she no longer believes her accusations of Art or what, but she tries to implore the crowd to leave her new neighbors alone. Man, the Young house ain’t got nothing on the Amityville Horror, huh? Soon, an ambulance pulls up and Tiny Timette is wheeled away. Apparently, the disease she has, really gets exacerbated when a mob of people are trying to lynch her brother. She gets taken to the hospital as Art is being pelted with rocks. Lynette manages to make it to Art in time to apologize.

At Bree’s house (how are none of the other ladies – two of whom have kids – involved in this Wisteria Lane pedophile mumbo jumbo?), Orson and Bree have come back together to make a Voltron-like super-Republican couple, and elect to kick Grandma Sugarbaker to the curb. Of course there are more threats of exposed secrets, but this time Orson informs his mother, that he will come clean with her secrets if she decides to divulge his.

Lynette finds out that Tiny Timette died after being taken to the hospital, so she goes over to Art’s house to pay her condolences. She even brings a copy of The Little Rascals and a Michael Jackson CD to, you know, cheer him up. Art isn’t very receptive to Lynette’s apology at first, but then ends up thanking her. And here is where things take a turn for the uber-creepy. Art thanks her for freeing him of his meddling sister. You see, he always had “urges” but never acted on them, since he knew what it would do to his sister. Now that she’s gone, he doesn’t have to behave himself anymore. He’s very vague about the whole thing, but it’s clear what he’s talking about. It’s one of the best scenes of the entire season. When Art tells Lynette that unleashing him is all thanks to her and to “take care of her beautiful family,” it’s truly chilling. In trying to protect everyone, she actually let this monster loose, and now he’s going to be out there, God knows where, doing God knows what to God knows who. Way to go, Lynette. Sleep tight.

After getting a mysterious phone call, Grandma Sugarbaker heads outside to meet someone in a car. It’s a very alive, very together and very pisst off Alma, wanting to know EVERYTHING about her husband’s new family.

So that’s it for 2006. The show doesn’t come back until January – so that’s plenty of time to think about Alma, Monique and what the hell ever happened to The Babe’s daughter, Kayla. See you in the New Year.