Desperate Housewives: See No Evil, Except Katherine

This week’s Desperate Housewives brings more intrigue, action, drama, sex, and the kind of bawdy antics we’ve come to expect. But most importantly we get to see some really deep cleaning.

We open with Orson visiting Mike at rehab. Orson is sweating his shriveled, hairless balls off since Mike invited him there for something “important”. Orson fears that Mike is going to confront him about the time he ran Mike over with his car, causing debilitating pain and chronic back problems, which led to his ultimate addiction to pain killers.

When Orson enters the room he is morose, but not in the shaky, angry way that Mike is. Orson prepares himself for a good old fashioned catfight until Mike pulls the rug out from under him by admitting that he invited him there for step 6, making amends (Step 5 being simple blood letting and the ritualistic sacrifice of a chicken). When Orson leaves, he is relieved that Mike is still blind to Orson’s misdeeds and actually holds his angular, pointy head up high for having pulled one over on arguably the smartest man on Wisteria Lane. Arguably.

Oh, man am I in trouble.

Speaking of blind, Carlos is dealing with his soap poisoning well, having learned that he can rely on his friends and neighbors to help him with simple tasks such as going to the bank or gay bashing trannies. The only one not loving the ability to stare at his junk with repercussions is Gaby, who is feeling the burden of having a disabled husband. Carlos isn’t helping with his constant whining about the abundance of carrots in his soup or his inability to see That’s So Raven’s rack. To get a break from the inane pissing and moaning about not being able to see, Gaby leaves Carlos at home to fend for himself amongst the spilled marbles, open knife drawer and water boiling on the stove while she meets the ladies for lunch.

“It says here in USA Today that blind jackasses are the number one cause of divorce.”

Here’s to the ladies who lunch: consisting of all four core chicas, as well as Katherine and Edie for some reason having lunch at Lynette and Tom’s ristorante. Bree makes the announcement that the annual Founders Award Banquet is coming up again where she will, as always, be presenting the award to the person who did the most for the community this year. Unfortunately, tornadoes are not eligible for the competition. Since her husband recently abandoned her, Katherine needs a project to keep her busy and Bree’s banquet sounds like just the thing in which to horn. All of the ladies cringe remembering the great pie-off of eighty eight but Bree assures them that recent tragedies, namely Julie’s new bangs, have helped her put things in perspective.

Edie, it’s lunch, not a speeding ticket.

When Lynette steps away from the tables to bring them fresh plates of crickets and stem cells she runs into her one-time almost affair, Rick. He has just returned from Italy where he was studying under several top chefs to perfect his meat pies. Rick became so good that he returned from boring old Italy to Wisteriavilleburghemshire to open his very own Italian restaurant just down the street from Tom and Lynette’s. Neither of them is too keen on the idea, especially since Rick has the audacity of a Republican when he starts handing out business cards.

“Rick, Sex Machine? Is that appropriate for a family restaurant?”

Later that night, Susan descends her stairs to steal the last piece of pie before Julie sees it. When she enters the kitchen, she sees Orson sitting on her bar stool stark raving naked and muttering about something he was supposed to do. Susan gets all Susan and flees in a panic but not before she glances and says, “whoa, is that what they’re supposed to look like? Why is Mike’s so mangled?”

“WOW! Are you sitting on a baby elephant?”

At the Scavo household, Lynette is reading Better Wigs and Headscarves when Tom finally comes in, three hours past when she expected him. Lynette asks Tom if he’s upset about Rick coming back into their lives, street and business affairs, but Tom insists that he is perfectly fine with the man who almost bedded his wife now competing with his business. Tom is going to take it as a challenge and even if he loses his wife, he is determined to not lose his pizza joint.

Who wouldn’t want to hit it?

The next morning Susan is furiously scrubbing Orson’s flat ass prints off of her bar stool when he enters the room. Susan tries to confront Orson about this since she’s able to look him in the eyes now, however Orson has no memory of being in the kitchen last night. Bree comes in and Orson tells his loving wife about Susan’s fantasy. Bree assumes that Susan dreamed up the whole scene since she’s in that horny phase of pregnancy and Orson is one pasty piece of near-man meat.

“Of course you want to have sex with my husband. Nothing gets a woman wet like argyle.”

Downtown, Gaby is trudging to the Price Warehouse to purchase groceries since she is poor now and certainly can’t cut back on necessities like frizz-ease or Trim Spa, lest she go back to her former self.

Gaby runs into Lynette at the discount grocery store and immediately begins to question why there are no valet parking attendants or Evian spritzers available. Lynette mentions that one must sacrifice amenities such as those in order to receive 50 gallons of Ragu for a $1.39. Gaby happens to notice the abundance of underutilized handicapped parking spots, after she parked in the rape section, and suddenly realizes that having a blind husband may have some perks after all.

Meanwhile Bree and Katherine are going over details for the banquet and trying to out passive aggress each other. Bree pulls out her great big scrapbook of photos from previous galas to show off her previous work, only to have Katherine pull out an even great bigger scrapbook of photos from previous better galas. Bree’s face pinches up even more than usual.

“Just don’t look under the tab that says “Dead Husbands.”

Up in Dylan’s room Julie is trying to shade her forehead with blush to bring the focus back to her lantern-jaw when Dylan comes in with cookies. After the girls are hopped up on chocolate, they take a break from their underwear-tickle fight to talk about the upcoming banquet. Julie has been in the girl’s rose court every year since her penis fell off and would really like Dylan to stop obsessing about the fact that her mother may or may not have killed her father, get gussied up in a pretty dress and shake her thick, shiny, lustrous hair down. Dylan agrees to join Julie at the party and says she will start trying to prove her mother is a murderer on Monday, “the same day my diet starts,” as she downs 7 more cookies.

Do you really need those cookies, Julie? Remember, a moment on the lips a lifetime on the chin, cheeks and forehead.

At the Scavo household, Lynette answers the door to find 2 policemen on her doorstep. Lynette immediately thinks that her kids mugged and molested another old lady but the police tell her that they are simply there to ask if Lynette or Tom saw anyone toss a brick through Rick’s restaurant window the previous night. Lynette says she was not at work that night, as she was teaching her kids to pick pockets, and Tom flat-out lies to the police and says that he was home by 8 PM and couldn’t have seen anything since the vandalism didn’t happen until nearly 11. The police thank them for their time and leave, and before Lynette can question Tom as to why he lied to a state official, Tom scurries out of the house to take care of some business.

“Brick? I don’t even know what a brick is. I saw the movie Brick but that was about the kid from Third Rock. That was a good show. You don’t see much of Newman these days. Brick, you say? Nope. Nope. Never heard of it. Is it hot in here?”

Gaby is back at the Price Warehouse and this time she has brought along Carlos’ handicapped sticker so that she can park right by the door. As Gaby loads her car with bird feed and 3 copies of Under Siege 2 she is approached by a man in a wheelchair asking her why she is parked in a spot reserved for the handicapable, like cripples and gays such as him self.

Gaby says that since her husband is blind she has every right to park there so he should take a long roll off a short pier. The man and Gaby begin to argue as he sends another of his disabled brethren to call the police. Gaby knows that if another ticket means another blow job and she is not in the mood, so she grabs the man’s wheel chair and shoves him down the aisle of the parking lot before speeding off like a bat out of Hades.

More proof that Latinas are evil

Lynette comes to the restaurant to confront Tom about his lie to the police in front of their children. Their children! Tom finally comes clean and says that did indeed toss a brick through Tom’s window because he simply couldn’t face the fact that Lynette was drawn to the idea of a smoky, heterosexual stranger. Lynette tries to remind Tom that nothing happened between her and Rick and Tom reminds her that he’s not angry at Rick for trying, anyone in their right mind would (?), but he’s angry because Rick makes him feel like less of a man. The dainty little apron Tom wears when serving quiche doesn’t help either.

“Wait a minute: my husband is a mincing little queer and Rick was in freakin’ Iron Eagle. Why am I even questioning this?”

Later that night Susan is dozing on the sofa when she hears her front door open. Hoping for another desperate rapist, Susan goes to investigate only to find Orson standing naked on her front lawn. Susan confronts Orson, telling him that he is obviously crazy or a liar before he begins to ramble on apologizing to Mike.

Susan realizes that he’s sleep walking and having seen several Donald Duck cartoons on the subject, remembers that it’s best to not startle a sleep walker as they could die. Instead, she hauls back and slaps him across the face. Orson comes to and suddenly realizes that he’s nude, he’s outside and most frightening of all he’s naked in front of Susan. Orson remembers how that previous desperate rapist had screamed while trying to leave, so Orson runs away into the house.

“Seriously, Mike’s is like this. And it’s bright orange.”

Considering her recent discovery that the disabled can be vicious and bitchy about their personal spaces, Gaby decides to take Carlos with her on some errands as insurance against the gimpy and disgruntled. She takes Carlos to the post office, the bank, the pharmacy, the dude ranch and eventually the manicurist and tells him to wait in the car each time.

When Gaby exits from getting her nails pierced and sharpened, she finds Carlos missing from the car. She runs frantically down the street to find him, only to see him exiting the diner with the help of a strapping young lad whose Boy Scout training finally paid off. Gaby is leading Carlos back to the car when a couple of octogenarians, probably Susan’s nephews, pull up and ask Gaby if she is leaving so they can have the handicapped space.

Carlos attempts to cat-call passersby, but fails miserably. “Hey baby, shake that smell!”

Carlos is furious that Gaby would use him for better parking, and more furious when he smells her freshly painted nails. Gaby finally tells Carlos that having a blind husband stinks, especially when she is so hot, and getting better parking was the only good thing that came out of it. That and the fact that she could have sex with a gardener right in front of him now if she wanted to. Gaby tells Carlos that it’s been very hard on her but she will try to not be such a bitch about it moving forward. Yes and the sun will try not to rise.

It’s Gala time and Bree and Katherine are busy finalizing details in their softer side of Sears gowns. Katherine has been slowly taking over every aspect of the event, from the flowers, to the music to the menu, insisting that she taste everything before it exits the kitchen. Bree is slowly turning Dark Phoenix but is controlling her fiery red-haired temper in a most elegant, waspy way.

When Bree enters the kitchen a cook informs her that the refrigerator broke and the dip has gone sour. Shortly after, one of the Wisteria Lane board members enters to inform Bree that Katherine will be presenting the annual community service award this year since Bree has already done so much and Katherine had the foresight to sleep with 9 of the 10 board members. As Bree begins to throw away the spoiled dip, Katherine enters and demands to taste it to assure it’s up to her high standards. Of course Bree lets her, conveniently forgetting to mention to fact that it’s poison. The little pimentos in the shape of a skull and cross bones should have tipped her off.

“Mm, is that feet?”

After everyone arrives, Bree puts her best face forward, the special events model, to welcome the guests to the banquet hall. Lynette and Gaby applaud Bree for working with Katherine all week without killing her, just as Katherine rushes by in a mad dash to prey to the porcelain God. Bree enters the bathroom to find Katherine vomiting, and not even on purpose. Bree tries to convince her to go home and rest, telling Katherine that she will be more than happy to present the award since no one wants to accept an award from someone that looks like a heroine addict.

Katherine refuses to leave, saying that she has to be there to present the award. Bree is angry, but later we see why Katherine was so determined to stay. When Katherine stumbles to the podium to present the award, she graciously presents the award to Bree for her tireless work in the community, killing her pharmacist, abandoning her son, and going to rehab. Things like that. When Bree approaches the podium to accept, Katherine hugs her and whispers in her ear, “And you tried to poison me.”

“I’d like to thank my plastic surgeon, my aesthetician, my vaginal rejuvenator, my magician….Oh gosh, who am I forgetting?”

During Bree’s acceptance speech, Lynette receives a frantic call from Andrew. He tells her that Rick’s restaurant is on fire and he’s scared because this is his only scene this week. Lynette tells Andrew that she’ll call him right back as she looks over at Tom convinced that he moved on from simple vandalism to full-on arson and will catch up to her kids in felonies within the week at this pace.

“Lynette, be honest with me. Am I going to be killed off in this fire?”

After the ceremony, Bree finds Katherine to pull her into a photo opportunity. Before taking a picture with Bree, Katherine feels she must clear the air and figure out why Bree tried to kill her. Bree tells Katherine that within her group of friends everyone has a role to play. Gaby is the glamorous one, Susan is the adorable one, Lynette is the smart one and Bree didn’t know how to deal with someone usurping her role in the……wait! Susan’s the adorable one?! Do they know what that word means? Anyway, Katherine tells Bree that their similarities should bring her and Bree closer, not drive them apart because they truly understand each other in a way none of the other women, even the *gulp* adorable one never can.

Well I guess if I kind of squint and lean back and if I were drunk I…..no. No, way. Never. I just can’t as a respected journalist.

Julie, Dylan, Bree and Katherine all scrunch in for a picture for the local paper with Bree and Katherine smiling at each other, and Dylan hugging her mom and trying to forget that she may be a murderer.

Later Julie comes home past curfew after going to a biker bar and dancing suggestively near a pinball machine since it worked for Jodie Foster, but Julie once again struck out. When she enters she sees Orson sitting on the stairs, this time thankfully wearing pajamas. As Julie begins to plead with Orson not to tell her mom that she came home late, Orson once again begins to ramble on about how sorry he is. Julie heard about Orson’s tendency to sleep walk so she gently attempts to mount him while he’s not fully conscious. Before she can get some she overhears Orson say, “I’m sorry I ran you over Mike,” which stops her dead in her tracks.

“I know I’m wearing a white dress now, but I don’t intend to on my wedding day if you get my drift. Wait, where are you going?”

As Mary Alice begins to ramble on about something or other, we see Bree and Katherine smiling at each other from across the street, Lynette peering at Tom suspiciously around a corner, Julie peering at Orson suspiciously around a corner, and Carlos peering cross-eyed at a cabinet door just before he walks into it. Most importantly we see a mystery man retrieving the paper from his front doorstep and immediately turning to the Style page to see a picture of Katherine and Dylan at the banquet. The man uses a Sharpie to mysteriously circle the picture of Dylan in a most mysterious manner.

Sharpie, Stalk Out Loud

Well what did you think? For the most part it just left me confused. I know adorable is suggestive, but come on! Maybe they meant “adornable” like a musty old pine tree. Leave a comment, won’t you?