Desperate Housewives: Suicide is Painless . . . Unlike This Episode

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan finally finds out about Bree, so you can check that off your list. Lynette sues Carlos over her job and it all ends up bitch-slapping her back in the face. Danny tries to kill himself Bell Jar style. Katherine jumps over the edge of sanity so far that I don’t think she’ll ever be able to come back. And everyone decides they need a little self-defense, Bobby Hill-style.

Mary Alice blahs about the person we didn’t care about last week who got strangled at The Coffee Cup. Her name was Emily. And yeah, she died, so the people of Fairview may want to go somewhere else to get their morning lattes. How about The Mugs With Hot Beverages Inside? Or The 10% Recycled Materials Paper Cup With Biodegradable Sleeve? Both popular choices.

Apparently, everyone in town knew Emily. Really? That must be why we’ve never seen her or heard of her before. Also, everything is in slo-mo right now, I’m not sure why. Also, the killer’s returned to the scene of the crime, but we don’t get to see his/her face. But we do know that a.) he/she likes Wintergreen gum, and B.) he/she likes to throw said gum wrappers on the ground. Dammit! Strangling someone to death I can understand, but littering?! Uncalled for! Is the gum a clue, or just a MacGuffin? We’ll never know . . . or care. Credits.

It’s time for the “weekly poker game.” What is this, season 1? But the ladies aren’t there to talk about poker or yeast infections this week. They’re all, “How can we protect ourselves?” And some lady, who none of us have ever seen before, literally says, “Down at the hospital, where I work, there’s a self-defense class. Maybe we should consider taking that?” Um, who the hell do you think you are, little Ms. Sad Blue Cardigan Who Works Down At the Hospital? Nuh-uh — we don’t need no Jenny-Come-Latelies on this show. Bitch. And why would a self-defense class be at a freaking hospital? Doesn’t Fairview have a community center?

Murderer!!

Bree pulls a gun out of her purse and says a .38 special is all she needs. Yeah, me too — I’m already hating this episode so much that I’d like to put myself out of my misery, please. Bree asks Susan if she wants to touch the gun, but Susan still has bad memories of shooting Katherinsane. Really? Cuz if it were me, Suze, I’d just want to grab that gun and finish the job. When Julie comes in, Susan asks her if she wants to take the self-defense class too, and Julie’s all, Yeah when I got strangled I was taking out the trash, the dude came from behind, and I just totally passed out, so good luck with that shit. Dang. Way to suck the fun out of the room, Jules. Somewhere, Debbie Downer is like, “Yikes, too much, Julie Mayer. My cat has feline AIDS.” Wah wah waaaaaaahhhh.

Over at the Scavo household, Tom is sewing a costume for Penny, and he also got a bottle of brandy for Lynette to give to Carlos to butter him up because of the whole pregnancy-lie thing. Oh no, Lynette says, Carlos is a nice guy and won’t care and she’s way too valuable at the company. I’m sure that statement won’t blow up in her face. Sure enough — Cut to: The office, where everyone is throwing Lynette a Smell Ya Later party.

And the Emmy for the Best Performance by an Under Five goes to….

Carlos says that he’s already given her position to some other guy, so she can either move to Florida or quit. In fact, Lynette doesn’t even have an office anymore — Carlos gave that to the other guy, and moved Lynette’s stuff to the supply closet. Yup. Just like that episode of The Office two weeks ago. Interesting. It may be just coincidental, but it certainly made this part of the episode less funny. And THAT is an accomplishment.

Back at Susan’s, Julie’s in bed all bummed out because she’s alive. Susan tells Julie that maybe she should tell Emily’s family about Nick, but Julie still thinks Nick is not responsible, and then drops the bomb that Nick wanted to get back together with her. Susan’s not happy with the fact that she raised a home wrecker.

Can we just tell people that he was married to you first? Cuz that would totally make it ok.

At the Bolen household, there’s a news broadcast about the strangling. I’m sure the newscaster was all, “And there’s been yet ANOTHER murder in Fairview. Why does anyone choose to live here? Frankly, I’m scared for my life. I mean, Watts or Detroit or hell, even East St. Louis is looking pretty good right now, right? This city sucks.”

Nick tells Angie that he was at the coffee shop that night and was there when Emily was closing up, and was probably her last customer. Nick wants to move, but Angie says that she has friends and a job in Fairview and doesn’t want to give that up. Yeah, I wouldn’t count on Bree as a friend, Angie. Chances are, she’s going to blackmail you in another episode or two so you might just want to count your losses and leave.

Meanwhile, Bree goes to a crack house. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. She knocks on the door of someone’s apartment, and sure enough: He’s black. Hey, African-American people who are trying to break into acting — Marc Cherry wants you to know that if you want to play a maid or a criminal, there will always be a place for you on Desperate Housewives! Turns out, this dude (Lamar), knew Orson in prison. Bree tries to arrange a meeting with him and Orson (you know, so she can take a picture of it, prove that Orson is hanging out with a felon, and then get all the stuff in the divorce). Since, in Bree’s world, money=love, and bribery=affection, she convinces him to come over for cocoa and deception. That rhymed. Which was not my intent, but it is certainly a bonus.

I also rap and have a giant penis.

Karl comes over to Julie and Susan’s to give Julie some ice cream to help her get over the strangling. Nothing heals the emotional and physical wounds of almost dying like Fudgie the Whale! But Julie says that she’s still scared to drive around, so Karl offers to switch cars with her, which will most likely cause hilarious hi-jinks later on. Well, semi-hilarious at the very least.

Katherinsane is sitting on her porch, probably thinking something crazy, like, “my hair won’t stop insulting me” or “Marc Cherry has really given my character depth and pathos this year. God bless that man.” Li’l M.J. comes up and asks her what’s wrong. Oh, Li’l M.J. — can open, worms everywhere. Katherine says she’s had a hard day and it’s all about “grown-up relationship stuff that [he] wouldn’t understand.” But as he turns around, she tells him to come back. No, M.J. run! Run home and take care of your pet bunny before Katherine steals it and boils it to death!

Back at his house, M.J.’s getting ready for a friend’s birthday party, and he tells Mike that he’s worried about Katherine because she’s “not getting any younger and it’s hard to meet men in this town.” He goes on to say that Katherine told him that Susan stole Mike and that Susan’s a bad person. Ooooh, Mike not happy. He goes over to talk to Katherine and tells her that she’s never seen him get angry, but if she wants to, “just talk to my son one more time and you’ll see what I’m really made of.” Katherine tries to apologize, but Mike’s like, “One more time.” I’m glad Mike put his foot down. Now if he could only put his hand down. On my crotch!

Katherine told me long live Allah. What is that?

Remember when Karl borrowed Julie’s car and I said that hilarious hi-jinks would ensue? Well get ready, because Susan spies Julie’s car parked at a motel. Oh, dip. Susan pulls in. Over at the library, Julie’s reading a book, entitled, “Women Who Love Married Men Who Love Strangling: A Tale of Survival and Stupidity. But Mostly Stupidity.” Her phone vibrates, and Susan’s on the other end — Julie tells her she’s at the library, (reading Pride and Prejudice, I can see that now), “diving into an old favorite.” Susan: “And vice versa, I’m sure.” Hee! But kind of gross since she’s taking to her kid. There’s actually a really funny phone exchange between the two, in which Susan’s talking about sex with Nick and Julie thinks she’s talking about the library — really, you should see it to appreciate it. Not the whole episode, per se, just this scene.

Inside the motel, Bree’s having second thoughts about blackmailing Orson and taking away his freedom. Well, to be perfectly honest you stone-cold bitch, you should be! Susan asks the maid what room her “redheaded daughter” is in (hee), and then just as Bree and Karl make out and start to do it, Susan spies them through the window. Oh shit! But yay. I was hoping they wouldn’t drag that sucker out over the whole season.

I’m sorry, but is there a black maid I can talk to?

Back at Carlos’s office, Gabby’s over to see Carlos. On her way to the restroom, she spies Lynette in her new office, and Lynette takes this opportunity to get Gabby to talk to Carlos about her situation. But Gabby’s all, So I wasn’t enough of a friend for you to trust me with your secret but now I’m the only friend who can fix it? Word. When did Gabby become the voice of reason on this show? That’s terrifying.

Back at the coffee shop, Porter (!), Danny (!!), and Ana (!!!) discuss how their beloved friend Emily has gone on to that big coffee grinder in the sky. Julie comes up and says she didn’t know her, but Ana says that Julie would have liked Emily. Because she was also a girl who had to practically raise her insane mother and then grew up to have affairs with skeezy guys with weird arms? Well, that and she was “nice,” according to Ana. Also, I just googled the twins who play Porter and Preston, because I wanted make sure they were over 18 (they’re 20) before I made this next statement: Yeah, I’d totally hit that.

Anyway, Ana asks Danny if he’s ready for a ride (um, so Ana has a car now? WTF, Cherry?), but he wants to stay behind and talk to Julie, and creepily/nonchalantly ask her if she wants to go to Emily’s funeral with him. Weird. Julie tells Danny she can’t hang out with him because it’s “complicated,” and Danny’s like, “It’s because you slept with my dad, right?” But Danny says he still wants to go out with her, and “be with her,” but Julie’s like, That’s “weird . . . and never gonna happen.” Danny goes over to a bench to sit down and sulk, and I’m totes waiting for him to take out a stick of Winterfresh, but he never does.

Back at the Bolen’s, Angie stares out of her window and says that she’s spent half her life looking out windows. And the other half looking in them, probably. Profound. Then Nick lets it slip that he called someone last week (Agent Padilla), and Angie’s like, So now they know we’re alive? Danny enters while they’re fighting, and Angie lets it slip that she “killed a man.” Huh. So much for a subtle reveal. Danny looks like he’s fed up with all of this and depressed. Or constipated. Either way — more fiber, dude.

Carlos and Gabby are in bed, and Gabby says she can’t get “that image of Lynette” out of her head.

Oh, god, you mean this one?! Me either!! Aaaaa!

Ah, wait, she means the image of Lynette in that little supply closet. Well, that’s not quite as bad. Carlos says that in a couple days she’ll probably be ready to move anyway. Gabby wonders if Carlos is being too mean, but Carlos says that Lynette brought it upon herself. Gabby says that maybe it’s time to forgive Lynette for the sake of their friendship.

Except that Tom and Lynette are in bed too, and Lynette tells him that she was so pissed about what happened with Gabby that she’s suing them, and Carlos will be served papers tomorrow. Tom gets excited, but Lynette tells him that they’re “not having angry sex.” Oh, please, like Lynette’s capable of having any other kind of sex.

And now back at Angie’s house, she goes into Danny’s room, where he’s asleep on his bed. She asks him to put away some clothes, but I don’t think he can hear her. Given that he, you know, swallowed a whole bottle of pills. Or maybe they were just vitamin c chewables, but my money’s on the first one. As Big Fun sings: Teenage suicide – don’t do it!

Hey!! Now I have to go buy new Fish Oil pills. You’re skin is gonna look amazing when you wake up.

It’s time for the women’s self-defense class, and Bree runs in late. Susan says something about how “it must be hard managing all those affairs.” And you guys, I was really, really confused about this because somehow, I skipped like 12 minutes of the show and didn’t know that Susan had found out about Karl and Bree. Needless to say, I figured all of this out, but honestly, I was shouting at my screen, “Wait, what?! Susan knows about Bree and Karl?! When the hell did that happen?! What the eff, Cherry!?” But it’s all good now. Anyway, after about 10 seconds of introduction, with no instruction or examples whatsoever, the instructor apparently thinks they’re ready to pair off and start. McCluskey and Gabby pair up, and so do Bree and Susan. Uh-ohsies. McCluskey flips Gabby over on her back (which would have been funny if no one was expecting that, but we all totally were). Susan takes the opportunity of the choke hold to tell Bree that she knows about Karl, and how could Bree do that blah blah blah and then they switch and Bree choke-holds Susan and is all Karl means a lot to me blah blah blah. Neither of them defend themselves properly. Bottom line? These bitches gon’ drop when they get choked by The Strangler.

Stay right there! You’re hiding my waddle!

Tom’s getting out the Christmas decorations and discussing the suing of Carlos with Lynette, when Gabby comes over with presents to make up for what happened the other day, and to tell them that she and Carlos want to bury the hatchet. Which would be awesome except for the fact that some dude is getting out of his car to serve Carlos his subpoena. Lynette desperately tries to call Carlos to distract him, but it’s too late — Carlos got served, y’all! He then calls Gabby and tells her about what’s going on, and then Gabby gets pretty furious, and throws the various presents to people she passes. Hee.

Back in her little office-hole, Lynette gets a visit from Carlos, who brought a company lawyer, as well as an impossible task: He wants Lynette to itemize the company’s purchases and expenses for the last year. Lynette says that it’s at least 2 days work, but Carlos says she can work through the night. But wait! It’s Penny’s Christmas pageant tonight! Oh, please, Lynette, she’s the one kid you don’t love, so what’s the big deal? Also, it’s close enough to Christmas for a pageant but no one has decorations or a tree up yet? Lame.

It’s like Cinderella, but Cinderella’s a biatch hag and the Stepmother’s hot and Latin and RIGHT.

Susan’s called Karl and Bree over for a little debate about their affair. Susan says that she feels she needs to give Bree all the facts about Karl: He forgot her 30th birthday, spent their 10th anniversary at a strip club, and he wanted a threeway for his 35th birthday. Those all sound reasonable to me. Bree says she knows who Karl was and still sometimes is, but she believes he can change, and shouldn’t you stand by someone when you “love” them? So, yeah, Bree loves Karl, and Susan gives them her blessing.

But I reserve the right to take him back.

Lynette says goodbye to her family as they leave for Penny’s pageant and she settles in for a fun night of itemizing, but Lynette changes her mind at the last minute and runs to catch up to them. Lynette, Penny’s just an angel in the pageant. Believe me, you can skip it.

At the hospital, Mrs. Sad Cardigan Who Works At the Hospital is telling Nick and Angie that Danny has to be under observation for 72 hours. Nick apologizes to Angie and then they reminisce about November 10th, 1991 when they went to a diner and then met up with some people and then 8 hours later they ceased to exist. Angie says that Nick didn’t have to run, but he says he’d do anything for the two of them. Which includes having sex with the neighbor’s daughter. Awwww, so committed.

At Lynette’s “office” the next morning, Lynette tells Carlos that she needs one more hour to finish the project. Unfortunately, Carlos put on his Pissy Pants this morning instead of his Supportive Slacks and tells Lynette that he needed them at 9am, and if she hadn’t have gone to the pageant, she could have been done by now. He then fires her because she didn’t finish the project on time (the lawyer guy is there to validate this comment). What an a-hole. Lynette says she’s not going to go quietly, and Carlos is all, “I don’t care. I just want you to go.” You know, maybe if Carlos had done this shirt-less I’d be willing to forgive him, but since he’s completely dressed in a suit, there’s no excuse for this assholery. No excuse, Carlos!

Back at the hospital, Mrs. Sad Cardigan Who Works At the Hospital (her name’s Mona, I guess, but it doesn’t matter cuz I’m willing to bet she never shows her mug on this show again), tells a just-woken up Danny that she’ll look after him. But Danny tells Mona that his name’s “not Danny, my name’s Tyler.” Interesting.

Don’t worry hon. I gelled your hair for you while you were sleeping. And your skin looks amazing!

Mike pulls up to Li’l M.J.’s friend’s party to pick him up, but one of the moms tells him that Katherine already came to get him. WTF Katherine!? Mike drives off and runs into Katherine’s house to find M.J. sitting at a table with Katherine (and a big knife) getting ready to serve him a snack. Um, Katherine? I know you’re the craziest person ever on this show (and believe me, topping not only the entire Young family but also Betty Applewhite, that lady who shot up the supermarket, the pedophile, and Orson’s first wife and mother-in-law in the crazy department is a MAJOR accomplishment), but I would think that M.J. probably had something to eat at the party. Katherine proves AGAIN how certifiably insane she is by telling Mike how Li’i M.J. deserves to know what his mother did. And Mike is like, I never cared about you, every time I was with you, every time I kissed and held you, all I could think about is how I wished you were Susan. Damn! Harsh! But — Completely deserved. Katherine holds the knife to her chest, all, “You mean it? Then please kill me.” Mike, dude, hand me the knife. I’ll do it! Mike grabs the knife and throws it on the table — “I don’t care enough about you to kill you.” Again, harsh! But he has a good point.

Mary Alice blahs about defending ourselves from those who want to hurt us, while Lynette wonders about what to do now, while Bree stares at Lamar and Orson who are talking in her driveway and wonders whether blackmail is the right thing to do. Go with what you know, Bree. And then Katherinsane dials 911 and tells the dispatcher that she needs an ambulance right away because she’s loosing a lot of blood. And then, yeah, she stabs herself. I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but I kind of hope she dies. Kind of REALLY hope.

How many times does a guy need to be accused of murder before he learns to wipe his fingerprints off weapons?

Next week: It’s what you’ve been waiting for all year — the plane crash, bitches! Who will live? Who will die? (Please let it be Katherine). Who will care? I will. Marginally.