Desperate Housewives: Sunday, Bloody Sunday

I know there has been a lot of backlash against Desperate Housewives but for those naysayers, the show is back and it’s just as good as ever. Bree is still Martha Stewart on heroin, Lynette is still a badass, Gaby is still a skank and Susan is……well Susan tries.

As we open we see Katherine looking longingly through her window mourning the loss of another husband. This one wasn’t murdered gruesomely, rather ran out on Katherine for being such a C U Next Tuesday. Katherine suddenly flashes back to her first husband and all of the times he would smack her upside the head when she would step out of line. Rather than be appreciative of his thoughtful reminders of when dinner should be on the table, Katherine is resentful of the abuse.

Spousal abuse is nothing to make fun of. But her face sure is.

Katherine’s misty water-colored memories are interrupted when our favorite ladies all drop by bearing gifts. Bree has muffins, Susan has jam, and Gaby and Lynette have hoochie shorts and headscarves, respectively. Katherine thanks the ladies for dropping by but tells them that they obviously want nothing more than information and gossip so they can take their sugary sweets and hit the bricks making sure that the doorknob doesn’t hit Gaby in the back of the head on the way out. Before Bree leaves she tells Katherine that she’s surprised that Adam is the one who left since she knows about the affair that he had with the dead, crazy lady in Chicago (before she was dead but while she was crazy). Katherine once again dismisses Bree and offers up no additional information before slamming the door in Bree’s stiff, puckered face.

Later Katherine goes for a walk in the woods and finds a makeshift grave marker where someone is buried and I’m assuming it’s not the family parakeet. She had that thing burned alive when it started blabbing her secrets. I’m assuming this is someone who was gruesomely murdered.

Here lies a dude that messed with the wrong bitch. He will be sadly missed.

It’s Sunday on Wisteria Lane and everyone is off to church except Lynette, who is busy sacrificing another gopher to Satan. Suddenly Lynette gets struck by the Holy Spirit and announces to her family that they should go to church, most likely as to not arouse suspicion when the neighborhood kids start disappearing again. Tom hates the idea since there’s a big game on and straight men like big games. One of Lynette’s ginger kids pipes up and says that he already knows that Jesus is the guy that helps Santa. This misinformation urges Tom and Lynette to get the kids ready and take them to church since everyone knows that Jesus and Santa haven’t spoken since their fallout on their FOX reality show, The Not Real Life.

“You know I’ve been straight since I left L.A. Straight guys like watching the big game. We eat of the beef and we look at the bosoms. Church is for homos.”

Bree is determined to be crowned the head of the ladies auxiliary since she assumes this means she will get to carry a gun. Before Lynette can leave for church Lynette approaches and asks Bree and Orson if she can come to church with them. Bree is thrilled that Lynette chose to follow the Presbyterian life, which consists of ice cream socials, silent auctions and country clubs. Way less shady than living like a Catholic, which is all about being on your knees.

Gaby comes to church, once again an hour late and a rosary short for mass. As the other Latin, Italian and Irish worshipers file out, Gaby corners the priest and asks him for a favor. She tells him that she is getting married to Carlos and would like the priest to perform the ceremony. Thy priest is confused since Gaby’s husband just died less than two weeks ago and he’s pretty sure that he already married Gaby and Carlos once. Gaby promises to start being a good Christian starting tomorrow if he’ll just stop the Inquisition and agree to marry them. The priest reluctantly agrees knowing that Gaby’s soul would be a big get for God.

Hope you enjoyed your vacation, Alexandra and Lori. I had to watch Crowned because of you.

At Wistera Presbyterian Church and International House of Pancakes, the reverend is giving his sermon about God’s love and how it punishes the gays and Jews, when Lynette raises her hand with a question. Bree is embarrassed when Lynette asks why bad things happen to pretty people like: her cancer, her tornado and her getting shot. The reverend mentions “free will” but Lynette pushes it and is advised to come to bible study where the annoying members of the flock are herded to ask annoying questions like “when are we getting out of here” and “what are those thumb screws for?”

“Yea, I’ve seen movies where a bunch of kids are taken in by a singing nun. How might one get into something like that?”

Susan is going through her receipts with her accountant who just happens to be her smokin’-hot-Smallville-cast-off-cousin. It seems her cousin Tim recently lost his job for having sex with his boss’s 18-year-old daughter and he was unfortunate enough to work in one of those stuffy accounting firms where that kind of thing is frowned upon.

The conversation is interrupted when Katherine and Dylan stop by to apologize for Katherine being such a grade A beyotch once again. Tim recognizes the two from when they all previously lived on Wisteria lane before they had the good sense to get the hell out. Tim is also surprised by how tall, lean, supple and nubile Dylan has become only one week before her eighteenth birthday. Susan senses trouble and frantically shoos Dylan off to Julie’s room where no one is ever in trouble of having sex. No one. Ever. No one ever.

“I was actually voted homecoming king at accountant school.”

Edie enters Carlos’ hospital room, obviously fresh from a formal cocktail party. Carlos immediately recognizes Edie, despite being blind, by the smell of her perfume as well as the scary choir music and smell of sulfur. Edie tries to remain civil, telling Carlos that she wanted to return the diamond bracelet that he gave her since she’s partly to blame for him losing his money in the tornado.

Carlos tells Edie “thanks” but the Cartier box that he put it in is probably worth more than that cheap glass bracelet. Edie furiously leaves, but before she exits warns Carlos that she spat on one of his Jell-o cubes, blew a snot rocket into his soup and rubbed his juice box on her crotch.

What’s that song, again? Devil in a green pantsuit? Devil in a yellow cardigan?

Edie stops at the nurse’s desk to ask when Carlos will be able to see again because she wants to express her feelings through hand gestures and mooning. The nurse is hesitant to give any information but lets it slip that Carlos’ condition may be permanent. Edie realizes there is more to this story so she asks the nurse out to lunch at the local pet store to seduce information out of her.

“As lovely as puppy heart chowder sounds, I’m very happy with my PB&J.”

In Julie’s room, the land that sex forgot, Dylan shows Julie the paper, written by her recently deceased Aunt Lily, that she found. The letter states that Dylan’s dad was gruesomely murdered. Julie tries to Scully her by saying that her aunt Lily was pretty hopped up on drugs, mostly crystal meth and crank, before she died so she was probably delusional. Dylan thinks that the note is not only true but more importantly thinks that Katherine is the one who gruesomely killed her father.

“No the giant forehead is still there but I have bangs now. I’m deceptively acceptable looking now.”

Gaby arrives at Carlos’ room and announces that she has a surprise for him. Carlos is thrilled and begins to roll over and pull down his pajama bottoms when Gaby stops him, saying that she has the priest with her. She wants to quickly snag Carlos while he’s still blind so that he doesn’t see the chin acne she recently developed. Before they continue, Carlos feels he should tell Gaby the whole truth about the extent of his injuries and the fact that he may never see again.

When he mentions that he may be blind for longer than expected, Gaby pulls her hand away from him and gasps. Carlos quickly covers and says that it could be as much as three months. Gaby isn’t shallow so she tells Carlos that she will stand by him and describe every episode of Hannah Montana because that’s what a devoted wife does. The happy couple continue with their vows and get married in the hospital bed just like Shirley Feeney that one time.

Gaby can’t wait to really let herself go now, including the option to stop tucking it between her legs every morning.

At the Meyer house Tim notices that Susan is out of milk and offers to go get some. Susan warns Tim that the last person to run to the grocery store for her was held prisoner by Aunt Jackie and then Lynette was shot, but he goes anyway since Aunt Jackie was hot. Susan peers out the window and sees Tim stopping to talk to Dylan while she’s riding by on her big wheel. Susan rushes out and screams for Tim to hurry since she’s feening for calcium big time, once again successfully cock blocking Tim because “if Momma ain’t getting’ none, ain’t nobody gettin’ none.”

“It says here that ‘parents should lead by example.’ Can you believe that shit?”

While Lynette is reading her new bible, which she just found laying around a hotel room for free, Bree approaches. Bree tells Lynette that she was embarrassed by Lynette’s incessant questions at Sunday services and thinks that Lynette is better suited for a Unitarian church where anything goes. She hears they actually encourage questions there, as well as sodomy.

“It says here ‘honor thy father and mother.’ Can you believe that shit?”

Adam arrives at the Bachelor Arms to find a message from Dylan waiting on his 1980s era answering machine about the partial note that she found in the fireplace. Adam immediately calls Katherine, who rushes to the room to listen to the message since words can’t be conveyed over a telephone. She advises Adam to invite Dylan over and tell her anything but the truth since that’s not scheduled to come out until the end of May.

Before Katherine leaves she tells Adam that lying and scheming with Adam to keep the truth away from her daughter made her think of old times and the fun that they used to have screwing with her daughter. Adam tells Katherine that he will lie to Dylan one more time but after that he is done and will never see her again before lifting his shirt and saying “take a good look because it’s the last time you’re going to see these.”

“Adam, dear, put your shirt down. You’re hairier and flatter than Susan.”

Tim is dutifully pouring over Susan’s receipts, trying to find a way to deduct goat placenta injections, when Bree and Orson leave for the museum to see the new dried squid exhibit. Tim has the house to himself and immediately picks up the phone and makes a booty call saying he has the house to himself and raging morning wood and she better hurry before he pees and it goes away.

If you saw her other two kids, you would know that this one is my only shot at a normal child.

Edie approaches Gaby to gloat about the fact that all of Edie’s husbands have had all five senses except for that one who couldn’t smell but that really worked in her favor. When Edie spills the dishy dirt that Carlos’ condition is permanent, Gaby is reticent to believe Edie since Edie is prone to lying to get her way. In fairness, so is everyone that Gaby knows. Edie encourages Gaby to call the doctor herself if she doesn’t believe it.

“I’m just saying, he wasn’t blind when I was with him. He was hypoglycemic and had crippling night terrors though.”

Susan and Julie are visiting Mike in rehab and hearing all the stories about his projectile vomiting and debilitating seizures when he started coming down off the junk. Susan remembers that Tim had a question for Mike about their taxes, most likely why Mike has a secret bank account labeled “flee in the night fund,” so she calls Tim to ask. When Tim answers Susan hears a girlish giggle in the background and knows that Tim is not alone and more importantly not alone on her new sheets. Susan rushes out of the rehab, leaving her daughter alone in a facility full of drunken, coked-out ne’er do wells that haven’t seen a woman in months. Luckily it’s Julie so she’ll be fine.

“I actually prefer being locked up. Here I just have to close my eyes and take it. At home I have to close my eyes and give it.”

When Susan gets home she rushes to the guest room hoping to catch her cousin Tim in flagrante del-ick-to with Dylan. Much to her surprise Susan catches Tim in the throws of menopausal passion with that vampy cougar Katherine. It seems Tim is into the vast spectrum of ladies from 18-80 causing Susan to wonder if he’s a first cousin or second and what the jail time for that might be. Tim apologizes for banging Susan’s neighbor but says that he simply ran into her on the street corner, no doubt where she was working, and they started talking about old times (talkies and looms and such) when one thing led to another.

Susan catches the subtle turn of phrase and wonders exactly what old times they had to discuss since they had only met each other once when Tim was 16 and stayed with Susan before he went to band camp. Yes, that’s right, 16. And yes, that’s right, band camp. Katherine not only enjoys using dead husbands as fertilizer but also enjoys deflowering young boys. She has quite the green thumb.

The Lifetime Original Movie: Ashton and Demi: Life in the Cougar’s Den

Gaby has brought Carlos home from the hospital with the intention of messing with him, because nothing’s funnier than screwing with the disabled. Gaby has some dog food in the crock-pot and ladles in some dirty dishwater when Carlos comes in hungry for dinner. She tells him that she wants him to bang her in the kitchen since she’s already wearing slutty lingerie and whore heels. When Carlos starts to walk toward her she lowers the door of the oven and watches Carlos trip, then leads him into a wall and pushes a chair in front of him causing him to fall flat on his stupid, blind face.

When he starts to get the sneaking suspicion that Gaby is not actually wearing slutty lingerie she confesses that she talked to the doctor and found out that his blindness is permanent. Gaby begins throwing fruit at Carlos for lying to her but he finally confesses that he simply didn’t tell her because he was afraid that she would leave him since he’s not only poor but also blind and Gaby isn’t into either of those things. Gaby realizes he’s right but hugs Carlos anyway while promising to stand by her man for richer for blinder. Carlos kisses Gaby and asks if he can have some of that delicious stew that she was cooking.

Next she’s going to hand him a butcher knife and tell him it’s a Q-Tip.

It’s Sunday again and Bree and Orson are back at church without Lynette. The reverend pastor head holy guy asks Bree is her friend will be coming back again since he particularly enjoyed her enthusiasm the previous week. Bree assures the reverend that Lynette will be along shortly before she makes a mad dash to the church down the street to retrieve Lynette from the clutches of Catholicism.

Bree arrives at the Catholic church just as Lynette’s kids are being taken away by the priest to learn about the second coming and gift of tongues. Bree pulls Lynette outside and confesses that her reverend was impressed that Bree brought a new family to church which can only help her run for head of the ladies auxiliary. Lynette tells Bree that she initially went to her because Bree had faith, even during the bad times, and Lynette was looking for real answers as to why she survived cancer and the tornado when so many others didn’t. Bree feels horrible but Lynette leaves her to rejoin the congregation just in time for the wine shots and free crackers.

“You took a vow of what?!”

After services Lynette is cleaning up residual tornado debris when Bree walks up to apologize. She tells Lynette that she gave up her chance to head the ladies auxiliary when she realized that that bitch Edna Fletcher deserved it more. Bree goes on to say that she’s sorry for questioning Lynette’s motives in asking questions about faith and really wants Lynette to have faith in their friendship. The two share a bony hug and make amends.

“Thanks for helping me get this stick out.”

Susan confronts Tim later about his previous relationship with Katherine back when he was 16 and boned up about band camp. He tells her that it only happened one time before Katherine told him that his Chee-toh breath and skid-marked underpants weren’t a turn on to her any longer. Tim had popped an altoid and changed into fresh underoos before attempting to bring Katherine flowers the night before he left Wisteria Lane but stopped in his tracks when he heard fighting coming from Katherine’s house.

When he looked in the window he saw Katherine arguing with a man before she picked up a candlestick and hit him over the head with it. 16-year-old Tim was only there for another 4-minute sex session and realized that Katherine was much too much of a woman for him to handle so he hauled ass off of her porch and never spoke to her again until yesterday. Susan asks if Tim recognized the man and he says that it looked like Katherine’s ex-husband who no one has seen in years.

What Tim didn’t mention is that the entire time he watched this scene he was masturbating furiously.

Back at Adam’s hotel room Dylan is telling him about the repressed memories that she can’t recall. She’s says that the paper she found confirmed so many of her fears and answered so many questions and is angry when Adam simply says that Aunt Lily was out of her mind when she wrote that note. Adam tells Dylan that it’s crazy to think that her mother could ever kill anyone who wasn’t a drifter. Dylan begins to cry and sinks into Adam’s arms and Adam smirks having once again screwed with this girl’s pretty little head.

“Thanks for coming by but the service said they were sending a redhead.”

Well what did you think? There has to be more to this Katherine story that we haven’t heard yet. I have a feeling that Susan is going to get involved now and will probably fall down somewhere. Good times!