Tell Me No Secrets….

I gotta tell you I can’t wait for February to start. Not because I like February, I hate it actually. It’s cold and miserable and there’s nothing going on. It’s basically just a long build up until March, in which St. Paddies day comes and I am complete again. No, the only thing that makes February worthwhile is because it is sweeps. The magical time when all the shows are new and they pull out all the stops in order to get the highest ratings they can. That can hopefully pull Desperate Housewives out of the funk its been in lately. This week’s episode I can honestly say nothing really happened. They simply spent an entire hour setting up payoffs to storylines that we won’t get to see for weeks. Oh well, at least it’s better than Grey’s Anatomy with the squinty faced girl with the annoying lisp and the butter faced cross-eyed Asian chick. Yeah, that’s right. I said it.The show opens With Edie, getting her weekly 30 seconds of screen time. After a montage (Desperate Housewives loves montages) of her relationship with Carl, or more specifically a montage of him always getting his way in their relationship, we see her watching an old movie on the couch. Carl Sits down and turns the channel to watch the football game. When he refuses to turn the channel back to the movie, we then see Edie in lingerie and a pair of depends enticing him to bed for some kinky lovemaking. Amazingly he falls for it. He must be a Cowboys fan. When Edie ties him up in anticipation of kinky sex and a female truss, she instead goes downstairs and finishes watching her movie. This episodes theme is “warâ€? the disembodied voice of Mary Alice tells us. And Edie understands the nature of war. Which makes sense since she fought for the Union Army in the battle of Anteitam.

In Church the Solis’s are listening to the sermon when Carlos notices a baby and starts pestering Gabrielle when they are going to try for another baby again. Gabrielle says it’s too soon after the miscarriage. That and the whole part about the last time she got pregnant it was against her will because he was tampering with her birth control pills. But that’s OK, Carlos isn’t like that anymore. He’s all about god now. Except for when he beat up the internet porn guy last episode. The priest then surprises them by introducing Sister Mary who is back from her mission in Africa. This elicited what I have to admit is the first truly laugh out loud moment for me the entire time I’ve been watching the show. In the middle of the quiet church Gabrielle, seeing the evil bitch nun, yells out “Son of a bitch!� and everyone turns around to look. Eva Longoria intentionally made me laugh. The first sign of the apocalypse.

Turns out she is right to worry because later we see Carlos meeting with Sister Mary in her car, since Gabrielle wouldn’t allow her in her house. Sister Mary says she thought he looked depressed in church. Carlos agrees and says it is because he wants to have children. When he tells Sister Mary that Gabrielle isn’t ready right now, Sister Mary then gives him a pamphlet on annulment, saying it may be the only option.

When Carlos confronts Gabrielle he asks her to promise him that someday she will be ready to have kids. Gabrielle says that she cannot promise that. When he hears that, Carlos shows her the annulment pamphlet Sister Mary gave him. In the last 2 weeks he has committed assault and now he is blackmailing his wife. So far his doing real well with this whole religious thing. And while I’m at it, why hasn’t the guy from last episode filed assault charges? Carlos clearly violated his parole and should be headed right back to prison. But instead he is going to try and reproduce. Fantastic.

When Gabby sees the annulment pamphlet she immediately knows who is behind it and goes to talk to the priest who is giving confession. She tells the priest that Sister Mary is ruining their marriage. They are always sneaking off to “private bible study�, and Carlos is saying her name in his sleep. When the priest asks them if she is saying that they are having sex, Gabrielle pauses for a second and then lies and says they are. When the priest gets up to leave, Gabrielle then goes back into the confessional and confesses her sin of lying to the priest to a new priest. Very ingenious working of the rules if I may say so.

When she gets home Carlos is on the phone. He looks shell shocked and when Gabrielle asks why he says that Sister Mary has been transferred to a parish in Alaska. They won’t even tell him why. I would think that stripping her of her nun status would be a better thing to do with allegations of sleeping with a parishioner, but hey, it’s the Catholic Church. You’re innocent until proven guilty. And when you’re guilty we just move you around.

Gabrielle then goes to the church to see Sister Mary, who is busy scrubbing the floors. She tells her that she is there to say goodbye. Mary says she knows that Gabriele had something to do with her being transferred and thinks she’s just there to gloat. Gabrielle tells her that she knows they have differences but didn’t want her to be shipped off to Alaska. Mary then accuses her of making this happen, which Gabrielle barely even tries to deny. Well before you know it we are treated to one of god’s greatest miracles. That’s right. Nun fight! Now this isn’t the awesome Cinemax version where the fight involves them knocking over a bottle of vegetable oil spilling all over their taut bodies and the fight eventually ends in a much more amicable situation. No, this is the Disney owned ABC nun fight, where Gabrielle even channels the spirit of Susan for a bit as they flop about fighting on the floor until the priest breaks it up.

The power of Christ complels her!

When Gabrielle gets home an angry Carlos confronts her about the fight. They argue about the baby issue. Gabrielle is pissed, and rightly so, that he is once again trying to blackmail her into having a baby. She wants to know that she is thee woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with ” And not just some uterus in high heels”. C’mon Gabrielle, you’re not just a uterus in high heels. You’re a really small vagina in high heels too!
Gabrielle tells Carlos that he has to choose. When he chooses Gabrielle, she then says she will have a baby with him. Yeah! All is well in the Solis household. And soon Carlos will have children he can beat!

And now we have Lynette. My least favorite of the housewives. She is up all night working on a sales pitch for the Blacks Frozen Yogurt campaign and cannot come up worth anything to show them. Tom then tries to help her out by throwing out some ideas of his own. It’s clear from the beginning that Tom sucks almost as much as Lynette does. “The fro yo that makes you go Whoa..� was his first attempt and it just goes downhill from there. When he throws out a throw away line about cows, she grabs onto it and comes up with a pitch about celebrity cows. Tom even suggests “Reverend Moo-ny�. Ah yes, nothing sells yogurt more than a right wing insane Korean who thinks he’s god. How about The Schiavo Slurpy? Gives you brain freeze! Hey I already made a joke about greased up nun, I might as well go for broke.

The next day she calls Tom to tell them that they all liked Lynette’s celebrity cow idea. Tom starts to think that it was his idea. So later that night when Lynette comes home, he suggests that he get interviewed for the new executive position. Lynette wants nothing to do with it.

Tom ignores what she says and instead shows up the next day using a fake name to interview for the job. Lynette again tells him that if she had to be his boss it would hurt their marriage. He them brings up what I have been wondering about for a while now. He talks about how he still resents Lynette for tanking his promotion at his last job. Finally they are going to mention this! In the interview, Tom does great even when Lynette tries to cut him off at the knees. It doesn’t work and Ed decides to hire him on the spot leaving Lynette in quite a predicament. She may be forced to actually have a husband who is happy.

When she comes home that night, she tells him that he got the job, on one condition. He cannot bring up her ruining his promotion again. “Never throw it in my face ever again. Because if you do you will unleash demons you do not want to meetâ€?. And believe me, she’s serious. She murdered her son’s imaginary friend because she thought her son cared about her more than her, and got hooked on ADD medicine. She’s nuts. With that she also asks Tom to forgive her for ruining his career. Aww. See? She’s not that bad! She can even feel things like “guilt” if you really push her. But I’m sure this will all end in disaster in a few weeks anyway.

Next up is the lovable Susan. When we first see her she is being dropped of from a date with the handsome Dr. Ron. She tries to talk him into coming inside since Julie is away but he rebuffs her. She then asks him is he thinks she’s grotesque, since it’s now been 3 dates and him acting like a perfect gentlemen is getting old. That’s right. Susan is a 3 date slut. Figures. Ron says that because he’s still her doctor it’s not ethical for him to be humping her. But once he stops treating her, all bets are off. Let’s hope he’s not a plastic surgeon, because he would be “treating� her for the next 30 years.

At her doctors appointment they are looking at her X-rays, which amazingly aren’t filled with all sorts of crazy things from cutlery to a bullhorn. I mean, this is Susan after all. He tells her that she needs surgery for an inverted spleen. Even when she gets sick it’s shticky. Why can’t she get an oozing cyst removed? That would have been more interesting. Ron suggests that he do the surgery since he knows her case so well. She agrees but then finds out that this would be his first time doing it. This gets her nervous and when they are having dinner she is anxiously watching him cut his meat rather sloppily. Susan finally tells Ron that she would feel more comfortable with someone else doing the surgery. How comfortable can she be when he can’t even cut his steak right, she says. “That’s not fair you overcooked it, and it’s not the freshest meat” he says. Susan responds by saying “Neither am I. I got 35 years on that cow!” Insert easy joke here: I didn’t know cows could live to be over 20 years old?â€? [rimshot] When Ron hears that he storms out of her house.

The next day Susan is waiting at the hospital to talk to Ron. She was at first going to apologize abut then tells her that she is standing firm and that if he can’t understand that then its over. Ron then tells her that he is sorry and he already sent her some flowers at her house. He says he’s sorry for putting her in that position and cant be her doctor anymore.

Not every story ends so happy this week. Which brings me to Bree and The Applewhites. Bree is bringing Danielle’s backpack upstairs to her room. Little does she know that Danielle is busy getting her frak on with Matthew Applewhite in her room. When Bree finally comes into her room, Matthew hides under the bed. As she is picking up her dirty laundry she’s sees his hand under the bed and asks Danielle if that’s “A black man under your bed?� Wow. Way to get all racial Bree. If I was Danielle I would’ve been all like “Well is that the woman who banged my fathers killer in front of me?� and then Bree would have been all like “No you d’int� and Danielle would have been like “Did I hear a bell? cuz you just got schooled�, and so on and so forth.

Bree grabs Matthew and storms over the the Applewhites and before eh can even get a sentence out Betty slaps Matthew hard across the face and pulls him inside, shocking even Bree. Later Bree goes to see Danielle who is crying in bed. Danielle lashes out at Bree saying she is upset because her life is over and hers is just getting started. Bree defensively tells her that she always wanted Danielle to be happy. “Don’t just want it, make it happen” Danielle tells her. It’s a regular Romeo and Juliet. Except for the whole interracial thing. And oh yeah, Romeo wasn’t hiding his retarded brother in a castle. Or maybe he was, What do I know. I write for a TV website, I don’t got time for no fancy book learnin.

Trying to be a good mother, Bree goes over to Betty and tries to convince Betty that if they chaperone they can continue to still see each other. Bree is about to answer her when she notices Caleb staring at her from a window in the house. Bree gets home and When Danielle walks in she asks her what’s wrong. Bree tells her everything and then calls the other housewives to tell them to make sure they all come to Poker tonight because she has big news.

Later, Danielle meets with Matthew and asks him if he is hiding the crazy retard guy who broke into Gabrielle’s house in their second story bedroom. Matthew starts freaking out saying that he can’t talk about it and that he and him mom have to leave town tonight. Danielle tries to get him to explain but he says he can’t. She says that he can trust her, since her family has secrets too. In order to convince him of this she tells him that last year her brother Andrew hit Mrs. Solis with the car and covered it up. Oh Danielle, you stupid, stupid woman.

That night as Bree is getting ready for the poker game Betty shows up saying that they need to talk. She tells him that the man in the window is her son, but she didn’t attack Gabrielle and he didn’t kill the man in the trunk, and that is all she needs to know. When Bree tells her that he needs to be arrested. Betty than says that if she breathes one word of it to anyone she will tell the police that her son was the one who killed Mrs. Solis and covered it up. After she says that the doorbell rings and Bree goes to answer it, shaken. When the girls start to ask her what it was that she asked her over for, Bree just says that she found out that Betty was a good poker player and she invited her over to join them in their game. You would Think that Betty has won this round, but you would be mistaken. As they are playing poker, Bree shoots Betty a stare that tells her that the game has only just begun.

Bitch is going down.