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ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s been two weeks since we last had a fresh episode of Desperate Housewives, and the question remains Ã¢â‚¬Å“Will it get any better?Ã¢â‚¬? Well, apparently I am in the minority on this because the last episode two weeks ago actually beat out the World Series. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, a team that hadnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t won since 1917 sweeping in the World Series was beaten out by the image of a 43-year-old woman with bad plastic surgery dancing on a bar. But who knows, maybe they were all just GreyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Anatomy fans watching ABC just waiting for 10 oÃ¢â‚¬â„¢clock (never underestimate the power of Patrick Dempsey). Or perhaps it was thousands of would-be bloggers who were given the task of recapping a show that they think isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t as good as it used to be. Either way, the country spoke, and I shall listen. This week the show actually did get a little better. Less goofiness, and a darker edge, and that uppity Susan got hers. Granted it was still full of absolutely huge, laughable plot holes, but seeing as how itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s really just a soap opera with a big budget, it’s par for the course.
The show starts with a little back story on creepy murderer George and how he came to be creepy murderer George. We get a quick montage of him getting rejected by numerous women slamming the door in his face, and then a flash to the present day where Bree opens the door and welcomes him in with a smile. After dinner they both go to the couch and soon George is all over her, trying to taste some of BreeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s honey pot. Before they can get anything going Bree breaks out in a hideous rash. It looks like herpes simplex ten broke out all over her face. I know this cuz I saw a pictureÃ¢â‚¬Â¦in a book onceÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ Yeah, thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s it. Later when she is at her psychiatristÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s office, he tells her that it is most likely a psychosomatic illness brought on by her guilt. She refuses to believe it, so freaky STD still on the table as an option.
At the MayerÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s house, Susan is with her mom Sophie getting her wedding dress ready for her marriage to Morty, played by, ahh, the, umm, in-in-inestimable, B-B-Bob, ahh, N-N-Newhart. When Mike comes in, Sophie tells him to leave as it’s bad luck. Mike then hints that Susan can get her own wedding dress soon. Looks like Mike and Susan will get married soon. Either that or something will drive them apart later this episode (gee, I wonder which one it will be?).
Over at the courthouse, Gabrielle shows up to court wearing another hot outfit that would also easily fit on a 9 year old girl (The woman is comically short. It always makes me laugh). Apparently her baby is being grown in a lab somewhere since she got pregnant last season and still has a washboard stomach. Max Headroom Lawyer David is upset because he told her to look maternal. Apparently mothers canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t wear nice expensive clothes. While they are arguing a weird guy named Louis, a former client of David, comes up and starts yelling at him. Before you know it he pulls a gun ands starts shooting. When he empties the gun of bullets and doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t hit anything, he then throws the gun at David. When David picks it up, a cop finally shows up, and when he sees David with the gun, shoots him in a wacky mix em up, Housewives style. Only this show can have a courthouse where you can A. sneak a handgun in undetected and B. empty six shots in the air and not have a cop show up for about 2 minutes. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s like the writers are daring us to see how much they can get away with.
Which leads us to the next scene. Paul, the cold blooded murderer who we last saw about to be executed by Mike last season before he changed his mind at the last second, is back home and mowing his lawn like nothing happened. Not only did Paul murder MikeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s ex girlfriend, stick her in a trunk, bury her beneath the pool, and then inexplicably dig up the trunk again and dump it in a pond (the only reason so the cops could find it and get the plot moving. Otherwise heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d have been completely safe), but he also killed Martha Huber for finding out his secret. Gabrielle and Bree are both on the phone shocked that heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s there and wondering if Susan has seen him yet. Cue Susan coming home and holding groceries, because if she wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t holding groceries there would be no opportunity for her to drop them all in shock in some classic Susan moment. The writers should just have her start wearing a monocle, so then whenever something surprising happens she can look amazed and the monocle can drop out and fall in a wine glass or something. Or maybe wear a dickie and every time someone surprises her it can just pop out and roll up. Or maybe they can just go ahead and make her a CGI character. You know, now that I think about it, I finally realized what it is about Susan I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t like so much. She reminds me of Jar Jar Binks. I mean think about it. SheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s weird looking, always getting into slapstick hijinks that are never funny, you cringe everytime she appears on screen. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s uncanny. I think they should have her talk like Jar Jar just to make the transformation complete. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oooh, mike! Mesa thinks Zach is a bantha poo doo! Okie day!Ã¢â‚¬?
Once she drops her groceries after seeing him, Gabrielle and Bree come out and stands between them warning Paul that they called the police. Moments later the police arrive, thereby confirming that itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s safer on Wisteria lane than it is in their local courthouse. When the police ask for proof that heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a murderer, she brings them over to MikeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s house where he simply denies everything. Susan looks stupid, again, and the police leave. Great boyfriend you got there Susan.
When she confronts him about lying to the police later on, Mike tells her that he couldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t say anything because he could go to prison again if he told them about the whole almost executing Paul thing from last season. When she asks why he didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t tell them about Mrs. HuberÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s journal where she writes about how Paul admitted to murdering ZachÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s mom, he says the journal also says that Susan burnt down EdieÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s house. Never mind the fact that the journal is complete hearsay and not admissible in any court, and there was never any evidence that Susan burnt down the house (it was an accident that her madcap klutziness caused). Things like reason and logic have no place in Wisteria Lane! Either that or IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve seen to many court dramas. Mike finally tells her that he wants Paul back here in order to Lure Zach back. With this we get the guilty look from Susan because we all know she found Zach a few weeks ago and convinced him to go to Utah.
Lynette meanwhile is trying on a new white suit, since Nina and her coworkers were criticizing her cheap suits earlier. When her husband finds out that the suit cost 900 dollars, and that sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s got a pile of them, he gets upset that sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s wasted so much money. He says he made sacrifices over the years when he was working and its time for her to start doing the same. She reluctantly agrees to take the suits back the next day.
When she goes into work the next morning wearing her usual drab gray suit, she sees all the clients waiting for her presentation wearing their own expensive suits. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s too much for her so she goes and grabs one of the new suits, changes in the bathroom and hides the tag. My mom did this to me once with an Easter suit when I was 12. When Lynette is going through her presentation, which in another nod to the budget is done with big drawings on easels, and not how they have actually been done for years now with multimedia presentations, Nina notices that she missed the tag on her skirt and its showing through. Never one to miss an opportunity to embarrass Lynette (she must really miss getting laid) she points it out to everyone at the meeting. Not the best move to openly insult your project manager while sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s doing her presentation in front of her clients, but since this firm still hasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t figured out PowerPoint, its like arguing the placement of the deck chairs on the Titanic.
When Lynette comes home that night wearing the suit she promised to return, Tom is obviously upset. And since these are the Scavos, there are only three things that they can do to fix the problem. Lie, backstab, or bribe. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s what the Scavos do. So Lynette pulls out a set of new golf clubs from the trunk and tells Tom that everyone and a while they need to do something for themselves. It helps them become better people, and better parents. Tom, being a shallow Scavo, agrees and takes the club gingerly. A bunch of 900 dollar suits in exchange for a set of golf clubs? Tom’s an idiot. Later we see the kids eating cat food for dinner.
Over at the hospital Gabrielle is visiting David. When David tells her that she is his first visitor in the two days she has been here, she is surprised and feels a little sorry for him. She then helps him cut his meal and feeds him his dinner, and David gets that Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am in love with you because you were nice to me for five minutesÃ¢â‚¬? look that we all know so well. This from the guy who is supposed to be the big lothario who uses women. God this show makes no sense.
IT gets worse the next day in court when as he is about to ask for a dismissal, he stops, says he Ã¢â‚¬Å“canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t do thisÃ¢â‚¬? and walks out. When Gabrielle catches up to him in the hall, he says he canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t do it because he is madly in love with her because she cut his veal cutlet. He canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t help Carlos because they belong together. This is so stupid on so many levels I almost threw my shoe at the TV. To recap, the big studly lawyer who sleeps with all his beautiful clients, falls in love with one of them when she cuts his food, he then walks out on them in the middle of a court session, isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t fined for contempt of court and it doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t occur to Gabrielle that she can threaten to get him disbarred instantly, which she so obviously can, for his idiotic behavior. Lionel Hutz is a better lawyer.
Instead of just telling him she can get him disbarred she instead later invites him over to her house where she attempts to seduce him and offers to have an affair with him. When he says yes, she tells him that that is proof that he doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t love her otherwise he would have said no to an affair and told her he wanted her completely. Am I wrong to be completely aggravated by this nonsensical writing? Am I taking it too seriously? I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t usually watch soap operas, but even Melrose Place didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t get this stupid and at least they had the glorious Daphne Zuniga.
After BreeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s epidermis malfunction, George calls her to tell her that he has some antihistamines that he thinks might be able to help her. She does him one better and tells him that they should go away for a romantic weekend together. When they get to the hotel the man at the desk mistakes them for a married couple and as soon as Bree hears that her rash comes back again. She starts freaking out and makes George agree to separate rooms. Once they agree to this her rash magically disappears. But this is George were talking about. HeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s already killed her husband in order to have her; a simple rash isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t going to stop him.
At dinner George tries to convince her to take the antihistamines. She doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t think itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s such a good idea since sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s drinking wine but George says itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll be fine. Soon enough she is plastered beyond belief and he is forced to take her upstairs. When he drops her on her bed she passes out almost instantly. At that point George stands over her and says that he loves her and he will do anything to make her love him back. Then he loosens his tie and we fade to commercial. Did George just rape Bree? Inquiring fans want to know.
When Bree finally wakes up she looks over to see George sitting there watching her. Nothing creepy about that. Nope, nothing at all. When she asks why he didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t sleep next to her he says Ã¢â‚¬Å“I already stood over you while masturbating and choking myself with piano wire so I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t feel the need.Ã¢â‚¬? Well, he didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t say that out loud, but he said it with his eyes. When she tells him that she just isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t ready, George warns her that there is only so much rejection he can take. With that, she suddenly changes her mind and she tells him to stay. They then start to kiss and pan over to the clock which goes from 3:25 to 4:30. If this show was realistic, they would have had it change to 3:27. I mean cÃ¢â‚¬â„¢mon, the guy’s a dweeb who never gets laid.
Later we see Susan working under her sink. Now normally, since this is Susan, we would expect to see the pipes burst and water shoot all over the place as she runs frantically around looking for a wrench. Before that can happen however, there is a knock at the door. Susan tells the person to come in and when she gets up to look and see who it is, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Paul. He has the flyer about ZachÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s disappearance and wants to know if Susan is hiding something about Zach from him. As he is saying this she is reaching back into the sink looking for something. When he asks what it is she is looking for, she says a knife. He then picks up one from the table and menacingly approaches her. This of course is enough to have her spill the beans about how she saw Zach and sent to him to Utah. Not so much because she is scared, but because the writers are lazy and couldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t figure out a better way to have Paul find out this info to drive the plot forward.
So itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s no surprise later that when Mike approaches Paul while heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s gardening to tell him that no one wants him there, that Paul lets it slip that Susan got rid of Zach. When Mike realizes this he goes to confront Susan. Susan is of course wearing the wedding dress for her mother, and Mike asks her if he can ask her an important question. SusanÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s mom Sophie assumes that he is going to ask her to marry him, thus confirming that the idiot gene runs in the Mayer family. When Mike finally asks Susan if itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s true that she saw Zach and sent him away, she admits it. You see, Zach is a creepy freak who held her at gunpoint and is obsessed with her daughter, so she freaked out and sent him away. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not exactly sure what logic she was using because if he did come back he is wanted by the police for kidnapping, aggravated assault and possibly even attempted murder, so its not like he would just move back home. But with the writing on this show, you can never be sure.
Once Mike hears what Susan says, he says itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s over between them and walks out. Susan follows after him, still dressed in her wedding dress, and sobbing uncontrollably. And her aging, surgery ravaged face literally disintegrates before our eyes as Mike drives away. First we had Margot Kidder fall apart, now Teri Hatcher. I fear for Erica Durance on Smallville.
So as the episode ends we realize it’s been another week and no glimpse of the Ã¢â‚¬Å“storyline no one cares aboutÃ¢â‚¬? featuring the Applewhites and their basement prisoner. Could this have anything to do with the fact that the actor playing the prisoner wasfired for Ã¢â‚¬Å“improper conductÃ¢â‚¬?? Perhaps not, because the previews for next week’s episode shows that that storyline figures prominently. We can only hope he goes on some sort of murder spree. We need something to spice up this show.