Two – Two – Two for the Price of One! (OK 1 1/2)

In the immortal words of Ron Burgundy: “Don’t act like you’re not impressed.” Come on, the complete and utter breakdown of the Desperate Housewives, Season 3 recaps, one week into the new season is somewhat impressive. I mean episode 2 and already no recap? Brilliant! I always knew that Teri Hatcher would ruin my life, and here we are in the midst of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Of course, really, there is no one to blame other than myself, being as the show’s first three episodes are already better than the whole of season 2. So after swearing on my DVR that no matter how busy I am, I will stay on top of these recaps, I’m back, mostly with the help of my trusty IPOD. It is a testament to how committed I am to you, the TVgasmic elite, that I will not only download the latest Wisteria Lane madness to my IPOD but also watch it and take notes on it during my hellish commute into New York City via the Long Island Railroad. Picture it, Hicksville, NY 2006. A packed train filled to the brim with angry Long Island commuters, looking only for comfort, quiet and to be gloriously left alone for the 43 minutes it takes to reach the dreaded Penn Station. Sandwiched between a smelly, sweaty stockbroker and a skankalicious NYU commuter yapping on her cell phone, is 220 pound, 25 year old Umnata, not only watching Desperate Housewives on his IPOD, but taking notes on it. That, my friends, is commitment.

So strap in for an extended take on the second and third episodes of DH. This is essentially going to be a recap of the most recent episode (10/08), and we’ll flashback to the events of episode 2 (10/01) as needed. Let’s check it out as these episodes come equipped with shocking births! Comas! Lurid trysts! A wedding! A new shirtless wonder! The Return of Umnata’s arch nemesis Jesse Metcalfe! And more Babe than you can shake a stick at! How could I miss all this? In the equally immortal words of Jacobin Mugatu: “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”
Last week, Bree & Orson finally tied the knot. I use the word finally, very loosely, as they’ve only known each other for about 20 minutes, which is fine, but only if one of you is a Carter and the other is a Playboy Playmate. The best part of this whole episode, however, was the bridesmaid dresses that Bree had picked out for her “three best friends.” Sure, ugly bridesmaid dresses are about a dime a dozen, but come on… look at Felicity Huffman:

She may be the most talented bridesmaid, but man, she can really look like someone who fell off the pretty tree, missed every branch and landed face first into a rock. I mean that in the nicest way possible, however.

More importantly than the ugly bridesmaid dresses, was the fact that the girls finally all came out of the closet as Orson haters. Susan even went so far as to head over to the bank where Carolyn, Orson’s nosy ex-neighbor who believes he killed his former wife Alma, works. Oh Laurie Metcalf! How much more believable you’d be as a suspicious neighbor if you didn’t look completely crazy. With that skinny neck and huge eyes… You don’t exactly look at her and think: “Viable witness.” Bree finally puts the smack down on her bridesmaids, but soon after her own doubts get the better of her, and she asks Orson about his wife, who he again denies killing. He hasn’t, however, denied drugging her and putting her in the loony bin (remember that lady in white from last season?). To further drive the point home, that dead body that we saw at the end of the season premiere is uncovered, and cop Ernie Hudson steps out of his time machine from playing an extra in Shaft,

to bring Orson and Bree down to the police station to identify the body (which, by the way, is toothless). Orson sees the body and says it isn’t Alma, and Carolyn enters soon after to confirm it.

Flash-forward to this week’s episode where Bree and Dr. Giggles are at the airport getting ready to head on their honeymoon to Bermuda. Bermuda? Really? Kind of lame if you ask me for a successful dentist and his wealthy widow wife. Name one person who doesn’t LOVE alliteration! Sadly, before the two of them can head to the sunny isle, Bree catches a glimpse of a news report interviewing homeless teenagers, one of whom is her evil son, Andrew.

As much as I’ve enjoyed this season thus far, I felt there was something missing, and that was the delightfully monstrous Andrew. Dr. Giggles isn’t overly concerned about Andrew’s situation – the man wants his perfect honeymoon. You know, fine food and making love, with just a splash of vivisection at night. Perfect getaway! Sorry Orson, better put away your Novocain Stick, Bree has to find her baby!

It seems that Mary Alice’s contribution to my migraine this week is telling us that the remaining ladies are heading out of town this weekend. Gabby and Lynette are heading to a spa for some R&R and Susan is heading to a weekend rendezvous with charmingly befuddled Ian.

Flashback: Last week Susan and Ian went on a not-so-successful first date. You know the usual. They grab dinner and run into his comatose wife’s parents, and Susan pretends to be a brain surgeon. Yes, you read that correctly. Brain Surgeon. Susan Mayer. Just go with it.

Later Ian crashed Bree’s wedding it in a bowtie (bowties f-ing rock!) and won Susan over with a Toast-off about love.

Also previously, the divorce between Carlos and Gabby kept getting uglier and uglier, but seemed like a ceasefire was in order once they realized that it’d be easier to raise a child who wasn’t manipulative, vacuous and insipid, like them, if they were slightly civil to each other. After ChowMein’s water broke, it seemed like there’d finally be some kind of reconciliation in the Spanish Inquisition, but then this child was born:

It seems that Gabby & Carlos’ baby batter got mixed up and stuffed in the wrong oven. Unlike ChowMein’s uterus of steel, the baby mixture didn’t take in the other surrogate. Sure, it was a little reminiscent of Season 1, Nip/Tuck, but it probably got rid of Carlos and ChowMein, so whatever. I don’t think anyone REALLY wanted to see Eva Longoria pushing a stroller anyway.

Back in the somewhat present, Bree has gone a bit nutty over this whole “guilt about abandoning her only son” nonsense. Of course, her other demon seed, Danielle, is more concerned with the fact that she is about to be named Homecoming Queen and now her derelict brother is going to upstage her. I, on the other hand, am mostly concerned that Danielle goes to a school where someone who looks like they are kept chained in a basement by Mama Fratelli and asking for Baby Ruths can be Homecoming Queen.

Bree snaps at her Sloth-looking daughter about being so selfish, but Danielle turns it right back on Bree, correctly stating that it’s Bree’s own fault that Andrew is on the street giving hand jobs for crack, in the first place. Touché, Sloth. Dr. Giggles tries to comfort Bree, saying that no one could stop a child from running away. My fibber meter hits amber, but Bree comes clean with Orson explaining that Andrew didn’t run away; Bree left him on the side of the road with only some money, his clothes and his blowjob skills to survive. What I don’t understand is: What did Bree think was going to happen? Like she packed up her son, left him in the middle of nowhere like a dirty kitten, and she thought that he was going to what… flourish? Finish high school and become a lawyer? She’s lucky he’s not dead. Idiot!

Gabby and Lynette are in the middle of getting rubbed down by two hunky masseurs at a spa that looks deceptively like Gabrielle’s backyard. Gabby’s phone rings and its Tom, the last person this side of The Babe that Lynette wants to hear from. It seems that Tom took his Village of the Damned children camping, but natch, threw out his back. Lynette earns her stripes as worst mother on Wisteria Lane by telling Tom to give the children some muscle relaxants but he thinks it’s a “bad idea.” Pussy. Of course, Lynette is put-upon once again, and has to leave her vaca early to tend to all of her children, including Tom.

At the cabin where Susan and Ian are away cheating on their comatose lovvvvers, things are a bit awkward, because the boundaries of the weekend have yet to be established. For example there is a debate over the sleeping arrangements that is positively charming. I know you may be searching hard for my sarcasm, but I think I am slowly but surely falling for SkeleHatcher all over again! Don’t hate me! However, I am not so charmed that I find the whole “whoops Susan took Ian’s suitcase full of condoms” endearing, nor was I amused by the converse “Jeepers! Ian took Susan’s bag and found some sexy lingerie!” Somewhere John Ritter is spinning in his grave over the pissing on the Three’s Company misunderstanding legacy.

Lynette soon gets back to her house on her way to rescue Tom from their children, who have no doubt taken over his mind and strung him up by his testicles by this point. Who is waiting there but my favorite audience ostracizing character, Nora The Babe. She’s not going to let Lynette, play the hero mom, and swoop in and save the family from Tom’s bad back. No way, Babe!

Poor Gabby is left at the Spa, no Lynette, no husband, no ChowMein and no baby. She’s really ugly too, so there is so much for her to be depressed about. But don’t worry about this Hot Tamale; she’s not alone for long. That’s right kids it’s the return of Umnata’s Arch nemesis Jesse Metcalfe. Just seeing him makes my eyebrows wax.

Bree is on the prowl for some cheap whores – oh no, wait, she’s just searching for her son – and runs into a Tranny hooker. Sorry, my mistake. The Tranny, gloriously named Pearly Gates (“Because you can’t get into heaven without going through me!”) leads her in the direction of a soup kitchen nearby where she might possibly find Andrew.

Ian has a piano at his cabin, and boy is Susan hoping that the keys aren’t the only Ivory he can tickle. I don’t even know what that means, but it made me chuckle. They start to tongue wrestle tentatively, but Ian is nervous.

It seems that his Veggie Tale of a wife was the only woman he’s ever been with. Yowser. Susan chops off Ian’s erection but calling his lack of sexual conquests “cute.” This leads to the inevitable debate over number of partners, which I don’t think ever is as paramount a conversation in real life as it is on television. Susan cops to having had nine partners, to which Ian all but offers her a Scarlet A for being such a whore. SkeleHatcher is appalled – her actual number is 11 – and she doesn’t believe that 11 partners in the 3298 years she’s been sexually active is a lot. This puts the kibosh on the nookie nookie as Susan storms off to bed, alone.

At the Spa/Hotel, Gabby and John the Gardener are catching up. It seems that since Jesse Metcalfe left Wisteria Lane, he has started his own company which handles the landscaping for this entire hotel chain. In fact, the Garden Network is looking to get him to become the next Ty Pennington, which is the only way humanly possible to make him more annoying. Gabby is pleased with John the Gardener’s upgrades to a 2.0 version. He’s more mature, more confident, and not as illegal as he once was. Gabby announces her divorce and John shows Gabby his desire to plow her garden, by calling her Gabrielle for the first time. Whatever, Mrs. Solis was way hotter.

Lynette and The Babe are in the car on the way to save Tom from the children peeling his skin off. Naturally, The Babe is doing everything in her power to annoy the hell out of Lynette. Dude, that is so NOT Babe. Lynette is starting to crack and let The Babe know how she truly feels. The Babe is totally taken off guard by this. She’s totally Babeified by the whole thing. She tots thought she and Lynette were BFFs. Finally, the Babe realizes that Lynette thinks she is totally nutzo. To prove that she’s not The Babe grabs the steering wheel and jerks the car into oncoming traffic. The car crashed into a tree and they both die instantly allowing Felicity Huffman to flee this sinking ship and win an Oscar in the next few months. Okay, that only happened in William H. Macy’s wet dream, but The Babe did try to swerve the car into traffic as a “joke.” Like most of Dane Cook’s jokes however, this was not very funny. Lynette tells The Babe that if she wants to kill herself that’s fine, but leave her out of it. This clearly strikes a nerve with The Babe, who demands the car be pulled over so she can get out and hitch a ride with a truck driver. Lynette obliges, and refuses to save The Babe from her own insanity, letting her flee with some random trucker. This is how most of the great romances start anyway.

Previously: Last week, the new shirtless wonder on Wisteria Lane showed up: Austin Britt, Edie’s troubled nephew. He of course had a run in with straight-laced Julie Mayer, who vowed that Austin wasn’t nearly as hot as he thought he was. This has a retarded version of Romeo & Juliet written all over it, but anything that gives Julie more screen time is just FINE by me.

Currently: Julie is working on her science project (she might not have any specific definition between her neck and chin, but she’s so so smart!), when she blows a fuse in her house, leaving her bathed in darkness. Since her mother is Susan, she has not been taught anything about actual life and how to function, so she doesn’t know how to flip a switch in the circuit breaker and turn the lights back on. This leads her to head over to Edie’s house looking for assistance and only finding a shirtless & pant-less Austin who is willing to help. I like this whole little plotline – mostly because of my love for Julie – and the comic gold of pitting Edie and Susan against each other on a mother vs. mother scale is kind of genius. I just hope that they don’t turn Julie into a mondo-idiot a la her mother, which I already sort of envision happening.

Speaking of Susan, Ian is trying to make amends with her for brandishing her the town bicycle for her double digit sexual conquests. They make up and start getting all yummy with each other, when Susan tentatively mentions that she doesn’t want this to mean the world to Ian. You know the last girl he kissed he ended up marrying, and Susan’s just not ready for that level of commitment. Anyone else having trouble believing Susan’s number is only 11? I mean in the past two seasons she’s already had sex with three different men… if we’re using that as an average… Regardless, Ian makes the boneheaded comment that he’s just as willing to have meaningless sex as Susan. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa Miss Lippy! Susan didn’t say ANYTHING about ever having meaningless sex. Ian then takes the road of the man less laid, wondering if she was deeply in love with her nearly dozen sexual partners? This gives Susan, shockingly, the best line of the night: “Don’t judge me, Mr. Virgin plus 1.” Ian’s blue balls continue.

Bree makes her way to the Soup Kitchen for a possible Andrew sighting. Despite the lamest evasive attempt ever (he puts his hood up), Andrew runs into his clearly distraught mother. Rightfully so, he’s not all that upset about not getting around to sending out the Hallmark Mother’s Day Teddy Bear to Bree this year. Bree tries to apologize, but Andrew wants to hear none of it.

Lynette is having a mighty fine time on the road without The Babe, when she spots a totally Babealicious chick on the side of the road, who happens to be the one and the only, Nora the Babe. Hey Babe! It seems the truck driver tried to grab The Babe’s massive rack causing her to beat him with his bong before hightailing it out of the truck. The Babe actually takes the high road and apologizes for flipping out, but Lynette’s suicide comment hit kind of close to home for The Babe. Apparently she’s visited suicide slums in the past. I bet that it was right after she got dumped by Albert Clifford. These two finally have a much needed heart to heart – which doesn’t leave The Babe any less crazy or Lynette any less shrewish, but they certainly needed it.

At the Mayer House, Austin is checking out Julie’s box and sure likes what he sees. He notices that it’d be really easy to turn her box on and off just by pushing the tiny button up and down slowly but steadily. Julie is mystified, so Austin shows her how to work her own box so she won’t need him anymore. Unfortunately, Aunt Edie walks in on the lesson, and Julie’s box is quickly shut down.

Edie’s looking for the CD player that she lent SkeleHatcher back when the two of them were buds. Julie informs Edie that the CD player is at Mike’s hospital room. Edie then sends Austin home to mix her a drink, while she stays behind to warn Julie against getting involved with her bad boy nephew.

It’s just like old times in Gabrielle’s hotel room as she and John the Gardener have just finished doing the nasty. Is it just me or is Jesse Metcalfe getting fat?

Post-coital John TG gets a phone call from his fiancée who has surprised him and is on his way up to the hotel room. Say what!?!?! Oh how quickly the tables are turned, as Gabrielle is the one being kicked out of John TG’s bed! It seems that John the Gardener’s fiancée is the daughter of the man who owns this entire hotel chain. Next thing we know this whirlwind of blonde hair and annoyance is coming in calling John TG her poodle. But where’s Gabrielle. The inner-racist in me was ready to squeal with laughter as Gabrielle came out dressed like a housekeeper. Alas, this doesn’t happen, and we are forced to endure a “comical showcase of Jesse Metcalfe’s acting ability” as he tries to wheel his suitcase out into the hall without his fiancée getting suspicious. The scene is actually painful to watch, and I find myself wanting to write Eva Longoria a note of thanks for hating Jesse Metcalfe so much, nearly ensuring that his return will be oh-so-brief. To complete the awkwardness of the moment, it turns out that Gabby had stuffed herself into John TG’s suitcase. The whole scene falls painfully flat.

At the cabin, Susan comes down to find Ian playing the piano. Apparently, there is no amount of insults or slutty implications that can not be fixed by a little piano playing. They totally do it afterwards.

Bree is much more distressed than Susan as she is planting Azalea’s in her garden. This is the 13th step in the mourning process – botany. Dr. Giggles comes out to try and pry Bree away from her painfully obvious symbolism, but there is no consoling her. She also doesn’t want to go inside because there is a bottle of Chardonnay in the fridge that she will no doubt tackle like Susan on a British piano playing almost virgin. Dr. Giggles leaves her be, but I can’t help thinking that even though he ran over Mike and possible killed his own wife, Orson seems like a really nice guy.

The next day at the Spa, Gabby is having lunch by herself, when John TG comes by to return the diamond watch that she accidentally left in his room the night before. John TG then apologizes for not telling Gabby he was engaged before they started bumping uglies. Gabby says all is forgiven, because now they can be together. She’s single now and they can live long and prosper, getting their genitals waxed together for years and years to come! Hooray! But John TG says hell to tha NO – he doesn’t want to have a marriage like Gabby. He’s not going to cheat on his soon-to-be wife. It’s a little late to play the Moral Superiority card isn’t, it Mr. The Gardener?

Dr. Giggles takes to the streets and finds Andrew, whom he offers to give $50.00 to if he can buy him lunch. Apparently, on the streets they still have copies of My Own Private Idaho, because Andrew is ready to assume the appropriate position that the $50.00 implies. But no, Dr. Giggles doesn’t want sodomy! He just wants a sandwich and a chance to convince Andrew to come home.

Lynette has successfully picked up the pack of wolves, and, unfortunately, Tom is fine. He’s surprised that his back started to flare up again, but Lynette thinks it might be from stress. Taking a cue from the information she gleaned from The Babe about Tom’s hatred of the Advertising industry, she suggests that Tom start looking for a job in whatever field he wants. Whatever he decides she’ll stand by him 100%. Aww.

Edie makes her way over to Mike’s hospital room to pick up her CD player, steal some chocolates and check out Mike’s piping while he’s unconscious.

Mary Alice closes the night telling us about picking up and putting down loads. Andrew comes home, Lynette and Tom are wonderful, Gabby is Les Miz and Susan is canoodling with Ian after the Bangfest of 2006. One more twist: Mike is alivvvve! Alivvvve! Alivvvve!

So there was that, two weeks for the price of one! Anyone else starting to at least allow this show to be a guilty pleasure again?