Desperate Housewives: Well, Next Week Will Be Awesome, Right?

One of two things happened with this episode of Desperate Housewives: The writers knew they were going on an extended vacation with donuts provided by Jay Leno, or they’re saving up their best stuff for next weeks “there’s a twister a comin’” episode. This week we get obvious non-questions such as “is Richard Chamberlain gay?” (yes), “did Victor survive?” (yes) and “has Mike finally kicked that pesky pill popping habit?” (no). Sometimes you have to wade through the muck to get to the good stuff, so let’s dive in. The muck’s just fine.

“Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.”

We open with Gaby at church attempting to atone for her sins, which includes her glory days as a four-foot super model in New York so there’s a lot of blow and limo rides with ZZ Top to confess. While Gaby is listing her sins (“I hit and ran an ice cream truck, I stole candy from several babies, I had impure thoughts 5 trillion times, I molested my underage gardener….”) Carlos tracks her down. When you can’t find something, it’s always in the last place you think to look. Carlos implores Gaby to go with him to the police to confess their muerto, but Gaby won’t allow it citing countless instances where people totally got away with something like this with no harmful repercussions whatsoever. Carlos concedes and states that he is going to prey for a miracle. Down by the beach (seriously where is this town??) we see Victor wash up on shore looking like Bruce Davison in X-men.

“Whew! Atleast there wasn’t a big storm while I was out there. What? That’s next week? Damnit!”

We see a flashback of when Mike injured his shoulder while installing a sex swing for Ida Greenburg. He was prescribed little, white, harmless pills by his doctor for the pain, but in an attempt to gain a personality Mike kept taking the pills after his pain was gone, much like Rose on that very special episode of Golden Girls. Mike was able to keep his addiction a secret from everyone that cared about him, people like Susan, Julie and fat secretaries named Patty who think he’s just dreamy, and was only able to share his need for the junk with his dealer. Mike gives his dealer a call and asks for a freebie since he’s a little cash poor at the moment, but his dealer, a pre-Med college nerd named Barrett, only deals on a cash up front basis. Mike is also in deep to the Cornell Mafia for previous purchases for which he has yet to pay and is therefore denied his fix.

“A flannel shirt and a vacant stare. Why do you ask? Who is this?”

While Mike is busy conducting his drug deal, Susan is busy watching Julie come home from a date with a skeevy hipster doofus with a van and a soul patch. The dude kind of looks like Trent from Daria. As Julie leans in for her first kiss with a conscious boy, Susan opens the front door and interrupts her. Susan drags Julie inside and informs her that she accidentally happened upon this boy’s webpage while Googling “high school boys pierced genitalia” and won’t allow Julie to go any farther with him lest she accidentally lets Prince Albert out of his can. Julie tells her mom that she and Snake are just dating, so Susan shouldn’t worry until he tries to put a wedding ring on her clitoris, before storming out.

“Does that enormous jaw unhinge by any chance? wink wink.”

Meanwhile at the Hodge household, Bree is in bed with Benjamin. When Orson comes in and offers to take him to his crib, Bree informs Orson that she has decided to let Benjamin sleep in bed with them indefinitely because of an article she read about bonding via “the family bed.” I thought the whole point of this new baby was to have one she didn’t screw up? Orson is opposed to the idea since he only wants to bond with Bree, if you know what I mean. I mean he wants to have sex on her. Bree tells Orson that sex is the last thing on her mind after the rigors of fake childbirth and pretending to have postpartum depression. Orson gives in and crawls into bed comforted by the fact that there will be several unwilling patients unconscious in his dentists chair the next day.

“Honey, you’re a dentist. Why does your breath smell like ass?”

Lynette is rapidly calling every bar, morgue, halfway house and gin distillery in the tri-state area (Colorado, Florida and Maine) in a desperate attempt to find her missing mother. Tom tries to convince Lynette that her mother is a resourceful woman, considering she once made booze by leaving a bag of oranges under the radiator, and that she’ll be fine. Lynette believes him but feels she can’t get back to resenting her mother and painful upbringing until she knows that her mother is all right. Tom thinks that Stella is just trying to get attention, much like his wang is trying to get some attention, but Lynette keeps making phone calls. Looks like no one is getting laid on Wisteria Lane tonight, other than the gay couple who are conspicuously absent this entire episode.

“My headscarf and a clown suit. Why? Wait, who is this?”

While Gaby is busy packing and stealing silver at the Mayor’s mansion, her Rosario comes in to tell her that the police are there to ask a few questions. Officer Blacqueop and Officer Whytekopp proceed to ask Gaby when she last saw her husband as his office has reported him missing for two days. Gaby tells the cops that the last time she saw Victor was when she told him that she was leaving him and that he seemed distraught enough to possibly drown himself in the bay, for example. They tell Gaby that his boat was found floating in the bay and Gaby tells them that she hopes he wasn’t stupid enough to go out and do something stupid, stupidly, like drink and drown himself in a bay. The cops tell Gaby that her theory would be taken into consideration if not for the fact that the boat had been meticulously wiped clean of all fingerprints, even Victor’s. Gaby goes on the defense telling the police that they can’t possibly believe an ex-model is a suspect, therefore making herself look guiltier than Scott Peterson holding a cleaver.

Shouldn’t Gaby have a white maid? Just sayin’.

The next day, Susan answers the door to find a cute, young boy standing on her doorstep. Susan is elated that she finally won a game of Mystery Date before the boy asks to see Mike. The boy introduces himself as Barrett and unbeknownst to Susan he is Mike’s dealer coming to collect his debt. Remember the good old days when drug dealers had goons that would break your legs when you didn’t pay? Now they all have Myspace pages and acne. It’s just not right. Anyway, the boy says that Mike owes him some money for a job they did together and Susan tells him that she will give Mike the message never stopping to question why Mike is working with a preppy douche from the local college. Before the boy can leave, Susan begins to pump the attractive boy for information. She finds out that he is single and pre-Med, so she trots out her best pony and shows him a picture of Julie. After explaining that the picture was not taken with the distortion application on her Mac and that Julie just looks like that, Susan somehow convinces the boy to take Julie out. While chatting up her spinster of a 17 year old daughter, Susan is interrupted when the boy gets a call which happens to be for a drug deal. Susan is blinded by the chance of finally marrying Julie off and getting her out of the house so she doesn’t notice that her future son-in-law is a dealer. Susan is enchanted by his good looks, profitable future and entrepreneurial nature so she invites him to come back when Julie is home, and the lights are turned down low so that they can meet.

“Well I’ve been told I look like a sexier version of Parker Lewis. Wait, who is this?”

Orson comes in to the house angry that he has not been able to sleep at night for fear of rolling over and crushing his son. He’s been so groggy and disoriented that he misplaced one patient’s filling and was just too damn sleepy to molest any of the others. Bree pleads with Orson to give the Family Bed a little more time as she strongly believes it is a good idea. She says that had Andrew been raised in a family bed he may not be so……before Bree can finish, Andrew pops his head up from underneath the table and Orson’s crotch and offers to finish the sentence. “So what, Mom? Stupid? Lazy? Short? Gay? Slutty? Double-jointed? Popular with the Ukrainian Navy” Bree tells Andrew that she was going to say angry. And slutty. She feels his anger came from when he was exiled to the nursery as a baby, and not from the years of Martha Stewart-like torture and coaster-Nazi monitoring the years after. Bree dismisses Andrew’s questions about what a huge mistake he is and continues to attempt to bend Orson to her will. Orson takes a stand, or would if his erection would allow it, and tells Bree that he is going to sleep in the den that evening since he either needs to get laid or get a good night sleep lest he might attempt to run over another neighbor out of frustration.

“And to think I was going to share my mayonnaise sandwich on white bread with you!?”

Bree stops by the Scavo pizza parlor, that we all forgot existed, to drop off Andrew’s cell phone since Andrew works there and we all forgot that as well. While speaking to Tom, Bree begins to ask Tom a few personal questions about how he and Lynette were able to get it on with so many evil children in the house. Tom tells Bree that he and Lynette were creative when the kid’s were younger, having sex at their offices during lunch, in parked cars, in Bree’s house when they were house-sitting for her, under some trash bags on a junk boat to China. Now that the kids are older, he and Lynette can go back to just doing it on the kitchen table anytime they want. The kids have to learn about sex sooner or later. Bree gets his point and thanks Tom for his input, despite how repulsive it was. Before she can leave, Tom asks her how Orson likes being a dad and Bree tells him that she, Orson and Benjamin are such a happy little family. Andrew raises his head up from beneath the table of Indonesian businessmen when he overhears his mother’s omission.

“You put your what in her what, where when? Is that even possible?”

Meanwhile, Mike is doing a little plumbing job for Adam and the two are swapping stories about previous jobs and how most of their previous clients begged for their lives. Adam tells Mike to grab a couple beers while he goes to answer the door. Upon answering the door Adam finds not only the second runner up in the 2007 Tina Fey look-alike contest (Gilbert Gottfried came in first), but the woman is also a previous patient of Adam’s who ruined his life in Chicago. Adam tells her to leave but the woman attempts to push her way into the door before Mike comes in to make things awkward and boring. The woman decides to leave since Adam has a guest, but we have a feeling we’ll see her again. Adam tells Mike that the woman was an ex-patient with some serious mental problems and asks Mike not to mention the fact that she was there to anyone as it would seriously upset Katherine and if Momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy. Mike agrees since he has his own favor to ask: a prescription for pain pills. Unfortunately since Mike only is a pussy and doesn’t have one, a prescription written by a gynecologist would raise some red flags. Mike channels his inner Jewish mother and tells Adam not to worry himself even though Mike is going out of his way to do a favor for Adam. “Don’t bothah, I’ll probably be dead by Yom Kippur anyway.”

“Tracy quit acting so black. Alec Baldwin stop calling me a rude little pig. I’m Tina Fey, bitch!”

At his office, Orson is furiously masturbating while reading the latest copy of Guns and Ammo, when he notifies his secretary to send in his next vict….patient. Bree strides in effecting her best pornography dialogue and tells Orson that she made an appointment to get her captivity filled, if you know what I mean. I mean her vagina with his penis.

“Mrs. Van Dekamp-Pharmacist-Hodge, you’re trying to seduce me.”

Lynette comes home from the Scarfitorium to find Tom waiting for her on the front porch. Lynette immediately assumes the worst, but Tom tells her that someone is there to see her. When led into the house we see veteran character actor and all around queer Richard Chamberlain as Lynette’s stepfather Glen. Lynette is tearfully glad to see him since they haven’t spoken since Stella drove him away with her infidelity when Lynette was a child. At least that was the official story. Stella called him for money and he thought Lynette would like to know that her mother had been living in a car that she had broken into. My mom can’t even use her microwave. Lynette and Glen concoct a plan to corner Stella when Glen goes to meet her with the money so that Lynette can grab her and drag her home by her wig cap.

“If this hand could talk……well, it would probably just try and catch its breath.”

As Bree is exiting Orson’s office, freshly splooged, she runs into Adam who is stopping by to see Orson. Bree tells Adam to go on in since Orson is in the exam room doing nothing but readjusting his chair and mopping. When Adam enters the exam room he asks Orson if he would be willing to write a prescription for Mike since Mike is in a lot of pain, and keeping a big secret for Adam. Orson tells Adam that’s it’s not ethical for him to write a prescription for Mike before Adam subtly reminds Orson how he is happily keeping the secret that Benjamin is not Bree’s baby, rather Danielle’s. I love the smell of Jewish guilt in the morning.

When Bree pulls into her driveway she sees Andrew loading up his leather swing and a box marked “dilldows” written in red crayon into the trunk of his car. Orson obviously banged out Bree’s common sense because she asks Andrew what he’s doing despite the obvious clues. Andrew says that he’s chosen to move out so that his stink of failure won’t smell up their new baby bungalow. Bree pleads with him to stay but Andrew says he’s already paid the deposit; well more like worked it off in trade, and is sticking with his choice. He drives off leaving Bree in the driveway upset and perplexed, and still freshly splooged.

“Was I speeding officer? I’ll be happy to take some kind of breathalizer to avoid a ticket, if you know what I mean. I mean I’ll blow you.”

Orson meets Mike in a dark and seedy corner of Wisteria Lane to supply him with a prescription for “the stuff.” Orson tells Mike that he’s not comfortable giving it to him because medication is only meant to treat symptoms and make you forget where mommy touched you. If the pain is truly chronic he should see a physical therapist or get run over with another car to reverse the polarity. Mike says that he doesn’t need physical therapy, he needs a few weeks off but can’t take them because the baby needs a college fund, Susan needs her goat placenta injections to maintain her youthful glow, and Julie needs another case of tweezers to pluck her enormous chin. Mike tells Orson that when he signed on to this suburban dad gig he assumed it would be more like a Hulk Hogan movie where he’d get to wear a tutu. Mike shares the fact that he’s been in pain everyday since he got hit by a car, causing Orson to gulp like Ichabod Crane. Orson calls the event a tragic accident but Mike tells him that he’s sure it was no accident. Whoever ran him over meant to do it, and based on the police profile it was a middle aged pan-faced momma’s boy with greasy hair and thin lips. Mike vows to track down the man that ran him over and make him pay. Orson quickly hands over the prescription and wishes Mike a speedy recovery before racing home to his momm…..wife.

“I’d love to come over for a game of bridge sometime but I got these darn scorpions crawling under my skin.”

Mike comes in the bedroom to find Susan blissfully asleep in bed. When he sits down to take off his pumps, Susan wakes up and tells Mike that she was dreaming that she and him were ponies causing one to wonder who the real addict in the relationship is? Susan mentions that Mike’s much younger, male, preppy, Parker Lewis-looking friend stopped by earlier in the day and is coming back tomorrow to pick up the money that Mike owes him. Mike excuses himself to the bathroom and calls Barrett to tell him to never come to his house again, no matter how insecure and therefore easy his stepdaughter may be.

While Edie is browsing the M4M2F personals, she sees the headline about Victor’s mysterious disappearance. Edie immediately calls 9-1-1 and leaves an anonymous tip about her suspicions regarding Gaby and Carlos’s involvement in the mayor’s suspicious absence from his office and several local area strip clubs that he is known to frequent. This twelve second scene gives Edie the honorary award for shortest scene by a semi-regular cast member in any episode this season. Edie can’t be here to accept this award but if she were I’m sure she would want to thank her parents for accepting her for who she is and who she decided to be, Dr Goldman, for the amazing things he can do with excess skin, and the good men and women of Sweden for their liberal sexual reassignment surgical laws. Thank you and good night!

“A tiara and a top that cinches my boobs up until they look like a butt. What are you wearing? Wait, who is this?”

Carlos is at Gaby’s house pacing like a caged Mexican and pleading with Gaby to go with him to the police to confess. Gaby still doesn’t want to give in as her motto is “lie, lie, lie until they corner you with hard evidence” and has been since she was married to Carlos. Carlos keeps pushing the fact that eventually the truth will come out and the courts will be much harder on them then. Considering Carlos was in jail previously he already knows what happens to pretty boys like him there, and obviously can’t wait to get back. Gaby finally gives in and says that she will go confess with him, but first they need to have a drink of liquid courage. Gaby goes into her kitchen and pours two shots of Patron but kindly drops a couple sleeping pills in Carlos’s since he’s been so edgy lately.

Over at Susan’s, Barrett is chatting with Julie about dissecting fetal pigs and removing intestines from human cadavers. “That’s nothing,” Julie replies. “You try holding my mom’s neck waddle while Dr. Goldman tightens the knot in the back of her head.” Susan is watching from around the corner, so pleased with herself for finally finding her spinster daughter a man. Mike comes in and Susan gushes about her matchmaking ability, telling Mike how well Julie and Barrett are hitting it off. Mike storms into the living room and asks Julie to excuse herself as he has business to discuss which only a middle-aged man and an impressionable college boy can share. When Julie leaves, Mike tosses Barrett money and tells him to leave and never darken his doorstep with his preppy sweaters again. Barrett tells Mike that as far as Julie and Susan know he is just a nice college student and if Mike continues to threaten him, he will be forced to tell Mike’s “cute” family what a junky he is.

Back in my day, drug dealers wouldn’t be caught dead wearing argyle. They wore fur and shiny suits from Goodwill and walked with a limp, and we liked it!

Mike stands frozen, caught between a rock and Barrett’s hard place, before following Barrett into the other room and announcing to Susan that Barrett is a drug dealer. Mike tells Susan that not only is Barrett a drug dealer, but he is Mike’s drug dealer. Susan demands that Mike throw Barrett out of the house, but since Mike is a good 8 inches shorter than Barrett and weak from all the hard drugs, Barrett kindly offers to leave of his own volition. Before walking out of the door Barrett drops the bomb that Mike was one of his best customers. After Barrett leaves Julie comes into the kitchen wearing the knee pads and “Eight Isn’t Enough” T-shirt Susan bought for her date and asks where Barrett went. Mike and Susan stare at each other awkwardly until Mike dry heaves and has to look away.

Back at Gaby’s place, Carlos is having difficulty putting on his poncho due to the mickey that Gaby slipped in his tequila. As Carlos struggles to mount his burrough Gaby notices officer Blacqueop and officer Wytekopp walking up her sidewalk. Gaby pushes Carlos to the floor and he comfortably passes out as Gaby opens the door. They begin asking a few additional questions and Gaby perkily gives responses about the affair she would never consider having with her ex-husband, how it has been weeks since she has seen him and how she has no idea how someone knocked Victor off his boat with an oar without leaving fingerprints. The officers tell Gaby that they received an anonymous tip from some dude that Gaby had been involved in an illicit affair with Carlos and Victor knew about it. Gaby realizes that Edie was the anonymous tipster and tells the police that Edie’s a slut, a tranny and a liar. Suddenly officer Wytekopp’s cell phone rings and he is informed that Victor was found alive, with only third degree wetness. Gaby feigns joy and goes with the police to the hospital to welcome back her dear, dear, missing and often paranoid schizophrenic with a tendency to make up stories husband.

Officer Wytekopp’s the sensitive one while officer Blacqueop is the bad boy that you think you can change, but you never can. He’ll just break your heart.

Lynette and Thornbirds are sitting in his car at the park waiting for Stella to arrive so Lynette can take her dear mother home. While measuring her rope, testing her mace and checking the heft of her billy club, Glen tells Lynette that he always regretted the way things ended between him and Stella and the girls. Lynette reminds Glen that it’s not his fault that Stella cheated on him and she never blamed him for what happened, but before Glen can tell her how much more complicated it actually is, they spot Stella across the street.

Ugh, this is the gayest stakeout since that movie Stakeout.

Susan is having a very touching motherly talk with Julie about freshness, not swallowing, and Mike being an addict. She tells Julie that Mike bought the pills a long time ago and never got around to paying Barrett which is why the preppy dealer showed up at their house. Susan assures Julie that she and Mike talked about his problem and he is over it completely, and at least he wasn’t giving handjobs for smack on a street corner. Julie asks Susan if she’s sure about that because she saw Mike at the PHARMACY on the CORNER earlier that afternoon, so he could have been killing two birds with one addiction. Susan smells the fart acts her concern.

Back at the park, Lynette is laying low while Glen goes up to Stella to give her the money he promised. Stella is thrilled to see Glen again after so many years, and compliments him on his fashion sense and tendency to moisturize before she notices Lynette skulking closer holding a taser and night vision goggles. Stella tries to bolt but gets cornered. Stella and Lynette begin to argue about Stella’s actions and her previous infidelity until Glen encourages Stella to tell Lynette the truth. Stella tries to keep Glen from letting the Persian cat out of the bag, but Glen insists and confesses to Lynette that he didn’t leave Stella because she cheated on him, rather he left her because he likes dick and she doesn’t have one.

He’s stood like that since Lynette was a baby and still she never knew?

At Casa de Andrew, Bree shows up with a pan of veal scaloppini as a peace offering and so she’d have something heavy to hit the crackheads with in his neighborhood. Andrew lets Bree in and begins to chow down on the food as Bree pleads with him to move back home. Bree confesses that she realizes how Andrew must be angry about what she said the other day, but he must realize how he previously put her through hell with the blackmail, physical violence and that time she caught him getting banged by six black guys in the den. Six big, sexy, black guys. Andrew says he realizes how difficult he was then, but is upset that his mother hasn’t noticed how much he has changed by holding a job, getting insurance and regularly taking his penicillin injections. Bree doesn’t want to part on bad terms with him again, like the time she dumped him on the side of the road to live off of garbage and the kindness of confirmed bachelor college professors. Andrew tells Bree that he forgave her for that a long time ago and asks her to use a coaster at which point her heart swells three sizes.

“Andrew, honey, you know I love you but your faggy little voice is grating on me like nails on a chalkboard today.”

Lynette and Stella are sitting in Glen’s fashionably decorated drawing room as Glen tells Lynette about his partner that died in the spring, we’ll assume of AIDS since the writers aren’t very creative this week. Glen excuses himself to retrieve the celestial seasonings and Lynette asks Stella why she never told her that Glen was a pole smoker? Stella felt that it was a blemish on her untarnished history as a sexual goddess to have turned a man gay. Lynette tells Stella that it doesn’t work that way and she can ask anybody, other than Susan, and they’ll tell her the same thing. Stella also felt that it wouldn’t have really changed anything for her kids to know, since they still would have resented her all these years anyway. Lynette says it would have changed everything knowing why Stella was unable to stay married to the greatest man, and most talented interior decorator she ever knew. Lynette then begs Stella to come home with her but Stella feels that living with Lynette would destroy the relationship they just began to forge. Glen prances in with an idea. He happens to have an immaculately decorated guest room (is there any other kind?) and would love Stella to stay around for the company. Stella agrees but tells him that she’s keeping his money. They all hug like one big happy family. One big queer, boozing, cancer-having happy family.

“Oh my God, I ate cereal in Easter pink gingham chairs and I never put it together until now.”

At the hospital Gaby is led into the room just as Victor is waking up. She tells the doctor and the police how she wouldn’t be surprised if he were babbling like Lindsay Lohan on a bender after all he had been through. The police begin to ask Victor questions but Victor can’t remember where he was or how he got there. Lucky for Gaby, Victor is suffering from focal grade retro evening soap induced amnesia. Gaby is thrilled at this turn of events and asks the doctors and police to leave so that she can begin to nurse her dear, sweet, weak, bed-ridden husband back to health. After they leave Gaby leans in to give Victor a gentle kiss on the forehead but Victor roughly grabs her porcelaine doll-like cheek and whispers in her ear, “I remember everything.” Gaby pulls away and Victor tells her that he needs to rest now because he is going to need all his strength to make her life a living hell.

“What do you mean Sarah Jessica Parker farts in bed? Why would you tell me that?”

While Mike and Susan are getting ready for bed, he tells Susan how much better his shoulder feels now that he’s been doing stretches and listening to those Yani tapes. Susan says she’s going to take a shower and Mike says he is going to make a sandwich, but Susan doesn’t believe him.

Mary Alice Ghostly comes in to remind us that the past is never really behind us. Hell even neighbors that kill themselves won’t shut the hell up. As she drones on we see the Tina Fey look-alike hiding in Adam’s bushes, and we watch as Susan spies on Mike popping another pill in the cab of his manly truck. When Mike goes back in the house Susan sneaks into the truck to find the pill bottle full of prescription painkillers, which were prescribed by none other than her good friend and neighbor, Orson Hodge.

“Holy crap, is that how I spell my last name now? Am I Italian?”

So what did you think about this week’s episode? I found it entertaining yet a little weak. I think we’re all just dying to find out who’s dying next week. It better be somebody good and not just one of the tertiary characters. I bet it will be someone who doesn’t live on Wisteria Lane. Someone who is connected to a person there but lives outside of the circle. Someone who….O my God, it’s going to be Andrew! Not my Andrew! Why? Why, Lord? Why do bad things have to happen to cute people?!

“Now I’m gonna call that Lois Lane gal. I bet she talks real nasty. he he he.”

Leave a comment. I’m too distraught to type anymore.