What is it about a catfight that’s so enticing? Is it the raw sexual energy? The chance that a breast may pop out at any moment? The loose change on the ground afterward? Whatever it is, there’s nothing quite as exciting as seeing two powerhouse divas go head to head in a dramatic pas de deux, especially when both of them are raging bitches. Which is why this upcoming election is going to be a beautiful site to behold.
Wow, I didn’t think Obama would be a biter. And Hilary’s a bleeder.
We open with sweaty deliverymen erecting a phallic sculpture on the lawn of a Wisteria Lane resident. Surprisingly it’s not Edie’s upgraded, post-op, “vaginal” stretching apparatus, it’s a sculpture purchased by Neil and Bob….I mean Lee and Bob while on a trip to Finland to visit their artist friend Tom. The gays are pleased with their erection, however the neighborhood ladies are not, but are they ever? The core group, sans Lynette, are critiquing the monstrosity with the help of Katherine and Ms. McCluskey, and trying to decide how to delicately tell their new neighbors that they are the only gay men in the world with no taste. Katherine recommends that they involve the Homo-ners association but is informed that no one accepted the job of president after it drove Mary Alice to blow her brains out. Katherine gladly chooses to run since it will give her a feeling of power and a diversion from brain washing her daughter and sniffing her husband’s fingers every night when he comes home from work. Susan tries to convince the group to simply talk to the gays before becoming an angry mob. Miss McCluskey recommends Bree talk to them since she can relate to the gays, considering she has a “son that came flying out of the closet and a husband that’s been looking for the doorknob.” I. LOVE. YOU! I am SO gonna be her for Halloween.
Bob: Is gay life as exciting as you thought it would be?
Lee: Yea, not so much.
The gaybors come out of the house and are immediately approached by the ladies. As Miss McCluskey swings a chain ready for a rumble, Katherine informs the boys that their sculpture is an eye sore. Susan pipes up, in a feeble attempt to win over the boys who still hate her, and says that her many years of community art college taught her that art is subjective. “Ya see, they wanted me to draw a turtle in a hat for the admissions exam, but I drew a turtle in a sombrero.” Katherine dismisses Susan’s desperate need for approval, and informs the boys that Wisteria Lane has a traditional look and that angular, sculpted monstrosity forged with pliers and a blowtorch has to go. Susan starts to walk away in shame before realizing that Katherine was talking about the sculpture. Bob says that he had hoped everyone would like the piece but he now hopes that everyone will respect his right to decorate as he sees fit. The boys skip away and Katherine declares that the homo-ners association is being reconvened with her running unopposed as President.
The next morning Bob and Lee are admiring their new erection, before turning the crank to make it spew forth like a beautiful fountain. In fact it is a fountain, as well as a piece of art, and the rain on a tin roof sounds awakes Susan and Mike from their dreams of better people. Susan proceeds outside to plead with the gaybors to turn off the water, without putting on her make-up. After the screams subside, and Lee is pried down from the tree while screaming “el Diablo!” Susan begs them to turn off the noisy fountain. Lee denies her request saying that they need the noise to drown out all of the sounds coming from her house. “You yacking on the phone to your mom, you grunting through your Pilates DVDs, Mike screaming ‘dear God, get it off’ every morning.” Lee and Bob frolic away from Susan as she continues to scream about the sound.
“I’ll get you my pretties, and your surprisingly large dog too!”
At the Scavos, all of the children are playing in their tree house. Well, Tom and Lynette told the kids it’s a tree house, but it’s really more of a cage with razorwire. Lynette is bringing them a fresh bowl of gruel when the gingers and the future whore, ask Lynette to play space station with them. Lynette begins to give her best Optimus Prime impression when her cell phones rings. It’s her doctor delivering good news that her cancer is receding and her stickectomy is still scheduled for next week. When Lynette hangs up the phones her kids inform her that they took a vote and there is no cancer talk allowed in the cage. “We know it’s a cage mom. We’re not stupid.” Lynette acquiesces and smiles, pleased that the kids have found a safe haven from her illness, and the sun.
“Day 47 of my captivity. I hear whispers that the boys will soon kill and eat me, yet still the bald woman does nothing. I fear I shan’t live to be the whore my mother always wanted.”
Agent Cooper is packing a muffin basket to take to Danielle when Bree finds out that Danielle’s grandmother bailed her out of the Sister’s of Charity Home for Wayward and Easy Girls. Bree calls Phyllis and leaves an angry message as we see Danielle teaching her grandmother how to play Virtual Valerie on the PS2.
Back on Edie Street, Carlos is packing for his annual golf outing with his buddies as Edie begs him to let her come along. Carlos tells Edie that there are only 3 rules at his all guy golf weekends: No plaid pants, no women and the last one to shoot has to eat the cookie. Before he leaves, Edie gives Carlos a box of golf balls monogrammed with her initials so that no one forgets whom his balls belong to. The Science Department of San Juan Research and Medical Labs.
I pictured them hairier.
Meanwhile Gaby has the neighborhood boys tending to her garden, getting ‘em younger and younger these days. Carlos calls to inform her that he escaped Edie’s man-hands and is ready to meet her for their secret rendezvous. Gaby notices a suspicious van parked across the street with “Not a Private Detective, Go About Your Business” written on the side. She asks one of the boys how long the van has been parked there and the kid replies since she took little Timmy in the house for “Jesus juice.” Gaby realizes that Victor has hired a private dick to spy on her while he was out of town. She informs Carlos of Victor’s keen instincts but says that’s it not going to keep her away from his huevos rancheros. Gaby devises an evil scheme to escape by inviting all the kids in the house to get paid for their services, and while inside she strips one of them down, as usual, and leaves the house with the boys dressed as a little boy. They don’t show it, but we know there’s a kid wearing skidmarked whitey tighties standing in her kitchen thinking he just scored.
“Now be a good boy and run to the Piggly Wiggly and pick up Momma a pack of smokes and a bottle of Schlitz Malt Liquor Talls.”
When Gaby arrives at the hotel, Carlos is waiting for her in the lobby with a giant notebook over his lap. Before Gaby can make her way to his side her former gardener, and butt monkey, John and his newly pregnant wife, intercept her. They exchange pleasantries and talk about her new role as Latina Liaison and First Mayoral Lady. John’s wife’s daddy is a good friend of the Mayor’s, so Gaby realizes that if John sees Carlos there, crapola is going to hit the fan. Luckily John is too overcome with drooling and touching himself while saying “touch the pretty lady” to notice Carlos, and Carlos is too far away to smell the blend of cheap gin and failure to realize Gaby is talking to John.
“Yep, we’ve been married about a year now and everyday a little piece of me dies on the inside.”
Bree and Agent Cooper go on a rescue mission to bring Danielle back from the clutches of her evil Grandmother. They forcefully enter Phyllis’s retirement condo demanding that she release Danielle so they can return her to the convent. Danielle informs them that she turns 18 next week and is an adult able to make her own decisions. They can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to anymore, and neither can those creepy old guys at the bus station. She skates across the room on her Heely’s and plops down on the couch to watch That’s So Raven. Bree tries to inform Danielle that she can’t realistically expect to deliver and raise a child in a retirement community, but Danielle says she won’t allow her child to be raised by a cold, emotionally unavailable woman like Bree. She’s got a point there so Bree and Agent Cooper reluctantly leave Danielle who immediately texts her BFF Jill.
“I am so a grown-up you big fat turd!”
Next we see the gays scouring the neighborhood looking for advocates. Instead of finding a magazine they come across Lynette and try to convince her to stand on their side of the great Phallic Sculpture war of Aught Seven. Lynette informs them that the great thing about cancer, other than the popsicles, is her ability to stay out of petty neighborhood squabbles. Bob tells Lynette that she may think it’s petty now, but she won’t when Katherine comes after her fence, or her swing or her tree house? Lee tells Lynette that if she doesn’t take a stand then she is as guilty as the Germans who stood by idly as the Jews were taken to the camps. Bottoms are so dramatic.
“Then they came for the tops and I did not speak up because I was not a top. Then they came for the power bottoms, and there was no one left to speak up for me.”
Lynette joins the homeowners association meeting, already in progress. Ida Greenburg is high on righteous indignation and homophobia when Lynette pipes up and asks Katherine if she plans to stop her reign of terror after the removal of the fountain. Katherine assures Lynette that she won’t go after anyone else’s yard gnomes as long as they meet the associations guidelines and aren’t too gay. Lynette tries to make Katherine promise to leave her kid’s cage/tree house alone, but Katherine can’t do that since it’s not up to her, rather the group vote. There’s also a picture of Antonio Banderas in a thong airbrushed on the side, making it pretty gay. As Katherine politely asks someone in attendance to second her nomination, Lynette raises her hand, but pulls the old switcheroo and says that she’s actually throwing her head scarf in the ring to run against Katherine.
Later that day Tom expresses his concern for Lynette taking the time and energy to battle Katherine instead of her cancer. Lynette assures him that she can handle it, and if anyone is going to be a raging bitch in the neighborhood it’s going to be her, and sometimes Andrew. And occasionally Lee. She tells Tom that a tumor is a tumor, whether it’s in your body or living across the street. OO, some insight into the street’s layout. Thanks, Lynette.
“Keep talkin’, Tom and I’ll take the other one.”
Meanwhile at Casa De Bang Me, Gaby exits the bathroom wearing sexy lingerie meant to arouse Carlos. Carlos is lying naked in bed, sweating like a paperboy and gripping the sheets trying to think about baseball. He asks Gaby why she insists on taking time to put on outfits that he is just going to rip off with his teeth? Gaby says that they make her feel delicate and feminine right before a knock on the door signals the delivery of her chili cheese fries. As Gaby rushes to the door, John thoughtfully yells to alert Gaby that it’s actually him on the other side. Carlos is reluctantly ushered into the closet by Gaby to hide. When Gaby lets John in, he instantly begs Gaby to take him back since his current wife is like Legally Blonde without the law knowledge or catchy musical numbers. Gaby tries to graciously decline his offer and push him out of the door quickly as John rambles on about all the times he did her, the various positions in which he did her and times that Carlos almost caught him doing her. John recounts one particular incident when Carlos came home early, causing John to hide in the closet while Gaby faked an orgasm to get the sweaty man-beast off of her. Gaby shoos John out of the door and tells him to go back to his wife before Carlos comes out of the closet (about time) seething with fiery Latino anger.
Now he walks to the closet. He’s close to the closet. He’s opening the closet. Then I pull out my gun!
Carlos begins to get dressed so he can rush home to his future hus-tran, while spouting expletives about Gaby’s past betrayal. Gaby tries to remind Carlos that her affair with John is in the past, during the hay-day of season one, but Carlos is still angry about the way she mocked and betrayed him during that time. Gaby informs Carlos that John didn’t do anything to him that Carlos isn’t currently doing to Victor. Carlos refuses to see the similarities until Gaby points out the closet-hiding, affair-having, sneaky afternoon rendezvous boot-knocking similarities. Carlos is left speechless before leaving in a juff.
Back on Wisteria, Lynette approaches Susan for help in campaigning against The Third Reich. Susan stumbles on her words before finally confessing that she is backing Katherine only because of her pro-sleep, anti-fountain agenda. Lynette tries to use her cancer as a guilt trip and Susan nearly falls for it, as long as Lynette will promise to get rid of the fountain and buy her a pony. Lynette says that she can’t promise that because her stance is that of personal freedom and wants to allow the fountain to stay and gays to marry. Susan angrily tells Lynette that she can’t support anyone that doesn’t back her God given right to sleep until noon.
The next day Lynette and Katherine pass each other on the sidewalk, both on their way to campaign for their impending presidency. Lynette looks over her sandwich board and stops ringing her bell long enough to comment on the low-road Katherine is taking by bringing the voters cookies. Katherine calls out Lynette for donning her best cancer scarf to earn the sympathy vote.
Next up we see a montage of Katherine and Lynette pulling out all of the stops to earn their neighbor’s votes. We see Katherine changing a fat guy’s tire, Lynette cleaning some chick’s gutters, Katherine applying pasties to Miss McCluskey for her night job, Lynette shaving Edie’s balls, Katherine go-go dancing for Tom, Lynette doing the Charleston for Ida Greenburg, Katherine painting swastikas on synagogues with Bree, and Lynette standing in line for Kelly Clarkson tickets for Lee and Bob.
I know this is a very particular niche market, but here’s a picture of a couple gingers rubbing Miss McCluskey feet if any of you are into that kind of thing.
Back at the Van Death Camp household, Bree is too upset to eat the Duck Confi with scalloped potatoes and rosemary ginger salad she made for an afternoon snack. She’s sad that she won’t get a chance to screw up another kid since Danielle’s maternal instincts have finally kicked in. Andrew looks up from his Black Inches magazine to scoff at his mother’s ignorance. He informs his mother and Agent Cooper that Danielle only cares about three things: 1) Danielle, 2) having fun, 3) and cock fighting. Compared to Bree’s offer of a minimum wage job and community college, life in Phyllis’s retirement community is looking pretty sweet. Andrew tells them that if they want that baby, they need to outbid Phyllis and possibly buy her a new rooster since Little Latin Lupe was tragically killed the previous weekend.
“By the way, Bob and Lee invited me over to help them test out their new camera equipment in the basement. Don’t wait up.”
Next up we see Carlos knocking on John’s door, hopefully to go for a ride to see what all the hubbub is about. Instead, Carlos has come to forgive John for banging his wife during season one. John tells Carlos that he didn’t just bang Gaby, he also banged her in the butt. And fell in love with her. Carlos graciously offers forgiveness for those things too and tells John that he recently realized how loving someone, and cart blanch on butt sex, makes you forget the difference between right and wrong. Before Carlos leaves, John asks him if he knows if Gaby is happy. Carlos nods knowingly and assures John that she is fully satisfied in every possible orifice.
Election day is finally upon us as Katherine and Lynette stand before the residents of Wisteria Lane with Miss McCluskey acting as proctor. Bob whispers in Lee’s ear telling him that a proctor isn’t what he thinks, so Lee pulls up his pants and raises off of the arm of the chair. Miss McCluskey calls for those in favor of Lynette to raise their hand, and Susan, being a good friend, fights the rheumatiz and cranks her arm high. Miss McCluskey then asks those in favor of Katherine to raise their hand, and Susan fakes a yawn and casually raises her liver spotted hand again. The count comes out 14 to 14, and as the group debates how to resolve the issue, Edie informs everyone that it wasn’t a true tie since Susan voted twice. Miss McCluskey reminds Susan that she only gets one vote, but understands how it’s easy to get confused at Susan’s age. Susan is forced to make a decision and after a long pause, she finally sides with Katherine. Katherine is ecstatic about her victory and immediately tells several residents that she will be in touch regarding their various infractions, including Lynette. “Hey I can’t help it! My kids just look that way! O, the tree house. Right.”
“Listen, this whole gay thing isn’t really working out like I thought it would. I need a real woman. You up for the job?”
Back at Shady Pines, Bree and Agent Cooper are brunching with Phyllis and Danielle under the ruse of putting bad feelings to rest for the sake of the baby. When Phyllis excuses herself to check her colostomy bag, Bree and Agent Cooper pounce like jungle cats, telling Danielle how proud they are that she has chosen to raise her spawn all by herself. Danielle says that Grandma will help, but Bree reminds her that Phyllis has a weak heart and a great big fat ass. Danielle may end up taking care of a baby and an infirmed old woman. A dapper gentleman then strides by wearing a wicker hat and a thong showing off his full package, all 90 years of it. Agent Cooper reminds Danielle that she should get to know her neighbors since she could learn more from their many years of experience than she ever could at that stupid party school in Florida. Bree and Agent Cooper remind Danielle that she will be surrounded by unconditional love, which is much more important than being surrounded by frat boys that only want her for the convertible they had planned to buy her. As water aerobics class begins, Danielle begins to realize that perhaps she should go to college since it’s hard to support a child without a degree, and a convertible, and 7 to 10 frat guys. Bree reminds Danielle that she can’t raise a baby in a dorm room, so she would need to leave it with someone she trusts who can raise it properly. Game. Set. Match.
Phyllis’s retirement home isn’t that bad.
Katherine brings her husband a glass of champagne to help her celebrate her victory over that cancer-bitch. Adam declines the beverage saying that he’s not feeling very celebratory since Katherine’s win was just another move in a long line of ways for her to have total control over everything around her, including him. Katherine reminds Adam that horrible things can happen when you lose control, just like they did in Chicago, obviously referencing the time he got kicky while touring Mrs. O’Leary’s barn. Adam reminds Katherine that he also learned in Chicago that when the chips are down, it’s good to have friends, and Katherine hasn’t been making any lately.
Danielle is packing up to leave while Phyllis pouts on her platic-covered sofa. Bree tells Phyllis that a girl willing to trade her daughter for a convertible obviously isn’t ready for motherhood. Phyllis has faith that Danielle would have changed once the baby came, since Bree’s maternal instincts kicked in after she had children, or at least they’re bound to some day. Phyllis begins to ramble on about all of the things she’s lost through the years: her youth, her beauty, her son, her family, and her film career. Before leaving, Bree has a sudden change of heart and invites Phyllis to baby-sit when Bree and Agent Cooper go to their whites-only country club on Saturdays. She says they will simply tell the neighbors that Phyllis went broke and needed the money just so they can keep up the charade.
“O, bother. I was going to teach Danielle how to eat a quart of ice cream and fall asleep on the couch while the dog licks her sweaty feet. It’s kind of my thing.”
Carlos shows up at Gaby’s house with a serious expression on his ruggedly handsome face. He tells Gaby that it’s time for them to end their affair, and ditch their respective men. He recommends that they bite the bullet, leave Victor and Edie and after a proper period of mourning, publicly rekindle their relationship. Gaby doesn’t want to go the industry standard 6 months without their prison-rape fantasy nights, but Carlos says that he needs to feel he’s done the right thing. Gaby realizes she’s having an affair with an honest man and accepts his offer, taking in one last kiss before their long dry spell. As they dry hump, the private dick in the bushes snaps pictures with his night vision camera, while holding a jar of Vicks Vap-O-Rub and a copy of Guns and Ammo.
Susan comes over to Lynette’s house to make nice for pulling a Judas at the election, offering to chain herself to the tree if anyone tries to touch it. Edie spills the real reason behind her love of the kid’s cage, besides watching them dance when they touch the electric fence. She tells Susan that it’s the one place her kids can go where they don’t hear about body scans, or white blood cells, or Daddy screaming the safety word when Mommy loses herself in the moment. As Susan and Lynette hug, Katherine walks over to put a damper on the festivities. Before Lynette can cut her down to size, Katherine tells Lynette that she’s not going to come after anything in Lynette’s yard except the occasional newspaper really early in the morning. Katherine tells Lynette that she sees how much the tree house means to her and just wants to be a good neighbor. Lynette goes all Lynette and tells Katherine that she’s a confusing exercise in dichotomies, being a raging bitch one moment and a sweetheart the next. Lynette finds her complicated, and Katherine agrees saying that she’s had a very complicated life.
“Susan, honey, you’re cheekbone’s digging into my skin. Seriously, OW!”
Edie is seen telling a stranger how the pain isn’t the worst part of being betrayed, it’s the hate. And the syphilis. The man to whom Edie is confiding is none other than the private dick that Gaby and Carlos thought Victor had hired. And he’s black.
“Seriously, if I could just get my check and get the hell out of here. Black folks don’t do well on this street.”
When Katherine comes to Neil and Bob….I mean Lee and Bob’s house to tell them to have the fountain removed at their earliest convenience, she is metaphorically smacked down by the gays who tell her that the fountain is not going anywhere. It seems Bob’s ex is on the Board of Chicago Memorial Hospital and he knows everything that took place there. Katherine attempts to deny the story, saying that whatever they heard is a vicious lie. Bob tells her that be that as it may, if the story got out it could make her life on Wisteria Lane very uncomfortable and she may have to flee in the middle of night again. Katherine tucks he tail between her legs and walks home without saying another word. It seems Katherine may have won the battle, but Lynette and past indiscretions may win the war.
“Watch your step, gays, or I’ll have my husband give you a lobotomy just like he did to my dau….I mean. Cookies? Who wants cookies?”
So what did you think? What the hell happened in Chicago and why does Dylan have such beautiful, lustrous flowing hair? How will Edie take her revenge on Carlos and Gaby, and will it be considered statutory? How much you wanna bet that Danielle’s baby is gonna come out black? Can’t wait to see Bree applying Lancombe to a newborn. We have time to kill before the erroneously late Halloween episode next week, so tell us your thoughts.