I think it’s safe. Wait, well, maybe. You just have to be careful about who you are talking to and where you are. But I’m pretty sure it’s okay to say that you like Desperate Housewives again. Recently, enjoying an episode of Desperate Housewives, has kind of become like hooking up with the homeliest girl at the bar. You don’t want anyone to know, but yet you privately relish the thrill of the conquest. So it is then my job, to tell you that if liking an episode of Desperate Housewives is wrong, this week, I’ll bang all the Rachel Dratches in the world, cause this was a fine hour of television. But I said be careful, last week, we were delivered a real stinker of an ep, so who knows, but with this episode hitting season highs and next week involving a hostage crisis, I’m relatively confident that the upward incline this show is on will continue. Until sweeps, at least. Find out why, after the jump…The opener this week is all about Edie. And in a newsflash: She’s a whore! Okay, not a whore, just a woman who enjoys carnal pursuits… For money! No, seriously, I liked slutty Edie so much better than neutered Edie of the past two seasons. In what I assume is supposed to be funny, we see her head to her weekly confession, where she tells her priest all about her sexual exploits. “I had sex with a circus midget!”, “I let a man shave my testicles!” etc. However, something funny happened on the way to Slutville, as Edie went to visit Mike Delfino, who finally asked her what the deal was between them pre-coma and she decided to come clean. Alright, maybe clean with a side of guilt trip, telling him that they were neighbors only and he never really paid attention to her. But in her defense, right here she has the opportunity to really play the manipulation card to the tilt, and yet she shockingly tells the truth. It’s a tender moment, because upon closer examination the rivalry between Edie and Susan for Mike’s affection was only ever really between Edie and Susan; Mike had picked SkeleHatcher from nearly the beginning. Edie then somewhat inexplicably tells Mike that from the first moment she saw him she “sorta fell in love with [him]“. A little too much? I mean, honestly, she was engaged to Karl all last year, so now this “Mike’s the one” nonsense is kind of hard to swallow. But it is nice to see Nicolette Sheridan shave her 5 o’clock shadow and play Edie a little more vulnerable for a change. Then something miraculously awful happens. Edie asks Mike if next time he sees her outside on the street, if he could just look at her, because he never did before. And Mike says… are you ready for this? “I’m looking at you now!” followed by some tongue kissing. I can’t quite type it in the gravelly “serious” voice that Mike does, and I certainly can’t sell it like his current Somalia orphan-chic look can, but let me tell you it’s woefully, unintentionally HILARIOUS. Slightly more intentionally funny is when Edie next goes to confession: “Mike Delfino and I made out today… and it was great!” And she’s giddy like a little school boy. I mean girl. School girl.
At the Hodgepodges, we are informed that Bree hates unexpected visitors, as we see various people dropping by, like some religions nuts or unexpected family members. Hmm, I wonder if when Andrew came back from shooting his scenes as an extra in The Basketball Diaries (if you’ve seen the movie, you know what scene I’m talking about…) she made him beg for change, head to a phone booth and call in advance. However, today’s unexpected rat-tat on the door is from Crazy Aunt Jackie, cleverly disguised as Orson’s former neighbor turned
conspiracy theorist nutcase, Carolyn Bigsby. Carolyn isn’t looking particularly crazy, and while I, myself mistake her for Aunt Jackie from time to time, I think that actress Laurie Metcalf is more closely channeling her inner Debbie Salt. She’s accompanied by her doting husband, Harvey, who we know is no good, because he’s played by the same guy who made Matt cut off his tranny friend’s penis on Nip/Tuck last year. You see, Harv brought his unstable wife (fresh off illegal Mexican anti-deps) to the Hodge house so she could apologize for being such a nut bar. Harv and Orson used to totally be BFFs, so Bree decides to accept Carolyn’s forced apology. She even goes so far as to half-heartedly accept a tentative dinner invitation by the Bigsby’s. However, once the Bigs’ are out of sight, Bree, nay, KimberBree, informs Orson that she’ll be glad to go out to dinner with Carolyn when, to paraphrase Wayne Campbell, monkey fly out of her butt.
I don’t know how any of you are feeling, but I kind of like Ian as a new love interest for Susan, if only because I think that Mike is even more Snoretastic than ever. Let Edie have him. My feelings of sadness for actor Dougray Scott (I’ve mentioned it before, but here it is), I think he has tended to bring out the fun in Susan this season as opposed to the Dear-God-please-someone-gouge-out-my- eye-so-I-don’t-have-to-look-at-it anymore in her. This theory is about to be tested as Ian pops by the Mayer household and Susan, not wanting Ian to see her, hides behind her car with all her gardening supplies. Naturally, I’m expecting our stick-like heroine to be, oh I don’t know, covered in fertilizer by the end of the scene, but she remains mostly in tact. As Susan is hiding, my girlfriend Mrs. McClusky (ooh baby take out those dentures!) walks on by, spots Susan hiding and Ian idly knocking on her front door, and quite bitchily outs Susan from her hiding spot. What can I say? I like bad girls. Ian calls Susan out on hiding from him, but she
just says that she sneezed and one of her ribs cracked, so she was looking for it on the floor. Seriously, SkeleHatch, Nicole Richie made it okay to have an eating disorder WITHOUT having an eating disorder, you can too! Susan finally admits that she was hiding, but only because things with them ended so ugly last time they saw one another. Ian agrees, but he’s not there to get under her off-the-shoulder Flashdance top, but rather to invite her to a party he’s having so she can meet an editor friend of his. But he can’t resist (oh you wily British!) asking about Mike and Edie. Susan says things with Mike are “moving along” and gets a good zinger in about Edie: “She’s just a neighbor. She visits Mike after her Hepatitis C treatments.”
Carlos and Gabby are in the throws of their divorce proceedings when ZZZZZZZZZZ… I’m sorry I fell asleep because I just don’t care. The quick version is that Gabby wants everything and Carlos is fed up so he says yes. But Gabby knows Carlos too well to believe that he’d ever give in to her so easily. Something fowl is afoot. Oh and, Eva Longoria’s new hair really washes her out.
Tom has finally brought Lynette to the site of his new pizzeria, but he makes her close her eyes when entering. She can’t look with her eyes, but rather, only with her imagination. Sadly, for Lynette, she uses all her imagination up on wishing she wasn’t married to a lame ass, like Tom.
When she gets a look at the dump Tom has just leased she only sees the mess that it
is. Lynette is angry that Tom leased the space without letting her, and has had it up to here with tomato sauce and pepperoni. Tom again starts whining like a little bitch (err, sorry, channeling Isaiah Washington for a sec) about how Lynette was supposed to be supporting his “dream.” Oh yeah, that’s right Tom! I put dream in quotes! Take that. Lynette says she was going to support his dream… if it were a dream worth supporting. Game. Set. Match. Dude, you are totally Rodick to her Federer, when it comes to these bouts of spousal tennis. Tom decides to sleep at “the restaurant” (gotcha again!) and Lynette ain’t gonna argue with that!
Bree is now at the club with her doubles partner, whose name I didn’t catch. This means that I can make up a name for her, like Emma Sue Deuchey McGlintock Snooty Pants. Of the Connecticut Snooty Pants’. As they are chatting over lemonades, Bree spots her old friend Tish, who deliberately snubs ol’ Red. Maybe she found out about those Marcia Cross nudie pics (it’s the article not the pics. Although, and I quote, “The carpet does match the curtains.” Who says that? In a public statement. IN DEFENSE OF THE PERSON YOU REPRESENT WHO STOLE THE PICTURES IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?!). Regardless, Emma Sue Deuchey McGlintock Snooty Pants informs Bree that Tish and Carolyn Bigsby are friends. What a small world! Apparently, Carolyn is friends with everyone! Huh? You tell me that some crazy piano teacher locks her retarded son in the basement, and I say fine. You show me a scene in which Teri Hatcher eats a hamburger, and I say fine. You even make me believe that Danielle is in the running for Homecoming Queen, and not say, Carnival Center Ring attraction and I, once again, say fine. But here we are and you are telling me that Bree, who has nothing else to do in life except bake, psychologically scar her kids, do needlepoint and play doubles tennis at the Country Club, had no idea who the wildly popular and influential Carolyn Bigsby was? And, now that we’re talking about it, if these people all go to the same club, Bree had no idea who a) Orson was or b) about the mysterious, unsolved disappearance of a wealthy woman (Alma) just a few towns over? Lies! All lies! Okay, glad I got that off my chest, now where was I? Oh yes, Bree realizes that having Carolyn as an enemy is costing her major social points (not the dead husband and dead fiancée in only two years time? That has no effect on her plummeting street cred?), so she decides to make a reservation for four at the club, where the Hodges and the Bigsbies will dine in the center of the room for all to see!
Lynette is surrounded by her demon seed children, save for the little girl devil, who may have been sacrificed to appease the lords of darkness, when she is explaining to them that Daddy is on a time out. Because he sucks ass. Overhearing this is that bastard (it’s not mean when it’s true!) Kayla, who runs and calls her mom, The Babe, and let her know all about the marital strife the Scavos are going through. Looks like the Babe doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Solis house. Carlos all sweaty from work out. Got a package in mail. Locks it in drawer. Gabby suspiscious. Makes him take shower. Steals key to drawer. Finds contract and faxes to lawyer. Finds out that Carlos is getting new job worth a few million. Gabby only gets money if she’s still married to Carlos.
Susan is headed on over to the hospital to visit Mike, with Sunflowers in her hand and smiles in her heart. Unfortunately, Mike’s hospital room doesn’t come with a “do not disturb” sign, so Susan walks in on Edie giving Mike’s meatstick a wild ride.
Now this next scene is an example of how wonderfully right this show can get some things. Last week, I urged the writers of this and any show that will ever be in existence in the future of television to stay away from clichésso obvious that they are displayed in the guise of Austin, the bad boy nephew who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about a rat’s ass. So you can imagine my concern when I saw Lynette having some consolatory margaritas on her porch. Uh oh! Actresses getting drunk and bonding! 9 times out of 10 when someone on television plays drunk, it just falls flat. And yet here as Susan and Lynette are joined by Gabby on their tequila fueled feelings-fest, the show finally starts to pop again, ironically, just as it should hit its nadir. Scenes like this shouldn’t work, and yet, when you let the ladies of Wisteria Lane bond, and, gasp, underplay, great things can happen. And this comes from someone who loathed the entire run of Sex in the City, with the exception of that post-post-it break up episode (“YOU’RE SO BUSY!”), so believe me when I tell you that this scene is proof that Desperate Housewives can still be great. When it keeps Teri Hatcher away from canes and ice cream and pratfalls, of course.
Over the course of their conversation the ladies each learn things about themselves. Oh Margarita, you, most magical of all the liquors. Lynette admits to being a shrewish, monster of a wife (alright, I’m paraphrasing), who doesn’t want Tom to do what he wants. She only wants him to do what he wants IF it’s what Lynette also wants. That statement of self-realization alone erases 3 seasons of moderate repulsion towards Lynette. Gabby, for her part, proclaims that she’s still in love with Carlos, but since she’s already paid the lawyer, she feels she should go through with the divorce. Sensible. I like it. Susan, meanwhile, decides that Ian’s the one for
>her, not the Incredibly Shrinking Mike. Just then a cab comes by looking for neighbor Ida Greenberg (the second hottest lady on Wisteria Lane), and Susan snags it to go to IAn and tell him how she feels.
In Mike’s hospital room, Ernie Shaft Hudson is showing Mike pictures of dead Monique (the chick that Orson knew, the chick who was the body in the dirt at the end of episode one, and the chick who had Mike’s digits on her hand. Bitch really got around.). Mike, due to his short-term memory loss, has no idea who Monique is. Ernie Shaft Hudson finds this hard to believe, because Mike’s a cop killer and all. Also, because he’s got a problem with Whitey.
And now for The Babe. She’s finally making her play for Tom, as she has been totally Babeified by all the insider information that little Kayla has sent her way. She comes plied with her massive jugs, cheap wine and her finest Christmas table cloth fashioned into a dress.
As the night roars on, Tom is starting to get drunk, and The Babe is not only liquoring him up, she’s also building him up with compliments and the encouragement that Lynette just couldn’t muster. Tom’s buying it, until The Babe decides to take this to the next level by planting a wet one on him. Tom is outraged (bro, you didn’t see that coming?), and The Babe, crazy as she is, warns him against leading her on. She makes her Babexit, and Tom decides that it’s time to return home to his wife.
Susan arrives at Ian’s house, but oh boy, it’s the night of that party he had mentioned to her earlier. Whoops! So there Susan is drunk like Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah, telling Ian that she has the big feelings for him. She then runs to the bathroom and vomits on the book editor she was supposed to meet.
The Hodges and the Bigsbies are having a positively ducky time out to dinner, where no one has once mentioned the words murder, kidnapping or harassment. How lovely. And it’s nice for Dr. Giggles to finally be reconnecting with his old pal, Harv. Even Bree’s buddy Tish seems to be defrosted at the sight of Carolyn and Bree breaking bread together. All seems right in the world of the Wasps. That is until Carolyn and Bree go to powder their noses (an expression that has completely taken different form in the past few years thanks to the likes of Kate Moss). Carolyn, so effortlessly cool and calculating (take notes Bree) shows her new buddy, Bree, Orson’s “missing” wife Alma’s police report which she filed against Orson, complete with photos of bruises that he caused her while continuiously making her rinse and spit. Damn, dentists!
Things are getting just as murky outside the powder room, as Harv admits to Orson that he had an affair with a mystery woman named… MONIQUE! Incidentally, she has disappeared and Harv just can’t get her out of his mind. So much so that he keeps a picture of her in his wallet. That won’t arouse suspicion in your crazy wife, Harv, don’t worry. He shows the picture to Orson, and no doubt, it’s the same missing woman who seems to be connected to every man on or near Wisteria Lane.
Tom makes it home, and suddenly Lynette is sober as a judge. It’s funny when she says that she had a night in with the girls, the garbage bag clangs with the empty tequila bottles. Tom and Lynette admit equal fault in their squabble, and Lynette, once again, vows to be a better, more supportive wife. Immediately, after she heads over to The Babe’s and kicks her trollop ass!
After Tom told Lynette about The Babe’s tongue search of his mouth, Lynette comically (if not woefully over the top) kicks in her door. Let’s just assume that it’s some residual tequila strength, which has been known to help women pick up cars to save their babies and cause attractive people to power through sex with uggos in the storage closet of the local bar. The Babe is rightfully scared, because Lynette is a whirlwind of spousal fury. There is a quick second there where it becomes clear that Lynette is actually going to kill The Babe, until Kayla
wakes up and enters the living room, a la Kill Bill. Lynette tells the witness, I mean, child, to head back to sleep, but The Babe commands Kayla to stay put. Lynette decides to cut her losses and leave, but not before she gives The Babe the scariest hug in the history of man. Lynette promises The Babe, that if she ever comes near Tom again that she will do to her spine what she just did to her door. It wouldn’t be nearly as scary if she didn’t totally flip the switch and put on sweet Step Mommy voice to tell Kayla that she’ll see her this weekend.
Susan and Ian have the inevitable and awkward hangover talk, where it is confirmed that Susan did in fact mean it when she said Ian was the swellest. And that he’d have made a kick-ass Wolverine. TOM CRUISE HOW MANY LIVES DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN!?!?!
Meanwhile, Ernie Shaft Hudson gets an anonymous tip from Orson that Harv Bigsby was having relations with Monique. Later, Ernie Shaft Hudson takes this tip to Harv who admits to the affair, as a spying Carolyn watches from the window.
Carlos on the couch. Gabby calls him for help. Gabby needs help with zipper. Zipper doesn’t work. WHOA WHOA WHOA. Now you’ve got my interest.
Ok, I’m over it. Gabby seduces Carlos with a combination of garter belts and stockings. Post-coital, Gabby starts laying it on pretty thick about the two of them making it work. Carlos, however, can’t help but laugh. He knows that she knows all about the job offer that would leave her with $2 million bucks if they don’t divorce. The contracts were fake; he just wanted 1) sex and 2) to see Gabby’s face when the $2 mill bucks disappeared right in front of her. This causes Gabby to get enraged, and somehow, push Carlos out the second floor window of the house. It seems that her residual tequila powers held over until the next day. As Gabby is calling the police Carlos pulls a full-on Michael Meyers and disappears from the bush he fell into, able to limp back into the house. Finally, this messy divorce actually gets messy.
Mary Alice says something about something, and the evening closes with Edie playing naughty nurse for Mike. But the vision of Edie in the get-up gives him a vision. No, not of a similar looking blow up doll he once was intimate with, but rather of mystery woman Monique, the only ghost more ubiquitous than Mary Alice.
There we have it, in my opinion a bounce back from last week, and possibly, a season high. Although, the high probably won’t last for long, as next week is the much anticipated Grocery Store Hostage Episode.