Here’s a tip. When a police detective who suspects you of murder asks if you want to see a lawyer, say YES. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, Bree Van De Kamp, who we always thought was the smart one in the bunch (because prettiest and weirdest were already taken), makes the cardinal sin of virtually every perp Lenny Briscoe ever interviewed, or every skel Sipowitz ever beat up. But thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not all that happened this week on Desperate Housewives. We got to see an Oscar-nominated actress pistol whip a huge crazy guy, and Eva LongoriaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s first actual attempt at acting since she played Flight Attendant #3 in a March 2000 episode of 90210. But before we get started, the weekly sports anecdote to keep my testosterone levels in check. The Red Sox lost, but thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s OK because so did the Spankmees. A-RodÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s misfortune is my schadenfreude. My pick to win the World Series is the White Sox. You can take that to the bank. Now that thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s out of the way, on with the recapÃ¢â‚¬Â¦As the episode opens we get mother-in-law from hell Phyllis and good old Bree, in yet another fantastic black mourning outfit, going to Rex’s grave to leave some flowers. Bree is wondering about Phyllis’s faulty memory, to which we get a series of flashbacks where we see Phyllis’s “memory problems” all of which result in something bad happening to Bree. Falling down on a wet floor, sitting in a newly painted chair, etc. Only we only get the aftermaths of these mishaps so it’s kind of like watching America’s Funniest Home Videos the moment the video ends. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Marcia Cross take a digger? That would’ve made my night. Oh well. Once they reach the grave they are shocked to see that it is empty. When Bree wonders why in the world someone could do this, Phyllis then suddenly “remembers” that the insurance man came by the house while she was out and said that they were investigating the possibility that Rex was murdered, and she “forgot” to tell Bree. I of course was wondering how any show could write in a scene where the mother of a dead man could have her son’s remains disinterred without the wife’s knowledge or permission, but then I realized we are watching Desperate Housewives, and that would be like asking why the phasers on the Enterprise make noise in space. Some things just aren’t supposed to make sense. As Phyllis walks off we see her with her shit-eating grin, thus revealing that her memory is fine; she’s just an evil bitch.
Gabrielle meanwhile is standing in her window having her morning wet dream about her gardener/former lover John. Right as the fantasy is about to get good we get the usual “snap out of it moment” and Gabrielle then looks out to see that the gardener that she actually has is in fact Horatio Sanz’s father. I’m sure somewhere off camera Jimmy Fallon’s dad was doing something really unfunny and Horatio’s father started to crack up. I hate Jimmy Fallon (except for Taxi, that shit was hee-larious). She then pops in her car and heads on over to park across the street from John as he mows someoneÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s lawn and she sits in her car and ogles him. Come to think of it, her hands weren’t visible, so who knows what was going on in that car other than ogling. I’m thinking of a word and it rhymes with “plaster baiting.”
In slapsticky Susan land, she’s marching towards Edie and Karl’s house in her oh so wacky walk. When her “pseudo boyfriend because his son who he never knew he had tried to kill her” asks whatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s up, she says that Karl was supposed to return Julie by 6 and it’s already . . . 6:15. As she stomps up to Edie’s house she says that for all she knows there could be porn and drugs in the house. This would make things interesting, but then we look in and see Julie singing while Edie plays the guitar. And they all look happy, much to the consternation of Susan. She hates Edie so much she was wishing to see her knee deep in porn and drugs. So was I, but for vastly different reasons.
Over at the Scavo’s, Lynette comes home to find her husband Tom and son Parker playing catch outside the house. Tom then tells Lynette that tomorrow is Parker’s first day of kindergarten. Once Parker finds out that Lynette won’t be there to see her off on his first day because she has to work, the kid goes into super pouty mode and Lynette cracks within about 45 seconds and promises him she’ll be there. Tom tells her that she has just been manipulated, to which I can only say A-freaking-men. If growing up all I had to do was pout to get my way, I’d be the king of the world right now. Lynette has turned into Cartman’s mom.
At the police station Bree is demanding answers. Of course one of her questions isn’t “how did you get the authority to exhume my dead husband’s remains based on nothing but a suspicion without even notifying me, much less asking for permission?” Seriously, this plot hole is driving me nuts. The detective, played by that character actor who has made a nice living by being the perennial “weaselly bad guy” in films such as Ghostbusters 2 , simply says there were “anomalies in the report.” Bree then realizes what we’ve known all along: Phyllis is throwing her under the bus.
The next morning as Phyllis wakes up and staggers downstairs for her morning coffee, Bree goes upstairs and packs all her clothes. By the time Phyllis gets her coffee and a delicious English muffin (all those nooks and crannies!) she walks out to see everything packed up by the front door. Bree kicks her out right on her ass. This probably won’t help her with the police, it being suspicious that she kicked out her mother-in-law, but the police aren’t obeying the laws in this investigation anyway so what the heck.
Speaking of law enforcement, we then see Gabrielle visiting her husband in jail, where she is giving him a card for their anniversary. He admits that he forgot about it completely, to which Gabrielle gets pissy. He says that if this was a real marriage, she wouldn’t have cheated (eh, details). Carlos doesn’t understand. John said he loved her all the time. Which was more than what Carlos ever did for her, which was treat her like a possession.
Later on Gabrielle goes for another one of her stalker trips watching John mow lawns. Either this chick is into John, or the smell of cut grass gets her juices flowing. But before she can finish herself off she sees John and the decidedly older lady who owns the house go inside and start to bump uglies. Realizing that she probably now has a highly resistant strain of syphilis, she retaliates by cutting down the womanÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s bushes. Later when she confronts John, who keeps calling her Mrs. Solis, she finally realizes that he is a moron who would tell any warm hole he loved it if it meant he could stick something into it.
Over at the Applewhite’s, Betty is telling Matthew that he can’t make friends and he has to keep things on the down low. I’m not sure if this means Matthew is actually gay, or if it’s because of the guy they have trapped in their basement. Speaking of guy trapped in their basement, no sooner does she say this then BAM!, he comes crashing through the basement door and starts going nuts. Just when Betty viciously pistol whips him unconscious, the doorbell rings. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Susan asking her to help her with some piano lessons. You see, since she found out Edie and Julie will be working together at the local talent show, she decides to do what she does every episode and try to one-up her. Betty, who is out of breath because of the recent beating she just unloaded on the large black man trapped in her basement, says she doesn’t do lessons and tries to close the door. Before she does Susan notices the blood on her shirt and Betty says its just from her baking a cherry pie. Yeah, a cherry pie filled with brain matter. Those are tasty.
When they realize that answering the door with blood on their shirt and being out of breath looks suspicious, Betty later changes her mind and gives Susan some lessons. When she remarks about how loud Matthew keeps his music, we cut to the basement with Matthew with a boom blaster blaring hip hop as he reinforces the steel door. Enya would’ve been funnier, but I don’t write for the show…..yet.
At work Lynette goes in to talk to her boss Nina, played by the inestimable Joely Fisher and her mammary glands extraordinaire, to ask for an hour off work next morning to see her kid off to school. Nina tells her that she would love to give the people with families special permission to take time off work, but what about the single people who want to catch a matinee? Or maybe the people who’d like to take an afternoon off to get a haircut? Now at this point I know we’re supposed to look at Nina as the “mean boss,” but goddammit she’s right. Last episode she specifically asked Lynette at her job interview if her kids were going to interfere with her work and Lynette promised her that her work would come first. So Lynette should really just shut up because she dug her own hole here. And besides, it’s just the first day of kindergarten, the kid will manage.
After Lynette walks out of her boss’s office she sees the tech geeks playing with the teleconferencing equipment and gets an idea. She will give out the expensive company property to her husband so she can see her kid go to his first day of kindergarten on her computer screen. And just when you think Lynette couldn’t prove to be a worse employee, she then gets stuck in another jam. Once Parker gets to kindergarten, Nina calls her in for the morning meeting. So instead of going to the morning meeting, which is, you know, part of Lynette’s job, she devises a way to get out of it by banging the table to knock over Nina’s coffee mug and scald her thighs, thus ending the meeting. The amazing thing about all this is that Lynette is treated as the most “normal” of the desperate housewives on the show, since she’s the mom who is supposedly in a stable marriage. But I gotta tell you, she is the worst of them all. Every week she encounters a problem of some sort, and every week her solution to that problem involves her doing something dishonest and sneaky. Husband offered a promotion that will have him travel more and be away from the kids? Go behind his back and sabotage it, making sure he doesn’t get it. Husband won’t clean the house? Release a rat into the house forcing him to clean. And now we have Lynette’s boss doing the unspeakable. Telling her that she has to go to the morning staff meeting. How DARE she make Lynette do her job! The only course of action is to literally inflict 3rd degree burns on her legs so she could watch her stupid kid go to kindergarten on her computer screen. I would love to watch some live streaming videos from bigfatplumpers.com at work, but instead of physically injuring my boss so he’s distracted, I just wait until I get home. Call me crazy.
At dinner, Bree tells her kids that, by the way, they just dug up your dadÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s body to do an autopsy, now pass the roast beef. Not the best dinner table conversation I’ve ever heard. And she also mentions that she’s now the main suspect. Andrew says he doesn’t believe it since he doesn’t think Bree has it in herself to kill anyone. When Bree thanks him for that, he says it wasn’t a compliment. Andrew is nuts by the way.
Now that Susan has had some piano lessons she confronts Edie, who’s still in a cast from being run over by Susan in the last episode (those two and their hijinks!), and her daughter Julie. She asks Julie to decide once and for all who she should take with her to the talent competition. Since Julie has been put on the spot she obviously chooses Susan. But once the talent show arrives she has a last minute change of heart and 5 bars into the song stops, goes into the audience and apologizes to Edie about how sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s been acting. She then says that Edie should be the one playing up there, but when she does we realize that Edie sucks at playing piano. When Karl tells Susan that she must love this, she just smiles and makes sure heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s videotaping all of it. Especially the part where her daughter is being humiliated at the expense of Susan one-upping Edie. What is with these people?
Bree meanwhile goes to the police station and tells the detective that she will take a lie detector test to prove she had nothing to do with Rex’s death. She even agrees to waive the use of a lawyer as long as they let her kids watch her do it. Bad idea. Once the test starts, they begin to ask her questions she didn’t expect. No, nothing like asking if she ever called Omarosa the N word (that’s for all you Stern fans out there. A Baba Booey to you all), but asking instead about George the pharmacist. You’ll remember him as the guy who actually killed Rex by switching his medication. Bree of course doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know this but did have a brief relationship with him when she and Rex were separated last year. With the kids looking on, especially her psychotic son who promised that he would Ã¢â‚¬Å“get herÃ¢â‚¬? last season, they both realize that their mom was seeing someone else before Rex died.
Bree then confronts George at the local Walgreens where he hatches all his evil plans, and asks him to take a lie detector test to prove that they didn’t conspire to kill him. She then admits that she thinks she may still have feelings for him and that only by taking the test can they move on. And since this is a man with unlimited access to Viagra and K-Y jelly, he agrees to take the test.
Over in prison, Gabrielle decides to finally, truly apologize for cheating on Carlos. And we are treated to Eva Longoria’s 2005 Emmy tape. She tells him that she was being selfish, and she is truly and deeply sorry for hurting him. Her lip quivers, her eyes tear up. If you try and forget the fact that Carlos is a money-laundering criminal who beats people, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all actually quite touching.
As the episode concludes we see George taking the lie detector test. When they get to the question we all know the answer to, namely “Did you poison Rex Van De Kamp?”, he says no, and the lie detector doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t register any change. The man is so crazy he can even fool a lie detector. I guess you could say that he is one pharmacist with a prescription forÃ¢â‚¬Â¦EVIL!