DietTribe and the Case of the Drowning Women

Forgive me my trespasses, and also forgive me my delays. I’ve been in a booze and candy coma since the weekend, and those damn Phillies are keeping me glued to the television every night. Let’s hope these bitches kick some ass this week to make up for my tardies. And I mean the DietTribers AND my Fightin’ Phils.

Follow me!

We open with confession-cam, and a boy with an oddly shaped head and a woman’s voice starts talking about doing an open water swim. Who is he? OH, my bad, it’s Tiffany.

I look more closely, and again I’m surprised by how nice she looks when the hair is tamed a bit. It’s back in a ponytail, and she looks fresh. Makeover, makover, where are you? Anyway, she’s nervous about the open water swim they’re doing, “because the ocean is stronger than I am.” Doesn’t mean you can’t overcome, Tiff. DO IT! Also, why do you have a Minnesota accent?

Rita isn’t faring much better with confession cam and her fears of open water swimming. She needs to split the difference with Tiffany and jazz up her look a little. Also, here, she looks a little like Eddie Munster.

The ladies are two months away from their triathlon and getting their first taste of open water swimming. Jessie loves his v-neck shirts, doesn’t he? I guess with those bulging pecs, a crew neck would be too confining. He’s deliciously leading the women down the beach, and they’re all grim-faced. It’s like watching the Apollo mission walking down the gang plank.

They meet again with Diana Nyad, their swim trainer from a few weeks ago. You know, the one that delighted us all by making Jessie take off his shirt? Oh, the memories.

Also, he’s reminding me a little of Beavis today:

Anyway, Diana gets them to speak their fears aloud, and it’s all the usual stuff about not being in control, the ocean is powerful, etc. Mary’s all, “Bitch, please, I’m nervous but I ain’t skeered.” Well, we all know from the previews that she drowns, so STFU.

I’ve been in the Pacific surf, and it’s definitely rougher and colder than the Atlantic. But they only have to swim 200 meters. Once they’re past the breakers, they’ll be fine. And they’re in full wetsuits–should be warm enough. Jessie and Diana are the ones who should be worried–Diana’s iwearing a shorter wetsuit and Jessie’s just in swim trunks like any ol’ Joe at the beach. (But, as we all know, ten times hotter than any ol’ Joe.) They hold hands as they surge into the water.

Laneesa’s doing well, and kinda bragging a bit about being a strong swimmer, and honestly, she ain’t great. But compared to the rest of these bozos, she’s Michael Phelps. Mary quickly loses it, choking on the water slapping her in the face. It IS scary when that happens. Luckily, it’s not as bad as we thought, she just needs to get her head back in the game.

Steph helps Tiffany get through the swim, commenting on how she’s never seen Tiffany this anxious before. Stephanie really is a class act, and these sisters warm the cold cockles of my heart. Her mental grit is going to make her a front-runner, athleticism-wise. She’s awesome. Meanwhile, Mary’s literally crying through the whole swim.

Rita’s first out of the water, and Jessie scoops her up (literally) into a big hug. We get a clear shot of all his lats and traps flexing. Yummy. Laneesa’s next, and he gives her a much milder hug. Aww. Tall girls get no love. Or is Jessie RACIST?! Just kidding.

Mary’s last, and she bawls as Jessie hugs her. Okay, now *I’m* going to cry!!! Anyway, all of Jessie’s hugging and all of their crying reminds me of when my feet would cramp during swim team practice and the hottie coach would massage my feet, but I’d be in too much pain to be excited. Ah, 7th grade.

Now we’re at Knott’s Berry Farm, some amusement park named after a jelly or a cookie or both. Whatever, it’s Stephanie and Tiffany and their families. Tiffany’s like, “When we were bigger, we couldn’t ride these rides.” The kids don’t give a shit. But I do! I remember not being able to fit on rides when I was a fat-ass! After dinking around with the ferris wheel and such, the girls decide to ride the big rides with their kids. Their biggest concern is their asses fitting into the seats. But they do it! They get on the ride, and their asses fit! They even have some extra room! Yay!

The lesson here is that it’s a very different experience to head off to the amusement park with your kids and worry about what rides to ride next, not if you’ll fit on the rides. That IS a whole new worldview, and there’s more where that came from. I wonder if they’ve noticed yet how their car’s seat belt fits differently. (That was the first thing I noticed when I lost my weight.) Oh, and that they faced their fears. Like the show title suggests.

We head off to Laneesa’s house, which is actually her sister Domenica’s house. We see a photo of Laneesa’s parents, and I’m actually a little surprised to see that her mom is white and her dad is black. And Domenica is her (white) half-sister. Does race really matter here? Probably not, but I wonder if that adds to Laneesa’s feelings of marginalization, loneliness, and stifling her true self.

Cut to Laneesa singing to her 3-year-old niece, who’s a pain in the ass about napping. Laneesa is fully belting out that mockingbird lullaby (not the annoying one that Blossom and Joey or Harry and Lloyd did, but the classic version), and it’s no wonder the kid can’t sleep. Tone it down, lady! The niece looks bored and annoyed.

Anyway, the foreshadowing here is that Laneesa’s going to face her fear of singing in front of a crowd. Sigh.

Oh no. Group therapy. About facing fears. I have a fear that I’m going to turn into a white hot rage and stab someone’s face. Should I face that fear? Can we stop talking about fears? Or at least stop beating people over the head and about the face with it? UGH. I bet we also have to repeat some crappy commitment. Oh joy. (And if I didn’t already drink too much over the weekend, I’d challenge myself to a drinking game every time they used the word “fear” in this segment. I, however, gained seven pounds in Hallow’s Eve revelry, so no booze for me. Damn.)

(I prefer Jessie, version 2009.)

Stephanie talks about her roller coaster experience and comments that with everything they’re doing, she almost doesn’t bother to be afraid anymore–she just does it. I love it. I’m really rooting for Stephanie. Then Stephanie gets kudos from Tiffany and Therapist Stacy for how much she’s helping Tiffany, and I get a little teary.

Mary talks about how her fear in the ocean was an angry fear. No kidding. Of all the people to have a pissy response, it’s Mary. And hey, on dry land, she’s STILL pissy that the ocean swim sucked for her. Get over it! I want her to fear my fist and never get over it!

Oh, more weight loss journey talk, facing fears, facing challenges, yadda yadda. Rita was nervous in the swim, then was fine. Laneesa was fine in the swim, but hey, she’s afraid to sing in front of people. Random! Anyway, Stacy arranged for Laneesa to sing at a baseball game. Laneesa barfs.

We head off to a salsa dance lesson, so the girls can have fun, let loose, and see each other outside of the workout clothes. Tiffany’s interviewing from the parking lot, and maybe there’s a lot of traffic, but she’s shouting and a tendon in her neck is straining. Excited, much?

Rita’s wearing a white t-shirt under her little black dress, thereby ruining all sex appeal for the night. Everyone else is in their LBD finery, learning the basic steps.

Laneesa hates to dance, and Rita tells us that in a previous life, she would have laughed in your face if you’d suggested she’d take a salsa dance class. Now she’s more confident in her body and rockin’ out the…white t-shirt. The female dance instructor has a really nice, curvy body. I’m surprised none of the Tribers mentioned it–it kinda seemed to be a part of the point.

At this point, where is Jessie?? Frown.

Hey! Wish granted! We’re at the gym! Jessie’s there! We hear about how great everyone’s doing with all the cardio, but now it’s time for resistance training. Wait, didn’t we already cover this? My jackass screencap with the photo of Stephanie shooting dumbbells out of her cooter?

Anyway, we learn the finer points of resistance training–moving slowly, using good form. And we learn that it helps our bodies resist aging, and it helps with osteoperosis. Also, we have a triathlon in 60 days, bitches!!

Now Mary and Tiffany head off to a yacht club, called “Fanta Sea” (ick). They want to throw a big party for Stephanie’s 40th, so they’re here to get some info. The boat’s nice, and the woman showing them around is chirpingly annoying. They head inside for the tasting. Mary whines, “I don’t want to serve my friends food I haven’t triiiiiied.” Whatever. They eat a little of everything, and the captions helpfully tell us the calorie count of everything they’re putting in their mouth. I’ve been spooning fudge cake icing from the tub into my face, and I stop once I see all these calorie counts. Thanks, Lifetime!

Whoa, now I really hate Mary. Not only is she goading Tiffany into eating the cheesecake (like it’d be somehow bad tasting?), when Tiffany exclaims how good it is, Mary clutches her eardrum and makes a pinchy-faced comment about how everyone on the docks heard her. Yeah, we know, Tiffany’s loud, and I’m sure I’m bitchy to my own friends, but not on TELEVISION!

Mary says she hopes Tiffany’s not mad that she guilted her into tasting the cheesecake, and then rationalizes it by saying that’s how they learn moderation. I cannot WAIT until we get to weigh in and Mary’s crying because she worked SO hard and only lost 2 lbs. Wah wah wah! How does that cheesecake taste NOW, bitch?

Wow, I’m on a tear tonight. Sorry, girls.

Baseball game time! Where’s Laneesa’s puke bucket? The women head into the stadium, and Therapist Stacy is in effect, wants you to push it bad. She’s also rocking a lamb-collared coat amidst a mass of people in t-shirts. L.A., whattaya gonna do? I’ve heard it’s a real stretch to have to wear a coat out there at all, right?

Laneesa’s on-again BF is there to support her. Good for them. She nervously counts down the innings til the seventh inning stretch (which I can never think of the same way after seeing Naked Gun a zillion times–I’m LOLing right now!). The team CEO comes out to get her and she heads out onto the field. The announcer tells the crowd she’s from “Lifetime’s DietTribe” and you can tell people are like, “Who?” Whatever.

She sings. It’s great. Do it a few more times, and you won’t want to puke so bad. Done. Fears faced.

When she gets back, everyone’s ridiculously supportive (Lifetime!) and she can’t stop clapping and grinning. Aww. Seriously, though, at one point, they’re all sitting there calmly and then all spontaneously break out into applause and “yaaaaay!”. HA!

Weigh in. Goal? 30 lbs, or 6 lbs each. How’d we do?

(When Jessie says “tenth”, as in “this is our tenth week of our diet and exercise program,” you can hear the Texas in him. As if he could get any cuter!! Yeehaw!) He warns the ladies that this is typically a time when weight loss plateaus. I’d also guess that with the additional resistance training, their muscles are holding onto a little water. And of course, Mary and that fucking cheesecake. *claps hands* Let’s go!

Tiffany: Lost 4 lbs. She’s disappointed. Jessie tells her, “No worries, girrrrl. We’ll do a little, ahem, one-on-one to work off some weight.” (I think he just means personal training.)

Rita: Lost 3 lbs. She’s also disappointed. She starts to cry. Jessie gives her the cutest pep talk about how pretty she is, how hard she’s worked, it’s okay, she still has 6 weeks. He’s got a little “It’s okay!” grin that I love.

Stephanie: Lost 5 lbs. Not bad! She’s on track.

Mary: Lost 7 lbs. Seven!! SHIT. I wanted her to fail. Because I’m not a part of her DietTribe, clearly. Fuck.

Laneesa: Lost 6 lbs, and is under 300 lbs for the first time in, like 10 years. Her smile is great. Good for her!

Total loss for the Tribe? 25 lbs. Not bad, but no reward. But the ladies don’t let it get them down, because clearly they’ve all been doing what needs to be done, it’s just a matter of time and persistence. And having a not-so-great weigh in is fuel for them to super kick ass next time. Yay! And hey, it’ll be easier because next week’s goal is 25 lbs. Ah, we’re starting to slow down as the pounds come off. Makes sense…

Next week: It’s Stephanie’s b-day! Yay! Also, Rita announces that she and her hubby are selling their house to the bank. Boo! Jessie has ‘em run three miles, and weigh in has its usual shenanigans. All in a day’s work.

So, we all faced our fears, right? I mean, my biggest fear is icebergs, and I had no ability to face that this week, but I DID face my fear of throwing my remote through the TV if Therapist Stacy made ‘em commit something, so yay! What fear did YOU face this week?