DietTribe is on a mother-f***ing boat!

Episode 6: Starting Over

This week on DietTribe, we celebrate Stephanie’s 40th (on a motherf***ing boat) and Rita goes through some tough economic times. It’s a time of awakening, renewal. (Is it the makeover show I’m salivating for? no? DAMN IT.)
It’s Day 73 for the Tribers, and we open at Bally’s gym. Stephanie and Tiffany are working out together, pushing each other to greater heights.

You can really see the definition in their toning now–30 lbs or so down and all this work is really making a difference. And it’s only been, what, 3 months? Not even! Just goes to show you what a set of healthy habits can really do for you. (Most of us don’t have a TV show breathing down our necks as motivation, though!)

Tiffany explains how they’ve been showing up to the gym without Jessie, or much earlier than their scheduled time with him, which shows just how motivated they are to make and keep this change going. I laugh at how much Mary is struggling in the Captain’s Chair, until I remember how much I hate that damn thing too. It’s hard!

Jessie plops the women on a set of bikes, and I’m once again kind of impressed that they don’t commandeer a gym for this show–they just bring ‘em into the local gym and get to work.

Jessie’s paying special attention to Rita and Tiffany, since they are a little behind schedule with their losses. He appears to be doing interval training with them, and then he summons Tiffany for some one-on-one training. She says “i’m skeered” in a scary Ann Burrel growl (sorry to those of you without Food Network) and interviews about how hot Jessie is, but also how she wants to learn how to take care of herself for her lifetime. (Lifetime!)

He takes her to a standing heavy bag for some punches and core work, citing her aggression. Ha! It’s just the hair, Jessie! The hair, and the voice! Oh, and she’s very touchy-feely! Okay, you’re right, you’re right. She’s aggressive.

Next up is Rita. Since she’s NOT a bruiser, he takes her to a treadmill. She likes to run, and he’ll teach her how to boost her workouts. He spiced up her run with some sprint intervals and some hills. It’s meant to torch calories, trigger some major metabolism afterburn, and tone her ass and thighs. (Note to self: Intervals tomorrow before Total Body!) Whoa. Hold up. He’s got her at a 5.0 incline and 4.8 MPH. And she’s walking. I’m a foot taller than her and 4.8 MPH is almost a run….go Rita!! (Note to self: Walk at 4.8 MPH with a 5.0 incline tomorrow….see how that feels.) She’s really looking trim, even though she’s lost the least. (Remember, she’s smaller, so her goal is different–as Jessie tells us EVERY TIME. EYE ROLL.)

The girls meet at a cheapie patio table at the beach with glasses of water. Dieting is boring!

They ask Stephanie first about her single mom-hood. Then Rita’s like, “hey, uh, my husband and I are selling our house back to the bank.” Times are tough, and while they’re not behind on their bills at all, they just don’t have any extra money. Rita’s really calm as she explains this to the ladies, and I totally get that they’re following her lead. First question is if she’ll be moving away–nope, they’re planning to stay in the area. Still, holy stressful. Also, Tiffany really likes her hats.

Tiffany asks Rita if all of this has been going on the whole time. Yes. Yes, it has. Tiffany then asks her the diet’s role in everything. Rita’s grateful for the diet–she doesn’t have time to be all stressed out and mopey. And I’m going to guess that it gives her a sense of control where everything else has gone to shit. And, hey, she’s feeling more confident otherwise! Just think if she didn’t have DietTribe going on–she’d be in a tailspin. Yay, Lifetime! Saving people’s emotional well-being!

Stephanie tells Rita that good things come from tragedy–that it’s a blessing in disguise. I know this personally, too. My work PC got gobbled by a virus and I lost all my bookmarked links once IT got me back up and running. Can I tell you how freeing it is to not have 20 million websites to feel the need to check on every 10 seconds?

Now into Stephanie and Tiffany’s house, where they’re preparing a mini-apartment for their parents’ visit. They’re coming to town for Stephanie’s 40th, hooray! Stephanie makes sure we all know that she’s not depressed about turning 40–she’s too busy! Life doesn’t suck, so suck it! Her only blue moment here and there is flashes of loneliness. Boo.

Hey, now it’s time for shopping! It’s not a makeover, but I’ll take it. Really, it’s a necessity. They’ve lost so much weight that their old clothes no longer fit so well. So, off to Talbots! I’m already aching in my heart for Laneesa. She is NOT going to find anything there unless she goes only with skirts. (I’m assuming they have a Talbot’s Woman attached!) Yep, she just fondled a skirt.

I’m sorry, Laneesa. I couldn’t shop there at 300 lbs either. Tiffany rubs salt and lemon juice in the wound by shouting about how they’re actually looking at clothing with SMALL and MEDIUM tags on ‘em. Sigh.

Man, they can’t shut up about the size 12! I want to make a YouTube mash-up of it somehow, but I lack the skills. Seriously, though, enough with the size 12!!

Finally, Rita is trying on a little black dress, and it’s so cute on her! She looks amazing, actually. Cute is the wrong word.

Next up is Stephanie, who’s marvelling at the sizes she’s able to fit into. She puts on this busy yellow dress that is breathtaking on her.

More shots of the ladies trying on different clothes and trying out new sizes. I’m still feeling sad for Laneesa–I don’t think she gets to participate as much as the others are. She leaves with a bag, but…eh.

We come back to Rita and her husband, packing up and moving to the new house. Rita’s under a ton of stress, but she is again grateful for the diet. It’s prevented her from a lot of stress-eating!

Tiffany and Mary stop by, and we learn that Rita’s moving to Tiffany’s neighborhood. Well, that’s fun! Now they can do each other’s hair and makeup everyday, and my wish for the Rita/Tiffany splitting-the-difference will happen!

Mary’s bummed, though, because Rita’s moving away from her. Well, Mary, I hate to have to tell you this way, but…Rita and her husband weren’t having money problems, they just needed to get away from you. So suck. On. That. And actually, Mary makes a shitty negative joke to Rita about her new neighbors not liking her. Mary really sucks.

Oh, therapy time. Stacy, will you piss me off this week? Well, we’re already off to an annoying start. It’s one-on-one time with Rita, who’s swinging her foot nervously. They do that awkward “hi, how are you, I’m fine, are you really, cuz I know you’re not?” thing. Anyway, it comes out that Rita’s hubby also lost his job, which makes it all that much worse. So they’re living off her paycheck from the costume shop? ugh!

Anyway, therapy is actually interesting this week. Stacy’s asking Rita why she’s so “okay” with all this upheaval. Rita explains how different her mindset is since beginning her weight loss journey (gack!). She used to worry, worry, worry. Now she’s like, “hey, we’re all healthy, we have a good family, my friends rock….so what if I lost my house? Eh!” Rita says “journey” about ten more times. Next, Stacy asks her how she’s going to do with everything once the official DietTribe disbands. Rita admits that she’s nervous about doing it on her own. Stacy gets Rita to agree to call on her friends when she needs them, to ask them to keep her in line. Ah, peer support.

Okay, now for some fun…and some Jessie. Time for the Tribe families to play and compete together, which is Jessie’s way to show them that working out doesn’t have to be solitary nor does it necessarily have to be work. It can be family fun! One of Tiffany and Stephanie’s sisters, Courtney, is there. She looks totally normal. I mention this now, because later, we meet the freakshow that is the fourth sister … and the mom. Anyway, I’m skipping ahead.

Well, speaking of skipping, Jessie creates Family Field Day. The families split into two teams–kids against adults. We do team balloon races, we do dizzy bat races, we do potato sack races, we do water balloon tosses. There’s a shot of Jessie holding Tiffany’s cute little daughter, and my womb sheds a tear.

Ooh, Lifetime is combining forces with Match.com–giving healthy date tips on the screen during this segment. Well, thanks for suggesting I get sweaty on the first date, and in a totally wholesome way, LIFETIME. I’ll stick with beer and a smooch. (They want us to ride bikes on dates. Have you seen me ride a bike? Bring a towel.)

After all this, the ladies get to run 3 miles! Oh, happy day! It’s basically a boring segment, with the women running around a track 12 times. Not much to see, unless you like floppy boobs, sweaty ladies, and painful grimaces. I see enough of that at the gym (talking about my reflection, calm down), so I tune out a little. Not a surprise, though, that Rita is first and Laneesa is last. Oh, and Stephanie FINALLY ditches Tiffany to get a taste of her own success. I like it, mama!

Oh boy, now it’s time to meet the parents of the Clowny Sisters. I promise, it won’t disappoint you. Ready? Steel yourself. In preparation, Stephanie warns us about how her mother’s always had a weight problem, and how she’s arthritic, so it’s very hard for her to get around, which is sad. But…Oh God, it’s Liz Taylor’s obese twin coming through the door in a negligee and white robe. Seriously. Mom immediately starts sobbing and wheezing “oh my god! oh my god!” I wonder how long it’s been since they’ve seen each other–two weeks?

The family sits together in the living room, and Mom asks the strangest question out of the blue. “I wanna ask you somethin’. Are you happy? Could you possibly be as happy as I am?” Huh? At first I’m like, Wow, what a passive-aggressive borderline personality disorder bitch! But then I realize that she’s trying to compliment her daughter, or something. It’s weird. Steph’s sitting next to their dad, and I try really hard to get the screen shot of the two of them with their mouth open the exact same way. NOW I see where she gets her mouth.

Oh, did I forget to mention the fourth sister? She is FRIGHTENING. It’s like a younger version of the Mom, but with Tiffany’s hair and some monstrosity for a makeup applicator.

The brother is there too, and he looked kinda hot in photos until he walked in the door in his basketball gear and a careful Wham! beard. No thanks.

Tiffany and Stephanie talk about their weight loss to their family, and *I* feel awkward. It’s always tough to be successful and be PROUD of that without being an asshole, especially when your friends or family needs to lose a few themselves. I think I’m still learning the balance. Anyway, I feel bad for the fourth sister and the mom as Tiffany dances around. And the thing is, it’s only 30 lbs. That’s not, like, a LOT of weight. I mean, it is, but it’s totally doable. Actually, Mom asks Tiffany if Tiffany thinks she can get started on a similar program, and Tiffany is so warm and supportive. Great family, just…whoa with the hair dye, the makeup, and the fashion.

Time to get ready for the party! Stephanie’s dress is gorgeous–a black halter top/wrap dress with a flowy red skirt to the floor. Her rack looks great, though I’m momentarily confused by the Nike swoosh between her boobs. Oh, it’s a pin or brooch or something. She knows nothing about the upcoming party, just that she’s supposed to LOVE it. I hope she does!

The other Tribers start arriving at the party to get it set up before Stephanie gets there. Mary looks lovely in her black dress, but I HATE her fake ponytail. It looks especially trashy with her exposed tattoos. If I were her, I would’ve found a dress that covered those up AND I would have had age-appropriate hair. And I’m not even a mom! Also, I want to teach her about adverbs. Rita’s dress at Talbots fit her PERFECTLY, not “perfect”. Another example? The roses on the table turned out PERFECTLY, not perfect.

At home, Stephanie watches with horror as Tiffany sprays her crazy hair.

Then they leave for the party–Tiffany has rented a limo, for just the two of them! (I hope she sends it back for the rest of the family, cuz that’s kind of rude and a waste!) They have a little bit of sister time on the way to the big event, tears and all. They love each other. Sniffle.

They arrive! The boat is crowded with friends and Stephanie is thrilled! What a birthday! There’s a ton of girly screaming as Stephanie gets on the boat. But, man, what a loving crowd. These girls are doing something RIGHT.

Jessie arrives, in a suit, which is ruined by his loose tie. He would be fifteen–nay, twenty– times hotter if he’d just spiff it up a little more. I know ties suck, dude, but you look so good! Do it for US!

Anyway, he teases the ladies about watching what they’re eating and drinking, but he’s not there to be the party police. He just taps his temple and says, “Make good decisions!” and then it’s bombs away! He mows down an entire platter of those crab cakes and that cheesecake, washing ‘em down with butter-and-cream shooters. (They’re called Buttercreams. What, never heard of ‘em? All the hot trainers are drinking them. Jeez. Get with it.)

Now that his fat-tooth has been sated, Jessie decides to toast the birthday girl. He leads off with, and I shit you not, “Stephanie? The best way I can describe you is that you’re a woman.” WTF??! The crowd woos!, but really, WTF?! Then he goes off on a lame list of vague traits, like, “You have two eyes and a nose, and some hair. You breathe oxygen and excrete feces. Happy birthday.” Oh wait. No, he just says she’s independent, strong, a good mom, and a good person. I’m guessing Lifetime made him give this speech and he had no idea what to say. Poor Jessie. Come have a Buttercream shooter out of Panda’s cleavage like a good boy.

Stephanie saves the night with a heartfelt speech about how great her friends are, and how great she feels, and that this is the best birthday ever. Yay, happy birthday, Stephanie!!

Weigh in! Goal this week was 25 lbs–as we get closer to the end, their weight loss will slow and their muscle mass will increase. So, how’d we do? (Again, Jessie, time to acknowledge that we ALL KNOW BY NOW that Rita’s goal is different because she’s teeny-tiny!)

Rita lost 4 lbs, total of 21 lbs lost. Rita thinks the last time she weighed this little was when she was 19 years old. Aww! Then after a pause, she says, “I’m 34.” My friends and I are watching together this week (after having eaten Five Guys burgers and fries, leftover Halloween candy, and wine….girls’ night!), and we all look at each other in horror. Rita is 34??! WE are 34 (well, some of us are). We must be aging really well, or Rita must really be frumpin’ up the mom-wear a little too hard. I am honestly staggered by this. 34??!

Deep breath. Moving on.

Stephanie! Lost 7 lbs!! Happy birthday, indeed! She’s lost 41 lbs so far! Amazing!

Mary. Yay. She lost 6 lbs. Good for her. 40 lbs total. Next!

Laneesa lost 3 lbs, for a total of 41 lbs. Hmm. Not so great. The others assume she should be pulling bigger numbers, since she’s so large, so they’re all confused. Jessie doesn’t offer HER personal training like he did for Tiffany and Rita last week. What gives??

Tiffany’s turn. She lost… 6 lbs! Total of 35 lbs.

Group goal was 25 lost, and they lost 26! Yay! Congrats, team!!

What’s their reward? A family trip to Disneyland! Which is right down the street! Yay!

Now the music gets tense…Jessie’s raising the stakes. No more weekly team goal. We’re staring down the barrel of the triathlon and the end of the season. 50 lbs off each woman (except Rita, who’s got a different body type, REMEMBER?). The deal is: if they all complete the triathlon, they all get a 7-day cruise to Mexico! NIIIIICE! I’d like to think that since the triathlon is the only variable here that this cruise is in the bag, but who knows, Mary might drown, so maybe not! I guess we’ll find out soon, because there are only TWO more episodes left! Stay tuned! (I think Mary gets hit in the face with a softball next week! Don’t miss it!)