DietTribe: The Whole Enchilada

Don’t cry, but Jessie’s realm as Lifetime’s Hottest TV host is coming to a close. Oh, and the women whose lives we’ve all become so emotionally invested in? They’re about to wrap up their 120-day weight loss mission AND complete their first triathlon. What did YOU do this Friday night, hmm? The women kick us off this week with a softball game, back on their home turf. They’re excited to actually PLAY this time, instead of heading out to the field only to justify the beer and nachos afterwards. Mary explains that she’s been having trouble with her knee, so to save herself for the triathlon, she’s sitting out the game. She’s actually looking great here–especially after seeing the opening credits with the women at their starting weights just moments ago. Big difference.

Yadda yadda, softball game, people hitting, people catching. Our clowny Lifetime representatives are actually doing well–sprinting to the plate, hitting line drives past the opponents’ gloves. And guess what? They WIN! My question is, will they celebrate with pitchers (of beer) and wings? No? Lifetime disappoints me by not sharing how the girls celebrated their success. They don’t even talk about it!

Gym time! Jessie time! He heads into Bally’s and finds all the women on the cardio equipment. It’s the last workout before the triathlon!

Jessie reminds them of how far they’ve come: “I had you all run on the treadmill, you were all out of breath. Mary cried.” The women laugh and “oooooh!” Mary and I snort.

Jessie is so impressed with their gumption to get up and work out on their own, and now he wants the women to show him what their normal workout is–see what they’ve learned. He says to Tiffany, “Let’s start with you. Why don’t you take me? Take me through a workout.” If Jessie ever asked me, “Why don’t you take me?” I would rocket up into the atmosphere and shout down, “OF COURSE! THAT WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM!”

Tiffany shows Jessie the shoulder work she’s been doing. And damn, it shows. Her deltoids look great, and her collarbones are poppin’.

Rita is excited to show Jessie how she squats. (Aren’t we all?)

Mary shows Jessie her work on the Captain’s Chair. Jessie’s impressed.

Stephanie does the Superman on the floor (works the back), and Laneesa’s great on the seated row weight machine.

Jessie quizzes Laneesa on what muscles she’s working with the row, and she calls out her lats and her triceps, but she grips her deltoids as she talks. I don’t have much confidence in Laneesa’s knowledge of the human body. I’m also kind of annoyed that of all things, she shows him how to sit and use a machine. Eh. Not impressed.

They regroup in the fitness studio, and Jessie tells them that he’s setting them free. They all tear up.

Tiffany gives a speech about what she’s learned about her own body based on this experience–which is important, as she’s previously had gastric bypass, lost a shitload of weight, and gained it back. She tells Jessie that he’s a great trainer. He grins and says, “That means a lot to me. You’re givin’ me chills” and shows his arms. SO CUTE.

Then there’s that awkward moment where everyone’s gathering their emotions. *deep breath* Okay, bye now!

Oh good, we’re getting Therapist Stacy out of the way early this week. It’s another wooded trust fall event! This time, it’s zip-lining. I wonder if it’s the same forest that had the other jumpy platform thing. If it is, they’re all dumb if they didn’t know what was coming. Anyway, it’s funny because they’re just walking along and HEYOOO, some guy comes zipping through the air right past ‘em.

Also, for once, Stacy is NOT wearing a blazer! And she looks cute!!

Stephanie interviews to say, hilariously, “Oh crap. Another thing that’s high.” So many jokes!

Stacy explains that in the beginning, they “took a leap of faith”. And this time, they’re “going the distance.” I groan. Stacy goes first, to symbolically ‘leave them’ so they can motivate each other, without her, to do the exercise. GROAN! (I just typo’d “groin”, and boy it was hard for me to go back and correct it. How many times in your life do YOU get to write “GROIN!” in caps with an exclamation point? Yes, I’m an editor, which is why this amuses me.)

Stephanie goes first, mostly to get it over with. (She went last time, for the leap of faith.) I suspect the wanting to get it over with has a lot to do with the fact that all five of them, plus the zip-line worker, were all atop this rickety little platform. Fear of heights and all. Tiffany’s next, cuz, ya know, these chicks can’t be apart for a second.

Laneesa’s next, and she gives a pretty lame speech before she leaps. Even her scream as she takes off is pretty weak. Laneesa needs to get motivated! Rita’s next, and she immediately lays back into a flat-spin for the whole ride. Everyone’s absolutely AGHAST, which is funny.

After everyone goes, Stacy asks them all how it felt this time versus last time. The carnies are in the back, chewing gum and listening to these loudmouths yammer about their feelings. I feel bad for the women–I’d really have little to say with those chumps standing nearby.

Now the ladies are packing their transition bags for the race. Mary almost forgot her “tennis shoes”. (Can someone tell me, succinctly, the regional differences between “sneakers” and “tennis shoes”? Why would someone call a shoe they run in a “tennis shoe”? She ain’t about to play tennis!!)

Tiffany and Stephanie are packing THEIR tennis shoes, as well as everything else. Everyone is mega-nervous, which is to be expected. I can’t tell you how many times I check and re-check my lists and my bags the day before an event. I have the routine down pat, and so far, I haven’t forgotten anything for a race (knock on wood!), but I still check a zillion times. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t.

The women all meet at Stephanie and Tiffany’s place to convoy to the race site. They’re heading down a day early to get their race packets, get checked into the hotel, etc. Good plan. Stephanie and Mary get into a “who’s more nervous?” pissing contest, with matching vocal cadence and everything. Annoying!

Jessie and his amazingly muscled back (OMG) show up to the house in a plaid shirt. It’s not a Lauren Conrad-ish one, either, so there’s no uncertainty about how HOT this looks. He’s also in perfectly worn jeans and flops. OMFG, OMFG, OMFG.

Anyway, they take off in a black van again, but this time, no hootin’ and hollerin’. They’re all scared shitless.

Already, it’s race day!

I guess we don’t need any more footage of them being nervous. I, however, am a little disappointed to NOT hear how Jessie has them taper and fuel up for race day. I’d LOVE his input on the carbo-loading theory, as well as the advice to avoid any foods that’ll make you literally crap your pants during a race. (I once had a race morning filled with worry that I’d actually poop while swimming–not fun! Lesson? Don’t go too heavy on the fiber the night before!) Anyway, it’s 5:30 AM and everyone’s in their matching race outfits, ready to rock. I can’t tell if their faces are grim with worry or just tiredness. Probably both.

They set up their transition areas (bikes hanging from a rack, and your bag o’ stuff plopped down just-so underneath) as Jessie explains to us the length of the course. Quarter-mile ocean swim, 11-mile bike, and 3-mile run. There are over a thousand other participants on hand, and none of them gives a hoot about a Lifetime show or these crazy chicks. I can’t wait to see how the Tribers get along with the others on the race course. Mwahahaha. I hope someone taught them race/course ettiquette!

Stacy and Jessie are ever-present to help with the pre-race jitters and to deliver a pep-talk. They’re all wearing hot pink surf shirts over their wetsuits, and I imagine it’s just to help the Lifetime cameras find them in the water. Goofy.

Anyway, Tiffany is filled with self-doubt and nerves, and Mary starts to cry after the pep-talk. It’s just nerves. Get a grip. Later, Rita starts to get the willies, too. Stephanie says to them what I always say to myself, “It’s just exercise. You’re just going to work out for an hour and a half. Big deal.”

And…they’re off!

The swim start looks pretty rough. They have to dive the waves to get out to open water, and Rita loses her cap. Everyone’s in high adrenaline mode. It’s tense! I’m mostly amazed that the cameras stayed on shore and yet we could see everything that was going on in the water. The screen helpfully darkens around everything but our Triber, too, which helps. Now I appreciate those dumb pink shirts.

Laneesa’s first out of the water, and all the families are there to cheer the DietTribers on. It’s pretty cool. (Let me tell you, it’s a lonely race when no one’s there to shout out your name. Also, it’s a lot of dedication to be a triathlon spectator. There are flashes of the race where you see your racer, and you shout and ring your cowbell, and then….they’re gone for 45 minutes on the bike course. And it’s up to you to entertain yourself. I do it by people-watching my ass off. Always something fun/funny/inspiring/crazy to see during a triathlon! It takes all kinds!)

Anyhoo, everyone finally finishes the swim and heads out on the bike. Laneesa was first out on the bike, but her hip was really bugging her. Stephanie passes her, then Tiffany. Tiffany has the most awkward position on the bike that just PROVES that it’s not a good fit. Drives me nuts!

Laneesa’s still struggling, coming almost to a stop sometimes. Fellow competitors (not DietTribe women, mind you) keep cheering her on. THAT is what I love about triathlon–you’re competing against each other, and yet, you’re all in the same boat together and you encourage your competitors. As much as it’s nice to pass someone, if they’re clearly struggling, it’s not a victorious pass, ya know? Anyway, I still laugh when big guys in their aerobars pass the women like they’re standing still. Those bikes they were given are NOT fair!

Tiffany’s struggling with the last hill before heading back to transition, and she’s chanting “push yourself, push yourself.” Mary passes Laneesa, and Laneesa’s officially last among the group. And then she has to walk the last hill before transition. Aww. Methinks Lifetime’s trying to amp up the drama by making us think someone WON’T finish the race and they won’t get their cruise. I seriously doubt that. We come back from commercial and…Laneesa gets back on the bike and finishes that part of the race just fine. See?

Now we just have the run. I doubt I’ll have much material for this, cuz it’s, ya know, RUNNING. I’m sure someone will walk, and someone will comment about how hard it is to transition from the bike to the run. Someone will get a side-stitch, and someone else will tell us that it’s hot. Mary’s knee will act up, and so will Laneesa’s hip. And then they’ll finish and hug sweatily. Done. Now let’s watch!

Stephanie seems to be first through the run course, and she comments on how much it helps to make that turnaround at the 1.5 mile mark, to know that you’re heading on home. So true. So much of this is mental, and you HAVE to find those little mind games to keep you going. Knowing you’re almost there, even if you still have 1.5 miles to run, is an awesome feeling. Here, too, is when I start to chant “pi-zza, pi-zza, pi-zza” with my own footfalls when I’m racing.

Stephanie is first to cross the finish line, at 1 hour 56 minutes. She starts to sprint when she sees the finish line, and she raises her arms in triumph when she sees her family and hears their cheers. I raise a tissue to my face to wipe my teary eyes. It really is such an accomplishment to do a triathlon, and your first is so special. Unfortunately, they show Stephanie and her bat-wing arms in slo-mo, and the jiggling is pretty bad. (Which is why I won’t raise MY arms in victory while running, ha!)

Stephanie’s now waiting for Tiffany to finish. Tiffany sees the finish line and starts to cry as she runs. She finishes in two hours, one minute. She also finishes with jiggly victory arms. Hugs, hugs, hugs! Tiffany’s actually full-out SOBBING. Jessie keeps popping in to tell us how emotional the finishes are, and each time he warns us that there will be a lot of tears. How astute!

Next up is Rita, who also starts to sob as she approaches the finish line. She finishes in two hours, ten minutes, and 56 tears. Christ. Laneesa and Mary are still out on the course. Laneesa’s been battling a leg cramp since the bike, wondering at one point about even being able to walk. Well, she’s walking. She’s fine. Mary finishes next, tearing up as she hits the line. Yet another interview about how far they’ve all come.

Finally, Laneesa. She pretty much walked the whole course, from what I can tell, til the end. She jogs it home, finishing in two hours, 26 minutes. It’s not surprising to me that she’s the least emotional about her finish. She hardly seemed emotionally invested from the get-go, so, eh. “I finished.”

Well, show’s over! They all finished, and we all know that this means they get the cruise. What else is there? Oh yeah, the final weigh in. Well, one last shot of lots of hugs, tears, and interviews about their journey. I’m glad this journey is almost done!

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Wait, they, like, head right to the cruise ship! Like, in their tri clothes! HA! That’s fun! Anyway, I’m kinda marvelling about how they needed to pack for the triathlon AND for a week in Mexico. No wonder they were so nervous!!! Lord. Anyway, they still have two days til their final weigh in. I’m wondering if anyone did a little post-race celebrating. Ya know, some booze, some fried foods. No?

GASP!!!! They’re getting makeovers ON THE BOAT! YAY!!!!! Will I get my wish? Will 120 days of ocular torture be resolved with Tiffany getting a proper dye job? (Stephanie second, please!) For the most part, it seems they’re just getting basic haircuts and some touching up of roots. Tiffany’s stylist wants to go way short in the back, and Tiffany shouts, “That is SO ME!” But will you please fix the color??! I hope to God she doesn’t end up with the Kate Gosselin do.

Okay, time for the final weigh in. It’s aboard the ship’s deck, and the families are all there to watch. Jessie (and his stupid blue deck shoes) wants them to see how much work the women have done. As if watching the triathlon hadn’t accomplished that?

Ooh, makeover results!

Stephanie arrives in a bright lime/blue maxi dress, and her hair looks great! It’s a more natural color with more natural highlights. Just beautiful.

Tiffany is next, in a deep purple maxi dress and much shorter hair. And it looks great! It’s pretty short, with whispy longer pieces sneaking out here and there. And the color is AWESOME–she’s got some blonder pieces and some honey-strawberry pieces, but it all looks natural and is SO becoming on her. I LOVE it. (THANK YOU, Lifetime!!!)

Laneesa steps up with some bangs, extensions, and a deep coral shirt-dress. Her boyfriend’s jaw drops. She looks cute!

Mary’s next, and…she looks good. I’m not as blown away as I was with the Clowny Sisters, but it’s an improvement, I guess. The wavy hair look is nice on her, I just think it’s all too short. But she looks less frumpy, that’s for sure! Her dress also fails to impress me. It’s a great color, an electric blue, but I hate the lapels. (Later, during weigh in, I think she looks like a tranny. Sorry.)

Rita’s last, and her hair’s a bit shorter, too, with some whispy waves goin’ on. It’s nice–certainly more invigorating than her last hairdo. Her dress is pretty, and unusual–there’s a floaty floral sheer piece layered over a deeper solid sheath, all in tones of yellow. Looks good!

Now it’s time for the weigh in. They’re overlooking the port of Cabo San Lucas. Pretty sweet. Their journey ends here–as soon as weigh in is done, they get booted overboard. Smell ya later! OMG, can you just cool it with the reminder about Rita’s goal being different?! EYEROLL!!!

So, how’d they do? (i’m sorry, but Tiffany’s hair looks SO GOOD. I really hope she doesn’t fuck it up again with clown hair.) (And Jessie’s shoes really are dumb.) Jessie tells us that he’s adjusted the scale for their dresses and shoes. That’s nice of him! I was going to bitch about it if he hadn’t said anything! Disaster averted!

Laneesa’s up first. Her goal weight (that’s how we’re doing it today) is 274. Remember, she’d already lost 51 lbs and decided to aim for another 10 by the end of the show. How’d she do? She made it!! 274 on the nose! Her hair is flowing in the breeze and her smile can’t be bigger. Good for her!

Next up is Rita. Her goal weight was 142 lbs. And she aaaaalmost made it, but not quite. 144 lbs. Good enough!

Mary is next. Her goal weight was 160 lbs. And she made it, hitting 159 lbs. Yay!

Now it’s Tiffany’s turn. Jessie specifically compliments her, which I think is a first. “You look VERY NICE.” Meaning, “You no longer have AWFUL HAIR.” Seriously, though, that hair is awesome. (WAIT, they just showed her from the side and that awful clown hair still exists a bit in the back. UGH.) Anyway, her goal was 171 lbs, and she falls 4 lbs short. She agrees with Jessie, that she’s not done. She’ll get to 171. Just wait.

Stephanie is last. Her goal was 194 lbs, and she ends up with 193 lbs. Yay! She made it!

Jessie wraps it up with a short but sweet speech about how they all accomplished so much, and they did so with the support of their friends, and now it’s time for him to let them go. I’m pretty sure he’s sweating through his shirt, so I’d like him to let go of that, too, please. please.

We wrap up with some footage from the first weeks of the show, when they were all about 50 lbs heavier (except you, Rita, because you have a different body type). You can really see how much of a difference 50 lbs and a lot of time at the gym makes. Wow. The girls all interview over this footage about the differences they’ve made in their lives with this weight loss journey. Facing fears, feeling healthy, challenging themselves, etc. Great job, ladies. (oh wait, it’s day 121 and they’re all taking advantage of all the activities on the boat, including a workout at the fabulous gym! YES! I have high hopes for their continued success.)

BYE!