DietTribe: Tick Tock, Don’t Get Clocked in the Chin, Mary!

Welcome, welcome. We’re thundering home to the conclusion of our 120-day DietTribe weight loss journey. But we have a few pitfalls left to stumble through before we get there. Namely, softball camp, resort restaurant dinner ordering, photo burning, and surfing lessons. Exciting–and random–times. The lesson today, though, is that their former selves were holding them back, and their current selves can rule the world! Suck it!We meet up with the ladies at some park. Tiffany arranged for them to do a fun bike ride together on their ridiculously ill-fitting bikes. Mary is first up with a snide comment about Tiffany’s “big idea” about the ride and about how early they’re meeting. Shut up, Mary.

I want to stop each one of them and wrench their seats up a few inches. It seriously pains me to see this. Anyway, they’re riding all around the park, enjoying the scenery. What a lovely day! They stop at a crossroads. They could go down a hill, or they could head up a hill. Laneesa’s firmly demanding they go down. (But, honey, you have to come back UP. Do you really want to do that at the END of your workout?) Tiffany plays teacher’s pet and says “Jessie wants us to challenge ourselves and he’s not here. Let’s go up.” So they go up. Laneesa gives the finger to Tiffany’s back.

The screen is telling us that mountain biking burns 700 calories an hour. Too bad they’re not mountain biking. The hill they’re heading up looks kind of steep, but I’m not sure they’re really in the right gear to head up it comfortably. Doesn’t matter–they’re just standing for the climb anyway. Good enough! Mary joins Laneesa in cursing Tiffany under her breath. Are you surprised?

Anyway, they survived the bike ride and no one killed Tiffany.

Rita’s up next, confession cam, and she’s ecstatic because she fits in her wedding dress! She hasn’t fit in it since she was 20, and now, 14 years later, she’s back in it. Hooray, Rita! I still can’t believe you’re 34! And I don’t like your dress!

Back to the gym, and Jessie’s guns are busting out of his hoodie. Holy wow. The triathlon’s only 30 days away, and Jessie’s going to test their mental toughness today. This is important–believing you can do something is more than half the battle of getting it done. Weak minds equal weak triathletes. (Me, the thought of free pizza at the end of a race brings me mental toughness.)

First, he gets them into the studio for some weight training. They do squats, lunges, shoulder presses, curls, rows, etc. THEN he has them do jumping jacks while pressing the barbells over their heads–uh oh! Mary’s struggling, and Stephanie looks fresh as a daisy.

Jessie doesn’t let them rest–he drags them to their next exercise. Football shuffles, then some time on the spin bikes, then some boxing drills. Jessie wants to shock the body, push them all past their breaking point. They ended with abs, and….that’s it. Eh. Not much of a shock, if you ask me. Just a hard workout.

Anyway, as a reward for their mental toughness workout, they’re heading out for the weekend to La Jolla! And Jessie’s got a surprise for ‘em!

The next day, Jessie pulls up in a big black van. He looks adorable in a seatbelt. (I’m guessing he’d look adorable in a turd, too, but I can’t stop commenting on how cute he is and you all know it’s true which is why you watch every week, amiright?) Anyway, The Jessie Express is taking the Tribers to the beach!

They arrive at the resort in La Jolla. (I’m personally impressed with myself for knowing that “LaHoya” was actually La Jolla, and I’m all East Coast! Now YOU tell ME how to pronounce Bala Cynwyd or Schyulkill!) Each woman has her own room, as well as access to the Presidential suite, which also has a dining room, a living room, and all sorts of other amenities. Pretty swank.

Jessie gives ‘em one hour to get ready to meet him for dinner. I’d really like it if they’d show HIM getting ready for dinner. Ya know, shower shots, some primping. Whatever it takes.

Anyway, does it surprise anyone that Tiffany and Stephanie have adjoining rooms? That’s fun–I always hate it when I get an adjoining room in a hotel when I’m, like, on a business trip and don’t know who’s on the other side. When you know the other person, though, it’s fun! Cheap thrills for pandas, I guess.

They all decide to get ready together in the Presidential suite. Rita helps Mary curl her hair, Laneesa’s washing her face, Tiffany’s creating a reprise of the hair from Stephanie’s party. These girls really are looking a lot thinner now. It’s amazing.

Meanwhile, Jessie’s waiting for ‘em downstairs in a button-down safari shirt that hugs every curve of his biceps. He calls up to their room to ask if they’re all done “getting beautiful.” Cute!

All six head into the restaurant for dinner. Jessie’s goal here is to help them navigate a tricky menu full of delicious (and fatty) choices, since he won’t always be there to steer them the right way. Rita’s all excited about the parmesan risotto, and Jessie isn’t hearing any of it. His goading face cracks me up.

Tiffany’s nervous about asking the wait staff about how a food is prepared. She wants the scallops, but she needs to know how it’s cooked. The others are looking at beef and chicken. The chef comes out to the table to chat. He assures Tiffany that it’s totally cool to ask questions. Of course, he’s a chef at a resort–he’s supposed to be mindful of that. I don’t think your teenaged server at Chili’s is going to be as cool with it.

Jessie looks SO intense as Tiffany’s ordering her scallops, it cracks me up. He is so serious, but not in a douchey Bob and Jillian way. Also, it’s adorable. He stares each woman down as she orders (the rest order the filet). Only Stephanie fucked it up by NOT asking how the veggies were prepared. (The others ordered their veggies steamed–Stephanie’s are going to be drenched in–GASP!–olive oil.) C’mon, you’re going out for a nice dinner, HAVE THE OLIVE OIL.

(actually, Jessie just interviewed to say that they ALL asked for steamed veggies, so I guess maybe Stephanie changed her mind after hearing everyone else?)

Jessie, the food police, reminds everyone that they are only to eat HALF of their filets, since a serving of beef is 4 oz. I roll my eyes. It’s a lean cut of beef, and they need the protein and the iron. And they didn’t get any starches! Let ‘em enjoy the steak! UGH! (This comes from a woman who has lost over 100 lbs and kept it off for three years, so my kvetching is legit.)

Their meal, honestly, looks boring and no fun. No booze, slicing steamed asparagus into tiny bits….ugh. Rita complains about how good the steak is and how she doesn’t want to stop eating. Jessie explains (and he’s right) that it takes a while for your stomach to realize you’re full, and most people don’t stop eating until they’re uncomfortably stuffed. (Raising my hand.) Rita pushes back from the table with a mopey face. But she’ll be okay. (I still think they should enjoy the whole steak.)

Jessie tells ‘em that he’s proud of ‘em for making good choices, that he knows they’ll do okay without him after he’s gone. But the thing is, you KNOW they only ordered what they did because he was sitting there, hawk-eying them the whole time. When it comes down to it, they’re going to be ordering onion rings and cheesesteaks at Keebler’s or whatever pub they like going to after softball.

Next up is softball camp! The Tribers head out to meet up with the US Olympic softball team. Wow! These women are amazing. The pitcher, in particular, is freaky–I don’t understand how her body moves like that! We get to see all kinds of drills that the team is working on–grounding, hitting, fielding. Pretty cool! Jessie interviews to say, “this is their chance to see what a winning mentality is.” Ouch! “You guys are losers. Smell a winner!”

The one softball chick is really, really cute, and I wonder if she and Jessie are going to do a little canoodling later on. If so, I hope we get to watch. (Too much?)

Introductions are made, and we meet this really cute chick (Jennie Finch) and the coach (who’s just a hair taller than Danny Devito and built similarly, with a Cliff Claven mustache). Coach throws the DietTribers right into the US Olympic team’s workout, which is awesome and nuts. I’d be crapping my pants.

Rita asks a few players for advice in how to catch a ball on the ground. Is she serious?? She asks, “Do I bend over?” and the girls stop for a second and go…”Um, you do this” and they squat. Rita goes, “oh, you lunge? I mean, squat?” Rita! You used to be with it! What happened? You are NOT 34. Stephanie asks for help with keeping the ball in her glove. *shaking my head*

They all take turns fielding ground balls from an assistant coach. Rita, Stephanie, Tiffany, and Laneesa do a great job. Mary? Oh, she nails it, too. It’s not time for her to take a ball to the face yet.

But soon. In fact, they don’t make us wait long. Here it is! The ball bounced right to the ground, right off the bat, and clocked Mary right in the chin. Split her open a little bit, too. Truthfully, as much as I like to beat up on Mary in my mind, I didn’t want her to be hurt. I was grossing myself out with thoughts of broken teeth, broken noses, or broken glasses jammed into her eye socket. So, I’m glad she’s okay. (And only a tiny bit disappointed that it wasn’t a broken nose. Marsha Marsha Marsha!)

The Olympic softball team cheers Mary on to be proud of her battle scars, and that inflates her a little after her maiming. The medic checks her out, but she’s eager to get back in there and play. Jessie notes that in the past, Mary probably would have taken that as an excuse to stop playing. But not now–she’s got the grit and she legitimately enjoys being outside and being active.

More footage of ‘em doing batting practice and more grounding practice. If I could put in my two cents (why not? I’m writing this damn thing), I’d ask for the girls to get more throwing practice. They look great with the fielding, but they still throw like girls. Big, long, wide, slow arcs. The US Olympic team, I bet, has some coaching they could do there. Tiffany needs no coaching on being a loudmouth with crazy hair. Some things can’t be trained.

Afterwards, the girls hit the pool for some crazy fun times. Lots of splashing and chicken fighting. Fun!

Next up? Therapy. Oh no. They all meet Therapist Stacy by a gigantic fireplace. Stacy is wearing some kind of contraption of a jacket that’s either silk or nylon, with zipper sleeves like a motorcycle jacket but lapels like a trench coat. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

She passes envelopes out to the Tribers. The envelopes contain photos of each woman at her heaviest. Rita, it seems, used to be even heavier than she must’ve been at the start of this. Stephanie’s photo, too, is pretty crazy.

Stacy tells them that this is a psychological insurance package, that by remembering how they felt when they were bigger versus how they feel today, they’ll be motivated to keep up with their hard work. Next, she has them throw these photos into the fire. Say goodbye to the fat ladies they once were, make room for the fit mamas they are now! Stephanie makes me teary when she points to the photo and says, “She is a great person,” and then points to herself and says, “but I am a better person.” Sniff!!

Oooh, I started to zone out during the end of this segment and almost missed Stacy commanding them to repeat after her! DAMN YOU! They all had to say, “No turning back!” Ugh.

Before heading back to LA, Jessie treats the girls to a day at the beach, doing surfing lessons. The shop he takes ‘em to is called Surf Divas. I roll my eyes at the name, because I’m tired of the word “diva” being flung around all the time. Tri Divas, Surf Divas. I’m going to open up a can of Shut up Divas.

Rita is especially excited to surf, because her husband surfs. In fact, she’d once tried to take lessons to surprise her hubby, but the instructor basically told her she was too fat–to come back once she’d lost 20 lbs and she’d actually be able to get up on the board. Ouch!

Can someone tell me why they’re wearing rash guard shirts over full wetsuits? Anyone? I hope it’s just so they can tell who belongs with the lesson group while they’re in the water. Otherwise, they just look dumb.

Jessie heads out into the water with them, and he’s not the best surfer. But he tries! And looks damn hunky doing it!

Next, we get treated to a bunch of clips of the girls falling off their boards. I love it–you should see this stupid grin I have, watching them face-plant into the sand, one after the other. (Because it looks fun, not because I’m mean!)

Everyone keeps talking about how exciting this is for Rita. And Rita keeps up her end of the bargain, standing up on the board for a good long while! Go, Rita!

Phew. This episode seemed to take forever. Finally, weigh in.

(Hey Rita! Did you know your goal is different because you’re a different body type??!)

• Rita, you’re up first! She lost 5 lbs. Total lost so far, 26 lbs.
• Tiffany’s next. She lost 6 lbs this time around. 41 lbs total!
• Stephanie lost…2 lbs?! She’s lost 43 lbs total. But hey, are those sautéed asparagus coming back to haunt her?? Poor thing–she’s bummed.
• Mary is next. She’s looking younger! And she lost 6 lbs. Total of 46 lbs–only 4 lbs to go!
• Laneesa’s last, and she lost 10 lbs this week…and 51 lbs total! She made her goal! Jessie asks her what her goal’s gonna be for next time, and Laneesa’s confident that she can pull another 10 lbs. That’d be awesome for her.

Oh, Jessie. That speech Lifetime wrote for you about their journey so far? It sucks. Even you can’t save it. Ugh. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We’re almost done here. Next week, we have another crappy trust fall exercise in the woods, and FINALLY, these bitches hit the waters and streets for their first triathlon. YAY! I can’t wait to pick it apart celebrate their success! Finally, will they all finish and win that beautiful cruise? Come back next week to find out!!

Before we go:

Oh, and another random grab that made me laugh: