DietTribe: When Families Attack

This week’s episode of DietTribe is called “Intervention.” While I wish that meant we got to see some jerky footage of these women spazzing out while
their families read sobby letters to them, it’s not. It’s more about intervening in how the women relate their weight loss to their families and manage their time. Boooooring.

We start this week at the beach. Jessie quizzes the women on what they previously did at the beach. If you guessed “napped, laid out, read, ate, and boozed,” give yourself a bunch of arbitrary points. Jessie’s goal is to get the women to move more, to have fun at the beach being active.

They have an impromptu gym class on the beach, playing paddle ball and bopping volleyballs back and forth. It looks annoying. Jessie’s point, though, is that if they do active things that are fun, they’re more likely to remain active for life. A far different lesson from the peeps a few miles away at the Biggest Loser camp.

Finally, Jessie gets them over to a volleyball net, and they play three-on-three. It’s no surprise that we see a bunch of flesh falling all over the place.

Clowny Stephanie shocks us all when she falls into a full split and isn’t in any pain. As in, she has done this before. NOW we know why she has no problem getting men.

Next, Stephanie and Frumpy Mary head off to the grocery store, kids in tow. Mary’s droning about the new menu and how different grocery shopping is when you’re being careful about what you eat. Steph manages to throw in another typical weight loss blurb, about how you’ll find the freshest/best items when shopping the perimeter of the store. Produce, meats, dairy, are all around the edges. All that processed crap is in the middle of the store. (I admit, I usually only venture into the middle for coffee and salad dressing. Booyah!)

Mary’s kids are a super pain in the ass for the trip, constantly throwing bad things into the cart. Mary isn’t handling it well either. From the previews, I know this week’s one-on-one therapy is with Mary and not a moment too soon. She just doesn’t seem happy.

Next up is group therapy, yay! But, uh oh, that means the dreaded “say it out loud” commit speech is imminent. Boo!

The ladies all meet at Laneesa’s house. Therapist Stacy arrives wearing her uniform, which is some kind of jacket, hiding her belly pudge (but making her face look larger). Always a jacket. I don’t care for the look on her, but I guess that it’s her way of feeling professional and safe. The Ellen DeGeneres sneaks today kinda blow that credibility, if ya ask me.

Anyway, this week’s lesson is about how the DietTribers are working so hard on their own dietary needs but are totally ignoring their kids. Stacy has hidden camera footage of the kids snacking on terrible things (one of Mary’s, in particular, is a snack WHORE). Mary seems really angry and embarrassed.

The women talk about how to help their kids with this lifestyle change, such as making rules to ASK for snacks rather than helping themselves. They also discuss the use of food as rewards for behavior, which is setting up these little ones for some disordered thinking about food in the future. It all stops today!

So now we’re all awakened to how important their parenting is to their kids’ future successful weight management. All except Laneesa, who is childless. Way to isolate the already-isolated, Lifetime. She’s barely even on camera for this entire segment, poor thing.

As a reward for sitting through this group therapy session, the ladies get to meet with Iron Chef Cat Cora, to learn how to prepare quick and nutritious meals. Hooray! That’s coming up later.

But first, we get to see those damn Misfits in action again. Ah, coed beer league softball. Apparently, they’ve gone from a complete losing record to actually winning a few games. A little working out goes a long way, it seems. (My guess is that it’s not only that they’re in better shape, but they kinda have a better sense of their own bodies now, as well as a little bit more confidence. Oh, Rita just said, “I feel more confident.” Man, I’m good.)

The weight loss hasn’t dampened their…free spiritedness one bit. They’re as obnoxious (and fun) as ever. Lots of shouting and high-fiving, coming from our favorite clown-wigged Tiffany.

Also, I really, REALLY want to buy Laneesa a new sports bra. Holy jumblies.

Rita tells us later that they won the game, and that it felt really good, but that it felt really weird to not head off to Keegan’s for their usual trough of fried foods and beer. Good for them! I hope that by season’s end, they’re able to head to Keegan’s for a nice grilled chicken salad or something! You shouldn’t have to totally cut off everything you used to do. (But for now, it makes sense.)

Okay, time for Mary to get her head shrunk. I betcha it’s all about how tired she is. Ready? Go. We start off with footage from a previous group therapy session where Mary longed to drive away from her family and never come back. Ouch. I’d hate to be that family, watching that episode today. Eeeesh. Okay, so it’s the not the people themselves, just the chaos of the family unit and its management but still. If I were her kid, I’d feel pretty hurt today. Lifetime! We hurt kids’ feelings!

Now we discuss Mary’s control-freak issues and how she’s contributing to her own exhaustion by being such a perfectionist. Stacy’s suggestion is to delegate more of the chores to the family, perfection be damned, so she can be more rested. Because escaping into a tub of ice cream to relax isn’t helping her have the body she wants. I’m cringing as we near the end of the segment–are we going to have to commit??! NO!!!! Oh, it was close, but it didn’t happen. THANK YOU.

Finally, we get to meet up with Cat Cora. Cat’s got some ideas about healthy snacks for the kids. Again, Laneesa gets marginalized. I really hope she gets some extra time later, maybe to talk about how hard it is to be Gigantic in a normal-sized world. (I’m exactly her height, so I know.) Then she can stick it to the shorties. Marginalize THIS, suckas!

Anyway, these snacks are healthy, quick, and easy. Magic! First up is some breaded corn-flake chicken. Nothing special here. Open a magazine while waiting in line at the grocery store, dummies, and you’d already know this one. Don’t need a celebrity to teach ya.

Then we learn how to make popcorn mixed with candied fruits, honey, nuts, etc. Looks yummy–I might give that one a try. (Though I can’t be trusted with popcorn. Portion control and popcorn, for me, do not compute.)

Next is penis-sticks. I mean, bananas with junk on ‘em. Coat them in yogurt, roll them in granola, stick ‘em in the freezer, put ‘em in your mouth. 60 calories. Eh.

Tiffany’s hairstyle here is really pretty–it’s like a modern Farrah Fawcett (minus the anal cancer) (too soon?). It’s just that AWFUL, AWFUL color. WHEN IS THE MAKEOVER SHOW?!

Mary heads home, excited to try these new recipes out on her little snack hog, Cheyenne. They make the corn-flake chicken together, and Mary definitely seems a little more relaxed and happy. Thank you, Lifetime, for the therapy and recipes!

Oh, then Mary gave the kids chores and took away their snacks. Fun!

The show has been SEVERELY lacking in Jessie screen time. Let’s make up for it, Lifetime, it’s the only reason we’re watching!

The women meet Jessie at Bally’s for their workout. This time, though, they’re going to do their own mini-triathlon. Jessie explains that it’ll be a half-sprint triathlon, which will mean a 200 meter swim, a 6 mile bike ride, and a 1.5 mile run. No sweat.

Mary has trouble with just four laps (really??) and stops to catch her breath. I cringe as she struggles to get that last catch of a good deep breath inside her chest. Scary. (But really?? Does she need an inhaler or something?) Jessie thinks it’s stress, and sure, you DO get nervous before an event like this. (If she thinks it’s scary now, wait til you’re in the open water with hundreds of other people swimming around you, with no place to stop. No worries, Mary!!)

The ladies finish their swim and head out to their first transition. Jessie explains how important transition is to the overall race–dawdle here, and you lose all that time you trained for all season long! Get your shoes on and GO. Those tri-suits are meant to be worn wet on the bike. GO! (Also, I notice they’re not practicing in their wetsuits. Might not be practical for this exercise, and not at Bally’s, but they WILL have to practice wetsuits in transition. It’s not easy!)

It’s kinda fun to see where the women’s strengths are. Laneesa’s the best swimmer but pooped out in transition. Mary was last out of the pool, by a long shot. Tiffany and Stephanie are first off the bike (and boy, if it isn’t obvious that they’re sisters by their hip shape and thigh-fat distribution. Jeez!)

Laneesa’s hip pain is, as she says, “es-trushiating.” The bike really seems to get to her. I gotta wonder if all this marginalization, with the single woman status and the hip pain, means she’s going to somehow abandon the tribe mid-show. I said it here first. She’s last off the bike, but she perseveres. Go, Laneesa!

Now we’re running. I tear up a little when Stephanie tells us that she felt like she could have run faster than the pace she was running with Tiffany, but the pace didn’t matter as much as it meant to her finishing with Tiffany by her side. Awwww. (Seriously, sniffling here.)

Rita finished first! Running is definitely her strength, though it seemed she wasn’t too bad on the bike either. Tiffany and Stephanie come in next, and Tiffany’s moaning and gasping for air. Her hair color is mostly hidden and her makeup has long ago been sweated off, and she is PRETTY. Makeover show, makeover show, where are you?

Laneesa comes in last, but only by about four minutes. Not bad, girl! It took them all a little less than an hour to complete their mini-triathlon.

Now, weigh in. Did the ladies lose 30 lbs in two weeks? There’s another pink box waiting for the women if they make their goal. Ooh! Yay!

Laneesa says something pretty insightful before weigh in, and it really makes me pause. She says how weigh in gets a little less scary every week, as the weeks go on. This resonates with me. I know that for years, I had NO idea what I weighed, and the idea of stepping on the scale was terrifying. Those numbers had such a hold on me. Then I embarked on my own weight loss journey (gack!), and I HAD to weigh in once a week. It was awful at first, but it got easier. Soon, those numbers were just numbers and not a measure of who I am or what I’m worth. I think that’s what Lifetime Laneesa’s trying to show us, too, and I love her for it. Go, Laneesa!

Okay, so how’d they do?

Tiffany goes first. She lost 6 lbs! Total of 25 lbs lost. Hooray! Halfway there!

Laneesa’s next. She lost 8 lbs! Total of 32 lbs lost. Whoo!!

Next up is Rita. She lost 4 lbs. Total of 14 lbs lost. She’s gotta step it up a little bit, even with her smaller goal of 35 lbs.

Mary lost 4 lbs. Total of 27 lbs lost. She’s ahead of schedule, but she’s disappointed. I’m not–she lost 2 lbs a week, which is the most these women really SHOULD be losing for long-term weight control. Oh well.

It all comes down to Stephanie. Did she lose enough to cover the rest of the women who didn’t lose their 6 lbs? She lost 8 lbs, total of 29 lbs lost. Yay!!

They won their reward! What is it? It’s a Wii and some personal training program that goes with it! (Not Wii Fit, though.) They’re all thrilled–they can share this with their families. Not so fast, Laneesa! Oh wait, that means she doesn’t have to share and can play it all the time, whenever she wants. Awesome! Families suck!

It’s no surprise that the next goal for weigh in is 30 lbs. Mary has a fake smile plastered on her skull…”yay, a video game for my kids to fight over and I only lost 4 lbs. Shoot me now.” Get a grip, Mary!

And they all walk into the light…

Next week, Mary drowns during their first open water swim, the women enjoy a nice roller coaster ride (why? facing more fears? ugh), and Laneesa sings the National Anthem at some game. Guess she decided to stick around a little longer.

So what do you think? Will they be able to pull off a triathlon for reals in only 60 days? Is Mary going to go postal on her kids sometime soon? Will Laneesa make it til the end?