DIRTY SOAP Recap: Catfights and Wingmen

Hello, my lovely Gasmii! We are all caught up now with Dirty Soap, and are on schedule with our weekly recaps. Thanks for all of your comments, background info, and opinions! It makes me feel all tingly and stuff. Well, that could be the I.V. drip of Ramona Pinot Grigio I’ve got going on right now, but I would rather give y’all the credit. Keep the comments coming – I love hearing from y’all!

This episode is entitled “Guiding Fight,” so I have high hopes that we will get some answers to y’all’s questions about what caused the rift betwixt Farah and Kirsten.

I HAVE A GUESS, BUT LET’S JUST LET IT UNFOLD, SHALL WE?

The show opens with Kelly and Kirsten in the General Hospital dressing room, with Kelly speculation whether her character will get shot/raped/maimed/drunk before her wedding. Kirsten laughs that those are terrible things to think, causing Kelly to comment, “It’s a soap.” Yeah, cause we all know fake weddings only happen on soap operas.

Kirsten innocently asks how her makeup is going to look for the GH wedding, and Kelly becomes incredibly snippy. When co-star Nancy Lee Grahn, who is either painfully unaware of her co-workers’ lives or is a raging pot-stirrer, asks, “Kelly, when are you getting married in real life,” causing Kelly to fly across the room and stab her in the eye with a pair of tweezers. Not really, but she did say, “No. I. Am. Not. I am not marrying anybody, I am completely single, and I am not into men right now.” Hey, Kel, good news! S’Natch has someone she can hook you up with! I am nothing if not helpful.

SAY HI TO  ROSIE!*
(*not the same Rosie referred to in last week’s recap )

Lemon puss goes on to spout (in the way only newly single women can) that weddings make her sad because “fifty percent of you are going to end up hating each other and taking in each to the bank.” “I like weddings,” says Kristen, and Kelly stabs her in the ear with a stiletto.

WHATCHA WANNA BET KELLY SPIKE’S THE FAUX WEDDING PUNCH WITH THIS??

It’s Nadia’s birthday!! And, because Fary has enlightened us as to Brandon’s assedness, the first thing he tell Nadia is how beautiful and sexy she is. What. A. Jerk

WHAT I TELL YOU??

Aww – the Piece of Shit send Nadia on a wild goose chase for some water just so she could find a present he had hidden where the water was. He is adorable abusive when he teases her that she might not want to open the gift because it might not be her’s. He then interviews that Nadia’s birthday is important and he has set his sites on success. What a prick! I’ll bet Fary is cackling over her cauldron as we speak, Gasmii!

Brandon gives Nadia an iPad! She complains that it is not personal and he did not go “above and beyond.” She would rather have jewelry. W.T.F.???

TREE

APPLE

This is the first time I have been disappointed in Nadia. Jewelry is the least imaginative gift you can receive. An iPad can be used to schedule meetings, keep up with your call times on this movie you quit your day job for, correspond with family and loved ones even when you are on a set, and contains scads of entertainment.

Because I am such a well-rounded and overwhelmingly talented individual, Gasmii, I can tell you that I have actually had the lead role in a movie (okay, a college thesis movie that was shot but never got out of post production, but she was a NYU student, so I am virtually Oscar-bound), and there are HOURS of sitting around doing nothing. I would have jumped onto someone who gave me an iPad to wile away the hours faster than a fame whore at Tupac’s condo!

One more rant. Again, I was taught that you are grateful for any gift you are given. I have practically had kittens over a scarf and glove set, y’all. Anyone taking the time and effort to think of you and buy you something deserves a smile and a “thank you.” Just sayin’.

OMG!!! THESE ARE THE MOST AWESOME SCARF AND GLOVES EH-VER!

NOT COOL

I almost come up off the couch (which is no small feat) at the banshee cries that unexpectedly come from my DVR. Oh, we’re at Galen and Jenna’s House of Terror model family. One of the brats disciplined and well-mannered little boys is screaming his adorable little face off. Precious.

Galen hones his acting skills by saying that Jenna neglects the shit out of works her butt off with those kids and “I hope she knows how much I appreciate it.” Sorry, Galen, no amount of scripted interview time is going to override the palpable dislike that permeates the air every time you two are in the same room. It’s not going to get you laid, either.

A RECURRING THEME FOR OUR GALEN. SAD HORNS.

Galen further proves he is FOS when he says, “She doesn’t even recognize she needs a break.” Just last episode we saw her take off for 5 hours for her Daughters of Satan Convention spa day. Bitch needs a break about like S-Natch needs another case of Twinkies. I think Jenna recognizes a lot more than you do, my poor pretty Galen.

Nadia and Farah are out to lunch for Nadia’s birthday, and they once again show pictures of Nadia, Farah, and Kirsten looking beautiful and healthy back in the days when stick figures weren’t the paradigm for women everywhere.

Farah asks Nadia when she is getting engaged, and Nadia takes a page from Kelly’s book and says, “Marriage isn’t a guarantee of happiness, just look at this town.” Now, I totally agree that marriage is no guarantee, but it seems like most of the resistance is really a lack of commitment. Look at all the people who are fighting for the right to get married (and deservedly so, I might add). It must mean something, right?

The plot thickens as Nadia says that she just saw – dun, dun, dun – Kirsten at an Emmy party and asks Farah when was the last time she saw her. Farah flips Nadia off and says she hasn’t spoken to Kirsten since 2008.

Farah says that Kirsten and John Paul had a cross-promotional video shoot wherein they had to make out. Farah did not want to watch their rehearsals, so the next day Kirsten blew up Farah’s phone with angry texts. Do you want to know what I think about that version of the story?

DO YOU AGREE WITH ME, GASMII?

One of you had mentioned the cross-promo makeout session in your comments from the last episode. I don’t see how, in a business wherein you are making out with/sleeping with as many people on screen as a porn convention, there would be any problem with one more on screen makeout session. Unless it went further after the cameras were off. I also don’t see someone being that torqued about someone else not wanting to come watch your boring-ass rehearsal.

Some of you mentioned that this little boyfriend-stealing cat fight actually went the other way. I tend to side with that one. We will see if we become more enlightened as the episode progresses.

Farah, ever the victim (as we have discovered), explains that Kirsten stopped talking to her, so she stopped talking to Kirsten. Nadia says that she will see Kirsten at her birthday party that elicits a typical Farah response.

OMG NADIA DID NOT CLEAR HER GUEST LIST WITH ME. SHE’S MEAN.

Never one for hyperbole, Farah then compares Kirsten and her relationship to Chris Brown and Rihanna.

YEAH, IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME.

Farah explains that when she moved to New York, she eliminated everything that was fake, so she eliminated Kirsten.

THEREFORE, MY CATTY BITCHINESS IS 100% REAL

We switch over to Kelly and Kirsten at a nightclub. Kirsten is acting very uncomfortable, and when Kelly asks why, says she is nervous about running into Farah. Kirsten interviews that she has no idea why Farah doesn’t like her because there was no big blow job up and that’s what she would think would cause such animosity (okay, Kirsten didn’t say “animosity,” I did. Not sure her syllabic vocabulary goes up that high). You know what we have to say about her response, don’t you, Gasmii?

AT LEAST MAKE UP SOMETHING LIKE FARAH DID!

Kirsten convinces Kelly that Farah is going to attack her at the party, and that she needs back up.

CAN’T IMAGINE WHY

Kelly agrees to be Kirsten’s wingman.

Heartbreak alert!!! Brandon and John Paul are playing pool together and the first thing JP asks Brandon to do is look at his two balls. Some of you Gasmii have been insinuating that my beautiful fantasy of rubbing slippery coco-nutty oil all over Brandon’s sun-warmed body is but a pipe dream (double entendre –hahahha), since he plays for the other team. Now the Dirty Soap producers are crushing my dream like so many of those teeny tiny and incredibly annoying acorns that are scattered all over my lawn. Thanks a lot, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.

The boys enter into a totally frivolous and unwinable bet over who will get married first. They enter into a conversation wherein Brandon says he couldn’t be engaged for seven years, but he could go seven years without being engaged, whereas JP could be engaged for seven years, but not go seven years without being engaged in coitus with a man. Okay. This innane discussion makes me really glad that I don’t have to join Mr. S-Natch on boys’ night. JP goes on to stutter that Farah is being very…..uh……uh…..patient. Yeah, riiiiight. We all believe that one, Jeep.

Brandon explains to JP that he did not get Nadia anything for her birthday last year (SEE, GASMII, Brandon is NOT gay because a gay guy would NEVER forget to go shopping – excuse me while I make a Costco run for cocoa butter and wine coolers), so he has to do it up big this year.

JP responds by not flirting with Brandon. At all.

Farah is meeting with Gay 1, henceforth referred to as Danny, at his salon. She is unimpressed with the wine selection.

Danny says that he saw Kirsten outside of his salon the other day, immediately walked out and called her a whorebag. Danny is definitely an example of style over class.

CUTE OUTFIT. SUCKY PERSONALITY.

Danny goes on the fan the flames of Hell with gasoline and tell Farah that he asked Kirsten what her damage was and she said that Farah was jealous of her. He says that he responded that she must know another Farah because the Farah he knows doesn’t give a shit. AWWWW – Danny is reading my recaps!

Danny tells Farah he has her back. Hmmmm – Danny versus Kelly in a cage match. Who’s your money on, Gasmii? I’ll make my choice clear as mud – I’ll take the one in 6 inch stilettos.

Kelly is picking wedding dresses for her character. She very insightfully says that she felt like she never wanted to get married, but she realizes now that she just did not have faith in that particular relationship, and she now thinks she may want to get married one day. Kudos for personal growth, Kel!

The costumer tries to talk to Kelly more about her relationship, but she is still very raw and shuts it down faster than a whorehouse in the Bible Belt.

Farah chooses Nadia’s party to have the “I’m-not-trying-to-pressure-you, I-am-really-fine-with-where-we-are-but-where-are-we-talk” with JP. She explains that her dad has a lot of money riding on the “When is JP going to come out of the closet” pool at work so she needs an answer. Purely for dad, of course.

THIS IS A SIGNAL THAT I AM A LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE
(S-Natch is a body language expert, too!)

JP deftly changes the subject to Kirsten across the room. “OMG, I just saw Kirsten,” he squeals. Of course, she is standing with her bodyguard, Kelly, and has a drink with lipstick rings on it so she has obviously been there for at least several minutes. Farah snipes that Kirsten is underdressed for the occasion and that she is avoiding her. JP asks who should clarify what happened between them, and Farah answers that  Kirsten should but she won’t because she is a diva.

I CALLETH THEE “KETTLE”

Farah interviews that she is so glad to have JP by her side, cut to the party with JP saying he can’t be part of the cat fight and he will just watch. Farah says, “I’ll just go on my own.” Damn skippy you will!  Bitch, please, you know blood stains don’t come out of Egyptian cotton pajama pants!

HERE IT COMES! Farah is approaching Kirsten’s table, and a familiar tune is playing.

The ever-so-subtle Kelly announces to Farah as soon as she walks up that she and Kirsten had been talking about her, prompting Farah, in full victim mode, to give her puppy dog eyes and say, “I hope I don’t cry.” Gasmii, you know as well as I do that one of the main qualifications of being a soap star is crying on cue. I mean, a soap opera star without tears is like an Oreo without the crème filling!

Farah tells Kirsten that a “mutual friend” told her that Kirsten said Farah was jealous over the promo shoot with JP. Kirsten flatly denies ever saying that or feeling that way, and whoever told her that could not have been a mutual friend, when who should sit down beside Farah but DANNY! Girlfriend is a much better wingman than Kelly – not only did he wait until the most dramatic time to swoop in, but he is already wearing red. Thinking ahead saves many a dry cleaning bill – trust me on that one, Gasmii.

MY WINGMAN IS KICKING YOUR WINGMAN’S ASS RIGHT NOW

Farah point blank asks Danny if Kirsten told him she thought Farah was jealous, and he said yes.
Kelly tries to become psychologist/mom and basically tells Farah she either needs to shit or get off the victim pot. Thank God Farah isn’t made of wood because her nose would envy of every woodpecker in the forest as she claims not to have any hard feelings toward Kirsten.

Kirsten’s response?

Kirsten then calls Farah a bitch to her face, and Farah flees the table. Methinks she that disheth it out cannot taketh it. Kirsten says that none of it is important to her and that it all seems like high school drama, while Farah cries big old salty soap opera tears to Nadia, thereby ruining her party.

Farah tries to convince Nadia that the “clear, clear sign” (of what she does not say) is if she, Farah, is so “emotionally effected” right now and Kirsten is not. Let’s see…

SEE?  FARAH IS CLEARLY IN THE RIGHT

The bottom line is we got exactly jack as far as finding out what the source of the feud really is. C’mon Mark and Kelly R. – throw us a bone!

Brandon Cam (wonder if you can get those at the local K-Mart ‘cause I am so there!)! Brandon has a surprise for Nadia. I hope the surprise is that he is telling her he is leaving her to go soak in some Tahitian rays with yours truly! Woo hoo!  He’s packing!! Oh, shit, so is she.

Brandon tells her that Galen and Jenna are coming, too. That’s the worst birthday surprise in history. Even worse than the taxidermied remains of a squirrel that Mr. S-Natch presented me with the year we moved his bed into the garage. Brandon must be trying to banish any dreams of marriage from Nadia’s mind. Forever.

Jenna reiterates how she is the only woman in the history of the world to be a housewife and have the primary responsibility of raising spawn and keeping up the house. She states that it is “super hard” to leave the kids. Maybe that is because, since they are too little to cross the street, the kids are only people who will put up with her for more than fifteen minutes.

Jenna is telling the boys goodbye. Am I the only one that notices that, although Jenna says that this is the very first time ever that she is leaving the boys, they don’t seem to give a flip that she is going? She calls Jensen over for a teary hug and all he wants to do is squirm away and steal her phone (presumably to call CPS to report the kid-level microwave, soft-core porn, and easy-lock doors).

UNHAND ME, WENCH! THERE ARE LEGOS AFOOT!

GOING ON LUXURY VACATIONS IS HAAAAARRRRD!

Kirsten decides to call Farah to discuss the tension between them. She invites her for coffee, and Farah says she will try to meet as soon as she removes the stick from her ass clears her busy schedule (note that Kirsten is the one with the j. o. b. here). Kirsten rationally says that she feel the two of them need to talk alone without their wingmen since Farah’s so clearly has the superior of the two.

Brandon and Nadia are in a limo and are heading to Napa! Now, I have never been to Napa, but I would imagine that anywhere associated delicious varietal wines in A-Okay in my book! A limo, Brandon, private jet, Brandon, wine, Brandon . . .

NADIA

Galen and Jenna are on the plane, too, and the Galen Cam is running. Nadia mentions wine guzzling, and Galen asks, “Are you going to be guzzling anything else?” My hopeful ears heard Nadia say, “I’m going to be doing a little beaver guzzling, too.” And my imagination soared with thoughts of Nadia and Jenna bumping uglies while Galen sleeps with blurry women and Brandon opens his warm embrace to yours truly. Then I realized Nadia said, “Beemer guzzling,” and I ran to the fridge for the box ‘o wine and a handful of Nutter Butters to cut the taste of my salty, bitter tears.

Galen passive-aggressively comments, “Look, the wing is hanging off,” causing poor, stupid Jenna to actually believe that a crash is imminent and get upset. Part of me is happy that lil’ Galen is getting some revenge, even though being in a match of wits with Jenna is like fighting an unarmed opponent.

Sam’s wedding dresses have arrived! Kelly is Miss Wedding Sour Puss again, but breaks down when she sees herself in the first dress.

Kelly talks about how she had never really thought about the time, energy, and commitment that marriage requires, and that she is processing all of those emotions through the prism of her failed relationship. She interviews that she spent more than half of her life in a relationship with one person and now that her character is getting married and she isn’t, she wonders if she should be.

Back in Napa, Brandon invites Jenna and Galen to the bar, but the poster child for Anti-Social Behavior wants to go up to the room and exact revenge on poor lil’ Galen for scaring her on the plane. Jenna comments that it would be great to have the kids come because the room has a kitchen, but then says it is unacceptable because there is not a single microwave or sharp object within easy reach of children. Stupid luxury hotel.

Galen asks Jenna, like 50 times, to hang out with him and have some “alone time” for the first time in five years. Her response?

QUELLE SURPRISE!

Galen leaves the room while she is gabbing and goes straight to the bar. Hahahaha!

Back in the lovers’ room, Nadia is unpacking and bitching at Brandon about him rushing her and she doesn’t have any clothes. Alright, Gasmii, let’s revisit what we have learned during this recap. S-Natch can’t stand ungrateful bitches who can’t accept a gift or gesture gracefully.

WHAT. A. BRAT.

Brandon, stung by Nadia’s ungratefulness (let’s see – we have had an iPad, a nice party, and a first class trip to a luxury destination) half-jokes that she forgot her clothes on purpose so she could go shopping, causing Nadia to storm out. Nadia goes straight to Jenna’s suite where she is still desperately trying to get the kids to tell her they miss her. Egads – maybe my “beaver guzzling” fantasy wasn’t so far off the beam, after all!

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

In Kelly’s scene, her character, Sam, runs out on her wedding, and she and her fiancé, Jason, end up getting married in a Chinese restaurant. Kelly interviews that she is living for today and will not allow herself to get “consumed by the future.” Hahahaha.

Kirsten and Farah meet for coffee. Kirsten explains that she was taken aback by Kirsten’s confrontation at the party because she much prefers street brawls to crocodile tears at a birthday event. OMG – in the most un-self aware comment ever, Farah tells Kirsten that no one wants to tell her “like it is” because every one is scared of the “wrath of Kirsten.” W. T. F. ?

Farah tells Kirsten that she feels that Kirsten cannot admit any of her wrongdoings, to which Kirsten responds, “That’s bullshit.” Farah takes the low road (remember that the only family member Kirsten speaks to is her brother, and that her mom kicked her out) and says, “Oh, maybe you’ve changed. Maybe you have all stable relationships.” With this look on her face:

Prompting this look from Kirsten:

Then Farah says, “The truth hurts sometimes.” Now, Gasmii, believe it or not, back in the Stone Ages S-Natch was a 14 year old girl (the age these two met and became besties). I know that 14 year old girls do not have an “edit” switch on their pie holes, and emotions are a tad high during those teen years. You know that Kirsten confided a lot of stuff about her family drama to Farah during those days, and for Farah to automatically go straight for the jugular with that comment, just proves what a fab BFF she is. Hope Danny has locked up his silver. As my mama said, “Ugly is forever.”

FOREVER

When pressed, Farah says that the reason for the rift is because every time she lets Kirsten close to her, Kirsten “drops” her again. What, is she, like, 12? Farah goes on to reiterate that she is a “no drama” girl because, to her, “drama” is someone saying no to her or voicing a different opinion, and Bitch ain’t having none of that.

Kirsten tells Farah that her relationships are her business and that Farah knows nothing about it. Farah gives Kirsten a duck face and huffs off. Poor Kirsten, don’t you know that everything is Farah’s business?? You’re just being mean, now.

Farah rushes back home, thereby spoiling JP’s threesome with Daniel and Nathaniel (formerly known as Gay 2).

Me-ow! Let the cattiness begin – Farah says that, like, the café was, like, way out in the, uh, Valley. Danny says that he hasn’t been to the Valley in, like, seven years, and that Jennifer Aniston is the only good thing to, like, come out of the Valley, like. Farah calls Kirsten a drama starter and says that she, Farah, is “the easiest person to get along with.” I think Farah should start a perfume line:

SELF-DELUSION by FARAH
A delicate blend of bullshit and honey badger pheromones – woo him today!

Farah then has a rare moment of self-enlightenment when she talks about herself, her boyfriends and her family life and says, “Not everyone else is screwed up, maybe you need to look at yourself.” Wait . . . she was talking about Kirsten? Oh . . . never mind.

Jenna is on the phone, again, and everyone else is trying to go golfing. Everyone leaves her rude ass and now she can’t find them. Hahahaha! Nadia’s mood has improved and she tell Galen that she goes both ways! Lil’ Galen is feeling a surge of excitement! Oh – she’s talking about being ambidextrous. Shit. Poor lil’ Galen can’t ever catch a break. S-Natch feels your pain.

Since this is Nadia’s birthday celebration, Jenna feels compelled to wish Galen a happy anniversary, since their anniversary had been the previous week, thereby reinforcing her nonexistent social skills and pathological need for everything to be about her. They bicker about whether or not they are professional bickerers, then Galen snarks, “Do you want to call the kids and see if they are alright?”

LIL’ GALEN IS SO NOT GETTING A GOOD NIGHT KISS – AGAIN

Kelly takes the gals to Vegas, where they swim, go-cart, dance, drink, and zip-line down the Vegas strip. I could party down with Kelly, girlfriend knows a good time. Planking is afoot!

That’s it for this week, Gasmii! What do you think? I did not get a clear sense of what was going on in the feud, except that Farah and her friends are really mean. Does anyone have any info? What do you think about Brandon’s birthday gifts and Nadia’s reactions?

Now that we’re caught up, I won’t talk to you again for a whole week! Til then, try your best to get along without me! XXOO