Dirty SOAP Recap: Adios, Amigos (and Be-yatches)

Greetings, Gasmii! Here we are at the end of the slippery slope that is Dirty Soap! Thanks to @derek hazelton, a faithful Gasmii who shared this link: http://www.welovesoaps.net/2011/11/exclusive-interview-farah-fath-john_12.html , we now know that the show is being shopped in 90 countries, Farah was poorly edited, and Kelly R. and Mark told all of the actors on the show that the producers were allowed to fashion their comments any which way they pleased, and the actors are not allowed to set the record straight.

Yeah, riiight, Farah. There ain’t no Photoshop program in the world that can create this face:

We open with our misunderstood Farah and JP on the beach in California. Farah has brought him to the beach to try to further manipulate convince him to move to the West Coast. JP sticks his dainty toe into the Pacific Ocean and exclaims that is it cold and immediately wonders if that the cute male lifeguard understands the concept of shrinkage.

Farah tries to get JP to say that moving to California was his idea, but he tells her that he has lived in NYC for 11 years and all of his happiness is there and, besides circle jerks with Danny and Nathaniel, the black specter of Farah’s soul is the only thing he knows of Cali.

Farah tells JP that life with her will be unicorns and lollipops (now that’s some creative editing), and orders him to be excited about moving. He tells her that they will be “boyfriend and girlfriend forever.” Hahahaha! I think Farah’s been pushing for a different title.

JP’S WORST NIGHTMARE

The group goes out to dinner. Farah and Nadia ask Galen why he isn’t eating anything except a green salad, causing him to just look at Jenna and whimper softly. Farah then asks him why he doesn’t wear a wedding ring, and Galen responds that he doesn’t wear it on the show. Jenna chimes in that she is the keeper of Galen’s family jewels and she will let him know when he can have them.

WHICH IS NEVER

JP says that jewelry is girlie and that he would never wear a wedding ring. Farah tells him that he WILL wear a ring if they get married, and he promises her that he will NOT. Farah’s mature but poorly edited response? “Well, then, we’ll break up.” And she makes duck lips at him to prove she is serious.

Farah asks Brandon if he would wear a ring and he responds (again, via poor editing since we all know he is really an asshole thanks to Fary) that sometimes when Nadia’s not home he wears one around just to practice and kisses a glowing Nadia.

JP and Farah are thrilled with this response.

“Brandon” (read: the sadistically cunning Kelly R. and Mark) comes up with an idea that everyone go camping. JP says, “Yeah, right, I’m going to work all year and then pretend I am homeless for a week.” Hahaha! I love that response! Yours truly is in no way a camper, Gasmii. Being away from my processed cheese foods and Barcalounger for more than three consecutive hours makes me start to feel all itchy and panicky, so I can relate to Miss JP on this one.

JP says he doesn’t do camping because it is like this:

AND THIS:

AND MAKES HIM FEEL LIKE THIS:

JP finally says he will go if Brandon agrees to spoon with him in the sleeping bag.

We now catch up with Kelly who is trying to branch out in case General Hospital shuts its doors. She meets with Nicholas Adler who “brands” Snoop Dogg. She tells him that she wants him to consult with her, fo’ schizille.

Adler suggests she go into clothing. Really? Are you shitizzling my nizzle? Every “celebrity” out there has a clothing line. Hell, I saw the Kim Zolciak line at Big Lots just last week. Besides, has this Adler guy seen Kelly? The only people who could fit in her clothes are Barbie dolls and six year old girls!

Adler tells her to go to the Magic convention in order to brand herself. This guy is amazing. He has managed to con people into giving them their money while he gives lame advice like design clothes and go see a bunch of geeks pulling rabbits out of hats. I have missed my calling, Gasmii.

Nadia and Brandon are talking about the camping trip. Nadia wants to go “glamping” at the Four Seasons. This is my kinda gal!

Farah and the gang go to a camping surplus store to get supplies. Danny is hitting on the sales guy and asks him if he thinks they will have a Brokeback Mountain moment on the camping trip, while JP hops up and down with his fingers crossed in the background.

The boys are scared to go camping, but Farah says the prophetic words: “All you do is eat, drink bourbon, sit around and talk. What could possibly go wrong?”

I DUNNO. ASK HIM.

Everyone in the cast is going except for Kirsten. Nothing is mentioned about why, so we have to assume that it has to do with her illness and the surgery one of you had read about earlier. Sad.

SHOUT OUT!

Danny is driving and JP is acting like a Nancy Scaredy Pants. Cut to Galen and Jenna making fun of all of the other women for wanting to be in high heels and Louis Bootone (cause Jenna is a rocket surgeon). Farah interviews that when she thinks of camping she thinks of s’mores, bonfires, and where to purge.

Their remote camping area is on a beach about 30 feet from a parking lot. A train runs right by the site – hahahah! JP says it is like Stand By Me. Without the body. Yet.

These guys are roughing it! They are pitching their tents on tent pallets that are built into the area, a short path leads to the ocean where people are walking by, and cars are passing on the Interstate behind them.

HOW WILL THEY EVER SURVIVE??

JP offers to help with the tent, but Farah yells that she doesn’t need him and he sucks as a human being. JP puts up the tent anyway. Danny stirs the pot politely asks Nadia if she would be freaked out if Brandon popped the question. He then talks about how Fary hates Brandon and how she is reluctant to marry him for fear of the sea hag. Danny says that we can’t let anyone’s opinion affect our lives because then it is not our life. Wow. Good one, Dan!

Jenna comes to prove – once again – how painfully socially inept she is by pointing and laughing at Farah’s tent and saying how much bigger Galen their tent is. She points out that Farah and JP got a child-sized tent. Farah’s response?

What have we been discussing this whole time, Gasmii? These women want to be the size of children. Our society is whack.

REMEMBER WHEN OUR SOAP STARS WERE ADULT SIZED? GORG!!

Anyway, back to our regular programming. Farah tells Jenna she is a f**ing idiot because she is pointing and laughing at the dogs’ tent, not the one she and JP are going to use.

Kelly appears around the corner, and Galen immediately orders a round of tequila shots. It appears to be about noon. This is heading downhill – that is my psychic prediction (because I am a little bit psychic, y’all).

Kelly puts on a bikini and demonstrates the skillz that has gotten her on the same D-list as Kyle Richards and Kim Kardashian. Fo schizzle.

Farah complains that she is too fat and out of shape to walk around in a bikini, and wears a cover up the entire time. I am saddened.

SHE MAY HAVE A POINT, THOUGH

Jenna tries to have a coherent conversation with another human being. She tells Farah that she would be a good mother because she is good with dogs. Jenna says that she was great with her dog and look what a good mom she is. Shall we go through this list again, Gasmii? I think not. It would take far too long and I have some Ho Hos and Hunney Buns staring me in the face.

Kelly joins the convo and talks about how she definitely wants kids. Farah asks why Kelly and Mike never got married. Kelly says she was “more married than her married friends.”

METHINKS NOT.

If Kelly thinks she was married because she was committed to Mike, howbecomewhyfor are so many people fighting for their right to choose to be legally married right now? I know many gay couples who are one thousand percent committed who would still love the ability to get married.

Kelly says she does not feel the need to have a certificate (or, apparently legal rights of inheritance, health care, tax exemptions, etc.) to tell her she is married. Farah says she is more interested in f**king with JP’s head knowing if JP would marry here than actually marrying him.

Hmmm. Methinks a major manipulation is afoot. Just a hunch.

IN THE MEANTIME, FARAH TAKES A SLUG FROM THE BOURBON FLASK AND KELLY TAKES CARE OF THE CRUST OF BREAD SHE ATE AND CALLED DINNER

Farah asks Kelly about the girl who is temporarily (she uses air quotes here) replacing Kirsten. Kelly says she has not worked with her but she has seen her on the monitor. She says the girl is sweet but not up to par with Kirsten.

Everyone is getting sh** faced and start telling JP how wonderful Bambi is and ask if she hates Farah with the vehemence that Fary has for Brandon. Everyone agrees that no one has it that bad and that Brandon should either banish her or kill her. They must not be reading my recaps, Gasmii, because I had a solution for this last week.

PROBLEM SOLVED

I find it interesting that Kelly is the only girl sitting with the guys. In fact, when Galen says to ban Fary or kill her, Kelly screams, “Kill her!!!” I also noticed that she was the only one playing in the water with the guys, and she was the one doing cartwheels and backbends in a bikini earlier.

I THINK KELLY HAS FOUND HER “BRAND”

Brandon says that he tried to wine and dine Fary, but to no avail. Brandon says that he will just cut Fary off. Kelly says that she would kill her mom if her mom was a raging bitch like Fary.  I never realized that Kelly was such a homocidal maniac!

Sitting in front of the campfire, Nadia falls on her ass then slurs to JP that she likes his watch. It is a Rolex that Farah got him for his 30th birthday. Nadia asks JP what he got Farah for her 30th birthday, and he says, “We don’t buy shit. We don’t.” I beg to differ – you just said that Farah gave you ROLEX for your birthday, so unless she stole the damn thing, I think she bought you something.

Now, I have had a lot of sympathy for JP this whole time because I understand how difficult it is to be true to who you are, but I am seeing him more and more as just a selfish, spoiled little boy who just wants to be doted on but only give a minimum in return. For shame horns, JP!

Danny shouts out that JP needs to give Farah a ring. JP gets salty over this comment, and Galen rushes to JP’s defense. Galen garbles his comment, but it is a CLASSIC: “The greatest way to ruin a relationship is to get married.” Bwahahaha!

WHAT CHU TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, WILLIS?

Galen points and laughs at Jenna, finally growing some beer balls.

Danny, fearing for his friend’s life, changes the subject to Farah and JP. Danny decides that he is breaking up with JP, and says he hates him. He jabs the drunk Farah with the “is he ever going to step up” line and tells her that she and Danny need to have a “serious discussion about whether we are booting him out.” Damn, Danny, she offered you her first born, not her pocket gay.

(PS – in this scene I notice that this “rough” camping experience includes padded seats and a sink – presumably a full bar sink – behind Farah. Hell – I could even “camp” like this!)

Farah starts crying that she wants to marry JP, but he won’t grow up and he doesn’t want to marry her. She talks about how much flack she gets for pressuring him, but she deserves to know. I think the statement, “We are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend forever” pretty much sums up his feelings, honey.

Danny continues to pressure JP into an answer. JP responds that he wants to spend his life with Farah (but does not mention the “M” word). Farah expresses her frustration at never hearing what she wants to hear getting a straight answer. She whines about how unfair it all is. He asks her not to be mad at him, and she sobs that it is unfair that she gives and gives and gives but he can’t even give her a straight answer.

It makes me want to throw a Twinkie at my television screen and yell, “HE HAS GIVEN YOU AN ANSWER – IT IS JUST NOT THE ONE YOU WANT!” I eat the Twinkie instead.

She bullies him into saying yes or no to marriage. Danny says, “It’s time to be honest.” JP says, “I wanna hang out, man!”

Danny reminds him that they are not discussing teabagging and asks for clarification. JP laughs and Farah threatens to break up with him. JP says he doesn’t want to break up. Farah says he doesn’t want to get married, either, so they are done. She then sobs that she deserves so much better than this. No you don’t. Who would want to marry a manipulative psycho bitch? No one. Not a thinly closeted gay, apparently.

JP and Farah are not speaking, and Brandon is wearing Coke bottle glasses. Remember my postulation near the beginning when I said that Brandon seems like the type that had to grow into his looks – that he was not good looking or popular when he was young so he will flirt with anyone who pays attention to him?

EXHIBIT A

Nadia is meeting Fary for lunch. Fary has brought Fernando, her young male minion with whom she is trying to set up Nadia. Who is living with Brandon. Fary is a hag.

Nadia did not know that Fernando was coming to lunch. Fary talks about how wonderful Fernando is, and how she knows his mom. Nadia frantically texts Brandon under the table and tells him to come to the restaurant.

Fernando leaves the table, and Fary talks about how a real man makes love and I wonder if Fary isn’t getting freaky with Fernando the Marvelous. She then talks about using a cucumber to satisfy her needs. Fary is disgusting.

Fernando returns and asks if Nadia can dance.  Fary answers that Nadia is extremely flexible and has a sexy butt. Fary is pimping her out faster that a madame with a stable fulls of twenty dollar hookers and she talks about class and style? Geez, Louise!

Fernando this on Nadia and invites her to Brazil. Nadia tries to be polite, but it is awkward. But not as awkward as when Brandon arrives!!

RUT ROH

Poor Fernando did not know about Brandon, so things just get really uncomfortable. Fary tells Brandon that she wanted Nadia to meet a real gentleman. She talks about how Fernando is hard working, from a good background, and how he does not show off his six pack. That’s prob cause it’s back home in the fridge. Just sayin.

Nadia asks Fary why she is doing this, and says that lunch is over. Yay, Nadia. As Fary is leaving she tells Fernando that she cannot handle being in the same room as Brandon.

Brandon tells Nadia that her mother keeps putting her in situations that he is not comfortable with, so he might as well give up. Fernando proves that he is a putz saying that one date with him and Nadia would know what a real man is. He says he will teach Brandon some manners, and she tells Fernando to kick his ass.

AND BRANDON IS THE JERK

Fary starts spinning her wild tales again, telling Fernando that Brandon told her that if he couldn’t have Nadia then no one would, as if he had told her that he is going to stuff Nadia’s dismembered body into a dumpster if she breaks up with him. Fernando says that if he had known that he would have treated Brandon differently. And Fary starts to panic as she realizes the full sunlight is on her face, so they finally drive off.

Montage time!! Farah is berating JP for not responding the way she wanted him too during the camping trip. Kelly is at the convention (apparently Magic is not rabbits and top hats, but everyone on Earth’s clothes, demonstrating what a fab idea it is to sink dollarz into that money pit). Brandon tells Nadia that he wants them to be closer and that her mom is a problem. Nadia loves Brandon and will try to curb Fary. Jenna garbles something and allows Galen to say that kids are super fun. Farah hounds JP until he throws his hands up and says, “Some day we will get married,” and she tears up like it was some kind of proposal. Rolling eyes horns.

FO’ SCHIZZLE

That’s it Gasmii! What did you think of Dirty Soap? Do you think it will be renewed for next year, or do we say goodbye to this one? Luckily for you, you don’t have to miss me – I’ll be seeking REVENGE as the recapper for that show! Check it out!  See you on the flip side!

XXOO