DIRTY SOAP RECAP: Angst of the Beautiful People

****We continue our new recapper week with the debut of the newest belle of TVgasm’s ball. Dirty Soap started around the time of Auditiongasm and you guys have been writing in asking for it. We’re starting all the way at the beginning and will be working our way through the weekend to get all caught up! And now, put your hands together for S-Natch!

Hello, Gasmii! It’s Fall here in the South, and you know what that means – Fair Time! And you know what Fair Time means, don’t you? Eating 5 sticks of batter fried butter and a deep-fried Snickers bar, washed down with a deep fried cola, then throwing up on the Tilt O Whirl. Good times. However, such is my devotion to you, Dearest Gasmii, that I shall delay my fair-goers sugar coma in order to bring you the newest addition to the decadent world of reality television – Dirty Soap!

I REST MY CASE

Dirty Soap follows the lives of eight stars of daytime drama, the first being the lovely Kelly Monaco of General Hospital. She begins by saying she will answer to anything, Kelly, Sam, Bitch, Person who stole Dancing with the Stars from John O’Hurley won Dancing with the Stars’ first season, you know, the usual. Kelly likes to come across as tough (“We weren’t allowed to come home until dark. We were taught to fend for ourselves”), but I just think a little oral hygiene would put her in a much better mood.

Next is Kirsten Storms, who plays Maxi on General Hospital. Kirsten explains how she began her career on the Disney Channel as a loveable child star, but now is a bad girl husband stealer. And she made headlines for getting a DUI. Hmmm.. that doesn’t sound familiar at all.

Next is Nadia Bjorlin. Now, honestly, Gasmii, does anyone believe that these are these peoples’ real names? All of them remind me of when my friends and I get drunk at parties and play the “Porn Star Name Game.” You know, your first pet and the street you grew up on. I am “Kitty Hawthorne”. I had one too many glasses of wine with my mother one night and discovered she was “Coco Red.” I am pretty much scarred for life now.

Hmmm – Wonder if Nadia knows Tupac?

Nadia plays Chloe Lane on Days of our Lives, and she hates pianists, otherwise why would she be screaming at this poor defenseless man?

Nadia’s live-in boyfriend is Brandon Beemer of The Bold and The Beautiful. Brandon is sweet and supportive, and takes every opportunity to tell Nadia she is beautiful. And life is unfair.

Next is “Mr. Sexy,” Galen Gering who plays Ray Fernandez on Days of Our Lives. Galen, take some advise from S-Natch. Carry around your one of those personal lighting devices Tyra used to torture the delusional skinny chicks models with on ANTM, cause, Mister, it makes all the difference in your photo.

Galen is shown enthusiastically greeting his two adorable children, then the camera pans over to Jenna Gering, Galen’s wife, and I swear the air was sucked out of the room. Jenna bitches explains that, although they both work, only one gets paid because she had to quit her fabulous career as a model/actress when she had two kids.

YEAH, JUST LIKE THIS CHICK

BEING A HOUSEWIFE IS HAAARRRD

Farah Fath plays Gigi on One Life to Live. The producers must hate this chick, because right after Farah brags about acting being second nature to her and she can do, like, 500 scenes in her sleep, they show some really horrible scene where she is apparently locked in a basement and realizing that the angel of death could be on her shoulder. Her recitations of “I could really die down here. I could really die down here” reminded me of someone’s Oscar speech…….

Farah goes through her designer hoard clothing, bitching at her gay bff, and yelling at him for no reason. She interviews that she “tells it like it is.” I love it when people use being frank as an excuse for being raging bitches, kind of like when people use “the truth” to cut your heart out and serve it to you on a platter.

DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Farah is clearly cranky because of a lack of nutrition. Never fear, Gasmii, it’s S-Natch to the rescue!

I NEED A SNICKERS IN HERE, STAT!

Although I can’t imagine why, Farah’s character is being killed off, so her gays (her term, not mine) are getting rid of her skank ass taking her back to L.A. She informs them that she does not want to run into Kirsten, her former sista from another mista. She says that they have had their ups and downs, and complains to Gay 1 that when Kirsten is your friend, she has to be your boss, and Farah can’t have that in her life. Gay 2 chokes on a beignet and cackles nervously.

Farah reveals that her boyfriend is a better actor than she is and does not want her to move to L.A. because he can’t believe his $10,000 pay off the Farah’s gays really worked is a New York guy. Farah tells them that she told BF that he had no say in it as long as there wasn’t a ring on it, and besides, herpes tests have false positives all the time. Gay 1 says, “ You’ll never get married.” Farah, relying on her amazing acting skills, retorts, “I won’t until you guys can,” prompting this reaction from her spellbound audience.

Brandon is delivering Nadia’s last script. He asks her, “How are you going to go out? Are you going to fall down the stairs like Willow?” Nadia responds that she doesn’t think it will be with a big bang. I look at Brandon and my heart breaks a little.

I GOT YOUR BANG RIGHT HERE, BABY!

Nadia tells Brandon she is moving to Chicago, and he calls her a prostitution whore. She says that he just wishes her dead, and he responds that she deserves to be busted for prostitution and go to jail. Hey, this show isn’t so bad! Oh, wait, that’s her character’s storyline. Yeah, riiiight.

Brandon points out that Chloe needs to pay for the crimes she has committed, saying, “Prostitution’s not legal in Salem.” Right, Bran, but other things are.

We are back to Kelly, looking as glam as usual.

We get the inside scoop on Kelly’s day. Get up. Has hair and makeup done. Cusses at Sonny for wearing a stupid hat that makes him look like Joe Pesci, and tears paper out of a script. Humps a hottie. Tough. Life.

We next see Kelly’s Klassy side at a fan meet-and-greet where she points out a hapless plus-sized goddess and exclaims, “Those are the biggest titties I have ever seen. You could suck your own titties!” Check her bio, are we sure Kelly is not a Kardasian?

Kelly says that her fans are fiercely loyal, and “Don’t anybody call me a bitch in front of my fans, cause they’ll tear your face off.” Hmmm… I’ve been wanting an excuse to look more like Marysol’s mom from Real Housewives of Miami, so let’s give it a go, shall we?

BITCH.

We are back with Galen and Jenna and their trainwreck of a marriage being witnessed by millions thousands tens of hopeful “I heart Galen” fan club members. Jenna is reading Galen’s script that calls for a shower scene and a deep kiss, and is just thankful that she doesn’t have to fake a headache tonight. Then she spazzes out over having to say, “I just want to get naked with the man I love.” Poor thing. I am shouting at the TV right now, “It’s okay, honey, the actress is saying it, not you. He knows you don’t really mean it!”

Alas, she cannot hear me, so she flees in terror instead. Galen runs after her and says, “I’m sorry! I didn’t even know it was in there.” (All together now: “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!” Bwahahaha!)

Farah tells us that she is dating her co-star, John Paul. My Gaydar is ringing off the hook on this one, dearies. No wonder Gay 1 and Gay 2 are so happy bee-atch is leaving. John Paul has a tiny dog and uses his ass to wipe a handprint off of his car – ding, ding, ding – CONFIRMED!

GIRLFRIEND NEVER LIES!

Is it just me, or does this bitch look exactly like Kristen Cavallari? I have a theory, Gasmii. After carefully comparing their looks, acting ability, and bitch-osity on the S-Natch scale, I have determined that Farah and Kristen C are – wait for it – LONG LOST TWINS!!!!! Gee – hope Farah doesn’t sign up for Dancing with the Stars any time soon!

Galen, being p***** whipped kind and considerate, brings Jenna a flower he picked from the yard as a token of his contriteness at having asked her to touch his man parts read a script with him. She pouts and talks about how haaarrrrd it is to be married to him, then throws the flower into the trash. To quote my esteemed colleague, Flipit –

JENNA IS AN ASSHOLE

Farah arrives in L.A. and meets with Nadia, and old pictures of Kirsten, Farah, and Nadia are shown on the screen. It is sad how beautiful and healthy they looked in the old pictures compared to the “lollipop” look they now have. Shame on you, society!

Kirsten and Kelly go over some fan mail, and I continue to be disturbed by how thin these women are. Case in point:

Kelly shows Kirsten some really strange fan mail with about a ream of paper’s worth of pictures and child-like handwriting declaring undying love and begging for photos. Scores a 10 on the creep-o-meter. Then there is a scrapbook of everything Kelly has ever done. Boy, makes me glad that I was far too glamorous and talented to ever have made it as an actress!

Kelly gets sad horns and talks about recently ending a “toxic” 18-year relationship, saying that she would rather take a bullet than go through this because she thinks she would heal faster. She looks at pictures of the dude (that were included in the fan’s scrapbook – scary) and tells Kirsten that she wonders where “that (smiling) person” went. S-Natch has been there, done that. How about you, Gasmii?

Love that Kelly is coming off, for the most part, as very relatable. Might make me take back the bitch comment if I wasn’t jonesing for that plastic surgery so much!

I MEAN, WHO WOULDN’T WANT A MUG LIKE THIS??

It’s Nadia’s last day on DOL, so she is packing up her dressing room when who should show up at her door, but Galen! Sorry, Sug, we’ve all seen Brandon. It’s like my mama always said, “If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.” Poor Galen ain’t riding nothing any time soon.

FILE THIS UNDER “NOT A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL”

Galen gives Nadia a gift in a golden bag – sure as shit ain’t no flower he picked out of the yard. It’s a key. “Aw, the key to Salem,” asks Nadia. “Well, actually, it’s the key to the shed in my backyard.” Damn, Galen, the Actors’ Guild is really screwing you over if you have to dumpster dive for farewell gifts. I mean, a box of Whitman’s chocolates is cheap and gets you into a lady’s pants faster than a worm-eaten gardenia or a rusty hunk of metal. Someone buy me a ticket to L.A. I can see I am needed there!

Farah, JP, and Gay 1 are looking at an adorable house in LA. JP complains about the peeling paint and the lack of screens on anything. “Don’t they have bugs in LA?” He asks. Now, I’ve never been to LA, but I’ll bet a good ol’ southern Wolf spider can kick the crap out of any fancy LA bug. Wimp.

We are back to Farah trying to bully JP into getting a house together. He is hesitant to just jump into home ownership, but she says, “I want a house and I want it now.” Boy, this Farah chick sure can channel a variety of celebrities. Spooky. Back at Galen’s house of horrors, Jenna and her mom are making rabbit food lunch. DOL is on, and Galen is making out with a really blurry chick. “Oh, what’s Ben’s mommy doing in bed with Daddy?” Asks one of the kids. Great parenting, Jenna. Have you heard that they have newfangled things called DVR’s now that can record that for you so you can watch it later and the kids can watch, oh, say, Baby Einstein right now? Sorry, I forgot, parenting is haaarrrd, so keeping up with the latest in common sense technology is impossible. My bad.

Instead of changing the channel, Jenna and her mom work out a plan on how to stalk Jenna’s future ex-husband, Galen.

It’s Party Time and Farah is bitching about having to go to Nadia’s going away party. JP has fled back to NYC, so she is stuck with Gay 1 and Gay 2. J’adore their passive aggressive asses as they totally get under Farah’s skin. They ask her if OLTL threw her a going away party, giggling and clinking glasses as she get pissy, because, of course, OLTL was as happy to be rid of her as was the entire population of New York City. And DWTS viewers (oops – wrong doppelganger).

Jenna takes yet another opportunity to make it all about her as she whines interviews that she feels so out of place at parties, making her point by sitting alone on a couch and glaring at everyone within a ten-foot radius.

Nadia is saying goodbye to everyone on the show, and talks about how everyone is a family. I have to say that I think that is the magic of soap operas. The cast stays around for so long that they know each other so well, and the audience feels as if they know them, too. That, along with the long-standing expectations that soap stars be accessible to their public, makes people welcome them into their homes as if they were good friends. I will be sad when that part of Americana goes away for good, and I hope it never does.

The inaugural episode ends with Brandon affirming Nadia, Jenna and the blond spawn screaming while Galen rubs his tired brow, Farah badgering JP about buying a house, and Kelly burning a red dress while Kirsten hops up and down excitedly.

We are playing catch up here, so I will have episode 2 up in a couple of days, episode 3 a couple of days after that, and then we will be on track. So, Gasmii, what do you think? The forum is yours, and I can’t wait to hear from you – that is, of course, after I stop by the fair for a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich! XXOO