****Playing catch up with Dirty Soap!
Howdy, Gasmii! S-Natch here is all sugared up and ready to dive into Episode 2 of Dirty Soap, so y’all hitch up your drawers and join me, m’kay?
In my dark and distant past, I was a school teacher, so let’s have a pop quiz to review what we learned in episode 1, shall we?
1. Galen and Jenna are deeply in love and have a storybook marriage. True or False?
LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Jenna: “Kiss me, the cameras are rolling”
Galen: “’K. Just don’t muss my makeup”
2. Kelly gets creepy fan mail, is fascinated with large titties, has just ended an 18 year relationship, and has impeccable oral hygiene. True or False?
3. Kirsten is a former Disney channel child star who has overcome the temptations of Hollywood to lead an exemplary life. True or False?
NOT KIRSTEN, BUT A REASONABLE FACSIMILE THEREOF
4. Farah hates Kirsten, who used to be her BFF, but is otherwise a lovely, understanding young woman who would never berate or emasculate her boyfriend. True or False?
5. Nadia and Brandon were put on this Earth as proof of the inadequacy of the rest of us. True or False?
Now that we are all caught up, let’s move on. This episode is entitled “All My Family.” See, it’s a play on “All My Children” get it? Brilliant! I just LOVE creative producers, don’t you?
We open with the “Farah Cam.” This device allows us to see the annoyingly poor production values of minicams in the unskilled hands of amateurs intimate lives and thoughts of our favorite daytime drama stars. Farah is already bitching at her boyfriend, John Paul Lavoisier. “Omigod! John-Paaaullll. Like, are you really, like wiping your face with your dirty socks that you walked in for, like, miiiilllles and miiilllesss?” In a voice not heard since the indomitable Moon Unit Zappa used it in her Valley Girl days.
JP reacts by smiling, sniffing said socks, and remarking that they smell a lot better than Farah’s girly bits.
In her compulsive need to always be right, Farah continues this riveting conversation the in her dressing room, bringing one of her co-stars into the conversation and making fun of the holes in JP’s socks. She bitches that he needs new socks AND underwear, saying “I don’t know how your penis stays in your underwear.”
TRUST S-NATCHY HERE, DARLIN’, IT DON’T
The co-star, Josh Kelly, cowers in fear and compulsively agrees with everything Farah says to degrade JP. One look at him and I can figure out why.
She notices the look JP gives Josh and tries to break his neck.
Last week, Farah constantly reminded me of someone else. Let’s add one more to the list that includes Sally Field, Kristin Cavalleri, and Veruca Salt, shall we?
BITCH DON’T GIVE A SHIT
John Paul’s mom is coming to visit! This should be fun. We can examine where JP gets his ball-less approach to manhood kindness and consideration toward women. First red flag: Mom’s name is Bambi (j’adore Farah’s eyes rolling back into the recesses of her skull to the point of nearly becoming lodged there when she says the name!). This could go one of two ways:
Farah interviews that she hopes she can finally impress Bambi, so she goes out and buys $120 pillows. Just a suggestion, but maybe she’d be slightly more impressed if you just treated her son like a human being.
Farah and JP snipe at each other about the pillows, then Farah decides to embark on Phase 2 of the Impress Bambi Campaign.
I’LL JUST CONVINCE HER I’M A DRUNK, NOT A BITCH. BRILLIANT.
TMI alert! JP says Bambi is coming with them to a fan event. When Farah asks why, JP answers, “She likes to brag. She likes to tell everyone how I breast fed until I was 7.” Is it just me, or does that seem a tad disturbing? I attempted to breast feed my children and I couldn’t wait to get those little parasites off my aching tits. (Love you, kids – mean it!)
On the brighter side, that’s one mystery solved.
Farah complains that JP never puts his foot down to his mother, especially when she was “mean” to Farah. I love how everyone is “mean” (Bambi) and “controlling” (Kirsten) to Farah. Newsflash – Farah, you are a raging, selfish bitch and you are with JP precisely because he is the type NOT to stand up to a woman. No man with a spine would put up with you. Poor Farah – now S-Natch is mean, too!
On to Kirsten’s family. She is getting Koolaid-flavored gelato with her brother, Austin. Kirsten lived every teenaged girl’s dream by having an older brother who was still closer in age for all of his friends to have crushes on her. My imaginary brother was like that, too. It was heaven.
Austin is getting ready to go to military flight school. Kirsten says that he is the only member of her immediate family with whom she speaks. Kirsten explained that there was a lot of conflict during her early acting career, and one day her mom had packed up her stuff and told her to go (from the house Kirsten’s earnings bought, no doubt). Alert the press! We have the winner of MOTHER OF THE YEAR!
WAIT, IS THIS KIRSTEN’S MOM?
Austin is living with Tiffani who had dated a member of the band O-Town. Oh, yes you do too remember them. They had some song about wet dreams. Anyhoo – Tiffani had a meal ticket son named Lyric with the anonymous band member. People, PLEASE STOP DOING THIS! In my years as a teacher, I had a student named Spontaneous and one named Secret – and, no, they were NOT twins. Let S-Natch clue all you parents-to-be in – KIDS DO NOT LIKE HAVING TRENDY/WEIRD/STUPID NAMES!!! However, they do like posing with duck lips.
At Nadia and Brandon’s house, Brandon and some other people are cooking large amounts of food, while Nadia stays a safe distance away in case calories can be ingested by osmosis. The “other people” are Nadia’s family, including her mother, Fary. Gasmii, have you ever noticed how two completely unremarkable, yet pleasant looking people just seem to have the right genetic makeup to produce dazzling children? Just an observation.
Case in point:
Fary starts snipping at Brandon for tasting the food before anyone else and having his phone at the table. Can’t blame her for the phone one – so obnoxious – but I had no idea that Nadia had to support her poor handicapped mom because, obviously, the woman is blind.
YOU CAN SAMPLE MY GOODIES ANYTIME, BRAN!
Mike the neighbor comes over and Nadia jokes (?) that Mike is Brandon’s boyfriend. I CALL FOUL!!! The gays get ALL the cute guys! Save some for the other team, Fellas! Gals need peen, too!
Fary says Mike the Neighbor looks like a real man, and says to the crowd, “This is a good looking guy.” No offense to Mike and all, but THIS is a good looking guy.
WONDER IF DEMENTIA IS COVERED BY UHC?
Bwhahahaha! Bambi arrives at Farah’s, who promptly shows her the bag full of old fug pillows and announces she bought new pillows just for her. Bambi’s response? “We brought our own pillows!” Hahahahahaha!
In case you are curious:
Bambi also brings a whole cooler of food and milk. Farah is really pissed at her, but I can see Bambi’s point. Who would have faith in a woman who looks like this’s ability to serve you bacon and eggs?
Kelly’s “family” is, apparently a group of hangers-on friends because so far she is the only one not to have introduced blood relations in this segment. She interviews that she is looking forward to hanging out with friends by the pool so she can forget the stress she has been undergoing because of the breakup. Naturally, as soon as Kelly walks up one of her viperous really great friends tells her that she saw ex-BF at the club last night, thereby starting a conversation Kelly was hoping to avoid.
I SUCKETH AS A FRIEND
We are treated to the ultimate dysfunctional happy family at Galen and Jenna’s house! Galen enters as Jenna screams at someone on the phone that he is late. How sweet, she misses her hunka hunka burnin love! Ah, no, she just wants to go spend 4 or 5 HOURS at the spa to get pampered because being a housewife is haaarrrddd. Working seven days a week for eight to twelve hours a day and then coming home to a frigid shrew is much easier – just ask Galen.
I’M A HONEY BADGER, TOO!
Okay, Gasmii, I know I had my children, like, back before there was electricity and all, but WHY IS THERE A MICROWAVE AT KID LEVEL IN GALEN’S HOUSE? I’m not talking “the kids can reach it,” I am talking “Galen has to bend down because the kids can freaking USE the microwave.” The TODDLER is opening the door!
EXACTLY HOW LAZY IS JENNA?
DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS
Jensen is the toddler’s name and the obnoxious brat adorable tot locks himself into a room and does not know how to unlock the door. Again, I had my spawn in the Mesozoic Era so I could be wrong, but aren’t there devices to prevent this from happening?
Farah is astounded because, unlike her role model, Jenna, Bambi is actually dispensing some good advice and trying to be helpful to her son by encouraging him to eat a small amount before taking medication that will upset his stomach. Farah sees this as “nutso,” but, I suppose after seeing Jenna allow her kids to watch their dad in bed with someone else (Daddy’s just pretending – riiight) and trying to stick their heads into an electric device used to broil meat, Bambi’s admonition to eat a piece of cheese before you take an Advil would ring as excessive.
An argument ensues about John Paul wanting to wear pajama pants to the fan event. Farah explains that John Paul is not comfortable with how gay attractive he is, so he dresses down in order the blend in. I totally understand this one – happens to me all the time. Just last week I had to buy a new pair of footie pajamas so I could attend a Junior League soiree.
After Farah very rudely yells at Bambi (saying “Bambi” in that way that really says, “shut your pie hole, you old biddy”), Bambi and JP go to his closet to choose something other than pajama pants. Farah overhears when JP says, “I’m going to wear these jeans that Farah hates” and Bambi says, “Good. Go.” LOLOLOL.
Back at Casa de Future Therapy for Dillon and Jensen, Galen is going to try to break into his own house in order to free Jensen from the room he locked himself into. Far from being traumatized and apparently unaware that mom is gone, Jenson sounds like he is enjoying every moment of his captivity. Galen empathizes, stating that being away from Jenna for 4 hours is like a 10 day Grecian vacation.
Meanwhile, Jenna is attending the 15th annual meeting of the Daughters of Satan.
BEING A MINION IS HAAAARRRRDDD
Speaking of minions, we are back with Fary. Nadia brings up the subject of her mom dating again. Fary says she does not want to because she was so in love with Nadia’s father that he took her soul with him when he died. Awww. Besides, Nadia has shitty taste in men. Sigh. Fary says she wants a generous and kind gentlemen. Nadia asks what part of that Brandon isn’t and Fary says, “All of them.” Now, I have watched these people for a grand total of an hour and a half at this point, so I will be the first to admit I don’t know the whole story, but all we have been shown of Brandon so far is him saying beaucoups of nice things to Nadia, being humble (“You want a picture of her, not me, she is the pretty one”), and supporting her when she was verklempt about leaving Days. Plus he is hotter than a Laredo parking lot in the summer time.
Fary goes on to complain that Brandon never buys Nadia flowers and “You get married, you have kids, I kill you myself.” Not to split hairs, but wouldn’t you want to kill her before you had grandkids to traumatize. No, maybe not, cause they’d be purty babies.
Enter Bianca, Farah’s number 1 fan. She hugs Farah, JP, and Bambi who all know her because she stalks them relentlessly religiously attends all of their events. She hangs on to Farah and tells her that she is going to take her home with her. And use her skin as an overcoat. Okay, the sleeve of an overcoat (this is Farah we’re talking about).
IN CASE THE FBI NEEDS A PHOTO ONE DAY
Bambi totally Bogarts the event by screeching to the fans that she is JP’s mom and offering autographs and TMI.
Nadia and Brandon are talking about how to get on her mom’s good side, Nadia says that, other than becoming Jesus Christ, Brandon could try killing her with kindness. Brandon says that, although he recognizes that there is always room for personal improvement, he has decided just to concentrate on making his relationship with Nadia the best it can be rather than wasting time on her bitter old cow of a mother.
Kirsten has invited her brother, Austin, and his family over for dinner. Girlfriend Tiffani states that she has no intention to eat the pasta Kirsten has prepared bought pre-cooked from the store, and will have to make do with salad. Now this may be a totally Southern thing, y’all, but my mama threatened me with pain of death if I complained about any meal anyone else took the time and effort to present to me. Over the years I have eaten liver, turtle, dove, goat, and a plethora of other veggies and critters I would have never chosen to devour just to be polite to my host. What a concept. It just goes to support my theory that skinny bitches are crabby. Of course, Kirsten gets the last laugh when her emaciated ass says, “Yeah, I know how you’re feeling about losing that baby weight.” Wonder if the heifer just realizes Kirsten called her a fat cow?
In a pathetic attempt to pander to the cameras desperate attempt to conjure some romance from the Ice Queen, Galen arrives at the hot tub with chocolate cake and wine. Now, you approach S-Natch with such offerings (especially if the wine is chocolate wine – and, my darlings, if you have not tried said elixir of the gods you must) I would spring quicker than a mousetrap at a cheese party. However, I do not think Icey opens that easily. For Galen.
Jenna immediately accuses Galen of lewd ulterior motives and shuts him down faster than a speakeasy during Prohibition, causing Galen to start whining about his day with the kids. Turns out Jensen locked himself into his own room. The sliver of a benefit of a doubt I was willing to give Jenna’s superior motherly instincts was immediately gone. Jensen did not lock himself into a den or a living room, but into his own room! What if he had done that at night and there was a fire? Am I being out of line here or aren’t there things that prevent a toddler from locking a door? Let me know, Gasmii, since I haven’t had kids since God was a boy.
Galen demonstrates how incredibly horny appreciative he is by showering Jenna with praise for raising his kids and being so great. He acknowledges being a housewife is haaarrrrdd, and Lil’ Galen is experiencing an uprising of hope. The kiss she gives him has a much passion as the flounder waiting for his cornmeal on my counter right now, and Lil’ Galen has to contend with yet another date with Rosie.
I am beginning to suspect that Kelly is a pyromaniac. Last episode she burned her prom dress, and now she is burning men. Well, names of men. On pieces of paper. That her friends wrote in order for her to “duty date.” Hmm… have been doing it all wrong. I thought what happens in my bedroom every Friday night was a duty f****. My bad.
Brandon invites Fary to lunch and BRINGS HER FLOWERS. Recall, dear Gasmii, that Fary was bitching to Nadia about Brandon’s lack of appreciation for floral gifting. This definitely shows that he is making an effort, right? Apparently not, according to Fary. The first thing she asks is if Nadia bought the ginormous flower arrangement, then refuses to take them, making him put them on the table next to theirs. What. A. Brittle. Old. Hag.
As she berates him about the flowers, Brandon explains that he bought them because he knows it is important to her and that he is going to try to please her because he loves Nadia. She scoffs and calls him stupid and young. She calls Nadia blind and Brandon arrogant.
WHAT. AN. OLD. SHRIVELED. BAT.
Fary goes on to say that Brandon is not a gentleman and has no class. Boyfriend just blew 75 bucks at 1-800-Flowers on your dried up old ass and you wouldn’t take them. Who is the classless one, Fary? Methinks all hands point to the swamp witch.
Another restaurant debacle as Farah berates JP having the gall to want to look at a menu before he orders dinner. I think that Farah and Fary need to get together and ride cackling off into the sunset, thinking of new ways to emasculate men daily. Poor JP is already a closet case, he needs to have a big hunk of man love placed provocatively on the other side of the door, then complete silence as he pokes his little head into the sunlight. Having a shrew like Farah constantly terrorizing him will only make that cute little turtle stay in his protective shell. I know what you are thinking, Gasmii – S-Natch should have been a psychotherapist.
HELLO, IS THIS 1-800-INEEDAMAN?
Well, that’s it for episode 2, Gasmii! What do you think? Is Fary being too hard on Brandon or is S-Natch just viewing the situation out of lust glasses? What do you think about John Paul and man love? Do you think Galen will ever get lucky?
Till next time! XXOO