Dirty Soap Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

Greetings, Gasmii! Loving your comments! Behind the scenes shenanigans, conspiracy theories, and interesting opinions abound. I love the convos we are having together – it makes it all so much more soapy fun!

EVERYONE LOVES BUBBLES!

Lets dive right in, shall we?

Our show this week open with Nadia and Brandon – always a good start. Brandon is talking about trim. Nadia, his beard girlfriend, scoffs and tells him to go climb a tree. He successfully climbs said tree and Nadia tells him to spank the monkey, causing JP to suddenly appear out of nowhere.

PLUS

EQUALS

Nadia gets a call from her publicist who tells her that the San Diego Padres want to have her come to the ballpark to be eye candy for pubescent boys sing the National Anthem. Flashback to Nadia singing the National Anthem at another ballgame: “Oh say can you see by the dawn’s early light…..uh…. by the ramparts we watched..”  Epic.  Fail.

Nadia’s publicist tells her that a lot of people are familiar with her acting abilities so he is having trouble booking her this will give her another avenue for her talents. This man is astute – there is a big market for National Anthem butcherers.

WHAT’S ONE MORE??

Kelly is at the airport. She is delayed for five hours. This must be the “soap stars are just like us” segment of the show. She is having cocktails and lying on the nasty airport floor. Yup, it is.

Kelly’s family is from the Poconos. So is her ex. Dun dun dun. I like Kelly’s mom. The first thing she does, after getting Kelly a Mai Tai the size of Rhode Island, is tell her that she is too skinny. Like every anorexic body conscious girl, Kelly retorts that she is just “fit.” Mom ain’t having it. She says it bone covered in skin does not equate fit, and Kelly says she knows she it too skinny when her boobs are gone, and they are there. What do they do, move to Vegas where they can feast on the all you can eat buffet at Bally’s? As a lifelong yo-yo dieter, I can tell you that the boobs are the last to go. By the time the boobs are gone, you are too skinny. Kelly brags that she is at least 98 pounds. My left thigh weighs 98 pounds.

Mom calls shenanigans and brings down the scale. KELLY WEIGHS 92 POUNDS! You know what else weighs 92 pounds?

A CHILD

Kelly really doesn’t care, and pays lips service to the camera that she is glad that her mom “calls me out on things,” never addressing the fact that she is too damn thin. Mom tells her to shut up and drink her sugar and calorie laden bowl of liquid love.

The whole fam jumps on Kelly about not dating. Mom says go for the free meal if nothing else, then corrects herself by telling Kelly she is a cheap date because she doesn’t eat anything. Kelly goes to the table and makes a big deal about eating the bagel crumbs her sister left on the table and says her only criteria for a boyfriend is that he have a big what-Brandi-said (a/k/a c**k).

WHAT’S UP WITH THESE WOMEN AND THEIR OBSESSIONS WITH ROOSTERS?

Mom wants Kelly to be the next Bachelorette. I think she would actually be a really funny Bachelorette. And, apparently, Dad would shoot them all with a shotgun. That certainly would be a lot more entertaining than the format that piece of dreck show has now, fer shur.

On with the Parade of Eating Disorders! Farah Cam lets us know that Farah and JP are road tripping it to Kentucky. Farah says JP is eating fresh and she is eating fast. Then we are treated to Farah grimacing and making multiple excursions into various truck stops. Either she is making sure that every morsel of her Fillet O’ Fish is swimming in the porcelain pool, or she is not taking my mama’s advice to just lie back and think pleasant thoughts.

They are going to Kentucky to see Farah’s folks. Farah interviews that her dad got her started drinking bourbon at age 5. ‘Splains a lot.

AWWW – SHE’S HARDLY CHANGED A BIT – JUST GOTTEN BITCHIER!

As Farah is leaving, her sister tells her that a fan has found out she was here and wants to say hello. Farah looks out of the door and sees a woman sitting and reading.  She is apparently content to wait for the long haul.

ANOTHER PHOTO FOR THE FBI

Farah has a mini-freak out and tells her family that this is a mega-stalker who is obsessed with Nadia and her. She said that once Nadia had put out on Twitter where she and Farah were having dinner, and this chick called the restaurant and asked to talk to Nadia.

Now, I am the last person who would ever stalk Farah (Brandon, however, …JK), but I feel for her on this one. This shit is just creepy. And where do these people find the time to stalk? Between sleeping, eating, napping, eating, and going to bed, my day is jammed packed! If it came down to sitting outside a building in bumfuck Kentuck or having another Twinkie? Well, the choice is clear, is it not?

MAYBE THE OL’ HO-HO ON A STICK PLOY MIGHT LURE HER AWAY

This must be the parent-from-Hell episode, because next we see Nadia and her sea hag mother, Fary. Remember her from the Nadia birthday episode?

This should be fun. If by “fun” you mean piercing your eyeball with a long, pointy wooden skewer.

YEAH, ABOUT AS MUCH FUN AS THIS!

Brandon walks in and greets Fary who just sneers and stares at him, then looks at Nadia without saying a word.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. BITCH McBITCHERSON

Nadia announces that she is going to be singing the National Anthem again, and Fary asks her if she will be able to manage it because “last time you did poop poop.” Yes, that is a quote. Not only is Fary a warm and supportive parent, she is a cunning linguist (tee hee hee ) as well. Brandon reassures her that the best singers in the world have messed up the National Anthem.

WORD.

Brandon continues to say that it will be different because, unlike last time, he and her mom will be there. “Maybe we will be your lucky charms,” he says sweetly.

Okay, Gasmii, let’s analyze, shall we? Nadia says she is singing the National Anthem, something that scares her because the previous time she did it was traumatic. Fary fuels her insecurity by reminding her of the debacle, while Brandon tries to calm her and lets her know he supports her and has faith in her. Hmmmm – No wonder Witchy McWitcherson hates Brandon – he’s a prick.

Fary redeems herself a tad when she recounts how proud Nadia’s father was of her when she sang. It is clear that Fary loved Nadia’s father very much – both episodes have proven that – so the question is why wouldn’t she want the same for Nadia? Is she jealous that Nadia may find true love as well? Is she clinging to Nadia because her husband is dead? Speak, Gasmii, speak.

Kelly and her mom are lying on the bed when Mom pulls up Kelly’s shirt and declares that she looks like “one of those starving children.” She does.

There is a big jubilee in town and Mike (the ex) may be there. Dun dun dun. Her family is still in contact with Mike because her nephews are close with him. Actually, Mom says that the whole family is “cordial” with him. Mom understands that the end of an 18-year relationship is very hard on Kelly.

That brings up an interesting point, Gasmii. When a significant other becomes another member of the family, what happens to the feeling and relationships among the indirect parties – mothers, dads, nephews, sisters, etc.? A sticky wicket, indeed.

Bob the vocal coach comes to visit Nadia. Nadia really does have a lovely vibrato. For those of you who don’t sing (or, as in my case, don’t sing well), vibrato is that kind of pulsating sound at the end of notes. When you see string instrument players moving their hand back and forth on the strings, they are creating vibrato. Some human voices do it naturally, some can be enhanced. I have virtually no vibrato in my voice, so I appreciate a beautiful one. Your lesson for the week, Gasmii.

Farah is “cooking” with her mom. The marriage question raises its ugly head. Mom is pissed because both of her daughters are hopeless sluts living in sin with their boyfriends.

Apparently Farah’s parents are very poor. Dad takes JP to a cow pasture to play golf, and had to borrow the tablecloth so he wouldn’t be outside in his skivvies.

JP says how much he appreciates Dad’s fashion sense and gets a little woody 3 Wood out of his golf bag.

DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK STRAIGHT?

JP is distracted by the presence of so many balls, and golfs poorly. Dad bets JP that if he makes the last shot, JP will put a ring on it. Think that Dad is talking about lil’ JP, not Farah, he agrees. Dad misses the shot, and JP is, once again, disappointed.

Still reeling with disappointment, JP wonders aloud if one can wear cock rings on the golf course. Dad mentions that the British never wear them, prompting JP to go on a rant about how the British “do a lot of things wrong.” Like talk.

CAN’T ARGUE. NO ONE EVER WANTS TO HEAR THE TAMPON TAPES AGAIN!

*sigh* Farah is at a bar with her dad and sees someone she knows getting married across the street. Her dad then gets her drunk and pimps her out asks her to sign some autographs for his beer buddies. Dad decides to tell Farah that she is an old hag, and that her eggs are rotting inside her body. He asks her if she ever wants to spawn, and Farah says she has to wait for the okay from the Underworld.

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS DADDY!

Dad goes on to say that if Farah doesn’t give him any babies, he will have to rely on her sister.

HI PAWPAW – I MEAN DADDY!

Farah says she is too busy to raise Hell’s minions and is perfectly content never to be a mother. And the world has just become a little safer.

Farah goes on to wisely say (hey, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then) that JP is not her cake, he is just the icing on her cake, and she will be fine with or without him. She turns the tables by telling Dad that she would be happier if one of her parents would remarry before she got engaged. Dad responds that give him some bourbon, a bucket of chicken, a banjo, and a purty mouth, and he’s happier than a pig in slop.

OH. SHIT.

Dad tells Farah bye, and confirms what one of our beloved readers said – her character, GiGi, is no longer dead. You heard it here first! About two weeks ago. Great catch, Gasmii!

We are back in the Poconos, and I see we have been duped! Instead of the Jubilee begin a festival to celebrate an important anniversary, it is a “family” oriented pool hall. I thought we only had those in the South.

Suddenly, scary music plays, and who do we see in the background?

IT’S MIKE!

OMG!!! What’s going to happen? Mike comes up and tells Kelly she looks great and that it is really good to see her. He says that he has had time to reflect on the mistakes that were made, and that he will never go a day in his life without wanting her. He tells Kelly “You are (note the present tense verb) the love of my life. There is never going to be a ‘you’ ever again.” He goes on to say that he wishes he could take back all he has done to hurt her. I’ll bet that Fary hates his ass, too.

YOU REFLECTIVE, CIVIL, APOLOGETIC, AND COMPLIMENTARY? YOU NO GENTLEMAN. BE GONE.

Kelly tells him that actions speak louder than words, and Mike again eats humble pie and owns what he did (even though cheating is implied, it is not overtly mentioned). Kelly unloads on him and he takes it, allowing her to have closure. Afterwards, he walks away calmly. I have to hand it to Mike, I am sure he did something(s) pretty bad to end the relationship, but he seems to have grown and he really does care about Kelly.

THANKS FOR BEING A GROWN UP, MIKE. FARY STILL HATES YOU, THOUGH.

Nadia is stuck in traffic on her way to the ballpark! Egads – Brandon is stuck in the car with Nadia and Fary. Poor Brandon. Nadia is having flashbacks to her last debacle when she also had a bad arrival. Brandon tries to negotiate traffic while Fary bitches about his driving from the back seat.

Here we go!

I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD THOSE BURRITOS FOR LUNCH

Nadia’s voice goes dark on a couple of the low notes and she has one small voice crack, but overall it was a really good performance. Now, who’s going to tell her that most people just want the Anthem singer to hurry up and finish so they can go to the beer line one more time before the game starts?

Kelly decides to bully talk to her family about ending their relationships with Mike. She threatens them that she can’t come home as often unless the family cuts him out of their lives as well. She says she needs her parents’ support, and Mom agrees to cut Mike out of their lives as well.

Brandon said that he enjoyed being at the ballgame with Nadia and Fary because while Nadia was singing Fary had to shut up for once. Brandon got Nadia a National Anthem gift. It is a framed picture of Nadia and her dad performing at her sister’s wedding reception a year before he died. Nadia asked if he got the picture from her mom, and Brandon laughs.

NADIA, YOU IGNORANT SLUT. YOUR MOM WOULD NEVER GIVE ME ANYTHING. EXCEPT FOR A SACKFUL OF THE NINE CIRCLES OF HELL

Brandon tells Nadia that if she ever doubts herself, she needs to look at the picture and remind herself that Dad is looking out for her. Nadia thanks Brandon, then demands that he get naked. That Nadia is one smart girl.

Well, that’s it, Gasmii! What do you think? Was Kelly’s threat to her mom fair? Has Mike repented? Will JP ever ask Farah to marry him? When will Brandon haul off and smack Fary across the face?

Til next time!