Dirty SOAP Recap

Happy November, Gasmii! Fall has finally struck here in the balmy South. The leaves are red and golden and the temperature is 70 degrees. Life is good. And totally worth being sticky and melty for three months during the 100 degree, 100 percent humidity summers. But, Gasmii, I digress. Let’s get started with our favorite vicarious thrill, Dirty Soap!

We open with Farah terrorizing the breakfast truck lady. Apparently, BT Lady has broken the Laws of the Universe and forgotten to put cheese on Farah’s breakfast wrap. Farah charges the lady like a bull rhino, and explains that the cheese makes the trip back up her esophagus much smoother, then punches her between the eyes. ‘K, not really, but it could happen. She sent JP to do it instead. Seriously. Lucky for the breakfast lady that he punches like a girl.

WELL, MAYBE NOT THIS GIRL. SHE LOOKS KINDA BADASS.

Farah then bullies JP into agreeing that she emasculates him bosses him around out of a deep and abiding love and care for him. I’ll buy that. And my ass just widened itself. It has nothing to do with my three-a-day oatmeal crème pie habit.

JP tries to recover his balls respond, but he stutters and Farah kicks him in his family jewels and tells him that if he can’t speak without stuttering then he needs to keep his pie hole shut. Which will be a great disappointment to the men at Lucky’s Go-Go Arama.

JP is being very charming and signing autographs for the fans outside the OLTL studio. I have noticed that he always takes the time to talk with the fans and to make them feel special – even Farah’s stalker chicks. Why is it, Gasmii, that the sweet ones always hook up with the biggest bitches? As if to prove my point, we cut to Farah scowling at her inferior breakfast wrap and screeching JP’s name.

BRING ME A SHRUBBERY! NOW, YOU STUTTERING BASTARD!

Farah is on the OLTL set, and is flubbing her lines re-donk-ulously. She says that it is because of her storyline. Her character was killed by carbon monoxide poisoning so now she is a ghost. We are forced to watch a clip of Farah’s stellar acting ability through a flashback of Gigi “dying,” and I pray that ghosts are mute.

She is also playing Stacy, Gigi’s evil sister. No stretch there. Piece o’ cake. Farah humbly states brags to JP that “once you’ve come back from the dead, you’ve made it in the soap world.” When JP just stares, she says, “Don’t you think?” and threatens him with a switchblade. JP comments that he came out of a coma once, but Farah snarks, “But you’ve never come back from the dead, have you? So there.” Oh, wait, I get it, Stacy, the evil sister, is a seven year old. Oh. No. That’s just our lovely Farah.

MAYBE IT’S TIME FOR A NEW BEARD, JP. JUST A SUGGESTION.

We switch to Nadia and discover how much she really hates Brandon. His family is coming into town, and she is calling her mother, our wonderful Fary, to come over as well. Fary at first says she is doing very well, but when Nadia tells her why she wants her to come over, she claims to have a cold. Silly, Fary, everyone knows that cold-blooded creatures don’t get the flu! Nadia tells her to sun herself on a rock for a few hours then come anyway.

Fary interviews that she does not respect Brandon’s mother or his father. I am certain that they love you, though! I mean, who doesn’t love a toad?

OH, WAIT. THAT’S A FROG.

THERE WE GO. TOAD.

She says that Brandon came from garbage so he is garbage. No hyperbole needed here, folks, that is what she actually said. I am so glad that someone like Fary is around to lecture everyone else on class, taste, and manners.

KINDA REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE ELSE.

Nadia tells Fary if she changes her mind to let her know, and Fary say she is sick and “When you are sick you can’t change your mind.” Yeah, but that would be based on the fact that you had a mind to begin with. Doubtful in this case.

Kelly’s “best friend,” Lauren, is coming over after a two-year absence. Kelly is unsure how Lauren is going to feel toward her because Lauren had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma but Kelly was too involved in her tumultuous relationship with Mike to be there for her.

Kelly starts off her conversation with Lauren with “Gee, I don’t know how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other,” to which Lauren replies, “I know exactly how long it has been. The last time I saw you was in 2009. I came here once and I never saw you again.” Boo-yah. I love it when people are called out on their bullshit, and this Lauren chick has been through too much hell to take Kelly’s crap about dropping the ball.

Kelly goes on to essentially blame Lauren, telling her that since they were both going through such traumatic situations that Kelly felt “nobody” needed her trauma on top of their own. Okay – I know that break ups are bad, but we are talking about CANCER here! Not just cancer, but the agony of cancer treatments as well!

YUP, KEL. TOTALLY THINK SHE IS BUYING THE SOAP OPERA TEARS AND YOUR PARTICULAR BRAND OF BULLSHIT.

Lauren tells Kelly how hurt she was when she was waiting at the hospital for Kelly, who had told her she was coming, but who never showed. She said that her pain meds made her keep thinking she was hearing Kelly’s voice, so she would wander around in the hall looking for her and asking the nurses where she was, but she was never there. Lauren says she had no one there with her and she kept looking for her but she never came.

SUCKIEST FRIEND IN. THE. WORLD.

Lauren says that she forgives Kelly, but this was not how she thought their friendship was going to go. Kelly cries that she (Kelly) needs Lauren’s friendship so much now. Really? Seriously? Is it ever not about you? Lauren, demonstrating what a true friend is, says that she is here and that she was not the one who ever really went away.

Then Kelly shows true contempt for her bodily fluids when she tells Lauren that she loves her like her blood. That must be some neglected as shit hemoglobin’s all I can say.

FEED ME!

Danny and Farah are meeting about his new product line. He hands Farah some lip plumper and asks her to try it. Then he points and laughs and tells her the active ingredient is Viagra, and that now her lips are going to have a hard on. Farah asks if it will work if she rubs it on JP’s penis, and Danny points and laughs yet again.

NOT UNLESS YOU LOOK LIKE THIS, HUN-TEY!!

Farah bitches that JP lives in his little boy world and never shares his toys with her. Yeah, that’s because he, Danny, and Nathaniel are busy doing three-ways in the back of Danny’s salon. She credits the fact that he is acting or, in fact breathing, on her being “pushy.” I wonder if she has considered the fact that she is “pushing him” the reason he can be so charming around the fans, but can’t say two words to her without stuttering like Woody Woodpecker? Food for thought, Farah!

Oh, boy! We get to meet Brandon’s “trashy” family! His dad, brother, and step-mom have arrived. Brandon and Nadia both agree that visits with his family are calmer than visits with she-who-shall-not-be-named. The first thing Brandon’s step-mom does is compliment Nadia on the house. Wow. These people sure are low class!

JUST LOOK AT THEM. WHAT WERE THEY, EXTRAS ON THE SET OF DELIVERANCE?

Brandon’s step-mom says the only thing that could possibly make the house lovelier is children. Fary thought the house would be lovelier with harem girls and hookah pipes. Judge for yourselves, Gasmii.

Brandon says that Nadia and he have discussed kids, and that Nadia definitely wants them. Brandon says that kids are important to him, too, but that Nadia’s mom is getting in the way.

Brandon – let S-Natch here give you the facts of life. Just grab Fary and force her outside into full sunlight. Bitch will explode into a pile of sooty ash, and you can bump uglies with Nadia til your little swimmers find their home in her sweet, sweet woman cave.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Nadia and Farah are getting free manis and pedis. Farah proves that she and Nadia were switched at birth by laughing about how “entertaining” Fary is, and how she always rags on Brandon. Kind of like Farah is always ragging on JP – see my point?

Nadia starts off by holding the party line of “that’s how she is,” and “I’m immune to it,” but as she talks about it never ending she admits that she is saddened by the way her mother treats her and the ones she loves.

Farah asks how a mother can treat her daughter like that. IT IS BECAUSE SHE IS A DEMON!

Kelly is going out to dinner with her girlfriends, and I notice that Lauren is not one of them. Hmmm. Seems like Lauren is the friend that Kelly pulls out when she wants to feel good about herself – like donating to one of those adopt-a-kid funds where you just give money but never have to worry about actually relating with the kid. What do you think, Gasmii?

OMG. Is that Shana Moakler I see chugging shots right next to Kelly? When is that chick’s 15 minutes up? Seems like it should have been one failed marriage, crappy television show, and rigged Miss Whatever-the-hell-it-was pageant ago.

YUP. THAT’S HER

Some loser comes over and introduces himself to Kelly. Wanna know how I know he is a loser? It starts with a “B” and sits on his French wannabe melon.

THREE GUESSES.

His name is Lou and he asks Kelly to lunch. Kelly pretends to eat pasta and ignore him until he goes away.

Kelly then congratulates herself to her friends (of which Lauren is not one), saying that she was working on the Children’s Miracle Network and met a girl named Michaela with leukemia. She tells her friends that she loves Michaela like blood and cannot wait to build Michaela up so she can let her down and blame Michaela for it. It’s like a record that plays over and over, is it not?

Uninspired and self-absorbed, Kelly can’t figure out how to make Michaela feel special, so her friends suggest a day on the soap being treated like a soap star might be a good idea. Sounds like a great idea, and I just hope it all goes well.

Farah and her minions are trying to get JP to buy something other than pajama pants. They all gang up on him and try to bully him into buying what they want him to wear. Farah says that when she tries to get JP to take off his pants it is like something dies inside of him. He agrees, and admits that lil’ jp is frightened of the big, mean lady.

JP tries on clothes and laughs at the ridiculous prices. JP then interviews that Farah “sucks the life force right out of me.” Bwahahaha!

YOU DON’T SAY

Eye candy alert! Brandon and JP are having lunch, and the first thing they talk about his how they are both lefties. Now, maybe I’m just an old prude, but all the boys I know need a little lead in time before they reveal which way they hang. Brandon reveals that he knows that Barack Obama is tilted to the left, too, and the Brandon waters get murkier and murkier.

JP tells Brandon that he and Farah got into a huge fight over her wanting him to wear $400 what-do-you-call-them sweaters. Brandon says that there is never an excuse for Farah to yell at JP, and reminds him that she is stealing his manhood and his lacy panties.

Brandon’s sage advice for making Farah less bossy? Let her have her way. I was thinking more along the lines of a smack across the kisser, but, hey, Mr. S-Natch learned long ago to leave the path between me and the box o’ wine cleared of all debris, so Brandon may have a point.

Brandon says that he picks and chooses his battles with Nadia, but that the Sea Hag scares the shit out of him. Brandon invites JP to meet his folks, saying his dad loves beer and poker. JP asks if he is single and demonstrates his skillz.

DOES YOUR DAD PREFER HIS MEN IN STRIPED OR PLAID PJ PANTS?

Brandon goes into a tirade over Fary, complaining that the only person who can stand up to her is Nadia, but Nadia won’t do it. JP’s response?  “Have you ever had eye work done?”

YEAH, BRANDON, US, TOO.

JP is not gay. At. All.

Michaela arrives to the set of GH in a limo. She is lovely and very bright, and seems much older than 12 years old. She gets a wig and makeup, wardrobe, and a photo shoot.

Nadia and Brandon talk about the successful visit with his parents. Brandon says that his parents love Nadia so much and when they come it warms the house up, but when Fary come the fiery pit of Hell opens up and destroys everything in its path. Brandon said that if his dad ever said anything bad about Nadia he would kick him to the curb. Nadia says it is really hard to be in the middle, and Brandon advises her to tell Fary to butt out. Nadia says she has been brainwashed her whole life into thinking that pleasing Fary is her mission in life. Brandon says that Nadia deserves joy in her life, and that Fary is just one big, fat joy succubus.

Back to the set of GH, where Michaela is going to have a walk on role. Michaela is adorable – nervous and excited at the same time – until Kelly burns up her wig with a curling iron. Kelly interviews that all of this is reminding her of her friend, Lauren, and that she feels Michaela needs a friend right now. Probably. But not one who is friending her out of guilt or a need to be seen as a charitable person. IMO.

Kelly takes Michaela to the wig store to get a real hair wig. Michaela says that getting a nice wig is really important to her because she gets teased for not having hair. She says that after nine months of no hair, this hair gives her confidence. She graciously thanks Kelly for the wig.

Is it just me, or is Michaela a pretty remarkable 12 year old? She is so well spoken, intelligent, and gracious. I know a lot of “adults” who could take lessons from her!

AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL – WITH OR WITHOUT HAIR

Speak of the devil! Next we have Nadia and Fary. Nadia and Brandon are telling Fary that his parents missed seeing her. Fary graciously responds, “It’s good people sad when they not see me. I wish you were sad when you not see me.” Yup. There’s a great chance of that happening.

JUST ASK THIS GUY

Nadia tells Fary it is hard for Brandon to be happy to see her when all she does is criticize him. Fary’s response (written here word for word, thanks to subtitles): “You criticize people who, they are dating your daughter because you try to make them what education or manners they not got because they can’t say, ‘Thank you Fary.’” W….T…F…??!!

She goes on to say that Brandon cannot win her heart because he behaves like he is “The King of Hollywood.” Let’s see.. he brings you flowers and you make him put them on another table and won’t touch them. He tries to kiss you hello and you pull away and snarl. He tells you how much he loves your daughter and you call him arrogant. He agrees with you about the furniture and you tell him to “zip it.” If I were the King of Hollywood, you know what I would say?

FUCK YOU, FARY!

Nadia tries to take up for Brandon and Fary tells her to let him talk for himself. They start arguing about how Fary never liked any of Nadia’s boyfriends, and Fary claims that there were some she never talked shit about, like Daniel. Brandon says that Fary told him that Daniel was a drug dealer, to which Fary says, “No. That was you. I said YOU were a drug dealer.”

AGAIN, I ASK YOU GASMII – W. T. F. ?!

Nadia tells Fary that she just made her point, asking her who would want to be spoken to like that. Fary then blames “friends” for saying Brandon was a drug dealer. Brandon says produce the “friends,” and Fary says she loves them and would not bring up their names.

Brandon calls bullshit (actually he called “crap”) and says Fary is a liar. Fary says that “crap” means something is garbage, so Brandon is calling her a liar and garbage. Boy, this hag can twist some words, can she not?

Nadia desperately tries to stand up for Brandon, and Fary tries to shut her up. Fary finally says that if Nadia says she is happy with Brandon then she (Fary) will “never make a nightmare for Brandon. He is welcome,” and I swear I see her nose grow 6 inches.

Nadia says it, word for word. What does Fary say? “Not true,” and accuses Nadia of saying that only because she is drunk. Bwhahaha!

I feel sorry for anyone wasting their time with the Housewives franchise (which I do) but who is not watching this. Fary is Queen Bitch of All Reality TV. There. I said it! (And I am NOT taking it back no matter how blotchy Alex McCord gets!)

Drunk Assed Nadia finds her voice and yells at her mother that because Fary has abandonment issues she is foisting them onto Nadia. That Fary assumes Brandon will leave her. Nadia tells Fary she is sabotaging everything and Fary says it is because she has “an asshole as a boyfriend,” and stomps out of the house. Wow.

Nadia is stunned and starts to feel guilty about Fary storming out. Brandon reassures her that she was not wrong, and that it made him feel good that she stood up for him. He thanks her and tells her it means a lot to him. Yeah. He’s an asshole.

Farah tries to appease JP by playing golf with him. In a tube maxi dress.

A THOUSAND WORDS, GASMII

Farah talks about how hard they are working to get a ball into a little hole. All together now, Gasmii –

THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!

Farah sets up a picnic on the 18th hole. She bribes him with a membership to the golf course. If he moves to California with her.

So, Gasmii, what do you think? This episode had tons of stuff to talk about. Like Nadia standing up for Brandon. Like JP getting henpecked then manipulated. Like Kelly being a shitty friend, but arranging a great day for Michaela. Speak – our time is running out (see below).

Egads! The previews say that the next episode is the season finale! I guess we know now that Kirsten is not coming back to the show! I feel like we just got started. Let’s hope there is more bloodshed next week!