DOLLHOUSE: Edward Scissor Pud & Tasty Couture

Season Finale! Alpha gets crazy, Echo gets wise, Dr. Saunders gets outted, and everbody gets laid!We begin moments after the previous episode ended. In case you smoked a bit too much while watching last weeks ep, remember that Alpha (played by Whedon-verse fav, Wash from “Firefly”) f’d up Victor’s face and imprinted Echo with a new personality (we don’t know what) and the two were last scene getting’ all smoochie in the elevator.

Now, Dr. Saunders comes running out of her office all freakin’ out and rambling about Victor getting attacked. Fortunately everyone immediately knows she’s talking about Alpha and the gears are set in motion – the meds are sent in to help Victor (how many employees does the Dollhouse have? I’d like to know), and Topher is given the task of figuring out what imprint Echo now has.

Unfortunately for Topher it seems that Alpha has “buried” the imprint on Topher’s computer. What I love about computers is that nothing involving them ever needs to make sense on a TV show, cause none of us really understand how computers work in the first place. If the show were about, say, Victorian England, it just wouldn’t work…

LORD TOPHER: M’lady, I fear the dastardly Alpha has out witted me. He has buried the file.
LADY DEWITT: Buried? Where?
LORD TOPHER: Hmm? Oh, uh, under my other files I guess.
LADY DEWITT: Can’t you just look through them until you find it?
LORD TOPHER: Mmm, yes, I suppose, but I have ever so many files. T’would take me a fortnight and we do not have the time!

But fortunately for us we’re living in the confusing 21st century, so it doesn’t matter. We’re talking about equipment that doesn’t make any sense to begin with. Alpha buried the file, and now it’s gone. Nuff said. Topher needs to get creative. Boyd jumps into the discussion and is all, What about Echo’s tracking device? But Topher is like, No dice, Alpha removed her GPS strip. And everyone’s like, Damn, that Alpha thinks of everything!

During all this Dr. Saunders looks like she’s going slowly insane. When the others leave she tells Topher that Alpha asked her if she’d always wanted to be a doctor and Topher suddenly gets incredibility suspicious looking (please remind me to play poker with this dude). He’s like all, Er uh who knows the mind of a crazy person, right? And she’s all, The person who made him crazy maybe. Then she walks away and Topher continues looking even more extra suspicious.

I’m telling you people, Dr. Saunders is a doll! Why won’t you believe me?! (I’m choosing to pretend people are against me.) Now they’re just making it obvious. Every episode I keep waiting for it to get revealed. But I think it’s finally going to happen now.

Then we cut to the highway, where Alpha and Echo are cruising along in a car, talking to each other in southern accents. He’s Bobby. She’s Crystal. And they just went on a shopping spree. Echo starts rambling on about all the stuff they’ve been through together, like the first job they pulled when she was 13. Then Alpha starts having weird flashes and talking to himself. He drops his southern accent and informs Echo that they didn’t know each other when she was 13, and his name isn’t really Bobby.

She’s all, Huh? The she gets distracted when she realizes that the woman at the store forgot to put her Tasty Couture shirt in the bag! Then she yells at the woman, who it turns out is bound and gagged in the back seat. Oo, fun. A hostage.

Then we get a graphic informing us that it’s “A Few Years Ago.” Flashback time. We’re in a dollhouse handler van with Ramirez (Victor’s handler) and another handler. They’re buggin’ out about how their dolls have gone off book, so to speak, and they’re trying to get them back. They’re on the horn with Topher and DeWitt, and Topher is all, I warned you that these two imprints are prone to paranoia!

Now some Roy Orbison kicks in as we segue to Alpha and Echo in a dingy warehouse. This is still the flashback. They have a dude named Lars tied to a chair. Echo dances sexily, silhouetted in front of car’s headlights, while Alpha interrogates Lars.

Lars was the paying client for the gig they’ve gone off book on. He breaks down and informs them that they aren’t “real.” They’re just characters who think they’re on a Natural Born Killers-style doomed-romance, cross-country crime spree. This was supposed to be Lars fantasy, he says, but now it has blown up in his face. Wait, hold on. That was his fantasy? To be the third wheel on some other couple’s doomed-romance, cross-country crime spree?

Why didn’t he want to be in Alpha’s place here? That’s sad, Lars. In high school when we did our senior mock awards there was one for Most Desirable To Be Stranded On A Desert Island With. I voted for Sabra Lofgren (I’m from Minnesota, people have goofy names) and myself. The girl sitting next to me accused me of being egotistical for voting for myself. “You think you’re the most desirable guy to be stranded with,” she said. Well I stand by my vote. Why would I want to be trapped on an island with a hot chick and some sexy dude? That makes no sense. Lars need to expand his fantasies.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, so Alpha isn’t too pleased when pathetic Lars says Crystal isn’t “real.” So Alpha calls Crystal over and -

OMG! It’s not Echo! It’s Dr. Saunders! She is a doll! Ah ha! I knew it!

So Crystal, aka Dr. Saunders, aka Whiskey, comes over and starts performing what I can only describe as lap-dance-torture on Lars, with Alpha periodically joining in to make out with Dr. Saunders on top of Lars. Lars is crying the whole time, but I have to assume this is kind of what he wanted. I remind you that he paid thousands and thousands of dollars, hiring a covert and illegal company to provide a simulation in which he was part of someone else’s doomed-romance crime spree.

Well, before Lars can start getting into his ménage-a-trois the handlers break in and diffuse the situation.

Back in the present: our ex-FBI agent, Battlestar Galactica’s Helo, is tied to a chair in DeWitt’s office. Boyd and DeWitt enter looking flustered and Helo’s all, Did the nerd I brought with me give you guys the slip? And DeWitt’s all, That nerd is a super genius super psycho and he took Caroline, way to go dick. Then suddenly the fuzz show up outside. Seems Alpha called in a terrorist threat. Curse ye, Alpha! You think of everything! But Helo’s all, No sweat, I can take care of this.

So Helo goes outside where BSG’s Romo Lampkin (I don’t know his name on this show), is running things. Helo’s all, Yo dawg, this is the dollhouse, right here underground. Apparently that’s all it takes, cause Romo gets all annoyed, then calls the whole thing off, assuming Helo called in the threat as part of his dollhouse obsession. I’d make a joke about this, but I live in LA and that seems about how thoroughly law enforcement works out here.

In DeWitt’s office, Topher comes in and says some more computery jargon about how Alpha has done something with all of the imprints that Echo ever had. Then DeWitt looks to the heavens and thrusts up her arms yelling “Allllphaaaa!” No, she doesn’t really, but that would’ve been fun.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Dr. Saunders is putting disinfectant on Victor’s fresh stitches. He’s all, How can I be my best now? And Saunders is all, You can’t. You’re ugly now. You’re disgusting. All you can hope for is pity and for that you’re gonna have to look somewhere else.

Ouch. Dr. Saunders seems pretty grumpy today. It’s as though slowly realizing that her whole life might be a total life is bothering her. How unprofessional.

Yay! More flashback! Whiskey/Dr. Saunders is brought in to see the real Dr. Saunders, who is a middle aged white dude. So they just named Whiskey Dr. Saunders too? That seems lazy. Does she think she’s a middle-aged dude then?

Well, seems our Fake Dr. Saunders has hurt her shoulder, so the Real Dr. Saunders gives her a lolly. He tells Ramirez (Whiskey’s handler) that he keeps recommending a week off for Whiskey, but we learn that she is the most popular doll, which Ramirez seems creepily proud of. Then they get a call that a new doll is arriving…

Echo! Or rather, Caroline at this point. She is getting a tour from DeWitt as she is brought to Topher for brain wiping. Alpha is getting a massage when he spots her (Echo I mean) and seems to fall immediately in love. Aw. I bet things work out great for these two. I just know it!

Back in the crappy present, Topher is all surly that Helo is in his lab. I guess he’s still angry about getting tased in the last ep. Plus Helo’s clearly a jock, and Topher is a nerd, and if 80′s movies have taught me anything it’s that nerds don’t like jocks. But DeWitt’s all, We need his help so shut up. Then some dolls are brought in so they can be programmed to track down Alpha. One of the dolls is everybody’s favorite character, Smellie, which of course weirds out Helo. I’m weirded out too, just cause I want to stop seeing her.

Alpha and Echo arrive at his lair, which is a warehouse full of computers and equipment and his very own brain wiping chair. They’ve brought their hostage with them, who is apparently named Wendy. Alpha is gonna do something to her in his makeshift brain chair. Something not good I’d guess. As Echo watches him do nonsense on his various computers she starts saying a bunch of dumb crap (cause Crystal is clearly a bit dumb). Alpha, who is suffering from some manner of multiple personality disorder, is having a little argument with himself, and then he snaps at Echo. Then suddenly he switches personalities and is nice to her. He calms Echo down, and then promptly fries Wendy’s brains. Poor Wendy.

Flashback! Alpha wanders up to Echo in the hall of the Dollhouse. Then he kisses her. She has absolutely no response, and continues talking to him as if nothing even happened. Hey! That’s what girls always do to me! Echo is all, I’m trying to be my best, and he’s all, You are the best, I like you, you’re special. Then he gets his make-out on again. Maybe he could’ve gotten to second base, but his handler shows up to totally cb’s him. He sends Echo away and is all, What the hell are you doing? And Alpha’s all, Me no understando what “hell” is? And his handler’s like, Watch your step, and then Alpha looks down at his feet as he walks away. Awww. I know he’s a murdering psychopath, but he’s just so adorable!

In the present! Topher has just finished new-braining Smellie while Sierra (with new imprint) hits on Helo. She’s like a bounty hunter or something and it would appear that Smellie is going to be her partner. Groan. I hope we don’t get too much of this. Sierra deserves better than to have her subplot Smellied.

Meanwhile in Alpha’s lair, Wendy is now unconscious, her brain presumably wiped. Alpha continues being crazy, holding one of the hard drives that imprints are stored on up to his ear and bein’ all, There she is, can you hear her? Echo is all, You’re scaring me Bobby, and he’s all, There’s only one person you need to be afraid of. And then he indicates the hard drive. What imprint is on the drive that’s so scary? Hitler?! I bet it’s Hitler. She should be afraid of Hitler. He was a vegetarian. You can’t trust those people.

Back in Topher’s lab Helo is asking about Alpha’s dollhouse massacre, what he “wanted.” Topher is all, Nothing dude, he was just crazy, he had 48 personalities dumped into his brain all at once and snapped. Helo is all, He still must have had an agenda, who did he attack first? Topher thinks a moment and realizes… Himself! He smashed his original-self hard drive (which they’re now calling a “wedge” I think). Hmm, why would Alpha smash his original-self wedge? Unless he was… Hitler! OMFG!

Then Helo asks where Caroline’s original imprint is? Topher returns with a smashed wedge. Boyd asks if there’s a back up, but that was the back up! So where is the original?

In Alpha’s lab Wendy is waking up and Alpha greets her with, “Hello Caroline.” Using my remarkable powers of deduction, I proclaim that Alpha took Caroline’s wedge and imprinted her brain onto Wendy! I, my friends, am a genius.

Anyway, Wendy (as Caroline) is like, Has it been 5 years? Then she’s sees Echo (aka, herself). Jesus, this show is confusing to write about. Well, obviously awkwardness ensues. Wendy is all, Wtf, put me back in my own body. And Alpha goes on a crazy rant about how Caroline abandoned her body.

Flashback! Fake Dr. Saunders, Alpha and Echo are in bonsai trimming class. Ramirez shows up and talks with the teacher about how popular Whiskey is – the #1 doll. Alpha hears this and then looks over at Echo, his crush still going strong. Then he calmly goes over to Fake Dr. Saunders and says, “Let Echo be #1″ then slashes her face and starts attacking her.

Goons come in and bring Alpha to Topher’s lab. Topher is supposed to run a test on Alpha to see what went wrong, then put Alpha in the Attic. Alpha’s handler is trying to calm him down, but Alpha struggles. He kicks his handler, who trips and hits some controls. Then… computer nonsense!

Alpha ends up getting brain-fried, the 48 imprints we heard about moments ago all getting imprinted at once. When it’s done he jams his thumbs into his handler’s eyes and says, “Now I understand hell.”

In the present! Helo comes into DeWitt’s office with a binder of Alpha’s 48 personalities and is like, This don’t tell me shit, who is Alpha, who is his soul? Topher gets scientifically annoyed and is like, Soul? Pft. But Boyd sides with Helo. He also wants to know who Alpha used to be. DeWitt agrees to tell them.

In Alpha’s lair, Echo is now in the brain chair and Wendy is like, Don’t let him brainscan you, girlfriend, he’s crazy. But Echo is all, he’s gonna make me a transcendent being and junk. Then they’re gonna kill Wendy for a blood ritual. Yup. You heard me. Alpha is nuts. Then Alpha hits a button and says, “Alpha, meet Omega.”

Alpha is jamming all of Echo’s imprints into her brain at once. When it’s done she hops out of the chairs, looking ready for action. Alpha says “My gods.” (even more BSG!) Echo is all, Now I get it, now I understand everything.

Unfortunately for Alpha, what she understands is that he’s batshit crazy. She picks up a pipe to kill Wendy, but spins around and brains Alpha instead.

In DeWitt’s office, Boyd and Helo look over Alpha’s file. His real name is Carl William Kraft. He was a criminal. Dollhouse used inmates to experiment on when they were first starting out, granting the guinea pigs reduced sentences. Kraft got busted for kidnapping and attempted murder. Didn’t the Dollhouse peeps read “Frankenstein?” You don’t use criminal brains! Come on people.

Back in Alpha’s lair, he’s all like, Ow, why’d you hit me? And Echo is all, Um, you wanted me to kill myself, that’s messed up. And he’s all, Not you-you, the old you. Then she’s all, we’re not gods, but he’s all, Well we’re not regular humans anymore. Then Echo turns to Wendy and is all, Why’d you walk away from our body? And Caroline-Wendy is like, It’s complicated. Then suddenly Alpha attacks Echo and a battle ensues!

Meanwhile, Boyd and Helo show up at the residence of Kraft’s attempted murder victim being all like, Hey we wanna talk to you about the dude who kidnapped and tried to kill you. Over her intercom she’s all, I don’t let strangers into my house anymore. But I’m about to go to work, so I’ll come down. Then Boyd is like, We might be traumatizing this woman for no reason, there’s probably no connection. But then she comes downstairs and has face scars just like Alpha always leaves.

Let me use my amazing powers of deduction again. So that means that Alpha’s craziness has always been there, and isn’t caused by the imprint overload he suffered! God I’m good.

Back in our Alpha/Omega battle. Alpha is all, I thought you were special. And Echo is all, I’m not your girlfriend chump. Then she knocks his ass out. Considering what a big deal they’ve made this whole season of what a scary badass Alpha is, he isn’t seeming very badass at the moment. Echo beat him up pretty easily.

Then Echo goes to rescue Wendy. Caroline-in-Wendy, is like, Yo, you gotta put Wendy’s brain back in here and me back on the wedge. Echo is all, Why not come home to my/your body. But Wendy is all, Nah, I signed a contract. Then Echo is like, But we have a black president now. Then Wendy is like, Really, well that totally convinced me, let’s do this thang. But it’s too late – Alpha shoots Wendy in the neck and she all sortsa instantly dies. Then Alpha points his gun at the Caroline wedge, and is all, Do what I say or I’ll blow your brain out.

Back at the Dollhouse, Topher is still trying to figure out what imprint is in Echo. He sticks wedges into the brain chair, and then uses a doohickie that tells him whether it’s a match or not. Ah, more computer nonsense that I don’t need to understand. I love it. Oh, and I decided to google the doohickie he’s using – the Velleman DVM850BL. If anyone is curious (and you really shouldn’t be) it’s a digital multimeter. I was hoping it would turn out to be a meat thermometer or something in real life, but it seems like it vaguely does the kind of thing he’s using it for. Damn you “Dollhouse” and your high level of quality!

Topher gets a call from Boyd asking if Alpha ever had any incidents in San Pedro when he was a doll, which is where Kraft had taken his attempted murder victim (but she didn’t know exactly where). Topher mentions the Natural Born Killers flashback from the beginning, which was in San Pedro apparently. Alpha must have a connection with that place! Boyd and Helo head for Alpha’s lair. Then Topher realizes that Echo must be imprinted with the old Whiskey imprint! The Velleman DVM850BL says it’s a match. And Dr. Saunders was listening from the doorway! Now she officially knows!

Back in Alpha’s favorite lair, Alpha explains his new plan (now that Echo ruined his old one) to put Caroline back in Echo than kill her. Then he’s gonna kidnap girls around the country and put Caroline into them and then hack them up and kill them too until he gets bored doing it. Needless to say Echo isn’t down with this plan. He’s like, Back off or I’ll blast the wedge. She’s like, Whatever, blast it. Then she calls him, “Edward Scissor pud.” This is apparently super offensive to him, because then Alpha shoots Echo in the arm and runs away. Again, he’s not seeming very badass. Why is he running? But whatever the case, he runs and she chases him outside the lair. They are at a power plant.

Boyd and Helo arrive at the power plant to discover Alpha’s stolen car. Suddenly Alpha shoots at them. Echo continues pursuing Alpha up some stairs until Alpha is like, Hey, you want this? Then chucks the wedge out onto a beam and runs away some more like a pussy. Echo gingerly climbs out onto the beam to retrieve the wedge. Balancing on the beam is seeming surprisingly hard for Echo considering that she’s currently possessed with dozens of different badasses and super ninjas. Just when she reaches the wedge it falls!

Fortunately Helo is standing below her and he catches it and Echo’s all, You saved me. He did it! Helo finally saved Caroline.

Back at the dollhouse, Topher comes into his lab to find Dr. Saunders waiting for him. The jig is up. She opened Whiskey’s file on his computer. She knows she’s a doll! She’s like, I get why you didn’t want to waste Whiskey, but why’d you make me hate you? I guess she hates him. He’s like, You didn’t read the file, aren’t you curious who you really are? And she’s like, I know who I am, foo’. Then she walks away. She showed him.

In DeWitt’s office, DeWitt talks with Boyd about Alpha. She’s all, He continues to allude you? And Boyd is all, Yup. Then she’s like, What about that Wendy girl? And Boyd’s all, An anonymous source is providing for her family now. You know, “Dollhouse” is interesting cause the show is about pretty horrible people. Providing for Wendy’s family doesn’t karmically make up for the fact that they’re totally responsible for her death. I’m just saying.

Helo is still hanging around. We learn that he’s gonna track down Alpha for them, but he’s all like, I don’t work for you yet, jerks. His bargain was that “the girl’s” contract is now fulfilled and she gets to go free. Hmm. “The girl.” Is it Caroline? Nope, it’s Smellie.

So Smellie comes in, now her original self, which frankly is about as bland as the doll version of her was. Then she signs a release form and goes to exit. As she’s leaving Helo’s all, Wait, hi, what’s your name? And she’s all intrigued and says, Madeline. And he’s all, What a pretty name. And she smiles and is all, What’s your name? Then he’s like, I’m nobody. Then she smiles and leaves. Er. Wouldn’t you be a little confused if someone stopped you as you were leaving a room and asked your name and then weirdly refused to introduce themselves when you asked? Not Madeline. She’s special.

I’d like to take this moment to smile and remember Smellie. Remember how much she sucked. But she’s gone now. Hopefully forever. I love this show and really hope it gets renewed. Even more so now, so I can enjoy it, Smellie-free.

Then we move into one of those End Of The Show Sad Music Montages where we see all out characters one last time.

Fake Dr. Saunders is patching up Victor. She gives him a sucker. He is happy. She seems to have accepted what she is.

Echo has been wiped again. Topher is says all his normal post-wiping words, but he seems weirded out this time. He turns his back to Echo, but she turns him around and puts her hand on his heart, bein’ all like, Yo it’s okay dude.

Man, everyone is making weird faces in their close ups here.

Finally we end on Echo and the other dolls going back into their pods for bedtime. As Echo’s pod is closing says to herself, “Caroline.” She still knows.

Well my friends, that is that. No more “Dollhouse.” FOX hasn’t announced whether it will be renewed or not, but lets all keep our fingers crossed.