Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding Recap: Hide the Versace!

Time for another installment of As the Tardy Wig Turns.  The Biermann family is packed and headed to Atlanta.  Kim has only met Kroy’s family briefly once before, so she is nervous and stressed.  She tells her precious baby K.J. to put in a good word for his momma, specifically that she is fantastic and fabulous.  We can tell from his expression that Squishy Dawg don’t roll that way.

Keep da car runnin’ cuz I’m outta dis crib. We all recall Rose the Psychic predicting Kim would have a baby boy.  So, naturally, we are expecting Rose to deliver the goods from the future.  Kim gets out of the Escalade and asks Rose why she wears heels when she comes for her psychic readings.  Rose responds, giving us a glimpse into the future, “I don’t know.”  We meet Rose’s non-loquacious husband, Floyd.  Kim asks him if he missed her, to which he waits several hot minutes and utters, “Yes.”  Kim further engages the wordsmith by asking if he’s coming to her wedding, to which he thinks for a while before saying, “Sure.”  These responses are probably a result of Rose’s mental telepathy abilities.  There are dark secrets about Rose and Floyd–just kidding–well, maybe.

Hey Captain Obvious, do you see how tightly I have to keep my lips together to stop from telling her you get this shit from romance novels? The reading commences.  Rose tells Kim some autopilot things like her wedding will be beautiful, she’s nervous, and she’s lacking good energy around her at the moment.  Kim immediately knows what Rose is seeing–her mother, Karen.  Rose tells her that Karen’s always been a royal pain in the ass, but Kim thinks Karen should put aside all of her craziness.  Rose then asks if Kroy’s family will be there.

Well, that sucks.  Kendra told me them Amish peoples don’t have televisions. After Kim tells Rose that they will be there, Rose drops the bombshell that Kroy’s family doesn’t want him to marry Kim and formed that opinion before they met Kim from all of the things they’ve seen and read about her.  Captain Obvious tells Kim that to get them to like her, Kim will have work to do for years to come.

Camera Kim thinks that even though she smokes all of the time, drinks all of the time, and had a Big Poppa, they will still love her.  Her boobs and hair are that magical.  Remind us, Kim, who is Big Poppa?  We’ve never heard of him before… in this episode.

Back at home, the man of the house is soothing his bundle of joy by bouncing him gently in the baby carrier.  Kim is jiggling on the sidelines explaining that the baby is sensing everyone’s (her) energy a/k/a doom about Kroy’s family coming to visit.  Ariana, Kim’s daughter, comes up with the ridiculous explanation that K.J. is crying because he’s a baby and babies cry.  Bollocks!

What?!  TV babies don’t cry?! Camera Kim is wondering if it is inappropriate to touch Kroy’s ass in front of his mom and dad.  As we learned in a prior episode, Kroy was raised by a traveling band of strippers and pimps, so the clear answer is:  No problem!

Just as Kim is spouting off that she hasn’t smoked in a year, Kendra, the interior decorator descends from the stairs and lets Kim know that the attic is almost ready for Kroy’s family.  Kendra makes her first politically incorrect statement exclaiming that she feels like Anne Frank.   She lets Kim know that there’s still one of Sweetie’s cigarettes hidden from her earlier time spent decorating the home.  Kim is elated.  While Kroy walks away with the baby attached to his chest, he says that he won’t watch her do it.  So what does Kim do to show respect for Kroy and her responsibilities as a parent?  She steps outside for a cigarette peep show.

Hey, who wants somma dis? After Kendra and Kim’s daughters join her outside, she asks them if she looks sexy while she’s smoking.  You go, girl!  Kim then asks what they think Kroy’s family will think of her ring.  Kendra has a little more of that politically incorrect stuff up her sleeve–they’ll think it’s excessive since, “aren’t they Amish?”

Yeah, I don’t think Montana is in America.  I think it’s in Amish. Brielle, Kim’s oldest daughter, asks her mom if Kroy’s family will think they did things backwards.  Kim says that won’t be the case because Kim and Kroy did it their way, so Kroy’s family should be really happy.  Got delusions?  Oh yeah!