While lifestyle guru Colin Cowie is busy scouring the trailer parks of Atlanta for unicorn dung and fairy dust, Kim and her stylist prepare to jet off to New York to Kim-ize Kleinfeld, of Say Yes to the Dress fame. Kim’s big day is approaching like 12-12-12, the Mayan doomsday, and this wedding isn’t planning itself.
The episode opens with the undeniably adorable K.J. cooing with his mommy while decked out in Gucci from head to toe. He is a happy baby, and he should be as he has stolen the hearts of his parents–and their credit cards.
Kim tells him that she needs to get into that size 2 dress and asks K.J. how he keeps his figure. This is not a rhetorical question–she knows who has the IQ here. He grabs Kim’s designer scarf and starts to chow down on it, both to show her what a high fiber diet consists of and also to stop himself from accidentally placing a 911 call.
See, you just shove it all up in there, nice and tight. Filling AND zero calories.
Despite Kim’s following K.J.’s strict scarf diet, she still has quite a few pounds to lose before she can squeeze into her gown that is a size 2–for her wedding in two months! Kroy, the smart one when it comes to diet and exercise, enlists the services of his NFL-quality trainer to whip his bride-to-be into shape. Let the whining commence!
Jim, the trainer, tells Kim that they will be doing Kroy’s workout. Kim feels tricked because Kim only agreed to this when Kroy told her they’d be working out like Spongebob Squarepants.
Kim’s first exercises are some side lunges. After a couple, Kim is tired and says these are unnecessary as her gown will be covering her legs. When it comes to arm exercises, Kim says she’ll just add sleeves to her dress. Hmmm…what is going on inside of Jim’s head, I wonder.
Jen, Kim’s friend and Matron of Honor, shows up for the training session. We get more whining when we realize Jen thought it would be the QVC workout and is not down with this NFL crap, either. Camera Jen astutely points out that someone married to a pro athlete needs to stay in shape and that’s why she married an electrician. Gotta love Jen. She is honest and funny.
Ladies, you need to give up on the sexy workout video dream.
As the ladies are doing their donkey kicks, they realize they must be looking like some hot, sexy workout video…in their wildest dreams. We witness Jim’s brain melting and beginning to ooze out of his ears. When Kim moves onto the exercise ball part of the workout, Jen needs to rush over to hold Kim’s wig in place. This is the last time we see Jim as he spontaneously combusts.
Now you’re talking, Jim. This is Kim’s favorite exercise. She calls it the money maker.
Next, Kim and her mom, Karen, are headed to Wedding Angels Bridal Boutique. I hope these ladies are angels, because a miracle is sorely needed. Karen is tickled to be taken shopping. She lost out to Colin Cowie for the wedding planning, so her consolation prize is a Mother-of-the-Bride wedding dress.
As they arrive in Kroy’s sick Porsche, Kim lets her mother know that Kroy doesn’t like tulle. Some alarm bells are going off in my head, but I’m willing not to rush to judgment…yet. One dress seems to excite until Kim sees the price tag of $99–too cheap. You would think she grabbed a poopy diaper that the nanny forgot to pick up after she overshot the Diaper Genie.
While her mom gets busy trying on dresses, Kim heads over to the veils. After donning a couple and doing some prancing around, Kim tells the camera that Kroy wants her wearing nothing more than the veil. Kim, stop that shit, please. Seriously. No more of that Hello Kitty shit–enough!
Everything that Karen chooses, Kim is against. Kim says no to shiny, feathery, the aforementioned tulle, skin showing, ruffles, and the biggest offender of all, looking bridal. Don’t they have a hijab in Karen’s size?
If that “consultant” brings out another dress that isn’t white, she’s gonna “consult” with my fist!
Kim says she doesn’t think her mother is trying to look like the bride, but that she is trying to look like the bride. It’s easier to have two thoughts in mind if they cancel each other. Karen comes out with a white ruffled dress with white feathers. Turns out Karen is not trying to look like the bride–she’s Bjork’s number one fan.
Isn’t it perfect?! It’s white AND she said they could add a swan head right here.
While her mom and an overworked bridal consultant struggle to find a dress pleasing to Kim, Kim sprawls out on a bench and calls Shun for help. Karen is having so much fun, she alerts everyone to the fact that she’s going to need an extra dress for the reception, just like the real bride. That draws a swift reaction from both Kim and the consultant. The news is bad for Karen and her two-dress bridal dreams are dashed, but not as much as Kroy’s credit score.
It’s Ariana’s birthday and Kim has planned a trip to New York to visit Kleinfeld to find another dress for the reception. There’s some stomping and jumping on luggage to get it to close while the girls wait for Kim to get ready to leave. Shun, her stylist, and Jen will be joining Kim and her daughters to go to New York for shopping and…wait, hmmm? Oh yeah, for Ariana’s birthday.
Luckily, little K.J. is awake when Kim goes to tell him bye-bye. It is hard for everyone involved because Kim and Kroy obviously genuinely love their children. Kim tears up but keeps moving forward. She says she’d like to just forget having a second dress but Kroy says that her second marriage is a once-in-a-lifetime event and not to give up on her dreams of that second dress…in New York. Hmmm…gotta have a second dress, knows and hates tulle, the plot thickens.
A favorite of the camera person.
As Kim heads to the car, she keeps saying she wants to stay home, but it’s hard for the camera person to keep up while Kim sprints out of the door. The car is loaded with their luggage, so it is time to head to the airport. Kim is trying to say good-bye but keeps getting interrupted every time she catches a glimpse of herself in the side view mirror of her Escalade, wondering if her makeup is okay.
On the trip to the airport, Kim asks Shun how she felt leaving her kids behind. Kim’s daughter wants to know why she is so upset leaving K.J. when she had no problem leaving them. What do they not understand about how important this second dress is…from New York?
Why do I have to go? I didn’t knock you up, this big dummy behind me did.
Kim and Shun are in the hotel room waiting for the seamstress of Pnina’s, an exclusive line of gowns from Kleinfeld Bridal. Kim is luxuriating in the thought of Kleinfeld coming to her. Yuliya approaches with a rack of gowns for Kim to feast her eyes upon. Get ready for the money shot. There’s even one with a rhinestone “K” attached. Sold!
Shun says it’s so gorgeous that she wants to touch it all over, to which Kim snaps at her to keep her hands off of it. Luckily, Kim is paying Shun because if she had told Jen that, it would be on like Donkey Kong. Kim says it is perfect for her big boobs, small tummy, and big tush. Kim says it lifts her saggy titties. Ugh. If Kim has a dictionary or Marlo’s etiquette guide on her bridal registry, I am more than willing to buy it for her.
If I don’t take a picture, they are never gonna believe this shit.
Pnina accidentally loaded a white jumpsuit from her stripper line onto the rack. Kim sees it and must have it for her now third outfit. Being that it was designed according to strict stripper standards, Kim is thrilled that her wedding will not be void of her side boob. As we see Yuliya taking measurements of the side boob, we realize just how many hours she must have clocked at Scores.
Why didn’t you tell me there was a Stripper Bridal line when I called the first time?
Back in Atlanta, we see poppa Kroy playing with little K.J., decked out in his fishing hat and gnawing away on his fish toy. Let’s hope he doesn’t pack on the ounces cheating on his scarf diet. Kroy dreams about going off the grid, that they can fish and stay outdoors. Snap out of it, Kroy! Kroy pulls out his camera to take a picture of the boys and the moment K.J. realizes it’s picture time, he lights up the room. The baby is reality television gold!
Look, don’t tell mom that I’m letting you have this stuffed fish toy instead of your scarf diet.
With two more dresses in the lineup, there’s now a few minutes to spare for Ariana’s birthday at New York’s heavenly Serendipity. Kim thanks everyone for coming to New York to support her efforts to shop for another dress and…wait, what is the camera person saying? Oh yeah, also to celebrate Ariana’s birthday. Kim pulls out a little Tiffany bag that has a chain for Ariana. Kim’s daughters get sentimental and teary talking about how much they love their family with Kroy and K.J. in it. It is really sweet and heartwarming to see what wonderful daughters they are and how little they’re inherited.
Everyone is feeling emotional. So, what does Kim bring up? Big Poppa. She says that she wouldn’t appreciate Kroy so much if she hadn’t gone through the Big Poppa situation. Again, we’re reminded that Big Poppa won this lottery.
Isn’t this wedding dress shopping….ummm….errmmm….birthday party amazing?
Ariana’s cake comes to the table and she blows out the candles saying she loves her family and Justin Bieber. I appreciate that, Ariana, but Bieber doesn’t have the side boob, now does he?
As Kim and her daughters pose for a picture, Kim says her wig is falling off. The wig’s not really falling off, though, it’s merely making a mad dash for the subway.
I’m sorry, darling, but they don’t allow children to put themselves up for adoption.
On next week’s episode, we will see Kim’s psychic surprise Kim with the obvious. We’ll also see Kim interact with Kroy’s mother. Check back for more. You only think you don’t want it!
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