Double Shot At Love: Home Is Where The Hoes Are

Hello again to my favorite peoples, and Happy Obama Day! I’m so sorry about the delay on this recap, the American Idol show was a bit of a bitch to finish (I love the new software, but I had a few issues) and after all the wackiness over there on FOX I had to pull back and regroup before I could dive back into the pool of MTV sludge infested by Ikkis. Anyhow, you know how when you’ve just started seeing someone, and you finally take that huge step where you “bring them home to Mom” for the first time? Well, tonight our Ikkitestants take that same exact step and trot out Rix’n'Vix for their families to meet’n'greet…

…and Chub-In-Training gets to live out one of his wettest dreams…

…for realsies, if I had walked in to my family’s house with two boobsy blonde bimboes bearing booze, my mom and dad would have probably been overjoyed (right up until the point where I told them I had become a fashion stylist/makeup artist and these two were my latest project). However, on tonight’s episode of Double Shot At Love not everyone is going to be so glad to see their child’s pornographic fantasies sashaying through their living room, plunking themselves down on the family sofa and introducing themselves as possible (temporary) daughters-in-law. Let’s see who comes from which families (Stepford or Stone) after the jump!After pissing me off all over again by showing the unfair dismissal of Black-Eyed Xoe (who had the poor taste to be born into a family that isn’t, like, totally super-cool with buysexual sluttiness like Ma and Pa Ikki are) it’s time for the remaining Final Four Fucktoys to grab a shovel and start using it to pack their bags for home. At least that’s what Chub-In-Training Scott is using… I bet his “cleaning lady” (a.k.a. “mom”) is going to find some nastier surprises than usual when she opens that suitcase to do his laundry.

…I’ve seen drag-queens with neater luggage…

Ah well, I guess he probably needed an extra suitcase for his collection of Stupid Hats and Lame T-Shirts. Barfly ‘Bekah says she can’t wait to see her bay-behhhhh and does a weirdly inappropriate titty-shake. She is talking about seeing her son, right? I thought maybe the “bay-behhhhh” she was referring to was her favorite bottle of Johnny Walker at the bar she works at (a happy boob-shimmy would be an appropriate reaction in that case).

The Ikkis interview that “seeing where they’re from will really help us make our decision” about who to bring back to the Ikkmansion and then immediately send home again. No, actually, it will give them a chance to offend everybody as much as possible and start familial dramas that will have repercussions for generations (or at least until the families see themselves on MTV).

Their first stop tonight is in Narberth, Pennsylvania, home of Gnarly Trevor, and the Ikkis show up dressed like a pair of mutant bees…

…yup, horizontal stripes still don’t do anyone any favors…

Rikki says they’re about to meet Gnarly’s “conservative parents” (do you get it yet that Trevor’s folks are conservative?) and wonders aloud how they’re going to react to meeting bisexual twins such as themselves. Cheer up, Rix! Maybe Gnarls’ folks are secretly swingers and there’ll be a great big orgy later on. Blech.

They meet Gnarly Trev at (where else?) an indoor skate park (which he calls his “domain”) and watch him skate back and forth for a bit (while Rikki says how “cute” he looks doing it). Tony Hawk he’s not. Still, he’s going to teach the Twinz the basics of skating (i.e. “put one foot on the board and push off with the other one”) and Vikki’s really glad he’s there to catch her when she almost falls on her bony butt…

…there’s all kinds of gravity there in Pennsylvania…

…”Yeah, I think that’s why she kept on falling.” snorts Rikki (as Vikki beams). Rikki says that while Vix was really getting into the skating she was there to really get into Trevor, so they leave Vikki doing 360s and head off to a convenient nearby couch. Rikki’s telling Gnarly about this dream she had about him where he was with her and then with Vikki and then with her and then with Vikki, and she was getting all mad and jealous in her dream. Under normal circumstances, wouldn’t this kind of psychotic revelation send most guys running away screaming in the other direction?…

…”I am not gonna be ignored, Trevor!”…

Gnarly must have some experience dealing with bitchy mental cases, because he smooths Rikki’s feathers by telling her that he’s not trying to be with both of the twins at the end of it all… and mentions that right now he’s really into her, which (of course) makes her giggle and smile and they smurp away at each other. Way to go, Trev!

Now Vikki’s the one having private time, and she asks Gnarls how he feels about her. He says she makes him smile and he always has a good time with her. She wonders if her being the good-time girl means he takes her less seriously than Rikki (huh?… does anybody take either of them seriously?). He smiles and says he really likes her, too, and they lip-lock as well. I hope he has Altoids.

Now they’re sitting down to a lunch of (what else?) Philly Cheesesteaks (which the Ikkis aren’t really eating, of course) and asking Trev about his family. He says his mom is really “old fashioned” and his dad is “really religious”. Rikki says that him saying that isn’t setting her mind at ease at all. Wow, I guess the Twinzies are reeeeally nervous about meeting these old fashioned religious people. I’m also guessing that means they’ll be looking to make a really good and wholesome first impression on them, right?…

…wrong…

Seriously, the Ikks are decked out in a pair of skin-tight barely-there pudenda-flashing mini-micro-dresses. I’m not suggesting they should have worn floor-length skirts and high-necked Victorian blouses, but even those wacky bee outfits would have been less trampy. Ahhh, but then we wouldn’t have a show, would we? I guess the whole point is to alienate the family and create drama. I think they’re just going to create some unwanted wet dreams.

Anyhow, the girls each appear to have a pie in hand (???) so I guess it’s nice a production assistant they thought to bring a gift to someone’s house when being invited for dinner. Too bad they forgot to wear clothing. Anyhow, the family was not expecting twins, and Rikki recreates their first reaction upon seeing the Ikkis…

…which is total bullshit, because nobody made blowjobface…

So we meet Gnarly’s (much cuter) brother Tim (and his Christopher-Atkins-In-Blue-Lagoon hairdon’t), mother Wendy, and his dad Kip. Everybody sits down and Vikki decides to start things off gently by asking Mama Wendy how she feels about her son dating bisexual Twins. Wendy replies by drinking more wine…

…out of a glass the size of a Big Gulp cup…

Daddy Kip wants to know about the “girl aspect”. Great, let’s have a ditzy porn queen explaining sexuality to the conservative segment! Rikki says she finds both men and women attractive, and that she can “love” either one, but is quick to point out that they’re not in a three-way relationship (yet) and that if they both pick Trevor, he’s going to have to choose between them. Kip does not look convinced and admits the bisexual thing is “tough” for him, and says that doesn’t think it’s right morally.

Can someone explain to me why this is even an issue they’re bringing up? Their son is not a girl (thank gawd, cuz he makes a fugly one) therefore any kind of relationship he’s going to have with Rikki (or Vikki) will ostensibly be a heterosexual one, so it makes no sense to even talk about gay issues. I kinda resent the Ikkis being any kind of spokesperson for my people, they should stick to giggling, jumping up and down and crying over nothing.

Proving my fears are totally justified, Rikki decides it would be appropriate to ask Wendy if she didn’t ever experiment with poonani in college? What?!??!? If she had asked my mom that I would have driven a nail through her forehead. Talk about rude! Wendy handles this invasive question as best she can, saying she went to a Quaker school and that she can’t even imagine “dreaming” about something like that.

It’s at this point that the Ikkis decide it’d be fun to start kissing Gnarly Trevor. Four feet away from his horrified parents…

…ohh, Wendy, honey, I feel for you, girl…

Much Cuter Brother Tim says that he thinks it’s really “entertaining… to say the least” that Trevor is making out in front of his folks. Did I say before that nobody made blowjobfaces while reacting to the Ikki Twins?…

…okay, I lied…

Mama Wendy interviews that “this is probably what a lot of men fantasize about”. Quaker college or not, Mama’s no fool. Well, it’s time for dinner, thank GOD for distractions! The Ikkis look puzzled when everyone grabs hands and Daddy Kip thanks someone named “Jesus” for the food they’re about to eat (as pipe-organ music helpfully plays on the soundtrack in case any of MTV’s viewership isn’t familiar with “praying”) and Mama Wendy looks like she’s about to break into a second box of Franzia. Honestly, though, I don’t blame her one bit.

Wendy wants to know what the Ikkis are really looking for in a relationship. With a challenging look in her eye, Rikki says all she cares about is somebody loving her. She doesn’t mention that they also need to be okay with her porn-queen status and the insanely co-dependent relationship she has with her twin-sister. Daddy Kip says love is fine, but what about 10 years down the road? Good one, Daddy!

Rikki completely misunderstands the question and insists that she’s not going to be with Trevor and suddenly want to be with a woman. “It has nothing to do with the fact that I like both sexes!” she says. True, and I don’t think that’s what Daddy Kip meant… I think he was asking if they saw any kind of longevity in the relationship itself, which is a valid concern considering how all of these shows turn out (Flavor Of Love, Rock Of Love, I Love New York, Bachelor/ette, anyone?) but I guess the Ikkis are spoiling for a fight about their “bisexuality”.

Privately they interview that Mama Wendy and Daddy Kip are “too conservative” for their liking and “not accepting” of the Twins…

…”and we can tell this, because, like, they all wore underwear“…

Daddy Kip looks pissed off, and says that these two are not the kind of women that he wants his son to marry. Amen to that! But wow, it just shows how huge the chasm is between the two value systems! I’m guessing nobody at MTV has explained to him yet that there isn’t a church-wedding at the end of this show. Welcome to your son’s debut as a man-whore, Kip.

Mama Wendy (hoping for something to do that will take her far, far away from these horrible conversations, offers to serve dessert, and the Ikkis both bounce up and offer to help her clear the table (saying it’s their “favorite thing to do”… besides posing nude with each other for Hef, that is). “I didn’t know that clearing the table was a team sport.” says Daddy Kip dryly. “Yeah, it’s all about the teamwork!” says Vikki as she smacks Rikki’s ass repeatedly. In front of Trevor’s entire family. Classy. “Good-looking aaaand domesticated!” observes Much Cuter Brother Tim…

…”Can I have a set of twins for my birthday, ma? Oh please? Pretty please?”…

Surprisingly, the Twinz are all thumbz in the kitchen, and keep dropping silverware and other items on the floor. I think this is on purpose, because then Vikki proceeds to bend over repeatedly to pick them up (instead of keeping her legs together and her ass covered and bending at the knees, like someone who, say, really wants to make a good impression on their prospective boyfriend’s parents) and she has to keep hiking her silly little dress back down over her lusciously pert little ass cheeks…

…the greatest night in Brother Tim’s life evah!…

Mama Wendy wants to know if she’s going to wake up soon. “It’s obvious that they don’t do dishes.” she observes. Ohhh, but they do lots of other things, Mama! Because he apparently wants his mother to drink herself comatose, Gnarly Trev leaves the Ikkis with her while he goes outside to chat with Daddy Kip and Much Cuter Brother Tim.

Daddy Kip wants to know if the “bisexual” thing doesn’t weird Trevor out, and mentions that he raised Gnarly with a moral set that would reject such behavior. To his father, Trev says he doesn’t mind the bisexuality, and in interview he says it’s not his dad’s place to judge other people, and he doesn’t really care what anybody says about the Ikki Twins. Nice play, Gnarls, I hope you’ll carry that same attitude over to us gayboys, K?

Inside her worst waking-nightmare ever, Mama Wendy is trying to explain to Rix’N'Vix that what’s really important to her is someone who will be faithful to her son. “Do you think we could be faithful to him?” asks one of the Twins. What a stupid question! How is Mama Wendy gonna know the answer to that?… although, if I had to go based on first impressions, my own answer would be a big, fat slutty “no”. Privately, Wendy says these two are not what she wants for her son…

…”…and I’m having all of my furniture steam-cleaned tomorrow morning…”…

You know, as little as I have in common with conservative and religious people (even when my own mother is one of them) I still think it really bites the TV turd that they’re trying to paint Trevor’s family as being all super-uptight and intolerant. Can you blame them? The Ikkis showed up dressed like pole-dancers, they’ve been combative (and skankalicious-acting) all night, and seem to truly believe it’s the family that looks like assholes here…

…while the Ikkis spent most of the night in danger of showing theirs…

Gnarly Trevor says he’s glad that the meeting is over with. Me, too, let’s move on to Barfly ‘Bekah in Tacoma, Washington. While Gnarls was all about skateboarding, apparently Barfly is all about taking the Ikkis out for putt-putt golfing? I guess it’s something she does a lot with her son.

Not this time, though, cuz this is mommy’s private date with a pair of equally trampy chicks Rikki and Vikki, and who needs a snotnosed brat interrupting you when you’re trying to cop a cheap feel inside “the makeout cave” as Barfly and Rix are now doing?…

…if there was such a thing as a “par-one” hole on a golf course, that’d be Rikki…

Vikki’s just pouting outside. Now Barfly’s saying that when she first came into the house she had this amazing connection with Rikki, but things seem to be changing for her… In her alone time with Vikki she’s laying it on as thick as cement as she says if she comes out of this experience with both love and friendship, it’ll make her “such a better mom.” Then they make out. Huh? Is she serious? Maybe she’ll be a more annoying attention-whore, but a better parent? Wow, the Ikkis are more amazing and magical than I would have ever guessed.

It’s time to meet Barfly’s family, and it looks like we’re not going to see where they live, because they’re meeting at a restaurant called Duke’s Chowder House. Perhaps the doublewide didn’t have enough room (or electrical outlets) for the production crew. Kidding! One thing is for certain, Barfly’s kid Cayden is cute as a button…

…sorry, kid, but I see therapy in your future…

Still, it’s a rather heart-warming scene to watch Barfly reunite with her family, including Mama Ethel, and her sisters Amanda and Chrissy, as well as Little Cayden. Mama Ethel seems to like the Twinz already, noting that the three of them came in looking like they were happy to be together. She tells the Ikkis that she just wants Barfly to find someone that will love her (and starts to cry) and it’s an even mushier moment. I was starting to feel like I wouldn’t be able to make fun of this crowd, but then Little Cayden saved it for me…

…by apparently digging for cash in the one place mommy is most likely to have accumulated it…

He looks like he’s flipping us the bird at the same time. Anyhow, Sister Amanda is telling the Twins that Barfly’s been hurt so much by the assholes she dates the others she’s been with, it’s important to all of them that she find someone she can “spend her life with” and Mama Ethel cements her Cool Statusâ„¢ by saying that “as long as there’s love, that’s all that matters.” Then again, she’s being confronted with Ikki Twins actually wearing clothes (instead of being all Vanity 6 like they were at Gnarly’s house and wearing nothing but lingerie). Still, she seems completely unfazed by her daughter popping up with these two walking, talking inflatable dolls in tow.

After a bit, Barfly says she’s going to take her sisters and Little Cayden outside for a bit and let Mama Ethel and the Twins have a chance to chat. Once alone with them, Mama Ethel starts leaking more and saying that she can already tell that Barfly’s got some serious feelings for the Ikkis, and repeats that she really doesn’t want to see ‘Bekah get hurt. Vikki privately interviews that it’s clear Mama Ethel is looking out for Barfly’s best interests, but says she can’t tell Ethel that Barfly is “the one” when they don’t know for sure themselves… “And I’m not sure I’m ready for an instant family!” she finishes. Maybe you shoulda thought about that before you shoved your tongue down the girl’s esophagus, Vix! So much for that big speech she made to Barfly about how it “didn’t matter” that she had a kid.

At any rate, Barfly and family return to the table and Rikki says “So Cayden, is it okay if I was your mommy’s girlfriend?” Barely pausing, Cayden says “No.” and hides his little face. LOL, Cayden, you tell it, little man! Vikki takes a shot with “How about me, can I be mommy’s girlfriend?” to which Little Cayden answers “Yes.” and everybody laughs. I think Cayden is serious, though, because as Barfly offers to bring him up to sit on her lap, he has other ideas…

…funny how he’s both pointing (and staring) at her boobs…

…another interesting thing: Cayden can remember Vikki’s name, but not Rikki’s. Barfly takes this as a sign that she needs to look deeper into what Vikki has to offer, because it’s obvious that her son is seeing something that she doesn’t (like Vikki’s bigger boobs, maybe?). I think ‘Bekah’s just realizing that she needs to kick it into high gear in order to compete with Gnarly Trevor’s charms over the Ikkis and she knows she needs Vikki as a backup in case Rikki picks Trevor. “I think Cayden is in love with you!” she gushes to Vix. That sounds healthy. If Cayden finishes kindergarten, he and Vikki will be on equal intellectual ground so they’ll at least have stuff to talk about, like coloring in the lines and sounding out words and trying to remember to always share.

Well, that’s it for Barfly’s family, it’s back across the country to the East Coast, and beautiful Staten Island, New Yawk to visit Stripperista RoseMarie’s and her family…. which got me to thinking… why, oh, why couldn’t they be going to visit this Rose Marie?…

…she was always such a riot on “Hollywood Squares”…

*sigh* Remember back when people got to be on TV because they actually had talent? Oh well, they’re going to meet up at the world-famous Staten Island Ferry (natch!) and the Ikkis are excited to see if Stripperista’s family is as crazy as she is! It looks kinda cold out there, so the Twins decide to hide behind Stripperista…

…utilizing the windbreak provided by her massive breasts…

Rosey’s so jazzed about the impending descent of Ikkidom on her house that she believes “You guys are not gonna wanna leave!” Well, I think we’ll just see about that. But first, it’s time for the Lame Hometown Activityâ„¢. Gnarls had skateboarding, Barfly had putt-putt, and Stripperista gets… a “picnic in front of the city”??!?!? Wow, that’s sad when you’re in New York Fuckin’ City and the producers can’t think of anything better to do than buy you a cheapo burger and fries and film you sitting on the public waterfront. They could have at least hit her strip-club so’s Rosey could show off the girls to her co-workers. And by “girls” I mean Rix’N'Vix… I’m sure her co-workers have already seen the other “girls” numerous times.

Anyhow, while they pretend to eat their crapfood, Stripperista says she’s kinda nervous because she’s never brought a girl home before, let alone two. Huh? So her folks don’t already know she occasionally muff-dives? This should be mildly interesting.

As they walk into the living room they are greeted by Stripperista’s family, including her Mama Rosanne… who says “When the twins wualked in the rum, my juaw pruawbably druapped, I wus pretty supruaised!” Ha, that’s not the only surpruaise in store f’you Mama Rosey! They also meet RoseMarie’s Godmother Angel, Brother Joey, Aunt Diane, Cousins Nikki and ToniAnn…. and her dachshund Donkey. Yes, of course, her weiner-dog would have to be named Donkey…

…you poor thing…

Wow, I knew Stripperista could be one annoying bitch, but she takes it to new levels with the amount of silly fawning she’s doing over her dowag, saying extremely irritating things in a grating little-girl voice like “Who’s my Donkalish?” and “How’s my Donka?” and “Who’s gonna kiss you, Donkey?… Who’s gonna love you?” Ummm, okay, “Donkalish”? Worst. Dog. Nickname. Ever.

Stripperista remains unapologetic for fraying the collective nerves of the viewing audience with her non-stop annoying doggie-talk, “If you accept me, you hafta accept my Donkey… which is my dowaggie!”…

…I say let’s vote for “reject” then!…

Seems like Stripperista’s forgotten the Number One Rule Of Ikki-Loveâ„¢, which reads: Rikki And Vikki Must Be The Center Of The Universe At All Times. Vikki interviews that she felt like Donkalish was getting too much attention from Rosey, so this is clearly a faux-pas on Stripperista’s part.

Well, after she’s had enough of annoying everyone with all her Donkalovin’, Stripperista decides to “come clean” with her mom about what’s really going on with the Twinsies, “Ummm, I’m dating both of them,” she stammers, adding “…separately!”, like that’s gonna make this pill any easier for Mama Rosanne to swallow…

…or even allow her to keep her gorge down in the first place…

However, not everyone seems put off by this news, as Cousin ToniAnn’s face clearly says she thinks this is the coolest thing she’s ever seen…

…as visions of three-ways dance in her head…

Hmmmm, I think there’s something different about Cousin ToniAnn, especially when the first words out of her mouth when the Ikkis came breezing in was “Wow, twins! Sharing is caring!” Whatever did she mean by that? Perhaps she’s one of the Toolbelt Crewâ„¢ and wants Stripperista to share her good fortune?

Anyhow, Rosey’s bravely forging ahead saying “Pretty much I’m coming out… that’s really what’s happening here!” Awk. Ward. Shocked looks abound, while Cousin ToniAnn beams. Interesting, you’d think with a bonafide lesbiana already in their midst they’d act a little less like the Donkalish just took a massive shit on the floor. Ehh, but I guess it’s always different when it’s somebody else’s kid coming out instead of your own, so I can’t really harp on them too much for their unease…

…if the cameras weren’t around, I think Stripperista’d be in a world of Italian hurtin’…

Rikki tries to fill the void by saying “You all knew that she was into girls, right?” Godmother Angel and Mama Rosanne, their faces frozen in a grim rictus of horror, both respond “Nawt really.” Way to go, Stripperista! It would have been stupid to wait for the right time to tell them in private when you could have a camera crew all up in their faces instead. Dumbass.

Brother Joey jumps to Rosey’s defense, saying the girl deserves to be loved, and whether it’s with a guy or a girl, who gives a shit, y’know? Mama Rosanne’s doing her best to cope, saying Stripperista’s sexual-preference is none of her business, but in the end she just wants her to be happy, and calls the Twinz “duawlls”. At first I thought “Duals? Dual whats? Bimboes?” but then I realized it was actually “dolls” in Staten Islandese. Mama Rosanne forgot to add “inflatable” in front of that.

I wonder how doll-like she’s going to think they are when the Ikkis again decide that now would be a good time to start kissing on Stripperista, again, right in front of her family, whom she’s just come out to. There they go being all high-falutin’ classy again. I guess they figured since they told Rosey’s secret, they might as well give a demonstration. My guess is only ToniAnn was titillated.

This proves to be too much for Mama Rosanne, who waves her hands and says “Okay, it’s a wrap!” Vikki doltishly wonders if they “might have crossed the line a little bit” by doing that. Always with the razor-sharp insights, that one. “I guess we’re gonna eat now, huh?” says Stripperista. Fuck the food, I think Mama Rosanne needs a big tumbler of Vino.

Ugh, and we’re back to Stripperista starting up with that “Where’s my Donkalish?” shit again, and constantly cooing over the dog while they’re eating dinner. Now Rikki says she was getting super frustrated because “all the attention was being focused on the dog!”…

…well, it does kinda suck to be upstaged by a weiner-dog…

Godmother Angel wants to know what’s going to happen if Rikki and Vikki both pick Stripperista… Rosey says she’ll pick ‘em both and split ‘em in half, and ToniAnn takes another opportunity to pipe up, “Yo, Ro, I toldja! There’s two of ‘em! Sharing is caring!” Subtle as a sledgehammer, that one. “Ahhh, no.” responds Cousin “Ro”. Scary Piano begins to plink away on the soundtrack as ToniAnn interviews, “Yeah, there’s a little bit of– I wouldn’t say jealousy, but there’s a certain part of you that wishes you were involved with it.” Gee, sounds like jealousy to me.

The Ikkis excuse themselves to go use the restroom (because peeing is always more fun in teams!) and while they’re away all hell breaks loose. Apparently Cousin ToniAnn has had too much to drink and is calling Stripperista a “drunk whore”. Well, if the inebriated go-go boot fits…

Now ToniAnn’s fully going off on a drunken rant (I guess she’s pissed about being denied sloppy Ikki-seconds), yelling “This is Ro’s life… she drinks… she fucks… that’s life!” Ooooh, Ro’s not gonna take that! “Are you kidding me? My mother’s sitting right there you fucking dumb cunt!” she spits, “Let’s get drunk and act like a fuckin’ idiot on TV!”…

…says Our Lady Of Everlasting Sobrietyâ„¢ RoseMarie…

I’m guessing she forgot about all the drunken idiotic antics she’s pulled back at the IkkMansion. Anyhow, Ro’s screaming at ToniAnn that she’s screaming like a fucking idiot, and ToniAnn fires back with “You’re a fucking professional now!” Summoning her tattered dignity, Stripperista says “I’m not a professional asshole, like you’re being!” I’m waiting for someone to say “I know you are, but what am I?” or “I am rubber, you are glue, bounce off me and stick to yooooou!”

Meanwhile, a mortified Mama Rosanne, thrilled to death that her daughter and niece are both acting like classless trash on TV, quietly excuses herself, saying she didn’t want to get involved in the fight. Smart move, Mama Ro! Ah, but Aunt Diane is not about to let Rosey scream at her daughter ToniAnn to “stop drinking and shut the fuck up!” and jumps into the fight. “My douchebag Aunt rolls over and starts screaming and yelling!” interviews Stripperista. “It’s none of your fucking business!” Ro-Ro yells in Aunt Douchebag’s face. “Well, you made it my fucking business now!” is what she gets in reply. ToniAnn stands off the side smirking and having another cocktail…

…like many lesbians, ToniAnn loves to have a ringside seat at the fights…

Stripperista is taken aback by Aunt Diane standing up for her kid as she interviews, “You’re my family, you’re gonna go against me? You’re gonna make me look like an asshole, you fucking idiot?” No, I think you having every other word bleeped out of your interviews is accomplishing that feat all by your lonesome, Ro-Ro…

Hey, does anybody remember Rikki and Vikki? The sexy bisexual porno-Twins whose show this is? Yup, they’re still hiding in the bathroom. Stripperista joins them and says she’s not leaving because she just got in a fight with her whole family, and Aunt DoucheBag got pissed off and left. “It was just chaos all over the place!” says Rikki.

There’s a knock on the door. It’s ToniAnn, and she’s there to apologize! Awwww, it’s so nice to see her and Stripperista share an awkwardly uncomfortable and insincere A-Frame hug! The Ikkis are not impressed by Stripperista’s family histrionics tonight. Vikki says her first impression is, “I would hate to be in a crisis and be in this living room!” For realsies, I wouldn’t either, unless I had protective gear on. I think you just screwed the Donkalish, RoseMarie…

Oh well, last up, it’s back across the River Hudson and over to Paramus, New Joisey to see what Chub-In-Training Scott is up to in his hometown. Well, he’s about to take them to a bar (duh, what else is there to do?) and introduce the Twins to his best friends, “Ill Will”, “Pistol Pete” and “Big Chris”…

…and how sad is it that Scott’s the best looking guy out of all his buddies?…

Well, they say if you want to feel prettier, you should surround yourself with uggos. Of course, being the “beta-males” to Chubbsy’s “alpha-male”, they fawn all over him, telling him how “Hollywood” he looks and congratulating him on walking into a bar with two smokin’ hot twins! Of course, Rix’N'Vix live for the kind of reactions these schmoes have upon seing their smokin’ hotness…

…I think Rikki spends too much time around Barfly…

Anyhow, like any good “wingman” would, Big Chris is extolling the virtues of His Royal Chubness, “Girls love him… guys wanna be Scott!” Puffed up with pride, Chub-In-Training booms, “Well said!” Wow, it’s fun to watch the Burger King back in his castle holding court! Ill Will calls Scott a “stud”, and Pistol Pete just says the girls would be perfect for Scotty!

Chubbsy himself thinks that introducing the Ikkis to his simpering, ass-kissing, fugly friends was a “tremendous help” to his chances at love, because somehow they now know that he’s “the best guy” in the competition. I can’t follow his logic (because there really is none) but if that’s what makes him feel better about his shot at love, I say go for it!

It’s time to meet Chub-In-Training’s nice Jewish family, and the Ikkis outdo themselves with tonight’s outfits, which are bright slut-red fringe-adorned bra-and-miniskirt-combos. Scotty, however, thinks they look great to show off to his folks, “The twins look so hot for the family, they couldn’t have picked better outfits!”…

…well, I guess “tasteful” and “demure” are relative terms in Jersey…

I know I always tried to look my sexiest for my potential boyfriend’s parents. I’m sure they relished seeing how I looked in the harness and leather chaps I’d be wearing right before climbing on top of their sons. Anyhow, we meet Daddy Mike and Mama Leslie, Uncle Eddie and Aunt Lisa. To soften the blow of seeing the Ikkis dressed as Ikkettes, they’ve each brought a bottle of Manischewitz. Smart move! Lechaim!

I think commenter Itchy is right, though, the Goldfarbs, while slightly taken aback by these two porn queens jiggling their way through their living room, they seem to pretty much be fun-loving, roll-with-it kind of people and the Twins’ gift of kosher wine is immediately appreciated by Aunt Lisa especially, it touched her that they made such an effort.

Scott decides to make sure his family knows immediately that the Ikkis are bisexual (again, why this is relevant, I have no idea) but they don’t bat an eyelash (in fact, Uncle Eddie jokes “Forget it! You’re outta here!” before they all bust up laughing). Scott says “My family didn’t even flinch, they’re like, okay, bisexual, it’s 2008, this isn’t a big deal!”

…”especially since they’re, you know, smokin’ hot bisexuals!”…

This coming from the guy who called Gay Nick a “fairy fucker” a couple of weeks back. I’m guessing his magnanimous attitude towards traces of homosexuality begins and ends with the old double-standard that is afforded to bisexual girls only. He’d still probably want to beat the fuck out of any nastyfaggots that dared showed their face in his presence.

Anyhow, Vikki jokingly asks the family “Are you guys okay with it ‘cuz you’re bisexual as well?” Aunt Lisa says “Not that we know of…” LOL, Aunt Lisa, I love you! This is shaping up to be an interesting (but fun) evening. At dinner, Daddy Mike wants to know how his son Scott tells the two girls apart. “Did you ever notice that my boobs are bigger?”, says Vikki. Ever the gentleman, Chub-In-Training replies “As much staring at them as I do, I didn’t notice that!”…

…looks like horny Uncle Eddie sure did…

The Ikkis are just loving the fact that they can fondle their own breasts at the table and talk about anything they want and they’re not faced with the stony stares of a Mama Wendy or a Daddy Kip, and there’s none of the horrible tension that marred their time at Casa De Stripperista. They’re just a bunch of adorable people, and I don’t want to like them because Scott’s such a dickface, but I can’t help it, I would totally want to spend an evening with this family (if I was a chesty porn star, that is)…

…and they show their appreciation by rubbing up all over Daddy Mike…

After dinner it’s time for some fun… and cultural exchange! “We haven’t been this Jewish in years!”, notes Chub-In-Training. What makes him say that? Well, they’re dancing the Horah and singing “Hava Nagila”! (okay, yes, it’s more like the Whore-ah with the Ikkis writhing about and shaking their fringe-bedecked titties like cut-rate oiled-down video hoes) I will admit that I’m not well-versed in the ways of Jewish people, but do they really break out “Hava Nagila” and the Horah whenever the mood to sing and dance strikes? Wow, it looks like Mama Leslie and Aunt Lisa are also doing body shots off of the Twins! I guess I can see where Scotty the Chubbody gets his partying ways from. Still, there’s no drama, everyone’s having fun and that’s really all the Ikkis wanted. Looks like Clan Goldfarb hit it out of the park!

Well, we’re back at the Tacky Casa De Ikki and Chub-In-Training Scott wastes no time in reverting to his dickfaced ways when his folks aren’t hovering nearby and says “Returning back to my mansion was awesome! It was great to be back with the Twins, being the man of the house again!” Yup, that’s the Scotty we all know and hate. They all immediately hit the bar and proceed to start back in on their slow alcohol poisoning and discuss how their respective meetings went…

…I’m sure they’re all loving having Scott’s stinky feet splayed out in their aromatic glory…

Stripperista tells about the “little fight” that she had with her cousin for getting drunk, but she doesn’t think she had the worst date out of everybody. Her proof of this is the fact that she’s still in the house “so I must be doing something right…” No, your only saving grace is that there were people doing things far wronger than you, Strippy!

Gnarly Trevor says his date went really well, but mentions he was nervous about the Twins meeting his “conservative” family. Chub-In-Training dickishly interrupts, “Sounds like a reason to get eliminated!” Jesus, what a tool. Gnarls doesn’t let this bother him, though, and he just laughs it off (possibly because he knows he’s about 67 zillion times sexier to the Ikkis than ol’ Moobsy over there).

Chub-In-Training Scott is more than happy to tell about his family’s fabulous evening of Whore-a dancing and oh, how they Hava Nagila-ed far into the night! Stripperista thinks that Chubbsy’s insistence on the awesomeness factor of their meeting is being inflated (much like his IkkMansion sex-partner) and doesn’t believe that it really went down that way. Then again, she still doesn’t believe that her drama-queen evening was all that bad. She’s an idiot.

Barfly ‘Bekah pipes up and says her meeting was “amazing” and talks about how Little Cayden bonded with Vikki. Chubbsy gives yet another assholish interview where he pretty much says she needs to “do the right thing” by staying home and minding the baby. Preferably barefoot. And speaking only when spoken to. Damn, Chubbs… alllll that good will you had built up with your nice family is swirling down the toilet now because you’re back to being the assfuck you really are!

…Dear God: Please let the King wind up all alone. Love, J-Mo…

It’s time for the Ikkis to discuss. On the plus side for Chub-In-Training, Vikki says she’s pleased he’s made it this far, and talks about how sweet and polite he is. Wow, she’s certainly misjudging his behavior. Rikki points out that it seems like Scotty is competing to win and beat out everyone else instead of trying to “fall in love” and that’s not the point of this whole show. They neglect to mention his death threats against Gay Nick and his attempted date-rape from the other night.

As far as Barfly goes, Vikki says she’s “super smokin’” and that they’re “connecting on all kinds of levels” but the downside is that she doesn’t want to take Little Cayden away from the rest of his family. Rikki calls bullshit on this, pointing out that she’s known Barfly had a kid from the second episode, why is she bringing it up now? Vix says it was meeting the little squirt face to face that changed her mind and that she feels bad “bringing a kid into all of this!” Funny how Barfly doesn’t seem to mind, and she’s his mother.

Rikki’s getting pissed and wanting to know if they’re supposed to base their decisions all on what the family was like. VIkki reminds her that they went to meet the families to help with their decision-making, yes. “Okay, well, everybody’s family is fucked up!” spits Rikki, and she brings up how she’s falling so hard for Gnarly Trevor, and she doesn’t want to send him home just because his folks wanted to douse her and her sister in liquid sanitizer.

“You’re basically just saying that nobody’s good enough for you!” she challenges Vikki, and they’re off into another one of their tiresome fake arguments. Rikki says she knows who doesn’t care about her already, and that’s Stripperista, mostly because of all the Donkalish-lovin’ that went on while the Ikkis were there. Vikki’s trying to be a tad more reasonable than that, but Rikki insists “I know these people a lot better than you do, and what I say goes!” And that, my friends, is what finally pushes Vikki over the edge… she shoves her sister off the fabulous leopard-print high-heel chair and into a splay-legged heap on the floor…

…Luckily she’s wearing underwear, or this screen shot would have looked more at home under Rock Of Love Bus…

Vikki runs out of the room and locks herself in the den and starts faux-crying, while Rikki sits back down in the high-heel chair and starts faux-crying, too. Vikki just can’t believe that Rikki doesn’t trust her to be smart enough to form, like, opinions and stuff (wellll, she’s kinda gotcha there, Vix!) and Rikki eventually comes and finds her to apologize for thinking only about herself this entire time. From now on, they’re only going to think about each other (and themselves!) Everybody whose name rhymes with Ikki wins! They share a (fake) tearful hug. Awwww, I could just barf!

Somehow, all of a sudden, Stripperista finds her way to the Deliberation room and knocks on the door! She wrote the Twinz a note while she was on the flight back out to L.A. and wants them to read it. “It wasn’t to sway them into anything!”, she insists, “I wanted them to know that I think they’re great and no matter what happens I always wanna remain friends with them!” Yeah, and definitely to sway them into keeping your brown-nosing big-titted skeezy ass around another week. Jeez, Rosey, why not just be honest and admit you’re making a last-ditch effort to win this thing?

The letter is even worse than I imagined, blowing nine kinds of smoke up the Ikkis minidresses, saying that Stripperista’s learned so much about herself through this experience and she owes it all to Rix’N'Vix! She also thanks them for solving the problems in the Middle East and the energy crisis and fixing that pesky stock-market, too. Gosh, now the Ikkis aren’t so sure they want to send her home!

Finally it’s elimination time! After thanking everyone for allowing them to meet their families (gee, Xoe, I think you dodged a huge bullet on this one!) they claim to know more about the Ikkitestants than ever before. BUT, there are four people left, and only three keys! The first one goes to Barfly ‘Bekah, who is overjoyed that she gets to spend a few more days away from her bratty kid, er, I mean, she misses her son a lot, but she’ll tough it out because the Ikkis really want her there!

Gnarly Trevor gets the next key, “conservative” folks or not, he’s just too smokin’ hot for them to pass up! Chub-In-Training is starting to look frightened. This is not turning out the way he envisioned it in his tiny little brain (when he was able to clear enough porn out of it to think about something else)…

…Scott not understand why no have key-thingy yet…

So it’s down to Chub-In-Training Scott and Stripperista RoseMarie… oh, could it possibly be that my wishes have been granted? Please? Por favor? Just this once, God? And it looks like Scotty’s…

…still got a shot at love! DAMNITALL!!! Oh well, Stripperista is more annoying, and at least she’s finally going home now. Chubbsy is panting like a dog and nodding in agreement as the Ikkis tell him what a great boyfriend he’s going to make. Gnarly Trevor looks like he could puke at any second. Stripperista herself, on the other hand, does not look completely surprised…

…”I’m gonna kill that bitch ToniAnn the next time I see huh!”…

Still, she doesn’t get hysterical, just hugs them and says “I love youse both!” and with that she’s on her way back to Staten Island to bitch-slap a certain lesbiana relative for ruining her shot at love. With that, the Ikki Twins invite the remaining three on an awesome trip to Las VEGAS!!! Woo hoo! And there we have it!

What did you think of this episode? Do you believe Scotty’s family is really that cool? Or would you believe that Gnarly’s folks are more realistic? Do you hate the word “Donkalish.” as much as I do? Thanks so much for your patience in waiting for this recap, I’ll be back on track next week as there was no show this past Tuesday night, it got preempted by ObamaVisionâ„¢. I’m off in a few hours to Los Angeles to celebrate the BF’s birthday. We’ll see you all next week!

love, J-Mo