Double Shot At Love: Reunited And It Feels So Screwed

Hello again from J-Moville! Well, we’re coming down to the end of this sensitive and heartfelt portrayal of young people looking for love, and it appears that MTV has been edging during the fuckfest all this time, because tonight they spewed two and a half hours of Ikkiness all over my television screen! I never thought that I would look at a reunion show like Real Housewives Of Atlanta and think “Now there are some people with class…” but that was before I was witness to tonight’s convention of ditzes and douchebags that devolved into this…

…BullNicky gets to live out the fantasy I’ve had all season long…

It’d be trite to call it “Springer-esque” so let’s just say it reminded me of that Geraldo show where he got his face busted by flying chairs. On tonight’s initial episode of Double Shot At Love (inaptly subtitled “Happy Hour”… none of these people are even remotely happy) we get to check back in with most of the cast of reality show losers former Ikkitestants and see if any of them have discovered how to behave like humans. To paraphrase Bette Davis in “All About Eve”… fasten your couchbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night…Tonight’s host for this fabulous reunion is comedian Ryan Stout who has apparently hosted these kind of crapfests on previous seasons. He may or may not be a talented comic, but if he’s so funny I have to wonder why 495 Productions added an annoying canned laugh track to the show. He’s no Andy Cohen, that’s for sure.

Ryan starts off by introducing us to several people we barely remember, including PussyHoundCat Bella, Toe-Breath Coop, StupiDana (Joisey Goil), Tatted-Up David, The Claudinatrix, Fazio (a.k.a. “Faztastic”)… and for some reason Fazio is still wearing his weird Purple Pimp(le) costume from the premiere episode…

…Welcome to a Double Thimbleful Of Love…

…Boring Elise, Unemployed Beat-Off Ben (who is still screeching and doing the ol’ Air Jackoff), Secretly Straight Angela, Big Ball Paul, ‘Roid-Ragin’ Reality ManWhore Matt, Vanilla Kali, Masshole James…

…who gets booed… and a different kind of air gesture from Unemployed Ben…

…BullNicky, Stripperista RoseMarie, Chub-In-Training Scott (who jumps up and screams “I love lesbiaaaaaans!”), Gay Nick, and Black-Eyed Xoe (who actually looks pretty fabulous). No mention is made of Rooster-Head Fred, the “party promoter” who had stars cut into his hair… no loss there. We don’t see Club Kid Josh either, but Ryan quickly explains that he’s backstage somewhere. I’m sure he’s probably spitting rhymes and trying to bang one of the production assistants. Chubbsy screams out “His name’s not even Josh!” and Club Kid gets a solid chorus of boos from post-production the audience.

Starting off with a yawn, Ryan reminds us that seven people didn’t even get to find out that the Twins were, well, Twins, and asks Fazio if he knew he’d been talking to two different people. Faztastic just stands up and massages his penis through his tights a little bit, making Ryan’s mouth dry. Ryan accuses him of having had “strange acting classes”. I’m beginning to wish Ryan had taken some “funny comedian classes”.

Next in the crosshairs is StupiDana from Joisey… Ryan reminds her she called herself the “life of the party” and accuses her of freezing up. StupiDana looks annoyed and snaps back that they were just hanging around a pool and drinking, and there’s only so much fun you can have with that… “Did you want me to stay around for ‘Ikki-oke’??!?” Bwahahahaha, damn Dana, where was this spicy fire when you were actually on the show?!?…

…especially when she makes faces like this…

After StupiDana gets a couple of lame comebacks from Ryan, he moves on and asks Dude Jenn to explain what she meant when she said early on that she had dated a chick with a dick. “I love trannies and trannies love me!”, she says, which brings cheers from everyone. I wonder if Katelynn and Angelique on this week’s Real World would concur, cuz honestly, Jenn is a tad on the acidic bitchy side. Much like our host Ryan. Anyhow, she explains that she dated a girl for a few months, who then told her she used to be a guy “but she didn’t have a dick anymore, so it was fine.” Gee, Jenn, that was pretty lame. She made it sound like she was making out with someone and headed over to VaginaLand only to be confronted by a throbbing nine-inch clitoris. Yay for exaggeration!

Our first real flashback of the evening comes from the “crazy” first night these fucktards all moved into the IkkMansion… and here’s a scene I never saw before: Chub-In-Training wearing a stupid cowboy hat and his stars’n'bars wrestling singlet while diving forward and apparently sucking down a “body shot” off of… Big Ball Paul??!?…

…perhaps “body shot” is another term for “boner”?…

Not nearly as interesting is seeing Dude Jenn and Stripperista flash their tits. Even weirder is the fact that apparently Masshole James somehow wound up in the middle of the giant bed and having his underwear torn off (thankfully they cover up his actual Masshole with a lovely blue shot glass) and i don’t know who actually snatched his undies off…

…but I have my suspicions…

As if that wasn’t retch-inducing enough, we also get a medley of Unemployed Ben’s near-constant screeching and air-masturbating. He explains, “Life’s a joke… and beating off is all I got at the moment!” It’s too bad he didn’t get to hang around until they did the blow-up doll competition, he could have branched out his horizons a little and discovered inflatophilia. And Vanessa Vinyl never says no to some squeaky lovin’.

Another nauseous item that never made it on the show was BullNicky crawling into the bathtub with Chub-In-Training Scott. She says she’s a “platinum lesbian” (as opposed to your regular “gold” variety) and that she definitely doesn’t like “suawsage”, but when she got in the bath with him there was definitely a “real-life suawsage in there!” Well go ‘head and snap into your Slim Jim, Nicky! Looks like Black-Eyed Xoe joined them as well. Chubbsy, of course, says he had a great time, “Prolly the best bath I’ve ever taken!” Maybe the only bath he’s ever taken (this season at least).

Gosh, I guess sometimes there’s a reason some stuff doesn’t make it into a reality show. Take Masshole James’ flabby ass for example. Ryan wants to know how he wound up in the middle of the bed, spread-eagled and naked (Ryan appears to be furiously taking notes). Masshole says smugly, “Uhh, I think it was the supposed (*air quotes*) lesbians just couldn’t keep their hands owof me and decided to rip my clothes owof!” Black-Eyed Xoe becomes my personal hero as she says “You had, like, an innie, dude!”…

…Looks like Xoe’s heard the terms “needledick” and “the bugfuckah”…

…and now she knows what one looks like. This earns her a big “OOoooowwwwoooooohhhh!” from the audience and a high-five from Platinum Dyke BullNicky. Now Ryan wants to know how why BullNicky got into a bath and sat in a naked chubby man’s lap. “You sat right on my sausage!” shouts Chub-In-Training. BullNicky says she noticed him watching naked girls in the shower from his position in the bath, and that’s why she just had to get in there, pokey little cabanossi-dick or no. Chubbsy then calls her his “wingman”. *BLURK* 1′l b3 rgt bak, m1 k3ybrd dznt wrk s0 guud n0w tht 1 v0mtd al ovrrt…

Okay, back from Office Depot’s going-out-of-business-sale with a new keyboard, and Ryan’s saying how of course everyone starts out as friends in the house, but eventually people start shit-talking, and we focus on everybody’s favorite Right-Winger, Masshole James, flashing back to his drunken “scientific” arguments for why lesbians should like men. How sad that he just doesn’t understand why a lot of the girls he tries to go out with tell him they’re lesbians. Even ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt is put off by his dickfaced opinions, saying “James could be the most offensive jackass in the house.”…

…Matt is confused by the Science Of Massholeâ„¢…

We also get a replay of the gay marriage debate and James’ saying how wrong that is while wistfully envisioning being able to marry his dog. Ahhh, but the boys don’t have a corner on the asshat market, because here’s a medley of Stripperista’s Greatest Expletive-Laden Outburstsâ„¢… here she is fighting with Black-Eyed Xoe (the infamous “skankbox” insult!) and Vanilla Kali. It’s amazing that we were ever able to understand anything that came out of her mouth, because it’s almost all one long bleeeeep!

Of course, we couldn’t talk about irritating and annoying behavior without looking at the stupid hats, lame t-shirts and violent antics of our party-boy Chub-In-Training Scott, and how scary to think that Dude Jenn came within an ace of being sexually assaulted by him brandishing a pool noodle…

…oh puh-leeze, in his dreams!…

He does look like he enjoys straddling that big, thick, pink phallus. Speaking of other guys who enjoy big, thick, pink phallii, there’s also a flashback of Gay Nick and his neverending stream of tears and general buzzkilling mopeyness.

Wow, so it seems like a lot of these people are total jerks that I wouldn’t even want to know, much less live with (but I will watch them on TV, so there goes my moral high-ground). Ryan wants to address some of these “charges” and starts off by asking Stripperista about some of the mean things she said to Black-Eye… but first he takes time out to mention that he got a “Skankbox 360″ for Christmas and he loves it… (cue the canned laughter). They should have cued the crickets instead.

After that joke bombed, Stripperista admits that Xoe didn’t deserve the trash-talking, and says when she’s mad she just says stuff and then wishes she could take it back. Ryan stops her mid-sentence, saying he’s distracted by something different about her. I thought so, too, and RoseMarie confirms that she got lip-injections. That explains her sexy, voluptuous, just-got-punched-in-the-mouth look…

…sex-eeee…

RyRy drops another lead balloon when he tells her how natural it looks. The producers try to compensate for this with more laugh-track and sound-effects of a balloon being blown up and then popping. I think she might have gotten her boobs enlarged as well (I swear I can see the word “Spalding” outlined under both sides of her top). It seems as though Stripperista wants to be more like the Barbi Twins than the Ikki Twins.

Now Ryan wants to know what Masshole James thinks of ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt calling him “offensive”. James doesn’t understand what he said that could have been construed as offensive. Matt tries to explain, “When you have half the cast that’s homosexual… um, that’s gonna be offensive when you’re telling them they can marry animals.” Well, that’s not really what he said, but nice try, Matt.

Mr. Stout asks why Masshole even came on a buysexual dating show if he’s against the whole premise, “Like, did you think you might turn somebody?” Besides me and my stomach, that is? Well, of course James starts spouting that same old “homosexuality as a behavior vs. an innate genetic trait” thing, then gets mad at Vanilla Kali for apparently having written a blog calling him ignorant and hateful, and blah blah blah they’re screaming at each other. As always, MTV is your source for intelligent and thoughtful debate on the relevant social issues of our time…

…”You’re a Masshole!”…………”I am nawt!”…

…”Are too!”…………”Am nawt!”…

…”Are too!”…………”Am nawt!”…

Eventually Ryan stops them to ask James, “So you wouldn’t marry a man?” to which he replies “No!” prompting Vanilla Kali to fire back with “No man would fucking marry you, either!” You go, girl. She’s right, I wouldn’t marry him, but I would like to fuck him, so go figure.

Masshole makes a critical mistake when he starts yelling his Behaviorist Theories at BullNicky, who immediately gets all up in his face, talking about how he knows nothing about what it’s like to deal with prejudice day in and day out, and how she’d like to be able to take a pill so she wouldn’t be gay any more (awww, BullNicky, don’t take that attitude, where’s your celebration of diversity and gay pride?)… Then Masshole shoves her over the ledge when he spits “We know you wanna be a man, yes, we already heard it on TV…”

…just like we heard him go “Ack!” on TV…

I guess James didn’t get the memo about “don’t fuck with the lesbians”, because suddenly it’s an all-out bench-clearing brawl as many of the Ikkitestants flee the stage! The producers helpfully added lots of cat-yowling while all of this was going on. Ryan Stout attempts to look concerned as it takes several full-grown men to restrain BullNicky from murdering Masshole James with her bare hands, and we go to commercial.

When we return everyone is seated and calm-ish, and Ry wants to know from a still-pissed-looking BullNicky what it was that Masshole James said that set her off. I would have said it was because his lips were moving, but now that she’s had a shot of Thorazine and can think a little more clearly, she says it irritates her that some people think it’s all a joke, “like it’s an accessory to be gay now, like it’s a new fashion statement or something like that.” *cough*IkkiTwins*cough* She goes on to insist that gay marriage isn’t about being gay, “It’s about love!” Awww, there you go, Nicky… see how much better your argument is when you’re not all enraged?

Stouty askes Masshole if he’s okay, and James dickishly replies, “Hell yeah, I’m fine, that was fun!” and winks at Ryan. “Did you just wink at me, James? Did she beat the gay into you?” Ha ha ha, now I hope Ryan gets BullNicky’s next smackdown…

…except it looks like someone else got to him with their gay-stick first…

Ahh, but Ryan’s not done targeting homos as he invites Gay Nick to join him up on stage to view his flashback segment of being Miss Drama Queen 2008, and they have several interviews where he says he’s “good friends” with Stripperista, Barfly and Chub-In-Training, followed by segments of all three of them wanting to beat the shit out of him. Plus, he cries, everywhere, all the time, about everything.

Back in the studio, Stout wants to know why Gay Nick thinks people responded to him the way they did. Once again, Nick can’t form a complete sentence, but eventually we are able to gather that he spent a lot of time in the corner of the room writing music about how he was feeling. In fact, he wrote a song while he was on the show that is apparently about… well, being on the show. Fascinating.

Ryan points out that they have a CasioTone Keyboardâ„¢ there all ready and set up for Gay Nick to entertain the audience (and the home-viewers) with his awesome musical skills. Reluctantly he grabs it (setting the tone to something suitable like “Sensitive Electric Piano”) and starts playing his song…

..♪.”Some say looooooooove, ♪ it is a riiiiiverrrrrrr..♪. that drowwwwwwwwns ♪ the tenderrrrr reeeeeeed”.♪..

Okay, no, it’s not as bad as “The Rose”. It’s far worse. Gay Nick can’t sing to save his life. He should be on American Idol where his suckiness would be appreciated (and I’m sure Vote For The Worst would be all over him as their pick). Seriously, he’s singing straight through his nose, and the lyrics are (unfortunately) all about flames and water and whining. He’s not getting a great reaction from the other Ikkitestants, either…

…when the guy in the purple tights and cape is looking at you like you’re the nutbag, it’s time to stop…

Of course, Chub-In-Training Scott takes matters into his own hands, runs up on the stage, unplugs the keyboard, grabs it out of Gay Nick’s lap and throws it across the studio while yelling “That’s what I think about your song!” Niiiice, and this is the fella who made it to the top three?…

…somebody’s in dire need of a dosage adjustment…

Chubbsy obviously thinks this violent outburst is funny, but several people are looking frightened by his anger issues as he gives the poor CasioToneâ„¢ another vicious kick as he swaggers back to his seat, puffed up even bigger than usual under that unfortunate seat-cover of a pimp-coat he’s wearing. Others, however (such as FartMan Toe-Breath Coop) seem to think it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever seen that this asshat just destroyed a defenseless keyboard, and Scotty’s soaking up the glorious attention…

…being a giant asshole is fun!…

Gay Nick was just kind of sitting there stunned, but as he recovers he says “I thought you were going to come up and play your own song…” Chub-In-Training yells “That was my song… the sound of your keyboard breaking!” Gay Nick goes and picks up the keyboard, challenging Scotty to sing his own song, but when he gets close to where Chubbsy is sitting, the douchebag just grabs the keyboard and throws it across the room again. Seeing his beloved musical instrument further harmed has pushed Gay Nick past his limit and he actually slaps Scotty!…

…”And that’s for hurting my CasioToneâ„¢, you brute!”…

Time for Brawl #2! Oddly, their little fight is less masculine than the one BullNicky just engaged Masshole James in (I think she could take all of them, that bitch is one tough lesbiana!) all they do is push each other a couple of times before they are quickly separated by beefy security guys. After Chub-In-Training gets his pimp-coat back on, Gay Nick actually comes and sits down right next to him! Huh? I smell something scripted. And Scott’s rancid body odor. Enough of these two and their passive-aggressive homoeroticism, let’s move on.

Ryan says now that they’ve talked to the most sensitive person in the house, he’d like to talk to the least and invites Stripperista up on stage wit’ him. Once she hoists her giant basketbreasts up on stage and gets seated, we are favored with another profane medley of her calling people “fucker” and “asshole” and “full of shit”…

…and “fuckety-fuck-fuck-face”…

Thankfully we get to see a repeat of the Ikkis sending her foul mouth home. Back in the studio, Ryan says her mouth is “like a sailor’s with Tourette’s convention!” Ba-dum-bump-tssssss! Stripperista says her New Year’s resolution is to not swear any more. She must have made that one at the same time she resolved to stop getting porn plastic surgery.

Stoutmeister wants to know about her “beef” with Vanilla Kali. Stripperista says that they made up, but Kali’s shaking her head. Kali says it pissed her off that RoseMarie was calling her “fake” when she was the one doing all the lying and not telling the Ikki Twins about her hook-up with Club Kid Josh. Stripperista’s trying to say she did tell them about it. Yeah, only after several episodes passed and she was under the dreaded Ikki Cross Examination. Kali’s got a point. Then Rosey calls her a fucking douche. Resolution destruction complete and it’s off to some important messages…

…too bad this miracle weight-loss drug can’t do anything for that mug of hers…

We’re back after that lovely anti-fat message (as I peel open yet another pint of Häagen Dazs) and it’s time to bring out Club Kid Josh! Of course he gets a loud bunch of booing from the audience and his fellow former Ikkitestants, but he doesn’t seem bothered by it at all. Narcissicm is a wonderfully effective defense mechanism. As he sits down next to a tense-looking Stripperista we see the flashback of the Pop Kiss Heard ‘Round The IkkMansion.

Hey, here’s an interview with Stripperista saying that when she got into bed with Club Kid that first night, she immediately “passed out” and went to sleep! This is followed by footage that instantly makes her a liar, because she’s all over Josh, giving herself faceburn on his cool chin-strap/soul patch combo (and I am still unclear on what his back-and-forth hand motions under the blanket near her crotch were all about). Fast-forward to the Ikkis finding out about it and both Josh and Rosey are lying through their teeth about whether it happened (yes) how it happened (they were drunk) why it happened (they’re both sluts) and the intensity of the event (apparently it was pretty much panty-incinerating).

This is followed by Club Kid’s truly despicable accusation that Stripperista was just chasing after him and randomly sticking her tongue in his mouth (although I wouldn’t put that kind of behavior past her) and his eventual declaration that he didn’t really give a shit about the Ikki-Twins, he was really in “love” with her, which got him forcibly ejected from the IkkMansion. As we return to the studio, Club Kid looks completely unapologetic, basking in his protective glow of awesome…

…awesomely delusional…

RyRy wants to know who else knew about the kissing and still didn’t say anything. ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matty pipes up and tells Josh, “You owe me, bro! That’s all I been waitin’ to say t’you for a long time!” This gets him another meaningless declaration of love from Joshy in return. It’s only just now dawning on ‘Roid-Rager that if he had said something he might have stuck around longer and had a better shot at an Ikki, but he was raised “not to rat.”

Club Kid’s going on a long-winded explanation of what happened (Stripperista jumps in to lie some more and claims that after that first night they never did anything else… I guess “Tell the truth more” was her third New Year’s Eve Resolution) and now ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matty and BullNicky want to know why the two of them didn’t just bounce right then. Josh says “The best answer I can give you, and it’s not a good answer… it’s just self-preservation!” Whoa, whoa, whoa! Waaaayyy too many syllables in that word for Matt to understand.

…”Prezz-ur-vayy-shun? That’s where the Indians have their casinos, right?”…

“What are you preserving?” BullNicky wants to know. Club Kid compares it to a basketball or football game that you don’t want to lose. “So you were competing just to compete!” she says. “It’s a competition.” insists Josh. Suddenly, out of nowhere Unemployed Ben speaks up, “The fact is, it’s douchebags like this that get on these shows that always get the women!…” Club Kid interrupts and tells Ben to go jack off some more, but Ben isn’t fazed, “That’s all I’ve got at the moment, but the fact is at least I’d be loyal to a lady if I got her, and not just screw around like a douchebag!” Rousing applause, and good point, Ben. Now go get a job. And some Lubridermâ„¢.

Ryan goes for another one of his knee-slappers as he says “Awwww, Ben… that’s so sweet… and kind of meaningless.” (cue laugh-track) Boy, Mr. Stout is just knockin’ ‘em out of the park this evening. At least he’s finished with Stripperista and we can focus on the main fuckwit of the moment, namely Club Kid Josh. It’s time for his video flashback, showing all his smooth action with the Ikkis, telling them everything they want to hear in order to get them to make out with him. And the ditzes fall for it all.

Joshy says he was raised by his mother, so he’s got a very sensitive side to him, and writes poetry…

…”There once was a man from Nantucket…”…

The others are all cracking up because they’ve seen his poimes. We also get footage of Club Kid telling Stripperista how “tired” he is of “meaningless sex” (I’m sure in his lexicon “meaningless” = “I didn’t get off”) and then we’re brought back to the afternoon where they found his Book Of Rhymes after he’d been kicked to the curb and started reading them. Oh, but here’s something we didnt know before… in looking further through the book, they discover he was scripting his conversations with the Ikkis! We get three separate examples that Stripperista reads out loud, followed by the actual video footage where he said almost the exact same things to the Twins, almost verbatim! I am actually speechless that someone could be so calculating, but then again, I haven’t ever dated a lot of guys like Josh because, well, I have taste.

Club Kid tries to defend this lack of spontaneity by saying he was writing down things “as he was going through them”, much like a journal. Except most people don’t use their journals to try and smarmily coax stupid girls into dating them, while rubbing up all over other, more chesty candidates. Stoutmeister asks Black-Eye Xoe if she believes this, but before she can answer, Chub-In-Training makes his only valuable contribution to the evening when he calls out “He had a wardrobe book, too!” Xoe confirms that Josh did this, writing out everything he was going to wear for the day, and now I think he’s just anal-retentive and more than a little creepy…

…”What? There’s nothing wrong with compulsive list-making! Serial killers do it all the time!”…

Ryan wants to know if Club Kid thinks Rikki was right when she called him a “playa”. After hemming and hawing for several seconds (and getting a “Just say yes!” from Vanilla Kali) Josh grudgingly admits to his playa-ness, which makes Ryan roll his eyes and tell Josh to get the fuck off his stage! Chubbsy even comes over to help escort him down! Yay, we’re done with this asshole for now! Ahh, but after the commercials the Ikki Twins are going to join the group, and Rikki says they’re going to put Josh “on blast!”. Ooooh, I’m so scarzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

…I’m sure our egocentric Ikkis would never conceive that this could ever apply to them…

Hey, we’re back, and it’s time to use the wide-angle lens to view the sheer length and breadth that is the dickbaggery of Chub-In-Training Scott. He’s super-excited and eager to show off his cool haircut…

…and by “cool” I mean “stupid”…

“I want my MTV!” he yells. Ryan responds rather dryly, “Yeah, very 1985 of you.” That one goes right over Scotty’s patchy head. Ry wants to know if his pimpcoat is made of skunk. Chubbsy says it’s chinchilla. Damn, really? Where are those PETA people with their big righteous buckets of paint when you really need them? They must still be out stalking Anna Wintour. “Ahh, it’s faux chinchilla!” corrects Stouty. Okay, if it’s fake, then it’s all right I guess.

In Chubbsy’s video flashback we get to see him dressed up in tights again as “Wonder Thunder” (now I think that was just referring to his equally loud ass), and his jamming his tongue down Rikki’s throat the first time he met her. Several of the Ikkitestants interview at what a loud, obnoxious, dirty boy he is…

…who has a serious “drinking problem” in the “Airplane!” sense…

We also get a replay of his trip home to the Goldfarb residence where they “Hava Nagila”-ed and horah-ed all night while the Twins shook their tits and rubbed all over his uncle…

…someone looks a little jealous that the older guy got more action than he did…

We hear Scotty’s mom talking about how much “calmer” he seems, immediately followed by his frenetic screaming and partying while in Vegas… the partying which brought about his eventual downfall on the show because he was too hung over the next night on his private date with the Twins to remember where his penis was, much less get an erection with it.

Here’s a little tidbit that we didn’t have before! Vikki interviews that she was actually glad that Rikki took Chubbsy away for private date-and-grope-time first, because apparently his nose was running heavily and he had snot all over his face. Snot that kept pouring out of his nose all night long… and which he kept on removing with his bare hands…

…I guess he didn’t get “gentlemanned” enough to realize it’s a good idea to always carry a handkerchief…

“You go have fun with the Snot Monster!” laughs Vikki, “I’ll stay dry over here!” Yes, because that’s the same hand he’s using to grab Rikki’s ass with! Ewie! Have you ever been kissing someone and had a booger land on your cheek? I’m asking you, Rikki. They also revisit how he insulted Vikki by telling her how awesome Rikki is, and how they eventually had to put him into bed to pass out, which caused him to miss naked jacuzzi time with the girls. Dumbass.

Back in the studio, Ryan takes the opportunity to chide Scott for living “every man’s fantasy” of hot twins in a penthouse in Vegas, and he fell asleep on them. Chubbsy’s response to that?: “Hey, you know, uh, even Rome fell, you know?” Yeah, but not asleep, stupid. An even dumber question comes from Ryan, “If you could do it over again, what would you have done differently?” Duh. Scotty says he parties ev-er-ee day and he should have taken one night off and stayed in, but he was just so tired that he was starting to say “stupid things”. He obviously has no clue that his drowsiness has nothing to do with that, but Ryan refrains from pointing this out and sends Chub-In-Training back to his Kingly Throne amongst the peasants.

Now it’s time to bring on the Ikki Twinz, who have no doubt been chomping at their bra-straps to get out there and be the center of attention again!…

…”All eyez back on us, mm’kay?”…

After they are seated, the first thing Rikki wants to say to the assembled cast is how “great” they all look (Wow, even Faztastic?) and how she’s happy to see “mmmmost” of them… and her first question of the night is for Secretly Straight Angela! “If you’re not bi, or you’re not a lesbian, why are you on a bisexual dating show?” I would have totally turned that question back around on her, but Angela’s still pretty cool under fire, calmly replying that she came on the show with an open mind and was possibly thinking about trying to “switch teams?”.

This answer does not go over well with the Twinz, as Rikki righteously reminds her that they were there to “find love”, not be a “social experiment” for her, and thinks it was just “really rude” that Angela set such a bad tone for her from the beginning. Vikki jumps into the fray saying “You’re straight, you’re bi, you’re a lesbian… whatever! Go to your local bar, kiss some girls, see if it’s for you… don’t go on here and try to, like, break our hearts over it!”

Ahhh, so that’s how sexuality works! You try it on like a pair of overpriced Ed Hardy jeans! Thanks Vikki, I didn’t realize that I hadn’t fully explored my possible heterosexuality by going to my local bar and kissing some random skanks hanging out there. I always thought I just liked dick because, well, it tasted good and felt nice and was attached to a man. You’ve totally opened my eyes… to how completely moronic you two really are!

…perhaps this film might make more sense to them…

And as for you, Secretly Straight Angela, how dare you come on this show and exploit the Ikki Twins for your own purposes like that! How completely rude of you to ply them with copious amounts of free alcohol, make them live with a bunch of other skanky sluts and douchebags, dress up in skimpy cow costumes and hook up with 23 other people… oh wait, that’s what they did to you! Carry on, girlfriend!

After having this pile of self-righteous bullshit unloaded on her from these two drama queens (who probably barely remember who she even was) Secretly Straight Angela gets my favorite line of the night… her response when Rikki blathers on that she “regrets” meeting her and wishes that she hadn’t?…

…”I honestly don’t care.”…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That hissing sound you hear? That’s some of the air being let out of the Ikki’s giant egos. Nobody’s really saying much of anything in response to this, so Vikki tries to save face by lamely joking “Well, I’m happy I never met you!” and it falls as flat as one of Ryan’s little sallies.

After a commercial for a far more interesting MTV show (“Making The Band” where the kids are famous for more than just taking their clothes off… although, come to think of it, Danity Kane hardly ever wears any, so maybe that’s not such a good example.) Vikki is taking her turn to ask somebody something. Pasting a fake look of concern on her face, she asks Black-Eyed Xoe if she ever came out to her father as a lesbian and wants to know how that went (since Xoe was so selfish and didn’t allow the show to videotape that conversation while the Ikkis would have worn pasties and jiggled their breasts all over her dad).

Xoe says she has never come out to her dad, and Rikki tries to compare that to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. Black-Eye corrects her by saying it’s more of a Don’t Do That At All kind of thing, her father expects his rules to be followed in his house. Ryan wants to know what her dad thinks of the show (because Ryan and the Ikkis just can’t conceive of anyone not watching MTV) and Black-Eye quietly explains that while her mom and sister watch and enjoy it, they do not talk about it or expose her dad to it because they don’t want to upset him. She says, “I’m not gonna do that, because I’m not a disrespectful daughter.”…

…”Unlike some other trampy skankboxes I know of!”…

Seeing as she didn’t give them the drama they were looking for, the Ikkis again try to save face by insisting that they were just “curious about how that went over”. Ha ha, so far it’s Ikkitestants – 2, Ikki Twins – 0.

Ahhh, but they have an easy target with Chub-In-Training Scotty! Rikki wants to know if (duh) he regrets falling asleep on their “intimate date”. Might as well have asked him if he’s ever passed out in a puddle of his own puke. Chubbsy says yeah, he sure fell on his face there. Vikki sharply observes, “Yeah, the partying thing caught up with you for sure on that one.” Rikki goes on to ask, “Are you falling asleep right now? You were all, like, crazy before, and then we come out here and all of a sudden you’re like about to fall asleep again!” I have to wonder if she’s right, because if you look closely at Chubbsy’s face…

…he’s got a pretty sizable set of matching eye-bags!…

Then again, it could just be because the Ikkis really aren’t all that fascinating. Scotty just says he’s happy to see them (while Rikki says he’s just being quiet because he’s “showing his boyfriend side!” I guess the “boyfriend side” takes a lot less energy than the “dickface side” that he’s been showing everybody else all night long. He goes up to cop a quick feel get a hug from Rikki, and Vikki also hugs him and tells him she’s still kinda mad at him, but whatever.

The first honest statement of the evening from the Twins comes when they tell ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt that they really regret sending him home, and Vikki asks if she can see his abs one more time (you will note, they did not ask Scotty to do this). Matty rips his shirt open (because buttons take too much time and are hard to work) and the camera just happens to catch Ryan’s face when he gets a good look at Matt’s awesome bod…

…he’s trying to look all grossed out… and not quite making it…

My BF thanks the Ikkis for that gift as well. Next, Rikki wants to know if Gay Nick has anything to say to her (right after telling him how glad she is that she’s “over him” now). Gay Nick stutters and stammers as usual, saying he’s sorry for making her upset, it was soooo unintentional. He’s still trying to say that while he’s not great with words, he does like to express himself through music (which is a lie, he likes to express himself mostly through whining) and brings up the fact that he had really been hoping to come there and perform his song for the Twins. He’s still upset that Scotty trashed the CasioToneâ„¢ in such a disrespectful manner. “Well, I came here to break shit and have fun.” says Chub-In-Training. Niiiice. I guess that “boyfriend side” just took a hike, huh, Rikki?

This is quickly spiraling away from being all about the Ikki Twins again! Rikki refocuses the conversation by demanding “What does the song have to do with us?” Gay Nick says it was about his experience in the house and that “there were lines in there… if I woulda got to it… that were about you!” This brings a collective “Awwwwwww!” from the audience. “Now they’re gone forever!” observes RyRy helpfully as the camera shows the poor dead keyboard still laying on the floor. Chubbsy just grins like a giant douche at his handiwork. Ryan crows “Well, Nick… it sucks to be you this evening!” Please, someone get this guy off my TV, he is making me feel like I’m watching Bob Saget do his stupid schtick from early 90′s “America’s UnFunniest Home Videos”…

…mugging for the camera = comedy genius…

Last up (finally!) to be the object of Ikki-wrath is poor Club Kid Josh. Vikki reminds him how he played her, Rikki and Stripperista, and asks, “Are you just a dick, or is there something else that I don’t see?” To his credit, Josh actually admits he has no excuse for his behavior, he came off like an asshole and he lied about the kissing. After a few unsuccessful attempts by the Ikkis to drag out this tired drama even further, Josh cuts them short, says he knows there’s no defending himself and just apologizes to everyone, including Stripperista and the Twinz, and he’s ready to leave it at that (especially since the producers are probably signalling that they’re about out of time).

Ahhh, but Rikki keeps trying to shit-talk, saying that if he and Stripperista would have just come to them and told them about the evil Pop-Kissing the day after it happened, she would respect him so much more. She fails to grasp that (like Angela) he, too, doesn’t give a shit about her respect. Ryan jumps in at this point to compliment Club Kid on his “strategy”, saying “You’ve had a lot of explaining to do, and you’ve said ‘I’m not gonna clear anything up, I’m just gonna apologize!’” Josh is starting to get a little irritable as he spits back “What else can I do, there’s no ‘clearing it up’!”…

…”So fuck all y’all bitches!”…

Dammit show! Stop making me sympathize with this spiky-haired assmunch! I actually don’t blame him for getting a little heated, he’s apologized and admitted he was a jackass but these bitches just won’t let it go. It was a few kisses and some possible digital-labial manipulation, get the fuck over it already, girls! That is so totally, like, seven episodes ago, let’s move on with our lives. And on that note, Ryan decides to end the evening… but not before giving us a sneak peek at the Season Finale coming up in a few minutes, in which everybody says how confused they are, and then everybody cries. I can’t stand it wait. With that, they all grab a shot of what looks like tap water and have one final toast to the train wreck…

…or maybe it’s Everclear, because who really wants to remember they were on this show?…

And there you have it, “Happy Hour” *snort* is over! What did you think of this episode? Were you as surprised as I was by all the violent behavior that they allowed? How did nobody get arrested? Or did it seem scripted to you, too? Are you about finished with the Ikkis (like I am)? I found it highly interesting that all of their attempts to bring extra drama into the evening were blocked at every turn, and the two of them just came off like nasty bitches (in my nasty bitchy opinion). Stay tuned, because in another day or so I will have a new recap of the Finale for you, followed by the half-hour wrap-up show aptly entitled “One Shot Too Many”. If you’ve stuck with me this far, please trust me, I’m going to take you all the way through to the end, okay?

love, J-Mo