Drag Race Recap: Faces and Heels

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, someone named Alisa Summers was asked to sashay away prompting the collective viewing audience to say “Who?” even while she was speaking. Sharon Needles was given the greatest gift of all, her very own challenge to knock out of the park, which she did with style. And Jiggly Caliente gave us a taste, a soupçon, an amuse-bouche, if you will, of her stank attitude.

It’s a new day in the work room and the queens gather around the two-way mirror to read Alisa’s goodbye message and shame Jiggly because she sent her home. Jiggly knows no shame, only how to blame outside forces for her own failures, and obviouses that she wasn’t going home, like she’s Jennifer Hudson.

Phi Phi asks in a chipper tone who wants to trade out Jiggly for Alisa and the sky parts so that unicorns, angels and pegasuses (pegasii?) can float on down because…for a moment, I liked Phi Phi. But then, all the queens raise their hands so maybe Phi Phi was just stating what we already know. Either way, point to Miss O’Hara. Then Jiggly confirms why I want to bounce Nerf balls off her head when she confuses “being annoying” with being a threat and says she feels like all the other queens want to “assassinate” her.  Maybe, but not because you’re competition, gurr.

I still think your glasses are stupid.

Latrice and LaShauwn talk about how everyone was surprised that sleepy, quiet LaShauwn turned it out on the runway last week. Latrice is Mama Bearing LaShauwn about being too quiet which leads to the first anvil interview where LaShauwn talks about how she prepared a package to beat these girls, and that she’s fine. Clearly, LaShauwn doesn’t watch reality TV. Realizing that the camera operator and sound-tech were nowhere near her, Kenya decides to ride around the workroom on a broom, because you WILL love her.

She Mail! Ru makes a lot of references to sports and violence, which is as American as apple pie and gun shows. Meanwhile, we get a shot of Milan with a pick in his hair like he’s an extra on What’s Happening! and I remember what a crush I had on Dwayne. He was cute.

Heyheyhey!

Hello! Hello! Hello! Ru’s in the work room looking dapper in his gray, glen plaid vest and gingham checked dress shirt. He’s here to introduce this week’s mini-challenge. The queens are going to make “an ass” out of themselves, but carving foam and/or using packing peanuts to make big, juicy ass pads…and go!

The queens descend upon the materials and retreat to their work stations. Chad takes pride in how she pads, but is flying blind because this is not how she normally operates, and Dida doesn’t think they have enough time. Meanwhile, Jiggly’s just adding some packing peanuts to her already substantial ass, but work with what you have, gurr. I’m not going to hate…yet.

Sharon decides to give the audience a tutorial on how to pad by informing us to always start by carving out the foam into the shape of Africa, or as Latrice calls it “the homeland.” Latrice sasses back that she’s “Polynesian, bitch,” and Willam pulls back the curtain to let us know that they get some kind of briefing beforehand because she thought it was going to be an athletic challenge and wore a jock. But that comes later. This scene, though, is only notable for Phi Phi’s awesome facial expression. Bitch, stop making me like you.

Okay, I’m amused.

Time’s up and Ru’s here to judge them asses. First up, the Apple Bottoms, comprised of Dida Ritz, Phi Phi O’Hara, Madame LaQueer and Jiggly Caliente. Who really did just shove some packing peanuts down her pants and call it a day. And she wonders why people think she’s lazy. Oh, that’s just me? Never mind.

Apple Bottoms

And I haven’t a clue why Madame LaQueer shoved a foam head down her pants.  Some mysteries cannot be solved.  Next up, Ghetto Booties and too bad it’s an ass challenge because Sharon’s lips are awesome. In addition to Sharon, Willam, the Princess and Kenya Michaels are in this group, and I love Sharon but her padded ass looks like something out of a John Carpenter movie.

Ghetto Booties

Last group up are the Badonkadonks with Latrice, LaShauwn, Chad and Milan. LaShauwn shows some personality and charm in an interview but while all the Badonkadonk’s do good jobs, damn if Chad’s pads aren’t the best of all. They actually look like really big, R. Crumb fever dream, ass cheeks and not goiters, tumors or packing peanuts.

Badonkadonks

But before I announce the winners, let’s give it up for Milan’s Dunka Doo Realness. She must be a fan of The Soup:

Badonkadunka Doo Balls

Milan’s like the little Easter eggs of the season. Look for her to be doing something entertaining just on the fringes of the action. So who won? Phi Phi, Willam and, of course, Chad. Chad does a booty dance so Ru can announce that they’re going to need to hold on to their padded asses because this week’s main challenge is for them to transform themselves into the “Luscious Ladies of the WTF (Wrestling’s Trashiest Fighters…redundancy?)” Latrice obviouses that she’s a “big bitch,” and “Who’s going to outwrestle her.” They can only hope to contain you, Latrice. Then Madame LaQueer lets us know that, contrary to what we might think, she’s not athletic, at all.

But wait, there’s more. Because there isn’t enough tension or animosity, they’ll be competing as teams and the challenge winners get to choose and deal with the fallout even though someone always has to be last. Phi Phi may be a pain in the ass, but she’s not stupid, so she chooses Latrice. Willam chooses Dida and Chad chooses Milan. Next picks? Phi Phi goes with Kenya, Willam picks The Princess and Chad chooses Sharon, because Chad knows quality.

Pretty girls are pretty.

Final picks, and Phi Phi lets us know that she doesn’t want Jiggly or Madame LaQueer because they “whine and complain” and I laugh and laugh because a lack of self-awareness is always funny, so she picks LaShauwn, leaving Willam with the last pick. She chooses Jiggly with all the enthusiasm of a hung-over substitute teacher, but Jiggly doesn’t care, she wasn’t last so she does a sumo dance. Madame LaQueer says it feels weird to be the last picked, but she’s used to it, in a way that says maybe, but that doesn’t make it feel any better when it happens.

Because this might be the most elaborately set up challenge to date, Ru’s STILL explaining the challenge. Each team will further break down into heroes or “faces” and villains or “heels.” They’ll get some training with professional wrestlers who will coach them on the fine art of wrestling which, in the time allotted, will amount to how not to break your back when you fall. Then, for no reason other than to drop an anvil, Chad’s team meets so that Madame LaQueer can tell us all, again, about how she sprained her ankle a month earlier but for them not to worry about it. She’ll soldier on.

Brave, little, glittery toaster

Willam’s happy with his team and says she’s good with stunts and prat falls. Jiggly mouth-breathes that it’s all about attitude, attitude, attitude because that’s all she’s got going for her and The Princess with her soft voice informs us that wrestling’s not her thing. You don’t say, Princess. Then it’s time for Dida to drop an anvil about how they’re going to ace the challenge.

As Phi Phi’s team head to training, we see three professional wrestlers, “Hollywood’s Own” Joey Ryan, Hector “El Chido” Canales and “King of Submissions” (is he a university admissions officer) Ryan Taylor, bouncing and flying around the ring, and while a lot of it is staged, they’re still highly trained athletes and, yes, I actually watched Tough Enough so I know. The queens just stand around, agog, watching the three sides of beef in spandex.

The wrestling may be fake, but the herniated disks are real.

Their practice goes well enough and we see that Latrice probably has 200 pounds on little Kenya, because bitch is throwing her around like a rag doll while LaShauwn is like “Damn, she’s heavy.” Phi Phi Phi Phis that she doesn’t think LaShauwn’s really getting the concept of the challenge as we see LaShauwn…not really get the concept of the challenge. She’s being really kind of adorable when she falls back and cuddles up with Latrice. Oh, LaShauwn.

I want to be a soft, quiet professional wrestler.

Time for Willam’s team to practice and Jiggly thinks all she needs to do is be an asshole who flips the audience off and yells out “NEW YORK, BROOKLYN, BABY” 150 times and she’s golden. She’s wrong, but The Princess provides her cover as she kind of stands around while Jiggly acts the fool. Then Willam gives us her soundbite for the episode when she says “Princess is giving us closed-captioning while Jiggly’s in stereo.” Hee, I like shade that requires a sentence diagram.

Finally, Chad’s team comes in for training and the wrestlers want to teach them how to do a body slam. This allows Madame LaQueer to have a mini-freak out about her ankle, again, but when Sharon and Madame LaQueer face off to practice the move, she seems fine, picking up and dropping Sharon easily and safely. Even her fall seems intentional and the “pain” was from falling on a chain. Still, have to keep that storyline going so Milan provides the recycled interview about how they’re worried about LaQueer. (Wait, reality shows aren’t entirely REAL??!??!?)

Who knew Madame LaQueer was Tony Soprano?

Hello, hello, hello! It’s time for Ru’s workroom chat session. First up, Phi Phi’s team. She and LaShauwn will be the faces and Latrice and Kenya are the heels. Their backstory is that Phi Phi slipped them the wrong product and they ended up growing beards. Latrice confirms that they will, in fact, be sporting beards and Ru questions that decision. Phi Phi goes all middle-manager and says she believes they’ll be able to get their story across but Ru cuts her off with a “But you’re not the one who’s going to be looking hideous.”

Phi Phi briefly considers sucker punching Ru in the balls, but thinks the better of it. Ru points out that people want to be excited and turned on by the wrestlers then tragically asks LaShauwn to give her a taste of the character she’s developed. Ru’s not convinced and hopes they’re still in the planning stages and heads over to Willam’s team.

Maybe if I duck real quick he’ll think LaShauwn punched him in the nuts.

Ru asks who the faces are and Willam and Dida posture and pose at themselves and each other. Then Ru sees that The Princess’ costume looks pretty much done and asks if it’s something they had. She says yes, but she’s “embellishing it” so Jiggly piggybacks on that answer and says she’s “embellishing, too.” Ru takes a moment to twist the knife a little and remind Jiggly that her costume sucked ass in the first challenge so she needs not to suck as bad this time. Jiggly states the obvious in an interview when she says she’s not planning on being anywhere near the bottom two this time. Because I guess last time it was part of her master strategy to lull the others into thinking she sucks by sucking.

No time to visit with Chad’s team because they’re all pros, anyway. It’s time for Ru to give them their pre-challenge pep talk by letting them know that this week’s special guest judges will be 13 1/2 feet and close to 500 pounds of manly men: former NBA stars, Rick Fox and John Salley. The queens applaud as Willam gets dreamy-eyed and says she’s going to tuck extra tight for Rick and John.

And a Ru shall lead them!

Wrestling time. LaShauwn and Phi Phi look cute as blondes while Latrice and Kenya are pretty funny as “Latrice the Beast” and “Killer Kenya” right down to Latrice grabbing Kenya by her foot and throwing her over the ropes. Phi Phi and LaShauwn enter the ring like valley girls and hold up hand mirrors for each other, but their whole routine is basically built around Latrice throwing Kenya around. Because in the words of Mariah Paris Successful Balenciaga Drunk, “Baby. When it’s right, it’s right.”

Don’t worry. The wig broke the fall.

Time for Willam’s team and they don’t seem as focused as Phi Phi’s or on the same page. The moves are entertaining enough but there doesn’t seem to be the same kind of story built around it. And while The Princess does seem out of her element, Jiggly takes a moment to remind us all why we want her to put a sock in it when she says if she goes in the bottom two because of the Princess, “It ain’t gonna be cute.” Neither are threateningly vague cliché’s, Jiggly.

Chad’s team starts with Sharon and Milan discussing their crabs, or as Milan calls it “Snatch Scratch Fever.” Heh. And they should win just for that. But Chad comes in with Madame LaQueer on a chain and calls them “Scratch and Sniff.” Heh, again. They carry the characters all the way to the stage, again with Chad and Madame stealing the show as Chad yells out “Shut your piehole, you slut.” And while their moves may not have been as entertaining as watching Latrice throwing around Kenya, they nailed every other aspect of the challenge. The first time I watched it seemed like any team could win, but on rewatch, I think it’s down to the moves of Phi Phi’s team to the commitment to character of Chad’s.

I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation.

Runway day, and time for someone to have to buck up Jiggly’s flagging confidence and gloomy gus demeanor. This week it falls to Willam who wants to know what Jiggly was dissatisfied with, leaving Jiggly the perfect opening to shit-talk The Princess. Because nothing makes Jiggly feel better than spreading her stank. Princess, to her credit, is not interested in dealing with Jiggly’s BS and says it as plainly as possible to kill it in its tracks. Yay, Princess.

LaShauwn and Latrice are painting and talking about back home in S. Florida and how LaShauwn spends so much time sewing for other queens that she doesn’t get much time in drag. Latrice is very Mama Bear to little Baby Bear LaShauwn and LaShauwn’s a sweet kid. I’m sure this isn’t foreshadowing or anything.

Character development time: This week? Madame LaQueer. Milan asks her what her family thinks about her doing drag and she says she’s not close to her family. There’s an edit where Madame must have spoken more deeply about the situation because we cut immediately to Chad being overwhelmed as LaQueer says her friends are her family and Sharon comes over to tell them that they are “Selfish, vain, creatures of beauty and isn’t it bizarre how we make the best friends in the world.” She’s hugging LaQueer and looking at Chad and ends with a kiss on the top of LaQueer’s head and have I mentioned lately how much I love Sharon Needles? And the rest of their team, because they all seem like good eggs.  Including Milan, who’s offering silent support just off camera.

The roar of the greasepaint, the love of a drag queen.

But enough of this meaningful moment of bonding among sisters, it’s runway time. Since the main challenge was to be the Luscious Ladies of the WTF, the runway challenge is for the queens to present their best Girly Girl drag. To illustrate, Ru looks like a candy store.

Candy girl, you are my world.

Joining Ru is the ever present Michelle Visage and semi-permanent judge Billy B as well as the previously mentioned, deliciously handsome, Rick Fox and John Salley. And is it any wonder that a seven foot man named “Salley” would be a guest judge?

They both look so happy to be there.

Judges weren’t very quippy this week, which might be because the queens were hotfooting down the runway like the cops were a block away. Slow down, bitches.

Kenya MichaelsRuPaul: Mary-Kate Minaj

LaShauwn BeyondRuPaul: I’d like to stick a quarter in her slot.

Sharon NeedlesMichelle: The Lost Arquette Sister

Jiggly CalienteBilly B.: Kimora Lee Simmons put on a little weight.

MilanRuPaul: I see London, I see France, I see Milan’s underpants.

Madame LaQueerBilly: Hair show in Mississippi

Dida RitzMichelle: I thought it was P. Diddy’s mom.

Chad MichaelsRuPaul: Heidi Montag wants her old body back.

The PrincessRuPaul: There’s something about The Princess.

Phi Phi O’HaraRuPaul: TeleMUUUUUUUUUUUNdo

Latrice RoyaleRuPaul: Star Jones wants her old body back.

WillamBilly: Toddlers and Tiaras, where are they now?

Back from commercials and time to find out which team won. Chad’s team. And I agree even if it was kind of a toss-up. Phi Phi’s team had the moves but Chad’s had the performance. They committed to those characters and their script was funnier. So congratulations, Team Chad. And an extra congratulations to Chad and Madame LaQueer for winning the challenge and a selection of wigs from Risqué Wigs. No bling this time, though. I guess wigs don’t warrant the same cheekiness as a website with the word sequin in it.

Time to talk to the non-winning queens. Willam didn’t really impress John Salley who said her wrestling was fake. Willam rethinks that whole tighter tuck. Dida thinks she’s channeling Carrie Bradshaw but Billy B jumps in to save the awkward silence by saying she was a better ring girl than wrestler. Rick Fox liked The Princess’ runway look but Billy B didn’t and Michelle gets her bitch on and tells Princess to try harder. Ru moves on to Jiggly who plays the coquette until Rick Fox tells her the lollipop was more interesting than anything else she did style-wise and her brain shut down because she still doesn’t process criticism. Ru gives her a chance to make excuses, and she blames the Princess for their team not winning and Michelle piles on. What magic does Jiggly have in person that I’m not seeing?

Real Housewife of RuPaul’s Drag Race

Phi Phi’s team. Billy thinks Phi Phi’s look reads too old, but Michelle throws her a lifeline that she was hilarious in the ring. John Salley liked LaShauwn’s runway look, but Billy B is still cranky and hated it while Rick Fox didn’t thinks she was memorable in the ring. Everyone loves everything about Kenya, and this week I don’t disagree so let’s find out about Latrice. They all love her, too, but Rick Fox especially loves her, calling her “Shaquille O’Neal Latrice.”

The queens are dismissed so the judges can get their bitch on. Michelle likes Willam but gets in a dig that she might be smarmy. Because Michelle’s always so sincere? John Salley thinks their weak link was The Princess, and no one disagrees. Dida is pretty, according to Billy B, but her wigs are tragic. Rick Fox pulls out the best read of the night when he says “She was going for Sex and the City but it was more like Sex and the Alley.” Point for one of the giants. Jiggly gets some love for giving it her all in the challenge until John Salley says he thought she was wearing a fat suit in the ring. Oops.

Big but not stupid.

Billy B isn’t fond of Phi Phi’s Sharpie’d make-up but, for some reason, Michelle is willing to let it slide unlike last season when shitty make-up seemed to be the only thing she critiqued. They have nothing good to say about LaShauwn and nothing bad to say about Kenya or Latrice, so I think it’s pretty obvious who’s in the bottom. But SILENCE! Bring back…the girls.

Latrice, Kenya and Phi Phi are called safe all at once. Jiggly’s called safe next but is told to bring more than Queens in the Hood. Will she listen? Probably not. Willam’s safe and she just books it off stage. Princess is already in the bottom two so it’s down to Dida and LaShauwn, but who are we kidding. They really didn’t like LaShauwn, so Dida and her Sally Down the Alley wigs gets to stay another week.

You know what else isn’t cute? Mouth-breathing.

Bad Girls starts and…what is this??!??! Before she even starts lip synching, LaShauwn just kicks off her heels, performing in her stockings. Ru’s disdain is palpable but she doesn’t halt the lip synch to go off on a Tyra “We were all rooting for you…” rant. But let me let Willam express it best: “To do the whole song with no shoes? In closed-toe pantyhose? Like a webbed-footed duck?” Indeed, Willam.

So, no surprise, LaShauwn sashays away, leaving Princess to chanté for another challenge. LaShauwn’s very young and still sounds very sleepy, but she’s also very sweet and mature about the situation, calling it bittersweet but realizing she has plenty of time ahead of her. Good luck, LaShauwn. Your laid back, clear-eyed attitude will serve you well.

I’ll miss your sleepy, 50-year-old church lady, voice.

Meanwhile, on Untucked…

We learn that Team Chad was full of nice people, but Chad might actually be an angel, Sharon may be “Beautiful, spooky and stupid,” but Aaron (Boy!Sharon) has a pretty soft heart, breast pads can double as tissues in a pinch, this season’s queens aren’t afraid of the dreaded “Who should go home?” question, no one likes Jiggly but they cover it up well, The Princess really is zen because she can make very direct, possibly insulting, statements sound supportive, Latrice is aggressively empathetic, Dida doesn’t take things personally, Jiggly refuses to get that her flaws are not everyone else’s fault, she also thinks that as long as she’s expressing her “honest” opinion she never needs to apologize for it, no matter how ignorant or odious that opinion is, she is also also physically incapable of accepting responsibility for being a cooze, and Phi Phi is an unlikely voice of reason.

So shut it, bitch.

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