Drag Race Recap: Glamazon on Amazon

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Phi Phi O’Hara projected her own insecurities and weaknesses onto Sharon Needles, Jiggly was an asshole, Madame LaQueer won the wrestling challenge with Chad Michaels and LaShauwn Beyond took her sleepy, charming, 50-year-old church lady voice and sashayed away.

Who dat?

The queens arrive at the workroom drunk off their asses. At least that’s how I interpreted their singing about “cheesecake” and saying “cluck, cluck, queens.” Then Latrice decides she’s at an Italian Baptist funeral and shrieks “My baby’s gooooone, my baby’s goooone.” Who says drinking before noon is bad for you? She exposits a cliché about how if you don’t mind your Ps and Qs you’ll be X-ed because someone had to. A few anvils drop as Princess talks about being in the bottom two and how awful it is, then utters those most damning of all words “I have to step it up.” Dun…DUNNNN. That’s like volunteering to make panna cotta for Restaurant Wars.

Sharon post-mortems that “The bitch could sew,” and it’s time for more anvils to fall bonding. Phi Phi asks The Princess who should have been in the bottom two instead of her and she says Jiggly, not because she thought Jiggly was the worst (given) but, and with Jiggly mouth-breathing right next to her, because Jiggly already tried to sell Princess out. Doesn’t even pretend just ‘Well, stank for stank, Jiggly.”

Time for SheMail. Ru rattles off a list of all the songs she’s already hawked on earlier seasons, then ends it with “…those are all available on iTunes.” *twinkle bling* And I don’t think Ru’s charisma gets enough credit because it takes a bold man to so effortlessly mock shameless plugging while shamelessly, and obviously, plugging yourself. Let everyone in on the joke and they don’t see the manipulation!

Twinkle, twinkle…bling!

Hello! Hello! Hello! And, oh my. It’s Ru and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Suit. That thing probably caused more seizures than Mary Hart’s voice. This week’s mini challenge involves one of Ru’s fans, Piyah Martell. She makes fan videos of herself lip synching to her idols and Ru finds her inspirational because despite having Caudal Regression Syndrome, she’s still putting herself out there and dreaming big. One of her dreams was to be a part of RuPaul’s Drag Race and she gets a bonus sedan chair ride by the Pit Crew. For real, though, I’d have been happy just having Jason and Shawn carry me around all day, forget being on the show. That’s work.

Piyah’s a better person than I, though, and talks about how if you dream and work hard you can make things happen. Chad’s overwhelmed, because he’s an empath. But enough of this sweetness, it’s time to get on with the mini challenge. Piyah has online fans that she calls “butterflies” and the queens will have to pair up to make headpieces out of every butterfly they could find at Vine American Party Store for Piyah to wear in her next video. But wait, you say. There are eleven queens? Yes, no one wanted to work with Jiggly (because work was involved) so she gets to choose which team she’ll work with. Damn, that’s harsh. Just put her in the automatic bottom two where she belongs.

Odd Jiggly out.

Luckily, she chose to work with the bitches the “pretty girls,” Kenya and Phi Phi. They have 20 minutes…and go. Snatch, snatch, grab, grab…and Jiggly and Phi Phi stand in back watching Kenya sneak into tiny crevices to steal butterflies from the adult-sized queens. Glue, glue, sparkle, sparkle and times up.

So let’s see what they made. Milan and Latrice are up first and…tragic. Milan hilariously explains that “the basis of making a headdress is that you can actually wear it” like he’s explaining the purpose of a TPS report, and then, even more hilariously, says they failed…when we can see their “headdress” sitting sadly next to the foam head while a strip of fabric sits flaccidly on top. Wah…waaaah.

Not meeting the project objective of being a hat.

Sharon and Madame made a church-going hat in fuchsia, Chad and Willam made a headband festooned with brightly colored butterflies as did Dida and the Princess and finally, the bitches, Phi Phi, Kenya and Jiggly, made a headband in every shade of pink they could find, with one big butterfly anchoring it. I thought it was a toss-up between any of the headbands, although I liked Dida’s and the Princess’s the best, but which one did Piyah pick:

Bitches!

And with that, Piyah’s off with the Pit Crew…whose briefs weren’t light-tested before they started shooting the episode because poor Shawn’s asscrack has to be blurred…over the briefs. Heh. Oops. On to the main challenge. Queens will separate into two teams and produce infomercials for Ru’s two most recent albums, Champion and Glamazon. Since the winning team had three queens…Phi Phi and Kenya are team captains and Jiggly gets thrown back into the pool to suffer more indignities join the other queens.

So, it’s a pick’em and a few things of note. Phi Phi chose Sharon with her first choice (curious)…and Jiggly and Madame were STILL the last two. For real, Madame won  the last challenge and she’s still the straggler. I get Jiggly because she’s sucks so bad she makes me cry, but Madame just won a challenge. She may be whiny and annoying, I don’t know, but a main challenge win is a main challenge win, which neither Phi Phi nor Kenya have, but of course, when bitches choose they choose bitchily, not strategically, so whatever.

Can you feel their love?

Madame LaQueer is left to Kenya’s team and…damn that’s a whole lot of bitch in such a tiny package. Fine, don’t slap her hand, but gesturing for Madame to go over to Phi Phi’s team? For real, Ren? That’s unnecessary. Even Phi Phi thinks so, and if Phi Phi thinks you’re being bitchy? Bitch, you too bitchy to live. Madame says she thinks it’s sad Kenya isn’t standing by the other Puerto Rican queen, but Kenya actually says “Puerto Rico feels bad that Madame’s not doing good work on RuPaul’s Drag Race,” and ESL or not, that’s some peyote-induced delusions because how in the what why?

Phi Phi is narrating the workroom and explaining all the steps going into this challenge, including costuming, choreography, scriptwriting, and being an asshole to Sharon. Oh wait. That’s just on Phi Phi’s to-do list. Everyone on her team (Latrice, Dida, Sharon and Jiggly) are being supportive and encouraging, but Phi Phi drama queens about how much work it is, because Phi Phi works best when coming from a place of adrenaline and bile. Phi Phi wants the team to paint as quickly as possible but when Dida says 30 minutes, Sharon chafes at that, giving Phi Phi the opening to be a cooze, telling Sharon to just put on some white powder and be gothic. Bitch. Sharon agrees, but is much nicer about it, saying she felt she was “on the team of the busted,” and “wanted to be on the team of the dusted,” and that’s the second time in two weeks “dusted” has been used, so do I have to learn a NEW word? Can someone help a bitch out?

I know, gurr. Thinking’s hard.

Over with Kenya’s team and we get some character development. While Kenya futilely tries to explain her ideas, which involve animals, Milan decides to project-manage and tells everyone their theme is 80s. Hrm. Milan explains that because of Kenya’s “language barrier” she decided to both “take control of the situation” and “help Kenya.” Those two things are usually mutually exclusive, Milan.

Especially in this challenge where Milan isn’t even letting Kenya get a word in edgewise. Princess and Willam interview about what a pushy little control freak Milan’s being, punctuated by a sassy side-eye from Willam, which, all it needed were some blue satin clad shoulder pads and a Lynda Evans wig and it would have been so Dynasty.

We used to call this Medusahead.

Hello, hello, hello! Time for Ru’s workroom visits. First up, Team Glamazon. Ru breezily asks Willam what song she’s selling. Click Clack, which leads the discussion to shoes and how Willam brought 34 pairs and she has a great pair of 80s shoes. Ru wonders if that’s their theme…and Milan answers yes, giving a project manager explanation that Ru cuts off to ask Kenya who’s leading the team. Milan, again, pipes up that they’re “sharing” responsibilities because of “the language barrier.” Kenya agrees in the work room but whines in her interviews, showing that she hasn’t learned the second cliché of reality TV, after not being there to make friends: Don’t say something behind someone’s back you wouldn’t say to her face. It’s called “being real,” Kenya. Learn it, live it, fake it…what?

After dropping a big anvil on The Princess, it’s time to drop in on Team Champion. Ru lubes up Phi Phi’s ego (makes slipping off the pedestal you built for yourself that much easier) by agreeing that she’s amazing then moving on to this season’s star Sharon Needles. Sharon’s selling Cover Girl and is pitching it to an alternative crowd who might think of it as “too dancey.” Ru takes faux offense, opening the door for Sharon to turn on the Tupperware Lady voice explaining that while it is “dancey” there are other elements to the song that can appeal to multiple audiences. Because she’s quality. Then Ru drops a tiny anvil on Dida that no one notices and calls the queens to gather ‘round to give her final “Don’t fuck it up” speech.

And Sharon was never heard from again.

Time to shoot the infomercials. Michelle’s there to help Ru direct the shoots, but first…

You’re welcome. Team Glamazon is first. Willam interviews that the challenge is daunting and Ru explains that they can use anything they find in the studio, including the Pit Crew, and I spy the cherry pie from the patriotic challenge from last season. Heh. Save where you can, so Ru can wear his Technicolor Dream Suits, because that’s the money shot. Chad’s adorable in the open but the Princess…is not. Willam takes a big sniff at Shawn’s shoulder to get ready then whips her hair. Then, in an awkward coincidence, Milan decides to pitch Ru’s songs by referencing Whitney Houston hits. And we wrap up with Kenya being “cute” and “spunky” and not at all an ethnic stereotype.

Wondering if Milan knows where she is.

Team Champion. Speaking of ethnic stereotypes, Phi Phi decided there wasn’t a single Mexican/chola stereotype she wasn’t going to exploit so she’s got a fat ass, big two-toned hair, thin eyebrows, heavily lined lips, too tight capris, a 40, a piñata AND a sombrero. All that was missing was a live chicken and a Virgin of Guadalupe candle. But Shangela’s not here to take umbrage so Michelle and Ru laugh, because it’s fun to laugh at assholes. Not to be outdone, Jiggly comes up with an Asian stereotype that even Mickey Rooney would have said was too much. Seriously, where is Shangela and her faux outrage? Luckily, Sharon and Dida have decided to step away from ethnic stereotypes and just focus on being “spooky” and a “Stepford Wife.”

Oh, this old thing…I wear this to go grocery shopping.

No one on either team, except, inexplicably Phi Phi, is shown getting any real, positive feedback, so it’s on to Elimination day where we get our first “morning with the queens segment” and learn that, duh, The Princess practices yoga. Then it’s on to the workroom.

Furthering their bonding from last episode, Sharon shares with Madame and Chad her concerns about her team, while Phi Phi projects her own insecurities on to Sharon, claiming Sharon’s scared because she doesn’t have immunity. No, Phi Phi, she’s worried that your team sucked because you’re a narrow-minded asshole. But that could just be my interpretation. Then Jiggly kisses Phi Phi’s ass telling her that Sharon’s concerned because she didn’t steal the show allowing Phi Phi to settle down for the afternoon way up her own ass yelling “Bitch I STOLE THE SHOW.” I’m sure she’s right. And with the bitchery out of the way, it’s time for the Runway!

She’s like a Christmas ham.

Not to be outdone by a Technicolor Dream Suit, Ru’s sporting a shimmery, glittery, hooded gown and blonde jelly roll hair. And looking amazing. Joining Ru this week is, of course, Michelle Visage because, clearly, radio leaves her a lot of free time, Santino, sporting an vaguely Hasidic look, and special guest judges Amber Riley and Natalie Cole, who is looking a good 20 years younger than…whatever age she is. I’m not going to out her.

Everyone always looks so happy to be there.  Must be the sparkly purple curtains.

Tonight’s runway theme is platinum and gold, which should be vague enough to produce a trainwreck or two, so gentlemen, start your engines and may the best woman, win!

MilanMichelle: Darcelle, her name was.

Chad MichaelsSantino: Jem and the Holograms

WillamRuPaul: I think I can see her Pink Cadillac.

SharonRuPaul: She’s serving Elviris, and it’s contagious.

Phi Phi O’HaraRuPaul: She’s serving Jiffy Pop after the show.

Madam LaQueerRuPaul: Space, the final LaQueer

The PrincessRuPaul: She stole my look! Who wore it better?

Jiggly CalienteMichelle: There’s an asteroid headed straight for Planet Ru.

Dida RitzRuPaul: What an impressive bumper she has.

Latrice RoyaleRuPaul: There’s gold in them thar hills.

Kenya MichaelsRuPaul: C3P-Ho

Okay, I hate to ever give Jiggly props, ever, because she sucks and it wasn’t that creative, anyway, but damn if she wasn’t right on Untucked about Madame LaQueer being the second coming of Stacy Layne Matthews.  Of course, Jiggly literally looked like a disco ball, so stones and glass houses, Jiggly.  As for the others, I liked Milan’s the best for “realness” because the wig and jumpsuit were totally Solid Gold, Chad for glam because that iridescent gown was gorgeous, and Sharon for being Sharon and wearing a crystal encrusted pompadour wig.

Time to view the infomercials. With the caveat that the videos are edited down for broadcast (at least I think they are) I liked Champion’s infomercial better. Partly because they had the better songs, but also because they weren’t locked into a random theme. The spots had more flow. I could have done without Phi Phi and Jiggly skirting up to the offensive line, because it can be done, but neither of them is John Leguizamo. So they can kiss my amber ass.

But it doesn’t matter which team did better because they’re being judged as individuals. Milan, Willam, Latrice, Jiggly and Phi Phi are called safe, and Phi Phi almost needs to go to the emergency room after she rolled her eyes so hard they practically fell out of her head. Gurr, accept it. You’re a mediocre bitch.

Guess which one isn’t mediocre?

So the top are Chad, Kenya and Sharon and the bottom are Madame LaQueer, Princess and Dida. Natalie and Sharon share a moment when Natalie admits to not getting the name at first and they bond over how it’s all in the past for both of them, and Chad gets props for being the consummate pro and a great actor. Michelle has to piss in the Cheerios a little and complain that Chad’s “too flawless” but other than that, it sounds like it’s down to the two of them for the win.

They move on to discussing the bottom two, and even though Ru prefaces it by saying it’s the “hard part” no one seems to have any difficulty discussing how and where each of the bottom girls failed. Especially Natalie, who shows she was born into entertainment by keeping it clinical, non-insulting and above board. She just thinks LaQueer’s not ready for prime time and the Princess isn’t dynamic enough. Amber’s also pretty thoughtful and insightful about the disconnect between Dida’s runway and Dida’s challenge performance, so thankfully Santino and Michelle were there to talk gibberish. With that settled it’s time to bring back…the girls.

Who won the challenge? Sharon, of course. Chad’s happy for her friend as Sharon also won some costume jewelry and the pleasure of knowing that Phi Phi could barely contain her contempt and rage at being in the middle while Sharon breezes to the top, again.

Beauty and the delusional beast.

Chad and Kenya are excused right away because this has been a long episode so no need to drag it out. Madame LaQueer is then called safe, so no suspense, it’s The Princess and Dida Ritz lip synching for their lives to one of my all time favorite songs, ever This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) which was, I think, Natalie’s first and still her greatest hit. Dida feels pressure to perform for her, and damn, if she didn’t turn it out.

Dida has a dazzling smile and it’s on full display as her performance builds with the song. By the end, the panel’s waving their handkerchiefs, Chad’s waving his hand, Latrice is bopping back and forth, Natalie’s yelling out cheers, Amber’s belting along and poor Princess only gets on camera when she passes behind Dida. So, obviously, Dida’s chanté-ing while The Princess is sashaying away.

So damn cute it hurts.

The Princess is melancholy about leaving, thinking, like they all do except LaShauwn (derp…love you, miss you), that it was too soon and the competition is missing something without her. And she, like LaShauwn, seemed a sweet and likable person, so I wish her well, but it’s time to get the hell out of here.

By-eee!

And what did we learn this week on Untucked? Phi Phi’s still a shady jerk, Milan can be a prickly control freak who doesn’t handle criticism very well, Willam’s unflappable, Jiggly has the self-awareness of a head of broccoli, Milan defends her friends when they’re not there to defend themselves, Jiggly never met an honest emotion she didn’t exaggerate to get more attention, Chad’s still an empath, Sharon could be a hostage negotiator if she set her mind to it, Kenya’s a child, Dida’s cute, The Princess was just a little too sensitive for the competition and Madame LaQueer may be Cristina.

So, until next week I leave you with Willam’s words of wisdom: Is the carpet comfortable?

                    
                    
                    

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