Drag Race Recap: Noooo!

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race: Kenya was back, Latrice had to make over the ghost of Rick James into a drag sister, Phi Phi was a terrible human being but won, anyway, because she stumbled into getting paired with a big old ham, and Kenya sashayed…away…again.

How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

Morning in the workroom and these bitches are tired. They can’t muster any chicken references or Jesus songs. They just walk over to the mirror to read Kenya’s parting words as Chad tells us it’s sad but they’re glad she didn’t knock any of the “Fantastic Four” out. She’s being kind since one of them is Phi Phi and I doubt anyone would cry watching the door hit her in her fat ass on the way out.

Speaking of, Phi Phi’s reading Kenya’s message in a caricature of Kenya’s voice. I might have been amused and hated myself for it. Luckily, Phi Phi secretes evil and stank and is already gloating about winning a trip to Vegas. Because the only thing people like more than a sore loser is a sore winner. But I do appreciate her consistency in never being likable for too long. Latrice jokes about how Phi Phi will be on vacation a lot (and sooner than she thought now that even her own home bar boos her…burn!) and Sharon clearly jokes about wanting to win a cruise, since Latrice is laughing and Chad’s doing her Cher impression, telling Sharon to “Shut up, stupid. You’re not gittin’ one.”

Phi Phi’s like a comet. Briefly likable once every 75 years.

Since too much good will and sunshine makes Phi Phi wither and die, she drops an anvil asks Latrice about being in the bottom two twice in a row. Latrice is soigné about it, saying that with so few left if you’re not at the top you’re in the bottom. This is really just to segue into dropping another anvil talking about how Chad’s been consistent throughout the competition and hasn’t had to lip synch for her life. Chad misses the anvil entirely and says that if all they can call her on is being perfect, then so be it. Sharon gets off a little dig saying it’s only because the judges don’t want her breaking a hip. Haha. Bitch.

Ooh, gurr. SheMail time. Ru thinks if life’s a ball, the queens should go fetch it, girl. Because it’s a drag eat drag world out there and sometimes a queen’s best friend can be a real bitch. Then in case the references weren’t obvious enough, Ru pants, barks and scratches “her fleas.”

There’s an ointment for that.

Hello, Hello, Hello…and Ru has come the closest he will ever get to conservatively dressed, sporting a charcoal gray windowpane check suit, blue gingham shirt and red and white rep tie. He’s here to introduce the mini challenge and it’s going to be a good, old-fashioned bitchfest…with puppets. Sharon bemusedly says “Everyone loves puppets,” and Ru agrees so first, the queens will pick a puppet representing one of the other queens, next they’ll drag the puppet up and finally queen will have a bitchfest with the puppet surrogate.

Ru has the queens pull their puppets one at a time. First up? Sharon. Ru tells her to stick her hand in the black hole then makes a vagina dentate joke and Sharon pulls Chad’s puppet. Latrice picks Sharon’s, Chad gets Phi Phi leaving Phi Phi with Latrice. Queens have 20 minutes to drag up their puppets so on your mark, get set…go!

Be careful. Larry Craig’s on the other side.

Queens run for the table, grab their stuff and get to work. Latrice has settled on “black, black and more black,” to represent Sharon. Okay. Meanwhile, over with Chad, she’s spray-painting her puppet with bronzer and Phi Phi “laughs it off.” Heh. Sharon’s cuts the nose off hers, burns the synthetic fleece around the mouth and nose, then paints it with pink lipstick. Heh…gross. Last minute glitter and primping and time’s up. Let the bitchfest begin.

Sharon has a conversation with the puppet and gets the Chad-as-Cher cadences down if not the voice. She hits on Michelle thinking Chad’s too perfect and then gets in a dig about the silicone work, with the puppet joking that getting silicone removed is as tough as getting a cigarette on set. It was cute and just profane enough to be very Sharon.

Latrice…is not necessarily the most observant person. She landed on doing the puppet up in all black then just made it spooky and cranky about wanting a cruise and telling her to fuck off. Sharon’s just confused because she doesn’t tell people to fuck off.

Man, rewatching Chad and you can see from the way she sets up the puppet she was loaded for bear. Seriously, this was a beautiful evisceration of Phi Phi, starting with the bronzer, and should put to rest whether or not we’re seeing a fair representation of her. (My guess is she was probably worse on set.) First, Chad fussily positions Puppet Phi Phi’s skirt. Then Puppet Phi Phi sing-songs about loving everyone until Chad comments about being worried she’ll catch her costumes on Phi Phi’s snaggletooth which brings out the she-beast in Puppet Phi Phi. Then Chad compliments Puppet Phi Phi on her pretty wig…that she’s worn three times already, but maybe the help can help her out. This prompts Puppet Phi Phi to get frustrated that everyone thought the joke was offensive, so Chad agrees with Puppet Phi Phi…ending with Chad telling Puppet Phi Phi she’s sure America will just love her. Dayum. That was fantastic. Even Latrice is a little surprised at the depths of Chad’s shade.

It’s almost unfair to have Phi Phi follow Chad. She made her puppet fat and gave it an afro. Then she sings a song that just mocks Latrice for being fat but makes a decent joke when she has Puppet Latrice say she’s “the Barry White of drag,” which I’ll just assume is what Latrice says because I can’t imagine a bimbo like Phi Phi knows who Barry White is. Then Phi Phi compliments Puppet Latrice on her pretty necklace but as the Puppet explains that LaShauwn made it, Phi Phi cuts the necklace so the beads fall all over. Cute, and could have been funnier if Phi Phi hadn’t pulled attention from the joke about the beads to her own reaction.

So who won? Is it even a question? Chad was so spot-on in cutting down Phi Phi that the other three should have just given up their time so Chad could continue shit-talking Phi Phi through her puppet. I know I would have watched. But Chad’s cute when she jumps around with her puppet saying “Phi Phi, we won!” And I’ll just assume that was another dig at what a sore winner Phi Phi is.

Even in puppet form Phi Phi’s shooting her mouth off.

With the mini challenge out of the way, it’s time for Ru to introduce the main challenge. It’s the annual Drag Ball. The theme is Bitch Ball and Ru says this year they’ll be “doing it doggy style.” But she means real dogs. First category is “Daytime Dog Park” realness, second category is “Pooch in a Purse” party girl, third category is “Canine Couture,” a high fashion look that is supposed to be inspired by a real dog.

Pit crew comes in with the dogs and they are: Phelan the Chinese Crested, Callie the Standard Poodle, Babyface the Pomeranian and Hunter the Bloodhound. As the mini challenge winner Chad gets to assign the dogs and announces she’s taking an “opposites attract” approach and gives Hunter to Phi Phi, who is already vibrating with rage even before Chad walks the dog over. Then she whines about it in an interview. Because she sucks. Chad gives the Pomeranian to Latrice, the Poodle to Sharon and keeps the Chinese Crested for herself.

Pooches and beefcake.

Queens can use their own drag plus stuff for the dog as well as “RuPaul’s Drag Race Iron Fist Shoes” because Ru’s got to make that coin. Hunter takes a moment to bond with/show dominance over Phi Phi, so gentlemen start your engines and may the best…bitch…win!

As Sharon learns that she got one of the smarter breeds and Latrice realizes she’s Babyface’s bitch Chad informs us via interview that Hunter’s a handful. But Cesar Millan would have Phi Phi know it’s because she’s not showing Hunter a calm assertive demeanor. More like vibrating stank. As we watch Hunter push Phi Phi around and try to mount her Sharon obviouses in a talking head that the dog took a liking to Phi Phi.

Then Phi Phi whines that he’s the worst dog in the bunch because who wants to be inspired by a Bloodhound. Well, if she’d just pull her head out of her pissed off and bitchy ass she’d see that Hunter a) has beautiful coloring and b) Bloodhounds are strong and athletic so just make something minimal and sleek in a brown ombre. But that would require not martyring herself.

Bloodhounds are a noble breed.

Since Phi Phi didn’t get her way, she’s in a piss poor mood and sucks everyone into her vortex. Chad wants to know if she’s angry and Phi Phi seethes “Why should she be angry?” because it’s a competition. Sharon tries to talk her down/wind her up by saying Phi Phi’s the only one who sees it that way (Really, I couldn’t tell what she was doing there.) so Phi Phi can snap that she didn’t ask for Sharon’s opinion.

Chad tries one more time to mitigate Phi Phi’s wobble by saying she wasn’t trying to fuck Phi Phi over but Phi Phi snits in interview that Chad did it because she sees Phi Phi as competition. No, bitch. She just doesn’t like you. Besides, who was it that crowed about getting Kenya to assign the DILFs so that she’d get who she wanted while the others would get screwed? Oh, that’s right. It was Phi Phi . Chad tells Phi Phi not to be mad as Phi Phi storms off telling Chad to shut up. How does someone develop so much awful in so little time? Seriously, when I was 25 I was too busy getting drunk and stupid to be that angry all the time. And I’m a cranky bitch.

I am a terrible human being.

Back from break and Latrice is asking Babyface to help her get inspired and letting the dog pick the fabric by walking all over the worktable. Cesar Millan is shaking his head somewhere in the Valley. Then Chad recaps the challenge for us while we see both Hunter and Callie sitting quietly and Chad making Phelan do tricks.

Phi Phi is off…somewhere… and the other three have a joke about Babyface’s yipping being Willam dropping names. Then, again, talk circles back to how Phi Phi is pissed to get the Bloodhound but too damn bad. Seriously, how much of an energy drain is Phi Phi that Chad is still feeling guilty because Phi Phi’s a pissy little brat? Let her stew and don’t show her any attention. That would be the worst for a vortex like Phi Phi.

Anyway, bitch comes back into the room and interviews that she’s still going to win the challenge despite being so horribly handicapped while Hunter sits there like the good doggie he is. Sharon comes over to Callie to see how a frizzy white wig looks next to her and…Hunter just sniffs around because he’s lonely. Latrice thinks it will be so different to see Sharon in white but Sharon doesn’t think you normally see “Dark Ladies” in the park during the daytime so it will be a challenge. And despite getting a dog that is probably the opposite of who Sharon is, she ain’t complaining.

You are too bitchy to be my bitch, bitch.

Hello, Hello, Hello! It’s time for Ru’s workroom visits. First up? Latrice. Ru brings up that in the past the judges…Santino…have given her flak about her styling and fashion sense. Is she worried? Latrice says no because in the past she’s gotten raves for outfits she’s sewn herself. But didn’t she say LaShauwn makes her costumes? Just saying.

Twins

Then Ru gives Latrice a little push/pep talk saying that she’s in the final four and there is no room for excuses or mistakes because there is $100K on the line. Latrice knows and is excited because her life had been so unstable for so long that this would help put her where she belongs. Then Ru drops an anvil that the judges want to see a story in the three looks. Then Ru says goodbye to Babyface who just ignores him and Ru is not amused. Well, maybe a little.

Ru walks up as Chad’s nuzzling Phelan, and all these dogs are really sweet and well behaved, PHI PHI. Ru brings up to Chad that some judges…Michelle…have complained that she’s too polished. Ru wants to know what Chad thinks of that critique but Chad admits to being confused because she didn’t come to the competition not to be perfect. Ru tries to guide Chad by saying he thinks Michelle wants to see more depth from Chad.

She’s a tramp…but Chad loves her.

Then Ru asks about Chad’s “daytime realness” look. Chad utters the most frightening words to anyone with any sense of style: “it will be almost a little bit Little House on the Prairie.” Ru’s unamused look and the whooshing on the soundtrack indicate this might not be a good idea. Ru doesn’t think it sounds modern (ya think?) and that they want the look to be “fashion forward.” Chad thinks it will work really well and realizing there’s only so much Ru can say to dissuade someone from a bad idea, Ru says Chad and Phelan have a lot of work to do and moves on to Sharon.

Callie the Poodle is bored out of her mind, but then again she’s French, so Ru jumps right in asking what Sharon plans to do for her Canine Couture look. Sharon wants to do a body suit with a furry, white bolero. Ru damns her with faint praise by saying that sounds…interesting. Dun…DUNNN! Kiss of death. Sharon doesn’t seem to pick up on that, though.

Oh, mon dieu. Où sont mes Gauloises?

Instead, she tells Ru she’s considering being golden tan on the runway and jokes that she’s running out of pale foundation. While Phi Phi sits with Latrice and makes a bitchface, just ‘cause, Ru asks if Sharon’s transforming into someone they don’t know. Sharon says she’ll see and Ru says, with not a small amount of concern, “That’s interesting to hear,” but moves on to Phi Phi. Hmmm.

Ru asks about Hunter and how they’re getting along and, like with everything else in Phi Phi’s life, their issues were all the dog’s fault but he’s calmed down, now. Hunter, for his part, is just panting, drooling and plotting how and when to pee on the runway for optimal embarrassment. As with Sharon, Ru doesn’t bring up any past criticisms with Phi Phi and just wants to know about her daytime realness look. Despite having a bloodhound, Phi Phi wants to bring “Paris” to the runway by wearing a poodle skirt.

Ru considers how to delicately tell Phi Phi she’s a dumbass because a) Poodle skirts are “50s” not “Paris” and b) HER DOG IS A BLOODHOUND. Phi Phi powers on saying she’s planning on blending those two styles (Poodle skirt and…Poodle skirt?) and Ru reminds her that they don’t really want to hear explanations about the costumes.

How do I tell her that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard?

Time to gather the queens around and tell them who the guest judges are. Film and TV bitch Rose McGowan and C&W superstar Wynonna Judd. Chad says she’s excited about Wynonna because she’s a big Judd fan and Wynonna’s a “rock & roll chick” (really?) but wait. Ru’s not done…there’s just one more little thing. Dramatic music shows a close up of Sharon, Phi Phi, Latrice with Chad…and Babyface, in her Purcedes. HAHAHAHAHA Anyway, the queens will have to perform a Broadway-style opening number and since Chad won the mini challenge, she’s in charge. Chad’s all FML so Ru reminds them to not fuck it up and Sharon dramatically throws herself on the floor. Heh.

Haha. RuPaul’s a bitch.

Back from break and it’s time to rehearse. Chad is coming up with ideas and Sharon is throwing out counterpoints and other ideas but Phi Phi is seething with barely contained rage for no reason whatsoever and snapping at Chad to just make decisions. Phi Phi decides her hack showgirl experience trumps Chad’s and she just takes over in as rude and obnoxious a way as possible telling Chad how it’s going to be “or else it will look like crap.” Why is she so awful?

Phi Phi interviews that she “just wasn’t having it” because she had a lot of work to do and wanted the rehearsal to get done quickly. She’s completely steamrolled Chad at this point who interviews that Phi Phi needs to calm her tits and let Chad get a word in edgewise. Chad tries to take control back from Phi Phi who argues every, little point and look…I think I found Phi Phi’s theme song. (Is likely to be offensive to nearly everyone.) Latrice is over all the bullshit and just wants to get it done while Phi Phi acts like an obnoxious seventh grader too cool and bored to be assed to do a good job and rehearsal ends with Chad asking if everyone feels good about it and no one answering except for Phi Phi to roll her eyes…again.

No Phi Phis

End of the day and Chad’s tasked with reminding us how much work everyone has to do as the other queens scramble or take a moment to pet their dogs and the humpty dumpty music suggests that someone’s going to be bitchy. Oh look, Phi Phi steps into the breach to talk about how she’s looking forward to “whupping” Chad’s ass on the runway, so Latrice comments, politely, that Phi Phi’s “hungry.” Phi Phi takes this as a compliment and wonders what makes her “more hungry” than the others so Latrice flat-out tells her she’s too bitchy for her own good because they “feel her pushing them down the stairs,” and Phi Phi thinks this is the only way to be because it’s a competition and that the others are concerned because she’s there to win it. Gah. She’s so awful she brings the others down with her.

Then Phi Phi remembers she has to put up a good act so she can convince herself she’s not a bilious little troll and says “I love everyone,” but no one’s buying her act anymore. Not that she won’t keep trying to sell it because it’s really to convince herself. Really, though, this was just a set up to show how supportive Sharon is of everyone. She tells Chad her cape is “Diva” and “Fantastic” she tells Phi Phi her brown dress is “gorgeous” and Werk! Werk! to everyone.

I can’t help but look like Little Susie Sunshine next to Phi Phi.

But, oops. All this being supportive of her sisters has put Sharon behind and she still has to sew a complete outfit because her original concept to make a furry bolero fell through when she realized she didn’t know how to sew a bolero. You’d think Sharon would have known that before she decided to make one, but let’s go with her. She redirects her attention to making furry, thigh-high boots. It looks cool and she asks Phi Phi’s opinion to which, sweetness and light Phi Phi says “It’s definitely a Poodle,” then snorts in interview that Sharon wasted her time gluing fur to the boots. Why is she always the go-to interview when she sucks so bad she makes me cry?

Sharon’s trying to sew her outfit and asks Phi Phi for some help. Editing hates Phi Phi as much as the rest of us do and suggest that she just walks off so Sharon asks Chad how to sew a hem. She’s at a loss because the sewing machine is not being cooperative. She’s exhausted and Latrice drops an anvil thinks top 4 is Sharon’s last stop.

Morning at the hotel and as Chad energetically turns off her alarm and Sharon and Phi Phi shave, Latrice looks like this:

Gurr, I feel ya. The queens head to the workroom. Latrice recaps the challenge for us and reminds us that the stakes are high because it’s final three after this. Chad and Sharon are not feeling particularly confident but, in fairness, they never seem confident. Sharon ask Chad if she remembers how psychic Sharon was at the beginning and Chad says Sharon was able to predict the sitcom and mugshot challenges before they were announced and Sharon’s proud of herself saying she told them she was a witch.

This leads Latrice to ask who Sharon sees in the final three and Sharon says Latrice, Chad…and Phi Phi. Sharon jokes that she’s just pulling in the energy around her but admits in interview that this is the most worried she’s been but she wants to be in the top three. And in other news, the sky is blue and Phi Phi is stank.

Punk Rock Ru

Runway time and Ru’s made the bold choice to wear black latex roses and dreadlocks. And yet still manages to look more like a natural woman than Michelle Visage, or special guest judges Rose McGowan and Wynonna Judd. Equality at last! And Santino’s there because they needed a fifth.

Rose McGowan: The only woman who could make Wynonna Judd look subtle.

Wynonna makes a joke (I think) about liking it rrrrrrough, so Ru decides to play it safe and do a Scooby Rrruuu? and tells the panel that this week’s challenge asked the queens to create three doggie-inspired looks for the Bitch Ball so gentlemen, start your engines and may the best woman…win!

The song is full of dirty double entendres and vaudeville jokes because, at heart, Ru really is old-time show biz, but the song is very Little Shop of Horrors and pre-recorded so the queens just have to do the dance. Everyone’s costume is cute and puppyish and despite the tension it comes off well.

So let the Bitch Ball, begin:

Latrice RoyaleRuPaul: Look at that furry muff.

Phi Phi O’HaraWynonna: Can I borrow that wig?

Sharon NeedlesRuPaul: Her Poodle’s on fire.

Chad MichaelRuPaul: Very Kardashian.

Just looking at all of them a) Phi Phi never wears blonde wig. But b) Sharon was clearly the winner because even the Hail Mary pass of making those boots worked out perfectly because, as she pointed out, Callie ended up being as tall as the boots and c) Latrice is a charismatic person but not the most creative one. I thought she was the clear loser on the runway but it was a toss up to me about who would be lip synching with her. Phi Phi and Chad both had strong and weak looks but Chad at least tacked more toward the “realness” aspect of the challenge (which led to virtually no quotable comments from the judges which…yikes) where Phi Phi looked like a clown in her “party” dress and her daytime outfit, while cute was both a rip-off of Kenya’s Nicki Minaj look and not particularly real. But what did the judges think?

First up, Latrice Royale. Rose loves the whole Mahogany thing Latrice is working and that she’s working a lot of sass and class. Ru adds “and ass” but Wynonna, who’s probably drunk, says “Some men like meat with their potatoes,” and HA. So it’s up to Santino and Michelle to crap all over Latrice, telling her the daytime look was too much and her couture wasn’t enough.

I’m smiling. Don’t hurt me.

Next, Phi Phi. Wynonna gets in a dig at what a prissy pain in the ass Naomi was then brings it around to how Phi Phi’s look was polished from head-to-toe and Michelle loved her in the musical number but thought her daytime realness wasn’t real at all. Rose says, while not moving a single muscle on her face, that she’s not interested in “real” and would rather see someone like Phi Phi at her dog park than someone in sweats and tennis shoes. And I Iike seeing people’s faces move when they talk. Michelle tries to bond with Wynonna saying that Rose would hate to see them at the dog park but Wynonna barks (haha, she scares me) that she doesn’t walk her dogs, she has people do that for her. They think that’s a joke and laugh.

On to Chad Michaels. Rose thought she was off on the lip synch, Michelle called her Canine Couture old lady and Wynonna actually tries to be nice, telling her the outfit was “less diva-ish.” And I can see what they’re saying but I didn’t think she was that bad considering they loved Phi Phi.

Whatever, let’s talk to the winner Sharon. Santino’s in love and says she looks like she stepped out of an Italian Vogue editorial which throws Sharon in a good way and assumes she made the boots. Rose loves it, too, but makes an analogy too tortured to transcribe. She also thinks Callie worked the boots as hard as Sharon did. And Michelle saves the best for last telling Sharon it was nice to see her be a “real” blonde and not go spooky or zombie and that she “continues to inspire.” As editing suggests that Phi Phi and Latrice share a bitchy side-eye (don’t be dragging Latrice down into Phi Phi’s mud) Sharon geeks out from the compliment.

Yes, I know I’m awesome.

But before Ru excuses the queens to the Interior Illusions Lounge, she wants to rile them up by asking each one who shouldn’t make the top three…starting with Sharon. Sharon says Phi Phi because she’s cut throat and Sharon thinks to be America’s Next Drag Superstar you need to be a “sweetheart.” Sharon starts to explain how Phi Phi has been a complete and utter cooze during the competition, and to prove it, Phi Phi cuts her off and calls Sharon a liar. Sharon tries to defend herself but Ru moves on to ask Phi Phi what she thinks.

Phi Phi says Sharon doesn’t deserve to be in the top 3 and continues the BS she started when she cut off Sharon. Then she fake-cries that if she’s “cut throat” it’s because she’s an asshole a fierce competitor. Where’s a tranq gun when you need it? Chad says she doesn’t think Phi Phi should make the top three and keeps it to she has a lot of maturing to do, but also obliquely gets into Phi Phi’s “competitiveness.” Latrice says Sharon because she’s messier than the other queens, but Latrice throws a little shade saying if she were to come on the runway like that her ass would be handed to her. Hmm. Interesting.

Sharon, Sharon, Sharon…

In private, Michelle found Latrice’s overall presentation lacking while Rose points out that Latrice’s own hemline was unfinished so she wasn’t really in any place to criticize Sharon. Michelle had counted out Phi Phi but when Willam saved her ass by getting DQ’d she’s turned it around, and then Ru wants to know about Sharon’s critique about Phi Phi’s “ambition.” They all say it’s no skin off their nose because they don’t have to live with her. Rose thinks Chad’s elegant, Wynonna thought the clothes didn’t live up to how beautiful Chad is and Michelle felt, for the first time, that Chad was just “Meh.” Michelle is really happy with Sharon turning it out and Santino’s still in love with those boots but Rose has to bring the room down by saying it’s hard to choose between Sharon and Phi Phi. Really? Did Phi Phi pass out blunts to the judges beforehand and that’s why they’re up her ass? Whatever, SILENCE! Bring back…the girls.

Awww…

So despite the red herring of Rose saying it was a toss-up between Phi Phi and Sharon, it really wasn’t. Sharon won the challenge, but she still doesn’t get a cruise. She won body jewelry which I’m sure will come in handy when she’s dressed like Peg Bundy or Freddie Kruger. But it really is pretty and Callie barks her approval and Sharon interviews that the win is awesome because she never thought she’d make the top three.

So happy her head exploded.

Chad is told she’s in the bottom two. Phelan whimpers her support and Chad says she’s ready to fight for her place in the competition. Phi Phi is called safe and Hunter is raised from his stupor to howl at the injustice of Phi Phi making the top three while Latrice or Chad has to leave. I feel ya, gurr. So Latrice is told she’s in the bottom two and Babyface just doesn’t get it. But Latrice is ready to do it.

Lip synch song is No One Else on Earth by Wynonna Judd and I like country music just fine, but mid-tempo, contemporary country is the death knell of lip synching for a drag queen. At least the Pam Tillis song had a West Coast Swing beat so there was something to grab on to but this? Even Wy agrees.

See?

And the lip synch pretty much goes as expected. Latrice was completely lost as to how to make a relatively upbeat, mid-tempo song work in her style. To use Jiggly’s phrase, she became a Pointer Sister and stayed pretty much in one spot, while Chad worked every inch of the stage and gave a fuller performance. Sharon interviews that she didn’t think Latrice really synched up with the song, either, but both queens are professionals so the panel loved it.

Phi Phi looks like a golem in the background.

But Ru’s made her decision. Chad’s gets to chanté and unfortunately for EVERYONE Latrice is asked to sashay away. Latrice is emotional and her eyes are welling up but she takes the moment to tell Ru, and I’ll transcribe it word for word,

“You have changed my life, forever. You have changed the world of drag, forever. I love you and respect you so much and thank you for seeing something special in me. Thank you.

NOOOOOOO!!!

Everyone’s teary-eyed as Latrice walks off the stage and the other queens come to hug her goodbye. Then she leaves as she came in, telling us that she’s large and in charge, chunky yet funky. She the bold and beautiful La-TRICE Royale. Then the rest of the queens sing her off trilling La-TRIIIIICE.

Then she finally signs off backstage telling everyone to dream and dream big and no matter what your circumstances are, just be the best you can be. You will be missed, Latrice.

And what did we learn on Untucked? Phi Phi’s from hell. Seriously and maybe literally. Sharon allows her insecurities to get the better of her sometimes, but Phi Phi really is a terrible person. Maybe even worse than we’ve seen because Chad wants nothing to do with her and has lived up to that promise since Phi Phi’s the only person in the top six who hasn’t been invited to perform in Chad’s Dreamgirls revue. And Phi Phi shows a heretofore unseen talent to simultaneously go on the attack while playing the martyr. That’s skill right there. Oh, and Phi Phi may or may not have been such a screaming hag, ignoring Ru’s attempts to curb the argument and leaving Dita Von Teese just sitting in the Gold Bar because it was so very important to her to shriek like a harpy because Sharon was tarnishing her name. Yet this behavior was polishing it back up. But it all ends well with the doggies being cute:

Well, sorta cute.  Still bitches.

No recap next week because it’s the clip show then we’re at the finale! It kind of flew by. To entertain you during the interim, here’s the Glamazon video, and if you’re interested in giving Latrice, or Chad, or Sharon, or whomever, even Phi Phi (gag) an extra $10K, vote for Miss Congeniality here.

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