Drag Race Recap: RuPaul 2012

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race: Phi Phi was insufferable, delusional and highly strung when Lucian didn’t agree that she’s a pretty princess, Willam, and Latrice, kicked ass and won the Frenemies challenge, Sharon and Phi Phi had to lip synch for their lives but in a sad twist of fate, Phi Phi’s sorry ass gets saved to bug another day when Willam gets canned for “breaking the rules, breaking the rules.”

I hope you can live with phorcing Phi Phi on us.

It’s the morning after Willam’s DQ and the queens are all satisfied with themselves, not the least of which is Phi Phi who might want to eat some of that humble pie they kept trying to foist on Willam (but he’s counting calories) because her ass was going home otherwise. Speaking of ass, the queens wander over to the mirror and wonder what the hell that smudge is, until they read Willam’s parting message and realize it’s his ass print. Heh. Sharon, who you’d think wouldn’t be such a pearl clutcher, goes all church lady and is offended by Willam’s wanton disrespect and says “She showed she was an ass.” Who knew the resident weirdo was so judgmental? Latrice takes a moment to remind us Willam killed a litter of puppies broke the rules.

This leads into all the queens except Chad throwing glitter and singing “Goodbye shady bearded lady,” and Phi Phi O’Phool doing glitter angels on the floor. Why didn’t someone just stomp on her like the roach she is? Of course, she doesn’t clean the mirror so Sharon takes a moment to admit she’s kind of envious of Willam because getting DQ’d is punk rock to Sharon. Now it’s Chad’s turn to cluck in judgment of Willam driving a bus of pre-schoolers off a cliff being disqualified, saying that it was a walk of shame, and seriously, you’d think a bunch of guys in latex tits and wigs would appreciate a person who breaks a rule or two.

They’re not done! Sharon and Phi Phi decide to reenact Willam vomiting and getting the boot. While Phi Phi pretends to barf glitter, Sharon pretends to be RuPaul telling them they’re both safe, and firing a quick one across Phi Phi’s bow “joking” that Sharon was better but they’re both safe because Willam was DQ’d. Hee hee. They may be taking the piss out of Willam but that doesn’t mean Sharon can’t take a moment to take the piss out of Phi Phi, too. That girl’s a real multitasker.

Phi Phi, you suck. What? Ru said it not me.

With all their metaphoric grave stomping done, it’s time for SheMail. Ru calls all teabaggers and tells them that according to a “Stripper Poll,” America’s next drag superstar needs to pull herself up by her bra straps and be the life of every party because no one likes an empty box. Hahaha. Sex puns are always funny. Especially when a group of angry, naïve people have no idea what they inadvertently called themselves.

Hello, Hello, Hello! Ru’s here in a tasteful, gray business suit, turquoise shirt and patriotic neckerchief. Since a queen has to stand for something or she’ll fall for anything, this week’s mini challenge sees the queens decorating a pair of platforms based upon their assigned Absolut cocktails. Okay. Jeffrey Moran’s here to brighten our days with his sunshiny personality. He informs us, in the most monotonous monotone ever that at Absolut they’ve been celebrating the gay community for over 30 years which means they’ve thrown some great parties. And with him as their ambassador, who would argue. Luckily, Jason and Shawn are wearing their sparkly briefs to keep our attention focused.

Gratuitous Pit Crew beefcake.

Jason hands out the cocktails as so: Dida gets the Absolut Collins, Latrice gets Absolut Punch, Phi Phi gets the Absolut Gräpevine, complete with Tÿ-Böre’s extraneous umlaut, Sharon gets Jessica Wild’s favorite drink the Absolut Berri Sour and Chad gets the Absolut Greyhound.

The queens get down to decorating their platforms with their designated materials and first Chad points out that Phi Phi “got the good stuff” then says that something’s not sticking and Phi Phi further endears herself to the audience by calling Chad “Jiggly” and telling her to quit complaining. Then Chad tosses it over to Sharon who gets a little sassy with Chad until she informs us, in interview, that she had “all the accessories [she] needed to convey the plight of the American Indian,” although she wishes she had some poker chips. Heh. Some more glitter and glue and time is up.

First up, Dida. She says she was inspired by the Victorian Age and Marie Antoinette but I won’t explain that Marie Antoinette was long dead before Queen Victoria was born and the French Revolution didn’t take place in 19^th century Britain because Dida’s a drag queen not an historian. And I liked her shoes. Dida says Marie Antoinette was a “big shopper” and would like her shoes. Ru adds that if she were a stripper…and Dida is confident that if she were a stripper she’d totally wear those shoes. Dida may not be the brightest bulb in the pack, but she’s cute.

Next we have Latrice’s shoes, and she’s not even going to front about any historical/cultural influences. She was inspired by nightclubs and that while everyone’s getting sloppy drunk, you might see a girl hanging from the ceiling wearing her shoes. Interesting selling point, Latrice.

Phi Phi takes a moment to ass-kiss about how she’s designing for Iron Fist shoes then plops her Technicolor abomination on the plinth. She claims the shoes are about exotic vacations, prompting one of Sharon’s better WTF? expressions, but I prefer Pandora’s description better so I’ll just let it stand in the minicap because those shoes are ugly.

Sharon was inspired by Red Rock so she gave us “Navajo realness” with faux-fur straps and a little, tiny Saguaro in the platform. Heh. Ru and Latrice are amused by the shoes, Jeffrey Moran has acid reflux and Phi Phi gets a moment to bitch about how they were supposed to design a shoe, not just glue some fur. Because gluing plastic fruit and feathers required so much more effort. Hack.

Finally, Chad. And that was the best shot of her shoes so they kind of telegraphed her results.  Anyway, they’re for the girl on New Year’s Eve who brings the Greyhound with her “in the foot” and Ru’s all “the hell?” Chad explains that the grapefruit juice is in the platform because the girl wearing these shoes doesn’t want to get scurvy. Athlete’s hoof and mouth disease, though, is just aces. Yeah, Chad’s not winning this.

But who is? Despite looking like the worst blacklight poster, ever, Phi Phi wins the challenge. She minces and preens and Ru congratulates her but what does she actually win? What advantage in the main challenge will she have? NOTHING! Ha! Because Ru is moving on to explain the next challenge. In this election year RuPaul is announcing the Presidential candidacies of all the queens. They’ll be participating in a “Frock the Vote” Presidential debate, so gentlemen start your engines and may the best woman, win!

Yankee Doodle Ru-dy

This is another one of those convoluted weeks. Things are tenuously tied together by the word “platform” and while the idea of a debate is funny will the reality be as funny? That’s for later, now is the time for the queens to studiously write on brightly-colored sheets of paper while Phi Phi middle manages about how there’s a lot to this challenge, like writing an opening statement, a closing statement a slogan and “get in drag.” Because, I guess, that’s not part of EVERY challenge.

Flugelhorns of amusement toot as Chad combs a pink Afro-puff wig. Sharon giggles and thinks Chad’s goofing around, but she’s serious about wearing it for the challenge and explains in interview that she wants to take a risk and do an untraditional character. What does Phi Phi think? She thinks it’s ridiculous to pull “that piece of crap” out for a Presidential debate (remember this for later) but Chad’s happy with doing a lady pimp.

Afropuff Girl

Back from break and it’s Sharon’s turn to recap the challenge as Phi Phi informs us it’s like they’re back in school. Flugelhorns of Shut the Phuck Up, Phi Phi sound as Phi Phi pulls a Tyra Sanchez and is loud and obnoxious for no good reason other than she’s a pain in the ass. She’s humming and trilling and belching but Tati’s not here to tell her to shut up so she continues in the background as Dida struggles because politics isn’t really her thing and Latrice agrees.

Phi Phi decides it’s time to drop that anvil and announce she’s done so she can fluff her Wham! hair while wearing her Ducky hat and Facts of Life glasses. Seriously, that look was stupid the first time around. Chad’s impressed that Phi Phi finished so early but not as much as Phi Phi. She duhs in interview that she likes to argue and casually asks the room if they took debate classes in school, casually dropping that she did and wanted to be a lawyer. Wait, I thought growing up was such hell for her that she had to bark and scream at Jiggly about it?

Latrice looks at Phi Phi like she’s a Palmetto bug and says “That’s why you’re so confrontational.” Phi Phi says she just has to be right even when she’s wrong but Phi Phi doesn’t think she’s ever wrong. Latrice realizes it’s never a good idea to argue with a Chihuahua so she asks Sharon if she’s already working on the questions, giving Sharon the opening to fire another salvo at Phi Phi by joking about how she took debate for seven years and is a lawyer, so hop to it, Latrice.

That hair, hat, deep v, and those glasses negate your argument.

Hello, Hello, Hello! Ru’s here for his workroom visits and he’s brought Dan Savage with him, who’s still riding that whole “redefine Santorum” wave six years later. He’s there to help the queens prep for the debate and serve up some political realness, or as I like to say “suck the humor out of the room.” (Full disclosure: I’m not the biggest Dan Savage fan, but I won’t bore you with the details in a recap.)

First up, Latrice. Her slogan is “Everyone Needs a Piece of Latrice,” but Dan thinks “Peace with Latrice” is better. Has he watched the show? Ru likes it, though, and asks what Latrice’s platform is. She says she wants to increase funding for HIV+ patients on disability so Dan asks what she’s willing to cut for the additional funding then suggests the wars. Latrice agrees in person but interviews that politics is not easy and Ru drops an anvil that she not be vague in expressing her ideas. Break a lash!

Lighten up. They’re dudes. In wigs.

On to Phi Phi. She says her slogan is “You Can Always Ki-Ki with Your Girl Phi Phi,” but Dan clearly reads tumblr and is confused by the phrase, assuming Phi Phi’s offering to bone America. Ru chuckles and Phi Phi explains the difference with kai kai, and that she just means to gossip. She thinks it’s easy to remember because it rhymes with her name but Dan says it’s also easy to misunderstand so she might want alternates. Phi Phi has a visible full-body clench and is wondering if she has enough time to sneak out of the hotel before curfew to buy a voodoo doll of Dan.

Ru moves it along to ask what her platform is and she says “Make America Pretty,” and plans to build warehouses where drag queens can design “human hair” wigs. Dan thinks Phi Phi’s a moron, but calls it socialism for drag queens because the government will give you your wig. Phi Phi, who clearly learned nothing in her debate classes just agrees saying she’ll be the drag President and Ru leaves with the advice that she make her pitch to all Americans.

Dida Ritz. She’s cute. Not very bright and doesn’t understand that performers/artists aren’t paid by the government but she’s cute. Ru wonders if she votes and she does, but talking about politics is difficult for her because it’s personal and can get ugly. Then Dan gets up on a soapbox about why it’s important to speak out because politicians will demonize sexual minorities and poor Dida feels like he just read her.

But your skin looks flawless.

Moving on to Chad Michaels. Ru asks what she has planned for her campaign and Chad says she’s going with a crazy lady, Ladypimp Michael, and is running on the platform of more rhythm and funk lessons in grade schools. But that doesn’t jibe with the whole Debbie Downer approach to this challenge, so Dan wants to know if she plans to address any serious issues. Nope, she just wants to have fun. Ru recommends making sure the constituency can relate and Dan gets in a jab that it will be difficult with her planned outfit, but Chad defends it as a “pants suit.” Ha. Hiding those cankles, Chad?

And finally, Sharon Needles. Ru asks about Sharon’s slogan and she says “America’s Government Needs a Sex Change.” Dan’s intrigued but Ru just wants to know what the hell she’s talking about. Chad’s fanning herself while Phi Phi makes a bitchface (But vallegirl, what’s the difference?) and Sharon thinks we need to move beyond just men or women being legislators and get some manwomens in so they can play both fields. Ru wants to know if she plans to go negative, but Sharon says no because she’s been bullied. Dan interjects that everyone says they won’t go negative until they’re down in the polls so Sharon says she likes being down on a pole, so no problem. Dan has no snappy comeback because he’s too busy laughing and Ru excuses them because Sharon has a lot of work to do.

So step off, son.

With the visits done, Ru calls the queens attention to remind them that in these tough times the nation turns its lonely eyes to you…woo, woo, woo. Or something like that, but remember, don’t fuck it up. This is an inaction packed episode so after the break we’re right into the debate:

Give us 22 minutes and we’ll give you an erection for the election.

What QNN lacks in subtlety it makes up for in a kicky purple logo. RuPaul will be serving as our moderator with his “esteemed” colleagues Michelle Visage in cat-eye glasses and Dan Savage. Ru runs down the rules of the debate, informing the queens that they will be timed and they’ll be on the popular green/yellow/red light system. If the queen goes overtime, the “secret service” will escort them from the building.

The queens give their opening statements. Chad starts us off and is committed to that Ladypimp character claiming to live in the Shady Acres trailer park on Doheny between WeHo and Beverly Hills.  Does she mean the Four Seasons? Dida…tragic. She’s trying to be serious and is clearly nervous and just kind of stammers. Phi Phi lives by the “when in doubt, act like an asshole,” motto. Sharon’s wearing a wig that’s a perfect hybrid of Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin.  She addresses the audience as “Ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between,” and is so deep in character that I’m almost not sure how comic it is. Latrice just repeats what she’s said before but at least she isn’t Dida.

Sarah Bachmann

First question, and Dan asks Phi Phi and Latrice about how their experiences qualify them to be President. Phi Phi over-hams it up and is clearly amusing herself (if no one else) joking that she’s friends with Sarah Palin and played “Spot that Russian” from her house, reminding us what a comic genius Tina Fey is, and Phi Phi isn’t, while Latrice totally fumbles the question and answers it seriously. Ouch.

Next question is from Michelle and she wants to know how Chad and Dida would redecorate the White House. Chad would paint that bitch pink and fit the Capitol with an updo, an UP-do (but it already has one) then she mocks the lights because she came in under time. Phi Phi doesn’t understand why Chad’s doing this “masterpimp” thing but a) she’s hamming it up even worse and b) Mike Gravel who really did run for President. There is always bugnut crazy candidate. Meanwhile Dida, bless, she’d just decorate everything with Ralph Lauren. Because, seriously, nothing says America quite like a Jew from the Bronx who built a fashion and lifestyle empire by convincing us all he’s a cowboy from Montana. He does make nice paint, though.

Looking good!

Dan casually asks Phi Phi which of her opponents she’d choose as her running mate should she get the nomination and then…unprompted and for no reason whatsoever other than she doesn’t quite get how obnoxious her stereotypes can be, she calls Dida and Latrice “the help” and would have either one of them. Makes that chola routine from the infomercial seem tame. Dida jokes that she doesn’t do windows but Latrice gets closer to the point saying “I’m from Compton, bitch. I’ll whup yo’ ass.” Do it, DO IT!

Not to be outdone, when Dan asks Dida if drag queens should be allowed to marry Dida says yes, whether they want to marry other drag queens…or a dog. Dan’s rendered mute while he flashes back to 2006 and somewhere, out there, Rick Santorum just got a tingle in his sweater vest.

What are the odds Santorum will be running next March?

Sharon fields the question so much better, saying she believes queens should be allowed to marry AND divorce because she wants to be an unhappy married woman who will use her alimony payments to keep her in young lovers and vacations. All said in such an informed and authoritative tone. Dan asks the last question of Latrice, saying that politics can be ugly and wants an example of a time when she made peace with someone she disagreed with. Latrice gets all regal and admits that five minutes ago, she looked at Miss O’Hara and realized she was ugly. And she’s at peace with that. HAHAHAHAHA.

Time for the closing statements and while Chad’s  funny, Dida’s…tragic and Latrice is so middle of the road I forgot it while she’s saying it, Sharon gives a speech that’s almost earnest in content and right on the edge of satire in delivery and here it is, word for word:

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not an Ivy League, good old ladyboy. I’m just a girl of the streets, and that’s where I learned the American people. From the dark, black soil of Iowa to the punk rockers of Colorado to the hippies of Southern California to the blue collar boys of Pittsburgh, I’ve walked in every single one of their shoes. I’m of the people and for the people. I’m Sharon Needles, sharing responsibilities for a better world.

I’m Sharon Needles, and I approve this message.

Brilliant. Especially with the fanfare they added in post. Sadly, for Phi Phi, she has to follow that up, and her desperation oozes off the screen. She tries to be clever and lands on hack, her go-to position, makes a fat joke at Latrice’s expense and is once again outshined by Sharon blowing her nose in one of Phi Phi’s paper hearts. Heh. With the debate done, Ru signs off reminding voters to come early on election day…and don’t forget to vote. Because Ru loves him a good double entendre.

It’s a new day in the workroom and the queens have to get ready for the Inaugural Ball. Sharon starts driving the conversation about how politics is a drag queen dressing room and Latrice agrees because the mud-slinging is not cute. Heh. Sharon continues wanting to have a sincere discussion about the debate and how she would have liked to address real issues. While Phi Phi steams her gown and sneers at some point Chad says she’d really rather not mix her politics with the clubs.

Is bitch her resting expression?

Chad continues that Dan’s advocacy work is great but that’s not who Chad is. Sharon still insists that they should take advantage of having that platform to speak out but Dida’s got a bug up her ass about what a bitch and a downer Dan was the day before, and thought his serious approach to a drag competition kind of missed the point. In interview she says she’s not a big fan of politics because she doesn’t think there needs to be all that screaming and fighting to change the world. Those rose-colored glasses are really pretty, Dida, but there’s a reason the cliché  about laws being like sausage exists.

This segues into Phi Phi asking if any of the other queens ever ran for a school office. Dida didn’t but Latrice did and Chad didn’t because she didn’t want to draw attention to herself. Sharon takes it off in the direction of being the only openly gay kid at her school and it was compounded by being “weird” so she was bullied the whole time. Dida commiserates and says that when she’d bring up her bullying she’d just be told to ignore it and Sharon agrees that children bully out of insecurity but teachers and administrators validate the behavior by not intervening. She continues that it’s nice to have this exposure then realizes she’s veering into Pollyanna territory and jokes that it’s cliché but if she can help just one kid she’s done her part. And with that heavy conversation it’s time for the RUNWAY!

Michael Costello realness

RuPaul didn’t give a shit this week and threw on her favorite Palm Spring’s robe cinched with a Chico’s belt then slapped on some old blonde wig.  Still gorgeous, though. Sitting on the panel tonight is RuPaul’s Commander in Queef, Michelle Visage, Santino’s back and useless as ever and special guest judges T-1000 Jeffrey Moran and Dan Savage.

Their excitement just leaps off the screen.

Queens frocked the vote in a Presidential debate and the runway theme is the Inaugural Ball, so gentlemen start your engines, and may be the best woman, WIN!!

Phi Phi O’Hara
RuPaul: Her ballot box is stuffed

Dida Ritz
Dan: President Morticia Addams

Chad Michaels
Dan: Very Marcus Bachmann in his dreams
vallegirl: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Latrice Royale
RuPaul: Now that’s what I call a war chest.

Sharon Needles
RuPaul: That dress shows off her stimulus package.

As with the debate, only Chad and Sharon got it, but switched positions with Chad going traditional Inaugural Ball rocking the Mamie Eisenhower look while Sharon decided to dress for a Sharon Needles inaugural while the other three just fell flat. But what do the judges think?

First up, Phi Phi. She says she chose the white dress because it was elegant and Ru gives a little hint that she didn’t appreciate Phi Phi’s jokes when she asks if she wore it to court “white people” or…the help. Michelle steps in and points out to Phi Phi, quite fairly, that to land those kinds of jokes they have to be funny but hers wasn’t, landing it more on the offensive side. Phi Phi uses the old sawhorse excuse that people are just too sensitive, and that it’s not her, even though she was the one who thought to tell the joke and that it was funny so…it was her. Santino gives her a lifeline saying he thought the Palinesque character was funny and she should have gone further but here’s where Jeffrey’s stick-up-his-ass comes in handy, pointing out that we should be in on the joke otherwise it’s “the fart in church.” Heh.

Portraits in failure

Dan starts right in on Dida being the weakest saying she basically threw out a word salad, but not in the good “Tina Fey can see Russia from her house and will now play the flute while fancy pageant walking” way. Dida admits that she got thrown and finds discussing politics difficult, but Jeffrey is the voice of reason, AGAIN, and points out that he appreciates how difficult it can be to discuss politics but while Dida’s very pretty she has to show she’s also very smart.  Stop making cogent points, Jeffrey.  It just messes with my irrational dislike of you.

Chad gets to explain her debate performance. She also admits that she doesn’t like to discuss politics and debating is not a strength for her so she created the Ladypimp character to meet the challenge. Dan loved it because every Presidential election cycle brings the nutters out of the woodwork and Santino points out that she’s the only one who actually dressed for an Inauguration. The cymbal crash suggests that Dida and Phi Phi don’t appreciate Santino’s comment.

Ru asks what Latrice’s slogan and platform were. She mentions that she wanted to run on providing medication to HIV+ patients on disability but both Ru and Dan nail her for not actually saying that in the debate. Latrice says she didn’t have the time but Dan points out she did, she just didn’t take advantage of that time. Ouch. Santino also says she looks like she’s going to an awards show, and horror of horrors, her big, industrial grade bra strap is sticking out of her one-shoulder gown. Yikes. Michelle wants to smack some sense in to her, but wisely decides to just mime it.

Finally, Sharon Needles. Ru wants to know WTF? And Sharon explains that she wanted her gown to be futuristic because, let’s face it, we’re not going to have a drag queen for President for at least a hundred years. And in 500 years, a great American, Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, will be our first porn star President.

Camacho/Needles 2112!

Santino thinks it all works well and Michelle loved her debate performance because she was a woman who meant business but got her point across hilariously. Jeffrey admits that she spooked the hell out of him when she came out. As Sharon claps he says it was both good and bad so Ru gives Sharon one last chance to say something. She tells Moran that she loves vodka and has responsibly enjoyed his product on many a night. This actually makes Jeffrey approximate a human smile.

The queens are dismissed so the judges can deliberate. Santino liked Phi Phi but Michelle…not so much. Dida was intimidated which Jeffrey doesn’t like, Michelle nitpicks her but isn’t wrong and Dan just thinks she’s defensive. Dan loved Chad’s character because he felt it was fully realized and not one-note like Hack Phi Phi, but Michelle’s singing her Peggy Lee songs again. Jeffrey thinks Latrice lost her way, Michelle thinks showing your big bra strap is a rookie mistake and Dan thinks she has gravitas so Ru tells him there’s an ointment for that. Dan liked everything about Sharon from her performance to her runway look to admitting that there won’t be a drag queen President in any of our lifetimes, but Jeffrey wonders if the next drag superstar can only do shock value…conveniently forgetting that she didn’t use shock value in the debate. Unless that was edited out to make the result seem closer. (SPOILER!) With that…SILENCE, time to bring back…the girls.

She’s like Monty Python animation.

Back from break and Chad’s safe while Sharon wins…again! And since they saved so much by not giving Phi Phi jack for winning the mini challenge, Sharon gets a $5K gift certificate for home décor. Sharon aims for some politico realness by saying she’ll see them at the Iowa primaries but they caucus.  It’s okay, Sharon.  We still love you.

Every time a Sharon wins, a Phi Phi loses its mind.

Of the bottom three, I was certain Phi Phi’s offensive idiocy was worse than Latrice’s general blandness. I thought wrong. But maybe Phi Phi was saved by her better runway look. Whatever the reason, Dida and Latrice are lip synching to I’ve Got to Use My Imagination by Gladys Knight, and while Dida gives a good performance, she’s still quite young and doesn’t seem too familiar with Gladys’ mid-tempo vocals making her straightforward, high energy dance style seem incongruous to the music. Meanwhile Latrice says it’s old school “and you have to understand where these words are coming from and get the emotion out.” Or as Sharon says, Latrice took us to church. They were both good, but Latrice was better and Dida sashays away.

Can I get a Amen?

Dida and Latrice hug it out and Dida leaves with a smile because she’s not angry. She feels making top five was a good place for her, because she’s “Drag Race royalty, now,” and, yes, this is only the beginning, but I won’t clock her for using clichés because she was always cute and sweet, so good luck Dida. Just get yourself some of those great, big curly RuPaul wigs and you’re all good.

Shoulda been Phi Phi, though.

But wait…there’s still two more minutes left. That’s because Ru liked fucking with the queens last season SO MUCH that they’re carting out the returning queen twist. Phi Phi is pissed, but Phi Phi’s awake so that’s not new, and Latrice says no mo hos, but which queen will come back? Alisa? LeShauwn? Princess? Madame? Kenya? Milan? Jiggly? WILLAM??????? Or Dida? Choose wisely, because don’t no one want to see Jiggly back. (But I actually liked her by the time she left…) And these four handle the news way better than last year’s contestants, but that could be because no one is wearing dresses made out of hair.

And what did we learn on Untucked? Phi Phi was insufferable (but that’s an evergreen lesson), Latrice will call a bitch out if she feels disrespected, editing kinda hates Phi hi, Chad doesn’t know what more she can do to make Michelle stop whining about seeing the real her, Sharon really loves Chad and tells her it’s because no one can believe Chad’s been doing this for 20 years and is still a kind and lovely person, Dida knows she’s defensive and thought she had a strained relationship with her family until her mother was super sweet and super supportive in her video from home, Sharon had a pretty hellish time in school up to and including being advised by faculty that maybe she should just leave since she was “weird” and her getting bullied was a “distraction,” Phi Phi realizes maybe she didn’t have it so bad at school and Latrice’s name is Tim? Really? How adorable.

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us.

To follow my personal tweets, click here.

Thanks for being here!