Drag Race Recap: The Willam Show

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race: SNATCH GAME!

First of all, I totally forgot you were a bitch. (SPOILER)

It’s the morning after Kenya left and Willam just snatches the hangers while Sharon is wearing a Nixon Now belly shirt. Okay, then. Phi Phi interviews that it’s sad because her best friend’s gone and makes a pouty face but still has that hair lessening the woobie effect. She totally spontaneously prompts Milan by pointing out she sent both of the Puerto Rican girls home but before Milan can say anything, Willam breaks it down that Milan just kissed off being cast in West Side Story ever again. Even touring companies. Heh.

Phi Phi tries to simulate a human emotion other than seething rage but fails so Chad picks up her slack letting us know that everyone was so sad to see Kenya go. That will change on Untucked. Heck, Chad almost couldn’t enjoy winning Snatch Game because everyone was boo-hooing. But I’m guessing after a cocktail Chad said “Whatever” because, for real, they’ve only been there for a couple of weeks.

Milan continues down the clueless path claiming that, nonono, her performances don’t suck, the panel just doesn’t understand her drag. Yes, you’re just too outré for the rest of us mere mortals to get. She claims to “teeter totter in the boy world” (read: androgyny) but Willam points out that it only works if your characterization is super feminine (like, say, Raja). Milan insists that people are misinterpreting her drag, but at some point, Milan, if everyone is misinterpreting your drag in exactly the same way, maybe it’s not as avant garde as you think.

Portrait of a queen not getting it.

It’s Chad’s turn to redirect the conversation so she asks Willam, as an accomplished actor, if her tears were real. Willam says yes because she’d never fake cry ugly like that (heh) but Phi Phi is here to tell us Willam was acting. Because Willam did well on the last challenge and Phi Phi was told she sucked, so I’m sure her assessment is 100% objective, but at least the knit cap (in LA…in the summer) covers that hair. While Willam justifies the tears by pointing out her lashes were falling out…Jiggly emerges from her stupor to make an actual, funny joke, saying she “Didn’t know Satan could cry.” Bravo, Jiggly.

Ooh, girl…it’s SheMail time. Nautical theme this week, as Ru tells us she’s their cruise director and they’ll have to make waves because in order to avoid being Stonewalled a girl’s got to rock the boat. That was about as direct as a SheMail will get. Jiggly still doesn’t get it but that’s just Jiggly’s standard operating procedure.

Dandified Realness

Hello, Hello, Hello! Ru’s here and wearing a more casual look, replete with purple striped shirt and big, floppy, red, polka dotted bow tie, proving that tall, skinny people really can get away with wearing almost anything. The queens have been working so hard, that Ru’s giving them a break…a Spring Break. Everyone’s happy and Sharon’s doing her bad cheerleader kicks while Willam joyfully yells out TRAMP STAMP! This week’s mini challenge is a good, old-fashioned wet t-shirt contest. Queens are furnished with a Glamazon t-shirt (make dat money, Ru) and a brand new breastplate from BoobsforQueens.com. Whoever gets the biggest response from the Spring Breakers WINS!

They look like Sprinkles cupcakes.

While Latrice motorboats Sharon, Willam thinks she’s got it in the bag and Ru tells the queens they have 30 minutes to get ready. Sharon finds the girly-girl , sexy drag foreign but Latrice is strutting her padded, bikini-clad ass like the rent is due. Willam tells us that her look will be “God, I want to go to Miami, but all I can afford is Ft. Lauderdale,” and having lived in North Miami (so you know I’m not fancy) a big “Heh” to you, Willam. It may be just up A1A, but it’s a different world. Then Jiggly calls Chad a MILF and says it’s “Forever 21 not Forever 41,” and I refuse to admit whether or not I found that funny.

So the queens head out to “Dragtona Beach” (aka the studio parking lot). Pit Crew Shawn shows us why what he lacks in communication skills he makes up for with other “skills” and I always love when we get a behind the scenes look and remember that they make a lot of magic happen with a $100 budget and Groupons.

Can he even speak? Does it even matter?

Before we get into the actual performances, can we discuss exactly how did Standards and Practices decide when you can and cannot show a latex nipple on TV? Was this decided by a director or just some case manager? Like did Drag Race have to submit a request to find out exactly how much breastplate could be shown and in what context? And how drunk did the S&P official have to get once he (she?) realized this was his job?

Anyway, back to the contest. MTV’s been showing Spring Break long enough so everyone pretty much knows all you have to do is whip your hair, shake your tits and spread your legs, but Sharon manages to add some thigh high boots and a military hat for some kink because she likes to mock sexy, Phi Phi flails around until the breastplate falls off then “somehow” her pink wig comes off to make sure she has an excuse for why she lost the challenge and Latrice busts out the splits, but once Willam squirts her lotion and strips out of her red, frilly bikini bottoms it is pretty much over, because, as Willam so aptly put it, Thank god for all that bod.

Family entertainment

So, yeah, Willam wins and with the tomfoolery finished, it’s time to introduce the main challenge. According to Ru it’s going to be a herstory lesson about a drag queen, Marsha P. Johnson, who launched a movement out of the Stonewall riots of 1969, and making drag queens the central stars of Pride celebrations around the world ever since.

This week’s challenge is for the queens to create a fashion forward look for the RPDR Pride parade as well as create their own floats out of boats they’ll be wearing as their main accessories. The theme is “Hope Floats” and each queen will be assigned a color, based on the original rainbow flag. Then Shawn holds up an array of colorful bandanas and everyone gets a good laugh because we’ve all heard tales about the hanky code.

Cheer up. You chose that moustache.

As the challenge winner, Willam gets to assign the colors and damn. Willam takes blue then chooses to be all grown-up and fair about it, closing her eyes and turning her back so she doesn’t see which color she’s assigning to which queen so no one, in theory, could have anything to complain about. IN THEORY. Queens get the following colors: Jiggly – Orange; Phi Phi – Violet; Dida – Red; Latrice – Turquoise; Chad – Pink; Milan – Yellow; Sharon – Green. (Dun….DUNNNN. Michelle HATES GREEN!)

Each queen gets a boat in her assigned color with plenty of decorating materials. She can use her own drag or craft a look from fabrics provided by Michael Levine so it’s going to be a straightforward runway challenge. The queens leisurely grab their boats and…Jiggly starts off bitching about how ugly her color (orange) is. She says she doesn’t look good in it and she’s going from baked potato to sweet potato. (Okay, that was funny, too.) Dida asks what her concept is and she hasn’t a clue. But they both decide that using the tissue fan is probably a bad idea because she doesn’t want to look like a turkey. Are you sure? You don’t even want to give it a try? Jiggly pretty much knows she’s screwed.

Wrong parade, Jiggly.

Dida recaps the challenge while wearing a sea foam green trash bag (?) and Sharon informs us that in the original flag the color green symbolized “Nature” but she doesn’t think there is anything natural about her. Willam’s excited to see the snake Sharon made and thinks she’s going with a Garden of Eden theme, because Willam likes to be naked, but Sharon likes to freak people out so she wants to make it more about Medusa. Unlike last season there doesn’t seem to be any cliques and everyone is getting along. BO-RING!

Chad is prompted to asks if anyone in the room knows what Stonewall was and Willam pipes up to inform us that it happened in June of 1969 and the NYPD decided once too often to harass a nightclub (the Stonewall Inn). Sharon adds that queens were often doused in dirty mop water to clean off the makeup and Willam further adds that you had to wear at least three articles of “gender appropriate” clothing at all times or you could be arrested. And Willam, since you’re here, did you know all this before you played Candy Darling? Or did you research NYC at the time? I saw Beautiful Darling and learned that minutiae about NYC law so I was just wondering. (And you were pitch-perfect as Candy.)

Dida lets us know that she was raised in a very religious environment where being gay wasn’t accepted but this challenge makes her proud to learn about the queens who came before and paved the way. All this earnestness is a bit much for Drag Race, so Sharon asks Chad what it was like to be at Stonewall. Hehe, bitch.

Would be so much more effective without the hat.

Enough of this meaningful bonding, it’s time to check out Jiggly’s trainwreck. It’s still a big, ugly orange boat, but she’s trying to pretty it up with glitter…except she swallows some glitter instead. Willam points out that she’s swallowed worse and should stop eating the glitter because they’re having dinner, soon. Jiggly calls her a “stupid ass bitch” and Willam sasses back but there’s no tension or animosity in this group. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but where the hell is Shangela to stir up some shit when you need her?

Luckily, Willam can create her own trouble, this time by putting star stickers of herself all over her boat. In interview Willam tells us the theme is “Hope Floats” and she’s always hoped to be a star, so theme accomplished. Chad’s even a little surprised at how high on herself Willam is but Willam don’t care, she’s pretty. Jiggly thinks she’s narcissistic. I’m just surprised Jiggly could say narcissistic.

Stickers of me! The next best thing to being me!

Hello, Hello, Hello! Ru’s here for his workroom visits, still wearing that spectactular, big, floppy, red, polka dotted bow tie. After joking about the workroom looking like a Kylie Minogue concert exploded it’s off to see how Jiggly plans to totally whiff this challenge. Jiggly doesn’t disappoint and hasn’t a clue what she’s doing but speaks in vagaries and platitudes. Once again, to Jiggly’s credit, she totally knows Ru thinks she has her head up her ass.

Next up, Dida. She’s planning on doing a 70s hippy jumpsuit with sequined fabric (?) and it doesn’t sound completely tragic but Ru ominously asks if she’s planning on wearing a blouse…and she’s not sure. Time to visit with Willam. She calls her boat Starship Willam and tells Ru about how a quote from Ru’s book about no matter how down he was he always treated himself like a star really inspired Willam to always have faith in himself that one day he’d be a star, too. A reaction shot of Phi Phi looking nauseated may or may not have been from that moment, but let’s go with it because Phi Phi’s been decidedly bitch-free this episode.

Phi Phi’s a pretty girl.

But phuck Phi Phi, Ru likes the story and thinks it shows a sincerity that the panels been looking for. But no one wants too much sincerity from Willam, we want to know what she’s wearing. Willam references the Sex & the City episode where Carrie falls on her ass in a fashion show then pulls out the coat she wore, but not the actual coat because it would be too big for Willam. All that’s missing from this segment were CGI’d “blings” and cartoon bluebirds.

So it’s time to head over to someone who just. Doesn’t. Get. It. Hello, Milan. What do you have planned? Despite the challenge being ostensibly about being “fashion forward” Milan intends to “flashback to the future.” Ru thinks this sounds stupid, but chooses to be more diplomatic, pointing out that New York is the fashion capitol of the US and “wondering” where Milan gets her costumes. She has them made to portray characters and Ru finally tells her to stop portraying characters and be herself because she’s lip synched twice in a row. Milan, still not getting it, doesn’t seem fazed in the slightest.

Portrait of a queen not getting it: Still not getting it.

Time for character development with Phi Phi. Ru asks about her darkest hour and how she moved past it. Phi Phi admits that her childhood was difficult and abusive but they eventually worked it out. She’s being evasive and I’m not going to clock her for it, but in interview Phi Phi says Chicago was a fresh start and she can now live the life she wants. Ru gently tells Phi Phi that this is her time to shine and he’s counting on her to pull through.

With the visits done, Ru gathers the queens around to let them know that the guest judges joining them to celebrate Pride will be Kelly Osborne, whom everyone’s excited about, and NCIS star, Pauly Perrette. She gets a politely enthusiastic reception until Sharon asks Willam how many times she’s worked with Pauly and Willam says just once before “covertly” flipping Sharon off by scratching the side of her head with her middle finger. Heh. I usually “scratch” my nose. With that, Ru makes a hoary joke about boats and reminds the queens to not fuck it up.

What? I have an itch.

With no performance involved in this week’s challenge, we’re still in the workroom and Phi Phi is now tasked with recapping the challenge, again. Then, as Phi Phi lets us know that this challenge will show who can run with the big girls, everyone’s having problems with their boat, including Willam and Dida who never get frustrated so it must be stressful. Dida even slams a can of spray paint on the work table so things aren’t looking great for her. Of course, she slams it with a smile because she’s Dida.

With that settled, let’s look at someone who is still a hot mess. How you doin’, Jiggly? Poorly. She hasn’t a clue what she’s doing, hasn’t looked at half the materials she was given for the boat and is so far behind everyone. Jiggly is kind of agog at everything and Phi Phi needs to stand in judgment, in interview never in person, so she tells us that Jiggly’s out of her element and so far behind and, girl, just get your crap done.

I really need a Blow Pop right about now.

But this week is the Willam show, so what’s our favorite narcissist up to? She says that the hardest part of this challenge is not telling everyone else she’s going to win. Heh. She shows Latrice her plan for a masthead made from a foam head then admits that the concept may seem egotistical but it’s got a message that she’ll handle herself like she’s already the start she’ll be someday. Latrice says it’s “sick’ning” but Phi Phi’s here to Church Lady all over Willam’s idea, saying “Sick’ning? More like absolutely disgusting.” And Phi Phi’s always right in how she assesses the competition, so I’m sure Willam will be in the bottom two.

Time for friendly bonding and character development with our queens. Jiggly wonders if any of the other queens have performed at Pride. Chad almost belligerently says she’s put in her time at Pride while Sharon says, a little forlornly, that Pittsburgh’s never asked her to perform at Pride, expositing that maybe it’s because they think she’s a nighttime performer. Lest Jiggly wander too far over the likability line, she says it’s because Sharon’s “a spooky bitch” but Sharon even says she likes spotlights instead of sunlight.

Maybe it’s your Nixon Now t-shirt?

Phi Phi mentions being from Texas and how Texas is pretty much all about gay-bashing even at the gay clubs, but I wonder if Phi Phi ever bothered to go down to Austin or maybe Houston, and we know that Dallas has a gay scene, right Logo? It’s drunk and full of twinky Republican fundraisers, but it’s there. Still, Phi Phi likes Chicago better because she feels she can be more open and affectionate, and I won’t argue with her on that.

Willam wonders about the drag scene in NYC and if it’s concentrated in Manhattan. Milan drops an anvil explains that it’s pretty much all over the city and has many different types, and says that she doesn’t want to get pigeonholed as “just a drag queen.” She wants people to see an “artist” on stage. Like Thomas Kincade? Sharon tells us, and the room, that she has dignity looks and paycheck looks. Dignity looks are the ones she won’t compromise but when the electric’s about to be turned off, she’ll pull out the Gaga to keep the lights on. Editing implies that Phi Phi is not amused by this, but when is Phi Phi ever amused?

Was that a read?

But who cares, it’s time to check in with blondie. Theme is, Willam’s got a big mouth. First, she’s sassing Jiggly about whether or not she’s wearing a woman’s shirt, even with the hanger strap showing, mocking that she’s cross dressing on the day they’re supposed to be “boys.” She and Jiggly get in a “tiff” about pretty boats and ugly boats and ugly faces but when Jiggly threatens to inject hot glue in Willam’s face, she fires a quick one across Chad’s bow. In the workroom Chad seems fine with Willam, but at some point during the competition Chad strung together enough words to make it sound like Willam’s driving him nuts with his non-stop comments.

And remember how the hardest thing about the challenge for Willam was not telling everyone she’s going to win? Yeah, harder than Willam thought. First, she asks the room what her boat reminds them of, and when no one answers, Willam says “A winner.” Then she starts singing love songs about how pretty her boat is. Phi Phi confirms Willam’s top placement by saying she should memorize the words because she’ll be in the bottom two. I love that Phi Phi’s like Miss Cleo and all you need to know about who wins is to ask which one Phi Phi hates this week.

This isn’t annoying at all.

Runway day and as we watch the queens getting ready in their hotel rooms, including a gratuitous shot of Willam doing push-ups in teeny, tiny shorts, it’s off to the workroom…again. This seems to go on forever. Dida tells us that it’s tense while Jiggly’s finally landed on an idea…to incorporate very interesting looking anchors into her float, to get across the theme of “It Gets Better” and “Love U 4 U” and “St. Tropez.” Memorize those words, girl, you’ll be in the bottom two.

Speaking of (SPOILER!) let’s look at Milan’s boat. She wants it to be bright and sunny and says it’s “a little grade school” (understatement) but Willam yells out that there won’t be anything grade school about her boat, it’s an adult affair. Then, in interview, tells us that she’d never have painted “The Milan Invasion” on the side of her boat so she could blame someone else for it.

Portrait of a queen not getting it: The Final Countdown

Minutes to go until runway and in case we didn’t get just how poorly Jiggly’s doing, we get interviews from Phi Phi, Chad and Latrice basically saying “Bitch, pull yourself together. We’re professionals” while Jiggly’s just wandering around gluing rings to her boat and looking for her tits. And with that…it’s off to the runway.

Subliminal Emmy messaging

This week’s Pride panel include Michelle Visage wearing a strapless dress…with sparkly, dangling shoulder pads, because she really is a drag queen, Billy B in the carousel of occasionally permanent judge’s chair, and special guest judges Kelly Osborne, who’s been Grand Marshall of the Los Angeles Pride parade and Pauly Perrette, because, I’ll say because she’s really pretty.

Even while making that face she’s still pretty.

Challenge was to make a fashion forward look and pride float, because high fashion and Gay Pride go together like peanut butter and fish oil, so while the Pit Crew and a bunch of randoms in teeny, tiny briefs and sailor hats wave cardboard cut-outs of waves gentlemen…start your engines, and may the best woman WIN!

Chad MichaelsRuPaul: She’s serving the deadliest catch.
Michelle: Snapper.

Dida RitzRuPaul: Nice aft.

Jiggly CalienteRuPaul: Orange Jigglius

MilanBilly: Boatload o’ Wigs

Sharon NeedlesMichelle: Does that snake have one eye or two?

Latrice RoyaleMichelle: She fell face first at Claire’s.

WillamMichelle: Stick it in the porthole, Willam.

Phi Phi O’HaraMichelle: It’s the PhiPhiTanic

So as with the mini challenge, this really belonged to Willam. Pretty, well-made boat, great outfit, got out of the boat, made it a performance and was charming throughout. Latrice gets honorable mention for that wig and makeup job, and Phi Phi gets credit for backing off the Shannen Doherty realness and getting close to two matching eyes, but no one really went the extra mile like Willam and even if the clothes were designer they were just finishing touches not the main attraction. But how do the judges feel?

Chad was going for Drag Cougar and gets a lukewarm response with Billy pointing out that the look is straight up showgirl, not fashion forward. Pauly thinks Dida’s got the cutest face and while Billy agrees he also thinks there’s nothing that stands out about Dida’s drag, it’s all her cute face. Jiggly spouts some more vagaries and platitudes claiming her boat is about telling bullied gay youth to love themselves but it’s also about St. Tropez because she’s wearing a swimsuit under her cape. Yeah, no one on the panel gets it, either. They just wished she didn’t wear the cape, and Billy says the “class” Jiggly was giving was “sixth grade class.” Oops.

Billy B – The “B” stands for Bitch, BITCH!

Milan says her boat was all about the history of Fire Island and all the queens who came before her and she called it the Milan Invasion because she’s “invading the world.” Michelle’s all, yeah, whatever. I don’t get it while Billy says everyone else had a message about pride while Milan’s was just about her and it offended Billy, which doesn’t look good so what about Sharon? She explains that the green on the flag stood for “Nature” because “all gays were hippies in the 70s” and this makes Ru and Billy laugh while Pauly loves the hand snake. Billy thinks Sharon looks beautiful, which makes her blush, but doesn’t really like the boat.

Latrice gets mostly positive reviews, especially for her hair and makeup and that makeup is bananas, but Michelle points out the awfulness of her boots. On to Willam. She says she’s giving “maritime realness with the Starship Willam, amenities include WiFi, party deck and a business center,” and if she didn’t win it on the runway, she’s making sure this is her challenge in front of panel. Willam also lets the panel know that he was able to marry during California’s brief window where marriage was legal, so Gay Pride cuts just a little closer for him then backtracks to focus on the fashion. Billy and Kelly are both smitten with the look. Finally, Phi Phi, and for anyone wondering if/when people would clock her wonky makeup, clearly that got left on the cutting room floor because both Billy and Michelle point out that it’s much better. Kelly thinks Phi Phi looks like a Kardashian, but clarifies it’s because she’s beautiful while Michelle reminds her to stop making herself look beefy.

Latrursula – The Sea Witch

But what do the judges have to say about the queens in private? Pretty much the same things they thought during critique but we do learn that Sharon Osborne was born Sharon Needles? Really? Pauly and Kelly envy Willam’s body and Dida’s camel toe (?) might save her, while Michelle threatens Milan if she snatches her wig off one more time. Oh, and Billy B. may have some fat phobia. With that it’s time to bring back…the girls.

Ru reminds the queens about Marsha P. Johnson’s legacy, not just at Stonewall but beyond, and tells them it’s their responsibility to keep pushing boundaries. Then it’s on to the results. Chad, Sharon, Latrice and Phi Phi are all safe, but Willam WINS! And in case she wasn’t charming enough this episode, she lets out a loud, raspy, dorky, borderline Urkel laugh in celebration. Then she says she’s okay with winning a cruise and in interview says that it felt “correct” to win because when it’s right it’s right.

Shine on, Willam.

So who’s lip synching? Really? That’s a question? Dida may have been a boring mall chick but the show couldn’t even hide the obviousness of Jiggly and Milan whiffing this challenge five ways to Sunday, so they’re the bottom two, and, once again Drag Race sprang for the perfect song for this lip synch: Born This Way, by Lady Gaga.

How does the lip synch go? Pretty much by the book. Jiggly was bouncy and pulled out the ever popular “fat queen does the splits” which always goes over well and Milan, unsurprisingly, rips off her wig and dress and had she not done that before it probably would have been effective because it’s actually appropriate to this song. Dida gets a good laugh at it in interviews saying “Baby, uh, you were born this way,” but it was Milan’s time to go. Three strikes and you’re out so short of Jiggly just sitting on the stage, she wasn’t going anywhere. Sharon still seems surprised, though.

London…Paris…Milan…Outer Boroughs.

So what did we learn on Untucked? Not too much, except Jiggly really is kind of clueless about almost everything that doesn’t directly and immediately impact her, but is surprisingly open to learning and humble enough to know she probably should, some queens would like to bang Phi Phi while Sharon and Willam prefer Latrice and Chad’s all “I’ll masturbate, thank you,” Kelly Osborne is really good at prompting gossip and Kenya Michaels teaches us the valuable lesson that being tiny and cute isn’t the same as sweet and nice as she writes a poison pen letter that says so much more about her than any of the queens she attempts to read. But I’m not totally dismissing the theory floating that Phi Phi was just making that shit up as she went along.

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