Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race: Willam was a successful drag queen but an unsuccessful graphic designer, Sharon got defensive about her white contacts, Jiggly didn’t know what she was doing and Phi Phi was insufferable. I’m gonna macro that shit and call it “Ctrl P” because Phi Phi was insufferable is a “previously” on every episode.
Hey, at least she’s not mouth breathing
Morning after Jiggly left and the queens are dancing into the workroom singing Jesus is a Biscuit. Except Sharon. Because she’s Satan. Latrice has been tasked with recapping that Jiggly got canned last week and that it’s “mindboggling” because there’s only six people left. I’ll assume the “and we all couldn’t figure out how the hell she lasted this long,” was edited out.
Phi Phi’s awake so she’s being a bitch, this time talking about how much lipstick Jiggly used to write her goodbyes. Willam gets off a better joke about how at least it’s on the mirror not on Jiggly’s teeth and washes off the message. Then Willam talks about being in the bottom two and how she at least tried to be pretty. Editing suggests that Phi Phi finds the idea of Willam being pretty ludicrous. Ctrl P.
Try just a little harder.
Dida asks if it was humbling and Willam starts to say it didn’t add any humility, but whatever she said after that gets edited out because you can’t knock a bitch down if she has some self awareness. Instead we get a Frankenbite interview from Latrice that suggests Willam needs some humble pie and would have gone home against anyone other than Jiggly. I will assume the “or Phi Phi” was also edited out.
Chad jokes about how prissy and fussy Willam was during the lip synch and Willam says her strategy was to do anything to keep her dress bouncing and sparkling. Editing further implies Sharon disses Willam because “Miu Miu doesn’t make talent,” but Sharon makes jokes at everyone’s expense so I doubt it was any more pointed toward Willam than it is toward Chad. Willam accepts that she wasn’t at her best in the last challenge, but was good enough to stay.
Anvil time with Sharon. She talks about how everyone told her not to put on the white contacts but she ignored the queens and got read for them. Now she thinks she has to do some “girly girl nonsense,” and Phi Phi, who tends to look like Fesbo on the runway, asks Sharon if she can leave her goth look behind and just do “glamour” and “pretty” but Sharon says she thinks she is glamorous, she’s just not a lemming.
Chad rather nicely congratulates Phi Phi on winning the last challenge and Phi Phi rather obtusely drops an anvil about how in the challenge before she was in the bottom three and now she won so Sharon fires a quick one across the bow asking why it took so long while Phi Phi twitches and rolls her eyes. Heh.
Ooh, gurl. SheMail. Two Rus show up and one Ru tells the other that there are two things she doesn’t like about her….her face. First Ru is all aghast but the SheMail is pretty succinct. Keep your friends close and your frenemies closer. Then the two Ru’s tell each other to shut up and one will be waiting for the other in the parking lot. Bitch.
The mirror has two Rus
Hello, Hello, Hello! Ru’s here in his best Tom Wolfe white suit and magenta dress shirt to tell the queens that in a competition everyone’s shady and it’s hard to tell who your real friends are. So for the mini challenge there won’t be a winner because Ru’s looking for the truth, dammit. Queens will be strapped into a polygraph, administered by Mr.Polygraph, and it’s time for the queens to spill. Willam’s not looking forward to it.
So Mr. Polygraph straps the queens in for their tests and we learn the following scintillating things: Dida’s not a biological woman but Willam’s worn women’s clothing. Chad lies about sleeping in the nude and Dida lies about talking shade behind Chad’s back. If they were the last ladyboys on earth, Willam, Dida and Chad would kai kai with Latrice, Sharon would kai kai with Phi Phi but Phi Phi wouldn’t kai kai with Sharon. In fairness, you don’t develop that much unresolved, bitter, seething rage by getting laid proper on a regular basis so Phi Phi’s answer doesn’t count. She does drop an anvil about beating Sharon in a lip synch, though. Willam lies about her age but at least Sharon thinks she’s pretty, and most importantly, they all love RuPaul’s line of Iron Fist shoes.
He really needs a white Persian cat to go with that outfit.
After promising to forward their transcripts to the FBI, Ru gathers the queens in two lines to tell them that, based on the results, and the desire to stir up the drama most of the queens aren’t providing, they’ve been lined up opposite the person they have the least in common with. (And to make sure that Phi Phi and Sharon are forced to work together, again.) Teams shake out as Chad & Dida, Latrice & Willam (and Latrice jokes that it’s evil) and Phi Phi & Sharon. Phi Phi can’t not be a bitch so she jokes that Sharon’s “Party City” so Sharon can remind Phi Phi that she’s
Fesbo the Clown a busted showgirl.
Main challenge is for the pairs to prepare a nightclub act where they’ll perform as a couple of frenemies. They’re responsible for creating costumes, choreography and specialty lyrics to a song…oh, and by the way, they’re singing live. Ru sends them off with a word of advice to make nice, or just fake it…like he always does, so gentlemen start your engines and may the best woman…win!
While everyone settles in to work, Willam points out that the mindset in the workroom is that you’re only as good as your last performance but she informs us that she has a band, she sings live and she wants to win to prove that she’s more than a lip synching queen. I’ll let you decide. They practice briefly and editing suggests that maybe Willam’s ego’s a little inflated, but who cares? It’s time to move on to the trainwreck: Sharon and Phi Phi.
Phi Phi wants to manipulate the situation to what she wants, and do a Wicked theme, but Sharon says she prefers the angel/devil theme since that’s how she thinks people see them. Dida interviews that she’s not sure how they’ll work together since they’re “the most opposite” and had their “tiff” as their fight runs again so Sharon and Party City can make more coin from Phi Phi’s dumbassery.
They’re taking passive-aggressive digs at each other as Sharon keeps repeating that Phi Phi’s busted, busted *heehee* busted while Phi Phi refuses to call Sharon glamorous and interviews that “the” biggest problem is that “she” doesn’t like Sharon, but hunty…the feeling is way more than mutual. Or as Sharon said, she “doesn’t consider Phi Phi a frenemy, she considers her an enemy.”
Maybe if I stare really hard she’ll burst into flames.
Everyone’s in the workroom rehearsing the song and Phi Phi, because she’s a marginally talented hack, decides she’s going for some Gilbert & Sullivan realness while Willam & Latrice plug along and we get our first chance to hear Dida and Chad. Yikes. Their combined range is 1 ½ notes. While they try to find the melody, Chad admits they don’t sing and sound like sick cats. Self awareness is your friend, Chad.
Hello, Hello, Hello! Ru’s here for his workroom visits. First up? The sick cats. Ru wants to know what their plan is and Chad says to do a classic sister act where they read each other the whole time. Ru’s all “Ummm…that’s not a plan, that’s the challenge,” and says they needs something to stand out. Then Ru asks Dida what Chad has that Dida doesn’t and Dida says she’s “younger” and has a more “around the way” look to her drag. Was that a read? Chad returns the compliment by saying Dida’s “not afraid to fall on her face or fail.” Ha!
Next up, the trainwreck. Ru wants to know why Sharon thinks she and Phi Phi were paired up. Sharon doesn’t hold back and says because they kind of hate each other. Phi Phi is such an ass-kissing hack she feigns surprise but Ru’s chuckling “Really” indicates he watches the dailies so fess up, Phi.
Ru admits that many co-stars
despise each other don’t get along but it can create great chemistry, then asks if either sing. Phi Phi middle-manages that “she” does, ignoring Sharon, but Sharon admits that they both do, kinda. Ru asks for a sample and they can’t even get that together. Sharon wonders if they should also do choreography but Phi Phi thinks they should just sing and Sharon jokes that it’s coming along slowly because she’s white. Ru laughs and Phi Phi starts singing…operetta? Really? Sharon goes for a Wendy O. Williams scream. Ru’s confused and says there’s a lot there, and Phi Phi interviews that she knows she’ll do a good job so Sharon better not fuck up or she’ll be pissed. Because Phi Phi won the infomercial challenge and carried Sharon along. Oh, wait…
Beauty and the insufferable asshole.
Finally, Willam and Latrice. Ru wonders if either sings and Willam says she regularly does because she performs with a band. Ru asks both of them what the other has, and both Willam and Latrice agree that Latrice has a quiet confidence. Then Latrice says she’s going to “ground” Willam and calm her down, and is she moving from Mama Bear to Mommie Dearest?
Ru wonders what the gimmick of their act will be and while Latrice says “Pretty in Pink,” Ru’s not sure that’s enough. Willam says she’s going to turn Latrice out and she’s going to be a whore. Heh. Latrice doesn’t seem to appreciate it, but Ru walks off telling them they have a lot of work ahead of them. Willam agrees, saying they should just do what they want to do, but do it well.
You are not getting up from this table until you have finished that meat.
Ru gathers the queens around to let them know they’ll have a chance to practice their routine with RuPaul resident cutie, and song composer, Lucian Piane (NSFW), and then they’ll perform their act for special guest judges, actress and poker champ, Jennifer Tilly, whom Sharon loves and Phi Phi remembers to cheer for rather than look ignorant, and Latrice thinks it doesn’t get any better than that until Ru says the other judge is the always fabulous…Pamela Anderson, and all the queens get so excited that Willam actually makes this face:
Willam’s happy about Pamela Anderson.
Seriously, she’s registering joy. Dida’s excited about Pamela, too, because she grew up watching Baywatch and it is pretty cool. But what isn’t cool? Teams will be judged as teams so one will win…and one will be lip synching for their lives. GULP! Sharon mock sobs in interview and as Ru reminds the queen not to fuck it up, Dida says it’s going to be an emotional lip synch. She has no idea how prescient she is…unless the interview was done the next day in which case, duh.
In the workroom, Dida wonders how everyone feels about lip synching against their teammates and while Latrice calls it a “wrench in the plans” Willam admits he’s not planning on being in the bottom. Phi Phi’s seething rage starts bubbling out of her Shannen Doherty eye and she says that if Willam and Latrice are in the bottom “Bye, bye Willam.” Then a big anvil falls on her head, but it’s protected by her granite head and Wham! hair. Dida joins in that Latrice will wear Willam out because none of them saw the video for Vagina Song. Willam agrees with me, saying Phi Phi’s rolling her eyes while everyone says Willam sucks, but they can all go fuck themselves. Indeed, Willam.
Delusion thy name is Phi Phi O’Phool.
Rehearsal time, and Lucian’s adorable as ever in his striped t-shirt like he’s in sixth grade. Latrice and Willam have a brief disagreement on how they’ll enter then get into the rehearsal. Latrice misses a few cues and is off her timing, but Willam kindly says in interview that to be late is to be left and if Latrice misses her line she’ll just steamroll through with her next line. That’s the spirit! Lucian suggests they go as vindictive as possible and neither Willam nor Latrice thinks that’s a problem, but the edit tries to imply they’re having difficulties. Lucian’s making about 153 WTF? faces per second, and while his eye contact would suggest it’s Latrice who’s not picking it up, editing wants us to believe it’s Willam who’s scattered and all over the place. Except they get the tepid note to just keep practicing so…
Time for Dida, Chad and their one-note range. They’re stumbling and hemming and hawing over the lyrics and Lucian’s getting that gassy look he had when Shangela told him to save his criticism. Dida’s pretty sharp and picking up on the variations on a WTF? theme in Lucian’s facial expressions and knows they suck. Lucian is not unkind to them, though, and just suggest they really focus on getting the lyrics down so they don’t miss the cues to make sense of the physical comedy. In private he tells the cameras that they weren’t well-prepared, and Chad thinks he has extra pressure to perform because of his 20 years of experience. Just ask Shangela how important 20 years of experience is.
Finally, Sharon and Phi Phi and straight out of the gate Phi Phi’s singing operetta and Lucian’s jaw is on the floor. Sharon’s decided to use a less abrasive voice than earlier, and is trying to soften it up and make it sexy, but Phi Phi is the living embodiment of delusion and flop sweat. Lucian’s face has run out of WTF? expressions and while Phi Phi gets a self-satisfied grin Lucian just wants to know what the hell is up with the opera. Phi Phi, still unaware that she’s the one who’s sucking worse, says she’s playing an angel and aiming for a Disney quality while Sharon says she’s a devil and is supposed to yell one of her lines. Sharon bleats out a Wendy O. Williams “I do it so much better…” and Lucian seems to find it amusing but he’s mostly still trying to process the awfulness before him.
Phi Phi, because she’s a roiling mass of insecurity, delusion, and seething rage, asks if they can just sing it straight, but is still trying to melisma the shit out of the song. Lucian’s laughing to fight back the tears of confusion. He finally stops them and, I guess, sensing Phi Phi’s a church tower away from tragedy, suggests that they’re both focusing too much on the vocals but clearly tells Phi Phi to back off the vocal tricks and Sharon takes a moment to get in a dig for Phi Phi not to Christina it up. Heh.
Phi Phi O’Guilera
Lucian moves on and suggests they just focus on the end but by this point Phi Phi’s so tightly wound that she’s messing up and cursing and, in interview, blaming Sharon for her fuck-ups. And Sharon more calmly states in interview that Phi Phi’s a “squeaky princess that just needs to be whapped over the head by a 2×4. Even Lucian’s picking up on all the tension between them and says they just need to bring their A game because you can only fix so much and he’s not the man to work out their bullshit. I might have embellished his comments though.
That was rough so here’s a Brady Bunch grid of Lucian to wash away the pain of that trainwreck:
He’s so cute when he’s being judgmental.
It’s performance day and the queens arrive at the workroom. Dida and Chad are in good moods and Dida’s joking about “doing it so much better than you,” but Phi Phi is full of bile and denial so she mutters “No you don’t.” Latrice quickly recaps the challenge so the queens can jump in to discuss how quiet and low energy Willam is. Dun-DUUUNNN! Dida interviews that Willam’s usually the queen of the quips but she’s not herself and Latrice wants to know what’s wrong. Willam insists it has nothing to do with their act but Latrice isn’t sure. Willam promises that once the “red light is on [she’s] there,” and that’s reassuring enough, for now, for Latrice.
Moving on to anvil time. Phi Phi and Sharon are getting ready together and joking about how “when” they win the challenge Sharon will permanently like Phi Phi and Phi Phi announces to the room that Sharon’s a showgirl now. Dida’s all “the hell?” but Sharon admits, in interview, that she’s liking Phi Phi more and has upgraded Phi Phi’s status to just “hate.” Heh.
More character development time as Willam is cranky about someone pounding the counter while she’s doing liquid (liner), Phi Phi tries to intimidate with her scales and Sharon tells us how she’d be lost without her drag family. Latrice tells the room that if her drag family hasn’t gotten together in a while, they all come to Latrice’s to have a pot luck dinner and Sharon and Chad both want to go.
Mama Bear’s Pot Luck Suppers – Pumpkin Spice foundation optional
Willam’s still in her corner and says that she used to think her life was interesting but the other queens’ lives sound like they’re more fun. Then she reminds us that she didn’t form a drag family because she didn’t come up through the clubs and is weak in the “friend” department because of it. Chad and Sharon say they need their drag families and thus ends the bonding. A little more spackle, sparkle and powder because it’s showtime!
Ren Faire Ru
Ru’s knocking it out of the park in a kelly green kimono style gown which looks more D&D than Japanese to me, but that might be the giant blonde curls. Or the green eye shadow. Neither of which is particularly period or culturally accurate but whatever. Joining Ru on the panel is the ever-present Michelle Visage, her boobs and a big, sparkly Diva necklace, adorable newcomer Lucian Piane in the rotating regular judge’s chair who tells Ru he only slept with two of the queens while they were practicing, and special guest judges Jennifer Tilly, her boobs and Pamela Anderson and her boobs and that’s a lot of boob on the panel. No wonder they gave Santino the night off.
Boobs and crazy eyes
Ru introduces the challenge, letting the panel know that the queens were had to create a nightclub act based upon being frenemies, then she asks the judges if they’re ready for double trouble, which is clearly some kind of Pavlovian signal for Pamela because she shakes her rack, so gentlemen start your engines and may the best woman, WIN!
First up is Willam and Latrice and they’re hitting it from the beginning. The “pretty in pink” theme was just to tie their very different appearances together but they’re both quick with the underhanded/snide reads and are very funny. Willam’s doing most of the heavy-lifting with the performance though, pulling off most of the sight gags including a spot-on pratfall, but everyone’s enjoying the performance, especially when they strip to lingerie. Pamela loves it so much she lets out the cutest, girliest squeal. Winners!
Tragic. Pamela’s a game judge and wanting to have some fun because their costumes are fun, but while Sharon starts off well enough Phi Phi’s already channeling the lonely goatherd from her first line. The jokes are weak and Sharon’s losing her timing because Phi Phi’s trying to win it, by herself, by over-singing everything. The frozen, and not from Botox, expression on every judge’s face pretty much tells the story but Sharon says, in interview, that she’s going to be pissed if this song-and-dance sends her home, kindly not blaming Phi Phi for the fiasco.
Bless Pam, she’s really into the whole production and almost makes the bad performances fun. Unfortunately, Chad, Dida and their combined 1 ½ note range aren’t holding up their end of the bargain. Dida’s trying to be charming but her voice is quavering while Chad’s just basically chanting his lines and they’re planted at the back of the stage for most of the performance. A couple of jokes hit while more than a couple of notes fall very flat and Lucian’s facial muscles are twitching incredulously, but they end well enough to save themselves when Dida tears away Chad’s dress.
I thought the results were pretty obvious, made more obvious by the editing, but what did the judges think? First team to be questioned are Willam and Latrice. Latrice admits that Willam pushed her way out of her comfort zone with the lingerie, but she’s loving it. And since Jesus is a biscuit, she’s just going to let him sop her up. Willam gives an amen and Pamela’s loving everything about them, the lingerie the stockings and especially Willam’s shoes, which she informs us are Ver-SASE. You’d think this would endear them to Michelle, but she bitches that too much shtick can get in the way. Jennifer doesn’t agree and says they’re like Laurel & Hardy or Jane Russell & Marilyn Monroe, because they’re very different but work perfectly off each other. Then Pamela tells Ru that America’s Got Talent has nothing on this show (Sorry ‘bout it, Casey.) because she thinks all the queens are talented. She’s really sweet. Probably because she’s Canadian.
Can I get an Amen?
Next up, Chad & Dida. Michelle says she almost got a cavity from watching them because they were so “Roxie & Velma” and somewhere Chita Rivera is sharpening her nails for when she sees Michelle down some alley to let her know what she thinks. Jennifer is embarrassed that she’s the Paula of the panel because all she does is seal clap her approval, but Pamela points out that Dida lost her vocals when she’d get excited and Lucian tells them that some of the jokes fell flat because they couldn’t hear what they were saying.
But no one cares about Chad & Dida, it’s time to move on to the trainwreck. Sharon is working double time with no filter and says that there’s been some friction between her and Phi Phi because she’s never felt accepted by the pageant queens and Ru pointedly asks if that was a read. GULP! Michelle, in her leopard print gloves WITH PAINTED NAILS ON THEM, advises Sharon that she could learn from Phi Phi because she doesn’t lose “Sharon” by looking pretty. Sharon says she loves the “Country Crock” hair she’s wearing and Pamela thinks they’re both gorgeous because Sharon’s all Janice Dickinson (the early years) and Phi Phi is all…her.
This woman is offering fashion advice.
Jennifer’s over her Paulaness and tells them that while she appreciates the attempt at harmonizing, the result was kind of awful while Lucian, flashing back to the disastrous rehearsal, tells them they needed to be funnier. Michelle tells them they were almost too nice to each other and she couldn’t even hear if there was any shade Ouch. That’s what they do best. But with that done, it’s time for the judges to deliberate.
Michelle liked that Latrice stepped out of her comfort zone and that Willam could really sing, but she still has to be a PITA and complain that the shtick was too much. Lucian thinks maybe less would have been more, but Michelle is also the queen of “More is more,” so she just talks out of her ass. Jennifer thought they were very polished and Pamela would have them open for her in Vegas. And they all loved Willam’s pratfall. Chad and Dida weren’t synched up and Dida’s energy was too wild. Pamela says that she looked like she was trying to swallow the mic and Ru makes a fellatio joke that Pamela co-signs. Finally, Phi Phi and Sharon. They all find something to pick apart but all I heard was loserloserloser. And now it’s time to bring back…the girls!
Suddenly, things get really weird. Knowing just what an unhinged cooze Phi Phi was during Untucked it makes a little more sense, but Willam was looking beat down while they were standing on stage. Ru announces she and Latrice the winners of the challenge and rather than the normal gleeful cheers they share an emotional hug and are both tearing up on stage, while Willam interviews, through tears, that she wasn’t expecting to win the challenge but is glad she didn’t let her teammate down. Hmm.
LEAVE. WILLAM. ALONE!
With Latrice and Willam safe, Ru goes into her speech about which team will be in the bottom two. Willam’s looking awful and Latrice asks if she’s okay but she’s clearly sick. As Ru is about to tell Phi Phi and Sharon their fate Willam hurls off the side of the stage and Lucian and Pamela get that paralyzed look of trying not to see what’s happening. A quick check by Ru to make sure Willam’s good to continue (she is) and Phi Phi and Sharon? You are up for elimination. As Chad and Dida walk off stage, Phi Phi, in interview, bitterly blames Sharon for their collective failure and says she’s done being nice to Sharon. Sharon, to her credit, just says she doesn’t want to go home.
They’ll be lip synching to It’s Raining Men (the Sequel) by Ru and Martha Wash and let’s see how extra superfly awesome Phi Phi is. She starts off well enough, if too hyped for her own good, but within the first ten seconds of the song her shoes are gone. Meanwhile, Sharon’s turning out a performance that would do Martha Wash, Sylvester, RuPaul and Manila Luzon proud. She’s both old-school and new-wave drag with the sashaying around the stage, in her heels mind you, and the arm-waving and the crazy eyes. Phi Phi, desperate to keep up, does the saddest death drop, ever and has now lost her wig. She pulls out every trick we’ve already seen in the lip synchs except carrying Sharon off stage. Dida tries to say it’s close but not from what I saw.
Please note: Who still has her wig and heels on?
But things continue to get weirder because the camera cuts to Willam at the back of the stage. As Sharon interviews about being nervous Ru says she’s made her decision and asks Willam to join Phi Phi and Sharon on stage. Willam looks the worse for wear but joins them and Ru first points out that Willam won the challenge because she’s a beautiful and talented queen…but, she broke the rules “that are in place to protect the fairness of this competition,” and will have to leavet even though we never hear what rule she broke. Don’t leave an audience hanging, Ru.
Despite what was said on Untucked, everyone, except maybe Phi Phi, seems shocked that Willam’s getting DQ’d but Willam takes it with her usual charming insouciance. As she leaves a butt print on the mirror she says she broke the rules, but “regret’s kind of a fool’s game,” because she can’t change what she did so no use dwelling on it. But dwell on the fact that if not for your disqualification we’d be rid of Phi Phi. Can you live with that, Willam? Huh?
You’re already the star you think you are. Now let’s meet up for some Chick-fil-A.
Ru lets Phi Phi and Sharon know that, in light of Willam’s disqualification, they’re both safe and warns them that sometimes a queen’s worst enemy is herself. Then the queens dance themselves off the stage as Lucian teaches us that being able to produce dance music doesn’t necessarily mean you can keep a beat.
And what did we learn on Untucked? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…but seriously. Phi Phi is awful and her tone is very pointed, Pamela Anderson is sweet and inadvertently taught Sharon how to do makeup, Phi Phi’s a hypocrite, a liar and a saboteur who can’t admit her own flaws, Sharon’s very sensitive but isn’t afraid to read anyone and indulging Phi Phi’s vile behavior only makes it worse.
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