Drag U: Blue Collar, Pink Pumps

Hey, boys and girls and lady boys and girly girls.…it’s time for another session of RuPaul’s (RP) Drag U!  First we had “Tomboy Meets Girl” and then “Dateless Divas”.  Now it’s “Blue Collar, Pink Pumps”.

As every week starts out, RuPaul is meeting with the teachers to assign the tasks.  This week’s professors are Professor Shannel, Dr. Pandora Boxx and Ongina PHD.

Who looks like she’s channeling Markie Post

Shelley Long?

Sinead O’Conner?

RP tells them this week’s theme is turning blue collar into pink pumps.  Or dirty to flirty.  Are we ready to meet the students???

Shannon is 35 and a longshorewoman.  (I called her “Shannel” in my About Last Night because I’m a moron).  She is ashamed of her body and spends all of her time covering it up.  She wants to be sexy and pretty.  She wants to be the female role model to her daughters that she never had.  (ouch—grandma smackdown).

Why does she look like she has beef jerky on her person?

Jules is 31 and she owns a doggy day care (love!) and then says she wants “to get sexy back” (hate!).  She dresses down on purpose.  She used to be a model but it wasn’t fulfilling.  Her mom is totally disappointed in her and Jules now wants to find the balance between the girl she was and the girl she is now.

Yep, look behind you.  That was your modeling career.

Our last victim contestant is Laura, 33, a zookeeper.  Laura needs to find her softer side.  Laura tells us that on the inside, she’s nice and sweet.  On the outside, she’s the tough girl.

Does anyone smell jerky?

For Orientation, RuPaul comes out to describe the process.  They will be assigned Drag Professors who will help them find their inner diva.  They will draguate at the end of 48 hours and the woman with the highest DPA (drag transformation, performance and attitude adjustment) will draguate with top honors and win fabulous prizes.  He tells the ladies they need to make a break from their dirty, dirty, dirty jobs.  Here at Drag U, there are only 2 bad words:  Impossible and mother-scratcher.  I would have thought “subtle” and “demure”…

“Are you ready to be the baddest bitch in school???  Can I get a Ru-ha???”

Ru introduces them to the Drag Lab where they will have everything they need to make the transformation.  Looks like a costume shop with boas, outrageous jewelry, wigs. Here the girls meet the drag professors.

Both subtle AND demure…

Shannon will be with Ongina; Jules is with Pandora Boxx and Laura is with Shannel.

Shannel is very excited to be paired with Laura because Laura has exquisite cheekbones that she can’t wait to “chisel” out.  At first, I thought she said “jizzle” and I was like, “Whoa, Logo..what’s going on???”  Whew—still a family show…

Now that the girls have been paired with their men-tors, it’s time for the entrance exam.  The entrance exam is basically a one-on-one interview and the professors ask each of their charges very personal questions to try and figure out why they are the way they are.

Ongina asks Shannon, “What’s in your closet?”  And Shannon tells her, mainly coveralls.  She then calls them “Sweet”, which draws a disapproving look from Ongina. It must be 5 degrees where Shannon does her longshoring, if that’s all the girl wears.  And much like kilts, are we never to find out what’s worn under the coveralls?  Oh, yeah, right…family hour.  We also find out Shannon has 5 girls.  It doesn’t take long for Ongina to figure out that Shannon’s main problem is her self confidence.   Shannon tells Ongina all her girls are “girly girls” and she doesn’t feel like she’s a good role model for them.  Obviously, someone is, unless there is something called “Garanimal Coveralls” for the little ones.

Pandora Boxx asks Jules what the craziest thing she’s ever done is.  Jules answers “Posing for a men’s magazine”.  Pandora asks her which one and Jules responds, “Playboy”.

Centerfreak

Alright before we move on, let’s discuss this.  Jules used to be a model, but now since the whole modeling thing wasn’t fulfilling, she feels the need to cover up and dress down.  I see it differently.  She discovered chili dogs and double fudge brownies.  She doesn’t need a drag makeover—she needs a diet.   And keep in mind, she is also 31 now.  I don’t think even Terrible Tyra would want her.

Shannel talks with Laura:  “Do you have any hidden talents?”  Laura responds that she is a hula hoop dancer.  Shannel excitedly tells her “You crazy bitch; I live for that.  I’m a juggler.”  Simmer down, Shannel, we’re all jugglers in the right environment…And I don’t really know if I would consider hula hoop dancer as a “hidden” talent.  I won’t argue the talent part of, because the only way I can do it is swing it real hard around my neck, which is not only ridiculously unattractive, but inherently painful.  But hula hoops are big–really big.  It’s not like you keep one in your purse in case you’re at some party and a spontaneous talent show begins.  Well, maybe I’m going a little too far with the whole concept of hidden.

RuPaul comes back in the Drag Lab and announces it is time for the Dragulator.  The Dragulator is a “high tech” piece of crap equipment which decides the drag persona for each of the women.  Shannon is the first one up.  The Dragulator screen shows us that she will now be Kiki Kardashian.  Oh, lordy, I forgot.  Kris Jenner is the guest judge tonight.  I swear, I thought the Logo channel would keep me away from those bitches.  So, Shannon is now Kiki.

Yep, I can totally see that.  In Bizarro World.

Jules is up and her drag persona is Kitty Kardashian.

She loves it

RuPaul tells her she looks like Lady Bunny (a regular judge on the show).  Jules asks who that is and RuPaul replies, “The oldest drag queen alive”.  LOL .  You can tell Jules doesn’t care for her look.  I guess a formal model expected a little more then looking like a “Hee Haw” extra.

Laura is the next one up and her persona is Kornisha Kardashian.

Wow–looks like a Project Runway reject.  Or winner.  You never know with that show.

Now that the ladies know what their supposed to be, it’s time for school to start!

Spokesmodel 101.  RuPaul explains to us that what better way to go from dirty to pretty than to be an international spokesmodel for a beauty product.  So, they all take turns doing fake commercials for a fake hemorrhoid cream called “Shante’”.   They get in front of a camera and read off cue cards.

LOL—I’d like to see a real spokesmodel do this…

Jules does the best and she is the winner of some fabulous prizes!  She wins a hair care package, make-up kit and a wilshirebeauty.com shopping spree.

Next it’s on to Drag Performance 101.

The choreographer is Frank Gatson Jr and according to RP, he is the Dean of dance.  The song they have to perform (dance around and lip synch) to this week is “No One Else on Earth” by Winona Judd.  WTF?  1991?

Frank’s big advice is to concentrate on the vibe.  He tells them to act like they are in a nightclub.  They don’t strike me as huge clubbers.

Sam’s Wholesale Club?

Frank tells them to walk like the floor is hot.  The professors watch the rehearsal and Ongina remarks that Shannon dances like a white woman with a big ass and doesn’t know how to use it.  Laura moved great and Jules is not giving 100 percent.  The pros get up on stage to help them.  Laura has training but needs an edge.  They also believe that Laura is too cocky.  How can she not be?  She’s up against the Great White Hope and a Graceless Kelly.

It’s 36 hours before draguation.  Shannel wants Laura to go with a bathing suit look.  Forget conservative.   “Conservative” would definitely be the 3rd forbidden word at Drag U.  Right next to “taste”, “politically correct”, and “class”.

Ongina wants Shannon to show some skin, but Shannon’s all about the cover up.  Ongina tells her that showing skin is about owning your confidence.  But she says this, not knowing what Shannon’s skin looks like.  Oh, Ongina–so optimistic!

Jules tells Pandora she likes her dragulator look and that it’s very Valley of the Dolls

Total Drag Inspiration

She goes on to tell Pandora she’s going to fierce it out.  Because the word fierce is just not used enough.  Sigh  And Pandora tells her she needs to bring out her kitty.   Jules has decided to really embrace her kitty persona and starts slinking around like a cat.

Production Note:  No sparkly ottomans were hurt in the filming of this show

Meanwhile, Laura is dancing around with her hula hoop.  Shannel says, “Isn’t that fierce?”  Crickets.  Jules asks Pandora, “What is she doing?”  Yes, I realize hula hooping is one of those rarely sighted anomalies, but at least we all know what it is.  Jules goes on to say, “She’s the ringmaster”.  Shannel:  “bitch”.  Personally, I think Jules is a little jealous.  Laura really knows how to move with that hoop.  Because she has a waist.

Looks like little miss red dress tried the hula neck thing, with awful results.

RP comes in and asks Laura about her dancing.  He then asks Jules what her tricks are.  She replies she doesn’t need any gimmicks—she’s a kitty kat.  Because that’s completely normal and not-gimmicky.

RP asks Shannon if she has anything to bring.  As a longshorewoman, can she back it up.  She means backing up a large truck, of course.  RP suggests she try to back it up herself (use that booty).  Because those things are so similar.  Poor Shannon–really reaching.  But without a hoop or cat paws, she seems to be the underdog.  The underdog in coveralls.  Such a paradox.

RP:  Okay, ladies, get back to work!  And he leaves the ladies to do their homework.

Laura is doing her hula hoop dancing, Jules is crawling around on the floor meowing and coughing up hairballs and Shannon is in front of the mirror doing affirmations.  Her affirmations aren’t going so well because she’s getting really sad (worst affirmations ever!) and apparently, when she was younger, she was told she looked like a whore or a slut and she can still hear the voices like it just happened.  Sweet Jesus, get over it.  Who wasn’t called bad things when they were younger?  Does anyone really believe they still have cooties?  Laura and Jules come over there to comfort her.

A Whore, Matey…

They all agree it’s hard to be a woman and to have expectations put on them.  And they all start crying.   Oh, sweet corn, it’s called putting on make-up and curling your hair.  We’re not asking you to get brazilians.

I thought we were getting free waxing, too!  sob, sob, sob…

Now, it’s 6 hours before draguation.  Kitty/Jules is worried that her dress is too short and Shannon’s worried Jules might accidentally flash the real kitty to her husband.  Um, Shannon, have you seen Jules?  Pandora tells Kitty/Jules she needs to make a cooter cover and they move forward making some hot pants for under the dress.  I’m going to ask for a cooter cover for my next birthday.  What self-respecting girl doesn’t have at least one of those?  Oh wait, they’re called underwear.

In RP’s office:  He’s looking over Jules’ portfolio from her modeling/thin days and wants to know why she got away from all that.

Before the 4^th Meals

Can’t airbrush Chalupas

Jules tells him that she got away from all that because men only wanted one thing and women didn’t want anything to do with her.  Oh, I feel her pain.  I can’t go down the stuffing aisle at the local Shop-N-Save without the men drooling all over me and the women shooting me daggers.  I’ve got to quit wearing those lime stretch pants.  RP goes on to tell her that she can not let other people make her feel small.  And he reminds her she needs to bring her fierce to graduation.  And for the love of all things good, don’t forget the cooter cover!

Back in the Drag Lab, Laura is telling Shannel she is worried about going out there with the hula hoop because she doesn’t want to screw it up.  I think there are dozens of reasons why a hula hoop is a bad idea, but screwing up isn’t one of them.  The idea, I thought, was to be sexy and childhood toys do not exactly scream erotic.  Unless they’re Easy Bake Ovens:  half-baked chocolate cake, cooked by the warm glow of a light bulb.  That stuff rocked.

Heaven by a light bulb

In RP’s office, he tells Laura that a little birdy told him she doesn’t like to put on make-up because it makes her look like a clown.  So, what in the hell is she doing getting a drag make-over?  Men who dress drag look gaudy and entertaining for a reason.  Women who do it look ridiculously clown-like.

Last week’s winner

Laura tells RP that she is just not used to seeing it.  He tells her the outside appearance needs to match her inside fire (STD?) on the runway.  And he reminds her not to shortchange her looks.

Back in the Drag Lab, Ongina tells us that Shannon’s confidence level is the wall that she has to break down.  So, she asks about her affirmations.  Shannon immediately starts crying.  Ongina wants to point out she has a lot going for her.  They stand together in front of the mirror and Ongina tells her, “If I can be a bald queen and be this beautiful—you’re beautiful.”

“Okay, maybe pretty.  Or attractive.  Or maybe just not vomit inducing.  But nice.  Really.

Shannon is now in RP’s office.  She tells him it’s hard to get past a few things.  She doesn’t want people to think she’s a whore.  WTF happened with this woman?  She has 5 daughters—are they all from different daddies?

Shannon’s kids, along with little Fredricko from down the street who always hangs around the girls and smells like cabbage.  Little bastard never knows when to go home.

RP tells her she needs to heal and when those voices come up, she needs to remember the famous Lil’ Kim saying, “It’s like ashes in the urn; none of my concern.”  Um, okay…Are people still calling this woman a whore?  Where the hell does she live?

Oh, got it.

It is now one hour before draguation.  The massive stadium is filled to the top with adoring RP fans!

Or not

First interview is with Laura best friend, who says Laura looks shocking with any make-up on, so anything overboard would be really shocking,

Not shocking:  a hula hoop shoved up you’re a**

Backstage, Shannel is doing Laura’s make-up and telling her she’s trying to make her nose look smaller.  LOL, I love how honest these bitches are.  She also tells Laura she’s saving up to buy new cheekbones next year.  Record scratch.  Can you do that?  And if you can do that, can you switch out chins?  I’d love to have a stronger chin.  I could tape my doubles together, but you know, it’s just not the same thing.

Shannon’s husband and family come arrive, apparently straight from the equator, based on Daddy’s sunburn.  Wait, what are her daughters saying?

“WHORE!”

Jules’ friends show up and pretty much tell us they expect to see Jules come out with her “boobies hanging out”.  Wow.  Ladies, this is a high class operation here.  What in the world did you think you were in for???

Oh.  Never mind.

RP comes out to greet the crowd and introduce the professors, then judges.  The permanent judges are Lady Bunny.  Now, it’s literally a hundred degrees where I live outside today and I automatically don’t like Lady Bunny because looking at her makes my scalp sweat immediately.

Hot head

Frank Gatson Jr, dean of dance, is also a judge

Frank Gatson Sr. must be so proud

And last and certainly least, our guest judge is Kris Jenn

Worst drag queen ever

Mama-ho tells us her and her daughters practically dress in drag themselves with all the hair and make-up.  That’s supposed to be funny, but it’s really just sad.  I realize I don’t know anything about the world of drag, but I think I’ve pretty much figured out that drag queens aspire to be entertaining and over the top glamorous.  I know your daughters (well, not in the Biblical sense like most football teams), Ms Jenner, and they are no drag queens…

Shannon is out first as Kiki Kardashian

That tat screams femininity

Then here comes Jules as Kitty Kardashian…

Alice ate Wonderland

And lastly, Laura as Kornisha Kardashian and horror of horrors!  She almost fell with her hula hoop.

(Almost) Fail.  Bummer

All the girls come back out for their oral exam.  RP asks Kiki/whore/Shannon what she thinks the guys at the dock are going to say.  She says her husband will probably make her get a new job.

Dock cock block

RP asks Kitty (Jules) about her transformation.  She says something about now she’ll be walking the dogs.  I’m confused—doesn’t she own a doggy day care?  If she’s not walking the damned dogs, then that’s the worst day care ever.  RP moves on to Kornisha.  She says with this eye make-up, she can stare anyone down.

Hey, Joe Camel, back the eff off!

And the grades for drag transformation and attitude adjustment are as follows:  Kiki (Shannon) gets all A’s!  Mama-ho says Kitty (Jules) really showed her money maker and she gives her an “A”.  RP adds, “Just like a Kardashian”.  LOL…

But minus 150 pounds

Kornisha also gets straight A’s (well, an A- and an A+, to be a responsible capper, but it all adds up the same) and Mama Ho has to add that all she could think was how her daughter Kim would look in that outfit.  Really?  Hey, the world just called and said, “No, thank you”.

Is there a pole there I don’t see???

So, there is a 3 way tie.  All of the girls scored a 4.0 in the first two thirds of the competition.  Omg, omg, omg, omg…it’s sooooo

Tents

Time for the Performance!  The girls come out to sing that incredibly popular song from 19 years ago, “No One Else on Earth” by Winona Dudd.  RP says, “You can always use soap and water to wash away the dirt, but there ain’t nothing to wash away the sparkles.”  Or the vision of this:

Damn my eyes!

And they rocked it!  Here are the grades:  Kitty (too-fat-for-nudies):  b, b+ and b-.  Kiki/Shannon (everyone’s favorite WHORE):  b-, b+ and b-.  Apparently, she had a lack of focus.  She was probably just scanning the crowd to see which dudes she could score with.  And Kornisha/Laura:  B-, A, and A.

RP comes back out to give us the results, because apparently we’re too stupid to figure it out on our own.  Wait, what am I watching?  Okay, RP, what are the results?  Kornisha (Laura) wins!!  She can now give up that glamorous zoo career and focus on her hula hoop dancing!!!  Although Laura’s husband is happy, I think the other ladies are a little disappointed.  The skinny girl wins again…

“Skinny Bitch”

Everybody say Love!!!  And that’s all I’ve got…