Drag U: Dateless Divas!

Last time on Drag U, the theme was turning manly women into womanly women with help by men who dress like womenly women.  This week the theme is a little easier for me to get my chubby arms around:  “Dateless Divas”.  We met three [biological] women who needed to reach deep within their souls and make-up bags to basically clean themselves up enough to go out and get some.  Oh, I know it’s more than just spackling on some cosmetics and wearing outrageous outfits and wigs—it’s about self confidence.   So, it’s completely reasonable that these women, whose most recent erotic moment was probably putting a sweatshirt on backwards and having the tag accidentally brush across their nipples, would go on a show where not only does it feature men who would never, ever be interested in them, but who are also much prettier—well…in most cases.   Finding love or even how to love on TV always works out great.

Until you want to to cut the bitch.

The professors this time were Nina Flowers, whose accent was indistinguishable to me, as I was not a viewer of RuPaul’s Drag Race, where I learned she placed second.  I have since discovered she was born in Puerto Rico.  I’m all about the research because this is serious journalism.

I like to be in America!

The second professor was Morgan McMichaels, who was also in Drag Race and quite honestly, she kind of scares me.

Okay, for real:

Still kind of digging Janice…

The third professor was our good friend Raven, one of the professors from last week’s debut and queen of the quip.  As a person trying to master the  hiding of my generous muffin top, I’m not as impressed by her ability to hide/tuck her dirty bits as I am by where she might keep her Costco card.

A different kind of member discount

Our dragtestants start with Pegah, who is 28 years old and spends all of her time with her Mom.  She hasn’t had a date in 6 years.  And that particular date may be stacked nicely in Ziploc Freezer Bags, with the contents marked neatly on the label in her Mom’s freezer.  Pegah gives freaky a new name and on this show—that is saying a lot.

Mama didn’t like him much

Until we meet the next dateless lady and that is Lenae.  She 48 years old and hasn’t had a date in 21 years.  Hey, Lenae?  Your groove called and said, “Stay the hell away from me.”  This datelessness (new word—worth 8 points!) is partly due to raising her son solo but mainly because she sports a camel toe large enough to swallow a small city.

Anybody seen Carson City?

Lenae makes Pegah look normal and between the two of them, they make the Professors look like folks who would work in the cubicle adjacent to mine and eat lunch regularly at Applebee’s.

“Eating good in the neighborhood”

Yep, these contestants are out there.  The third woman is Debbie and she’s obsessed with her sister—meaning that she believes she was raised as the smart one and her sister was raised as the “pretty” one.  We see a picture of them together and her sister (never actually named on the show) and her live at the end and we viewers are confused for several reasons:  a) As Morgan McMichaels wisely points out—they look like twins and b) how smart is a person who goes on a reality show—any reality show??? And finally, c) why couldn’t she have just staged some childhood incident that resulted in her sister’s disfigurement?  Then she’d not only be smart; she’d be the one without the jacked up face.

Oh, did you find my skateboard?

And it’s on to the Drag Lab!  Where all the wigs and dresses and make-up and shoes and sparkly things and Drag U professors are kept when they’re not eating an Ultimate Trio.  The girls get matched with their professors and it goes as follows:

Student:  Pegah             Teacher:  Nina Flowers

Student:  Lenae             Teacher:  Raven

Student:  Debbie            Teacher:  Morgan McMichaels

The first examination means the professors will ask each student personal questions to try and help come up with their drag persona.  Or just embarrass the hell out of them, which is just fine by us.  Nina asks Pegah, “Who would you wanted to be stranded on an island with?”  Pegah’s answer, “My mother.”  Just.  Wow.

Um, seriously?

Raven talks to Lenae about her sex life and it turns out Lenae hasn’t had one in over twenty years.  And she tells Raven she has an imaginary friend named Sylvia.  Raven takes that completely in stride.

WTF?

Morgan attempts to elicit info out of Debbie, but Debbie holds tight and says, she doesn’t reveal those kind of intimate details.  Morgan quickly concludes that our girl Debbie is a virgin..

But she looks willing to try new things

Next they find out who their alter ego will be.  President of Drag U, RuPaul, plugs in the ladies’ info from the first examination and puts the magic machine to work!  The Dragulator turns Pegah into Electra 21, an S & M hottie.

Lenae into Honey Boom, a Monroe-esque figure:

Holy airbrush!

And Debbie into Moxy Mayhem, better described by Debbie as “Memoirs of a Geisha meets Marie Antoinette”:

Let them eat my sister’s cake

This particular episode has a new feature and that is Flirting 101—with a challenge attached.  The girls go on a fake “date” with some poor, hot, young guy RuPaul dragged off the street and between having the crap scared out of him by Lenae (Honey Boom) and almost having to give Debbie (Moxy Mayhem) the Heimlich maneuver as she tries to eat a strawberry in what turns out to be less 9 ½ Weeks and more Three Stooges.

Hot!

Poor Pegah doesn’t even talk to the guy because he looks nothing like her mother.

You aren’t mama!

Lenae (Honey Boom) wins the challenge as the best of the three and she wins valuable prizes!  The ”date”  escapes unharmed.

No man meat was harmed during the taping of this show

Since the girls will have to perform for draguation, the next logical (LOL—logical is such a great word when it comes to this show) step is Performance 101.  Frank Gatson Jr is back as the choreographer and the performance he is going to try and prepare the girls for is dancing and lip synching to “I’m Every Woman”.  And a quick shout out to Derek the commentator for pointing out how not-current these songs are.  I mean, why not just throw in the whole towel and teach them “Goin’ Courtin’” for goodness’ sakes.

Sucks Out Your Soul Train

Debbie/Moxy Mayhem immediately tells us she loves her some Shaka.  Frank tries to guide them through the steps and advise them to get into it by “touching themselves”.  Lenae/Honey Boom starts crying after about five minutes because her feet hurt from wearing heels.  Maybe she should have touched her feet.  Raven’s tells us, “If she gives up then I give up.”  Like all my math teachers.

That Bluzgirl bitch is just stupid

In the Drag Lab, it’s 24 hours before draguation and it’s time for the ladies to start putting together their drag looks.  Lenae/Honey Boom starts picking apart the look “assigned” to her and Raven tells her exasperatedly, “The Dragulator does not lie.”  If I had a dime for every time I’ve said that to my friends.

Raven decides to give L-Honey Boom a practice make-out session with a mannequin head.  Raven tells us that pent up frustrations can be quite scary as clearly evidenced by the sexual assault L-Honey Boom places on that mannequin.  Allegedly.  Sidenote:  If you are a mannequin head and have suffered sexual contact without giving consent, please contact MannequinHeadsHelp.org.

“Help!”

Morgan and Debbie get into cat fight when D-Moxy can’t figure out how to tease the wig (thatswhatshesaid) and she storms out.  The ladies settle down and have a heart to heart.  Morgan works with Debbie and tells her that drag is an illusion—no matter what hurts (feet, back, kidneys???), keep the illusion up.  Debbie/Moxy tells Morgan that she’s lived her whole life in her sister’s shadow.  Her sister is apparently the pretty one and she’s the brainy one.  She shows Morgan a picture of both of them and once again, I think “the pretty one” is kind of a stretch.

And what’s with the ambulance?  Another tragic cap tossing incident…

It’s like saying “That’s a really nice looking Nascar jacket”—it’s not necessarily true, but it depends on the other person is wearing.  Morgan tells Debbie/Moxy she needs to channel all that diva (read:  yelling and pouting about the wig) in the something else (read:  beat the crap out of your sister).  Morgan thinks the two sisters look like twins (nice stereotyping, btw…) and tells us that pretty is one thing, smart is another, but if you’re both it means money.  Which totally explains my empty checking account.  It’s a nice little conversation which ends with Debbie telling Morgan that from that angle, she can see her junk (lol) and telling us they’re best bitches now.

Best bitches + Junk = awww…

Meanwhile, Pegah is struggling with her S & M look as Electra 21.  Never one to doubt the wisdom of the Dragulator, but I’m not sure where the “21” came from in her name.  Chest size?  IQ?  Favorite casino game?  We know it’s not her age, which they told us in the beginning was 28, but she looks late 30’s.  I guess “Electra Late 30’s” just doesn’t have the same panache.  Pegah/Electra is having a hard time with it because she’s afraid it might be over the top with her Mom.  Sweet pea, you went on a Drag Queen make-over show, not the Clinique counter.  What did you expect?  Nina gives her the whole, “you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and with enough make-up and a good wig, you might look do-able” speech.  While the daily affirmation is taking place, they see that the material they’ve picked out is being used by Raven and Lenae and Pegah changes her mind about going S & M.

The women all take their turns with the esteemed President of Drag U (RuPaul himself) and he gives them each their little pep talk:

Debbie/Moxy:  “I’m in a box.”

RuPaul:  “Pull your character out of your box.”

US:  “Stop with the box!”

What’s in the box???

Next up:

RuPaul:  “Will Honey Boom let your son spread his wings and fly?”

Lenae/Honey Boom:  “Oh, yes, it is now about me.  He can fly, fly, fly…”

Us:  “Pack your bags, little man, you need to fly far, far away from this psycho.”

And then:

Pegah/Electra not-21:  “I like the whip.  This allows me to be someone else.”

RuPaul:  “What’s your mother going to think?”

Us:  “Who gives a rat’s ass what her mother’s going to think?”

They do a little role-playing back and forth, so she gets comfortable telling her Mom “It’s just a whip!”  Aw, I remember my first whip conversation with my Mom…

It’s draguation time!  They show people filing in and question:  apart from family and friends, who are these people?

Where are we?

Our judges tonight are the returning Lady Bunny and Frank Gatson Jr and our guest judge is Taylor Dayne!  True story:  I saw Taylor Dayne in concert with my sister at one of the local casinos and she was hilariously making fun of herself for playing to such a small audience in a Midwestern casino.  She was absolutely hysterical.  And boy, she can still wail.  Another true story:  There’s this guy who works in my building and every time he goes into the bathroom to go #2, he takes off all of his clothes and hangs them over the stall door.  How do I know?  I have a number of credible sources.  And yes, I said he went “#2”.  Because I am twelve.

Tell it to my heart agent, tell me I’m the only one…

Out first is Pegah as Electra 21 and dang, girl kind of dirties down nice!

Where’s your mama now???

Out next is Lenae/Honey Boom who looks like she not only channeled Marilyn—she ate her with a side of fries.  Her son looks kind of mortified, as if he wants to say, “Fantastic!  Now, I’m never going to get laid either!”

Marilyn Monroe’s tragic end–death by consumption

Last out is Debbie as Moxy Mayhem and she really looks like a clown.  How in the hell is this sexy?  She’s wearing tennis shoes and looks more like one of those little ballerinas trapped inside a jewelry box that creep me out with their little black eyes.

I’ve got your “Love Song” right here

After the initial presentations, Ru-man starts the Oral Examinations, which basically means he asks how they feel.  No one ever says completely ridiculous, which shocks me.  Electra 21 says she feels like a sexy diva and likes the whip the best.  Her Mom laughs and laughs and Grandma just looks confused.

When do they start the Bingo?

Honey Boom gets up there and says, “Hi, Mr. President” in a creepy, psychotic voice and all the drag queens watching can probably feel their tucks get deeper automatically.  (Yeah, I really have no idea how that whole “tuck” thing works…)  Honey Boom continues on with “I can be selfish now and I can party like a rock star.”  If said rock star parties for only 5 minutes in heels and then goes back to necking with a well, neck…Moxy Mayhem answers the “how do you feel” question with I can be the complete package.

And the scores:

Electra 21:        A, B+ and B+    3.55

Honey Boom:    B+, A-; and A    3.66

Moxy Mayhem: A-; A- and A+     3.88

Oh, it’s an acrylic nail biter.

The final dragxamination which is the performance of “I’m Every Woman”.  Lil’ ol Moxy goes a little crazy on us, dropping to her knees and trying to enhance her dating resume.

Desperate is the new black.

Electra 21 bumbles around just enough to have a wardrobe malfunction and tries to add to her dating resume.  But despite their efforts, it’s Honey Boom that really impresses the judges and I can totally see why:

“Hi, Mrs. Cleavage, can I see the Beaver?”

The official scores are (because I know you’re keeping track):

Electra 21:  C; B- and B

Moxy Mayhem:  B+, B+ and A-

Honey Boom:  A+; A; and A+ giving her the highest percentage of 3.93, so Honey Boom is the big winner of all the fabulous prizes and honor (?) of dragulating with honors.  Now, she and Sylvia can celebrate!

Everybody say love!  And that’s all I got…