This week on RuPaul’s “Drag U”, it’s all about Mama and her girls. Titled “Mother Versus Daughters”, it’s really more “Mother versus herself, one daughter who is just fine, even with her extraordinary hairline and the other a real basket case”, but that’s not nearly as catchy. The show starts as they all do, with RuPaul meeting with his Professors to explain who he needs for this week’s challenge and to introduce them (and us) to this week’s participants. First he selects Ongina:
Who just recently scalped Pinhead
And Morgan McMichaels
More hardware than aisle 7 at Home Depot
And last, a Drag Professor I’m not familiar with, but in a sense of responsibility, wiki’d my little heart out and found out that Tammie Brown was the 2nd one cut from RuPaul’s “Drag Race”.
How in the hell did she make it past round one?
Normally, I don’t criticize the looks of the Drag Professors, because of the amount of work they put in to look awesome and truthfully, most of them (okay, 99.9% of them) are a helluva lot prettier than me. But I would love to see Tammie without the bells and whistles and see if the make-up isn’t more of a hindrance. Seriously, I’m a minute and forty seconds in and I’m a little scared. And we haven’t even met the students. And…here we go. RP introduces us first to Tasha, who is 35. She tells us she had a rough childhood, being THE FAT KID. Wait–I grew up with a boatload of fat kids and we had a blast chomping down on Auntie Anne’s at the mall and comparing comb sizes.
“I was pretzel intolerant. Just miserable”
She goes on to say she didn’t even go to her prom and she needs to deal with her negative self-image (more on THAT later). She adds that always been jealous of her prettier sister and has grown up in her younger sister’s shadow. I’m thinking if you want to outperform your sister–you might try a chili cook-off because this has bad news written all over it. Lest I remind you, she is now 35. Damn, must have been a hell of a prom she missed.
And now we’re off to meet the heart-stoppingly, gorgeous sister who has squelched older sister’s dreams, hopes and corsages. This is Brandy:
“I would have slept with her prom date, if she had one”
Brandy is 33 and tells us she used to model and have this glamorous life. She was even part of a 3 piece band called “Stiletto”. Then she tells us she had children and those pesky gnats pushed her out of the spotlight, as children tend to crush dreams, hopes and aspirations. (Okay, I’m paraphrasing a bit now…)
Your dreams suck!
Brandy tells us she is here at Drag U because she lost a bet wants to be a Mama and a stage queen. C’mon, Brandy–be a stage mother–you can be a star on Toddlers and Tiaras–it’s what all the cool Moms are doing. And speaking of mothers, we meet Matriarch Connie.
Scared to death or constipation–you decide
Connie explains she used to be a wild child–a real biker girl, a party animal and a Mom. (see? She used to be fun before she squeezed them out). She says the change (not sure if she means the capital C “Change”) happened when she turned fifty. And now she has to wear glasses, she’s put on a bunch of weight and she even has to use a cane because of her arthritis. She’s here to bring some of that fun-loving, hotness back. But the crazy tags on her overnight bag make me think she thought her girls were taking her to Vegas, for some much needed nickel slots.
Where’s Tom Jones?
RuPaul comes out to greet the ladies and informs them that like real life (whose real life, he does not expound on), Drag U is also a competition. They will be graded on their DPA, which for all newbies is Drag Transformation, Performance and Attitude Adjustments. And with that, it’s off to the Drag Lab to hook them up with their mentors for the next 48 hours!
RP explains everything they need is in the Drag Lab (feathers, wigs, boas, shoes), but the most important thing is their own personal Drag professor. He doles out the assignments. Tasha gets Ongina, Brandy gets Tammie Brown and Connie gets Morgan McMichaels. Ongina tells us that one of Tasha’s best traits is her smile and that she thinks she is beautiful. Spoiler Alert, Ongina: Don’t get used to that smile. Tammie Brown is ecstatic to be with Brandy because Brandy looks a lot like Bette Davis. Connie is with Morgan McMichaels who hilariously tells us her first impression of Connie is that of the Egg Lady from the Jon Waters movie. Connie tells her she has her work cut out for her. HAHA. And with that, it’s off to the Entrance Exam.
The Entrance Exam is the one on one interaction between professor and participant, where the professor learns more about her charge. Ongina asks Tasha what her nickname was when she was a kid. Tasha responds, “Well, my sister used to call me Osh Kosh Big Tosh”. She goes on to say they put the “fun” in dysfunctional. Meanwhile, Tammie is asking Brandy what kind of first impression she usually leaves with people. Brandy responds, “You either love me or you hate me.” When Tammie probes for more info on that, she responds that she comes off as too confident. And apparantly, she also hands out some kick-ass original nicknames, too. Morgan is asking Connie if she could look like anyone, who would she look like. Her response? Pamela Anderson.
It’s a Dragulator, not a miracle worker. Anne Sullivan would be hella pissed.
Back with Ongina and Tasha, Tasha tells her she’s really negative and Ongina promises to turn that negativity around. Um, Ongina? She’s thirty-five and here for 48 hours. Ecstasy would be useless. Connie is telling Morgan the last time she felt pretty was when she was 50 and that it’s all been downhill since then. Morgan vows to bring that fierceness out. And with all that enlightenment, it’s off to the Dragulator!
Tasha is first up with the Dragulator and her new persona is Thunderella:
Another reason for her to see red
She throws in a “Thunder thighs” reference, but overall, loves the new look. Next up is Brandy and her new look is Jessasequa:
Where the unpopular Christmas ornaments go to die.
And last, but not least is Connie. Her new personal is Beverly Hills and she hates it. Can you blame her?
WTF? Like a low rent hooker.
Connie hates the whole thing: Hair, heels, dress, etc. Morgan tells us she’s going to have to kick Connie’s ass into gear. If I had to wear that crap on stage (and on TV), I’d be making mighty good use of that cane, Connie girl.
And we’re off to the competition. This week is Beat It 101. Thankfully, it’s not the same clip of Big Brother Lane beating it off in the shower. No! Much more entertaining. RP tells us that in the Drag world, applying make up is called “Beating Your Face”. Insert your own money shot joke here. The ladies are actually going to be beating out their aggressions on a large pinata. They are supposed to shout out things they are mad about while they’re going for the pinata prize of make-up and accessories. Connie tells us she already feels stupid, but she jumps right in. Let me pause here for a second in the action to tell you that pinata bashing can be a dangerous thing at a bachelorette party after 50 pounds of jello shots have been consumed. Shards of cardboard, plastic, confetti and adult toys exploded in the hotel room, nearly injuring three bridesmaids and sending the shrieking “suck me” t-shirt wearing bride scrambling for cover. Consider this my week’s PSA.
There ain’t always room for jello, pudding man.
Anyway, the ladies do a fabulous job, yelling out things like “I hate arthritis!” and “I hate my glasses” (Connie). Tasha: “I hate being the ugly sister” and “I hate my thighs!”. Ongina helpfully yells out “And butt”. LOL, Ongina. Brandy hates her big forehead and her baby weight. There has to be a way those hellyuns caused that big forehead, of this I am sure. Anyway, Tasha has the most not-so-pent up anger and beats the crap out of the pinata, winning the competition. Gee–I never would have guessed that. She wins not only make-up, but push up bras and push up panties. Yeah, Tasha! Wait…what? Padded panties? That would pretty much guarantee I wouldn’t have that embarrassing work stall, “Damn, my undies are backwards again.” Ongina is happy Tasha won and thinks she has a good chance of winning.
And now it’s time for Performance 101. This is when the ladies meet with Frank Gatson Jr to find out what they’ll be peforming (lip synching and dancing to) at Draguation. Morgan tells us that as a Drag Queen, you have to battle for attention when your on stage. If you’re not Kanye West, that is. RP tells the ladies they will be performing in front of a live (albeit heavily drugged) audience and that does not sit well with Connie.
Now is not the time for chipmunk impersonations
This week’s song is “I’m a Survivor” by Destiny’s Child. Brandy tells us she knows that song, but only the chorus and she’s “scared for them”, assuming she means her competition, not the original Destiny’s Child. Waiter, can I have the over-confident special with a side of steamed cocky? Tasha doesn’t even know what the song is. Can you say 1992 Prom theme? Haha–just kidding. RP reminds them they’ll be working as a group, but graded individually. RP tells Frank to let them have it. He’s all–Mama has a cane–I’m going to have to adapt to her. ADA Man of the Year: Frank Gatson Jr. So, Frank tells the professors, maybe they can give Connie a nice throne.
Now that’s just mean, Frank Gatson Jr. Constipation, remember?
Morgan is all worried about Connie because there is no way you can win chair dancing. WTF, Morgan? You’ve never been to $1.00 draft night at my karaoke bar. I rock the joint. My fat ass never leaves the seat and I sing all the wrong words, but it’ s hot. The rehearsal goes well and Brandy does really well–hello? She used to be in a band on onstage. Bitter Tasha tells us it will be tough as she is not coordinated. Ongina tells us after she saw Tasha’s two left feet, she wanted to scream at her (postively, natch). The queens take the stage to help out the girls. Connie’s all done with this saying, “I don’t remember the gestures.” It’s an air fist bump, Connie. You’re not a moron. Still pissed about Vegas, huh?
After the massive workout (not) with Frank, the ladies head back to the Drag Lab to work on their drag looks. It is immediate apparent to Ongina that Tasha’s worst attribute is her negative attitude. Hey! Welcome to the show, Ongina! I mean, Tasha has kind of a sick fascination with being jealous of her sister. And although Ongina calls her a Debbie Downer, Tasha is even worse. She’s kind of like a why-not-me-it’s-always-about her kind of person, which would really grate on a person’s nerves. After Tasha throws a fit about her wig not looking like the wig in her Dragulator photo (Photoshop, meet Tasha. Tasha, this is Photoshop), calling the wig mousy brown (hey, bitch—what’s wrong with hair gelled chunks of mousy brown, especially when it’s tastefully tucked behind cab door ears???), Ongina finally loses her shit and marches out of the room. RP must have given her a pep talk behind the scenes, reminding her there are no graduate courses offered at Drag U and after Draguation, she’ll never have to see Tasha again, Ongina goes back in to apologize. Wow, it takes a big man dressed like a little woman to do that. I’m impressed. Most people would beat the snot out of Tasha with the mousy wig and yank out her eyelashes at the same time. But even better? Ongina found a wig that more resembled the one in the doctored photo and Tasha is now happy again. Or as happy as she will allow herself to be. Ongina begs Tasha to trust her. At least for the next 4 hours and then Ongina will pass her on the street and not even raise her make-up clad eyelids to acknowledge her. And that is a fact.
And you are?
I know I sound like I’m totally hating on Tasha, but we all know people like her and it is exhausting just being around them. On to happier meadows, Brandy is hard at work with Tammie Brown, making orangutan faces in the mirror. Why, you ask?
Because nothing is sexier than this
Well, it turns out Brandy has been telling Tammie all about how she used to sing with a band called Stiletto and since she’s had kids, she hasn’t sang with them since. Yep, back to those little soul suckers. Brandy used to model (for real?) and have a glamorous life and she’d still like to get back to modeling. She acknowledges her extra large forehead and Tammie works with her in the mirror making crazy facial expressions to take away the attention from the hairline issue. Now, I’ve already said that Tammie is not the most attractive professor on this show, but this stuff was pretty horrifying. Why not just use bangs? A large hat? A hairline tattoo? There was this girl I used to work with who had a massive forehead along with thinning hair and she tried to cover it with 12″ bangs. Problem was, you could still see through that thin hair at the shiny field of skin underneath. I can’t remember her name–just the nicknames…So, come to think of it, Brandy–keep working on those facial expressions!
Mama Cane Connie is doing her best to piss off Morgan McMichaels and it’s working very well. Morgan is telling Connie she needs to win this for herself and not worry about her daughters. Then she springs it on her. She wants Connie to wear a body suit. Bwahahahaha. There are about two people in this world who look good in a body suit and sorry, Mama Cane Connie, you ain’t one of them. Connie agrees and absolutely puts her foot down and although Morgan is a little put off that her suggestion was so quickly rejected, she can’t help but admire Connie’s conviction against the whole body suit idea.
The Dragulator is good, but that still isn’t Mama Cane Connie
Each of the ladies spends a little time in RP’s office, getting the final pep talk before Draguation. RP asks Brandy where she gets her drive and Brandy responds she just wants to get back into the spotlight. And that is why Tasha is in trouble—in this competition and in life. Brandy worries about herself in the spotlight and Tasha worries about Brandy in the spotlight. Tasha, call me–I charge a twelve pack an hour for my therapy.
You are the torrential rain beneath my wings
Next up in RP’s office, he asks her what Thunderella means to her. She replies that it means POWER! Well, she actually said, it means power. She tells him she has learned that she needs to not worry about what other people think and worry about herself. Amen, sister! She goes on to say once she learns that, everything else is cake. “Fat free cake”, RP says…LOL…way to bring up a weight issue. And…wrap that scene.
Morgan McMichaels tells us that she was getting ready for Draguation when…drama! Connie has had a breakdown (no, not because she JUST realized she wasn’t in Vegas) and she will only talk to Morgan. Connie is upset and very nervous and definitely not an entertainer. Connie–that never stopped Pauly Shore. Morgan (interestingly between man and queen at this point and yep…deserves a pic):
I swear I just bought a smoothie from this person
Anyway–Morgan tells her as a mother, she was constantly entertaining her kids and she should not let her hip problems get in the way of being a diva. Connie feels good enough after this little chat and tells Morgan she loves her. Awwww….And now Connie is in RP’s office. RP is apparently aware of all the drama (coughmanufacturedcough) and he tells Connie he knows it’s been a tough school year for her. Traded in the Dragulator for a time machine? Awesome! RP tells her it sounds like she gives up a lot. Nice. What kind of crazy counselor is he? She tells him, “No, it’s been just recently.” She’s ready to do this. So…let’s do this! It’s time for Draguation.
RP comes out and introduces this week’s judges, which include mainstay Lady Bunny, Frank Gatson Jr and my favorite TV Mom, Elyse Keaton! I wanted her to be my mother-in-law when I was twelve.
Can I bang your hot Republican son?
And now for our students. First out is Brandy. Wait a minute…who is that in the crowd?
What’s the kid from Modern Family doing here?
And here comes Brandy:
Giving hairballs a whole new meaning.
As expected, Brandy does a kick ass job strutting around and showing attitude as Jennasequa. Next out is Tasha as Thunderella:
Little brown mice all sigh at the big beautiful red wig
And last, but certainly not least is Mama Cane Connie as Beverly Hills:
Mama Mia! Someone needs to be caned over this nonsense
All the ladies come back out for their Oral Examination, which is basically a question asked about their attitude adjustment. RP tells Mama to take her throne (sit the F down before that outfit scares even Lady Bunny). Thunderella (Tasha) gets the first question, which should have been “How has being a bitter bitch really helped you at all?”. But the actual question is about her transformation–was it immediate? She answers “Yes”, as if we all forgot how she bit Ongina’s head off. Thank goodness, Ongina wasn’t wearing her spiky skull cap at the time. Next question is to Jennasequa (Brandy): How does it feel to be in the spotlight again? She answers: “It’s been too long. If I could get a buyer on those soul suckers, it would have been a lot quicker, but even Craigslist has rules. Go figure!” Well–she does say it has been too long. Brandy also comments how beautiful her sister and her Mom look and thanks her Mom for doing this. Last question is to Mama (Beverly Hills): “How did it feel working the runway without your cane?” Okay–”working” is a little optimistic, RP, but we catch your drift. Her response? It felt pretty good, but she almost lost her shoe. That no one notices that should have a little weight with the judges, right?
Thunderella: B, B, and B+ with a total of 3.11. Jennasequa: B, A-, and B with a total of 3.22 (haha–younger sister kicked butt AGAIN). And now Beverly Hills: B+, B- and B- with a total of 2.88. Maybe she should have thrown the shoe ala Bush style. And it’s on to the performance.
And it goes about how we all thought it would. Brandy (Jennasequa) pretty much killed it. Thunderella (Tasha) did well and Mama Cane just kind of shuffled around.
Solid Mold Dancers
And on to the grading. Bevery Hills gets B, C+ and she gets an A from Meredith! All sympathy votes because she got out of her chair and where the hell were these judges when I was in college and actually had to get up to turn in my half answered pop quizzes?? Thunderella is the next to be graded. You could tell she didn’t know the words to the song and yes, she got tagged for that from the judges. Scores: B-, B and an A from Meredith! Man, that bitch is easy. She would have been an awesome mom-in-law. Alex, call me! Last up is Brandy (Jennasequa): A, A- and an A from Meredith (copy + paste). Winner is Jennasequa! See, Tasha–if you would have tried a little harder…but she takes it really well. She knew she looked good and I guess that’s all that matters. Mama was very proud of herself and her daughters. Brandy tells us she thinks everyone won. Well, almost everyone…
So, like, when does the real show start?
Next week is the last in this series so until then, Everybody Say Love!!! Thanks for reading…