Drag U–Plump and Circumstance

On this week’s episode of Drag U, it is “Plump and Circumstance”.  RuPaul gathers his staff (no, not that one) in the President’s office (and no, not that one…his) to explain the goal for this week’s show, I mean, school.  First he select’s this week’s professors and they are:  Pandora Boxx, Shannel and Jujubee.  And he explains these students have more bounce to the ounce.  It is big girl week.

First up is Christine, 51, a former roller derby queen.  She used to be thin-waisted, with big boobs and athletic.  An injury ended her career in the roller derby and she put on a bunch of weight.

Just guessing the injury was not from dropping an extra large bottle of hair conditioner

She already looks upset and here we go.  If they continue to bring women on this show who have deep-seated confidence issues, it is just going to suck all the fun juice out of watching this.  Is this show silly or serious?  It’s really a mishmash of both and I have to wonder why someone who really needs help ends up here.  I’ve researched the prizes and unless a person can truly laugh at the ridiculousness of  themselves, then what are they doing here??  Call Oprah, but do it soon.  Okay–enough of my nonsense.  Let’s get back to the REAL nonsense.

Next up is Antoinette and she is 35 years old.  She is married and is getting so embarrassed about her weight gain, she really doesn’t want to leave the house and it is affecting her relationships with her friends.

Shoulder pad delete=10lbs at least

Our last student is Minlee and she is a 38 year old opera diva.  She tells us she’s been plus-sized since she was ten years old.  She was okay with that living on the East Coast, but now that she’s moved to LA, she now believes she’s no longer beautiful because of how people are viewed differently on the West Coast.  Girl…move to the Midwest–you’ll be a goddess.  Of course, we don’t really have opera.  Unless the 50 millionth showing of “Cats” is up your, you know, alley…She also tells us her husband is really handsome and methinks she’s starting to feel a little of the ugly green monster.

Cali girls can suck it, just not his

And so it’s on to Orientation, where RP greets them and explains the rules.  Once again, here are our students.  Now, I’m sure they are dressed as poorly as possible to provide the starkest contrast between their “before” and “after” drag transformations, but do they really need to look like State Fair beer tent rejects?

When Miller Lite doesn’t want you, it’s time for a change

RP immediately tells them that Drag U is not a diet.  There is nothing that will happen here that will make them thin.  He goes on to say that this is a crash course in being fabulous.  Besides:

I ain’t Jillian and Bob’s too gay for this show.

Besides, we all know the easiest way to feel skinnier is to hang out with people who are fatter.  I spend hours at buffets, sashaying back and forth from trough to table.  I feel the room’s eyes on me, hear wives scolding their husbands and girlfriends promising BJ’s to no-longer-interested beaus.  And truthfully, I just love mashed potatoes…Anyhoo, RP explains that it’s all about the DPA, which is Drag Transformation, Performance and Attitude Adjustment.  A winner will be crowned at Draguation and the other two can go home wondering why they came and more importantly, wondering if the smell of the wigs was anything more than just desperation.  Or they just go home.  Hell, I don’t know.  And it’s on to the Drag Lab!

RP tells them this is where the magic happens and they have everything they need.  But the most important thing of all are their mentors.

Who seem totally okay with being called tools. Or do they???

Christine is teamed up with Shannel.  Shannel tells us she was really happy with Christine because she had nice full lips and a big ol’ ass.  If I had a nickel for every college prof who said that about me…Antoinette is with Jujubee.  Juju tells us that she can tell Antoinette has issues with her body, but she’s not fat–she’s a glamazon.  She just needs how to use it.  And Pandora Boxx will be with Minlee.  Pandora Boxx tells us she thinks Minlee has a sparkling personality (like she’s never heard THAT before) and she just wants to give her a big hug.  Wow, already the “can we just be friends?” move…tough.

Now that they’ve been paired up, it’s time for the Entrance Exam.  Maybe not the same kind of entrance these girls might just need, but useful all the same.

Wait–did my DVR flip to Big Brother??  Oh, no…Rachel’s gone…that’s right

During the Entrance Exam, the teachers ask the students personal questions to get to their potential dragdom.  Or, just to embarrass the holy hell out of them.  Jump ball.  Minlee tells Pandora Boxx she is an opera singer, but also does some jazz and R & B.  Pandora Boxx is confused on why she wouldn’t be a real diva and Minlee tells her that on the East Coast, it’s okay to have a pretty face and a large body, but on WC, it’s all about the body.  Pandora Boxx tells her that if you have a big booty, you just put glitter all over it.  Yay!!  Casual Friday–solved.

Antoinette tells Jujubee she dislikes the size of her thighs and she’s not happy with her weight.  Juju tells her she’s not that big.  And then tells us if a person tells themselves their fat and ugly, that’s how they will feel.  That is why I’m a billionaire supermodel who screens George Clooney’s phone calls.  He’s so needy.

Shannel asks Christine when was the last time she kissed a stranger.  Christine tells her she used to be a wild child and that she’s kind of toned down.  Shannel wants to know why she’s toned down.  Itchy pubes?  No, too easy.  She tells her that since she’s big, she feels invisible and then she starts freakin’ crying again.

C’mon–it ain’t fun unless I caused it.

Shannel tells us she knows where Christine is coming from as she used to be a size 18.  And her goal is to make Christine feel fabulous again.  And with that, it’s time for the Dragulator!!

Minlee is the first one up and through the magic of technology and the worst background electric keyboard music, becomes this:

Coco Versace, who is unexplicably caucasian

Next up is Antoinette and her drag persona is:

Terri Snatcher–with a serious cupcake headache

And now on to Christine.  Send the kids out of the room for this one.

Christina Rena–scariest f-ing clown evah!

The Dragulator needs a repair job, because how in the hell is the crier supposed to feel better about herself in this nonsense?  She is hesitant and they all agree maybe a little scaling back or even eyebrows from this galaxy, might be in order.  Shannel assures us she’ll get Christine on board because Drag is an exaggerated world.

Next up we have the challenge.  The challenge this week is to see who can tease a wig the highest.  RP explains that wigs can completely change your appearance.  For example, a long wig on a short woman will make her look shorter and a big woman needs a really big wig.

I know you want me.  Powder and all.

The challenge is to tease their wigs as high as they can go.  They all have the same tools and the professors are not allowed to touch the wigs or the hair teasing equipment, but they can help guide their girls.  Terri Snatcher (Antoinette) tells us she’s never teased her hair and that Christine will certainly win this because she’s from Jersey.  Wow, stereotypes!

Or totally true

And it’s on!  Juju tells Antoinette to really go at it like this bitch just stole her man.  Nice…now Antoinette is worried about that too.  She continues and tells her to pull it up and blow on the tip.  Hold and blow and then spray.   Oh, now I get the Jersey connection!

The road to fame can sometimes start from a hot Johnny on the Spot and the right lip gloss

When the challenge ends, RP goes in with a ruler and from the base up (is there any other way?), measures the tallest amount of wig hair to determine the winner.  And the winner, at 16 1/2 inches is Antoinette!!  You would think she’d get to keep that Aqua Net creation for her own, cough, pleasure, but no!  She wins the prize of some make-up and stuff.  Juju is so excited about Antoinette’s challenge win, she tells us that Antoinette will win the top honors at Draguation and if she doesn’t, people are going to lose their fingers.  LOL.

Next up is Drag Performance with Dean of Dance, Frank Gatson Jr.  This week the song is “Got To Be Real” by Cheryl Lynn.  Normally, I would criticize the song choice as not being modern, but it reminds me of one of my favorite SATC episodes, when Carrie wiped out on the runway.  (Yes, I’m one of those people).  Besides, what could make a girl feel more real than a fifty pound wig, clown make-up and a Halloween costume?  Frank’s job is to teach them a lip synch performance for the Draguation.  RP reminds them they will be performing as a group, but will be judged on individual performance.  Spoiler Alert–Individual performance is what at least one of our girls heard loud and clear…

Hint:  It’s the one who used Tide

Frank tells them the most important thing for a big girl is how she’s carries herself.  Answer:  Any way she wants to!  haha.  Seriously, he says a confident stance is the first step to hotness and he decides he’s going to show how to do that with fruit.  Degree-less “fruits”, that is.  He tells them to stick the oranges or lemons between their hoo-has and squeeze.  Christine tells us that Frank has her squeezing orange juice between her legs.  Scurvy of the jayjay is no laughing matter, so this is serious business.  Poor Christine is sweating profusely through the rehearsal and Shannel is worried about her girl, so she sacrifices a peacock as a show of her support.

Where’s your pride now mother f****r!

But Christine is not the only one struggling.  Antoinette looks stiff and Minlee, with all of that gorgeous height, tends to slouch.  OMG–will they get it right??  The professors join them on stage and tell us individually, each of these ladies have a hard time keeping their heads up.

And it’s back to the Drag Lab to create their looks.  Minlee and Pandora run to the red fabric.  Shockingly, Christine and Shannel also want the red fabric and it’s on like Tucky Dong.  (yep, just made that one up and less shockingly, you can use it).  Even though Christina Rena was wearing red in the Dragulator image, they are now faced with picking a different color.  Although Antoinette’s drag look came out in black, she and Juju decide on this lovely yellow, which Pandora tells us looks like Big Bird, but I don’t know.

OMG–this same material made my chubby bathroom floor look so much slimmer!

Meanwhile, Shannel is working with Christine on picking the right shoes and we find more out about her injury, which is permanent nerve damage to her legs.  She had to quit skating and gained a 150 pounds and then she starts crying again.  Shannel just tells her she’s there to make her look like a million bucks.  She’s not freakin’ Dr. Phil, you know!  Antoinette is complaining to Juju about her thighs and wants as little of her body to show as possible.  Minlee is telling Pandora Boxx how people are so rude and comment they can’t believe her husband is so hot.  I hear you, girlfriend.  My husband feels the same way.  Just kidding!!  I mean sure, I’m a total trophy wife, but it’s more of a bass fishing tournament trophy.  Pandora tells her she’s hanging around the wrong people–she needs to hang around drag queens.

RP comes in to check on the progress.  He goes to Christina first and she reiterates the parts of her body she wants to hide and he scolds her saying her big ass is a big asset.  He works with her on shaking that ass.

Glama Shots!

RP is concerned the wig Juju and Antoinette picked out is Donna Summers meets Carrot Top

I’ve got your GD last dance right here…

RP checks in with new BFFs Pandora and Minlee and asks how they are getting along.  P-Boxx tells RP that in order for Minlee to find her inner diva, she needs to hang out with gays more.  And just like that, they leave the girls to work on their own looks in preparation for the final draguation the next day.  Before you can say, “Where are the queens?”, here they come in all their masculine glory…

With a lot less Boxx…

So Pandora-man tells Minlee since she’s an opera diva, she should hit that runway and then belt out a note.  She tries it in the Drag Lab and scares the crap out of everyone.  Antoinette is telling Jujubee she hates her Big Bird (bathroom rug) dress.  Or should I say, she’s telling Jujuboy…

Juju sends Antoinette to RP’s office to help resolve the whole “I’m too tall and fat for big yellow dress” situation.  He reassures her she is on the small side of the general population (can I get a hell yeah on that one??) and tells her a true glamazon wouldn’t worry about her thighs.  His tells her that what other people think about her are none of her damn business.

And now we’re back with Shannel and Christine.  Christine is complaining about her wig and how it makes her look goth.  How very 80′s, my little meal-not-on-wheels!  Seriously, she thinks she looks ridiculous and Shannel (now more of a Shane-el), offers to loan her the wig he was going to wear today.  Crisis averted.  BTW–you have to see Shannel as a dude…totally cute…

Yeah, I’d do him, her, f**k I’m so confused…sob…Beer me!

It’s Minlee’s turn in RP’s office and she’s still bitching about the skinny people on the West Coast.  Doesn’t she know gazillions of people from Missouri, Kansas and Wisconsin visit the West Coast all the time?  She needs to hang around the tourist attractions and food malls.  That’s where we are.  RP asks if Coco  Versace would care if people thought she was fat.  And of course, she giggles and says no.  She’s magically cured of all self-doubt.

Antoinette is back with Juju and they are making a brand new dress.  New dress=not fluffy, not yellow.  Wise move, but not much time left to finish it.  Runway forewarning!!  And now it’s time for Christine in RP’s office.  RP shows Christine a picture of when she was younger and skinnier.  Apparently, Christine hasn’t cried much lately.  And there she goes…I love looking at old pictures of me, when I could see my shoes.  Of course, they were Holly Hobby sandals, but I could see them!

As everyone is finishing up, Shannel tries to convince Christine to wear skates on the stage.  Christine starts crying again because skates were so much a part of her life that she no longer has any more.  And now I’m pissed because there is not one g-damn country song about life without roller skates.  Keith Urban–put down that drink and get on it.  So, suspense starts building backstage on whether or not Christine will come out on skates.  The other students are worried that they have no tricks up their sleeves.  It’s so damned tense.  Okay, not really.  And now the crowd starts coming in…

Crowd murmur:  “I thought they were serving food…I’m going to lose my spot under the overpass…”

And we get to meet Minlee’s husband!

“Yo, man, you might want to get security in here.  The homeless are getting restless”

And we get to meet Antoinette’s hot piece of a man, who all the skinny bitches want

And he’s already picked up a random homeless ginger ho…

And it’s time to bring out our new drag girls!  But first, RP comes out to introduce Lady Bunny, Frank Gatson Jr and this week’s guest judge Jackee, of 80-90′s sitcom fame.  I guess Kramer was busy organizing lynchings.  Anyway–here they come…Out first is Christine as Christina Rena and our tense wait is over–she decided to go without the skates.  Shannel tells us she’s not disappointed in the lack of roller skates, because Christina Rena definitely brings the right attitude.  To prove it, Christina Rena shakes her double D’s at the crowd.

I never would have guessed she used to hang around roller skating rinks

The crowd goes wild (with hunger and a lack of work)!  Next out is Minlee as Coco Versace.  Her husband jumps up out of his seat with either excitement or a belated gum-on-seat reaction, but I’m voting for the former.

He’s so getting some tonight

And then she hit that high opera-like note and he realized that particular shriek is not part of any sort of “Yeah, yeah, right there, right there…”, but something totally different.  Awww…Hey, man, you done with that homeless ginger?

Last out is Antoinette as Terri Snatcher and dang, she looks more diva than the opera chick.

All my notes are real, fools.

She’s doing an awesome job, flaunting her stuff and then she decides to tease her husband, right in front of  us!

Could be yours

Really?? Cause I can ditch this bitch outside of McDonald’s

Actually, it was a wardrobe malfunction or she was using this as her protest against current big girl underwear.  It is a quiet and flabby war, but we are passionate.

Then it’s time for the Oral Examination.  RP asks how they are feeling.  Christine says she feels more like herself from the past.  He asks Minlee how it feels to be in full on drag.  She responds that before coming to Drag U, she had lost her inner diva.  But being around the queens has helped her find herself.  Antoinette answers RP’s question about how her alter ego will help her and she responds that she is just going to go for it and be herself.

And it’s time to be judged, because that is just what people with low self confidence need!  So for Drag transformation and Attitude adjustment, the grades are as follows:  (if you’re keeping score at home)

Christine (Christina Rena) gets a B-, B, and B+ for a score of 3.0.  Minlee (CocoVersace) gets B+, B+ and B+ with 3.3…oh you know what?  F-it.  How the hell do they judge this shit anyway?  It’s like they just left the set of Project Runway (worst judging season ever!).  Anyway, Terri Snatcher (Antoinette) gets the highest scores of A, A-, and A (3.88) (which Jackee had to scream–reminding me why I never watched “227″).  So public nudity pays.  Lesson learned.

And now it’s time for the Performance portion which counts for half of their score, so they need to bring it!  Or just try to get out of there with as much make-up, wigs and shoes hidden under their dresses to sell on the streets.

Peformance time.  And I believe it’s fair to say Christine found the roller derby girl buried deep inside.

I will cut a bitch for these prizes

Then she rips off her wig saying the song is “Got to be Real” so she was trying her best.  Um, this is a drag show, ‘kay?  Real is not welcome here.  Luckily a fight did not break out on stage (but that would have been AWESOME)  and the performance ended.  The judges didn’t care for the gimmick Christina used, so she got poor grades.  Christine–Taco Bell will not solve your problems.  But I will continue to test it.  Coco Versace does much better with the judges, getting 2 A’s and 1 B.  For Terri Snatcher (Antoinette), she got only average scores as she was so stiff on the stage and not into the song at all.  I think her jayjay was getting chilly, but was not asked…So, the winner this week (c’mon now, they’re ALL winners…) is…Minlee as Coco Versace!

Wait, where the hell am I?

Does anyone a) watch this show? b) understand the judges’ and c) believe the whole judging thing is really a confidence builder or just something to bring them back down.  Oh, and d) do you wish this show would go one way or the other (serious or silly???)  Or then there’s e) Do you think Bluzgirl needs not to worry and go back to her ice cream/beer dinner?  Hell, yes!

Thanks for reading!