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Oh, goody!!!! All the fun of playing dress up and none of the drama of real life problems, this week only on “Drag U”. The show starts as it always does, in RuPaul’s (RP) office with all the drag professors and as he’s telling them about who their newest students are, he stops, shocked. These aren’t students…these are his real life sisters! Everybody say one order of Happy Family on my TV right now! He chooses Shannel, Raven and Jujubee to be the professors and tells them to don’t phlunk it up, because this time, it’s personal.
Rozy is the first one in and at 48 years old, she is RP’s younger sister. She wants to glam it up.
I hear you girl, what we bitches do for our brothers…
Renetta, 56, is the next one in and she tells us that she is always the worry wart in the family and wants to give herself permission to be drop dead gorgeous, but as we know, once a worry wart, always a worry wart.
But here’s our real worry wart, looking to be gorgeous.
The last of the sisters is Renae, Renetta’s twin and she says she hasn’t felt pretty or beautiful in forever and Renetta has always been the glamorous one.
Renetta, Renetta, Renetta!!
Ohaky, for real, here is Renae.
And RP comes out for orientation. He explains the process they will go through and promises them if they do everything he asks, their feet will hurt, but one will draguate with top honors. It’s all about the highest DPA (Drag Transformation, Performance and Attitude Adjustment). And he adds that at the next family reunion there will be FOUR supermodels. Tsk…there’s at leat 8 of ‘em at my family reunions.
And it’s off to the Drag Lab! RP shows his sisters all the costumes, feather, make-up, wigs, shoes, dresses, eyelashes, nipple clamps, paper shredders and candlesticks at their disposal. Or, most of that. He tells them they have 48 hours until draguation and their most important tool is their drag professor. He assigns Rozy to Raven, proving to me anyway, the baby is always the favorite, because Raven is MY total favorite. Raven tells us she’s so excited to get Roxy because she looks so much like RuPaul that she is going to make her a mini-RuPaul.
LOL. Why I love Raven.
Renae is with Shannel and Shannel is all excited because Renae has such a big personality. Renetta is with Jujubee and Juju tells us that works out great for her because Renetta is the sweetest and most innocent of the sisters and the other two big personality sisters are with the two bitch professors. And with that positive affirmation, we are on to the Entrance Exams, which in Drag U speak means asking the contestants deeply personal questions in the hope of figuring out their drag persona or more importantly, entertaining the audience.
Case in point: Renae is with Shannel and the first thing she gets asked is where is the weirdest place she’s been naughty. She responds primly, “The pool.” Which is absolutely no surprise to us….why?? BECAUSE TMZ WAS THERE!
RENAE’S CHLORINE CLOITAL CRAZINESS CAUGHT ON CAMERA!
Meanwhile, Rozy is Raven and Raven asks her, “When the going gets tough, what do you do?” And instead of singing some horrible Billy Ocean song, she responds with “I face it straight up.” Raven concludes she has a lot of inner diva and she’s not going to take shit from anybody.
Renetta is with JuJubee and JuJu asks her, “Is there anything you won’t do?” Renetta responds that she won’t ho it up. JuJu agrees and indicates that serious Ho-in is more of Raven’s specialty, drawing a nasty look from across the room from Raven.
And now that we know everything, very little, damned near nothing about RP’s sisters, it’s off to the Dragulator!
They put Rozy’s information into the super high tech Dragulator out comes:
RP asks Rozy if she likes it and she remarks that in her new drag alter ego, she looks like him. He snorts and says, “Honey, you wish”. I can’t help but remember trying not to look like my brother and Mom always made sure I had pink on so people would know what my gender was. I can’t tell you how tough that is on a sixteen year old. RuPaul asks her if she likes it and she says she does, but it looks like a lot of work. General murmuring in the background from the people who know just how much freakin’ work it is!
Renae is up next and her drag persona is…
Renae tells us she really does like it but to achieve it, she’ll need duct tape, lashes and spackle. And that’s not a mistype–she said spackle not sparkle. LOL, Cupcake.
And last, but not least, is Renetta. The Dragulator givers the new identity of Starrbooty.
Renetta as Starrbooty
Now, Renetta tells us she wants Starrbooty to be classy and not look like a hooker. Renetta? What in the world would make you think “Starrbooty” wouldn’t be classy?? As my 5th grade teacher always told us, “It’s all about how you feel inside, not what people think of you from the outside.” Such wise words. I wonder whatever happened to Sister Yvonna Jackov. So, Renetta should have absolutely no problem projecting style and a quiet elegance as Starrbooty. And…that wins as the oddest statement ever typed on this keyboard.
Now, it’s time to meet with Frank Gatson Jr, the Dean of Dance. Usually, I give this show a world of grief over the outdated song choices chosen for the final Draguation. But this week, the choice was pretty obvious with “We Are Family”. RP instructs the ladies they will be performing this in front of all their family and friends and Rozy looks a little stunned by that. Maybe she glazed over RP’s description of his “little show” when he called in a drunken haze to ask her for a favor. As the professors look on, Frank walks them through the steps and we hear comments from the peaNUT gallery. JuJubee tells us that when Renetta is counting while dancing and that’s a huge no-no when it comes to be a queen. Which explains why the Rain Man never evolved to queen status. Hmph. JuJu has an excellent point–maybe she should be judging “So You Think You Can Dance” rather than Mia or Nigel (worst drag queens ever).
Raven believes Rozy has a good sense of rhythm and she picks it up quickly. Shannel, however, believes that Renae has two left feet. Renae tells us she’s a kindergarten teacher and she doesn’t dance for a living. That makes no sense. My kindy teacher, Father Dickie, danced with the boys in my class all the time. And that was completely normal. The girls had to leave the room, of course, but one time (sans pink), I got left in the room and saw some awesome dancing.
Sisters With(out) Voices
After the profs get on stage and help the ladies out, Frank tells us he feels confident they’ll get down and get it down because they are, after all, RP’s flesh and blood.
And it’s time to work on their drag outfits! They head to the Drag Lab and Raven tells us that Rozy is very conservative and she is not. Take a minute to pick yourself up off the floor at that huge revelation. We’ll wait. Okay–on to JuJubee and Renetta and Renetta is once again concerned about the low plunged dress. JuJu reassures us when she gets Starrbooty all put together, that ass is going to shake. Renae, as Cupcake, likes the length of the dress and tells us (and Shannel) that she doesn’t want to be over the top. LOL–what show did she think her brother was doing, “The Today Show”? Back to Renetta asking if her hair accessory suggestions are “too much”, JuJu reminds her: this is drag–there is no such thing. Amen, ladyboy sisterbrother, whatever…
And then there is more wig drama. Shannel goes to grab a blonde wig that JuJubee also wants. Now, I realize there is a bit of a recession going on, but where’s the budget for more blonde curly wigs? We know the show’s not blowing dough on the music royalties. Winner of this week’s wig battle: Shannel. But JuJu tells us it will take more than a wig to get Shannel’s student to win.
Rozy and Raven are giggling that with the non-stolen blonde wig and big ol’ flower on top of it, Renetta is looking like a witch. Renetta’s face tells it all:
Bitch, I am DONE being the parsley on the plate of fine food. Or something.
After watching all this, Renae tells us that Rozy is by far the most competitive of the group and the bossiest. So, she decides the best thing to do is try to win this thing and not let Rozy. History teaches us that families will always find a way to work it out to achieve a common goal.
The very foundation of family
As the professors attempt to build up each sister’s self confidence to beat each other in the competition, JuJubee realizes that Renetta is struggling the most with the big desire to win, so she pulls her aside for a little meditation. She asks her to visualize and imagine herself as the winner. She tells her to close her eyes and to see herself on a beautiful, peaceful beach. There are gorgeous tanned naked young men jogging in slow motion towards her. JuJu tells us this vision always cheers her up.
OMG, JuJu, I was totes thinking the same thing!
Meanwhile, Raven is talking to Rozy and Renae and asking about their childhood. She asks them what it was like when RP came out. Rozy tells her that the first time she remembered him truly being who he is now was a family reunion in 1992. Dang…The most exciting thing that ever happened at one of my family reunions was when Uncle Herb got drunk on malt liquor and with a drumstick covered with ketchup chased all of my little cousins through the park screaming, “You’re next, bitches!”. Rozy continues to tell Raven that everyone was shocked, but very supportive. Their Mom encouraged them all to follow all their dreams and to be who they want to be. Awwww…I love good Mommy stories.
You can be whoever I you want to be
Renetta tells us that after her meditation session, she now has the power of vision. She may or may not, buy the 10 DVD set of “JuJu’s naked tanned beach men” as a back up plan. The sisters all practice their walk. And as Shannel is about to give some advice, she is interrupted by Rozy, who believes she has it down. And since RP is paying for her make-up, Shannel sucks it up (nope) and tells us that Rozy really does have something there. Rozy even included a snap at the end which takes the Diva scale from 1 to 10 in a millisecond.
RP enters the Drag Lab to see how everyone is doing and Rozy explains her hesitation at the outfit and the make-up and all the time it takes to do it. But he shuts her down saying that doing drag is creating a fantasy and doing all the things you want to do with no repercussions. Unless, of course, you’re on FOX news and not Logo. He compares it to the morning after pill and Rozy says, “What do you know about the morning after pill??” He responds that he is high on them right now. Now, that’s just funny. Rozy goes on to tell him she’s not crazy about the dress and she wants something dark and slimming so he goes to the magic archives and finds her just what she’s looking for.
Renae also wants a dress out of the archives and she gets a beautiful gown. Renetta–same deal. Right now, the Dateless Divas are hellapissed. RP goes on to say when they were kids, Renetta puts some cookies in a bag and wrapped them in a blanket and that was their magic picnic. When I was younger, my brother gave me fifty bucks to swallow a condom and drive a van back from Mexico and call myself a “world traveler”. Same idea, different magic.
Before we know it, it’s draguation day and all of the last minute preparations are taking place. RP calls Rozy into his office. Rozy tells him she is ready to win it. He’s concerned that she is too conservative but does have the same fire inside their mother had and she could have burned a house down with her fire. She tells RP not to worry, being conservative does not mean not being sexy.
Although some would disagree
Back in the drag lab, Renae was napping. RP calls her in and asks her what is going to change after her experience. He reminds her that she used to be a sex kitten. She says she misses those days, when everything stayed in place. LOL. RP tells her she can use the superpower of Cupcake anywhere. She tells him she’ll make him proud on the runway when she wins. She tells us she loves the time she can have time with her brother and that the shine is now back on the flower. Trust me, it sounded way less creepy when she said it. When Renae gets back to the Drag Lab, Shannel corners her about knowing the words to the song and she teaches her to mouth “watermelon, bubblegum, vagina” if she forgets the words. If you try that in the produce section, you will get lots of attention. Trust me!
Meanwhile, JuJubee teaches Renetta how to move her hips and shows her how hula hooping will help. Again with the hula hoop? I know what I’m buying with my next paycheck. And it’s Renetta’s turn in RP’s office. RP tells her that he has always thought of her as his soul sister and she always bailed him out. Renetta tells RP she’s proud of him. He wants her to do something for herself and really glam it out. She says that Rozy is the one to beat and she may stick her foot out on the runway. Oh, please, oh please, oh please, oh please.
And it’s draguation time!!
Hey, check it out–It’s RuPaul! Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week….try the veal….
Okay, it’s time to meet the judges:
First up is Lady Bunny who always has her quip. This week, she wants to thank the California parole board for letting his sisters out to do the show. Wah-waaaah. Next is Frank Gaston, Jr. and our celebrity judge this week is Kelly Osbourne. You know, she may be a really nice person, but she always has this look on her face that looks like her maxi pad is on adhesive side up.
First out is Rozy as Bianca Dinkins:
She hits the stage and immediately recognizes family so she thinks she’s got it. Um…those nieces and nephews might have torn loyalties…just saying…
Out next is Renetta as Starrbooty
Dang, Tina Turner on Red Bull
And last, but certainly not least is Renae as Cupcake:
Hear that sound? It’s kindergartners being yanked from her classroom
So now it’s on to the attitude adjustment (oral examination from RuPaul). All girls agree it was great to go through this all with each other. Where’s the wig pulling??? Renetta said the hardest thing was convincing herself she was worth it., Or if RP’s annual birthday presents were worth it. Well, she didn’t exactly say that but…Cupcake has learned that in life, she can do better than going off to work in jeans and a ponytail. Girl, you don’t know what being lazy is. Lazy is taking a hand soap ho bath instead of a shower and going to work smelling like a Partylite with crunchy arm hair. What? My office building has kick ass hand soap.
First set of grades!
Anyhoo, the first round of grades go as follows:
Bianca (Rozy): B+, B, B+; Starrbooty (Renetta): B-, A-, A; Cupcake (Renae): A+, B, B+.
And it’s performance time.
Another normal Charles (littlebitof Dickens) Christmas
Time for the final judging.
Does anyone have any idea why my pubes feel weird?
Okay, so the final grading goes as follows:
Bianca (Rozy): C, B, C+; Starrbooty (Renetta): C-, B-, C and Cupcake (Renae): D, B-, and A.
So…with a final DPA…it’s Cupcake (Renae)! Yay! She gets no prizes because RP is saving up for music royalties. Boo!
So, good for all of them. Really nice sisters and I would love the be the glitter on the lash at one of their freakin’ family reunions…
Until next week…